So I recently stumbled across (a particular translation of) The Testament of Solomon, and damn is there some gold in there. It's a pretty famous account of King Solomon binding and interrogating a bunch of demons, so most of it is wanking off about how awesome God is and vaguely described demons admitting that they drive people to adultery. But then you get shit like this:
>18. And I Solomon questioned her about her birth, and she replied: "I was born of a voice untimely, the so-called echo of a man's ordure20 dropped in a wood."21 >[D: I was generated from an unexpected voice which is called a voice of the echo of a black (lead?) heaven, emitted in matter. (meaning uncertain)] So uh, depending on who's doing the translating you've got a demon who was born from "the echo of a lead heaven, emitted in matter." That is some Event Horizon tier shit right there.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say the uncertainty around translations is one of the more interesting parts. At one point Beelzeboul, King of the Demons, says either: >I destroy kings. >I bring destruction by means of tyrants. So is the work of The Devil bringing down noble kings or setting up assholes to ruin the land? Oops, accounts differ! Better have a civil war between two factions reading and believing the exact same account!
He also gives us another weird mixup: >29. I said to him: "Tell me by what angel thou art frustrated." And he answered: "By the holy and precious name of the Almighty God, called by the Hebrews by a row of numbers, of which the sum is 644, and among the Greeks it is Emmanuel1. And if one of the Romans adjure me by the great name of the power Eleéth, I disappear at once." >1. The text must be faulty, for the word Emmanuel is the Hebrew. The sum 644 is got by adding together the Greek numbers. So is this some mystical bullshit? Can demons tell only lies? Are we reading a subtly heretical mirror-text?
What other ancient, ideally vague bullshit do you guys find interesting?
>Now I am the so-called winged dragon1, and I chamber2 not with many women, but only with a few that are of fair shape, which possess the name of xuli3, of this star. And I pair with them in the guise of a spirit winged in form, coitum habens per nates4. And she on whom I have leapt goes heavy with child, and that which is born of her becomes eros. But since such offspring cannot be carried by men, the woman in question breaks wind. Such is my role. Oh, and there's a demon whose sole job is to impregnate hot chicks. Just thought you'd wanna know.
Isaac Reed
moar plox
Matthew Long
Some of the demons are just weird: >71. And he said: "My dwelling is in fruitful places, but my procedure is this. I seat myself beside the men who pass along among the tombs, and in untimely season I assume the form of the dead; and if I catch any one, I at once destroy him with my sword. But if I cannot destroy him, I cause him to be possessed with a demon, and to devour his own flesh, and the hair to fall off his chin." So he hides as a corpse, jumps up to kill people with his sword, and if he can't kill them with his sword possesses them with a demon that makes them eat themselves. Uh... okay? Not sure how that brings about the destruction of mankind through sin, but I guess it's bad.
One of the demons is a thirty-six headed gaggle of spirits, which is weird. What is also weird is that the methods to banish them vary kind of a lot: >79. And the eight said: "I am called Belbel. I distort the hearts and minds of men. If I hear the words, 'Araêl, imprison Belbel,' I at once retreat." >82. The eleventh said: "I am called Katanikotaêl. I create strife [36] and wrongs in men's homes, and send on them hard temper. If any one would be at peace in his home, let him write on seven leaves of laurel the name of the angel that frustrates me, along with these names: Iae, Ieô, sons of Sabaôth, in the name of the great God let him shut up Katanikotaêl. Then let him wash the laurel-leaves in water, and sprinkle his house with the water, from within to the outside. And at once I retreat." So one you can be rid of just by telling his nemesis angel to deal with him out loud, while the other requires this whole ritual with laurel leaves passing their magic into holy water which you then apply from inside to outside.
Robert Myers
A few of the thirty-six also reference Solomon specifically in their banes, which I find deliciously suspicious. Look at this: >86. The fifteenth said: "I am called Roêlêd. I cause cold and frost and pain in the stomach. Let me only hear the words: 'Iax, bide not, be not warmed, for Solomon is fairer than eleven fathers,' I at [once] retreat." "Oh yeah bro to banish me just jack off to how awesome King Solomon is, I'm not a demon of pride playing you hard or anything I'm just older than time but foiled by your name specifically, that's totally how it works."
