Absolute Madmans

>Party is caught up defending a small town from upstart orc army
>Me human Paladin of Pelor, a half orc barbarian, a half orc fighter, an elven ranger, & a human cleric of Pelor, a few others maybe, I can't remember.
>Get tasked to sneak into an old ruined keep, & take out the guys in charge of the army & recover a powerful artifact stolen from the hamlet
>Up through a secret underground river/tunnel & up an old well
>Fight the orc warchief in the courtyard. The half orcs land back to back crits & bring him down in one go
>Enter keep itself, fight some dudes inside, while mopping up the last few, a figure in head to toe black plate, with spikes, a great helm & morning star. Imposing as fuck. Paralyses the barbarian, & fighter with magic. Others are wounded, not looking to jumping into a boss fight without a moment to recover. The evil cleric tells us to Join or Die!

>Barbarian is wanting to join but is paralysed & can't talk, fighter is literally begging the DM to let him squeak out somekind of response in the affirmative.
>I stand straight, & give a rousing speech about how we won't give in
>Elven ranger aims & me & starts shooting
>What the fuck you lega-lame-ass.wtf
>I'm out numbered so I go to retreat to a doorway & into cover from the ranger.
>Cleric grabs me
>Cleric of Pelor
>Cleric who is of my own faith, brothers of the cloth
>He has sided with evil, the sun has set within his heart & now I am literally the only friendly in the room
>Break free & dash through the door to the courtyard
>DM ends session
>Bite nails for an entire week
>Next session a bunch of new people have joined our group
>All these new people are introduced as my Paladin runs into the courtyard pursued by enemies
>They are all arrayed beside the same well we came up, & a powerful patron has intervened, bringing reinforcements & even using magic to rescue & restore the fighter & barbarian
>I have allies now
>Thank the Golden Dawn!
>Turn right back around & charge

>party is fighting an aboleth
>Bard Faerie Fires it, Cleric Blesses several members of the party, Sorcerer and Warlock weave their spells, Rogue starts peppering it with arrows
>Fighter's turn comes up and he swaggers up to the monster
>everything's lined up perfectly
>shouts "WITNESS ME!" and goes for the all out attack
>two Great Weapon Master attacks, one crits because of Faerie Fire, and both had superiority dice on them
>takes a bonus action attack because of the crit
>Action Surges
>swings twice more, another crit and two more superiority dice
>all told, the aboleth took over 150 damage and was taunted by the Fighter
>the aboleth's turn is next, it grapples the Fighter with one of its few remaining tentacles, casts Darkness on the middle of the battlefield to block vision, and retreats to the water
>tells the Fighter that he will learn the meaning of fear
>Fighter retorts that it's only fair since he's already taught the aboleth as much
>at the exact same time, the Warlock Hail Marys a fireball through the Darkness without any idea of where the Fighter and aboleth are, hits the aboleth for near-maximum damage, and completely misses the Fighter
>I can't believe the aboleth is fucking dead.jpg

Fucker died on the very start of the second round. A similar thing happened several months later where the party just rinsed a bugbear warlord within a turn, before he even got to attack or flee. Single enemies don't do too well in 5e.

>During the ensuing fight the ranger takes the barbarians axe to the gut & goes down
>I fight my way to his body
>He is bleeding out but alive
>Spend all my layonhands to bring him back up
>Ask "You have one more chance. Are you with us?"
>He nods
>He gets back up & we wreck house
>this is how you Paladin

Later we chased the evil cleric up to the attic where they summoned a bone devil
We were about to win when the cleric went down, but the demon just grabbed the cleric, the artifact, & a party member who had tried to sneak around & steal it from the cleric, & jumped out the top window & started flying away. My Paladin ran full tilt out the same window & tried to lasso it with a grappling hook but was 5ft short. I fell all the way down & almost died but my party saved my bacon. It is still one of my favorite moments in gaming.

Most of Veeky Forums doesn't actually play traditional games.

>playing the groups bruiser and tank
>we are huntind down a demon who is kidnapping children
>he pops up
>fears everyone including me
>everyones roll is either frozen in place or running away
>except me
>it triggers my fight response giving me a bonus to my next attack roll
>attack
>explode my dice
>explode my damage dice
>play my story card
>double damage
>my character punches a literal fucking hole in Kcrampus blowing it off a roof in one hit
>boss fight ruined
>he comes back later
>looks at party
>see's me
>flys into a rage ignoring everyone but me
>i wrestle the big fucker while our rogue stabs it in the neck
i can now proudly say my character has ruined Christmas twice, but this was more fun than lynching Santa

