Shitty items thread!

Invisible ring
>it becomes invisible when someone wears it

Ring of arduous beauty
Beautiful jewelry sure to catch eyes, however, the ring is cursed. It has thorns that twist and dig into the wearers skin, causing strife and grief

Sword, Nine Lives Stealer -- Only useful vs. house cats.

Alternately: You keep finding a bunch of pic related in your knapsack every time you wear your sword to the grocery store.

Ring of Feather Fall -- Feathers constantly fall around you like rain while you wear it.

Alternately: The ring falls like a feather when you drop it.

Book of false bookkeeping, when placed within a business the book makes up records that seem appropriate, but are not actually accurate.

Coward’s Ring - An item from elvish mythology that has miraculously resurfaced, the Coward’s Ring was crafted by Anjoldr Bitter-Mind as punishment his friend's fear of death. When wearing the ring, a character that fails their third death saving throw is instantly restored to consciousness, aged well beyond the terminal lifespan of their species, and permanently capped at five hit points. The ring cannot be removed, and inflicts 1d4 of Psychic damage on the bearer every hour. If at any time the wearer fails their third death saving throw, the ring activates once more, restoring them to their full 5 HP.

oh god please no not this

Somewhat related, this is technically a monster, but fits this theme -

Scripteater - Scripteaters are a single sheet of paper, papyrus, or vellum that feeds off frustration and anger. Thought to be the warped mutation of a mimic, they are able to change the writing on their face once per day, and move themselves via limited telekinesis. Their very nature is dastardly - Scripteaters drive scholars, researchers, writers, scribes, record-keepers, and magicians to the brink of madness by consuming and digesting one or two pages of script, often a critically important or particularly inspired section of work. After weeks of fruitless searching for the missing page, the afflicted party’s fury and irritation will have sated the Scripteater, and which point it replicates itself a single time, and the process begins anew.

Just imagine a book fully made out of these fuckers.

>Shield of Ice
This shield is made from non-magical ice. Upon equipping it, you become slightly cold and wet. It provides little protection.
>Ring of Regeneration
The ring regenerates when it is damaged. Any part of the ring that is separated crumbles to dust as the new piece forms.
>Boots of Waterwalking
The boots are able to walk on water, however, they are unable to support the extra weight of someone wearing them, and thus sink.
>Coat of Arms
A coat made out of human arms. Very disgusting and smells terrible.
>Orb of Slope Detection
A spherical object that is able to detect if it is resting on a slope. You're pretty sure it's just a normal ball.
>Shattersledge
A large hammer that shatters mundane materials like wood and stone, given enough effort.
>Faerie's Trident
A Trident made out of fine material, however, it is too small to be used as anything more than a dinner fork.
>Discount Bag of Holding
A bag that is bigger on the outside than on the inside.

thats actually a dope idea. solid curse.

Once I was playing and the party had to face werewolves. No prob, we just had some silver swords made at the local blacksmith

>"Oh you wanted silver blades... "

The Dm made us pay for three silver booted longswords

Thanks! I have a few more, but the Coward's Ring is my favorite.

Gluttony’s Bane - A filigreed Horn of Holding that can contain an infinite amount of food and drink, but pollutes everything retrieved from within it with an awful, abominable taste. Any meal retrieved provides the same amount of nourishment, but requires a DC 15 Constitution save to consume.

a classic: gravity detection stone, moves in the direction of gravity's pull, the pull is stronger the higher the gravity.

>Dagger of Feline Finesse
A long curved dagger with a large sheath. Sometimes, when drawn, a small kitten comes with it.
>Cap of Intelligence
Corrects pre-defined grammatical errors that its speaker would otherwise make.
>Strongman's Scarf
When worn, the bearer receives remarkable muscular strength in their neck.
>Leprachaun Spectacles
Allows the colorblind to see in color
>Rations of the Unbreakable
It's a stale baguette
>Magic 8-Ball of Guidance
A tiny pixie resides within this ball, and can be communicated with through a clear screen. He's a good listener and a generally down-to-earth bro, happy to give his best advice and help you out when you're feeling down.
>Ring of Sleep
Stolen from KR. Can be used to cast Sleep. On the wearer.

