Be me

>Be me
>Playing Sponges and Crabgons
>new guy wants to join in
>he wants to play as an underwater squirrel that knows karate
Should I let em join or would that mess up the whole theme? Also, post character builds.

Sounds like the kind of shitter who plays female characters exclusively but tries to get around it by playing her with an outlandish accent.

I dunno, I think the guys who play as a pair of criminally retarded manchildren are far more disruptive.

I got an idea for a bard, but I don't want it to be some run of the mill, suave, ladykillers. I'm thinking of doing a build with high intellect, no charisma, and no musical talent. I'm thinking of making them an Illithid to. They get a racial bonus to wood wind instruments turns out having a mouth full of limbs makes covering the holes easy but I want to be a little less predictable. Is mayonnaise an instrument?

>Is mayonnaise an instrument?

No user, mayonnaise is not an instrument

>inb4

Horseradish is not an instrument either

We've got this creepy chubby chaser in our group that wants to play an actual whale who's insecure about her weight. Normally I'd be all for a goofy character like that but he all but had his hand in his pants describing her. Can I shut him down?

At least those guys are playing to their character flaws.

>Sponges and Crabgons
real talk i'd play a game of Sponges and Crabgons

kek'd

>Strand my players in a kelp field so they can finally have some puzzles to solve for once.
>Write out a super complicated pathway they're going to really need to think through, and leave them a Conch of Magic to give them hints.
>Only I make it so the Conch is actually giving them bad advice, telling them to just stay where they are.
>Think this will inspire the players to start thinking outside the box and try to figure out what is going on.
>Two of the players are so dumb that they just listen to it.
>The other player is trying to leave but can't figure out anything on his own.
I don't want to TPK my players this early but I don't know what to do. I need to make it so the conch gives them what they need just so they don't die. If this keeps up I'm basically going to make something fall right out of the sky, what should I do?

I want to switch up the stereotypical "big, bad evil guy". Do you think little, weak petty person is too on the nose?

Better than obvious 60s Batman Parody villain.

Have you guys read the new crustacean expansion? Lobsters are broken as fuck, they stack with all existing rules. Extra strength for extra limbs, bonus armor, and they get TWO big meaty claws. Fucking that guy larry is rolling a lobster as we speak, 24 strength BEFORE LEVEL BONUSES!

>Other player keeps hiding a box from me.
>I get more and more intrigued by what might be inside.
>Spend the entire session trying to find out what's inside the box.
>Finally manage to get it.
>It's just a piece of string.
>Other player yells out that it's a "secret string"
>I wasted hours on a box with a string in it.
Everyone else at the table thought it was real funny except for me. I am glad it wasn't something bad, though.

user do you have a thing for Pearl?

Guys, I need help.
I created a pair of curmudgeonly old NPCs that were supposed to pop up in the campaign infrequently. They're retired veterans of the setting's fighters guild, one is a bit senile and has a tendency to exclaim "IMMORALLLLL!" randomly, while the other is grumpy and cynical.

The problem is that these characters were meant to appear a bit pathetic, but my players have taken to hero worship and won't leave them alone.

What do I do?

Kolton! It's about SpongeBob Kolton!

Even if you have everything fall outta the sky, your 2 moron players are gonna still count on the Conch for everything.

Introduce a villain that the players have to defeat without the help of the hero NPCS to get them back on track. As a twist, have the villain be locked away and see if your players are curious enough to poke around and accidentally free em.

No. It's a parody of the HNNNNGH THICCER meme.

user, it clearly states "BIG! MEATY! CLAWS!" in the expansion pack. Also, has your PM ever pulled some crazy left field bullshit.
>Bought a bag from a sponge which had chocolate in it
>Two minutes go by before he goes "you hear something in the distance"
>"what is it?"
>"CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>Roll for initiative

Plot Twist: the aggressive looking crazy one shouting CHOCOLAAAAAATE is actually Chaotic Good.