Shit your players do

>they drag somebody along who has no interest in table top of any sort so they just sit there
>bonus points for: it's their SO, the guest is noisy, they're constantly making it known they don't want to be there

>they get a phone call and instead of getting up and going somewhere private they stay seated at the table for a 30 minute conversation
>bonus points for: "do you mind i'm having a conversation here.", speakerphone, awkward conversation or topic

>They don't use coasters

>eating at the table during the game
>bonus points for: it's messy, it smells, it's "finger food" and they proceed to touch everything without washing their god damned hands

>trying to hit on anything that moves and expecting it to result in some serious RP between them and their chosen victim plus DM
>bonus points for: it's not in-game, its in-game but intended for the person on the receiving end out of game, they get upset that it either doesn't work out or that the DM isn't willing to be taken hostage in such a way

>using the game as a way to express their political views
>bonus points for: they're using it as a passive aggressive action against another player they think is at odd's with their stance, they're using the game to try and recruit others toward their stance

>being some flavor of sub-human scum

>Players continue to be passive
>Bird-man warlock with a fixation on natural weapons says little, scarsely roleplays
>goliath barbarian's character is played straight
>"are you Insulting me?"
>Literal-minded
>Largest contribution is getting in my road when I go in for my rp moments
I mean I'm glad he does it. I needed SOMEONE to take the reigns from my degenerate character, but still. I'm still doing all of the talking with my bad dorf accent

>Planning new game with group for weeks
>First session scheduled, just gonna be character creation and session 0 stuff. It's a new system for us, so I want to be there to make sure that everything is done correctly.
>Suddenly, the day before the game, most of the group has last minute scheduling conflicts
>Frustrating, but my own schedule can get pretty sporadic so it would be unfair of me to get at them over this.
>Offer to help the guys who can show up with character creation
>They don't want to come with most of the group missing. They assure me that they read the rules and can make characters on their own.
>Whatever, tell everyone to show up next week with characters made so that we can actually play the game they've been asking me to run for them.
>Next week comes
>All but one person haven't even started making characters
>One guy who tried did it wrong so I have to go through and correct his sheet like a teacher grading homework.

>Plans to put the fear of my ear off until I should turn him into a dragon
What did he mean by this

>"Does an 18 hit?"
>No
>"Wait, I have bless, does a 19 hit?"
>No
>"Wait I didn't power attack this time, does a 20 hit?"
>No, In addition, you told me to always assume you power attack, so the point is moot
>....."Does a 21 hi-"
And the we have to go over all his bonuses to make sure he isn't cheating
Repeat on every miss

Fucking Scheduling, I've haven't gotten a game on for 2-3 months because of 5 players instead of 4, fuck.

JUST PLAY WITH 4
GODDAMN

MAKE IT WORK AND THE PLAYERS WHO DON'T COME WILL MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO COME, OR DROP

player here.

dm
>the group will agree on a day for a session, come the day of the dm will ghost everyone if he decides he doesn't want to play after all then lie about ever having agreed in the first place
>easily distracted, speaks in a low voice when he *is* focused on actually DMing so he's hard to hear over the rest of the obnoxious party
>always overwhelms the party with more shit than we can feasibly handle, example, party is investigating an underground temple near a village and more and more demons and outsiders and all other kinds of shit way above our strength keep showing up before we can even deal with the original problem that brought us there in the first place

silent guy
>never says a thing outside of combat, never interacts with anyone or anything, might as well be an NPC that tags along with us

weeb stoner
>only plays monks who are high 24/7
>constantly interrupts anything and everything that is going on to spout some stupid bullshit meme or something
>never takes anything seriously, always says the stupidest shit "in character" which he will immediately withdraw, dm allows this because he's a weeb too

guy who plays the same character always
>always plays a stoic master chief wannabe character in any system and any setting, including presently in pathfinder
>i have no idea why the dm allowed this, i thought for a time just to meet the number of players he wanted but we could've easily found others willing to play and who wouldn't insist on making retarded shit that doesn't fit in the setting
>chaotic stupid ingame, frequently wanders off alone and gets his ass kicked because of it, and generally tries to or at the very least threatens to kill most NPCs we meet

new guy
>current campaign is this guy's first ever experience with tabletop
>he's a close friend of the weeb's so i've little expectation that he will grow into a worthwhile player
>generally the last player to arrive and the first to leave because he's a pussywhipped normie

con't

You need to kill Teehee Maccaroni. In front of the players and the DM.

