Mage Guild

Hear ye, hear ye, I call to order another meeting of the Mage Guild. All wizards, sorcerers, warlocks, invokers, evokers, conjurers, necromancers, dread necromancers, enchanters, diviners, beguilers, warmages, wu jen, sha'ir, bards, and that weird cleric prestige class that lets you cast divine spells as arcane spells, assemble.

On the agenda for today: diversity. The Warrior Union is getting very good publicity because they have representatives of almost all races. Meanwhile, we're mainly a human, elf, and gnome club. I know we have three halflings and a dwarf, too, but apparently they still count as privileged. At the last Guild Head Meeting I tried to explain about intelligence and charisma penalties for orcs, but long story short, it looks like we're going to either have to have some affirmative action to let in some members of the monstrous races or by censured by the other guilds for racism.

I open the floor to suggestions.

I am a humble man of god and or gods, depending on the day of the week, who has made a livelihood by gaming reality in such a way that I can pull the divine power of my gods, unknowable both in nature and number, out of my arse the same way folk'll pull a rabbit out of a hat. That being said, I propose instead of trying to teach gnolls how to use a spell book, which would require they know how to read first, we create a way to cast magic completely independent of intellect or charisma, and that we do so stat.

ya see, here's the problem with mages, 'n' why you'll nevah get one ov uz to pick up ya books
ya don't ave any restraint, none of ya, nd sure. you'll see uz orcs screamin aroun smashin skulls nd gettin ourselvs killed too, but at least we haf a reason
ya ask ny mage why 'e does what 'e does nd 'e'll say "why not" every time I tellz ya
spend all ye time thinkin about the planes n shit but ye neva think about ye fellow man
dizgraceful

Don't fret, fellows, fret not at all. Even if orcs have a natural -2 on a standard scale, we simply need to comb for the orcs with intellect in the 14 to 16 range. Surely there are a fair few out there somewhere.

I have a cunning plan, m'lord. We shall bind numerous Succubi and Incubi, who by their innate shape changing abilities will impersonate individuals of many races, and will make use of their limited sorcerous powers to mimic the magical prowess of apprentices. We shall play this off as their being new apprentices in our diversity outreach program, and thus not yet sufficiently trained to take on greater responsibility. Given the great lengths of time required to educate the members of our esteemed classes, I have little doubt that this fad will have been forgotten long before our "apprentices" can be reasonably expected to have attained any rank of note.

Personally, I fail to see the problem. We can just create a couple dozen rings enchanted with Fox's Cunning and soon even the dumbest orc savage could be casting spells like the best. If money is an issue we can just have them pay it off as part of their membership fees.

How did this peasant get into our sacred meeting hall?
Begone you fool, this place is not for ones of your lowly standard!
Flee or regret opening your mouth for eternity!
On another note, i would like to bring the reforms to minimum wages to your attention. My fellow warlocks and me are apparently expected to pay our demons five copper coins a day, because apoarently enslaving creatures from hell is "amoral". I am even expected to pay my succubi!
I say we start a petition to abolish this new law, and if no one listens we might just have to summon a Dreadlord of the third ring in the king's chamber...

I second the proposal to reform the minimum wage laws on the presupposition that my esteemed colleague does not intend for the reform the cover only those Tan'narii and such like bound to this Prime Material by himself and those of his ultimately inferior class, but also to extend to my gasts and awakened undead!

I for one am against letting more of my brethren into this most hollow and esteemed of establishments by which i am of course referring to this here guild of Magi and other sorts of magical practitioners. doing so would undoubtedly lead to higher crime rates, a lower standard for all of our most impressionable apprentices, not to mention the fact that litterancy is almost unheard of among orcs.

Well-spoken brother. But why go so far? Surely we are well able to pass some of the less..adept members of this noble establishment off as said brutes? The spells required to do so are readily available, and how one is viewed is nine tenths of affirmative action. Have the poor sods draw lots and let them pay a small price for the status quo

While assuredly, any apprentice who might take offense to the proposed measure might be easily quelled with the application of a simple Geas or a lesser enchantment more specifically tailored to the issue, my concern is more for the likelihood that such a transformation would inevitably become public knowledge. These barbarous mundanes frequently accuse the Humans of having appropriated Dwarven culture through the integration of metallurgy and masonry into their societies, and might raise an unholy stink if it was brought to their attention that our students were becoming, permanently or otherwise, members of a protected race. I believe that a degree of deniability is implicit in my proposed strategy, as none may say that all of the succubi were summoned on our orders for this reason, and in any case, who would trust a fiend's intentions?