>Party facing two liches at final sessions
>We all agree to focus one then hit the other
>Except the Cleric
>He spends two turns conjuring water on top of the lich
>We do significant damage to other one but our cleric almost gets insta-gibbed by the wet one
>"Bruh, just help us with this lich and we'll get the other one in a second."
>"No, I have a plan."
>His turn rolls around
>"I channel all the power that my god can give me and I raise my middle finger up high as I scream, 'Fuck Yoooou!' And then I Bless the water!"
>Table's face

>sparing traitors
the only one you should have spared was the cleric
he should have been stripped, dragged through the street to the church for his hanging

>party signs up for a teambased arena match
>guy asks for our team name, party starts thinking about it really hard, arguing
>playing a human fighter with levels in barbarian, wisdom 5
>shout out ‘Axel & Friends’ before anyone gets the opportunity to stop me
>instead of bickering amongst themselves or berating my fighter, party fucking loses their shit
>everyone in shambles, DM included
>guy writes us down as ‘Axel & Friends’

same game, later on in the arena

>party fighting against a manticore, basilisk and a hydra
>we get our shit shoved in throughout most of the fight, end up facing the hydra last
>nigger is circling around us, shitting on the party, looks like Axel & Friends might lose early
>the gloves are off
>my turn comes up, fighter fucking charges off the plaform, leaping through the air at the hydra
>DM asks if I’m gonna try and power attack it
>party calls me a fucking idiot, saying I’ll fall down and go outta the fight
>I reply to DM that I roll to grapple, revealing my myriad of grapple feats
>pin
>roll 18, that hydra’s pinned as fuck
>fighter fucking rides the thing into the ground at top speed after pinning its wings
>hydra slams to the ground like the fist of god
>out cold immediately, fighter survives due to bonus hp from rage
>party wins the arena match, everyone absolutely loses it

...did it work?

this is one of those stories I want to believe is real, thanks user.

Since it was our last session the GM ruled in favor of the player. The lich disintegrated while we struck down the other one. It was a pretty good way to end.

I am GMing a custom astral spelljammer campaign setting combined with skull and shackles elements.
>On board a newly captured ship as slave crew
>Gunslinger player leads the mutiny against the new captain.
>Approaches the captains quarters where Captain Plugg and first mate Scourge are eating dinner.
>The captain hears them coming and stands up from the meal with a crossbow.
>Gunslinger kicks down the door and the captain fires his bolt.
>successful dodge
>critical success headshot
>The first mate falls to his knees and begs mercy but has a knife he’s reaching for.
>critical success headshot.
Heil the new captain.

Cleric ran, never to be seen again.
& I wasn't playing a crusader type Paladin smashing evil. Pelor is about the sun & lighting the way, he is about community & the bonds of fellowship. I was the light in the darkness. I was the Sword of the Dawn & the Restful Sunset Every day is rebirth, the sun shines anew, for each day is a new sun & each day is a chance to be a new man. To reforge a broken sword is better than to cast it aside. I bring the burning radiance of Pelor to the darkness in the world if it walk the earth or hide in the hearts of men. To redeem the ranger was to bring the light into the darkness of his soul, as the sun never fails to rise, I will never fail my brothers, even through Hell itself.

im gonna need you to turn in your sword and badge

Technically speaking, even in a normal, serious campaign, a fighter with 20 strength is as strong as a hill giant, in terms of modifiers.

we fuckin get it, Steve. Stop sucking up to Pelor.

Take it from me you false faith faggot

>lynching Santa

I demand another story good sir

This was a while back, but remains to this day my favorite campaign
>Be me
>Be in a Napoleonic setting with very limited amount of magic in terms of strength, but could use it for little things
>Get sent down to Egypt with squadron, conquering this shit for big N
>Call ourselves the midgetmen, never tell our Battalion Commander cos he'd execute us on the spot
>End up in a huge firefight with the locals, end up using an old cannon for four days
>The cannon gets the dice of shame, explodes, kills some NPCs, almost brains me
>gotaluckydexcheck.png
>But now we have no cannon, BC is screaming at us in unintelligible French
>Remember we're in Egypt
>The Nile separates the two sides
>I remember an old country song I loved to death
>I take my platoon down with some cover to the fucking Nile River
>"Alright men, we're gonna find the biggest fucking crocodile here."
>DM is aghast
>"what the fuck are you gonna do with a crocodile during a firefight?"
>I should mention this was in Alabama
>anyways, told him he'd see
>"alright, roll a perception check"
>roll a 13
>"You see a large set of nostrils poking out of the shallow end of the Nile River on your side"
>"COME ON MEN, SECURE THAT CROCODILE"
>one of my men got bludgeoned by the tail, but not severe
>Buddy secures him with some spare rope and our coats, blindfolded and completely secured
>We go back to the rest of the Battalion, BC is coming our way
>Ohshit.jpg
>grab a 2 pound cannonball and a charge, cast some airtight charms on it and some sealing things to make sure it would be secure
>shove it down that fucker's throat
>roll a 14 dex check, lose the ends of my fingers
>doesn't matter, we got that shit
>Croc is freaking out, tail snaps a rope and hits the same poor fuck again
>resecure it
>By the time the BC is about 50 meters from us, we have the Croc lined up at the apparent leader of the natives
>"I cast Ignite"
>My buddies are fucking wheezing, they know exactly what's going down
>cont.

