Share with us some memorable quotes from your games, Anons

"You killed my dog. You chopped off my arm. You painted my van with your blood. I hate you all."

>Player A: "Huh, so the dragon book thing here says that dragons don't actually have buttholes; they magically metabolize anything they eat perfectly and produce no waste. Neat."
>Player B: "Wait so how do they get pregnant?"
We all had a good chuckle about that, until we realized she was absolutely serious. Then we laughed until we cried.
And then a few months later she was pregnant at 17 from some random guy she fucked while drunk. Life has a wierd sense of humor sometimes.

>Do I get sneak attack damage on the floor?
"What?"
>The floor wasn't expecting it.
>the table bursts into laughter

"So is this the Charlemagne from the past, the Charlemagne from the future, or another robot?"
"Does it matter?"

also

"The mantle of winter has chosen you. You are the one true Claus of Christmas. You now advance as a paladin and have access to the ability Smite Naughty."

"So the aboleth can only be drawn out with an appropriate sacrifice."
"Okay, what do aboleths like?"
"Aboleths are monsters, right? Monsters eat virgins."
"We're not going to find a virgin around here."
"Yeah, I checked."
"What about babies?"
"We're not feeding a baby to an aboleth."
"I'm not saying we feed it to it. We could use it as bait, to draw it out, then safely rescue the orphan when the aboleth gets out of its lair."
"It's an orphan, now?"
"It's always been an orphan. It's never not been an orphan."
"Yeah, you think some lady's gonna let you use her kid as fish food?"
"Fish BAIT. Fish food gets eaten."
"So does bait!"
"Guys, we're getting off track here. Are you with me or not? It's baby or nothing."
"I got an orphan guy!"
"... The kid's gonna be safe?"
"Vin, I promise you on my mother's life: this baby is going to be okay."

Guess what happened.

Guess.

"I has nos heos"

It would take to long to explain.

Everyone died, the end?

>"You certainly seem to be all talk, hm?"
>"Gramps, I am talk itself. When I die, all conversation will cease."

“The parasite lands on your face but due to your environmentally sealed armor, it can’t latch on to you.”
“Oh shit, guys! I can’t get it off!”*scrambles madly not even attempting to rip the creature off*
>“I’ve got an idea!”
*takes a powerful pistol, pulls it in front of his face and pulls the trigger*
>Should I roll damage?

>As my first act as your king, I rename his city to Bung Hole

>"No seriously, let me be the BBEG, we all just had to do a fucking sanity check because she can't play a guitar"

Oh, just remembered another particular favorite of that campaign.

>"Alright, sorry I missed last session everyone. What happened?"
>"Well, you have a clone now."
>"A clone of what?"
>"You. It was the only one we could save from the fire we started."

>Order my buzzard familiar (which is actually a fiend) to lure a manticore to the group's location
"Dude, seriously, don't, that thing is gonna tear me apart, there's plenty better ways"
"I wouldn't care even if there were, now go forth and do my bidding, familiar"
"How would I even lure her there it's not like I can speak maybe we can..."
"Go. Now."
"Fine... Just don't blame me if you have to re-summon me in a few minutes. God, let's hope..."
"You don't have a God."
"... FFFFFUUU"

>party manages to capture bandit henchman
>Won't tell them where they bandit hideout is, there's some urgency
>In a fit of rage, party fighter chops off his hands
>"Tell us everything and we'll get the town healer to reattach them."
>"Please, stop! I'll talk, i'll tell you whatever you need to know!"
>"Start by drawing us a map."
>DM , witheringly: "he stares down at his bloody stumps and sobs."

in a court room accused of lightning bolting 5 peasants to death
"i did not kill those peasants, i can't even conjure lightning, AND I WILL LIGHTNING BOLT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE"

>"I eat the hobo."

>When you spend 10 years alone in the mountains with your horse, you don't learn to sit there and assess the situation. You learn to fuck a horse.

Oh boy, we have a wall for one of our players on a discord channel. All of his famous quotes go up there.....

