Welcome to the Inquisition, Acolyte

Welcome to the Inquisition, Acolyte.
We've been experiencing bizarre warp phenomena recently, but the rift is stable and the Inquisitor assures me that the facility's safety is paramount.
If, however, you do find a seductive purple-skinned woman in your room, typical procedure is to [REDACTED].
You may have to do this several times in one week, don't worry, you get used to it.

I'm told the facility will also be expecting a visit from [Redacted] at some point in the next few days. [Redacted] being a very important official within the Inquisitor's sphere of influence, it is vital that if asked, you [Redacted] her when she asks for [Redacted]. She's been known to be awfully [Redacted] especially when [Redacted], all you have to do is [Redacted] [Redacted] miniature warp-drive.
Don't panic, you get used to it.

In the event of a complete null field shutdown, your best bet is probably to [Redacted] at the central cogitator station. In the very unlikely event that [Redacted#+==2QHEHASRISEN] gets loose, prostrate yourself before the Emperor and pray for your salvation, a priest should be on-hand with a bottle of holy water and some warm soup, though this isn't always so.
Don't fret, you get used to it.

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=e2DG-a0RvEY&app=desktop
twitter.com/AnonBabble

Hard to tell whether I should be substituting 'burning' or 'fucking' for the missing words.

Better do both just to be safe.

Uh... Not sure how I got here. I wuz told to report to Inquisitah [REDACTED] o' Ordo Xenos...

Also, 'ow big is da Emprah anywayz? Da priests back home dun tell us much specifiks...

Purple-skinned woman eh? What if it's a purple-skinned man? Typical procedure is [REDACTED] as well, correct Inquisitor?

... Is that an Ork?

Well, this can't be any worse than my last post. Shit went to hell real fast back there.

Why is that leather coat so shiny? Why isn't that eldar wearing anything under it? Why is there a swastika on the arm-band instead of the emblem for her Craftworld?

Obviously the filthy xenos is trying to disguise herself! Good work Acolyte!

QUICKLY! ARREST THE XENOS WITCH!

She must be... thoroughly interrogated.

youtube.com/watch?v=e2DG-a0RvEY&app=desktop

> Implying that there are non-nazi Elves
Unless they're Drow, that would just be a walking contradiction.

I'm not an Eldar, I'm an abhuman! Honest! Why aren't you Inquisitors focusing on the filthy greenskin standing right next to you?!

If you are an abhuman than you wouldn't mind a little gene test?

You first heretic. I'm not the one ignoring the damn Ork standing in the middle of the room!

>cheeks purple body paint to make sure its still there
Wot Ork? Iz a Deffwotch Spess Mahreen ya panzee git!!

Clearly he is of the Dark Angels chapter, the green shoulder iconography is unmistakable

Merciful Isha, help me restrain myself from strangling this Mon-keigh for his stupidity....

Pardon me Inquisitor, but would you care to explain what THIS was doing in your quarters?

GREETINGS POINTY EARED FLESH-BAG. I AM THIS FACILITIY’S RESIDENT TECH PRIEST. HOW MANY OF YOUR LIMBS WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO REPLACE WITH CYBERNETICS?

>Dark Angels
>implying they're not heretical as shit

>Worshiping the emperor.

>Even though he said not to

(dusty laughter)

...

>[Screams internally]

Relaying message from [PRIMARY OMNISSIANIC MAINTENANCE SHRINE]. Sender of message: [TECHNO-INVOKER D474-L3U5]
>+++STATEMENT: DISPENSE APOLOGY FOR [FAILURE TO COMPLETE DUTIES ON TIME]. I REQUIRE INPUT, STATION SUPERIOR.+++
>+++STATEMENT: WING 42-C IS SUFFERING A COGITATIOR ERROR. COGITATOR ONLY RESPONDS TO ALL RUNE-SEQUENCES WITH [I HUNGER FOR VIRGIN FLESH. I AM THE MINOTAUR] FOLLOWED BY FLUID LEAKAGE FROM BETWEEN RUNES. ATTEMPTS AT STANDARD TECHSORCISMS=FAILURE.+++
>+++QUERY: ADVISE NEXT COURSE OF ACTION.+++

I posted on quest once...

How'd it go?

i-it's not mine I w-w-as holding it for an acolyte...

THE PURPLE SKINNED WOMAN WILL BE RETURNED TO MY QUARTERS IMMEDIATELY
FOR FURTHER [REDACTED]

...

>bursts through the floor.
>[confused mechanical screaming]

I have an idea.. Nevermind.

in what order ?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THE DARK ANGELS CAN BE RANKED AS SOME OF THE MOST LOYAL SPACE MARINES, HAVING SERVED THE EMPEROR FOR OVER TEN THOUSAND YEARS BY FIGHTING TRAITORS THAT ARE TOTALLY UNRELATED TO THE SONS OF THE LION, NOW LET US GO INTO THAT DARK SOUND-PROOFED CORRIDOR O DISCUSS THE MATTER FURTHER.
OH YES, AND KNOCK IT OFF ABOUT BROTHER WAAAGHDAKKA, THE VERY IDEA THAT HE IS A ORK IS LAUGHABLE.

Are you stupid user? Fucking ash is pointless

Do you cosider Tuяn1t0FFand Tuяn1t0n ritual?

"Holding it for an acolyte?"
That's what they all say. You ! strange-looking Dark Angels Deathwatch member!
EXECUTE THIS HERETIC IMMEDIATELY!
AND BRING THAT SPECIMEN TO MY QUARTERS!

