And we're back. Now that the time travel arguing is over, here is the new green text thread. Anyone new can find the original thread here: Based on the strawpoll, this is the ending of the last thread: >The Time Loop sends Stercus to the past where it sticks around until that Past Stercus Warps back, leaving future Stercus the only Stercus, and just handwaving Tzeentch’s intentions and the possible effects new future Stercus would have on past Stercus.
With that shit dealt with, we can return to green texting about this perpetual war between an unreasonable number of factions. New posters are encouraged to jump in, though you may want to glance at the original thread which is pretty funny.
Two quick rules we agreed on. >No more time travel bullshit, ever. >No non-canon/crossovers. Superman is not invited to this war.
1/2 >Be me, Best Seneschal in the business >Of course, now my business is wedding planning. >Though most of the wedding planning corps consists of people who lacked the faith to pick up a flamer and so got forced into logistics it's not that bad >Hear some people were resentful at first, until they realized there is literally no where else on the planet safe for civilians. >Assigned to help burn all the corpse hills the Bolter Bitches created around the holy site >Not the worst job for a wedding planner. I sure don't want to be the one to explain to the girl who used to get bored at gangbangs that she can't wear white at her wedding. >DoTheyHaveAnythingDarkerThanBlack.dress >Suggest that it might be a better idea to sell these killbots to a Rogue Trader instead of spending hours trying to burn fucking metal "corpses" >Almost get Flamer-whipped by one of The Emperor's Merciful Shepherds for suggesting that cleansing fire isn't the solution, but the Sacred Squirt overhears and gets interested. >Guess he recognizes me from when I rigged up the Governor's broadcast system for his speech. >For some reason there aren't a lot of technically capable people amongst the endless horde of bloodthirsty religious fanatics. >ItIsAMystery.jpg >Somehow, his wife-to-be doesn't seem to recognize me at all. Don't know if she's just done so much warp dust that she doesn't remember meezzvsxx, she's trying to hide her past, or I'm just unrecognizable covered in layers of blood and ash. >I don't fight, it's just that the atmosphere is like 10% blood and ash now. The only people who ever look clean are the higher ups, who make doctors do their laundry. >StainectomyStat.png
Tyler Cooper
2/2 >Anyway, the twerp has me make contact with some traders. End up setting up a few great deals. The kind of shit that is litter on this hellhole of a planet is valuable as shit in the sane parts of the Galaxy. >Consider embezzling a little because honestly, half the time the kid seems like a rube. >Of course, the other half of the time he seems like a bloodthirsty religious fanatic. The fact that he looks like he's not old enough to drink actually just makes the fact that he's burned and butchered his way across the planet way creepier. >Plus, I know what The Governor's Whore of a Daughter is into. He must get up to some scary shit behind closed doors. >Literally rake in enough to buy some planets that AREN'T on fire, but for some reason we're staying here. Can't even get myself on one of the ships. >PleaseBuyMeToo.gif >Buys a couple new vehicles and some artillery at first. I assumed he'd spend the rest on more weapons and armor for his endless horde. >Nope, the instructions I get are insane. It's half infrastructure planning for an entire city and half boring non-heretical party supplies >Tfw the wedding planner thing wasn't a joke >Tfw this little twerp is actually going to marry The Governor's Whore of a Daughter >Tfw he's building a small city in the middle of the worst war zone in the galaxy to host his special day >Where the fuck do I find a Rogue Trader that deals in baked goods?
>Was great inquisitor of Ordo Chronos >Will notice the warp time-dilation problems occurred on a planet which literally has "shit" as a name >Would have been amused >Has had been pissed off at the same time >I hope I would have had some time to rest >The day after yesterday I would have had have to fix this clusterfuck >Emperor forgave me, the space time continuum will not be the only thing fucked up >There was enough ground to summon every branch of the Inquisition on this planet >Mfw there would have been already some Inquisitors tangled in this mess
Camden Clark
Blood Ravens recap: >We've "found" a great number of chapter relics (some bearing the heraldy of the Salamanders, Dark Angels, Grey Knights, Eldar, Adeptus Mechanicus, The Order of the Ermine Mantle, the Ultramarines, the Imperial Guard and the Inquisition, strangely enough.) >We tried to ... appropriate the Living Saint Brigitte, but instead, accidentally bumped her head with a thunderhawk. OOPS. >After claiming valuable relics and gifts for the Chapter, the Battle Barge Claimitus Rex has transferred all of the loot *ahem* GIFTS to the Battle Barge Metallus Bawkses, who will be warping out shortly. >Current mission: Liberate the Imperial Temple from the heretics, mutants, traitors, and pretty much anyone that stands in our way, and take it with us. >I am Blood Raven Sergeant Takken Hanoverfist, and I will claim it in the name of the Emperor.
>be weirdboy >be feelin' da waagh! energy >be needin' to let it go, boy >be seeing some of dose big bugs and 'umies wit burnaz >Yu's getz a squigging, you getz a squigging. >SurroundedBySquigs.Glyph >It's a good day
Elijah Cox
>Be Stormtrooper Marcus >just get out of meeting after being used as bait (thanks Fessus) and almost discovered by our old Commissar (thanks again Fessus) >Apparantly it was cause of some Quistor of the Ordo Cornos or something, bugger me I dunno >All I know is that he had a big shiny I-shaped badge and more loose screws than an Ork trak >Seemslegit.Holovid >He’s all pissy at us about fucking up the timeline or something >Probably has something to do with Dustbunny and his bloody bomb >Bloody Dustbunny >It’s all his fault >I still say we should have killed him, but noooo, why would we listen to Marcus, he’s just a silly weird little Guardsman with a hunchback of duct tape, nah let’s just take the dangerous heretic who almost killed us all prisoner instead for no reason >Bloody hell >Anyways, it probably doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t his fault, because after the astropath there stopped spazzin out, he said it was all gonna be all right >I think, I dunno it was a lot of gibberish with “quantum this” and “continuum that” >Honestly it was really boring >Thankfully one of the Ravens noticed how bored we were, and gave us all leave to go grocery shopping >cept Fessus, he had to stay, >ha sucks to be him. >although not too much more than it sucks to be me. >don’t get me wrong, running errands is fine >it is what chapter serfs do after all, and it’s pretty easy >honestly I could get half this list as “gifts” >no, it’s baby sitting the other morons that sucks >No Lloyd I won’t bet you twenty thrones to eat that...whatever it is, now put it down before you get yourself hospitalized again you retard. >Oh look there’s Phil, arguing theology a street preacher, AGAIN >An where in the Warp’s Decarus? >Oh bloody hell did he sneak off to look for that Bolter Bitch again? >I swear he’s a whiteshield cause he act’s like he’s bloody 15 >well, guess I gotta add Loverboy to the grocery list. >Bloody hell, why me?
>Be Stormtrooper-Serf Decarus >be excused from extremely confusing and warpy meeting to got obtain valuable supplies for the good of the chapter >Basically yes, Grocery shopping, >Not really all that excited, shopping is kinda boring >But hey, it’s an excuse to be outside >The Hive’s seen better days, but it’s still intact and people seem to be trying to rebuild their homes again >and most of the Fires have been put out >I swear you can’t really appreciate how sweet that semi filtered Hive air is until after you’ve breathed nothing but Smoke for the past few months >Still though, the Novelty wear off. >That and Marcus is all grouchy again >he’s still probably still Pissy because the Donuts were all gone by the time he got back to base. >Hope he doesn’t realize that I’m the one who stole the last one. >I couldn’t help it, it was Batavi Creme, that stuff’s my weakness >Anyways, trip gets a lot less fun real quick >suddenly remember, >that last time I saw that one Sister she was headed back to this hive >maybe she’s still here >I could probably go look >It’s not like Marcus really needs me to carry it, Phil could probably carry half of it by himself >sneak Off while Marcus is busy dealing with Phil and Lloyd. >probably not the best idea, considering that I don’t have a map. >Wander around aimlessly for a while >almost get mugged even >although, that was before the muggers noticed my Hellgun >ChunkySalsa.Holoadd >beginning to think this was a bad idea when suddenly >There she is, >The Sister from before >Just as beautiful as ever >And also flying with even radiant wings >hell now she’s even more out of my league. >Still, came this far, might as well ask her out so I can say I tried >Wait is that a ship? >Why are they flying so low, if they aren’t careful they’re gonna hit somethi- >OH! >Oh Emprah! >Oh man alive that’s gotta hurt! >maybe I should go see if she’s alright
>Be Greater Daemon of Slaanesh >Pretty good time >Enjoying self in warp >Suddenly get pulled out of warpdust party >She Who Thirsts is really pissy >Fuck >Okay so apparently Tzeentch BTFO our forces in some shitty place? >Now we have to come up with something major to win back some influence >Fuck and I'm in charge okay >So the Corpse Worshippers are all hyped because apparently they got a Living Saint or whatever the fuck that is >Okay, I can see how we can use this - we turn her to Chaos, Slaanesh is happy, I can go back to my warp dust parties >Start to get my daemons together for an orgy/drug party/planning session >Start sending messages out to the cultists >Feeling pretty good about my plots >Fuck if only I knew how terrible an idea this was going to be at the time.
>Be me, Youngster Ecclesiarchy Bishop >Even I hadn't realized exactly how massive the ranks of the faithful had grown. Even now people keep arriving at the Holy Site. >I've officially consecrated the site and named it The Landing of the Avenging Angels of the Ermine Mantle, though I've heard people just refer to it as "Angel's Landing" >GetItRight.heretics >The Sisters of Battle had already done an amazing job of protecting this holy site but now with our numbers, equipment, and my Aquila birthmark we were turning this place into something unique on this world. >At the center of the Site, the distant din of battle was almost inaudible most of the time. It gave people a place where they could engage in things besides battle. Prayer, listening to my speeches LIVE, and occasionally base commerce. >PassTheCollectionPlate.voxcast >Those who come in person say they can FEEL the Emperor. They also get to see the holy Aquila because I've got this cool new open chest robe that shows the Emperor's mark and a hint of my battle scars. >TakeItIn.glory >But, even those who cannot hear me in person now get to hear the emperors words. >Using a combination of vox and the Governor's broadcast system, I spread the emperor's message far and wide. >I'm hoping to convert some Mechanicus to the true faith, because I really could use more tech support. >NoIdeaHowAnyOfThisWorks.gif >All of the faithful are welcome here. No Blood Ravens. >Whether the people who come here lift a flamer for the cause or join my expanding logistics and wedding planning congregation, anyone can serve the Emperor. >Sincerely though, no Blood Ravens. I suspect they have fallen to the ruinous powers. >IfItWalksLikeAHeretic.burnit >But all of this just provides the foundation I need to accomplish my next major goal. >I've got to stabilize this place, recreate civilization, and build my cathedral >Because I need somewhere appropriate to marry the woman I love, The Ex-Governor's Saint of a Daughter
>be Canoness Konstanzia >back on the Shrine World Tomis >Home of the Purity Seal™ >got my parade >got some new holy merit badges >lifeisgood.jpg >have to keep going to these fucking Inquisition hearings >may have hypothetically destroyed a planet that's actually still around in a timeline that hasn't happened >Ordo Chronos is still trying to iron things out >not really my problem >Bishop and his bride-to-be went back home to get married >I "begged" him "not to" >"I'm sure the starving citizens of Stercus Ludicrum can survive without your immediate guidance, Reverend. Please, wait until you are ready." >glad he's out of my flawless fucking hair >sent a Sisters detachment and our dumb cow of a Living Saint along with him while I deal with administrative difficulties >"administrative difficulties" including full-body Ordo Fricarus massages >sometimes it's good to be Canoness >Order of the Ermine Mantle is getting all kinds of funding for our good work >got a pretty new masterwork melta pistol >Mechanicus nerds chastise me for calling it a "melta pistol" >"'Inferno pistol', Canoness." >bitch it doesn't shoot Renaissance poetry about wanting to fuck a minor, it melts people >name it "Tifania" after my friend from Schola who got eaten by a Haruspex >somehow this annoys them even more >mfw enjoying my leave and preparing to bring the Emperor's fury down on whatever inevitably fucks it up
>Be Sister Charlotte >Be pretty fucking pleased >Got commendation for securing this area >Now its like, a fucking military base? >Okay, guess we're staying on planet >Don't give a shit, whatever, maybe more xenos can show up so I can show them my melta >Don't know what happened to my cape though, those fucking laundry ladies probably lost it >Oh so there is apparently a wedding? At a military base >Oh yes I am so fucking down we have been at this way too long >Fucking crazy eyes passed out >Even Brigitte passed out. But thats cuz she got hit by a Thunderhawk. Pretty hilarious actually. >mfwigetagreatidea.vox >Go find whatever administratum guy is in charge or organizing this wedding for these two >Proceed to do some extensive... convincing >Manage to get the whole Order of the Ermine Mantle to be the "honor guard" to the wedding >Having done this before, know we basically all get to be bridesmaids >Bridesmaids get food and drink >Might even get some amasec >Fuck yes.
