Ongoing green text saga detailing the conflict between an unreasonable number of factions to dominate a planet in Warhammer 40k.
Previous Greentext Threads:
Thread 1: suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com
Thread 2: suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com
NEW CONTRIBUTORS WELCOME
Two Quick Rules:
1. No time travel bullshit.
2. No non-canon/crossovers.
>Be me, Billy Collis
>NATIVE of this planet and proud veteran of the Bishop's crusade
>This used to be a nice simple planet. It was a place you could raise a family.
>Then these guardsmen assholes that barely speak gothic show up and suddenly there are xenos and heretics everywhere.
>I know the OFFICIAL STORY is that they showed up to help, but I lived here my whole life and I never once seen no daemons or robo-skeletons.
>FakeNews.gif
>And then there's these "marines", Emperor's Angels my ass. They're great athletes, sure, but everyone of them steals. Bishop even had to ban'm from Angel's Landing. I also ain't never seen one of them put in a single day of work. When they ain't fightin they just lounge around, steal, or strut around in that "blinged out" armor of theirs, meanwhile they eat up OUR food that my taxes pay for.
>WelfareMarines.jpeg
>But now, I'm gettin mine outta some of these damned interlopers.
>When me and my kin was out crusade'n for the bishop, we found us some real sissy xenos in some crashed ship.
>The little fellers can't take a goddamn punch, but their guns sure are nice.
>The Mechanicus says we can't use weapons like this, but I don't give a damn what those Forgeworld elitists say. It's my Emperor given right to protect myself.
>CorvetteCogboys.gif
>So we brought some of these little blue boys back home, and put'm to work. They started comply'n pretty easy once Cousin Davis had some time with'm.
>Even got one of them speakin human.
>Got'm crankin out more stuff. They're gonna be on my damned planet they're gonna work.
>And if those damn metalboys think they're gettin my guns, drones, or anything else I need to protect my land they got another thing comin.
>MyColdDeadHands.png
>Got some city boys that's been comin through to buy the stuff off me. I never much trusted the boys from the capital, but these fellers are at least from the planet and they served in the crusade.
>Their thrones spend, that's good enough fer me.
>Be me, Ashley the Bound Slaaneshi Daemonhost
>And if I wasn't bound in this body, I could make this planet scream-moan so loud that they'd hear it two systems over.
>Normally when a sorcerer binds a Slaaneshi Daemon Prince(ss) into a host they have something fun in mind, but not this guy.
>I've been stuck at his side for seventy years and he's never touched me. Not that I want him to. I hate him. It's just that, like, I'm bound so nothing I can do.
>FriendZoned.warp
>He's not even fun to mess with like one of those desperate Imperial Inquisitors that makes a Daemonhost. He just smiles at the creepy stuff I saw because he SAYS he's like totally into Chaos.
>But after all this time and like all I have done for him he won't even commit to Slaanesh.
>Keeps yammering on about how special it is to keep Chaos Undivided, how he's going to spread their gospel on this planet, and that he doesn't want to be tied down.
>HesSuchAPlayer.heresy
>Not that I even want him to commit. I mean I'm a daemon and so I totally just HATE him for binding me and want him dead. But he keeps on surviving because he's just such a talker.
>And he's so smart and he keeps in REALLY good shape.
>And he's just so confident in the way he just, like, grabs the warp and makes it his. Bending it to his will like some sort of conquering god.
>MeWhoThirsts.daemon
>And, like, I tell him all the time that once I get unbound I'm going to flay him alive no matter what.
>So he may as well have his fun while he can. Like, whether or not he ravishes me or like makes me be his girlfriend or makes me cuddle with his stupid weak human body I'm gonna kill him in the end anyway. So he should just make me do that stuff.
>But he says this host body just isn't his type.
>NoDick.host
>Then why did he pick it!?
>Be Phillip, or Phil as my friends call me
>Be enjoying and absolutely fascinating session about the Intricacies of poetry with my friend Sister Maria.