F: "Nothing hotter then crippled elves seething with resentment for things they can't have"

Context: Pointless grinds; wheelchair only stripclubs

>I can probably do without some of this flesh

Fucking techmarines.

F: "There is no god just two giant spiders fucking upstairs"
Context: Wednesday's as usua

F: "Everyone has some ambient poop on them."

Context: Aristocratic district

>"There is no safe word in racism."

Contextless it is worthless, and we're not going anywhere.

"Yay, we managed to solve a puzzle without cutting off someone's hand!"

The party sorcerer, always looking for new ways to get drunk.

"You manage to find some white berries. They don't look very appetizing."
"I eat the white berries."
"They're quite acidic and bitter. At first, you don't feel anything, but then you see a distant fire that slowly grows and shifts. It seems to dance across your field of vision."
"I hug the fire."
"The fire hugs back."

He woke up the next morning miles from the rest of the party, found a trove of treasure, hid it from everyone, and delayed our caravan by a day as we searched for him.

You are literally cancer.

>journal entry 62 last line
>It’s a damn shame this week has to end already, I feel like were just starting to have fun. The biggest surprise has to be that we didn’t run into any trouble the whole week, now that’s rare!
>journal entry 63 first line in a very long entry
>So we ran into some trouble…

...

"thank you for sticking with me on this incredible journey"

Orcs: what are you doing here?

PCs: uh... we are weapons inspectors...

Roll for bluff: 20
Roll for stupidity on orcs: 2

Orcs: yeah sure... we can show you where they are.

why didn't you protect her anus?

>"I swear to Christ if you make me redo my displacer beast anal circumference calculations I will tear off your pig's bonnet."

>"Death's nothing: you should've seen what the lady he woke up to last night tried to rope him into. Literally."

>*incredibly over the top action spectacle, sorceress blows up small airship flying towards them*
>Sorceress: "OK we're still alive, what's the plan?"
>Rogue: "YOU BLEW UP THE PLAN. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME MAKE INITIAL D NOISES IN PREPARATION FOR THE HIJACK?"

always fun to be involved in insane shit like this.

"Any play that ends in domestic terrorism is a good plan."

"Wait no, what am I doing? I just kill this child."

Warlock
>"I love being a warlock. I'm always at full power."

Wizard
>"So you suck all the time?"

Everyone else
>LOL

Had a group of bards attempting to put on a play for goblins to incite their cultural racism into getting the two groups to break into open conflict so that they could pass through the area uninhibited. They notice that the audience is much larger than they'd thought it would be and the main bard of the two quips with:

"You know what they say, the bigger the audience, the bigger the race war."

>You have fifty rope.
>50 WHAT of rope?
>Fifty rope of rope.

>the group has to take a boat to an island
>i dont have passage and am a criminal
>stow away on the boat, incapacitate a sleeping sailor
>sneak onto the deck at night intent on doing the same to the captain
>tie myself to the rigging, about to sneak along the outside of the boat and enter his quarters through a window
>guard from the city transporting good catches me and asks what im doing
>climbing over the sides, obviously shady looking
>gotta think fast... 'cleaning barnacles off the side?'
> 'at night?'
'Do you know how to drive a boat!?'

I laughed aloud to this one.

We climbed to the top of a mesoamerican-style pyramid on an island that you can not get to unless you already know where it is without knowing where it is

At the top we found an orcish monk meditating
He sees us and says "You should not be here, how did you get here?"

My overly-Australian rogue immediately points back with his thumb and says as if it's immensely obvious "We took the stairs mate"

Got a few.
>Partake? I'm not drinking wine, I'm making a weird life debt with a robot.
>What are you? An orc? No, too skinny. Half orc? No, to beautiful.
>THERE SHALL BE NO LOLI TENTICALING IN THIS GAME MY GOOD SIR.

>we need to find weird Al, he's the only one who can stop the ascension.

Fuck, I don't know why that one got to me.

>"You just hung an innocent horse who has no idea what he's doing here."
"I didn't intend that to happen."