Warm hat-hat that supposedly uses magic to warm your head

Indestructible Shield: When held, transfers all damage taken to the wielder so the shield itself remains unscratched.

>Magic 8-Ball of Guidance
i want one

Chubb's Infailable Skeleton Key.
Opens any locked door, but when opened the door reveals large numbers of low level undead(as well as who-/what- ever is meant to be there).

...

It's called Twilight, user.

Decanter of endless butter

But how do you remove it from your mother?

None of these is shitty.

Oooh, this could be used to some kind of advantage, depending on how it's used.

The lost key. Capable of opening any lock, the lost key will vanish whenever the user attempts to use it. The lost key will always be found somewhere either on the person of the owner or in the owner's vicinity, however, it will never be found in less time than it would take to open the door through some other method.

Holy shit. That's pretty mind-blowing. Even looking past its use in a game, it could be a good medium for philosophical discussion.

>GURPS
Mother FUCKER.

The enchanted bag
>has the capacity of those weird pockets on the front of some shirts

>orb of slope detection

>Trenchcoat of the Edgelord
One per turn, at will, the wearer may reach into a dimensional rift inside the jacket and pull out a sword (based on a D% roll compared to its respective table).
Low to somewhat above the middle range produces swords that downright suck; such as the 'disintegrating blade,' a harmless sword that turns into a fine dust upon contact with a target, or a 'folded katana' that unfolds into a useless, wide sheet of metal (akin to a giant spatula) mid-swing.
Higher range produces mundane-level swords that vanish either after a day has passed, or after leaving the jacket-bearer's grip.
Only the highest range will produce swords with decent stats and even enchantments, but will still have the same vanish conditions.
It is said the sister to this article of clothing, the Fedora of Serious Business, is able to not only mitigate drawing of the terrible swords, but also offer even better swords; however the whereabouts or legitimacy of its very existence is but the faintest whisper of a rumor of a myth.

a bed that screams when he lay on it

>Compass
"Now you can find treasure as long as that treasure is directly north."

>Magical Mirror Shield
"A shield of polished glass, looks ugly..and fragile... oh wait, that's just me"

>Skeleton Key
"But to which skeleton? WHO KNOWS!"


>Ten ton hammer
"now if only i could pick it up"

>unfillable bottle
"yep"

Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand...

Only good for one charge each.

You deserve a (you) for that.

>Mother FUCKER
Yes, and?

Sea water
>the more you drink it the more you dehydrate

>Sword, Nine Lives Stealer
>it kills the first 9 people who use it
>otherwise normal sword

Hey that's still infinite firewood.

What?

Get three more, weld them together and bam.
Invisible knuckle dusters.

i like this, because to break the cycle in 5e you'd have to manage to get overkill'd by your max HP. maybe you could jump off a cliff, or you could go full on gotrek and felix and look for something big to stomp on you

Buy lots of them, invisible maille

>Pack of Encumbrance
Anything you put inside feels twice as heavy.
>Boots of Gliding
Frictionless only when worn.
>Rod of Worm-Finding
Tie a fish to the end and dip it in some water and you'll always pull up a worm.

I think he means that hilt is caped in silver

I would genocide several continents for that ring

>Pack of Encumbrance
Use as coin purse to trick someone into thinking you gave them more money than they actually received

So you want to tell me, I can walk in to a bar or pub where there is no weapons allowed, have 4 of those on each of my hands, and walk around if I was the only one with metal knuckles on my hands? and if the rigges could be sharpened I could easily blind people with it. you call that shity? m8 I see you have never been in a bar fight or worked as a bouncer at a club or casino.

Or near infinite arrows or bolts depending on the size of the wands

So someone owns you money. you put 10 of those on his fingers, or if you are really nasty all 10 on his cock. perfect job for someone who gets back lended money. Can it also be invisible?
good for dumping it at someone elses buissness and calling in the tax police. last resort if you get caught yourself. in stead of giving your real books, you give the tax police this and see their scribes heads melt, as each hour the stats in the book change.

