ITT: the worst things wizard can say

"The erogenous zones of a red dragon can extend up to six miles from their body."

"I'm out of mana"

“Don’t mind me, I’m just having withdrawals.”

"Hastur, Hastur, Has-"

"I specialized in evocation."

IT GOT LOOSE SOMEHOW!

>in a chat with a noble cause we need a favor
>we invited him over to our place
>in the middle of the chat the wizard bursts in through the door
>"NOBODY PANIC BUT I LOST ALL THE EXPERIMENTAL MICE"

"I am in your party."

That statement warrants a full who what when where why and how...

“I chose evocation as my specialty school.”

"We still own D&D and Magic."

>You guys can survive one fireball, right?

"... and we're introducing some new social justice-centric classes.)

"Alright, you guys may get mad at me, but hear me out first..."

“Specializing in biomancy simply to make superpowered Lolis is not a waste of magical power.”

"I cast fist"

"I've discovered a wonderful unexpected benefit to this procedure. Let me demonstrate."

Iunderstoodthatreference.jpg

"Fetch me my portable hole and a bag of holding."

>You know that summoning ritual you commissioned from me with the help of that friend of yours to summon that Demon Lord?
>Why didn't you inform me he was an alienist?

The absolute mad man.

"Hey guys do you like mushrooms!"

“They said I’ll never bring my waifu to life! I’ll show them, I’ll show them all!”

Goes double in mage the ascension

T‘is just a jest, brethren.

No, no. This siphoning mana from demons can‘t corrupt me...

"Oops."

It won’t

I don't get the joke. Why is evocation bad?

its raw damage and thus trash

...

It kinda did.

"I'm only a virgin because I want to be"

>not wanting a long-range high-damage character

Okaaay... I'm even more confused now than I was before.

As far as I remember doom guy still murders demons with the armor on.

>tips pointy hat

Because one school of thought says that wizards have the power to be far more versatile and effective than as a raw damage output, which any old fighter with some buffs and a magic sword can do.

HOWEVER, another school of thought claims that it's fucking hilarious that the skinny little guy in the dress does more damage than the rest of the party combined

"Ah fuck"

>"Now what were the words to finish this incantation properly? Ahh fuck it lets give this a shot."

"Uh oh..."

Less opportunity for interesting problem solving

"So this may be a bad time to bring this up, but I only call myself a wizard to impress bar wenches and I don't actually know the first thing about all this magic malarkey. See, the hat comes right off. So, uh... good luck with that hydra, but I'm going to bounce."

and I know what my next character is now. A bard who pretends to be a wizard for the chicks

?
Isn't that the reverse of what it would actually be? Shouldn't you be a wizard trying to pretend he's a bard to get the girls? After all, everyone knows that chicks dig musicians, even in a fantasy setting.

>Into a Sending Stone:

"What the hell do you mean, you can't find the pumps?!"

>In person

"Just remember not to ask any questions."

pic related

D&D 3.pf evocation is fairly lackluster compared to the other schools. This is partially because the other schools have effects to shortcut problems and enemies outright rather than chewing through their HP (flying out of their reach, instantly turning them to stone) and partially because some of the other schools can deal damage anyway (globs of acid, negative energy rays).

>bard's chick-magnet scheme making sense
Amateur.
>wizard's chick-magnet scheme involving currently living humanoid women of reasonable age and proximity
Never talk to me or my son ever again.

>My son

Oh, I think it's a little too late for "Michelle", my good man.

She sure knows how to work that leather mini-skirt, though, doesn't she?

You can be an illusionist and copy all that.

Darknes beyond the twilight
Crimson beyond blood that flows
Burried in the flow of time
In thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness.
All the fools who stand in our way shall be destroyed by the power you and I posess.
DRAGON SLAVE!

I want the insanity points

"This is going to work, just trust me."

"By the way, I'm casting Fireball."

"I raised my child well, didn't I?"

"I'm glad you changed your last name you son of a bitch."

"Oh, it'll be fine. Let's try it and see what happens."

>"Oh."

"i mean, why not dabble in necromancy just a bit? im a responsible person. what could possibly go wrong?"

lol u tk him 2 da bar|?

"How was I to know your child would be exploded by my experimental fireworks?"

You really are obsessed, aren't you?

"I cast Power Word: Slut."

Because by specializing in damage, you are not specializing in all of the broken shit that makes 3.5 dnd an unbalanced mess.

What would you rather do? Cast two 3rd level spells and a 5th level spell to kill a big monster over the course of three rounds? Or cast one 4th level spell and say "phantasmal pit is a 60 foot area, so I hit 9 of the bandits. All of them have to make a will save, and if they roll below a 24 they think they are falling forever and are not allowed to do anything but stand in place screaming. So not only can they not see us, hear us, or take any actions this fight but we have until the spell wears off in an hour to cut their throats with no risk to ourselves."

One spell and a failed save later and you make enemp HP essentially irrelevant.

"Trust me"

"That was not supposed to happen."

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Klaatu! Barada!

Uhhh...

*Cough*mhflkmpt*cough"

"GROGTOK AM KING OF FIRE!"

"I swore I left my shotgun here."

>tfw no wizard to give an enchanted shotty