Be imperial guard

6kW industrial lasers can cut through 10 mm of steel at a rate of 1cm/s and they are allegedly only 15% efficient and run on a continuous beam. Calculations from what it does in fluff put its "normal" damage to be roughly equal to 6kg of ANFO based on turning a metal to liquid, killing a large fish through several meters of water, and turning an ork into mist.
Quote from: Codex: Imperial Guard, 4th edition, p. 16 ---Standard short pattern lasgun. This weapon was manufactured on Kantrael and, like all similar variants, operates in the nineteen megathule range and can therefore utilise any Departmento Munitorum sanctioned power packs.
A lasgun power pack is said to be good for around 40 shots (p. 61 3rd ed. rulebook), which would make an average shot around 0.475 mJ, or around 475,000 joules per shot (charged (See Hellgun and Hot-shot Lasgun) eats up about 10 shots, so about 1.9 mJ or 1,900,000 joules per shot).

This user has all rights to be rump rustled.

>Be Catachan
>Get sent to a "Death World" thats been taking the Cadian boys months to clear out
>Our debrief says the plant itself has been giving the guard more problems than the heretics
>read the planet report
>Me and the boys are amazed this planet is even considered a Death World
>showmeurwarface.png
>After Valkyrie lands me and boys go into the jungle ASAP
>The planet itself was a like a kindergarten compared to what me and boys are used too
>We find the main heretic camp in a day and destroy it
>This little incursion turned out to be the best weekends out company ever had

I am seriously tired of Segmentus Command sending Non-Catachan regiments to jungle death worlds. Do not get me started on the time we got sent to a frakken ice planet.

>Be system Governor
>Receive intel from some Inquisitor that some Necronfags are in the system
>"Hey Governor user, why don't you allow me and the Inquisition to deal with this problem"
>Start realizing this could mean potential exterminatus
>"Don't worry about that Inquisitor user, just let me get the local regiment and have them deal with it"
>Inquisitor seems hesitant though he agrees after I get my whore of a daughter to seduce him
>Have son train regiment of some peasantfags we were able to get after Inquisitor browbeat a general
>Thing go fucking horribly wrong when the campaign starts
>mfw my son was BLAM'd for incompetence and entire regiment goes under the command of a commissar
>mfw commissar requests Inqusitorial stormtroopers to deal with the mess

What do I do peasantfags, the Inquisition is going to be on my ass for this.

How the fuck do you get such much energy out of a campfire?
Does the IG cook with industrial blast furnaces?

Don't worry, after I get the servitor lobotomy I should be smart enough to help you out

Claim the regiment had things well in hand on their own, have the commissar killed for wasting the Emperor's resources because of a lack of faith, throw the Guard regiment at the easiest targets possible to make a show of getting some wins so you look like you were right all along and then use the stormtroopers to actually solve the problem once they arrive.

Is this your first week or something?

>govenor's ball went great
>planetary assault did not go so great
>ordered a few disapperances
>sent a letter of condolance to the govenor for his son
>pinned the whole thing on those admech pervs
>NEVER trust those freaks around the crons

>Inquisior Carolus just sent me an astropathis message
>probably gloating, the fuck

Doesn't matter, had sex.

>Be Commissar
>Get contacted by some other rando Inquisitor stating the guy who let the assault happens is planning on making me disappear
>Fuckingheretics.warp
>Have one of the magos due some science fuckery to get one of the newfags to look like me for decoy purposes
>Have to hide with a few arch magos when the Governor sends his assassins
> Get contacted by same Inquisitor who contacted me gave me some dirt on the Governor, best detail being he used seduction to get the assault approved
>Contact some lady I knew back in Schola Progenium with this seduction info and tell her the Governor is a Slaaneshi heretic.
>A few weeks later, multiple Sisters enter into the system and start a crusade
>Was able to get my name cleared as I watched the sector be doused in cleansing fire

Also to the Inquisitor who approved of this, I hope you get assigned to a world attacked by Nids.