>Ring of Regeneration
I buy a thousand and make chainmail out of them.

Pretty sure you mean acceleration detecting stone, or does it violate relativity theory?

>Crown of heavy heart
>Weighs as much as the responsibilities/troubles of the person wearing it

Scroll of Raise Dead - Levitates one corpse, as Levitate

Captured a bunch of terrorists or somesuch, none will fess up who the leader is? Find the one with the most responsibilities with this thing and a scale.

>Manacles of Strength
Anyone wearing them will become strong enough to break open manacles. Ceases functioning if broken.
>Cloak of the Sworn Enemy
When worn, appears to display the emblem of the person or group the viewer hates the most.

>cloak
Literally made for assassinations/decoys/punishments

>if you are really nasty all 10 on his cock
Dudes gotta have the worlds smallest penis

Nobody doubted you have a penis that would require more than 10 my friend. Yet you felt the need to allege that to us indirectly. What's up mate? What is troubling you?

>person or group the viewer hates the most.
The viewer, not the wearer. Still good for taunting though.

It’s not about how many rings, it’s about their size
Also I’m getting major femdom vibes off you, are you going to step on me, spit in my mouth? force me to call you mommy?

>faintest whisper of a rumor of a myth.
Love your staying in character

Moron, this is obviously a question of width. Use your brain

>Amulet of Dark Vision
While wearing it, you can only see darkness

>Deck of Many Things
A bunch of cards with illustrations of mundane objects. Non-magical.

>Ring of Light
Produces illumination akin to a torch while the wearer is in a brightly lit environment.

>Boots of Teleportation
They never seem to be in the same place you left them after you take them off.

>Jumping Caltrops
These caltrops automatically jump out of the way to prevent anyone from stepping on them.

>Slippers of Spider Climbing
Those slippers are magically enhanced so that they can never hurt a spider. Also, the wearer will often find small spiders climbing on him.

>While wearing it, you can only see darkness
>let's try these nightmare vision googles

>>Wand of Pee
The target finds that he/she/it will need to pee, in a few hours.

>>Orb of Buzz
Holder is bothered by a faint buzzing, similar to that of an orbiting insect.

>>Staff of Mythic Support
The wielder can support themselves on the staff while standing upright next to it and maintaining their balance.

>>Keys of the Master Locksmith
Unlock all doors but all doors opened lead to the master locksmith's outhouse

>>Nail polish of invisibility
Coats anything with an invisible layer of wax

>>Basket of Laundry
Any clothes entered into the basket will be returned to your vicinity washed and folded.

I tried using such items, with descriptions taken from Veeky Forums, in my campaign. At first they work like a quick joke, but it wears thin extremely quickly and people just ignore them.

That's handy if the other alternative would be to break down the door.

It's magic, duh.

An old one

Ring of detect fire

Range: Touch

No? Gravitational pull is a force, force changes acceleration. You measure a force by measuring the acceleration of an object with known mass. Retard.

a smart DM would give these items actual purpose and find uses that aren't insanely obvious.

>Ring of Barter
Allows anyone to purchase the ring at an incredibly low price from its current owner.
>Ring of Remedial Learning
Grants a +2 to INT only if your base INT is 6 or below, does not stack with any other INT boosting effects.
>Scroll of Exotic Tongues
You learn a random language from a far-off land but forget one language you already know.
>Belt of the Coup de Grace
Behaves as a normal belt but painlessly euthanizes the wearer if they're brought to critically low health.

>The two star-crossed lovers wear one
>Nothing really happens, it's just a coping mechanism because they'll never be together

>a smart DM
What does GM have to do with it? It's up to the players how to use the tools they've been given. Not to mention the fact that a lion's share of these items are absolute trash with a funny description.

I actually think that for a short campaign, giving to your players only these seemingly useless items will force them to think outside the box, resulting in (hopefully) better future games.
That or they will murder you violently.