I REQUIRE IT FOR... FURTHER STUDY!!

Iz Bruva WAAAGHDAKKA boss, an can blamming the heretic wait until AFTER I kill dis fing good an' proppa?

Oh. Excellent point Brother Waaaghdakka. Carry on.

THE REST OF YOU HELP BROTHER WAAAGHDAKKA PURGE THE NECRON TAINT FROM THIS FACILITY!!

So much heresy in this facility.

So. much. heresy...

Don't worry everyone, the Sisters of Battle have arrived! Things are about to get a lot hotter around here In more ways than one!

Indeed, they have both set some heretics on fire and turned up the thermostat!

Can't believe i died for this shit

I am Inquisitor Sivana of The Ordo Chronos. And I am taking this facility over. Everyone will be mind-scanned for seditious thoughts.

>[Screams in Sign Language]

I am Inquisitor Sivana of The Ordo Chronos. And I am taking this facility over. Everyone will be mind-scanned for seditious thoughts.

Um, you are mindwiping everyone for not having updated calendars?

Ah, fuck. I am meeting my old past, again. So some advice for the future me: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! ... BLAM! GET THAT SON OF A GREAT UNCLEAN! Pet Eversor-Girl? Fetch!

Inquisitor, we've returned what's going on in this ba-, by the Emperor.

Greetings Battle Bruvas! Welcome back!
Pardon the chaos, itz a bit zoggin' hectic right now wid da girlies running all over the place setting gits on fire!

>Inquisitor's personal servoskull floats into facility main chamber

I HEARD FLAMES, SO I BROUGHT THE COCAINE!

She's the maid.

In the grimderpness of the 41st millennium...

>having genestealer maids
>Not using Sororitas instead
What is wrong with this facility?! IS THERE NO SENSE OF DECENCY HERE?!

Nigga, the Sisters are fucking slobs. You've never had to clean up after them.

YOU WANT TO RUN THAT ONE BY ME AGAIN ACOLYTE?

Oh, and you're going to prove him rite by making a mess of this and then leaving without cleaning up after yourself?

Brother, I require you to provide me with a copy of this poster you have, you know, to "honor" the sisters of battle

"Sister, I couldn't find the side mounted promethium canisiter - they laughed and said there was no such thi-
Why are you holding your power sword and reciting the Litanies, Sister? You're not thinking of.. this is an Inquistorial base!
I, ah, I think that promethium canister might be with your flamer, back in your room; I'll go fetch it, shall I?"

>playing ascension
>literally have to mind-control our palatine from killing innocent and making a bloody mess out of everything
Seriously if she wasn't a beast in combat, she'd be dead hundreds time over.
I feel like That Guy for doing this, but until she's ok with me doing it to her character I'll continue trying to salvage this shit.

DON'T KILL THE NAVIGATOR YOU TURDBRAIN WE NEED IT TO GET OUT OF HERE

Don't worry a replacment has come.

>Navigator
>Four Arms
GENESTEALER CULTIST!! PURGE IT WITH FIRE!!

>Breathes heavily in mask while staring at you.

>cleaning up
Why have the sisters clean up after themselves when he can have the walking vacuum cleaners-er, Mechanicus Adepts do it for us?

[++DANGER. GELLAR FIELDS FALLING. DANGER. GELLAR FIELDS FALLING. DANG-g-gEeEEeeeeeENOTHING HERE IS WRONG. H-HAVE A NICE DAYTIME++]

By the Omnimessiah, the facility's machine spirits are becoming possessed!

QUICKLY, WE MUST PROTECT THE TOASTERS!!

>+++REPLAY STATEMENT: STANDARD TECHSORCISMS=FAILURE.+++
>+++REPLAY QUERY: ADVISE NEXT COURSE OF ACTION.+++

You all had one job for the Omnissiah's sake!

Playing automated message [Play in case of Gellar disruption].
>+++STATEMENT: [COGITATOR ERROR] IN [WING 42-C] APPEARS TO HAVE ESCALATED.+++
>+++ALL [RANK=NON-COMBAT] STAFF IN WING 42-C ASSUME THE POSITION AND PRAY FOR THE OMNISSIAH'S BENEDICTION.+++
>+++ALL [RANK=COMBAT] STAFF PLEASE REPORT TO WING 42-C FOR TERMINATION OF EXPERIMENTAL SUBJECTS AND POSSIBLE HOSTS.+++
>+++STATEMENT: ALL [RANK=NON-COMBAT] STAFF IN ADJOINING WINGS RETREAT TO THE DESIGNATED NULL-SHELTERS.+++
>+++STATEMENT: MAY THE GOD-EMPEROR HAVE MERCY ON OUR SOULS.+++

>Finally encounter an eversor that doesn't enter a room by breaking through a wall
Meh, this Inquisition gig isn't so ba-
>Gellar field spontaneously fails
>Stuck in this facility with a bunch of pyromania sororitas, a toaster-obsessed techpriest, a genestealer maid, and a 'Deathwatch Dark Angel Marine" I'm getting the impression is actually an Ork that figured out how to disguise itself
>Oh, and Doomrider is apparently here too
>And now there may be a bunch of daemonhosts in the facility

>++++[DANGER. WARP FIRE IN WING 42-C. FIRETEAM HAD BEEN NOTOFIED. PLEASE STAY CALM AND [PRAY TO A CORPSE GOD]. HAVE A PLEASANT STAY IN A [REDACTED].]++++