>88. The seventeenth said: "I am called Ieropaêl. On the stomach of men I sit, and cause convulsions in the bath and in the road; and wherever I be found, or find a man, I throw him down. But if any one will say to the afflicted into their ear these names, three times over, into the right ear: 'Iudarizê, Sabunê, Denôê,' I at once retreat." This one's noteworthy just because you need a buddy to do it for you. Most of the others are banished by some variant of "[AngelName], wreck [DemonName]'s shit" spoken aloud, writing the name of their nemesis angel on a piece of paper and wearing it somewhere (around the neck, over the loins, across the temples), or a slightly more elaborate ritual involving the above. I think this is the only one you absolutely need someone else to perform for you, however.
>90. The nineteenth said: "I am called Naôth, and I take my seat on the knees of men. If any one write on paper: 'Phnunoboêol, depart Nathath, and touch thou not the neck,' I at once retreat." This dude's notable because he never actually tells us what he does or why that's bad. The banishment phrase suggests he's eyeing your neck funny, but otherwise I dunno why we'd care.
Jace Hill
This is pretty good user. You got a source for this particular translation?
Jaxon Garcia
I don’t know if this is a myth or someone’s canon, but I grew up hearing after the exodus, God placed an angel with a flaming sword to guard the garden if Eden.
I like to imagine Angels feathers are hard as steel, and fallen angels have black wings because they literally fell from heaven and burned up on reentry.
In Dante’s inferno, the Greek gods are real, and have all been imprusoned and are in hell. Also the angels who refused to pick a side in the war in heaven are condemned to forever chase a blank banner in the waiting room of hell, which is both awesome and extremely dickish.
And artifacts like the one true cross and spear of destiny are cool.
Nolan Perry
>This dude's notable because he never actually tells us what he does or why that's bad. The banishment phrase suggests he's eyeing your neck funny, but otherwise I dunno why we'd care.
I mean I guess it's kind of creepy to have an ancient demon sitting on you're lap when you don't want him too. Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds like a cat if you leave the neck fetish thing out.
Austin Allen
>91. The twentieth said: "I am called Marderô. I send on men incurable fever. If any one write on the leaf of a book: 'Sphênêr, Rafael, retire, drag me not about, flay me not,' and tie it round his neck, I at once retreat." This one's not really unusual, I was just amused by "don't flay me bro" being in the prayer. I am also too illiterate on too many topics to know why he seems to be talking to Sphênêr and Rafael when addressing a demon named Marderô.
Speaking of weirdos, near the end the Arabs offer to swear fealty to Solomon if he can defeat a wind-spirit that keeps appearing and scouring the area of life. Now, suspicions about a demon-controlling king gaining more territory through unprovoked demon attacks aside, the results are kind of interesting: >And when [43] I entered the Temple, the flask stood up and walked around some seven steps and then fell on its mouth and did homage to me. And I marvelled that even along with the bottle the demon still had power and could walk about; and I commanded it to stand up. And the flask stood up, and stood on its feet all blown out. Imagine pic related but you really, really don't want to break that bottle.
Also of interest: >124. And Ephippas led the demon of the Red Sea with the column. And they both took the column and raised it aloft from the earth. And I outwitted these two spirits, so that they could not shake the entire earth in a moment of time. And then I sealed round with my [44] ring on this side and that, and said: "Watch." And the spirits have remained upholding it until this day, for proof of the wisdom vouchsafed to me. And there the pillar was hanging of enormous size, in mid air, supported by the winds. And thus the spirits appeared underneath, like air, supporting it. And if one looks fixedly, the pillar is a little oblique, being supported by the spirits; and it is so to day. He stuffs that one and another one under a pillar as a sign of godly might, High Fane of Vivec style.