>be servo skull
>*whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* *kachak*

lol

>be Sororitas
>Canoness of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>don't get a fifth of the budget those bottle blonde Martyred Lady sluts do
>spend three years of your life fighting Orks over some bumfuck system
>bionic eye now because why wear a helmet when your hair is fucking fabulous but the Emperor's protection decided to take a day off
>looking forward to going back to the shrine world
>get diverted because another local Governor has gone heretic and "it was on the way"
>fucking fine
>it's Slaanesh too, you just know they're gonna be the rapey ones
>break out the flamers
>hopefully this doesn't take long

>be slanneshi heretic
>suddenly the governor is a heretic now too
>call bullshit he never comes to the cokeorgy like everyone else
>start vote to kick him out
>everyone agrees
>next day sororitas show up and start torching people
>we didn't even do anything for once it isn't our fault something bad happened
>get roasted by some jeannu bimbo while balls deep in a shredder
>turns out this was all tzeentechs fault
>fucking prick

Do you not?

Maybe if you Catachan meat heads could learn to adapt you can handle multiple environments

>be Tzeentch
>way behind on schemes this century
>keep making great intricate plans to bring down whole planets or Space Marine chapters over the course of hundreds of years
>they just end up getting eaten by Tyranids instead
>know the other Chaos Gods are talking shit behind my back
>notice Imperium world getting Necron'd
>they could probably deal with it but their leaders keep fucking each other over for no reason
>those preachy Emperor ladies show up and start burning Slaaneshi cultists
>lol perfect
>send message to Slaanesh
>"destabilized a world and got to blame your dudes for it, just as planned bitch"
>mfw I didn't even do anything

>Be the Governors Whore of a Daugther
>Shit Daddy wakes me up by setting the Room Lights on max and yelling where I have been
>Partyin all Night, High on Lhosticks, Amasec and some weird shit this High-Administrator Geek brought
>Headexploding.exe
>Wake up with this Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop I laid last night.
>He looks like he is starting to cry, turns red and bumbles some stuff about him using the Emperors Protection and Shit, while my Father yells at me and competely ignores him.
>Apparently some shit happened in the North, now Daddy wants me to bring some of this Inquistion Creeps to agree to his Plans.
>WhathappenswiththeInquistionstaysintheInquistion.gif
>Get home, Bishop Boy sent me a ton of flowers and shit
>Daddy is sniffing his "special medicine" agian
>Some of this Commisariat Asshats shot my brother, some Robots are fighting his forces and some of the Bolter Bitches are here because someone told them about our the orgies we hosted in our palace

>Be Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Went to tend to the flock last night, keeping an eye out for heresy.
>While watching for demons, I found an angel
>It was love at first sight for both of us
>So caught up in the moment basically fainted into my arms
>As I held her, she said the world was spinning
>So overwhelmed by emotion she cried out to the emperor for guidance, saying she had no idea what was going on.
>As she was obviously hysterical with emotion, decided to take her home.
>Though I had the best intentions, she pulled me into the bed with her.
>We made tender love, and it was more than I ever could have imagined.
>She introduced me to her father in the morning.
>Had to leave but sent flowers
>Can't wait to see my angel again, I can already imagine our future together.
>May have to make some changes concerning my career trajectory, but I'm sure my future father-in-law can help

>Be Eldarfag
>Get woke by a dream about humanfags waking some robots
>"Well shit"
>Get 20 other elderfags in kinky armor and high tail it to the planet
>Farseer tells me that "Bitches be woke"
>Humanfags blowing shit up all around
>Chaos getting burnt
>Robots popping out of the ground
>My face when I turn to the farseer and tell her "I think we got this."

It would be my great honor to post the 'Best thread on Veeky Forums right now' pic.

IF I HAD IT.

I gotchu senpai

>Be Sementus Command
>Get really really high on love for the Emprah
>Nudge my friend Steve with my elbow
>"Hey, check this shit out"
>Send the Catachan to some backwater ice planet with no supplies, instructions, or assistance
>Steve high-fives me
>Feel the emperor smiling upon me
>Qt Inquisitor laughs at my practical joke
>FeelsGoodMan.jpeg

Freaking LOVE being a Segmentus Command, lads. Catachan idiots didn't even know what hit them haha.