>Be me, Ex-Governors (Ex-Whore of a Ex-Slaanesh-Cultist of a) Daughter, Youngster Bishops Wife in spe >Considering how I nearly died as my Homeplanet became Armageddon cranked up to 7/11 things are going pretty gud for me >Bae is super popular, he talks to the masses, is building a cathredral and stuff >A Rogue Trader is helping with the Planning, I don't know why, but he seems familar, maybe from one of the orgy where we conjured some daemonettes to spice things up? >Thingswedonttalkabout.jpg >I needed months to clean the warpdust out of there >Things are getting stabler >Things slowly stop burning >How did we survive all that shit?
>Be Marcus >Be whole way through Grocery list >And way under budget too >turns out a lot of vendors were willing to gift the chapter most of the necessary supplies >even if they didn’t know it. >Yeah, i’ll Say I Definetly get the easier job than Johnston. >He and his boys had to go with Furtivus and his scout marines to investigate another batch of Cronz landing on this planet >do not envy him >still though, it ain’t wise to linger too long, >Apparantly this Hive-base-Thingy has a strict “No magpies policy” >I guess now I know why the Commander used us as bait. >Phil didn’t get a chance to paint our armor yet, so no one knew we were with them, >But now I Really gotta find Decarus before he get’s Himself hurt >The Boy can’t take care of imself >now where could he- >hold on >is that an honest to Emperor bar? >oh bloody hell I haven’t had a drink in ages. >...you know we do still have half our budget left >we could stop in for a drink >It wouldn’t take too long to get maybe two >Decarus is a big boy after all, he can take care of himself >Fessus won’t even notice if we stop in for maybe three or four drinks before getting Decarus and meeting back up. >and I already sent Phil back with the Groceries anyways >alright fuck it, come on Lloyd I Betcha 20 Thrones I can drink you under the table!
>be Canoness >apparently the High Lords are quite pleased with the Battle of Stercus Ludicrum, all things considered >tied up Ork, Necron, Eldar, Tyranid and Chaos forces >let them kill each other in one spot instead of threatening other systems >minimal casualties, only in the millions >lighting half an ice planet on fire actually has beneficial terraforming value >Shrine World Tomis is swarming with Imperial forces >apparently they want to turn the whole thing into a Crusade >well fuck >hardly 100% on that idea but I don't get a say in this kind of thing >Navy ships still coming in >several Imperial Guard regiments >companies from half a dozen Astartes Chapters whose names I've never heard >more asshole Mechanicus >"but Canoness, you can't put quad multilasers on an Immolator" >how about you piss off >named Canoness Superior of local Adepta Sororitas forces >fucking nice >not in overall command of this disaster on wheels >not as nice >get some minor Order underlings >hate dealing with other Sisters, they're all hypocritical vindictive cunts >Palatine Sara of the Golden Light >thinks she's such hot shit >dresses like she's a cowboy from fucking 870.M2 >has a stupid fucking choir that follows her around whistling and playing twangy guitars and making annoying Morricone noises >why do I not have a choir >Palatine Barbastella of the Black Sepulchre >bunch of goth bitches >black armor, black robes, black hair, black makeup >all obnoxiously pessimistic >but God-Emperor if she isn't hot >probably be a regular Sister Terese by now if she'd been in my Schola >hate her fucking guts though >praying to the Emperor that this rolling debacle doesn't immediately go to shit
>Be Ylyrya, Daemonette of Slaanesh. >Be chilling doing warp dust >Get word that operation Corrupt Saint is go >And conveniently she is unconscious >Okay, nice, time to do a little dream tempting >Its a fucking disaster. >This chick is the worst combination of pure and stupid >Nothing I do works >We are getting down to "begone foul demoness, I have no desire for poultry!" levels >Fuck I'm gonna be in trouble if I can't work this >However, I do get some useful info >She really seems to love all her fellow sisters and friends, how cute >Some research reveals they are gonna be fertile ground for tempting >Okay, so she's a bust, but surely if her entire order goes to Chaos she'll follow due to peer pressure, or just have to kill them all and fall due to the shock >Hahaha, I'm a genius. >So I thought.
Adam Gray
>Be Original Commissar >For the first time in years I don't have to worry about a random shell falling from any location on this hell hole or some other crazy bullshit >The worst threat we still have to deal with are those Chaos Titans and Beserkers which sounds bad to the average commander but when compared to the other shit me and my copy had to deal with its Tuesady >Civilization even seems to be somewhat coming back with that Bishop guy making a city just to bang that (ex whore of a ) noble >Then one day get reports of some Necron ships within the area landing troops for the sole purpose of stealing shit >WTF.xenos >Ask why lifeless robots would need to steal artifacts that have no real importance >I am then infromed that these Necrons apparently belong to some Taryzan the Infinite guy >Wait, that name sounds familiar >Ask for the status of the Blood Ravens battle barges >Turns out a few of these Necron ships are getting a bit to close to said battle barges >Ohfuck.voxcast >Start making calls to any Imperial forces within the area to double bolt down everything and get ready for another way of cluster fuck shit to happen >Though all of this is secondary to the report that a few of those deserting stormtroopers that alluded me have been spotted at a fucking bar by my future self. >Grab the nearest Baneblade and book it for the bar >Nobodyescapesthefiringline.blam
Cameron Allen
>Be Sister Lydia >Fuck I thought we were getting off (no not like that Sister Charlotte) but now we're stuck in some sort of massive crusade >Well better get the Repressor ready. >Get Sister Hanna to help me put this dozer blade back on >I'd be more mad at how lazy she is when it comes to anything that isn't shooting shit, but I'm pretty much feeling the same >Suddenly this weird looking pink and purple lady shows up >She has a cooler >She is asking if she can tempt us with some drinks >Hmm, wait... was this something we studied back in the Schola? Temptation is supposed to be bad >Oh well, we fucking deserve it >Invite the weirdly colored lady into the back of the repressor >Holy shit she has a lot of booze in there >This is like some fucking magic box of booze >Its fucking endless >This must be some Dark Age of Technology >This is probably why the Dark Age of Technology Happened >Man was not meant to have this endless a supply of alcohol >We probably drank ourselves into near death as a species >I start to get pretty liquored up >Fuck this purple lady was nice >I'm feeling kind of bad I'm mooching off her magic booze box >Here lemme give you some of our stuff... its somewhere around here >Yeah fuck this is the good amasec >Give her the good amasec and she drinks it, suddenly she starts screaming and running outside the repressor >Oh fuck is she on fire >Did I accidentally give her some prometheum? >Have Sister Hanna help me read this shit >Huh, this is the Holy Water we use to bless the Bolter Rounds >Purple Lady is rolling around outside and bursting into flames >Hannah grabs the holy water and runs outside to dump it on her to try and put her out >For some reason it fucking explodes her >mfwI'mwatchingthis.vox >Okay, at least there's nothing left so we can't get into trouble. >Swear Sister Hanna to never speak of this again, and to relocate the Repressor to the nearest actual bar. >Cuz it looks like that magic box vanished >Spooky shit my gal
>Be Decarus >Just witness the worst cause of Vehicular Manslaughter outside of a war zone I have ever seen on the Sister I was just about to ask out. >Cockblockedbyhigherpowers.litteraly >Rush over to try and apply what medics skills I have. >First I should probably try bandaging the head so she doesn’t bleed out right? >This is beyond my Paygrade >Still though, I do a pretty bang up job >She looks good as new. Although she’s still unconscious >Although that’s probably becuase her body was magically healing itself while is was trying to fix her up >The really Big marine over there told me living Saints are supposed to do that >Wow I didn’t know she got promoted! >I oughta congratulate her >when she wakes up >come to think of it I oughta take her to the hospital >and wait till she wakes up, just in case >I wonder if anywhere around her sells chocolates and flowers?
also that’s the last on I’ll be able to do till my shift ends
Jack Rogers
>be me, Skitarii alpha Zeta-47 Kaal >Rescued by blood raven from death along with my squad >En route to blood raven HQ >They say they got tech so it's all good >Time passes >Get to BR HQ >Squad gets shoved into barracks >Ok.machine >We wait for exactly 2.5 hours >Suddenly everything tastes green >Exit base to see a bunch of weird green pyramids >Also this isn't the planet we were on >Turn around >The whole of blood raven HQ has been moved into what I assume to be another ship of alien design >Holycog.dataslate >Quickly retreat into the barracks >Some guardsmen and a few space marines look on in confusion >I knew I should've said no to the space marine
Send help.
