Is there a more hilariously useless and ridiculous 5e race than the tortle?

Too bad there isn't a monk path that focuses on being a stationary barricade and grappling. All I want is to be an immobile turtle demigod that lures in highwaymen with my leathery charm and then throwing them over the horizon.

>lures in highwaymen with my leathery charm
How do you see that working exactly?

For some reason WotC seems to think that longevity is a racial trait that matters. It doesn't, no one is enough of an idiot to use Time Travel, and the few times it does is the few times that you would need a DM to houserule it.

Turtles are fucking adorable.

It matters to alot of roleplayers. Elves as a race aren't very good when you take away their long lifespans, but they've long been a favorite of edgelords and mary sues who wana talk about their characters having centuries of experience while still being sexy or beautiful or in their prime or whatever.

Are 6 foot, 450 lb turtles still adorable though?

This is why I'm currently playing a three hundred year old firbolg fighter. Ugly as sin but every bit a Gary Stu. He even has a wing cloak.

Are you telling me you wouldn't hug the big cuddly turtle giant with his dopey face and weird claw-fingers?

>Only live 50 years
How? turtles are supposed to easily live over 100

>TFW every female player I've ever had in a game has picked Elf or Half Elf as their race.

I think user might be on to something...

>be me
>be highwayman
>be creeping about after dark looking for travelers to rob
>see something on the road ahead
>it's a giant fucking turtle
>wait what's it doing?
>it's trying to hug me?
>run the fuck away

Yes, kobolds were designed as intentionally bad.

I had a girl play a kobold cleric of Hlal in my last campaign. Basically a free-wheeling prostitute who used her retardly high charisma to cajole people into fucking the tiny lizard girl.

they also love tieflings IME

>look over shoulder
>see said giant fucking turtle lumbering after me, laughing like a big stupid child with its arms open

They love MALE tieflings, for the bad-boi factor. I've never seen anyone play a female one.

Truly the stuff of nightmares. At least travelers would be safe on the roads now.

They also love females but they always use pretty draenei art for their characters, not the ugly standard from the books.

So this is hell.

> elf
> not good
wat

>The whole POINT of Tieflings is that they're supposed to be frightening and distrusted
>"Yeah, I'm basically going to play a hot succubus-tier sex-goddess."

Why am I not surprised?

>+2 charisma

Progression is designed to work around this in time anyway. You might start out as the "ebil devil" but save enough lives, rescue enough princesses, and clear enough rats out of cellars, and eventually you'll become a beloved local hero.

Now if you want to BEGIN as a Mary Sue fuckbunny then look no further than aasimar.

>doesn't know what a kender is
>Google-fu
>"Kender are socially like small children. They ask a lot of questions, run around like chickens with their heads cut off, and generally get into more trouble than they're worth."

How the fuck do these horrid little beasts maintain a society?

That's just so they're intimidating and are good warlocks.

It's also because Humans suck unless you're using variant rules. In fact, this is true of most games, not just DnD. Humans are always the "balanced" race, and the "balanced" race in any given setting is code for "will never be as good at anything as a race that specializes". This combined with the fact that there's rarely reasons to do things outside of your specialization anyway just makes them all-around mediocre.

>try stabbing it
>dagger keeps being turned away by creepy shell
>it starts bragging about being able to hold its breath for an hour

Could you namedrop some games where humans suck, other than 5e without the variant humans? I know the bonus feat on humans is very good in both 3.5e and 4e D&D, it's like their specialty is the ability of individual humans to specialize in whatever they want.

completely wrong, humans in 5e are top tier

>look at tiefling stats
>five fucking pages of racial bonuses
>still considered bad
>look at variant human stats
>you get a feat
>top tier all years lolwtf are you doing playing anything else?

>without using variant rules

Yeah, no, humans suck shit without the variant rules, sorry.

>The whole POINT of Tieflings is that they're supposed to be frightening and distrusted

According to who?, your ass?

>Unironically believing this.

Humans are only good if you use variant rules, otherwise they're garbage-tier.

Thank you user, it made me laugh.

A fanwiki brought us Neutronium Golems, though.

Oh my god, I forgot about the fucking Immortals Handbook. Now I wanna download the pdf. and look at all the god feats. That shit was amaze-balls.

It is almost as if Charisma was not the same thing as Beauty

>That shit was amaze-balls

XenoFags GTFO!

Again, for the fourth fucking time in this thread, humans getting a free feat is a VARIANT RULE, so they're even worse than THAT by default.

It's like TES deepest lore on crack

>maintain a society
They don't, they ruin others'.

It's almost like I said variant in my post you toe-sucking thunderfag.

>amaze-balls

It's a common expression. I've heard it at least twice before.

user, have you ever even read a dnd source book?
That 1d4chan article you got the picture from doesn't count in the least

Actually if he got the image from 1d4chan it would be called Tiefling.jpg. Yes I just checked.

How terribly current and hip of you.

here, that was perhaps more cutting than I intended.

It does sound very much like something said, rather than typed/written however.
I also just hate it, it sounds like what a young person might say who doesn't realise it makes them sound like an older person trying to sound cool. I really hate it

I just assumed it was dry sarcasm. Still made me cry though.