new guy cont'd
>makes little effort to interact with NPCs or players aside from introducing himself just so he can say his character's stupid 10 minute long weeb name which he thinks is hilarious
>"hi i'm shinji-ichi-amuro-naruto-sama-sensai-sempai" or some shit

the group as a whole/i'm just ranting at this point
>none of them have any respect for anyone else's time, least of all mine
>i'm constantly having to backseat dm to keep everyone focused on actually playing the goddamn game instead of talking about anime, youtubers they worship, cellphone games or vidya in general
>i suspect they will grow to resent me for this if they haven't already because they'll see me as the guy who wants to ruin their "fun"
>you dumb niggers you can talk about any of this shit any other day/time of the week, i put up with you all coming over to my house and not cleaning up after your sorry fucking selves because i want to play pretend, not listen to you all talk about your other hobbies i don't give a flying fuck about

>Continueously rolling their dice over and over again when they haven't been asked to make a roll

Jesus user. I thought being the only one keeping some measure of track was bad. My fellow Players have settled down a bit but yeah- fuckface's turn comes up and he's always "what, so what's going on? where am I? where's everyone else? what was I doing less then 5 minutes ago?" and I have to explain before the dm works himself up and wastes another 5 minutes with his idiot shouting

Just kick one player even though they're all tangled up in the campain?

Mac Attax's cryptomancers are doing some VERY interesting things with bitcoins.

>dm idiot shouting
I wish my DM would do this, so i could feel like i'm not the only one who gives a shit about the game. Everyone else in my group treats the gaming sessions like they're just a reason to hang out and shoot the shit first, and actually playing the game second. I'm the only one who I feel is invested in my character and actively engages others and NPCs in roleplay so I always slip into the role of being party leader and having to drag everyone else along.

>"so what's going on"
half of my group are smokers, so when they go outside we the rest of us might as well just stop everything and wait because i'm just going to have to bring them up to speed anyways.

>just find a new group that is more suited to your playstyle user
I've thought about this, and attempted once. The other group I joined was full of that guys who would derail sessions constantly with shouting matches over metagaming or rules-lawyering. I'd rather have my sessions derailed because of youtube vids or memes if i'm going to have to put up with it either way.

playing over the internet has just never appealed to me, maybe i'm just old fashioned. If i'm going to be sitting at my computer there's plenty of other things I could be doing and I don't want to give into the temptation and risk myself becoming that guy who has no idea what's going on because i'm scrambling to dock up all my shit in eve cus a hotdropper just showed up. having everyone together sitting at the table or in the living room is just part of the experience for me i guess.

No group is better then a bad group

>playing in an online campaign that i'm helping the DM to write
>playing a "leader" character, avoid combat but stick with the party to guide them along.
>join during the second session, after the party joined up and cleared a dungeon. party are hauled to "command room"
>my character asks
>"who are you guys?"
>havent met anyone IC, dont actually know their characters as ive not looked.
>players list their character names
>"okay, but, who are you?"
>expect some sort of RP introduction to learn a little about them
>"we already told you our names"
>silently scream and manhandle the scene forwards knowing literally nothing about the party other than their icons.
>in a later fight try to hand a sword to a disarmed party member
>"oh I cant use that, im a dex based class"
>maybe id have known that if youd said anything other than your fucking name when I tried to find out about you all
>character is going to spend the entire campaign trying to find a different group of adventures to work with, as this one already had 2 deaths in the starting town

Only plays one character, despite trying many race/class combinations. That character is:

-Brooding, asocial loner one liner type
-Straight out of a 80's action movie
-Alcoholic
-Constantly makes dick jokes and gay jokes about the other players and dm, sometimes we set it up but sometimes it's a stretch. Lowest common denominator humor. Actually one of the better features
-Constantly working against the party except in combat, stealing other people's shit, going off on his own and splitting the party, utterly selfish about loot
-Very high power level in comparison to the party because he studies race/class combinations and makes characters for fun in his free time looking for exploits. This isn't exactly a bad trait but it makes party balance and challenge rating difficult, if I send higher challenge rating things their way they one-shot the rest of the party and Action Hero remains

He's not a bad guy, fun to play with, but he takes the game mechanics much more seriously than the story or roleplaying

>"who are you guys?"
It doesn't matter who they are. What matters is their plan.

as a player my group does this time to time but i make it up by helping other players finish their character sheet and also snacks
>there's always one guy who never reads the rules and always ask the GM what can i do and do i have to roll

>the wizard of the group is a halfling necromancer who unsubtly "alludes" (read: announces) that he's a prolific necrophiliac
>says he's LN on his sheet
>has told an angry paladin npc with a hardon for justice that he likes to fuck corpses right to his face
>made the party fight the paladin to save his sorry ass
>he constantly tries to cast AoEs though other players, damaging them instead of the mobs and yelling "you should've ducked!"
>character is usually pretty insulting to the others too and has tried to flee a fight and leave them to die before
Idk if he thinks it's funny or what. I try to stay impartial as a DM but I really don't know why the rest of the party hasn't murdered him yet.

It's nice when it works but it should never have to come to that. Now I can deal since we do seem to be filtering ever closer to something decent- plus when he's not mashing my autism response with his volume the man IS trying. He's giving enough characters voices and attempting to stay in character.

As far as filling people in. Sure that's fine- just not between frigging turns because you roll for damage then go back to youtube. Or outright ignore rp sections.

I just want to go back. I want to wrap this vampire nonsense up ASAP and pit our so-called "evil" party against the good one. With two sorcerers and a barbarian, so we can kill off the evil ones and I can get back to trying to roleplay team dad meets Logan ninefingers

>One guy always plays characters that are perfect and amazing and never fails shit in any way and is superhuman in all things and has character knowledge that is fucking retarded; one character is a Changeling Rogue that does everything with supernatural grace and beauty and finesse and the other is a cleric that's a shard of a god and has in-character knowledge of every setting and every plane and every divine whatever the fuck and acts superior to everyone and everything all the time
>Current DM is late to his own sessions, to the point where I just fucking sleep in and check voice chat on my phone periodically to see if he's online yet
>Party will then discuss mundane bullshit until we're an hour and fifteen minutes past the start time and I have to say something to finally get us started on a campaign I no longer care about because it's just back to back modules with little to no roleplaying, the DM resolving his own PC's fucking chain lightning for fifteen minutes every god damn encounter, and throwing random stupid features onto the monsters to make them more challenging for our party except it's NOT challenging it's just tedious because putting a monster with an Aura 2 that weakens against a majority melee party ISN'T FUN IT JUST BLOATS HIS FUCKING HIT POINTS

I just want to go back to our original DM and our original game and play my fucking nerdy wizard who's in way over his head, not all this horseshit but if I drop the game I might not get to. I'm so fucking tired.

One of my players takes FOREVER to make decisions. I've tried putting timers on movement and actions- he just gets overwhelmed and then loses track of what's happening.

The guy is an amazing RPer and loves the game, but it KILLS me. I'd love any suggestions on how to work around this. And yes, I've told him a hundred times to think about what to do before it's his turn.

We have one player that's annoying, and a little problematic in his approach to the game.

Obsessed with roleplay... over minutia. You bet your frilly dress that he'll spend TWO HOURS equipping the party, making sure everything is right.

But the instant someone interacts with him, he shuts down. Acts terrified of offending any NPC, so he gets the barest information he can, and then tries to squirrel off to do the thing.