Joshua Barnes
>be dark angel scout sergeant >told by our company master that he needs to go to "important chapter stuff" and him and veterans leave not before telling us to "go prove ourselves or something" >well prove ourselves we fucking will >camouflage our base in the middle of bum fuck nowhere with some grass since we just got a vox from a commissar about the fucking magpies coming back >we know our great ravenwing are much better than those marine version ratlings >anyway >take all the melta bombs we can carry and a long range vox to our strike cruiser in orbit >cue danglesguideonhowtotakedownatitan.vox
Thomas Scott
>Be necronfag >Awoken form 10000 year long slumber just so our tomb lord can go act on his addiction of looting valuable items >Half of these items aren't even useful to us, he just wants them just for shits and giggles >More specifically, he tells us to steal shit from this one group of what are apparently super warriors known as the Blood Ravens >whatever.catanshards >upon arrival at the current system they are in I was for once able to feel genuine surprise at the shithole we arrived in >For starters a planet that was supposed to be an iceball is just an endless sea of fire, dust, wreckage of Catan shards now what, and bodies everywhere >It only get stranger when we actually start attacking the Blood Raven facilities, which are filled to the brim with just about anything you can imagine >There was even this one tall golden person in there who is supposed to be on this shithole known as Terra >It was then I learned that these Blood Ravens are just organic version of our Tomblord >Our Tomb lord dragged us this shithole system just to start an official rivalry with the fleshy version of himself
Isaiah Hill
>Be me, da Killa Kan >Buncha the boyz been gettin krumped >Lotsa boyz wanted to get in dis fight from lots of different WAAAGHS, but we wuz all split up >Buncha the boyz died fightin da humies, Buncha da ova ones chased some Eldar some where's. >Now that I'm not some weak Grot, I don't spend my time thinkin an scheme'n >SliceShootStomp.kanlife >But I still got a cleva mind, and I see how we can start krumpin back again >Mostly been usin Grotz for stompin now, like da rest of da boyz do, but rememba that dey'z also good for messages >CunninButBrutal.kanlife >Start sendin da Grotz running in all directions. Chase some of them for awhile so they think I'm still following. Sometimes I am. >Tell'm not ta stop til they find more Orkz >Tell'm to let'm know >Our boss is the strongest, our krew is da biggest, and our mekboyz are makin somethin mean. >We're goin after da humies >Dey'z all in one place now, just waitin ta get krumped
Jackson Foster
>I'm me, Brigitte >er, Sister Brigitte >er, Saint Brigitte >I'm not awake >I got hit pretty hard by something >It's different than when I was dead, though >I hope my Sisters aren't in trouble >I'm having weird dreams >dreams where I have lots of... sex >with boys and ladies >I don't actually have much experience with that though so it's kind of vague >there's a lot of kissing >then there's a voice that talks to me >"You can have all of this." >uh, that's okay >"We can make you adored by all." >my Sisters love me already and that's enough for me >"We can make you powerful." >I can fly and shoot holy lasers and that's already a little too much for me >"We can make you perfect." >I'm pretty sure the God-Emperor likes me just the way I am >I wake up >there's a Sister Hospitaler there- I know her, her name is Tamsin, she is my friend- and a Marine and a nice Chapter Serf boy >they tell me I got hit by a Blood Ravens dropship >I try to remember to apologize to the Blood Ravens, it's my fault, I'm still getting use to flying >Sister Tamsin wants to keep me for observation but I feel fine >I know the Emperor protects me
Grayson Thomas
>Be Sister Terese >Finally getting a break >Hear that Crazy Eyes is on her way back with extra minor Orders >Oh well won't that be fun >Still in hot shit due to Charlotte and the Eldar incident >Fuck you Charlotte >I'm glad your cape is fucking gone >Having to bunk in a tent while they get this shit set up. >This weird purple and pink lady comes into my tent and starts coming on to me >Guess she's a xeno or something >Pretty cute actually, just how I like it, I won't tell that she's around >hear her out as I light up a lho >She says that she has come to seduce me, and is telling me to submit to the will of something or other >Tell her that's cute kid >But that's not how this fucking works around here >Sister Terese does the seducing, not the other way around >mfwsmug >Ten minutes later I have her bent over and begging for it >Tell her to praise the Emperor if she wants more >I had some weird experiences in Schola, okay? We all fucking did. >She seems to not want to so I get convincing. >She starts to Praise the Emperor like I tell her too >Suddenly she mouth just starts like, shooting flames and shit >Her heads on fire >Realize that I must have done some serious drugs >Its pretty cool though, whatever >I hallucinate that she fucking just burns up into nothing while screaming "not again" >Wake up later and she's gone. > I'd say 4/10 pretty average.
>Be Sister Charlotte >Receive word that Boss Crazy Eyes is returning >Fuck now I'll have even more planning to do after the wedding >Looks like this wedding is gonna kick off a whole Crusade >Sounds bitching >Shame about having to deal with other sisters >not looking forwards to that >Fuck those Black Sepulchre chicks in particular >Need to go get these lazy bitches together to help me out >As I'm wandering around this purple and pink xeno comes up to me and starts talking about temptation and riches and shit >I tell her if she wants to get into the temptation business, go tempt Sister Olga with donuts you dumb bitch >She seems to be considering this >As she's distracted I disintegrate her head with my melta >Fucking Xenos, doesn't look like we got all of them. >Have to go get some of the junior sisters into sweep squads to burn any xenos around here >Or fuck anything that looks like a xeno >I start by applying my melta liberally to whats left of this xeno, and the surrounding area >Imagine its some Black Sepulchre cunt while I'm doing it and it makes me feel a little better. >mfw one of the junior sisters asks if I'm okay and what I'm laughing about
>Be me, Gutthurian Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified >Some of the other guys like to razz me by callin me The Gut because sometimes I like to snack on a few of the fallen after a battle so I've got a bit of a belly. >But I don't mind, they're just Josh'n me and we're all friends. >BloodBrothers.jpeg >We've been havin' a heck of a time on this planet. There have been such an interesting and diverse collection of people and xenos here to kill. >It can be really eye opening to engage with different types of people from different backgrounds in melee combat. When you learn about others, you also learn about yourself. >Plus, we've made some new friends. Me and the rest of the marines each take on a couple of "littles." That's what we call the humans from the warzone who end up seeing the the light. >You'veGotAFriendInKhorne.mp3 >We teach them the basics, let'm get their chain axes wet. And this world has been just great for that. >But our little buddies seem ready to move on, and these little skirmishes just aren't doing it anymore. >AllGrownUp.heresy >Apparently the bulk of the imperial forces have gathered in one place under an adorable little preacher and some Sisters of Battle. It sounds like a really fun trip for the whole warband. >Plus, I have to admit, I'm a bit of a foodie. >And I just have to know what Living Saint tastes like.
>be Canoness >traversing the Warp on the way back to that worthless hellhole of a planet >opening stages of this inevitable clusterfuck of a Crusade are in full swing >Imperial forces deploying into several adjacent systems >was hoping to get another couple of weeks of peace and fucking quiet but here we are >have the cushiest quarters aboard the grand cruiser Emperor's Bright Corona >reclining on the comfy chaise lounge >tactical meeting with Palatine Sara >she has some non-Militant Sister there playing a slide guitar and fucking whistling >we're in private you stupid tramp you don't need to keep up your "super cool gunslinger" facade >nobody fucking cares >say "It's comforting to know we've not left the mixing of music and war solely the domain of the Great Enemy." >she smiles and says "I'm certain your Order would torment such powers even at their own games, Canoness." >cunt I will fucking filet you >bad enough that my own Order is full of whores that can hardly spell my title who think they could do better >almost wish I and the Celestians Superior would get eaten by a Mawloc or something >Emperor willing I could watch Sister Olga or Sister Charlotte try and run things >not sure how either could spend twenty minutes directing a battle line without a cock or a doughnut stuffed in their mouths >realize I'm probably going to find out when I arrive >those useless cows better have gotten things in order >pray to the Emperor that I missed that fucking wedding
>Be me, Sister Olga >And everything is SO unfair! >I was doing such a great job. I was polishing that armor so thoroughly, I got in every nook and cranny. >And I kept all of their weapons nicely greased. Sometimes I'd be working two at a time just to keep up with demand. >And then these jealous bitches dragged me back here. >Now I'm stuck here, constantly surrounded by filthy maniacs instead of the big, strong, perfectly chiseled battle brothers who gave me such satisfying work. >MyExWasBigger.png >There isn't a weapon in this tent city of filthy hicks I'd sully my hands with. >Hell, I bet it even takes Sister Lydia 7 drinks instead of the standard 5 before she starts slutting around in this town. >So yeah, I've been a little depressed. Which is exactly what they want. They're trying to destroy me. >They dragged me back here, so I've been looking for ways to fill the void. >IceCreamIsBetterThanPeople.mp3 >So then they make fun of me but I like don't even care. I'm honestly the most fit of all of them. Skinny bitches can't even handle a heavy Bolter without thoroughly bracing it. >Brigitte is the only one that never talks shit, but I can always hear the condescension. >"Don't say that Olga, we're all sisters and we all love each other!" >"Would you like some of this salad Olga? It's really good, and really healthy!" >"Oh I'm sure that you'll find a really NICE man someday sister Olga." >Blah blah blah I'm a living Saint. >Like, who even cares? You're not that special Brigitte.
Easton Allen
>be Jin Grimmer, ex-factory linesman currently a holy warrior >seperated from his Eminence and my holy brothers.. >follow a crowd to some kind of lineup, must be a chow line >gonna get me some vittles >i must say this is the strangest chowline i've ever been in, and im pretty sure the guy in front of my is missing his face >almost my turn... wait, why is this guy in front of me kneeling? nothing for it, i'll kneel too >hmm, that is a strange looking marine, and is that somebodies skin he's wearing? >wtf.jpeg >so apparently im Cultbrother Boilrage now >at least im eating better than i was before, got me a nice bowl of stew, rich and meaty >if the heretics eat like this everyday i may just have to stick around >my battlebuddy, Bloodgutter, taught me how to do the Khorne Chant, and i think the Berzerkers are warming up to us, just the other day one of them gave me some tips on how to get a good rev out of a chainsword before gutting the sacrifice. >now we're headed off to some kind of gathering, not sure where or why, but i heard some of the marines talking about a barbecue, so im grabbing any good sized firewood i can. >maybethingsarelookingup.gif
>Be me, Imperial Fist Sargent Thorn >Receive word from my Captain that my company and a few other companies are to embark to a system that from what we can gather has no real strategic value to it and fortify the shit out of it >Initially I questioned the tactical decision of this but my Captain just responded "Trust me Brother Sargent you will see why we have to fortify it" >Whatever.Fist >Upon arrival at the system our battle barge was already taking fire from... everything >I am not joking, any enemy of the Imperium you can imagine is at this system for some reason >I then learn that this wasn't even the most active stage of the on going conflict in this system, in fact it used to be worse until some warp fuckery that involved a time traveling planet from an alternate dimension replaced the original one >WTF.Dorn >Thing only got worse on the ground when we realized that all necessary building materials have been either used up by some local bishop for his wedding or were stolen by the Blood Ravens >Fucking Magpies >With nothing else to use we resort to using the questionably high amount of bodies and wreckage for our fortification operation. >We also notice their were signs of the entire planet being on fire though considering the Salamanders and Sisters were here that is no surprise >All things considered, I thought that maybe this wouldn't be so bad >I was wrong, terribly wrong
Samuel Brown
>Be me, Drathor Artix, proud member of the Impe-I mean, Gore Hounds. >It's been a weird day, not like "Hey you ever ACTUALLY seen a purple greenskin?" weird, but "I don't remember the forecast calling for a blood shower" weird. >Rolled out of my bunk, alarms ringing, people screaming, get moving. >Can't even get my boots on before we're being led to front lines. >ThisIsHowYouGetKriegerFoot.gif >Stumble out into mud, manage to slam home a magazine into autogun. >Emperor damned Astra Miliwhatevers with their fancy las weaponry. >Hear an ungodly howl coming across horizon, lads around me bracing. >Some officer twat talking about how we'll do families proud. >Gets about halfway through speech, stops. >Howls getting louder, see enemy coming. >Hear the whistling in the air, see the shapes forming into figures. >Thought hit me a moment before the artillery, duck down. >WeGettingShelledByOurGuns.wtf >Get up, see a big fether coming our way. >Lads start shooting. >Join the PDF they said, girls love a guy in uniform they said. >Manage to hear an order. >"AFFIX BAYONETS!" >Cue murder boner. >Bring up The Icebreaker >Yeah, I named my knife. >It was an heirloom, my grandfather got it during his tour of duty. >See the lads, shooting at this big monster man. >Feth it, better die doing something cool. >Run at top speed. >I can do this. >I can take this grox brained lug. >Slip on the blood of my comrades. >EmperorSaveMe.gif >Feel a big thunk. >I actually stabbed him, right in the sweet spot between his big shoulder things. >He looks at me. >I look at him. >"So...uh....I gue-" >Don't even see the hit. >Ah well, at least I scratched him >Hear laughing, horrible, laughing. >It's the traitor. >He's going hysterical. >Holds out Icebreaker. >"Welcome aboard." >Look around. >The lads are dead. >Imperials retreating. >See one of the big red fethers actually eating the officer. >"Good to be a part of the crew." >Atleast officer won't be needing his boots anymore. >Very weird day.