>Is there a more hilariously useless and ridiculous SYSTEM than 5e
FTFY OP

Why don't orcs get +2 to charisma then? They should be intimidating too.

Because I find it fun to prove people wrong, here's four pre-4e tieflings off the top of my head. The first, second, and fourth are all official appearances, while the third is a fan drawing of Annah-of-the-Shadows. I don't know if any official art of Annah exists, but an in-game picture of her would look scary only because it's friggin' 90s CGI art, everything looked scary.

You know you can substitute other ability scores for skill checks, right? The very example given in the 5e PHB is using Strength instead of Charisma on Intimidate.

feats are reeal good in 5e, especially at low levels

I'm sorry user.

But please type as you read, not as you talk.

Genasi as well

>be DM with a weaboo who wants to elf ronin
>get backstory detailing his 2 centuries of experience tracking down a bandit who killed his family
>details the dozens, nay scores of victories he's had, the notches on the hilt as a reminder
>kindly remind him he's level 1, and has maybe killed a SINGLE bandit, and it was likely a harrowing ordeal.

Every time someone plays an elf at low level I have to do this

They get some sick bonuses though.

>the low-level pussy, cowardly, feeble fodder race meant to be killed in units of measurement like a "bushel" is a shitty race to play
Who knew

There's also Tisha from Fell's Five, who is pretty much a pink Draenei.

You clearly don't play Pathfinder. Humans are exceptionally good at every class because they get a free feat, a bonus in any stat, an extra skill rank, and no negative modifies. Literally no drawbacks, and their bonuses are better than the mostly useless racial traits of everyone else.

That's why i prefer to run level-less systems.
For all i care you could have been part of the Emperors Bodyguards and team up with a Krill Farmer and a Merchant.

Well, elves are Immune to sleep, which is basically save or die if you GM is so inclined.

This is why I hate 1st party Pathfinder with a burning passion. Fucking fake options. Hundred of feats, only a few dozen are worth taking. Hundreds of Archetypes, the vast majority are trading shitty class options for shittier class options. A gaggle of different weapons and you're still going to go for the greatsword because two-handed fighting is objectively superior to any other melee option. Lots of classes, lots of races, but God forbid you want to play a dwarven bard or a hafling fighter without seriously gimping yourself. Want to play a small race? Cool! You will be utterly useless if you play anything other than a rogue or a caster. Want to play a Kobold? Your stats suck because we want you to suck.

And they pass all this off as an aid in roleplaying.

Elves are good, if not excel, in every single field.
Need an archer, sage, mage, smith, stonemason, fighter, face, thief, vintner, literally anything? Draft an elf. They’re physiologically and mentally superior to all races as well.

>>Average height six foot
lbs
>Jesus Christ it's the TMNT

Only in the recent movies, thus far the turtles were always smaller than average humans, being teenagers and all.
In the last version Donnie is the tallest of the turtles and April is also a teen, but he's still shorter than an adult man.

Don't see a problem here

Which is even more annoying because the Pathfinder goblin, by comparison, is a virtual juggernaut.

Seriously, I will love 4e forever for having hands down the best statblocks for goblin & kobold PCs.

the what?

I realised today that not only did Marisha from Critical Role pick the most Mary Sue race in 5e (half Elf) AND rip her entire character from Last Airbender, but she even ripped the name "Keyleth" directly rom the recommended female Elf name list
Even less creative and lower Effie than I ever imagined.

You're right on Teiflings. What many here seem to be forgetting is the literal point of teiflings is humans with infernal blood, meaning they can be any combination of hellish and human. There is literally no lore reason for a teifling to be unnatractive by default.

>pic related

can...can you kill it?

Yeah of course I can, I can do it with one hand behind my back.

Where is the fun in just inflating stats to the point of ridiculousness? It wouldn't even be fun to play, let alone fight

What's wrong with tortles?

They're also not meant to stand on their hind legs their entire life. Maybe constant carrying yourself in that pose adds a lot of stress to your respiratory system and bone structure?

>Basically a free-wheeling prostitute who used her retardly high charisma to cajole people into fucking the tiny lizard girl.
>needing retardedly high charisma and cajoling to get people to fuck a tiny lizard girl
In what fucking realm?

I imagine it's probably normal for at least some humans to not be sexually attracted to reptiles.

>Turtle penis scaled up to proportion with the rest of the Tortle

...

Thats official Planescape art you retard

Tieflings existed back then?

man FUCK the Kender. Every society in my games either hate them or have a kill on sight.

^ This

Yeah, you meet one in the first few minutes of Planescape: Torment
She slurs her words and is generally described in horrific terms, which your companion Morte explains is because she's a tiefling, and as such a genetic mess

I don't include Kender in my games because I don't hate myself or my players

Planescape literally *created* the idea of tieflings. They were one of the three races (alongside bariaur and githzerai) to appear in the Planescape Boxed Set, and got their famous randomization trait table in the Planewalker's Handbook.

All I know about Planescape is it's too old for my laptop to run it, there's a talking skull and a succubus, and the blue caveman on the cover isn't in the game.

...Planescape is a campaign setting for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Planescape: Torment was a videogame based on Planescape.

Where is all of this anger towards kender coming from? I guarantee most of you people have never played a campaign where a single kender existed, yet you act like they raped and killed your mother.