>literally doesn't understand general relativity
>doesn't even understand basic physics
>calling other people retards
No, gravity isn't a force, but okay, let's not get into this. Even in classical theory of gravity, where it's a force of nature, you can only measure the acceleration, and you can't know if it exists because of gravity or because of something else, for example, because you are accelerating. Knowing the mass won't help, because you still only measure the acceleration. If you know that a 1 kilogram ball is accelerating with 1 g, it can be because of gravity or because you are in a rotating space station, or because the ball is pulled by a magnet. If you exclude any other forces that could be affecting the ball you still won't know if the acceleration is due to gravity or because your frame of reference has acceleration.

My last 5e campaign we got items from some online 'weak magical item generator' for the first few levels. Crap like 'becomes a +1 weapon for an hour if you shave off two weeks' growth of hair' and that.

It's fun to work around limits, and none of these outright replaced regular magic items.

Holy fruit. You get a blessing from eating those, but since gods dint give you permission to do that he curses you. Curse cancell the blessing.

not even him but
r/iamverysmart

>gravity isn't a force
sure thing buckaroo
so what the fuck keeps niggas touching the ground

Celestials dont want niggas in heaven

>someone calls you a retard
>explain to them why they are wrong
>look at this guy showing off, must be a redditfag!!1

The curvature of space created by mass AKA energy.

Then how is the accelleration created? magic?
Witout a force there is no accelleration, and this is the 1° law of physics.
Gravity, whatever it is or might be, creates a field of forces, and those forces act on every object in their reach, thus creating an accelleration.
You can even measure the force, and it's calculated with mass(KG)*Gravity(m/s^2), the result is in N

How does the fruit taste?

The basket of laundry would be worth a fortune in shitty medieval times, especially if the party were on an extended adventure in the wilds

>prestidigitation the stuff as it comes out to change the flavor
>doesn't taste like shit anymore
>profit?

Butterfinger caltrops - inexpensive and highly durable caltrops that will spill out of if the user's control when they are handled or their container is handled while the handler is distracted or under stress.

Dentures of mystery
A set of false teeth that fit no one.

Nice curses.

yeah, but it is magic so it gets around all that nerd shit.

Wand of location: wand locates whatever it is pointed at.
Wand of disintegration: insert Looney tunes joke here

Anyone else imagining a merchant playing these things up? Maybe the Rag Merchant from Aladdin?

Cool, you die in a good as new chainmail.

yeah, it's the only I can imagine a DM getting away with such low detail item descriptions

>>Faerie's Trident
Sounds like a fun adventure: Find out why faeries are trying to invade some nobleman's house. Even better if the faeries don't speak common (or the equivalent language).

>Broodwich
>This mysterious object from hell cannot be deconstructed or taken apart except for when it can.
>It is the most delicious sandwich in the world except for that it lacks bacon and has sun-dried tomatoes. Which might be a bonus to some but others might think it's kind of annoying.
>Anyone who consumes the broodwich is instantly taken to an alternate dimension where Jerry shows up.
>Jerry is always about 10 levels higher than the PC who eats it and he has an axe.
>If the PC's merely taken a bite of the broodwich he's only teleported there long enough for Jerry to threaten him.
>If he eats all of it then he's teleported there permanently.
>If the PC deconstructs the broodwich a mysterious voice will force him to either marry a skeleton or have brain surgery where he (in his lobotomized form) will obey all of the voices commands which will mostly be to finish off the Broodwich so Jerry can kill him.
>The Session ends before Jerry can do it.

They're Faeries, probably just for shits n' giggles. Though because they were never invited in they've been sending their weapons in disguised as silverware, preparing to cause mayhem when some idiot servant lets them in by accident.

Very clever, Jery. We all amazed. *Clap* *clap* *clap*

Alternative. Fairies lost trident years ago to a goblin tribe. Pack of murderhobos purged the tribe and sell all loot to a local resseller. Then trident mistakenly identified as luxury fork appears in local jewelry shop where noble buys it. Due to a long illnes he dies and his relatives comes to his castle to share his riches. Houses of the local nobility are plagued by fairy invaders and they hire you to figure it out.

Cursed belt of giant strength

Upon wearing it the user cannot take it off deliberately. The user becomes a member of the opposite sex, and anyone in the vicinity who are attracted to that sex, will become horny and harrass the user.