>Be Marcus >Be in bar, laughin at the 20 thrones I got from Lloyd >Shoulda known better than to take on the booze king >Thens i’m Talkings wif this big guy ‘bout something, Is dun no it’s all blurry. >musta pished him off cuz then he punches me fer no reason >So me mate Lloyd jumps in, then that guy’s friends jump in, and then everyone’s fightin >And then somebody pulled out a krak nade and that’s when we left >didn’t see what happened after, hope it’s okay >on the bright side, didn’t have to pay my tab, >still payed half cuz I felt bad though >so now we’re walkin along an singin >actually what are we singin? >well we’re singin it. >hear beepin noise, must be a landmine >guessi’lljustdie.drunkcast >realize that I’m not dead, an that the noise is comin from a box in me pocket >oh yeah, forgot bout that >” ‘ello?” “WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?!” >oh it’s Fessus >”Hey Sarge, we were just-“ “Save it, I know you’re both drunk, are you still at the bar and is Decarus with you?!” >geez what’s got him his ass- “The Commissar knows we’re here and he’s got a BANEBLADE We need to get out now! Now where’s Decarus!?” >Oh >Shitjustgotreal.boozecruise >alright think Marcus, think. >Dammit! This was a lot easier about 20 or somethin shots ago! >The last time I saw Decarus was on the Holly in the bar >he was help some poor gel who got in an accident an- >”The Hospital!” “Great, we’ll meet you there and pick you up! Try not to die. Fessus Out” >Pick us up? >In what? >bugger it, we’ll find out when we get there! >Here’s hoping we can still run straight.
>Be future version of Commissar >Sitting at the far edge of the only bar left in this system reading up on reports of those weird looting Necrons when some Stormtroopers walk into the bar >Realize after they got drunk that these are the same stormtroopers me and the original version of myself were looking for >Jackpot.firingline >Was able to report this to original me while at the same time watch some of the amusing antics of these Stormtroopers and get some info on them in case they somehow escape >At least it was amusing until the guy he was getting in a fight with pulled out a krak grenade and made the cowards leave >Shoot the guy with the krak grenade with my laz revolver due to forcing me to shadow the stormtrooper which is difficult when your armor color scheme usually stands out when the entire planet is a ash color >Or at least I thought until I realized they were so drunk they probably didn't even recognize who I am >decide to follow them and instruct original version of me to where they are going >can't wait to see their dual commissars arrive at the one place they thought they were safe at.
Xavier Watson
>Be Fessus >And Fuck is it awful! >Get out of long ass meeting about Time Travel bullshit hat I had to attend because I’m a Sergeant now which means I have to be in the know about things >Fuckresponsibility.itblows >find out that the reason we were used as bait is because This Angel’s Lansing has a strict “No Magpies policy” >It seems Bishop Boy and a bunch of others are still sore about the whole “losing a planet ending bomb and almost destroying time” business >Our bosses apparently had to sneak in after us, >No wonder they sent the stormtroopers out on a milk run >if they had sent out a regular chapter serf, he’d have gotten torn to shreds. >oh well, what’s done is done, not like we’ll be here too long. >Find our Phil is the only one who came back >Everyone else is still dickin around in the city >Fuck >but it get’s worse >overhear Commissar talking about spotting 2 deserter stormtroopers at some bar and heading over there to execute them >Fuck! That must be Marcus and Lloyd! >Get word that the whole place is suddenly on high alert and looking for us after a Blood Raven ship accidentally beaned a Living Saint in the head >FUCK! >How the fuck do I get my boys and get out before everyone else gets them? >Fortunately I don’t have to answer that, as Force Commander Morgenson was nice enough To provide a Rhino and driver for the purpose of “Protecting chapter assets” >Call up Marcus, asshole’s drunk as expected but Lloyd’s with him and they’re both still functional >And Marcus is being less of a whiny dick than usual. >Nice to know that all you need to do is poison his liver to get him to stop grousing >Get directions and set up meeting point >Assuming Marcus is right as long As Decarus hasn’t moved too far, it oughta be a simple matter of- >OH SHIT IT’S A FUCKING BANEBLADE!
>Be Scout Marine Zhang >Be pretty pissed off >Chapter is called the Purple Stars, what a fucking stupid name >Colors are boring tan with purple trim and that stupid Purple Star >Was pretty hyped to be a space marine. >Seems so long ago now >Problem is our fucking Librarians >Uppity motherfuckers who dress in black >What the fuck is wrong with blue >Also have a fetish for fucking prognostication >Superstitious morons totally scared of Chaos >God I bet we have traitor lineage or some shit >Have the whole chapter fucking around on stupid missions that are apparently super important to foiling chaos just because some psychic twats got high and saw some spooky shit >Stuck on this clusterfuck of a planet scouting out drop zones. >Find the Crusade deployment zone its a huge cluster >See lots of dead Xenos, don't know what the fuck chaos has got to do with this but apparently they're out here >Or, the fuckers hallucinated it and we're wasting our time.
Ryan Flores
1 of 2 >Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop >Things are going pretty well, and having the Sisters of Battle around has been such an inspiration for everyone. I feel like I've really started to form a close bond with them. >There was admittedly a little bit of awkwardness when I accidentally called Canoness Konstanzia mommy before she left, but everyone misspeaks sometimes. >There is just something about her that seems so nurturing, but I can't quite put my hands on what it is. >MassiveMysteries.jpg >I have also really bonded with Sister Brigitte, because I understand what she's going through. Being the Emperor's chosen is a heavy burden, so we've had a lot to talk about. >Sure there is only one person in the galaxy with the Aquila birthmark while there are other living saints so technically I'm way more special if you do the math. But still, it's similar. >ChosenONE.aquila >Sister Terese has been a real inspiration. Though we haven't spoken much, every time I see her she is comforting one of this war torn world's widows. Honestly, there is probably a lot I could learn from her as far as tending to the needs of the women amongst my flock. >Sister Lydia has become something of a legend given what she did against the necrons. I suggested that it might be great if she could train some of the men and women we have driving the new vehicles. >Unfortunately, she was unavailable. Apparently whenever she is not engaged in battle she dedicates all of her time to personal prayer and so she doesn't have time to train troops. It must be working though, she obviously has the Emperor's blessing. >Sister Olga keeps calling me "little guy" and I don't like her very much. My betrothed says she's just angry that she's fat. >IAmNotLittle.bitch >I like Sister Charlotte best of all. Not only has she been a huge help with the wedding and hit it off with my betrothed, but her dedication to finding and exterminating heresy has given me time to deal with other issues...
Good fucking choice man! I know I gave you that pick, but i approve!
Noah Morales
2 of 2 >But I have had other... frustrations >My betrothed had an interesting idea, suggesting that we should abstain from sharing the marital bed until after the ceremony. I told her that I believe we're already married enough in the eyes of the emperor, but she was insistent. >Since then I've been heading out to the lines a lot. Perhaps this is also part of the Emperor's plan, reminding me of the importance of killing the enemies of the Empire. >That must be it, because since my betrothed and I have begun abstaining, I only really feel the emperor's peace when I'm shooting things. >WhyAreTheyBlue?.png >Unfortunately, I'm not supposed to get close enough to the enemy to use my flamer anymore. And my betrothed won't let me use a plasma gun. >She says she's worried that if I get any "weird gross burns" from using one, they may be too hard to differentiate by the Emperor given burns that I received. >Instead I've been using an Mk II Cawl Pattern Stalker Bolt Rifle. It honestly would have been too big for me before, but my new arm has given me the strength to wield it. >Obviously, this is why the emperor replaced my arm. >I may also use my renewed strength to motivate that barely converted Seneschal to hurry up the wedding preparations. If I had known about my betrothed's "Purity Before Marriage" idea before, I might have ordered the construction of a town instead of a city. >And I swear to the emperor if I catch him staring at my betrothed's ass again I'm going to have him castrated. >I really really need to get... married
>Be Sargent Thorn >Its only been a few days since we landed and yet things are already starting to get even stranger >Just today I saw the Bishop I keep hearing about from everybody on this planet only to find out he is a fucking teen with burn marks and a fucking massive arm >That arm would look out of place on a Terminator and much less a kid >I swear that arm should be on one of the Primaris marines in my company, doesn't help that the kids main weapon is something only one of those fuckers can use >From their I saw the magpies engages in some weird pissing contest with each other over who can loot the most shit from this hell hole >One of those magpies even tried to steal our bone fort >On the topic of bone fort >Due to our force usage of corpses as fortifications we started attracting Chaos cults due to them thinking we were one of them >Admittedly at first it was fun shooting down hordes of traitors, it got annoying when the daemons started mistaking us as followers of their degenerate gods >worse offenders are the Nurgle ones who make the base somehow have a more putrid smell to it >we can't even use fire to cleanse the place of taint anymore due to it likely setting off a chain reaction that will make the base explode >any attempts to contact the Imperial Fists for actual building materials has gone no where since the fucking Phalanx was nearly destroyed again >How the anything is capable of destroying that fort, especially one made with the help of our Primarch is beyond me >Any hope I had left of this place not being some sort of cluster fuck was when I saw some Commissar riding a blaneblade to the only bar on this planet just to shoot some deserters along with picking up a future version of himself >Emperorpreserveme.Dorn
Charles Flores
Shit, how did I mess that up? I missed the Primaris part when I saw the description. I'll come up with something to further explain how he was using that next post and get him switched off to a Stalker Boltgun. I was just looking for something comically large and long range.