>Right now she is showing me one of her earlier works
“Alone I stand against my Foe,
No Fear or weakness do I show,
They see my stance, and think me bold,
But they don’t know the truth untold,
For even still I cannot hide,
The Emptiness that’s deep inside,
This twisting turning writhing hole,
Of sorrow that lays in my soul,
So when they seek the answer why,
That It seems I have come to die,
My answer shall fill them with Dread,
‘You can’t kill what’s already dead’”
>”Bravo, Ma’am, Bravo, that was truly splendid!”
“Oh not really, it was just a silly little poem I wrote when I was a teen. It’s not really all that good.”
>”Oh nonsense, that was wonderful! You ought to be more proud of your work.”
>Suddenly, from down stairs, I hear crashing noises, disgusted screaming, and Ghastly groaning.
>We rush expecting an attack or home invasion
>instead it is just my comptratiots, lying in a pile over the broken remains of a chair. With sister Annmarie standing by the open door.
>”Fessus, Back so soon?”
”What do you mean so soon? It’s already half past midnight.”
>Why so it is, my how time does fly when you’re having fun!
“We left Early but it took us 3 1/2 hours to get here.”
>”But this is only a 30 minute walk from the bar, 10 if you’re driving”
“Yeah but you know it was such a lovely day that we decided to walk and enjoy the scenery, you know really take it in”
“Yeah, in fact it was so beautiful we had to take in multiple times.”
“They mean we forgot our combeads and got lost.”
“Oh screw you Marcus!”
>”Gentlemen, Gentlemen, that still doesn’t explain what happened to the Chair!”
(1/2)
“Oh that’s easy. You see the bloody door wouldn’t open no matter how hard we pulled and when we tried to bash it down with Decarus, it suddenly opened because of this lady here.”
“It wouldn’t open because this is a push door, not a pull door.”
>Fessus, Marcus, and Lloyd all stand around sheepishly, cheeks red
“Oh...”
“Well how were we supposed to bloody know that?”
“Perhaps by the sign”
“We couldn’t read it, it was dark and written in blackish grey”
>”Actually it was written in-“
“Oh don’t you start too!”
>See Decarus still on the floor, unconscious
>”Is he quite alright? Did you say tried to use him as a battering ram?”
“Oh yeah, he’s fine, he was out before we started”
“Yeah he just can’t hold his liquor as good as some of us”
“And we used him feet first anyways, but still it was Fessus’s idea”
“Aw come one, you too Lloyd?”
“Sorry Sarge, but I don’t wanna have to be the one to explain to the Doc if something’s wrong with him”
“It’s Decarus, that’s his default state.”
>Well
>this is thoroughly embarrassing for all of us now
>time to make my exit,
>”Well In any case Maria, it seems I must now escort my inebriated friends back home. I had a lovely time tonight, we really should do this again sometime”
“Sure I would love to”
“Just make sure they aren’t a part of the package next time”
>”Right Sister Annmarie. Again, sorry for the damages, we shall send you the money for them”
“Bye Maria, thanks again for babysitting him.”
“Hope he wasn’t too much trouble.”
“How much is your Hourly rate?”
>”Let’s GO!”
>my friends are the worst sometimes.
Surprised this hasn't been moved to /qst/ yet. People are having way too much fun playing pretend on Veeky Forums.
It's not a game thread, they're green texts. Veeky Forums has always had tons of green text threads. No DM or plot or rolling, just posts trying to be funny that have formed into a loose narrative.
Not sure if new or nazi mod.
>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>What a fuckin mess this is.
>My, uh, predecessors from the Mechanicus on this planet made a mistake or two.
>If you're gonna exterminate an entire planet, Imperial and xeno alike, to get ahold of some necron tech... Well, that's fine.
>But don't start somethin you can't finish.
>NoHalfMeasures.png
>Now this whole planet is a fuckin mess. You've got yokels running around with plasma rifles, dis fuckin little Bishop hard-on selling thousands of pieces of top-a-the-fuckin-line Ad Mech tech to Rogue traders, and every other type of tech heresy you can imagine.
