ITT: Shit your players do

>fudging
Not even once.

GM only needs to roll dice for the sound.

>hating cats
Neck yourself.

>Bard
"I'm just playing my lute XXXDDDDDDDD VICIOUS MOCKERY"

>Barbarian
>>I'd like to rage
>>"lovable" retard

And then whole table thinks it's genius roleplaying. Literally the most braindead way to play anything.

Also,
>Can my character who died come back again so I can play him?

That's not a GM, that's a faker. It's contemptuous towards your players. If you think that's OK then you're on either the sociopathic or autistic spectrum, or even both.

no u

"It is what my character would do!"

>Can my character who died come back again so I can play him?
I kind of suggested that once but to be fair the setting was rife necromancy, one of the other characters was literally a ghost and he would have been actually a different character due to being a big magic zombie.

this

is me
What's really rich is that the players asking for this are playing ToA, meaning their souls are currently trapped in the soulmonger. Not to mention that the cleric burned their bodies to ash when they died.

>one point deviation below average intelligence score
>"durr me Re-Tard me wear bicycle helmet"

>rolls die
>immediately picks it up and rerolls it

>"I wanna name my character Fuckass Dickdick"
>>No, give your character an actual name
>"Aw come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

>"Okay, so my character is like three dogs glued together an-"
>>That's not the kind of campaign I'm running, I need a real character from you
>"Aw come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

>>Okay, what's your character like?
>"Basically me, but an asshole"

>"50 gold for doing this? How about you give us 10,000 gold each for this instead, humble farmer."
>"This computer costs $500? How about 2 cents for it?"
>cancel last minute
>don't show up at all and don't say anything
>nobody shows up at all without saying anything and I'm left sitting there alone
>"We know you wanted us to assassinate that guy, but we also killed some random person, so pay us double."
>describes their character as being a pre-existing character from fiction
>describes their character as being a pre-existing character from Dragon Ball, again
>"Why did my nonsensical plan work? I don't understand, all it required was the world to run on wacko comedy bizarro world logic!"
>calls me a dick when something doesn't go their way

I'm so very tired

Dwarf Paladin
>> I only ever grunt and bever actually use words
>> Muh axe
>> Muh beer
>> Muh beard
>> What is roleplaying?
Elf Ranger
>> What is roleplaying?
Elf Wizard
>> I can do everything, I am the best
>>Before the session has started "What is our quest and how much XP do we get when we return it?"
>> Argues with me about rule untill I quote the book and still somehow thinks he is right after that

>I’d like to rage
Oh so your table has braindead memespouting fucks as well? Does he do the accent too?

Fuck, Critical Role is not that bad, but I have yet to meet a single self-outed fan of it that doesn’t just parrot their shit endlessly.

Bit more meta but
>Brings over his own food when I've organized for the whole party already

I've never told my GM this and you're probably gonna hate me but:

For about six months now I haven't bothered keeping track of my health, I just keep a rough average of how hurt I am in my head and when it's thematically appropriate say I'm really hurt/unconscious/critical.

GENIUS

>players read Dungeon Meshi and want to start cooking food in-game
>they don't actually know anything about cooking, so they just roll dice and expect me to describe some huge fancy meal

>I'm gonna make a jack of all trades then complain when a specialized person does better than me
>I'm gonna pull a gun on everyone we talk to and and wonder why we burn so many bridges
>I want to shoot the kid who has done literally nothing wrong because I personally don't like them
>I wanna play a monster race character in a human only setting and browbeat you into letting me
I only have two players who i can't bitch about and they're both new to RPGs and it surprises me everytime that they are my best players.

>>I wanna play a monster race character in a human only setting and browbeat you into letting me
I know a guy who literally does this to our group. He also does stupid meme builds like strength mage.

>"We know you wanted us to assassinate that guy, but we also killed some random person, so pay us double."

You should cut their payment in half and give the sum to the killed person's next of kin.

>Spend three sessions hyping up this monster under a city
>Describe it as malicious and intelligent, wanting to impose itself over all creation
>Monster removing people's organs and placing them in bodily shells that look just like it so that it can propogate its own image, these lesser horrors have been in the campaign from the start and nobody knows where they come from, players can finally get answers!
>Players descend into the creature's lair, first room has a circular hole in the floor.
>One of my players SCREAMS, literally fucking waking my housemates, "OH MY GOD IT'S A BEHOLDER"
>His character was a Janitor with no knowledge of monsters and their ecology
>All of the other players have the surprise ruined for them.
>Talk with other players, they all said they had no idea and would rather it have been a compete surprise when they faced the creature.
>That guy defends his actions saying "Well I know my CHARACTER didn't know that, that's why I said it out-of-character! No harm done!"
I'm so cold, brothers.