I have a plan that will reduce timewasting for the guild. We hire Orc mercenaries. What kind of mercenary would refuse magical training? It could make them better warriors, it could ease tensions with most of the guild, it could improve diplomacy without hiring translators, and it would satisfy the requirement for diversity.

Ultimately inferior?
Hold your tongue my friend, you are not more than a glorified gravedigger, while my arcane prowess allows me to transcend dimensions and enslave creatures that turn other mortals insane with their mere presence!

That's it! We allow orcs and other dim specimen into our ranks and teach them necromancy! Even they are sure to master it! That's our "diversity" problem solved.

Yes, because a horde of magically trained orcs will certainly never backfire in any way, shape, or form. And when they inevitably set out on conquest, who will be blamed for arming them with the mystic arts? Care to take a guess?

Glorified Gravedigger? My spells transcend the veil between life and death! I could slay nigh any creature you might call from the abyss with but a thought and a scattering of pearl dust upon the shaking ground! The power is mine to tear your very soul from its corporeal wrappings and bind it to a gem to facilitate my makings! And you, unworthy bearer of the name of Mage? Gained every measure of your power from another by selling your soul. What have you done by your own hand that was not the actions of another reaching through you! you dance on the strings of a creature that the likes of myself Call from the beyond, slay, and reanimate to bolster the ranks of our servants!

Well, you aren't the usual Archmage, but I suppose it doesn't matter either way. If you're looking for "diversity" I suppose it couldn't hurt to call up some entities from beyond the mortal spheres, no?

My Master The Greate Dreamer Mage of Urnosis stuck in astral somewhere. Again. So i am his representative and will be taking notes for him to read if he awakens.

I'm sorry, but I fail to see how that is a bad thing. This is exactly how it's supposed to be. Warrior is a plebeian class that every potato sack wearing villein can take up, while wizards are the elite. Elite can't be numerous, that would defeat its very purpose! Frankly, I'd go even further and boot out the gnomes. They are ugly.

A well-reasoned counter. Let us then strike a middle ground. We produce any number of witless savages and simply lay upon them the necessary enchantments to fool their kindred! To the uninitiated there is no difference between a first-years lights and smoke and the higher work of a journeyman wizard.

Store them in stasis or under the convenience of an altered form until the time comes to parade them. Bedeck them in wands of limited power and substantial..pzazz and entrust some of the second and third-year students with their behaviour. Modified by our own work of course

What if we trained only one mercenary then?

Excuse me, sir, but would you allow I, a mere Alchemist, to join your meeting?

This certainly seems to be the best of both worlds. With your agreement, I shall begin to hire adventurers to go out and collect suitable specimens from the more bestial races.

There's a union? We're union? Since when did we have a union?

Friendly warning from the Aen Mages Guild. We were specifically told by the mods to move to /qst/ in the Veeky Forums IRC. Our threads were also forcefully moved and occasionally deleted. Good luck guys!

Huzzah! let us start slowly for now. Try and avoid capturing any, ugh..trolls or the like, and no more then three goblins! All it takes is one to get out from under us and we'll have an infestation of the joyless little gremlins within the month

ban me bitch, i only visit half chan for the fast threads like this

'allo everyone, 'ow about some goblins yeah, eh, guv? them green ladies 'ave some knockers on them i can tell yer that. not that im complainin' but yer large folks a bit bent wiv yor dresses and demon bints wiv cocks, right? could be nice ter 'ave some girls 'round is all that im sayin'. green girls wiv large tits preferably init, yeah?

Goblins? Not sure if they'd be willing to work with a bunch of Mages (and assorted cosmic horrors), but it certainly wouldn't hurt to try.

arright! progress! Struth! we're on the bloody right side o' 'istory now fellas. and don't yer worry about it, right, even though goblins breed like sons o' bitches we can 'inder that eventuallity by only admittin' big titted goblin wenches. goblin and 'alflin' don't mix if yer know wot im sayin'.