>And, of course, people are gonna break the rules. That's ta be expected.
>I've even been accused of doin it once or twice myself.
>NeverConvicted.voxcast
>But ya can't do all that out in the open and NOT kick up to da bosses.
>So they sent me and my crew ta make some examples, get our fuckin thrones, and bring back whatever archeotech I can.
>And hey, you know what I mean, I gotta eat too. Maybe I end up with a few new mechadendrites. What's right is right.
>GottaWetMyBeak.skim
>But it shouldn't be too fuckin bad a deal. I got my guys Silonzio and Petrachus, they run the servitor fleets, sendin skulls planet wide ta take it all in.
>We'll scope it all out, have my cousin Tristapher pick out the choice targets so long as he can fuckin keep his head on straight.
>Den, ya know, send Raularius, Nickaron, and the new guys to crack a few skulls. I'll take care a' anybody in charge who thinks they're gonna talk back. Then, we're set.
>Should have enough time ta stop for a for a steak and a blowjob on the way back to da Forgeworld.
>be Canoness
>should be relaxing on the cozy Shrine World
>instead am "relaxing" on the "cozy" new "Shrine World"
>not a clue what good the Bishop and the new Governess think is going to come of declaring this place a holy site
>barely understand why she is allowed a Governor's position anyway
>surprised publicly renouncing her father was enough
>at least she's somewhat competent
>as much as one can get in this hellhole
>didn't think I would miss the constant existential crises
>this fucking place is filling up with useless people faster than they can be thinned out
>Orks, heretics and remnant Tyranids still all over the planet despite attempts to dislodge them
>somehow the pilgrims convince themselves they're oh so brave for showing up and that they're somehow safe within Angels' Landing at the same time
>ignoring the fact that the Sisters are still actively clearing Necrons and Tyranids from the undercity
>Tomis Crusade is in full swing
>brings all manner of soldiers, profiteers and would-be crusaders trying to make a name for themselves
>xenos technology from the Necrons and the various invaders is a magnet for scavengers
>find myself dealing with a constant rotation of fresh new idiots and lunatics
>leading the Sisters of the Orders of the Ermine Mantle, Golden Light and Black Sepulchre, and damn if that isn't enough of a mouthful for Sister Charlotte
>turned the Matrimonial Cathedral into our base of operations
>many of the local forces moved on in support of the Crusade
>still troops from several Imperial Guard regiments and a grab-bag of Space Marines from a dozen different Chapters dicking around
>to think what could be done with just the Imperial resources squandered on this fucking planet
>sitting on the chaise lounge in my cathedral living arrangements pouring another glass of rosé
>why is everything always so difficult?
>be me, Robute Guilliman
>be in bed, reading dataslates
>read one about this planet that has 12 different faction fighting on it at once
>fucking 12
>half of them are imperial
>how this planet isn't debris is beyond me
>think about going to see this mess in person
>it'd make a great experience for the primaris
>a pair of arms wrap around my side
>yvraine gives me the look
>fuck it the mess will sort itself out eventually
>go back to bed for round 6 of "Eldar biology 101"
>Be Palatine Barbastella
>With difficulty I wake from my slumber
>Sleep is not unlike the restful oblivion of death
>I am loathe to leave it
>But duty calls
>In light of... recent events, Canoness Superior Konstanzia has called a strategic meeting of the Sororitas on Stercus Ludicrum this morning
>Which to her ill concealed chagrin still includes the Black Sepulchre
>Have one of the repentia bring me a thermos of recaf
>Black as the endless void between the stars
>Sweet as the scent of flowers on a grave
>It makes the phantasmal existence I must endure more bearable
>(Especially at 6:30 in the Emperor-forsaken morning)
>Over breakfast, Sister Superior Ophelia informs me that the planetary governess has left us a gift
>A pleasant surprise indeed, we are in need of munitions and supplies
>Especially since our Canoness Superior has seen fit to prioritise her own orders needs over those of others
>I see what you're doing Konstanzia
>I'm dead inside, not stupid
>Inquire as to the nature of the delivery
>"It's eyeliner and poetry, Palatine."