That's not really the responsibility of a player. Like, they (being attacks, not your players) suck for sure, I have a brother with BPD and my sister gets panic attacks occasionally, but coming from the viewpoint of an observer, Shit's scary to watch, and it's very hard to know what to do to try to help or even just not make it worse.

user, don't invite him in the first place. problem solved.

>ahaha I'm a drunk bard, I'm gonna try performing for this rock!
>nat 20, fml
>lol the rock gives me money, right?

Fucking hate that the bard PC is both the best roleplayer when shit goes down and the most retarded one when there's not much going on in the moment

>I only have two players who i can't bitch about and they're both new to RPGs and it surprises me everytime that they are my best players
WHy is this surprising? The two non-sperglords are your best players. Of fucking course they are, they're not sperglords.

It's just so much more convenient and makes for good "ooh shit" moments

God I wish i could blame it on autism, but as a doctor certificated autistic I have to say that the monster race person is my only fellow sperg, everyone is mostly mentally well, sans maybe some anxiety or depression.

>"Basically me, but an asshole"

Got a chuckle out of me

>Party barely survive an armed incursion on their hideout that was only triggered due to their balls-to-the-wall playstyle that often resulted in bodycounts of dozens per mission
>they scream at me OOC for pulling shit out of my ass
>lingering suspicion they're just buttmad i forced them to use their expensive grenades and burned their ammunition caches down

From experience I can understand missing a dead character...but if you really want, you can play that character again in another game. Some folks are weird enough they play one character every game, so getting to play a character once more in another game when you feel like they didn't really get the story they deserved or whatever is fine. But demanding they come back in that same game should have a price or some character-twisting change - and if you don't want to do that, you should live with it, otherwise death has no consequence.

But fuuuuuck people who play Chaotic Neutral as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want and try and argue with the party that their character isn't doing anything wrong. It gets especially bad with the odd druid 'that doesn't know anything about civilization because she was raised in the woods guys, she doesn't know any better!' But yet knows to steal magical things and how important money is and how to sleep in an inn.

>Pay no attention to combat
>passive as fuck characters
>constantly fucking up their rolls
I'm not a dm but every frigging session. I'm the one who knows where everyone is during a fight, I know the turn order and how things are going in. I'm, also the only one with a plan

>"Alright Player 1, you have initiative, what do you do?"
>"I dunno, what can I do?"

This is three levels into the fucking campaign and he STILL doesn't know what the fuck to do.

As a fairy new player myself, it's because we're excited and hopelessly misinformed by slivers of media that portray the hobby as something you take with a measure of seriousness.

This is more a peeve as a fellow player, but I hate when someone makes a character that you are completely unable to take seriously...except in combat.

Outside of combat they're saying strange or silly things, being generally annoying and hard to get along with - but the moment you're in combat they're slinging spells that take out half the enemy, or become a furious ball of muscle and metal.

I could live with it if they actually tried to be likeable, but they always seem to enjoy being someone that the party mostly has to deal with rather than enjoy having around. Imagine of Vash from Trigun had absolutely none of the love of life or good-natured charm that made him so endearing, or a story that gave him ways to prove his depth of character.

>Whenever player tries to infiltrate a building, he tries to disguise as an inspector or auditor of some sort to intimidate guards into letting him in
>I always let him roll for it fairly
>However, whenever he succeeds, I tend to stick some sort of manager to supervise the inspection with him (as would make sense, why would an inspector not have someone who works there to accompany the inspection?)
>He ALWAYS tries to push his luck to try to convince them to let him wander around alone
>Never changes tactics and keeps trying to intimidate people with his fake inspector credentials
>Inevitably fails a persuasion roll
>Gets pissy that his plan never works

The worst thing is, he's just copying a tactic I used in his first session when I was still a player, but just executes it really badly.

Hey, some new GMs have a hard time keeping/building suspense and this is basically the "get worried now!" Button.

But you are right, it's taking and the support wheels have to go as fast as possible.

get an egg timer. If they don't declare an action by the time the egg timer runs out, they spend their turn dithering.
Speeds combat right up.

>player never says anything or participates despite me telling him to speak up multiple times
>have to ask him specifically what he wants to do anytime something happens
>after game
>"you're not including me enough"

next place the infiltrate, they'll notice corporate posters on the walls with warnings like "THIEVES IN THIS CITY HAVE BEEN IMPERSONATING AUDITORS TO GAIN ACCESS TO SENSITIVE AREAS. THINK, DOES THIS PERSON HAVE PROPER ID FOR WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE?" and then have the NPCs look at them, look at the poster, and then tell them to jog on.
THey'll get the message eventually.