Someone please cap this gold

>be Navy captain responsible for the transporation of this shit show
>unload like a gorillion weenie puff jr. guardsmen
>thank the Emprah they're off my fucking ship they're ruining everything
>watch on the voxcaster from the wardroom as they get eaten by those green robots
>nobody asks for orbital bombardment, nobody gets orbital bombardment
>Sensorium reports warp ping, auspexes identify an Imperial gellar field
>watch as those insufferable cunts cruise past
>fucking lmao somebody's getting purged
>zoom in as the governor's palace is razed to the ground
>man being in the navy sure is great.

bump for potential

>be farseer
>mon'keigh interlopers are squatting on a necrontyr tomb world
>spend 3 centuries cooking up a plan to trick the nearby ork empire into invading the tomb world, waking the necrons and wiping as many of the other out as possible
>this'll show those Ulthwe bimbos who's the real master of keikaku
>after 298 years of artfully tricking the orks into moving closer and closer, turn my attention elsewhere for a year to help some exodite rockbangers kill a nid splinter fleet
>cult of she-who-thirsts manages to infiltrate dumbass human world
>hold cokeorgy on top of the FUCKING OVERLORD'S TOMB somehow
>300 years of careful orchestration ruined by some horny monkeys
>fuckthisshit.webway
>orks will probably come before the ordained time and in insufficient numbers
>decide to plant "prophetic" dreams in the minds of the guardians to get them off their asses and go deal with this mess
>imitate their muscle-brained speech patterns to give them further inspiration
>one of the knuckle draggers says "i think we got this"
>i had this 300 years ago you double mon'keigh

With how many men they have, yea they do.

>be fightan' and smashin'
>zoggin' gud fun is wot it iz
>keep findin mapz dat hav dem red circle fings ova da humie wurldz
>still don't understand
>whyz a circle gotta go fast?
>tell the sneaky boyz to see if dey'z got lotsa fightas over dere, might be good fur krumpin
>sneaky boyz com bak
>all da humies iz ded
>all da green meks iz ded
>just one of dem nife ears shakin' 'er 'ed and mutterin somefing about "buckle shaggers"
>didn't know they luvved dere belts so much
>try to stomp but humies start throwing dakka at the planet from space
>bloody cheats

Da lesson, nobz, is never bovva wiv maps.

>be some boy under boss
>we wuz findin maps to a good foight
>boss doesnt send us in fer a good waaagh
>send 'ose dum sneak gits
>tells uz wez already missed the crump
Hows do i smash my warboss and take 'is teef?

>be navy pilot
>cap orders me and the other guys to transport like 2 billion guardsman
>transport em
>realize that giant-ass palace is burning
>have a few drinks before getting back to work

>be Canoness
>torching heretics goes really smoothly
>these are pretty anemic heretics, not sure how they overthrew a system government
>barely more than some ravers who think they'll get laid more if they pray to Slaanesh
>but whatever, heresy is heresy and Promethium is cheap
>Inquisitor fucked off somewhere but he's Ordo Xenos so who cares
>notmydepartment.jpg
>highest ranked Ecclesiarchy rep I can find is this fucking kid
>literally half my age, not sure how he got to be a bishop
>swear to the Emperor he hides a stiffy every time I talk to him
>saved some party slut from getting barbecued because she's "his betrothed", sure, why not
>"now we can turn our attention to the Necrons"
>fuck, was hoping to bounce before that
>athreehourtour.png
>guess the Emperor wills it, hope we don't get Sanctuary 101'd
>know the Guard is gonna expect us to do all the work because we have Power Armour and aren't retarded
>can't bombard everything because those fuckwits are still there
>know even if we live Astartes will probably show up and take all the credit
>get meltagun
>get hair done
>get nice new ermine scarf because the other one got heretic ash on it
>all ready to fight some death robots
>mfw the Eldar and the Orks show up

>be Imperial citizen
>work 18 hours a day for the God Emperor at my shitty job in the Manufactorum
>pay is shit but my family needs the money
>too old to join the Guard
>hear there’s a battle going on nearby but we have to keep working
>theemprahprotects.voxcast
>suddenly a squad of Sisters of Battle appears
>they’re screaming about heretics
>hold up my hands and say I’m not a heretic
>they fucking torch me alive with their flamers

DAOT is a hell of a drug.

>witnesses are dead
>govenor got torched by the sororitas so that's one loose end tied up
>daughter has her own shit to deal with
>navy in position as a backup
>on my way out of this sector
>never have to Carolus' shit eating grin again
>fuck that smug, malleus bastard
>comms chime
>literally how?
>nobody left in system to bother me, ebtire planet's burning
>it's some navy goon
>says orks and eldar have shown up
>now's there's three fucking xenos
>can't leave system now
>can't take being in this system without a good squeeze

Looks like I'm gonna have to call a briefing with the naval contingent. Throne, I hope they've got some good skirt serving on that flying cathedral.