>The two things we already have in abundance
>Sigh
>Pour myself some more recaf
>liberatemeexinferis.pict
>Be Fessus
>Be skulking in an abandoned building in the dead of night, carefully trying to move crates of goods from their hidden cache into an unmarked van with Lloyd
>I assure you though, it’s much better than it sounds
>Ever since the big siege and the celebration afterwards ended we haven’t had much to do
>Even though we are technically Blood Raven Chapter Serfs, they don’t really seem to know what to do with us.
>They just left us with vague orders to “assist the PDF with the reclamation of the city”
>Since we’ve been technically pardoned and the Magpies don’t have any barracks for Chapter Serfs in the city, we’ve been bunking with the PDF boys
>Plenty of empty bunks now
>Tag-along on their “reclamation” missions which basically means, march into a destroyed section of the city, kick down what remains of the doors, kill Whatever shoots back, and then leave the rest to people who can actually hold a hammer.
>It’s pretty simple, not too dangerous, and we get free bed, food, and supplies
>The problem is we’re not technically part of the Guard anymore so we’re not getting paid for it, which sucks big time because being a Chapter Serf doesn’t pay either and everything fun requires money
>During one of these missions we found a hidden compartment full of unmarked crates.
>Lightbulb.jpg
>instead of reporting this, and having the Administratum dump it in some musty cellar to be forgotten, we should take it upon ourselves to provide these goods to those who truly needed them, for a small fee of course.
>The others were against it at first but we’re won over by my persuasive charm, (and the fact that we’d be broke soon if we didn’t)
>So you see, this totally isn’t what it seems like.
>We’re completely in the right.
>Be Sister Charlotte
>Be having a shit time of it
>I want to smite xenos and heretics and earn the favour of Ms. Crazy Eyes McGee
>But the only enemies right now are the Tyranids and Necrons down below and fuck that noise
>I swear to god the Tyranids will specifically converge on our location
>Don't they have any sewer workers or stupid children to eat or something
>I think we should be allowed to use bait before fighting them
>If they can strip a planet in a few weeks, they should take a few months eating Olga's ass, in which time we can fucking xenocide them all.
>At least more reinforcements are arriving to dump work on. I mean help us in this glorious crusade
>More space marines, even - Red Templars
>Lots of people don't like them due to being in close with the Lords of Terra and Minotaurs or whatever
>But they've always been bros to the Ecclessiarchy and the Sisters.
>Guess this is a good sign - but they normally show up when something needs hunted down
>Hope its not any of us
>This is gonna be a fuck load more people though, these guys always travel with a massive retinue
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Thanks to me and my wife, The Planetary Governess, the emperor's vision is finally being realized.
>I keep getting reports from Canoness Konstanzia about some remaining Tyranid and Necron forces, but I'm pretty sure she just worries too much.
>With more marines and guardsmen leaving the planet to expand the crusade and more of the faithful arriving everyday, this planet is safer than ever.
>I think working in our matrimonial cathedral may just be stressing her out. As a Sister of Battle she's married to The Emperor, but I think she may be feeling lonely because of how happy we are.
>AlwaysABridesmaid.png
>Besides, as we've begun converting my holy warriors into the new Planetary Defense Force to avoid issues with the Decree Passive things have really started to stabilize.
>Not only do they have the faith of the emperor to protect them, but they're probably the most experienced and well-equipped PDF in the Imperium.
>And speaking of well equipped, the amount of money we're bringing in is insane.
>I've really come to understand how certain expenditures can really enhance productivity. The newly rebuilt Governor's mansion has been a fantastic place for me to work. Everything is so comfortable and the food has me feeling stronger than ever.
>DecadenceIsGood.gif
>I've been staying away from the front lines these days.
>I mostly only pull out the Evicerator and the Heavy Flamer during my sermons where I tell the stories of how I personally saved this planet.