Oliver Thomas
Its fine, if anything it just adds to the humor of the priest and can be used for further proof of Big E helping the Bishop
Owen Rivera
>be Canoness >if you can stand the curse of always being right, that is >pop out into real space near Ludicrum >find that a fair few of the fleet's escorts are still floating around back in the Warp >maybe they'll turn up in a few days, or a few hundred years, or before they left, or not at all >immediately attacked by a few wayward Tyranid craft >are they really "craft"? >or just very large, spacefaring Tyranids? >ponder this over a glass or three of rosé from an observation deck as the fleet engages them >Navy-ing is not my department >"With enemy forces already in withdrawal, the planet will make an excellent staging ground for the opening stages of the Crusade." >fat fucking chance >unfortunately my concerns were downplayed in the course of strategic planning >watch Imperial forces deploy around this stellar fiasco of a planet >not just Guard and Space Marine transports, but terraforming project ships as well >here to pick up the reigns on the process accidentally started by setting huge areas of tundra on fire >admittedly the Sisters of the Ermine Mantle had a fair hand in that, to say the least >get to my own lavishly furnished landing craft, full Celestian honor guard from the Ermine Mantle, Golden Light and Black Sepulchre in tow >can't wait to see what's been freshly fucked up in my absence
>Be Sister Charlotte >Less than a day before Crazy Eyes Lands >I have to have the wedding ready to go like, right then. I know if she has to spend any more time than she has to on it we're fucked >Thankfully I managed to convince a nice Rogue Trader arranged to have one of those portable cathedrals dropped in here >Can't believe how many functionaries I had to convince to get to talk to him though >Thankfully there are just a shit ton of volunteers here - unskilled but eager >The more technical stuff is a little more difficult though. >I'm going to get the nice laundry ladies to help me with the wedding dress, but the problem is good catering >And it fucking chokes me to say it, but only one person is a good enough cook to manage anything with the shitshow of supplies we have here >My lot is suffering, but I can't piss off Crazy Eyes at this point when I'm just starting to get in her good graces >Time to talk to that whore Terese >Bitch is a cow, but she is a damn fine cook >She probably learned to do it to try and lay Olga, the slut >I bet you can lay Olga if you have a donut on a stick though >I waste twenty minutes trading passive aggressive insults with her before finally trading her a ton of recaf to do the job. The good shit too. >Fucking Crazy Eyes better appreciate the work I put into this >Who am I kidding I fucking love weddings. >Also I have a card up my sleeve to impress Crazy Eyes >Got a bunch of these lazy fucks to do something useful and carve a statue for the square in front of the Cathedral of Konstanzia herself >That egotistical cow will just cream herself over it >Go with Terese to check up on how they are doing with that >Get there >Okay who the fuck is the sculptor >I am so fucked >The statue is fine >But its fucking naked >What sort of creative bullshit is this. Fuck artists. >Mfw I tell Terese to get me a fuck ton of purity seals, we're gonna have to give this statue some modesty the best we can >Thank the Emperor for purity seals.
>Be Decarus >Be doin absolutely fan-flippin-tastic >So get this, first off, there actually was a place that sold candies and flowers by the hospital, Imagine that! >I was gonna bring both of them as a “get well/sorry my bosses accidentally bashed your skull in” gift, but I ran into a grumpy, slightly plump looking Sister who appropriated the candy for herself. >I tried explaining that it was for someone in the hospital, but the way she glares at me said she probably needed it more anyways. >Still though, I get the flowers >Big Guy marine is also there too. >the Sister wakes up, >apparently her name is Brigitte >Brigitte, that’s a nice name, >so anyways, the Doc says that she’ll be fine, but that she shouldn’t exert herself too much just in case. >Suddenidea.lightbulb >I suggest that she should probably do something easy, like, take a walk, just to see if everything works >O am technically a medic, so I could tag along just in case something goes wrong >Everyone else seems to agree. >Yes.heckyeah >Operation “Go on a seemingly innocuous outing that is secretly a pseudo date with your crush because you’re too much of a coward to actually ask her out” is a go! >Spend a lot of time talking with her about nothing really, >She’s actually a really sweet and down to terra girl >she has sort of calming aura and manner, like you could open up to her about anything >Honestly, I felt silly about being so nervous in the first place. >Anyways it just so happened that the only Theater in town was a short walk away, and since I happened to have some Spare cash, i offered to treat her to one as an apology on behalf of my bosses for bashing her skull in >They only had one Holovid currently. Don’t remember what it was called but it was awful >still had fun the whole time cracking jokes and making fun of it though >Have I ever mentioned how beautiful her laugh is >Honestly, this day has been going absolutely perfectly, >positively nothing could ruin it.
>Be me, da Killa Kan >Da warboss has been treatin me like his pet Grot since my plan started comin tageva' >Don't he realize I ain't a Grot no more? >Fink about stompin 'im, swear I am, but decide not to. >YerLucky.gif >Get a brand new red paint job, and he Getz da mekboyz to weld some extra dakka armor on me, sez just a kan ain't enough to keep some squishy chatty Grot alive. >Would give him the chop if I didn't need him ta gatha the boyz >Has a KillaKan ever been Warboss? Maybe I'll work on dat once we kill all da humies. >Progress.kanlife >Between my cleva scheme wif da Grotz and da weird boyz, we've managed to pull all da boyz togeva almost. >Had a Buncha da purple boyz lookin in on da humies. Dey'z sez da humies keep shootin, but most of'm are gettin ready for some sorta non-shooty party NotAPartyWithoutShootas.waaagh >Stupid humies. >Moment dat party starts, we'z gonna sweep in there and show' how ta have a good time.
>I'm Brigitte >I got released from the hospital but they assigned a medic to follow me around for a bit >I told Sister Tamsin I really didn't need it, I'm fine >I already got healed from being dead so a bonk on the head isn't that bad >He is nice though >We went to the theater, there was only one show but it was really good >He seems like a fun friend >And I like that he says my name right, he calls me Brigitte instead of "Brigitte" like some of the Sisters do >But sometimes he looks at me the way Sister Terese does when we're in the baths on Tomis >It reminds me of the weird dreams I had before >Maybe he has that Florence Nightingale syndrome >I wonder if I should introduce him to Olga >Or maybe Charlotte, but she isn't as shy with boys >Charlotte! I forgot all about the wedding >Canoness Konnie comes back soon and I know she was excited for the wedding, I wanted to surprise her by having everything ready when she arrived >I was hoping we could have her be the one to marry them >Or have them married? >The thing where you stand in front of them and have them say the words >But then I got sidetracked by fighting a giant Ork robot and getting run over by a Space Marine ship and going to the theater >I get about a block and a half running towards the cathedral before I remember that I have wings
>Be Blood Raven Chaplain Gordius Greedius >In orbit above this crenelated asshole of a planet on the Battle Barge Claimitus Rex >Offloading of our valuable chapter relics and gifts to Metallus Bawkses was successful, and Bawkses has left orbit. >vox is sputtering about some wedding and magpies >What the Throne is a fucking magpie? >Most of the company has deployed to the surface to liberate the Imperial Temple. >It shall not fall to the xenos, the heretics, or the blighted monstrosities infesting this Groxs' elbow of a planet. >Is that another Imperial Battle Barge I spy in orbit? >starshine on the hull, can't make out the sigil >Servitors at the scanners say it's the Imperial Fists. >Fucking bumblebees. >Suddenly feel divine inspiration >Surely it's the God-Emperor, reaching out to me. >servitors confirm that the Fists have deployed to the surface. >They've left the battle barge unattended. >This is a serious dereliction of protocol. >We'll secure their Battle Barge for them, just this once. I'm certain they'll be effulgent with their praise. >We'll let them know it was us that secured their Battle Barge by slapping our own sigil on it. >And piloting it out of orbit for them. >I mean, heck, we did that with the Salamander's Battle Barge, and we haven't heard a peep of complaint from them.
Jose Robinson
>Be Commissar driving Baneblade >Future me has enabled his tracker allowed me to pin point his location and by extension those two desserters >Noescape.vox >Suddenly out of no where, a fucking land raider crosses my path >Had to pull of some move that some Newguard fags keep calling drifting to avoid it >I was about to complain when I noticed the land raider belong to the magpies >nope.voxcast >high tail it out of there before the driver of said raider can get his fingers on me or my tank >check status again of future me >Realize I am only a minute away from him and by extension those two traitors >Can actually see him on top of the hill and after a brief message he confirms the traitors are on the other side >Have him hop on and decide to start playing this Primo Victoria song from some ancient Terra singing group known as Sabaton and go full speed on the Baneblade >I fucking can't wait to see the look on those two cowardly faggots when they see me
Hudson Clark
>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified >I have been having a fantastic time getting to know some of our new Littles >Cultbrother Boilrage has been cracking everybody up, the guy has a really dry sense of humor. The stuff he was saying about consuming the flesh of his former comrades in this resigned deadpan tone was a genuine laugh riot. >ThisStewWasMyCommander.lmao >This other new guy Drathor Artix managed to stab a fully armored marine with just a knife! So he's a big hit with everyone. >He calls his knife icebreaker which we all think is pretty cool. A lot of us are naming our blades now. >Calling my chainaxe "The Chef", because it prepares my food. >GetIt?.cannibalism >Now we do get into a bit of hazing with the new guys, but we make sure everybody knows it's all in good fun. >We'll pull a practical joke on a guy. Like we might give one of the smaller littles a marine sized chainaxe and have him try to use it. >After it's over though we make sure the guy knows that we all went through a bit of hazing and it's about giving us stories to bond over. Plus then we'll give the guy a fun nickname. >Like the little guy who had to use the big chainaxe? We all told him how crazy strong he is for his size. We call him Ork-Arms now, which he seems to like. >Anyway, apparently the loyalists are going to have some huge wedding soon. It sounds like they're really putting a lot into it. >The plan is to launch our attack during the ceremony. I'm really hoping I get to see this adorable little priest in his big boy formal attire before we kill everyone.
>Be Steve, a Fleshling >Flayed ones like I used to be don't phase out with the rest of the army >We just holovid and chill and get some new get-ups >Pretty sweet gig >I still have all my collection, but it's getting too much to lug around >I mean, most Fleshlings only have one set, but I've got about 13 >Still haven't got anyone to laugh at the 'Ork' joke when I'm draped in green >What a pain >And there's no more Necrontyr around to even help find more Fleshlings >I just want to kill other fleshlings >I swear that's all they- all WE do! >C'mon, Steve >Oh, hey there's two of them right now >And they look FABULOUS >One's pruple and one's pink >And they've got donuts >Talking about some Algie girl or something >I'll go introduce myself >Oh neat! They have claws too! >More crustacean than mine, but it's nice to find like-minded individuals >HELLO FLESHLINGS WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXTERMINATE-US EACH OTHER
>Well, that went well >I've got two more sets of epidermis >Oooh! >And some Donuts! >I'll see if I can find that Algow girl >She likes Donuts, right?
Caleb Jackson
>Be Ylyrya, Daemonette of Slaanesh >Have been banished back to the warp three times after a total of four failed attempts to seduce a Sister of the Ermine Mantle >Clearly these are some especially cunning and devoted servants of the Corpse Emperor, they've tricked me into banishment three times >Still, sixth time is the charm as they say in the Realm of Pleasure >Fifth time I'm gonna go see if this Sister Olga will betray her faith for a box of magically delicious warp donuts >In the unlikely event that this plan fails I am going to have to go for the big prize - tempting Canoness Konstanzia herself. >Am trying to plot this out when I get word that the fucking servants of Khorne are plotting something relating to the human ceremony that is about to go on. >Fuck shit >I'm going to have to try and make my move there to stop them from gaining a victory. If they slaughter everyone there's going to be no one to tempt. >Fuck everything, this job was supposed to be fun
These are fantastic but are they reversed? If I'm reading this right Steve is inadvertently saving Olga from scheme 5 mentioned in the next post.