Now we only need Tau and we got plot of new DoW

>Be Kabal member
>fuckingtrueborns.jpg
>Fucking chadborn tells me we have to realspace raid
>Pretty sure they are all going to hog all the great weapons again
>All I can do is pray they don't hang me off the edge of the Raider again, fucking pricks.
>Okay, game face, try my best to look cool, but hanging off the edge really make me nervous so I always end up just sort of hanging out on deck
>fuck these things need to be bigger
>So this planet as humans, necrons, fucking Slaaneshi fucks and those whitebread eldar fucks all fighting on it
>Fight goes okay, manage to "accidentally" shoot one of those fucking chadborns in the ass with my splinter rifle, they blame each other.
>Chadborns of course take as many eldar pain slaves as possible
>I get some sort of human female who screams a lot.
>Guess its time for the pain train
>I torture her and she's totally into it
>Now I think I'm in love and the chadborn won't stop teasing me.

>be Salamanders Lieutenant
>onboard strike cruiser with my battle-brothers on out way to a crusade
>stop off by this outlier world to refuel and resupply
>Imperial Navy ship is there
>The Guard is there
>Sisters of Batte are there
>Filthy xenos LITERALY EVERYWHERE
>most of the planet is on fire and the civies are getting torched
>what
>in the NAME
>OF THE EMPEROR’S TAP-DANCING BALLS?!

Guys, I feel terrible. I became a Captain in the Astra Militarum just recently (graduated from officer's academy a month ago), and last week was my first deployment. I somehow ended up with the task of capturing this hill from Necrons and was given these platoons to lead because the higher up got executed by our Commissar.

We got the hill, but we lost nearly 3,000 souls for it. All those young men, rife with their hopes and dreams, willing servants of the Emperor. Dead. And for what? This lone hill? What have I done, oh Throne? What terrible strategist, what inept tactician, what poor leader could waste the lives of 3,000 brave souls for one measly hill?

I deserve to be demoted, for I am not worthy of this rank. Nay, I deserve to be executed by the Commisar, for a man who wastes 3,000 lives to capture a hill deserves not to live.

> be me, Slaaneshi heretic
> Ecclesiarchy calls us out, starts torching base of operations while corpsefag navy bombards the planet from orbit
> shewhothirst'sscat.jpg
> freaking out, manage to hide under conveyor belt in crowded manufactorum
> see Canoness with flamer
> corpse worshiper oldfag sees me under the belt
> starts to reveal hiding place
> gets torched along with a dozen normies
> turns out manufactorum produces asbestos, so I get off scot-free
> my blessed benis' face when
> braiseslaanesh.jpg

>be rogue trader
>sleep through all this bullhit after my week long bender

>JUST
>AS
>PLANNED

>be Canoness
>planting melta bombs in Necron tomb with the gals
>sent all my Repentias to die going in the other way as a distraction
>lost my other eye fighting a giant robot centipede
>Batou.jpg
>shit's looking grim
>was really hoping to live out the rest of my MILF years
>hand bolt pistol to Celestian
>"You must hold them back, Sister Brigitte. Know that you die with honor and the God-Emperor's praise."
>other Sororitas start to tear up
>hear her chainsword revving as we escape
>mfw I really just picked the cattiest bitch in the Order
>whose scarf is "a bit much" now Brigitte?
>have fun getting flayed alive you dumb fucking cow

>be High Administrator of the of the local Administratum
>Really fucking earned that job, worked 23/7 to get that position a couple years long, my body nearly collapsing
>Finally got there a month ago, got some rejuvent treatmens to get sexy again, sure will tap some secretary ass I hope
>Actually do that (What a Madman I am)
>Pencilpushing and Lollygagging all the Day for me now
>FeelsGoodMan.png
>Visiting a Party to celebrate, getting real "High up the Spire" with some nobles and this little cleric brat those Ministorum Fanatics made Bishop of the City because he has a little birthmark on his chest that looks like an aquila and some old geezers found some dumb prophecy text or some shit, whatfuckingever not my business
>(Actually yes, because I collect the priests tax a bit higher than it is, keep the rest for myself just because I fucking can and these idiots burned the last revisor they had for knowing how to Math, Heresy I know)
>Wake up with High Class Caffeine and actual Bread
>Whenthedaystartsjustright.png
>Take a Shower in my Luxus Apartments Bath, get dry, go onto the balcony while my servitors hands me the latest memo for the work
>See the City fucking aflame, Xenos and Heretics and Space Marines and Sisters of Battles fighting on the fucking Streets
>Climb on the Ceiling
>Thinking about how, even if we survive this day, I will do to all the fucking paperwork
>ShouldIJump.exe