I'm kind of in the same boat except he takes god damn forever to fucking say anything. We roleplay in chat and holy shit this guy takes like ten, fifteen minutes to type out literally anything while we're all sitting back and doing nothing.

This definitely isn't anything new or unique to me but I got this one player who is constantly on their phone the entire fucking game. He'll get off when we ask but then in like five minutes he's back on.

I remember you from another time. Your dude needs a talk from a middle-aged genasi with anger issues and regrets

This right here is why I'm willing to drop the Notion of rping as a woman, text has issues and I am not the best for speed

As an actual necrophile this screams "magical realm" to me, not comedy. Either way, as a DM I'd a least slap chaotic evil on the player's sheet if the other players haven't asked him to stop being a twat.

Literal autism

Bitcoins have now become a thing normalfags know about, so they started putting tens of thousands of dollars into buying dozens of graphics cards for bitcoin mining, hoping to get rich quick and often just losing a ton of money

>Showing up an hour late
>hogging the spot light when it is someone's background story quest
>Showing up drunk
>only making characters who are drunks so he can show up drunk to be "perfectly in character"
>missing months worth of games for no reason
worst of all this is all one guy.

Oh man I love it when my players have conflict with each other. Mostly because while they're bickering I get a few seconds to plan out what happens next.

>as an actual necrophile
user, do you need help?

Does he look like he needs it? From the rest of the response he sounds pretty functional.

yes, but you can't treat paraphilias. You can try- boy have I tried- but it does a lot of harm and no good.

I have my vivid descriptions of every NPC and player death, necromancers and undead. But even I know better than to shoehorn necrophilia into a game.

If you aren't playing then there is no campaign. Kick and play, or at least find an excuse for their character to be captured, missing, w/e so that if the person gets their shit together/actually cares they will have something to come back to.

do stiffs give you stiffies?

I like to crack open a cold one occasionally.

Kek, you got me

making ugly monster girls

Is the key word for that "ugly" or "monster girls", because both are acceptable reasons.

I do this a lot, idle hands kill me especially when there's something I can fiddle with. especially during 40k I'm so bad taking my friends dice while watching their games lol

You don't even need to kick him, just play the game as normal. Have another player control his character or just say he isn't there for some reason, how is that a worse option than just not playing at all?

>>One guy always plays characters that are perfect and amazing and never fails shit in any way and is superhuman in all things and has character knowledge that is fucking retarded; one character is a Changeling Rogue that does everything with supernatural grace and beauty and finesse and the other is a cleric that's a shard of a god and has
Yeah fuck those guys for wanting to play something fantastic in a fantasy game instead of shit-covered dirt farmers.

Play a different game if the one guy can't show up.

I had assumed it meant one of us was having a stroke

>Makes the same character personality over and over again.
>Unheroic, slovenly and acts like a spoiled child [This is IC]
>tries to make furries in settings with no such option.
>Usually fat or slovenly
>Attempts to sleep with everyone they can.
>Still a really good roleplayer

A group I play with is about 50/50 comprised of smokers. At first we had an issue with the game getting horribly broken up because people were jonesing, but after a few sessions we put down a 'smoke break after 2 hours' rule and everyone has been doing well with it since.

If it's a GAN then you really should train it more.

This works in my experience.

Also, get them to try a vaporizer using nicotine juice. As an ex-smoker, I can tell you now I spend one tenth the money on it as I did on cigarettes (literally), it leaves no smell if you don't mix it, I can use it for about 5 seconds and be fine 2-5 minutes.

>I hooked myself on nicotine so now I can't go few hours without sucking a dick replacement
>I believe it is actually quite handy

I'm giving advice to people who are hooked on nicotine, on how to spend less, not stink like tar 24/7, and remove most of the inconveniences it causes.