Chase Anderson
Time moves differently in the warp, or something. Man, I dunno. Steve is just doing Steve things.
Joshua Jenkins
Man these are great everyone.
William Johnson
Agreed, might be even better than the first thread so far.
Mason Gutierrez
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop >Leading a crusade can be exhausting, so can rebuilding civilization. >A man has to find relaxation somewhere, and if it's not with his wife-to-be than he has to find other options. >Of course, my betrothed is the only woman for me. So instead I'm killing time before my big day by killing Tyranids and chatting with a few guardsmen and holy warriors. >The groups seem to be getting along better as a lot of my less capable followers have shifted to logistic roles within the holy site. >MoreFriendlyLessFire.png >One of the guys I'm shooting with used to be some sort of adept before the crusade, and had a lot of interesting stuff to say. >Haven't been any attacks by orks, chaos, or anything but Tyranids in awhile. The Adept explains that because of the sheer amount of bodies the war produced, we're probably going to be fighting Tyranids for a really long time. >One of the guardsmen suggests that this whole planet, holy site included, should have just been destroyed. >I resist the urge to set him on fire in the name of promoting fellowship amongst the troops. >Pardoned.gif >Some of the other guys are having trouble actually killing the bugs with their lasguns. >Suggest that they should use something bigger, like me. >Find out no one has ever seen a gun this big before. >Suggest they join the flamer crews that are burning the Tyranids up front to prevent them from reproducing. >Find out most guardsmen don't consider cleansing the xenos with holy fire an attractive proposition. >Most of them refuse to touch a flamer or fight in melee. >WhyLive.png >I see now why the emperor needed me, and this world, to craft him a new army. >Make a mental note that all of my guards should continue coming from the Ecclesiarchy. >Take a break from shooting to give a two hour long sermon on bravery and not wasting the life the emperor gave you by clutching to it too hard. I think the guardsmen needed to hear it.
Leo Brooks
>Be me, Ex-Governors (Whore/Cultist/Saint/Bethrothed of a) Daughter >Helping with the Wedding as good as I can, have not much time to play with my boy >Besides, while he is adressing the masses I am searching trough his quarters, maybe I find a dataslate hidden under the bed or something like that, wanna know what he is into >In unpurer times I would really enjoyed blueballing a guy for that long >But I wanna our wedding night be something special, so I will become the best wife this galaxy has seen >Maybe one of the Sistes can teach me cooking, will visit them >I don't know why, but I feel some presence near them... lurking... lusting after them... >RumorsaboutSororitaScholaInitationRituals.jpg >Looking for them, only find this weird gunslinger sisters, one of their leaders will teach me cooking >First thing she is a boy >women of Veeky Forums.webm >She is pretty nice, although she has a pretty loose mouth >All Recipes she new are Barbeque Stuff >But Babe, did you know that there are 5 ways to make spare ribs out of this dinos some of the eldar faggots ride?
Logan Scott
>Be Marcus >Be running as fast as My drunk legs can carry me >Almost run into a light pole a few times, but I’m alright >Make it to the hospital, >stroke of luck, Decarus is still there >He’s just sittin on a bench with this dazed look and this dumb smile on his face >tryin to explain to his overly sentimental ass why we need to get goin now >hear a click behind me >fuck it’s the Commissar >he’s only got a bolt pistol, but Lloyd an I are too drunk to aim and Decarus still just wistfully sittin there gushing about this “sister Brigitte or whatever” >besides fragging a commissar would probably look bad >wasn't he supposed to have a Baneblade or somethin? >start hearing this awful ruckus getting closer >I think the boys call it power metal >see this Baneblade practically fly up towards us with ANOTHER Commissar in the hatch >Can Baneblade’s even go that fast? >apparently so >start prayin to the Emperor >my prayers get answered when a landraider speeds in from the side outta nowhere in front of the Baneblade >forces it to swerve to avoid it >right into a nearby building >Bloody Hell >Almost runs over other Commissar, who has to jump outta the way, and stops in front of us >Notice it has a Bloody Magpies symbol on it. >The door opens up, it’s Fessus >don’t even wait for him to open his mouth, Lloyd an I grab Loverboy and pile in. >”Drive, Drive, Drive! Anywhere but here mate!”
>Be me, Drathor Artix of The Gore Hounds >Things have been getting better. >These traitor marines aren't so bad, they just have a drive to find the worthiest of enemies to defeat. >And then eat them. >They have been calling us little, so one of the cult started calling them Big'Uns. >It's caught on. >AlwaysWantedABrother.jpeg >The Big'Uns are sorting us into groups. >Keep saying it's for a big ceremony. Couple of the Big'Uns keep quoting some pictvid that came out a few years back. >WeddingSmashers or something, whatever. >Each Big'Un gets a few Little around him. >They say it's to give us some good experience. >IKnowAMeatshieldWhenISeeIt.gif >Get paired up with The Gut, along with a few other littles. >Including Ork-Arms. >He seems cool. >Still trying to use that chain axe though. >Keeps telling me it'll be like that show FURIOUS. >FethingChogoreebs.png >Start loading up into transports. >Still got Icebreaker. >Still got Autogun. >Guess we're going to a wedding. >I feel severely under dressed.
>Be Landraider driver Furantus >Currently Be in a high speed chance through Angel’s landing with a Fucking Baneblade. >This was supposed to just be a simple Extraction >This is ridiculous. >I mean, okay yeah so we might have almost destroyed the planet with a cyclonic torpedo >and we may have brained a Livving Saint in the back of the head >But those were both accidents! >And there was no lasting damage from either! >Seriously a Fucking Baneblade! >excessiveforce.holovid >It’s a good thing this Landraider was a gift from the white scars >decide to try and lose it through a busy looking section of town >This turns out to be a horrible idea, as a Landraider is only marginally smaller and less clumsy than a Baneblade >I just want to say, for the record, they while I may have caused my fair share of property damage, I did not damage the statue of the lady wearing a dress of purity seals over >I only bumped it, it Was the Baneblade that hit it. >Still doesn’t stop everyone else from joining the chase >On whose side I dunno, but I don’t want to find out >reach City gates thanks to my Chogoris drift skills >pic related >Then I see the 2 giant dust clouds making steady progress towards the city >Thatcan’tbegood.Litany >...perhaps I should use this brief period of not being chased to call Commander Morgenson for back up.
>Be Hive worker before this all started >Be witness to the whole shitstorm >lose everything >See my friends and family get cut down by Xenos, Heretics and friendly fire >watch as my home and everything I’ve ever known burned down in said fire. >fight in the holy Bishop’s crusade >Help build a city and establish around Angel’s Gate >Now, Be witness to the marriage of our Holy Bishop to his betrothed >The Emperor really does look out for those with faith >suddenly hear crashing sound >See a Fucking landraider and Baneblade tear through the ceremony like it’s some sort of demolition derby, destroying everything in their path. >Happen to be standing by the statue of Lady Konstanzia when the Baneblade hits it >Get my legs crushed by a giant stone arm.
Jacob Phillips
>be Canoness >Sororitas honor guard filed into a too-small landing craft >not me of course, I have my own private cabin next to the flight deck >much too small though, and no chaise lounge >at least brought a nice bottle of port from the stock aboard the Emperor's Bright Corona >going to need it by the time we land >bay is split between my own Celestian bodyguards, Palatine Sara's Golden Light folk battle choir and Palatine Barbastella's Black Sepulchre Repentias >figure that Sister Terese will have a field day with the latter >they dress them in black collared dresses and tall buckled boots instead of the traditional bondage nightmare chic >bunch of goth sluts might make any woman question her preferences >or would, if the grip of the warm, polished Catachan ebony gunstock of her master-crafted sidearm were not all the lover she needed >figuratively speaking >thoroughly unimpressed with the situation on the ground >only the respective strongholds of the remaining Imperial forces and the new Matrimonial City are considered "safe zones" >and relatively >the rest of the planet is full of remnant Tyranids and Orks >roving bands of homeless civilians and mass desertions from the former "holy army" are a breeding ground for heresy >at least it's not on fire anymore >although that might be an improvement >see the new city on landing approach >if I'd still been on the fence on privately doubting the Bishop's "divine provenance", employing the gaggle of careless harlots I left him as wedding planners and civil engineers wouldn't help >think his "Aquila" birthmark looks more like a manta ray anyway >maybe the Emperor intended him to be a fisherman
>Be Sister Charlotte >Be nearly about fucking dead >Canoness is here in a matter of fucking hours. No. Less than that. And the fucking statue fell over >Fuck, fuck, fuck this is your fault Terese >No I don't know how shut the fuck up >Okay whats the damage >Okay so it broke off at the feet, that can be fixed with some mechanicus science, don't panic >That arm and hand that were supposed to be gesturing munificently or something are in a bad way though >A lot of the purity seals fell off, Terese stop fucking staring at Statue Konnie's giant brazen ass >Also you fucking peasant stop bitching about your legs, this is OUR statue you are getting your blood all over >Start threatening workers with the melta and get the statue back up >Get as many purity seals back on to cover up the stupid nudity, though the dress is sort of shorter than I'd like, too many purity seals blew away >Oh well, looks good from the front, if a little short in the back >Get them to glue the arm back together >They just finish as Konnie arrives with the honor guard >Its just then that I notice that in putting the hand back together, they fucking messed up with the fingers >Now this cathedral has out front a statue of the Canoness, naked but for the purity seals, giving a gigantic middle finger to the city >mfwIhopenoonenotices.vox
>Be sister Lydia >Be way too hungover for this shit >Sister Hanna is also way too hungover, but that bitch doesn't need to do jack shit but nap in the gunner's seat >Fuck I have to go pick up Konnie >Fuck that purple bitch, if i find her I'll... oh yeah, she lit on fire >Okay I feel better I guess >Do my best to drive the repressor hung over >Am fucking late to pick up Connie because some fucking Tallarns or whatever at the checkpoint to the landing zone start bitching about women drivers >I am not in the mood so I tell them Sister Hanna will shoot them >mfwIcanbarelyunderstandtheiraccentsorjargon.vox >I don't know if the threat works, but they all seem reverent of Sister Brigitte, and afraid of Konnie, so I just lean on that. >Finally get the Canoness in the Repressor and drive her to the cathedral >Fuck what do you even chat to a Canoness about? This chauffeur thing is a lot different than combat, when there's just a lot of screaming >I prefer the screaming >Hanna actually nodded off I think, lazy bitch >"Guess there's a lot of Tyranids today, huh ma'am?" >Shit that was a bad move. Tyranids are always a touchy subject >I swear to god, number one method of death in this order is "Got Eaten by a Mawloc or other fucking massive buglizard thing" >Doesn't stop us saying we all hope each other get eaten by Mawlocs >We are a classy bunch of cunts >But this what you get when the Schola was as fucked up for all of us, and then the old Canoness gets eaten by a Mawloc >Not even in a combat scenario, just suddenly there was a Mawloc attack after our first deployment when we had an ad hoc graduation >The mechanicus explained that it had something to do with the vibrations the music at the afterparty >More like the vibrations of Olga walking around, amirite? >Man, I really lose my train of thought easily >Oh good we're here >What the fuck is with that statue?