>be you
youtu.be/ZkN4gcOko5k

>Be me, best Seneschal in the business (pic related)
>My boss is still passed out because he can't handle his booze any better than he can his Dynasty
>TheWrongHeirDied.jpeg
>Have it under control though, as I set the schedule
>Love this system, and this system loves me.
>Have the Governor's whole family clocked. They give me the red carpet treatment whenever I drag my boss back here.
>Last time distracted the boss by sending him to poke around some old ruins. Came back with some glory green tech while I had fun with the Governor's daughter.
>GettinPaidandGettinLaid.gif
>Traded the glowy green tech to some totally loyal tech priest I know, got a ton of cash and he threw in some servitor control parts.
>Governor's son is obsessed with controlling robots because he watched some vid about the Men of Iron, will love this servitor junk.
>Governor's wife pays big money for pirated eldar torture porn.
>Governor himself is thoroughly addicted to an "energy supplement" I sold him on years ago.
>Governor's daughter is thoroughly addicted to THIS DICK
>Arrive in system, start receiving reports
>Green glowy tech xenos came out of nowhere
>Oops.jpg
>Navy, Guard, Marines, Inquisition, and Bolter Bitches everywhere
>Governor's wife taken by eldar, Governor's daughter marrying some Bishop, Governor's son dead, and Governor's mansion on fire along with the rest of our regular customers.
>TheyThrewGreatParties.heresy
>This is all my boss's fault.

>Be felinid guardsman
>Stuck on homeworld because of weird, vacillating embargo on if we're permitted offworld or not.
>people don't even know what the fuck we look like
>Just wanna kill heretics and fight for the emperor
>only highlight of my life is when I distract localborn heretics by using my lasgun's 'pointer' setting while I shank them from behind.

It might not be using that much.

Chances are actual use is about a tenth of that, so there's enough energy for 200-400 shots, but the pack's useless once charge drops below threshold to maintain charge.

This would explain hotshot's abilities as "delimiter" off, and why they eat through and destroy equipment.

>Ponter setting on laser gun
That explains some things about commissars

>Be commissar
>Someone says something possibly heretical
>Try to single him out with the pointer setting
>Accidentally blow his head off
>Pretend I had meant to do that
>Commissars everywhere now fucking kill more of their own guardsmen than enemies because of my mistake
>IBetChaosIsBehindThis.voxcast

>Be nameless Death Korps Fucker 4565
>Be standing knee deep in mud and shit, scarfing down some protein bards given to us by the Dark Angels
>Guy next to me gets obliterated, his viscera splatter on me
>LivingTheDream.STC
>Suddenly called in from my relaxing day
>Some heretics need purged
>Everyone piles into the Kampfwagen
>Drop on to the planet
>Trillions dead, corpses make mountains
>Entire planet on fire
>Oceans have turned into blood
>Astartes, Sororitas, Greenskins, Knife-ears, Necrons and more and just tearing each other to pieces in the street
>Throw myself directly at some giant glowing spider robot that's eating the souls of some civvies
>Instantly blasted out of existance
>Millions of my comrades die agonizing deaths
>InLifeWarInDeathPeaceInLifeShameInDeathAtonement.warp

>Be Original Commissar from this shitfest
>Quickly figured out there there was more heresy then just the governor being an incompetent fucker
>Suddenly out of no where, fucking Eldar and Orks enter into the system for God Emperor knows what
>I swear there was a group of scantly dressed
eldar lesbians that I was pretty sure wanted to kidnap a few of Sisters present in this system
>The system was then raided by Dark Eldar which caused some Salamanders to appear which just added to the fire
>Managed to turn one of the worlds in this system into a death world
>On the plus side, I was able to completely get the new guardsmen fag regiment into a competent Mechanized regiment with decent equipment thanks to a deal with the tech priests getting a new forge world when the Sisters clear our the Necronfags
>Should probably offer the Sisters and Salamanders a world or two as compensation

Also to that Guardsmen Captain who lost 3,000 guardsmen to get a hill, don't worry about that since its actually below average casualties.