But hey, nothing like mocking people trying to help others out, at least it lets you feel smugly superior. If thats what your self esteem depends on though, I'm glad I could help

Pretty good comeback desu, sorry for being a dick just for the sake of it.

its cool mate, its the internet, not as if its the first time

One of my players thinks that any time he has some sort of suspicion that something is important, that it will be, and that he will be rewarded for it, and that everyone is retarded for thinking that's stupid.
Example.
>land at planet
>describe that the spaceport is a bustling urban center in a valley by a river, and that there are mountains nearby.
>player becomes convinced that the mountains are important merely because they're mentioned
>convinces the crew to go fly around the mountains because he think's they're important
>does scans and tries to find a place to land after a cave is detected because of course there are going to be caves in mountains
>spends an hour spelunking and finding jack shit because I wanted to add a little bit of flavor text to the environment rather than railroading everyone and only describing only where they were going and nothing else
It's the most annoying thing ever. I want my world to seem big and alive but I'm afraid I'll have to put blinders on it just so we dont waste an entire session doing pointless shit because I'm not going to tell them they CANT go explore, but whenever this player explores its always the most mundane shit.
Doesn't help that the few times his assinine hunches have turned out correct have made his ego bigger than fuck.

one of my players pee's in empty soda bottles under the table instead of using the restroom. the one time we had a female player he did nothing but hit on her in character and when we told him to stop he tried to rape her. the character, i mean.. she didnt come back and i lost her as a friend because she said i was a pervert with a creepy rape game.

>leave the table during the adventure they specifically asked for to play video games upstairs
>talk about their chatacters more than they actually rp them.
>get mad when enemies are frustrating or difficult
>constant ruleslaywering (I blame pathfinder)
>constant off topic conversation and even showing off memes
>laptops at the table
>phones at the table
>am normally soft spoken and don't want to shout to fuck the friendly atmosphere but I almost have to
>player who flips out and smashed shit literally every fourth session (at least it's not my house)
>start to get asshurt if the game becomes any sort of challenge.
>have read the Three Clue Rule article and will outright bring it up DURING games when trying to figure something out
>cannot seem to stop rolling dice into the middle of the battle at and disrupting miniatures
I'm finally done GMing. Last weekend was my last session for a few months, now one of them will be GMing for a while. Unfortunately every campaign so far that they've GMd has died due to them losing motivation, so let's hope they can get it together because I'm not doing it for a while.

Once played with someone like that and the DM fixed it
>necromancer shaman thing he though would be cool
>rest of us close combat types
>new player joins and he convinces him there's a sign up fee
>constantly shoots through other players often hitting them and not caring
>hordes all loot he can despite some equipment being better suited for other characters
>shows up late every single session
>every sick of him but his character is part of the story
>while waiting for him to show up DM tells us tonight's session is going to get way out of hand but don't worry and just go with it
>session goes as normal with that guy being a selfish edgelord
>his antics end up killing one of us
>while we're yelling (in game) at his character we get ambushed
>we all get slaughtered one by one because we're too pissed off to focus
>he's now finally alone and can get all corner brooding time he wants
>but there's no one there to cover him during combat
>get's the shit kicked out of him
>he's raging out of character and look sincerely afraid his character will die
>right before they cut his head off his spirit guide appears before him
>asks him if he learned his lesson about teamwork
>we're all staring at him
>he begrudgingly says yes and his character wakes up from his spirit journey
>still shows up late consistently but character is no longer an asshole to the rest of the party
Cheesy but it worked

You are a C average DM, you have to MAKE the cave relevant if they are spending that much time investigating it. Even something as simple as “you find an recording in the cave with a clue relevant to the task I ACTUALLY want you to pursue”

in retrospect making her rollplay her character through it may have been a mistake, and having her throw dice to determine risk of pregnancy definitely was.

>hey, i rolled stats at home and have two 18's, and two 17's and used two for one point swapping to have those be 18's as well, its cool though, i have some low stats to balance it out.

this prick kevin does this shit EVERY time. i make a point of not telling anyone what i'm using for stats that game just to make sure his shit never flies. because somehow he always ends up with the same statline. even in other systems he does this shit.

the first time i looked at the sheet and went, "that's pretty good, looks like a strong character,you did this with a d16+2 like everyone else, right?" when he told me that there was no d16 i laughed and asked him to roll new stats at the table, putting a d16 in front of him.