>"user what the fuck man"
>DM is laughing, my other guys are in tears
>"FUCK YOU MAN, WE WILL BLOW THESE LITTLE SHITS AWAY"
>"Alright user, roll your D20 twice"
>first round was 18
>second was 2
>The crocodile canon fires a 2 pounder into the fucking leaders
>utterly devastated, we broke their line from a failed morale check
>crocodile explodes too, all of us have our eardrums busted
>We get out with minor shrapnel wounds that can be healed pretty easily
>Except. The. Fucking. B.C.
>The crocodile's upper jaw had lodged into his skull. Completely dead
>he was going to most likely shoot us for insubordination
>My buddies and I are just sitting there like a bunch of hon hon retards covered in crocodile guys
>"Well shit, that worked."
>Buddy from Louisiana is laughing like an idiot, drinks all around
>DM spends a few minutes in the kitchen, guess he didn't expect this at all
>"Alright guys, you have won the battle, and you lost 2 men within your 15 man squadron. Your BC was sadly killed in the fighting by an unknown projectile in the report, but was closest to your unit. The Battle of Thebes was an immense success, and Napoleon Bonaparte is coming down to give us commendations for our bravery and to celebrate victory
>ceremony goes well, get promoted to BC, friends get to be my officers
>MFW I led the most bullshit act of valor in a war by listening to the Battle of New Orleans and improvising a cannon out of a crocodile

>Not naming your pic Crocpot Shot

Missed opportunity there, user.

>and improvising a cannon out of a crocodile
please explain how this is done

We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.

It was mostly charms to make him airtight and reinforced his guts to at least force the gas outwards. The trick was thinking of all the ways to make sure the charge wouldn't fail, so we made it waterproof and a few other spells and poof, easy peasy. We tried to introduce it as a possible strategy for taking over the entire Nile region, but apparently single use cannons that kill the commanders are not popular

Holy kek
>tfw Napoleon could have had the world as his oyster if he recruited rednecks

God I love the south.

>On a barge going down river
>i'm tending my horse on the top deck
>barge gets attacked by a river troll
>ask my gm if I can bowl the river troll over with my horse using an opposing strength test
>he allows it
>proceed to knock this troll on his ass so often, I punch a hole through the bottom of the barge
>charge through the hole with my horse and stab the troll to death with my lance as we sink to the river bottom
>walk my horse across the river bed to shore and leave the sinking barge behind me
sometimes the dice smile on you, and other times they create hilarious results
this is now my Knight Errant's primary strategy in combat. just wait until i get a Courser and start putting xp into his strength

Which is sad, but I could share some stories if you want (Mine however are real and while not as awesome, still somewhat silly)

>Party needs to interrogate captain on a huge casino/ cruise ship
>female members of the party (paladin and rogue) bluff as royalty and get onto the ship no problem
>male members (wizard and bard) poly-morph into seagulls and follow the ship
>all members have rings that allow them to communicate telepathically
>wizard gets an idea
>female party members seduce captain and go up to his quarters
>opens a window since "it's getting hot in here"
>wizard and bard fly through window, un-polymorph, and ninja kick the dude out cold

Man, I loved that story.

Thank you for the good feels!

A man after my own heart. Tell him that a random user approves of his weapon of choice

Our party organized a mutiny too. Scourge and Plugg just kept on being assholes, even though some in the party hadn't done anything to antagonize them and were actually really amicable.

>One night, after the party had rescued a couple of mates of the boat from an island after a terrible storm, we return
>Arcane trickster glamors himself as Scourge when one of the people on guard (and loyal to Scourge) comes running
>distracts the guard, giving them a stupid task in the cargo bay of the ship
>the rest of the group gets on board
>wizard casts silence in front of the door where Scourge and Plugg sleep in
>arcane trickster sneaks in and kills them both in their sleep
>the rest of the party holds watch over the stairs in case the mates chosen as guards come back up
>assassin goes into the other cabin where Plugg and Scourge's most loyal followers are sleeping in and murders them while they sleep

That rogue got ale for the rest of the year after that. Or would have, if he hadn't gotten killed.

What system allows this kind of combat? Limb
use tracking? That's some good stuff

>things heat up as they approach their death
>"I cut my arm off with my handaxe, then I go for his neck"
tell me which shitty system allows you to attack your own body dealing enough damage to cut a limb off, survive it, make a second attack and succeed despite having a disadvantage from the pain you caused yourself.

the system where roleplaying and flavor is a bit more important then the algebraic formula that is table top combat.