>Be Sister of Battle
>Have to get shipped out with our fucking terrifying Cannoness
>Just have to hope I don't end up like Sister Maria
>Pretty sure Sister Maria got used as Mawloc bait because she made fun of the cybernetic eye.
>Pretty standard operation, burning heretics, whatever.
>Suddenly just, xenos everywhere.
>Just a fucking mess.
>Get kidnapped by xenos
>thankscannoness.vox
>Guess its time to be tortured to death, just great
>The xeno who captured me turns out to be a total wuss just into some light BDSM
>Haha, I went through way worse in the Schola
>Feel kind of bad so I pretend to be in lots of agony
>Least I'm not like the other slaves
>Least I'm not working for that cannoness
>Soul is probably forfeit though.

Resignedsigh.vox

I now want to see the ensuing 'lover's quarrel when the Eldar realizes the soritas is faking it.

>"You said that was the most horrific torture you've been in your whole life! I bet I've never even heard you honestly scream!"

I was going to say this last night but I was worried about being called a newfag

>all in all, not a bad Wednesday for the Imperium

>mfw

>be noble
>warpdust for days, my dudes
AYYYY

>whyz a circle gotta go fast?
Dat's a real 'ead-skratcher. I mean, where's it goin'?

>Be Inquisitor
>Stipend for smaller Ordos only come about when said Ordos is relevant
>Have to pretend a specific type of heresy is happening on my hive planet so I can afford my servo-skulls models

Birth of a Minor Ordos

>Be Ordo Dialogus Sororitas
>Be Secretary to Scaryeyes Canoness
>Fuck I wish I was kidnapped to be raped by xenos like that other sister
>Half of what I record for her is just her bitchy comments about various Imperial officials
>Half to delete most of them to not get accused of heresy
>Spend more of my time getting her recaff than doing actual work.
>I studied for ten years on how to translate Eldar and this is the job I get?
>Just gotta make sure I don't mention the eyes or the scarf.

>be you
>type incomprehensible gibberish in an unapproved font color
>expect any more replies beyond this one

Is silver actually the color of the Ermine Mantle order? Don't think I've ever seen them as a unit

>Be Alpharius
>take break from arguing with subordinates over who is Alpharius
>check up on pet project system
>decide to throw a party because everything has gone as planned

>shot some guy in the face, he just scratched his nose, didin't even wake up
>whatthefuck.png
explain for a newfag pls

Lasguns are powerful if basic laser rifle weapons that regularly compete with fully automatic RPGs, murderfuck toxin crystal throwers, metal storm shuriken launchers, and myriad other terrifying weapons.

As such, they are comparatively lackluster and we joke they're just flashlights.

A long-standing joke among 40k fans is that the laser rifles (lasguns) issued to members of the Imperial Guard (basically the Space Army) are referred to as "flashlights" because of their supposedly weak combat ability.

Think of it like this, your typical Lasgun is the equivalent of a .50 cal without much of the major drawbacks. The problem is that most enemies the Imperium fact that aren't regular humans have armor that easily shrugs that off to the point where they might as well be using flashlights.

Gotcha.

>Think of it like this, your typical Lasgun is the equivalent of a .50 cal without much of the major drawbacks
nigger you what
no

>Be me, brother Korahiel of the Dark Angels
>recieve reports of a system being grindfucked by no less than three xenos species, a full order of bolter bitches gone crazy and a slaaneshi cult, commissars shooting left and right at everyone
>Chaplain said there probably was some of "those guys" and they must be the cause of this mess.
>OnTheRoadAgain.jpg
>Get word Chaplain assface was right and some asshat is actually behind all this
>Make planetfall to capture the fucker and help him make his amends to the papa emps
>Find him laughing alongside his fellow asshats in his green armor, brother Ahmedel says stupid faggotwing bikers are roaming on the surface
>Purge the traitors, capture many for further interrogation
>Get attacked by a cannonnes with damn scary eyes wearing an outrageous scarf as her only piece of clothing and a heavy flamer
>Why is it that she keeps calling us "Fallen" ?

>Be World Eater Beserker
>Haven't had any real fun since our Primarch got banished on Armageddon
>Strolling around Eye of Terror slaughtering some Slaanesh fag when I hear one of them austically shout "we have to get to this system to restore faith in the Lord of Excess"
>Start getting intrigued by this system and had this cultist captured for more details
>Turns out this system has turned into some fucking massive war zone for no reason other then the Governor let his son lead an assault against some Necronfags which lead to a series of events that got three xenos species, multiple Imperial Guard and Mechanicum. along with several loyal space marine fags in that system
>Unable to pass up opportunity for some skulls
>Managed to get thousands of World Eaters with me along with some cultists
>Fucking Kharn is even joining in on the fun

Get ready for some actual fighting you loyalist fags.

