>be imperial guard
>be training in the base with my small squad of 2 million men
>after 2 weeks of playing tag and hot potato we finally get our equipment
>flak armor and a bitchin' laser gun
>fuckyeah.jpeg
>next day get woken up at like 4am by general dickface
>he orders us to regroup with a bunch of other guys near the landing pods
>apparently we're getting sent to a campaign
>we're fighting some robots or someshit, like the general is giving a fuck about briefings
>we get in our dropships and lift off
>Everybody is sleeping, as we got basically torn from our sleep
>I never seen a lasgun in action so i'm excited af
>start fidgeting with my lasgun
>pull the trigger by accident
>shot some guy in the face, he just scratched his nose, didin't even wake up
>whatthefuck.png
>land on some shitty snow planet
>upon arrival the commissar that's supposed to babysit us gives us some more details
>he says we're fighting some ancient, green terminators that want to eradicate humanity
>lolwhat
>he then pulls out his gun and shoots a random guy in the face
>eh, whatever he was a fag anyway, always cheating in hide and seek during advanced combat training
>commissar continues his spiel about DYING IN THE NAME OF THA EMPRAH and DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
>whatews, i'm just waiting to meet those necrofags, see what all the fuss is about
Be imperial guard
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Waiting for more.
Just combine the BEEMZ
>pull the trigger by accident
>shot some guy in the face, he just scratched his nose, didin't even wake up
THE SAFETY. IS. ON. YOU. DENSE. FUCK.
At normal power a full fledged lasgun blows unprotected limbs clean off. To prevent morons fiddling with their Lasgun angering it's machine spirit into an accidental discharge, we've included a safety switch on all lasgun models. Until such time it is armed with the incantation 'Awaken oh Spirit, for enemies of mankind await' and the proper setting of the switch into an armed position, your Lasgun's machine spirit slumbers.
See also:
>he then pulls out his gun and shoots a random guy in the face
Ask either him or your regimental enginseer for instructions.
Goddamnit you faggots are the reason I have Combat Servitors as bodyguards. Lobotomy seems to raise the average Guardsman IQ by 10.
>be necrofag
>hanging around tombworld, taking a quick 5,000 year nap.
>asshole tomb lord wakes me up
>tootiredforthisshit.jpeg
>Those weird ass fleshy fucks are back
>just wonderful
>get up and start killing, they die easily
> I do too, but I get back up again.
> love the look on their face when I do that. Priceless.
>The fleshy fucks have those weird flashlights
>hate those things.
>Not because they hurt (they dont) but because the flesh fetishist flayed ones get REALLY talkitive
>"oh its so bad for my skin", "really dries out my skin", "oh look heres some more skin"
>I don't care about your damn skin Steve.
>Oh wonderful, they have one of those weird red ones.
>someone told me about them
>apparently, they're the fleshy fucks' versions of the flayed ones
>They get reeaally into the whole metal thing
>Try and stay away from them
>They always look at me really creepily, like I'm some sort of sex toy.
I always just turned the safety switch.
Never needed to chant something.
Is that tech heresy?
>Be Commissar
>Have to baby sit some newfag Guardsmens and brief them on what the fuck Necron fags are because the Noble leading their regiment was high on some warp dust
>I swear to the Emperor that one of these newfag Guardsmen asked "Why don't we just try to hack them for Imperial use"
>Fuckingnewfags.voxcast
>Ended up shooting him for heretical thinking
>Later realize during the battle that the Regimental leader neglected to teach these new fags that their fucking las guns have power settings meaning they attempted to shoot what are essentially flash lights on the lowest possible settings
>Ended up having to execute 1/8th of these newfags for attempting to flee while teaching the others how got get their flashlight to a higher setting
>The battle was so one sided the Necronlord fag let us retreat due how amusing and sad it was for him
>Fuck.heresy
>Only positive outcome of this whole battle was that it gave me an excuse to BLAM the Noble regimental leader for incompetence
>Got to be the leader of a newfag Guardsmen army.
By the omnisiah yes, report to your nearest Techpriest for servitoriztion.
That's cool, i always wanted to be 10 IQ points smarter.
Thanks doc
>be ordo xenos inquisitor
>find evidence of necron tomb complex on an outlier world
>should probably handle it but the local system gov is throwing a ball and his niece is pretty hot
>browbeat general fuckface into action and sic him on it
Man I hope he doesn't fuck this up. That dickhead Inquisitor Carolus will never let me hear the end of it if I have to requisition another Stormtrooper regiment.