>player makes generic dumb barbarian to play in my campaign
>eventually I get them into a different 2e game
>the dm practically makes their character completely, gives them a backstory and pretty much tells them how to roleplay it
>player has flaked from my campaign for the past 3 sessions

I was a player in an Edge of the Empire game where another player did the same damn thing.
>party is deciding what to do next
>he's silent
>party has a choice to make
>he's silent
>party has downtime and people are pursuing their respective goals
>he's silent
>halfway through session
>"I never get a chance to do anything anyways"

...

I have a DM that tries to roleplay our characters for us, two of the players don't seem to mind because they hardly ever have any character concept nailed down. However another player and I always come into games with actual character concepts and really hate having control taken away from us.

That DM is always a murder-hobo when he's a player too.

Is he getting a chance to get a word in edgewise? If he's some polite shy fuck he might not get a chance to speak up because he waits for everyone else.

>"I don't really see my guy going on this kind of adventure. Isn't there a quest board in the middle of town or something?"
Sure. There's a fucking quest board. Someone has lost a pet monkey.
>I didn't think I'd actually have to bring the monkey back to town. I'm just gonna let it go again.

Whats wrong with the lovable retard?

>I'd like to rage
What's wrong with that?

You can't say certain sentences to Veeky Forums because some youtube series also said it that way

>Offer blowjobs for better roll modifications.

Not him, but I've seen some players struggle with playing an intentionally dumb character. Or worse, they chop off heads at inopportune moments, get into situation that require brains and diplomacy that they can't handle - or by doing so make such situations so nonviable that they have to be pruned from the adventure - generally don't show any care for the world or setting, and cause the party and GM a headache if at their worst. Not that all dumb barbarians do that, mind, just there are a lot of potential pitfalls.

That's why I like systems with fate dice or similar mechanics. It gives a limited resource to give players like that a good feeling and limits the whining. If you run out of points its your own fault

>I’d like to rage
Wait, what? Why is this wrong?

>He dosen't play a logan ninefingers tier disaster
>middle-aged barbarian grown soft on city living
>Struggling to control his rage once it's awoken after years of dormancy

>power fantasy and derive their fun from "winning" instead of actually playing the game
I've got a couple people in my group that are like this and I can only imagine the patience our DM has for their shit. I'm furious the second they start bitching

Well yeah that sounds fucking great, but that's not stereotypical dumb brute paladin who can only count to two because his sword needs two hands. That sounds like an idea that was thought about for longer than five minutes.

Had a player like that until recently. With an added dash of self insert power fantasy. It was weird

That's the thing though, the "Hurr me grog" thing is just fucking boring. It cannot stand up on its own

>players are tasked with breaking into a small military base outside a small town in Kansas
>decide to meet and discuss their plan in a Denny's
>in a world where mutants and meta-humans are hunted by the government
>one player is in power armor
>another is a 9 foot tall plant monster
>everyone quietly leaves the denny's and the sheriff is called
>party mostly surrenders to sheriff
>power armor guy starts throwing portals around and leaps through them, escaping into a nearby corn field
>only the sheriff passes his fear test to give chase to power armor guy
>power armor guy quickly figures out how far a lethal fall would be and places a portal at perusing sheriff's feet, and another in the sky, the impact kills him
>giant plant monster decides he doesn't need to deal with this and walks away, deputies unload and give chase
>bullets dont really bother plant man and he loses them in the fields
later
>re-grouped in a hotel
>decide to information gather at a nearby bar, the only one in town really
>one guy decided to bring his magic bow that is VERY recognizable to the bar
>its a small town, as soon as they show up the cops are called descretely
>one of them decided to hustle a few off duty marines in pool
>power armor guy who actually left his power armor at home decides to start a fist fight with bow guy while shouting "you killed the sheriff"
>plant monster had the sense to wait outside the bar in nearby tall grass.
>deputies show up and plant monster entangles them with grass
>fight ensues and officer who turns out to be a government controlled superhuman attempts to apprehend party
>party manages to flee
>military base now knows about "mutants" in area and is on high alert

Getting fucked by dice sucks. I might have a solid character, but if I'm rollin' 7 or under on ever single roll, then I am absolutely fucked for level-appropriate challenges.

I often take abilities that give me rerolls or advantage just 'cause a d20 has so much god damn swing. Don't expect a DM will cut me any slack, though.