>be Salamander
>Lieutenant says we’re taking a detour on our way to the crusade because this system needs our help
>oncemoreintothebreach.crsd
>get in drop pod with squad
>drop into a hot combat zone and save a bunch of guardsmen from Necrons
>make our way to the civies the guardsmen were defending and start escorting them out of the combat zone
>get ambushed by greenskins
>blast em with my flamer
>ilovethesmellofburningxenosinthemorning.stc
>see Sisters of Battle coming over the hill
>”Hail Sisters! Come join us in our righteous work!”
>they come over and immediately start eyeing up the civies
>They see one guy with an extra pinkie on his left hand
>”PURGE THE MUTANTS!”
>they fucking burn half the civies before we can calm them down
>fucking bolter bitches I swear

Yeah, the .50 in-game equivalent (heavy stubber) is just slightly stronger than a lasgun, so it would be better to call it a fully automatic .30cal

God I am saving this thread...

>The problem is that most enemies the Imperium fact that aren't regular humans have armor that easily shrugs that off to the point where they might as well be using flashlights.
eh, I wouldn't worry about it, dumb fucks usually don't use helmets anyway, not even when using terminator armor.

>Be random Imperium citizen
>Wake up after 2 hours of sleep for forced labor
>Woken up by arbite beating me with shock maul
>Thank the Emperor for being able to sleep twice as long as normal
>Thank arbite for the gentle beating
>Get beaten for talking
>Silly me, must be the starvation making me forgetful
>Forced labor for 22 straight hours, hands bleeding again
>thankful that I still have hands
>Paul falls over from exhaustion
>Mechanicus immediately turn him into a servitor
>Paul is constantly screaming and in pain
>Man is he lucky to have metal hands now, no more bleeding hands
>Be told by local lord that we are blessed with an extra 2 hours of work today
>Praise the Emperor

>Be Sororitas, just joined out of Schola
>wtf is an Ermine Mantle
>oh well, my schola grades were shit, glad to be anywhere even if its not Martyred Ladies.
>That white hair is so hot
>Wish I hadn't spent so much of my school time smoking lhos in the schola bathroom
>Join up, get fabulous silver and grey armor, absolutely fantastic ermine trim on stuff.
>Actually really hyped now
>Turns out most of our job involves burning people, ash just gets over everything.
>Can't even make out the trim is Ermine anymore.

Fuck. At least we get to vent our frustrations on these smelly peasants. I wonder if Cannoness Crazy Eyes dies her hair that red shade. Wonder where I can get some.

1/2
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Have a Real Doozy of a Day
>Heresy discovered, the planet set aflame.
>The cult I had suspected all along did exist. In fact I had been within their nest!
>If the emperor had not sent me to my angel, she surely would have been sacrificed in some terrible blood ritual at their party.
>Luckily, I was there to prevent her innocence from being sacrificed on their altar of perversion.
>TheEmperorProtects.voxcast
>I explain all of this to one of the Sisters of Battle who has come to purge the heretics from our world. She seems truly moved by our story of love.
>Just being in her presence inspires me, her bountiful faith in the emperor really getting my blood pumping.
>My betrothed seems absolutely traumatized by the goings on. Shocked into a kind of stupor. I decide its best to remove her from the situation and I take her back to my estate.
>Once we are far from the flames, I offer her solace in my arms.
>She suggests that she must keep her mind clear, because so much depends on us. Instead she comforts herself by exploring my body with her hand.
>I am a compassionate and loving man, and so I allow her to use my body to calm herself while she inquires about the state of things.
>She is very concerned that heretical substances may have survived. She demands that she be allowed to personally make sure none were missed. She suggests that being a prisoner forced to observe her father's heresy has made her an expert.
>She also begins explaining that she knows of a number of heretics who the Sisters may have missed, because they were not at the party. She begins listing men and women she has met throughout her life who are guilty of the most blatant cruelties and heresies as well as "being bitches"

2/2
>When my body can offer her no more comfort, I am reminded of my duty as the one marked by the Emperor's Aquila. The world's current calamity is exactly what I was born to address.
>ChosenOne.jpeg
>I don my battle robes raise the ancient flamer that was bestowed upon me. I call the Warriors of the Ministorum to my side. I order the prisons emptied of those who seek repentance in the service of the Emperor. I call upon the faithful throughout the system to take up whatever arms they have and join my crusade.
>The Emperor sent my love to me to show me the way, and the heretics she has pointed my too will be cleansed by holy fire.
>Starting with her slutty cousin Becky