>Be Commissar riding Blaneblade >Was just about to run over the deserters when out of fucking no where the land raider I avoided earlier pops out of no where >It only get worse when a Guardsman opens to the door to the Landraider and the other two jump in >WTF.vox >Decide to say fuck it and give chase to the landraider after picking up future me and asking the damn driver why the magpies have my stormtroopers >Of course though the pilot keeps avoiding me and I run into some statue of that crazy eyed Canoness who leads the Sisters on this planet >I would be more concerned though the other Sisters are to busy freaking out over the statue falling over and its current lewd state to the point where its kinda amusing >Anyway I was going to give chase again to the magpie landraider when I noticed two clouds in the distance >Future me grabs his binoculars to see what it is and almost immediately tells me we are going to get swarmed by Orks and Beserkers >Ohshit.Heresy >Decide to forget about the deserters for now and contact all available Cold Shoulder Regiments to get their asses to the city and me and my future self rush around the city to find the Bishop and inform him of the battle to come >This gets complicated as this city doesn't really accommodate for Imperial tanks >Acidentalvehicularmanslaughter.hive >At least they died for the Emperor
Caleb Hall
>be me, kalabite half born >I don't even remember were I am >Fuckingdrugsman.venom >Kinda remember pilling into a venom with my squad >Nothing after that >Be wandering a blasted waste land >One of thousands on this planet >Radar says I'm still in "friendly" territory >Hear some loud bangs in the distance >Don't really care >Someone seems to be putting on a laser light show >But pointed at me >... >... >Oh I'm being shot at "GRENADE" >Someone yells. Sounds female, eldar. >Quickly dive into near by crater >Land on something, probably a rock >Look around the hole >Fucking wyches >Byvectsdick.hypex "Please don't ki-" >Hear an explosion >Really close >Like really really close >Ears ringing >Kinda tired now >Probably the drugs >See the most beautiful face look at me in shock >She says something but ears still ringing >Fuck it I'm gonna go to sleep
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop >Back to shooting after I finished giving a speech to the cowards of the Imperial Guard. >Halfway through my sermon one of the guardsmen commented that he was ready to die for the emperor. >OneSoulAtATime.png >Get a message on the vox. >Apparently there is some land cruiser being chased around by a fucking tank through my city. >I hate the guard. >Told that the land raider is with the Blood Ravens >HERESY.blam >But the tank is crewed by some commissar running around with some sort of evil warp duplicate >DOUBLEHERESY.blam >Want everyone involved dead, but I can see how this will go down. Everything destroyed and the wedding ruined. How did a tank even get clearance? >The Warp spawn is making some wild predictions. As if I'm going to listen to some daemon. >Find out that the tank destroyed the statue of the Canoness. >ChaosIsScrewed.crazyeyes >Get on the Ecclesiarchy vox channels >Send instructions that the chaos spawn should be separated from that tank peacefully, don't want shooting by the Cathedral >How come I don't have a statue?
Just FYI, I'm planning to have both the Killa Kan and Gut launch their attacks during the ceremony to give everyone a climax. But I thought we were done with time travel?
Justin Jones
Trying to keep things mostly story but if somebody has a question or something feel free, especially when the thread needs a bump.
>I thought we were done with time travel We're done doing it, but it already happened. Future Commissar is a remnant of a defunct timeline.
Luke Sullivan
>Continue to be Scout Marine Zhang >Still pissed, but things are a little better since Brother Augustan showed up with bikes >Now we're rolling >This chapter is still a rip off, it will take forever to make actual Space Marine >We run extra Scout Companies just to cater to those psyker fuckers need to investigate all their fucking wet dreams or whatever >So Augustan and I are just chilling camping out when suddenly we see some shit >Get out the binocs Auggie >Oh fuck that does look like Chaos >Looks fucking Khornate >Guess we gotta go warn the city >If they laugh at our name they can fuck right off though.
Xavier Green
>Be Fessus >Narrowly survive a far too thrilling Chase through the city >Good news, Commissar(s) gave up on chasing us >Bad news, it’s because they were more concerned with the Giant Fuckheug armies coming towards >Fuck >FFFFFUCK! >Emprah-dammit I thought we were done with these ridiculous Clusterfucks >of Course not, why would I think things would be nice for me for once. >We’re gonna have to call the Commander for reinforcements on this one. >I mean, we are gonna have to defend this place. >The Magpies May like Nicking stuff, but they’re still Space marines after all >Besides it’s not like we can just leave all these people here to die >I mean, yeah we are technically sill deserters, but that was only because we thought everyone else was gonna die anyways. >I just hope we have enough time for Marcus and Lloyd to sober up >and for Decarus to stop mooning about his new Girlfriend >No Decarus I don’t wanna know what her favorite color is, or her favorite movie, or about how worried and caring she is about her Fat Sister Olga, or what she smells like, just shut the fuck up! >I think I preferred it when he was mopey about her. >who would have thought Phil would be the least troublesome out of all of them?
>Be Future Commissar >Decide I will be the one to meet the Bishop Boy to discuss our most recent tank chase and how to defend this city from the hordes coming to either burn and rape it, or just coming to loot it >Though its a bit late for the looting part since the Blood Ravens are here >Had to bolt down the Baneblade and leave original version of me behind just to make sure they don't try to steal it >Fuckingspacegypsies.vox >This is actually the first time I will actually see this bishop in person come to think of it >Pray to the Emperor he isn't like some of those other bishops and tries to flail me alive for being part of some warp time fuckery >Notmyfault.warp >Hope it goes well
Ayden Morgan
>Be me, half born kalabite >Wake up from drug nap >Be in haemunculus den >Tactically shit my pants >Try and get up quietly "Good morning friend!" >Tactically shit my self again >Turn around and see... >A somewhat normal looking haemunculus >Ask what happened and why I'm here "You died! Fell on a grenade you did!" >Huh. That's what I landed on >Wait, I died? >Whatever >Ask why I got rezzed over some else "A.... Friend called in a favor." >He tosses me my armor and other shit I had that survived the explosion >Doc turned around and said I should get to the hangar >Start leaving when, but mod wat he slaps my back "Remember, were always looking for more trueborn!" >Fucking trueborn >Get to hangar and ask the coordinator what happened to my squad >They died, kinda like I expected >Get assigned to a raider >Movingup.drugs >Identify the raider by the graffiti >Hop in, first to arrive like usual >Sit in the Gunner seat of the front cannon >Think about drugging up, but decide against it >Put on helmet so no one thinks I'm sleeping >Take a nap >Wake up some time later >Don't want to turn around to see my new squad, first impressions and all that >Try and see them via reflections off the controls >Oh fuck it's the wyches >The same ones from before >They ignore me, thankfully >But this one with a spear is just stares at me with this weird expression >Fidget uncomfortably >Hear were going to crash a wedding or something >Oh, that should be a cake walk >Maybe I won't need to see the doc again
By Vects infinite libido I was wrong.
Luke Harris
>be Canoness >arrive later than scheduled because I didn't want to suffer the indignity of being forced to wait >sure enough, my personal Repressor is just pulling up on landing >can see the glow of minor fires several streets over >really don't know what I was expecting >shoot Sister Lydia "the look" as I get in with the Palatines >she's nervous >makes some pitiful attempts at small talk >just glare at her until she focuses on driving >the city looks nice, I must admit >the cathedral would be a 2/10 on Shrine World Tomis but it's passable >apparently Sister Charlotte had a statue of me installed in the square >not surprised, she's been licking my boots like she mistook them for her man of the hour ever since her promotion to Celestian >figure she's annoyed at Sister Olga being placed above her and is gunning for her own Celestian Superior position >not likely >maybe if Sister Katalin or Sister Radmila died in the Crusade >or Olga ate herself to a heart attack >it's not a bad statue >a good pose, tastefully nude with some nice faux purity seals for modesty's sake >but it's a little too thin >don't very much appreciate the implication that I might need to be flattered by a statue less than true to life >more importantly there is a heavy tank-sized scrape through the walls along the main street >local defense units are scrambling like they have someplace to be >go to find the Bishop and figure out just what the hell is going wrong currently >reflect that I always seem to be freshly arriving to a clusterfuck rather than being present for the start of one >really makes you think
>Be Sargent Thorn >Had to postpone any further fortification construction when all Imperial Fist Forces were recalled to our Battle Barge after the Magpies raided it >Fuckingmagpies.geneseed >Was hoping that the fucking necron raids would keep them away but they always find a way to steal anything that is not bolted down >Anyway after re-securing what was left of their "gift exchange" we received orders from our commander that we are to get ready for the Steel Reign maneuver over the wedding ceremony as a way to fight an upcoming raid by orks and beserkers >We are also instucted to keep shouting"Steel Reign" and "Battle Bruvas" to the Blood Ravens as some low key insult to them after we land >from what I heard its referencing some failure of a commander they once had >Unfortunately, it turns out their was a lot more then just orks and beserkers at that party
Aaron Torres
>Be me, Formers Planetary Head of State (High-Libido gifted promiscous Women) of a genetic female descendant >Those Cowgirl Sisters are really nice >Tell them about my wedding >Altough their brash and tough attitude some show liking to the story of our love >They tell me about some thing I could do in my wedding night. >Youwannarideme.jpg >DoyoulikeWhipsandLassosBabe.png >I am tempted to share some of my techniques with them, but don't wanna get burned on a stake >WhatIsYourTypeDontHaveOne.jpg >Decide to go to the Goth Sisters, maybe they can teach me something nice too.