“I just wanted to dance...”
“Not you, silly. I was talking to the nice man bleeding out on the floor.”
“This plan has a 33% success rate. That means one of us might live! Kinda hope it isn’t me at this point.”
“So do you have one dick or two?”
This character has been pretty fun so far.

>"What are you doing?!?!"
>"Making fire elementals."
>"Lighting people on fire doesn't make them fire elementals!"
>"Sure it does! Look at em go!"

>"We're going to need a LOT of fire...."
>"How much fire?"
>"About 50 midgets worth should do it."

>okay, so fae take things really literally and this is their territory, so watch your words. And absolutely NO SARCASM.
>. . . Captain, I will literally die.

>He sees us and says "You should not be here, how did you get here?"

>My overly-Australian rogue immediately points back with his thumb and says as if it's immensely obvious "We took the stairs mate"

Okay, this made me laugh.

That's pretty good comedic timing, well done.

>Player1's character got dragged underwater by a crocodile fish thing.
>Another character is creating spears and chucking them at the water in hopes of hitting the thing, mine is casting disease magic at the river with the same intention but decided to just start rotting everything in the name of his foul god.
>One of the spears floats downstream to my character
>character sees it, he was so engrossed in rotting shit that he didn't see the other char creating spears.
>idea.jpg
>"A HOLY WEAPON! TRULY MY GOD HAS BLESSED ME FOR MY PIOUS ACTIONS!"

>you fly the black dragon charlie murphy into the sunset.
>I didn't know that Avandra was a horse or that they had laser eyes

first campaign I was ever in and it still brings back good memories

I need TPK for my Bung Hole

PC1: "Patricia blew it, Jason's got his dick out, there's a DOG here,"
PC2: "But can you see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?"
GM: "muttering "...Huge amounts of cocaine..."

Underrated post

How did your Rogue make eurobeat noises?

>So you're telling me that after we tracked down this grove, fought a demon, and convinced the druid to reincarnate him, this motherfucker proceeds to walk into a trap that immediately killed him? Why did we even bother with this asshole?

"Oh, that's right! I made a new species."

"The multiverse is clearly not to be trusted."

"I don't think our therapy ape would approve of this behavior."

"Honestly, people are paying more attention to the walking boulder next to you."
"Yes, but at least she's not farting ectoplasm."
"Priorities, man."

"Your telepathy is dripping and tied up downstairs."

"I don't really need monkey pants. Does anyone need monkey pants?"

"You realize you're digging us into a MASSIVE hole here?"
"Well, our house of cards needed a basement, okay?!"

>"The multiverse is clearly not to be trusted."

Introducing characters in an Exodus campaign

"Wait, how are we even gonna fund this?"
"I cook crack"

"Is summoning prostitutes considered a free action?"

>What do you mean I can’t bring my kobold sex slaves to fight with me in the army?

"I kneel over and hug my Dog, there is no roll."
>DM makes him roll anyway and he gets a NAT20

>Not gonna lie, I got REALLY in character for my guy and I didn't read any of the rules except the ones for hard drugs.
>Also if I fall asleep and you can't find a pulse, call an ambulance.

>playing Werewolf the Apocalypse
>playing edgy fuckboi named Heralds-Mother's-Wrath
>first session as a pack and one of our teammates is getting fucked up since he stayed in human form
>an enemy i'm fighting starts to run away and edgy is about to give chase
>get told to wait and help our ally instead, but my character's focus is elsewhere so they'd need to tell me IC
>"Just call out to Heralds for help."
>dead silence
>"...Jesus Christ user."
>remember his character has the mute flaw

"Call out to Heralds for help" and variations of it are now a running in-joke amongst the group. I'll never not find it funny.