It's not like we were turning down people of other races, they're just part of groups that statistically aren't interested In the magic arts. We could do more marketing towards those groups if you want, but affirmative action is just the soft bigotry of low expectations.

Who cares what those meatheads think? They have nothing to offer that a clever magic-user can't get himself. I'm of the opinion that we would all be better off without oafs sticking their noses where they don't belong, as they exist only muck up sensitive experiments.

I honestly can't think of a single time where I had a positive encounter with one of those layabouts who can't find a real job. This one time I'm in my lab, doing some mundane wizard stuff like conducting blood sacrifices (my test subjects are, by the way, willing and thrilled to be part of my research, of course, as per the Guild's policy), and some of these rowdies have the nerve to invite themselves into my tower! Well, now, I'm a reasonable man, so I politely inquire if the party had noticed the several signs I had erected along road, which stated I am indisposed to interruptions. But these louts aren't having it: They all start yelling things like "How could you do this?" or "You're a monster!" and so forth. A man certainly can't stand for such insults, and especially in his own home, no less! So I motioned to several of my bone titans to escort these troublemakers out the door. Now, these bone titans: things of beauty, each made from perhaps a couple dozen skeletons, which were all graciously donated to me. As I'm sure you all can guess, the sheer quantity of materials required to make these constructs is hard to come by. However, this did not seem to cross the minds of these brutes, as they started hacking away at my creations without taking a moment to consider how hard it was to put them together. I was very, very annoyed for the rest of the day.

In conclusion: I motion that the Guild saves itself the collective headache of cleaning up after these axe-dragging cretins and dealing with their asinine rules by limiting contact. I would, however, be in favor of opening a dialogue with the Warrior Union if they were willing to compensate mages for ruined experiments and hurt feelings.

I thought myself heartless I checked, it's still gone but this reminds me of the feelings of rage I knew in life. Something must be done about these intrusions. I motion that a consideration be brought to the floor regarding a grand system of mutual defense against these cretins.

Ahh, "Adventurers". Would-be "Heroes" of the Realms that are always sticking their noses where they, quite frankly, have no business snooping about in. I've had to make an example out of so many of them that I've almost lost count at some points.

Nevertheless, whenever they intrude into my beloved City, spouting about slaying all of the "monsters" that infest it, or even of harming our Great King, I always take the time to instruct them on the proper behavior one should be expected to have within our City. It truly makes me proud every time to see what model citizens they end up becoming when my lessons are finished! Perhaps I could teach you how to deal with your own troubles perhaps?

This is news to me. I always thought the Warrior Union would have lower diversity, since the martial arts favor specific body types, while the magical arts are open to all creatures capable of thought, even accounting for deficiencies in Intelligence and Charisma. Am I simply out of touch with the current generation of mages and warriors?

This is all well and good, but can you vouch for our mages' ability to reliably bind and control otherworldly creatures? I myself have no tearing open holes in the cosmos and plucking from whatever hellhole they spawn from, but keeping them under reigns is a whole other matter. Perhaps it is simply because conjuration is not my area of expertise, my talents lie elsewhere, which leads me to my proposal. Instead of hinging the welfare of our public image on fiends of all things, we craft whole new students from nothing at all. Take the genetic designs for any of the barely sentient races, then a bit of irresponsible meddling in the works of the nonhuman gods, then we have them manufactured at a nutrient pool by the dozens, the magical talent is just built right into their instincts. I swear the rates for my creations going rogue are statistically insignificant and within acceptable risk.

Calling and binding the simple denizens of other planes is a task with which any mage should be at least reasonably competent, no different than hurling for flames from ones fingertips or creating a grand illusion of a bridge where there is none. Certainly, there will be instances of demons run amok, but this is all part of the learning process for the aspiring conjurer. We must not worry overmuch about a few scuffed tiles, and I am certain that the demons, golems, and undead already bound to the defense of our assorted towers and meeting places will be more than enough to deal with a few succubi. Or perhaps it is that you worry that some of those among our orders who call themselves mages have not developed the necessary mental fortitude to resist a sudden advance from such a creature?

Oh dear, I've made a mistake. I had meant to say, "I myself have no trouble tearing open holes."