>Be Strike Commander Morgenson >Be back aboard the Merciless Gift >Recieve Word that our Gifts are being stolen by Filthy Necrons >Our Battle-Brothers are Bravely fighting them off, but with so many gifts, and only so many brothers, it is a losing battle >Emprah dammit! >receive call from Brother Furantus and Stormtrooper Fessus that the settlement of Angel’s Landing is about to be besieged by Forces of Heretics and Orkz reminiscent of this conflicts earlier days and needs as much assistance as possible >It is woefully undersupplied for a conflict of this scale >Our Forces are already stretched thin as it is >And considering their opinion of us it’s likely they may not even accept our assistance. >Still we can’t just leave them to get slaughtered >what kind of Space Marines would we be? >.......... >I know what I must do >Order all able Batte Brothers to assist in the defense of Angel’s Landing, and to bring as many gifts with them as they can >Have to psyche myself up for the next part >”Brothers, this planet has given us so Much already...I think it is time we give back.” >It hurts me to say it, but it must be done, >Better than letting our gifts fall into the hands of Necrons >Withgreatpowercomesgreatresponsibility.voxcast
>Be Strike Commander Morgensen >Aboard the Strike Cruiser Merciless Gift >We are acting as a forward observer for the Claimitus Rex, getting a count of Necron ships in far orbit >Auspex and sensors cannot detect them as effectively at range >The Merciless Gift is faster than most large ships, and hopefully will stay out of weapons range >The Serf crewing Auspex station B informs me that there is a massive pressure spike in the armory >Potential teleport! >The Merci;less gift has only few brothers on board, but I gather them with me on a mad sprint through the decks >The armory doors are intact >Seven brothers stand with me, bolter or chainsword at the ready as I punch in the command to open blast doors >Inside, there is a trio of figures >Two stand with weapons trained at the door, while the third >The third... >He's picking up power weapons, looking them over, and throwing them in a pile >Occasionally he'll some interesting wargear and put it in a tiny cube >How's the even work? >He hasn't even noticed us >The two guards and my brothers stare each other down >Initiate Thievius coughs loudly >The third figure turns to face us, covered in ornamentation and runes >He tips his...diadem?...to us? >I raise my bolt pistol, ready to shout a challenge >It- IT'S GONE! >He's twirling it in his hand >Gasps and exclamations from my Brothers! >checktheclock.chrono >It'sGOtime.thief >I hold up his Orb of Resurrection >His two goons share a worried glance >His eyes narrow >He's got my power sword >I've got his Tachyon Arrow >He's wearing my helmet >I'm leaning on his staff >He's putting my Iron Halo on his Diadem >I've got his cube thing! >OH NO HIS CUBE JUST ATE INITIATE THIEVIUS >He's got my ammo belt around his waist >I've got his...uh...scarab icon? >Oh shit it's full of spiders! >And he has my Crux Terminatus >He tips his hat(and also my hat, that asshole) to me, and disappears with a audible pop >Boys, get the Claimitus Rex on the horn >It's Trazyn >Gift status: Red
Here. Oh shit did I fuck up the subplot you were trying to set up? I just thought since I hadn’t seen any one else use him in a while I could borrow him for a bit.
Ah dingleberries. I must have missed that one. To be fair, though, it does seem like something that he'd do.
Just retcon mine to before yours. Bam wham, thank you ma'am.
Nolan Perez
Well, you can have multiple subplots so long as it doesn't recreate the planet situation which this one shouldn't. Plus the multiple side stories made the last one great.
Logan Sanders
Why not keep both? The first post sets a reason why Strike Commander Morgensen would be heading to the armory in order to get gear to "gift" back to the locals where in the events of the second post occur. Thus setting up the next potential event in which Strike Commander Morgensen needs to return the gear so the city can defend itself but it's already been pilfered by necrons, thus requiring him to get creative ... possibly with that Tesseract he was so kindly gifted?
Jason Martin
This sounds good, we’ve already done this with Steve and the Daemonette Anyways. This also sounds interesting.
Anyways it’s up to whatever the creator of Morgensen wants to do. Switch the order, or keep as is?
Kevin Allen
>be Canoness >more precisely, Konstanzia Konstanza, Canoness Superior of the Order of the Ermine Mantle and all Adepta Sororitas within the Tomis Crusade >the Electric Eye of the Imperium, the Erythristic Ermine, Heroine of the Battles of Gilda's Hope, Kaliddeum IV and Stercus Ludicrum >cursed by heretics over a dozen systems, tested against every major foe of the Imperium of Man >.... >and wedding officiator >to be fair, I knew this was within the scope of my potential responsibilities when I took the position >just kind of glossed over it in favor of being able to execute citizens without trial and destroy continents from orbit >not like there was a shortage of marriage officiants on Shrine World Tomis, or much demand for one in Kaliddeum's mud-soaked trenches >the Bishop would be the one handling this if it weren't his own damn wedding >scouts reporting Ork and heretic forces clashing outside the city >they want to call off the ceremony >fuck no >there is no way I am hearing about this every day while I try to structure a Crusade >take personal command of the local defense units >order low-level bombardment of the outlying enemy forces >direct Astartes drop pod support >move up the timeline for landing reinforcements from the Crusade fleet >fortify the streets of Angels' Landing leading to the square >fill the cathedral with Sororitas from all three Orders >stash my favorite Storm Bolter and four spare bolt drums behind the pulpit in the space there for that specific purpose >that useless should-be fisherman and his gold-digging whore are going to be married and out of my hair if I have to personally burn a thousand Orks to do it
>Be Original Commissar >Future me informs me after a brief meeting that the crazy eyed canoness has taken control of the local PDF forces to secure the ceremony and has started giving tactical advice to the Astartes in orbit >With new tactical knowledge of this I decide to instruct the regiments coming to the city to get into a formation with bane blades as the spearhead and two columns of Lemun Russ tanks at the sides with Chimeras, sentinels, etc acting as support >The hope is to surround the enemy with vehicles and stormtroopers and use combine fire to whittle them down and keep them close while the Astartes drop on top of them >After relaying this plan to the Canoness and about any Astartes commander active me and my future self have to unbolt our baneblade and make a mad dash out of the city to the coming regiments >Despite the uncertain factors involved such as the Astartes part being optional and this whole planet most likely becoming a cluster fuck again, can't help but feel the thrill of battle against such foes of the Imperium >Especially when you get to bury them under the one thing that makes the Guard worth it >Massive amounts of tanks
Jacob Hill
>Be Sister Terese >Looks like this wedding bullshit is finally on >I am looking forwards to the drinks served afterwards though >Olga and Lydia are fucking hilarious when drunk >The heroes of the previous war get to be the honor guard - i.e. glorified bridesmaids >I'm not a hero but I tell Charlotte that she has to let me be there or I'll tell about how she nearly got her statue destroyed >She says I can be there but to not fuck any of the bridesmaids >Bitch fine as long as you don't suck off the groom you insufferable cow >At least wait until the ceremony is over. >To my surprise Charlotte is actually fucking tearing up over this >Olga is too I think, but she might just be sweating heavily, can't tell >Even Lydia and Hanna look emotional and they haven't even started drinking yet >Konnie just looks kinda pissy, but that might be the cybernetic eyes. >Meanwhile, I have to put a hand over my mouth to avoid anyone seeing me smile when I see how young this twerp kid is >Is that his fapping arm? >Oh well, looks like this is a go, at least we can get wasted after and I can see who I can get into the back of a Repressor. >Here... we... go
I am his creator (thanks much for using him) and flipping them to Trayzn winning the first loot war and putting the Ravens on the back foot and desperate makes sense.
Nathaniel Bailey
So, did this post mark the start of the wedding? Just curious.
Xavier Harris
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop >Orks, Khornates, and Tyranids are attacking my city. >The Imperial Guard is thoroughly corrupted by a Tzeneechian warp spawn. >And this cake is at least two stories too small! >RainOnYourWeddinDay.mp3 >But, it's gonna be fine. Because I read an Ork attack on a wedding is actually considered GOOD luck if you survive it. The marriages tend to last. >The Imperial Guard are pussies who won't even use flamers, so they'll probably die. >And as soon as this ceremony is over, it's my wedding night. Who cares about there being enough cake? >I'm really really really looking forward to finally entering a holy Union with my betrothed >ViolentVolcanicEruption.gif >Order my forces to fight from behind the guard to prevent any last minute betrayals. >Order some of my honor guard to slouch so I look taller >Adjust my formal robes, holster my ceremonial flamer, and start walking down the aisle
>Be Decarus >Be here outside of Angel’s Landing, and see a bunch of the Magpies helping out with the defense planning and coordinating with the other Space Marines here, like the Bumblebees >They’ve ended up becoming a much more welcome sight around here, probably thanks to the massive piles of “gifts” they keep bringing >Weapons, Armor, Supplies, raw materials, you name it >Hoenslty they’re probably responsible for supplying at least half of this defense force >You can tell it’s really hard for them to part with their gifts >still, good on them for doin the right thing. >Anyways, Fessus is drilling us extra hard >it’s because he cares though >Probably because we’re gonna end up fighting with the Space Marines, who always go for the much tougher targets than the guard >on the bright side, they also go for the more important ones too, so they’re usually expected to survive and succeed rather than just Die >Marcus and Lloyd aren’t too happy, having to get ready to fight again with their hangovers >Well what did you expect when you drink enough Booze to kill a Rattling? >Phil’s taking to it like a fish to water >Even found time to paint all our armors >he’s really good at that, he ought to have been an artist, >I think he’s just glad to have a chance to beat Heretics and make inspirational speeches again >maybe he could ghostwrite for Commander Morgensen? >Anyways feelin a bit nervous, but also kind of relieved >This’ll Be the closest we’ve been to our normal life in a while.
>Be me, da Killa Kan >I luv when a good scheme comes tagetha >Got every Ork on dis planet about to come down on da humies. >Painted summa da trucks purple so da humies won't know what hit'm >SneakyBoyz.waaagh >But dats not even da best part. >On toppa makin me da shootiest and choppiest Killa Kan Eva, da mekboyz have been workin hard >Built me some brovas outta some ova grots, built da boyz a Buncha big shootas >And dey'z gonna stomp da whole city wif dis Gargant Rey built. >AllTheDakka.waaagh >Im gonna miss havin all these humies to kill. >Ere we go!
>Be me, kalabite half born >Raider speeding through the web way >Try and calm down, and ignore the wyches >They occasionally look at me, then the leader and snigger >Oh, and apparently the leader is a Succubus >Because this could only get worse >We're half way to the exit point, and someone grabs my shoulder >I'mdead.stims >Turn around, expect a knife to find it's way into my throat >It's the fucking succubus >Silently make peace with my death >Her pale skin is kinda red >Probably drugs or something "H-hey, what're you doing after this?" >She stammers like a slave being beat >I don't even get to finish my response before she blurts out "BecauseIhaveanarenamatchcomingupcanyoupleasecome?" >Next thing I know she's back to where she was before >Some wyches are barely holding laughter back >But most Pat her on the back and say stuff I choose to not hear >I think the succubus invited me to a gladiator mach >Probably as a Participant/torture doll >Shudder and mentally prepare >Turn back around and get ready to exit the web way
By the big clown if I only knew what was coming.
Luis Jones
>be Canoness >watch these two colossal human wastes of Imperial resources saunter their way down the aisle >Saint Brigitte flutters over the crowd, scattering flower pedals >rushing through the ceremony a bit >welcome everyone and thank them for their presence even though the "congregation" is almost entirely Imperial Guard, Marine and Sororitas security, many of them actively setting up defensive positions >pretty sure most of whatever friends and family these two had are long dead now >skip the part about defining marriage >skip the part about whether anyone objects >pretty sure there's a whole army of those outside the gates >not to mention myself >hear the familiar ringing of Guard battle cannons outside >flashes of light shine colors through the stained glass windows to accompany the booming outside >skip ahead to the "lawfully wedded" bits
>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified >And it is party time! >Now a lot of our littles have never been part of butchering a wedding before, so we give them a few tips on being a good guest. >What to wear, what kind of daemons to bring, and how you break the outer shell of guards to get to the soft gooey morsels in formal wear. >RulesOfWeddingCrashing.heresy >We also slip in some lines from the holovid we all watched. It was too funny. >We see that the orks had the same idea. >Ork-Arms flexes and makes a joke about calling in some back up, and we all crack up. That guy is great. >Seems like they had some warning we were coming, but the guys in the trenches seem jumpy and distracted by the reports of orks a tracking from the south. >The boys on the North side don't see us coming. >Let one of my littles get the first kill with his bayonet. >Great way to break the ice. >GetIt?.massacre