"this is pretty powerful, lucky rolls kev. so, game is 25 point buy."

"wow kevin, this is a crazy statline! so here are the options for stat arrays, pick one and you cant move points between them."

his rage every time is wonderful. as often as i've done this to him its a wonder he still brings these obviously cheated stats. he also lost his shit when i started having my players use dice cups and only roll when i ask, give them the go ahead, or direct them to.

or the time he baked is dice... that was a good time. i asked to see them and knew right away they where baked. put them on the table and smashed them breaking the air bubble in them. handed him a brand new set of dice after, because even if they are a cheater its not cool to break other people's stuff and not replace it.
i will never forget
>what the fuck, you broke my lucky dice
>i broke your cheater dice
>give me a new set, right now!
>okay, thats fair
>yeah you better give them to me!
>heh, just dont use these to cheat to, or i wont invite you back
>fuck you man, you cant play without me
>we have been, for years. we have a weekday game while you're at work.

>every sick of him but his character is part of the story
you know what else is a part of the story? characters dying. sometimes through mysterious means. sometimes with a bullet to the brain on his watch.

>fuck you man, you cant play without me
holy shit if anyone ever said that to me I would immediately boot them from the group and from my house with notice that even attempting to return would be met with trespassing charges.

>baked his dice
Please explain

Not him but if you heat them in an oven or something you can influence the way they roll (higher 20s etc)
>it’s a weekday game when you’re at work

Kekmate

are you a masochist? youve gotta have a good reason for this.

No fuck that, not everything is important just because time is being spent on it.

I've been friends with them for 5 years and work with some of them.

Is this the new copypasta we're force-feeding ourselves?

>actual necrophile
i'll take things that never happened for $500

This story makes no sense

but that's the only way to negate wasting time, othewise you're trusting them not to think about what you're saying and do the most obvious thing at which you point you may as well railroad them

Leave it be user. We've both taken the bait and ensured it'll show up for another month. Teehee is like that one guy in the wow threads who'd post smash mouth jaina. It's an aborted meme nobody concerns themselves with

They are completely incapable of any sort of nuance, especially with interpersonal relationships. The latest example

>Run into this cabal of Thaumaturges.
>Get to know them, find out that a few of their people were exiled about 2 years back to form a separate, much smaller cabal over some ethical disagreements.
>But they live in a fairly wild area, and they still used to have contact pretty regularly
>That stopped about 5 weeks before the PCs showed up, and the leader of the original group is worried about the others, wants to hire the PCs to find out what's going on.

I'm not sure how long it took (other than too long) to explain to these doofuses that just because they were kicked out of the mage association, doesn't mean that there aren't personal friendships between both groups of wizards nor do they suddenly go to "I hate you and everything you stand for".

Works on shitty composite mostly. You heat them up in the oven at like 250 for an hour and the insides melt+sink to the bottom. Place them on the tray with the 20s facing up and the low center of mass makes them roll that side way more often.

Fun fact: opaque chessex dice actually roll 1's really often for this reason. They're just plastic shells that get filled with foam so they sink a bit while cooling.

You can check your dice by saturating a cup of water with salt until dice float in it, then drop one in and tap it a few times to see what side turns up. If they're weighted one face will come up far more often than it should.

>an hour
jesus man no, you'll melt them flat and cause a fire with toxic smoke. i dont go longer than i minute when punishing my bad dice, let alone an hour.

6 seconds is plenty of time to bake them.

I'm the only person in my group that doesn't vape. Every time someone blows out their smoke they do it either directly onto the table over the minis or right above the table at eye height. With four of them, it feels like I'm playing in a fog cloud more often than not.

I know it's not the worst thing especially compared to some of the posts in this thread but my god I didn't come here to bathe in your fruit clouds, don't blow it in my face every 30 seconds.

>Fruit clouds
>Gay fart fetishist

do you by chance work in a morgue?

hypothetically of course

I would "never actually ask" if you did the nasty with the nasties

>As an actual necrophile
Kimochi warui.