>Be me, Alpharius
>be imperial guardsmen
>be commissar
>be sororitas
>be necron lord
>be planetary govenor
>be govenor's slutty daughter
>be slanneshi cultist
>be gaurdian
>be farseer
>be warboss
>be imperial navy admiral
>be (you)

>>be (you)

>Be Ollanius Pius
>Actually just be a random average joe recruited from some imperial world
>Stand in between The Emperor and Horus
>Horus deletes me without any effort
>symbolic victory for humanity at best
>everyone thinks I'm a perpetual god or some shit
>really stupid shit
>Just a random guy
>seriously
>stop

>Be Sister Hospitaller
>Sent along with Militant order to planet
>Shit breaks down
>time to shine bitches
>get sisters returning to me, complaining about blood
>shitsrealnow.vox
>ask where they are injured
>look at me like I'm stupid, say they're not injured, they want the blood and shit cleaned off their armour and stupid fucking ermine cloaks

fuck don't we have servitors for this shit.

>be Canoness
>finally get back from fighting Necrons
>everything has gone even further to shit
>Salamanders are here
>xenos are here
>the xenos aren't on fire
>doyourfuckingjob.jpg
>find out some of the second-line Sisters got kidnapped by BDSM space twinks
>stupid tramps probably did it on purpose to get out of doing real work
>the rest are flame broiling random civilians, apparently at the bishop's order
>oh shit the Mechanicum is here
>they hate my guts
>apparently putting some ballistic glass in front of the hapless cunts driving our Penitent Engines is "potential tech heresy"
>I'm a Canoness of the Adepta Sororitas, my morning dumps are holy
>my purity seals have purity seals
>my name should never be in the same sentence as any kind of heresy
>except "Canoness Konstanzia sentences you to death by immolation for the crime of heresy"
>decide to bounce
>gather up the rest of the Sororitas
>tell them our fellow Sisters being held by the foul xenos is an affront to the Emperor and we must rescue them
>mfw I peel out in my pimped out Repressor

Thread was good last night, Cannoness elevated it to greatness.

>be tyranid
>attacking systems with the hive-fleet
>absorb all the biomass in current system
>travel to a new one
>biomasseverywhere.synapse
>even get to trap some of those female fleshy pink things
>tfw

>apparently putting some ballistic glass in front of the hapless cunts driving our Penitent Engines is "potential tech heresy"

>be nidfag
>get torched nearly instantly because half the forces in the system are carrying flamers

>Be Dominion of Order of Ermine Mantle
>Is great job, love it
>Canoness Konstanzia is pretty intense but I appreciate that no shit taking attitude
>Also, she has such a nice scarf, holy shit
>What does she use in her hair
>Get word that we have sisters abducted by xenos
>fuck yes its melta time
>Apparently its some sort of "twink elf" xenos that are responsible
>Sounds easy
>Immolator rams into one of their stupid flying tanks
>Get out, go through the hull of this thing with my melta like Sister Olga goes through donuts
>Burst in ready to melt some Xenos
>Find a naked Sister Terese in the embrace of some naked Xeno chick
>Have to get in there and smack a Xeno bitch like I smack Olga when she tries to take the last fruit filling donut
>She makes up some excuse of having escaped captivity and was trying to wrestle the Xeno into submission
>I decide to let this one slide for Terese, but that Xeno is going right to the Inquistion, hope they fucking dissect her
>Bitch xeno tore my ermine cloak.

And cover up my rock hard abs with a jacket? Never!

>be grey knights
>frustrated at lack of daemons lately
>grand master says we're going to some planet where there's a big fight going on and a chaos cult is opening a warp portal while everyone is distracted burning civilians and playing dressup
>laughingforceglaive.purityward
>don tactical dreadnought armour, takes like a day after doing three straight days of incantations to prepare
>cant wait for a new paintjob to my armor
>strike cruiser arrives in system
>minotaurs are there too
>dark angels are there
>their gay fallen brothers are there
>salamanders are there
>minotaurs are there
>watinthenameoftheimmortalemperor.tarot
>get boarded by minotaurs and die when the ship starts exploding for some reason
>mfw I have no face