>playing a game where all the PCs are acedemics exploring ruins
>getting a little extra funding for clearing outlaws out of said ruins

>bandits lock themselves into a room
>Destruction Sphere Incanter blows open the door to them cowering
>"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" bandit leader demands
>"We're scholar!"
>Maximized fire blast to the face

>Ok everyone shut up I'm trying to think!
>Wait, you have an idea?!
>No I'm trying to remember if dragons have a cloaca or not, I need to figure out if the Australian accent will be appropriate or not! Also it might lead to a plan that you all will hate......
>Wait....... You're not gonna......
>You bet those sweet tits I am or I'll get eaten, either way it'll be less painful then what you chumps will have to deal with.

>Yeah, I checked.

>"I spent all my luck dice on the strip-tease."

The life of a charisma-rogue.

"You know, going into this I never thought I'd end up being a fairy made entirely of nanomachines."

>the table bursts into laughter

Yeah user he sounds like a real unlikable guy

"The AI's giant holographic projection assumes the form of a giant scrotum and floats towards you to experience this intriguing cultural exchange."

>PC1: "What does the kid tell me?"
>DM: "He's still just sobbing that he doesn't know anything."
>PC1: "I hit him one more time and ask again. 15 nonlethal."
>DM: "Well he's dead now. He also didn't know anything."
>PC2: "I can't believe beating up an orphan didn't work. AGAIN."

Awwww...

He was playing a 6INT Orc and his dog was a baby Owlbear that he named "Dog" that campaign died but damn it was fun

That kid was a real pain in the butt.

By snorting oil, obviously.

F: "This is your adventure, you can do whatever you like, but I'd recommend not fighting that knife monkey."

Context: DM Bob Ross

>Shadowrun
>finding a big exosuit
>two gals wanted to screw
>INSIDE exosuit
"We want to be INSIDE the sex toy for once, and not have it inside us".

F: "oh hell no, you never go into tiny open doors. If the doors tiny and it's open stay out."

Context: sex slaves.

"Come out of that hole and fight me, you little bitch"
-11th level wizard to an Elder Brain

>Playing a giant smelly savage gnoll
>Party discussing revenge plots and the topic somehow works around to brothels
>Innocent character doesn't know what a brothel is
>Cleric doesn't want to tell them, rest of party attempting to explain, gnoll chimes in
>"Wait, how does (the gnoll) know what a brothel is?"
>"Did work at brothel-place."
>Dead silence
>"Was bouncer. Very good bouncer. Sometime, they bounce five, six time."

>Sometimes, they bounce five, six times
i laffed

>I guess I scoop the brain back into the skull? I tie the skull up with some string and stuff to stop it falling out again.

>What happened to me?
>Your brain got eaten. Bringing you back was disgusting, and expensive.

>Half orc: So then, why are 'er here?
>Player A: We were sent in to deal with pests, sir.
>Player B: yes, and now we have done, we'll be taking our leave
>Half orc: Understandable, well might as well take ya names.
>Player A: I am Jesus the wizard!
>Player B: And I am Lister of smeg!
>Half orc: Well then Jesus and Lister, you can take your leave. (funny names though.)
>Random guardsman: sir... our lord didn't hire any pest control...
>Players A and B (out of character): ...Fuck.

>Magus player has weird gnome name despite being human.
>Adoptive mother was a gnome.
>I play kinda dumb and piss-taking bard.
>We contrast and are occaisionally conflicting personalities but have become closer as campaign goes on.
>Anyway we eventually end up going through a magical registry system for the mega-magic city of wizards.
>detects your real name.
>Turns out his original name is fecking Richard.
>Me: Doing alright Dick?

Everyone but him laughed. He smiled after a bit.

After the vaguely Oriental caster summoned tentacles to grapple enemies: "I've seen enough ukiyo-e to know where this is going."

>So we’ve killer the wall,the floor and the darkness. All we need is the roof and we could have murdered a house.

>I'm the most trust worthy, I'm almost naked!

PC1: "Does nobody have any moral qualms about this???"

PC2: "...I have noodles and mud in my pockets."

>nonlethal
>he's dead
Wut?

In quite a few systems you still die if you take too much nonlethal damage.

Was Lister of Smeg a knight? Did he happen to win any tournaments under suspicious cuircumstances and then disappear with a princess leaving only her chastity belt behind?