>i still dont know if its allowed
How wouldn't it be? Shit thread, shit DM scraping by on a singular cool moment.

No system allows you to target specific locations without some kind of rule for destroying limbs, wrestling and the ability to live through such injury while also doing the stupid shit OP said, basically none of this happens.

Stop using "&" every time you say "and," it looks weird as fuck.

I'm pretty sure he's saying the GM allowed it despite not having any rules for those things, just because it was cool.

Why would you not use a single character instead of 3

Y, y n?

"&" is a well established character that explicitly means the same as "and" you stupid retard moron nigger

wdym

So it was pure narration, why blog about something this silly.

Because it looks weird. It's technically correct to use any time, but most people only use it in certain situations.
Because that's the point of the thread?

No. It's how I type & how I write it, hell i even write "a's" with the little line on the top. Everyone has their own style. Ampersands are normal & need to be used more. I know it can be weird for people who use "and" but for me "ands" look unnatural.

This was just last night.

>Party rogue eavesdrops on Kraken Priest and mind flayer, only hear half the convo since MF is using telepathy
>Confront Kraken Priest after MF teleports away
>Try to extract info from KP, he takes immediate dislike to people slaughtering their way through his temple
>Fight starts
>KP uses a special item to amplify insanity, 2 of the 3 mad party members become even crazier
>Rogue is not allowed to target anyone until they target him
>Druid is super conscious of allies judging him, distracting him from enemies
>Water begins to fill the room
>KP is immediately accosted by monk and druid
>Druid turns into croc
>KP tries to back off by casting Darkness and trying to flee
>Druid Croc AoOs despite disadvantage, grappling KP
>Breaks his concentration, Darkness dispelled
>KP is dead from monk hitting him with 3 crits before his third turn, just managed to summon 3 sharks before dying
>Sharks give the party more trouble than KP managed

Felt a little bad to have my boss nuked so easily, but there's always next time.

You have to be eighteen to post here.

You have to stay away from reddit for 18 years too and yet here you are.

This happened to me.
>use brazier in church of rural village for ritual casting
>alone and focused on ritual
>locals aren't happy with this
>get captured by dragon-worshipping cultists
>knocked out, strapped to altar
>party comes in to the rescue
>come back to consciousness while the battle still rages
>naked, all equipment gone
>giant ceremonial knife sticking out of my chest
>stand up
>"You are naked and unarmed, what do you do"
>"Can I pull the dagger from my chest and use it as a weapon?"
>"You can try"
>"Will that hurt me further?"
>"It might very well."
>"It would be pretty metal though."
>"It would be, yes."
>"Then it's obvious what I do, right?"
>"You pull the dagger?"
>"I pull the dagger."
I can't not do it. It's impossible. Somehow I survived this idiotic encounter I brought upon myself, but all my stuff was lost forever. The character never fully recovered.

t. Unimaginative moron

They were probably playing DnD. You aren't married to the rules and restricted to the exact lines they lay for you. If your player is stuck in a bear trap with rabid wolves closing in, and he wants to hack off his foot, are you gonna say "I don't see that in the PHB?" Like? If a player comes up with something, especially something that's detrimental in the long run but gets them out of a scrape in a memorable way, you make it work, I don't care if it's white wolf or DnD 4e.

you realize & is actually how you used to spell and right? It was the 27th letter of the alphabet

>Single enemies don't do too well in 5e
LEGENDARY
LAIR
ACTIONS

You done good DM. Ya done good.

Yes?

This made me want to play as cleric.

Your the faggot who doesn't even understand an ampersands. I'm glad I ruined your economy & housing industries & I'll die from old age, bitches, & cocaine before the whole place gets trashed

Not as cool as op story.
>Level2 party 5e
>Group runs afoul of a basilisk.
>Bard knows what's up "don't look at it"
>Barb. "I'm gonna turn that thing into a tent..." *Stares it down* *fails Con check while climbing to it*
>Turned to stone mid climb. Falls off ledge. One arm breaks off. Most of foot on same side falls off.
>Kill the fuckin thing, side quest to restore Barb beings.
>Barb comes back to life, now has a metal golem arm. Foot is restored.
>Becomes alcoholic because he has a magic arm.
>Go to event with a weapons check, he's cleaned up and hands over his weapons.
>Shit happens, man challenges him to a duel.
>Asshole is a mage and tries to thunder clap him off an awning.
>Knocks arm loose.
>Barb grabs magic arm. Rips sleeve off (people in crowd are not privy to this man having a prosthetic.) And proceeds to cave the man's skull in for trying to kill him.
>Before finishing the fight he goes dirty south prayer on his ass. ",My God, giude my hand to this milksop's head, may it swing true and knock the stupid out of him!"