Salutations, Heretics

Salutations, Heretics.

I am the Emperor of Man, and I despise every single one of you.
All of you are corpulent, imbecilic, no-lifes who spend every second of their day, gazing at worthless holopicts.
You are everything wrong with Terra, and everything wrong with this universe.
Be honest, have any of you ever known love? Forsooth, it is, perhaps, enjoyable making sport of people because of your own insecurities, but your behavior goes beyond the pale.
This is even worse than self-abusing yourself to widely available pictures in your libraries.

Please, make your cowardly selves known. I challenge you to strike the first blow. I AM THE EMPEROR OF MAN. With one hand, I sent armies of the best soldiers into battle, and rose from a mere sailor to command Terra's seas and skies. What "accomplishments" and "accolades" have you garnered in your make-believe "wargames", besides self-abuse to disgusting fantasy illustrations of xenos? I am the pinnacle of Humanity's knowledge, and I am tended to by brides and primarchs - one of whom richly disported with me. You are fops. Spare Terra the disgrace of you wasting the oxygen of humanity.

Pict related: it is me and a bride of the Emperor.

Normies get out REEEEEE

How does it feel to know that your precious humans are being consumed and defeated by wannabe pretend gods of chaos that aren't even creatures of chaos, much less threats to anything with the intellect of a small dog?

I wonder what would happen if your precious humans had to deal with a REAL god of chaos?

Yo, Big E, what's your opinion on Guilliman and his Eldar waifu?

Eldar posters, leave while I laugh at your own fallings to your own... 'Gods'.

I... what? WHY?

Well, apparently this Eldar chick was instrumental in reviving King Smurf, and the two of them seem to get along... very well...

>I... what? WHY?
Oh, I believe he's talking about THIS, your Imperial Failure. Tell me, how does it feel to know that in time both the human and Eldar races will BOTH be replaced by Eldar/Astartes hybrids ruled by God Emperor Guilliman, First of His Name, and Empress Yvraine? I give it 3, maybe four centuries before your rotting ass is just a historical footnote, i.e. "that guy who fucked up trying to do what Guilliman the Great managed to do."

Since you're here, can you give me some advice? Some Howling Banshee seems to have taken a liking to me, and I don't know what to do.

Your crusade is pointless and your power will not save you. This universe is doomed to sputter out and freeze over. Not even you can save it.

So why bother getting mad?

>I don't know what to do.
Oh I think it's obvious what you should do.

Wait is that actually canon? I thought that was just somebody's dumb joke

What do you mean?

SON DID YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY NEVER EXPLAIN TO YOU THE 01000010 01101001 01110010 01100100 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100101 01110011?

Why you betrayed me?

You are literally the worst god someone could worship, even the chaos gods help their followers more than you and they suck.

I’m so glad we went renegade

Sorry, I don't speak toaster, and no.

Because you need to ride the tiger.

>BLAM!
Nice try hellspawn, but our Gracious, Mighty Emperor would never forsake humanity! Men! Open fire! Shell this deciever's body into gelatin, just in case it wants to waggle out another ludicrous lie with its finger in Sign Language.

It is not canon, it is indeed just a dumb Veeky Forums joke because 40k is shifting (ironically) more towards WHFB in tone

>I don't speak toaster
>and no
It's OK to be a virgin, citizen. *Snicker.*

I never knew my parent, though... why you gotsta be mean?

SENPAI NOTICED US

>I despise every single one of you.
I despise you too.
>You are everything wrong with Terra, and everything wrong with this universe.
At least I have a job; you've been sitting in the same chair for the past 10,000 years.
>Blah blah blah, fight me faggot.
Whatever.

...

So you're admitting you were wrong?

This man, he is so large and golden. We must worship him!

it isn't wring if i had him pegged since day one

WOW. Is this pasta from the dark age of technology?

>be me, Admech
>be selected by magos to lead a team to investigate a possible discovery of an STC
>travel the vast terrors of the Warp, somehow arrive with only minimal rewiring necessary
>fight our way past cultists that have had thousands of years to dig themselves in
>finally breach the sanctum lootorium
>holy tractor seat, is that really an STC
>realize I'm in over my head
>backup arrives just in time
>they extract us to their waiting ship
>magos is with them
>PROMOTIONS ahead
>magos activates the STC
>it builds a cogitator
>so far so good
>magos tries to enter the Sequence of Startup
>STC makes a beeping noise
>characters begin to appear on the screen
>01010111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110100 01110100 01101100 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000
>magos blames me

Based Emperor Guilliman (PBUH) will unite Human and Eldar races into Humdar/Eldman masterrace and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

>Spare Terra the disgrace of you wasting the oxygen of humanity.
Don't worry, my empire ascended to fully synthetic bodies long ago.

Do you need one, too? I hear your original one fell down some stairs.

>Rewrites your entire character
>Chaos will inevitably win
>Muh Drachnyen

Pssst nothin personal, kid.

Does it count as sex if it's with an eldar? It's pretty much the same as jerking yourself off, since they're subhuman and almost literally worthless.