I think passive sense motive should be a thing, too. In my daily life, I am always feeling out people and my interaction with them. It happens on an unconscious level. In a world of magic and goblins, you beat your fucking ass I am going to be suspicious of everyone that I meet.

i dont allow arguing rules at my table, i may be wrong but if you insist on arguing right then and there at the table while the game is going on then you get a warning and the game continues, you do it a second time and i ask the rest of the group if they are fine stopping the flow of the game to have this discussion, if one person says no or hints that they dont want to stop the game, i ask tell you to wait until after the game. the third time i just tell my player to sit out the rest of the session. rule 0 exists to keep the game flowing. if i'm wrong about a rule talk about it after, i am always happy to discuss it after the session is over, if it cant wait then politely inform me that its dire, dont just argue. and most importantly if its a ruling that resulted in your character's death then i'm not above apologizing and changing how the story went or what happened to have your character come back.

i can be wrong but its not up for discussion while the game is going on. ever. the game is for everyone and if you wanna stop it for your argument then you're using up EVERYONE's time.

I do something similar, where I lie to my party about getting dropped. Like, if i'm mid-level (5+ in dnd/3.pf) and I haven't been touched so far

>Hit... and you take 7 damage
>Aw shit guys, I'm down

I'm a bard at heart.

Which is why it's being complained about? Some people legitimately just run with that, especially if they're new or aren't creative.

>Player who does retarded, out of context shit because they haven't done anything in a while and feel like they have to do SOMETHING even if it's of no benefit or even detrimental to the party

>Party in diplomatic talks with king
>I make goodberries appear at his feet xDDDDD

>Party sneaking around bandit camp and taking out sentries stealthily
>I start singing XDDDDD

>Party talking with blacksmith to have armor commissioned for them
>I stroke his thigh xDDDDD

>Party rescues woman from vampires about to feast on her
>I start chewing on her binds xDDDDD

It's a thing people do on Critical Role. It's one thing to try an make an endearing character, it's another to be a meme spouting faggot who derives pleasure from making people think that they're clever by using someone else's idea.

>let it go again

I've gotten shit for suggesting that very thing; apparently I'm a bad person for wanting rounds to go faster than 1 every 10 minutes, 7 of those minutes coming from one player.

I'm sorry but that Denny's scene leading up to the police confrontation definitely sounds like it could be in a movie
>Blurry, unfocused background images of people leaving in a hurry while camera focuses on our protagonists
>Scared waitress takes orders for everyone with wide, shaky eyes
Also your setting sounds fun, user.

>Ask to reroll bad rolls

I'm that guy but in my defense I have never done that.

That's when you throw gas spores at them.

You're talking about Alzfaran Lovenwar, aren't you? There could have been a copper piece under it!

>I'm gonna make a jack of all trades then complain when a specialized person does better than me
Common beginner's mistake

Or you're running a story, not a game.

>a human only setting

>I want to play a druid, but I want a nonstandard race
Yeah, sure, shouldn't be a problem
>I want to be a centaur
Alright, I can work with that, that's fine
>I want to rp as a hippie who just wants to save the forest
That's fine, the party wants to go slay dragons but dragons aren't forests, shouldn't be a big deal
>Proceeds to only refer to themselves as "being high" and say "like, what? ha."

something has gone badly wrong when the plant monster is the most sensible player.

get better players, or force your players to git gud. Honestly, slowpoke mc wizard should be planning his turn during everybody else's

A human only setting is the opposite of edgy. Low fantasy settings exist, dude, you can play a Tiefling Hexblade when we do Forgotten Realms next.

yes, this is why your Dark Heresy cell should totally include a tau.

>that one player that asks the DM to explain everything over and over again multiple times a session
>that one player that tries to command the other players around despite the party having no chain of command
>that one player that insists that their characters can move to or attack enemies no matter how much is blocking their way or how far the distance is

>not playing a system with hero points or other re-roll mechanics

I have my players roll to see if they see anything special. If they should see SOMETHING then they'll see something.

>a human only setting

Holy shit are you me? There's this fucker named Ben who is attached to all my groups of friends who ruins every one of my games along with his sow of a girlfriend.

>2 sorcs
>First round of combat
>"I cast my aoe spell as the absolute highest possible damage"
>40 damage on some goblins
>I can do perhaps half that with crits, extra attack, rage and my weapons
I begin to see what people mean about casters

>goofy character is the strongest
this is god-tier and you should feel bad for your shit taste

>implying Dark Heresy and everything 40K related Isn't already EDGE

It's only good when the player makes the goofiness enjoyable and not just grating.

You are a bad GM.

Do you have a folder with a bunch of those images saved? Just like, only that image, renamed a million-billion times?