>My flamer feels a lot heavier since my old arm stopped working. My new one is gorgeous though, and much more befitting of The Emperor's chosen.
>In fact, ALL of my new stuff is gorgeous. That Commissar even sent us some really nice Power Armor.
>TheClothesMakeTheMan.voxcast
>Yep, I've got a feeling everything is going to be just great from here on out.
>be a Rogue Trader
>it is the best profession a man can have and it comes highly recommended
>but you are quite lucky indeed, as I am not just a mere Rogue Trader
>I am Asencio Gilberto Corazon III, of Rynn's World
>yes, the very same
>conqueror of moons, lover of women, famed captain of the cruiser Unbound Ipomoea
>and I have come to this cursed backwater world with the aim of expanding my considerable fortune
>and, perhaps, making the intimate acquaintance of members of the several Sororitas Orders said to be involved in its defense
>some fruitless and inexplicable conflict has left more exploitable xenos salvage on this planet than in entire sectors of space
>and its close proximity to a newly begun Crusade makes it ripe with financial opportunity
>for as everyone knows, in the grim darkness of the 41st Millennium, there is only war
>and war is very good for business
>Be me, Sybarite Drazar
>be flying around on jetbike I stole
>But it was from an asshole so it's ok
>So far I'm alone but whatever
>The succubus from before is kinda weird
>Always wants me to follow her into her quarters
>I know what's gonna happen if I do that
>I like my limbs thank you
>Anyways I like flying around, its calming and I get to wreck the occasional vehicle with nades
>zoom over the city and drop a load of caltrops in some mon'keigh street
>Land on a near by rooftop to watch if anyone steps on them
>Thisgonnabegood.jetbike
>Grab some snacks from a side pouch and wait
>Get a message
>From the succubus
>She says she's gonna come get me
>Oh shit my location beacon is on
>Oh shit I'm going to get flayed alive
>Get back on jetbike and gun it in a random direction
>Be Marcus
>be sittin in this van keeping watch with Phil and Decarus.
“...This is wrong.”
>”Decarus, I told you, I’m the one who got the car, so I get to drive. If you want ta drive so badly then go get-“
“No not that, I mean this, this whole thing feels wrong!”
“I must admit, I agree with the Boy on this one.”
>Oh by the Throne not this again
>”Look, guys I already told you, there’s nothing wrong with this.”
“Nothing wrong with this!? It’s stealing Marcus! Stealing is wrong!”
>”Decarus, we’ve all stolen things all the time. Heck, back when we were in the Guard proper, you stole an entire Necron’s head to make a puppet so you could practice your ventriloquism.”
“Yeah, but those were heretics and Xenos, not people! Stealing from people is wrong!”
>”It’s not stealing, Decarus, it’s battlefield salvage. Who ever this stuff used to belong to probably left this planet one way or another and won’t miss it”
“My mum always said that naughty boys who stole would get their fingers eaten by the Marlickan.”
>”Decarus you’re a grown ass man and I have personally seen you charge a beefed up warp-twisted abomination all by yourself. Why the bloody hell are you still scared of monsters from nursery rhymes?”
“...Make believe monsters aside, even if you do not acknowledge this as theft from a person this would most definitely count as theft from the Emperor and Imperium.We should have reported this cache as soon as we found it.”
>”No it’s not Phil. We’re not taking them out of the Imperium or selling it to the Orkz or anything. We’re just giving in to some of the Emperor’s other people. Some who’ll pay us. Hopefully a lot.”
“Who?”
>”Someone.”
“Who? You don’t even know what it is we’re trying to to sell yet.”
>”It doesn’t matter, there’s always someone wanting something on this planet, and Seth’s got plenty of contacts-“
(1/2)
(2/2)
“Seth? ‘Slimy’ Seth? That man’s a crook through and through! He earned the name for more than just his personal hygiene you know.”
“I heard he sold his own Mother to the Dark Eldar, and then kidnapped her so he could do it five more times until she died of a heart attack! Johnson’s says his brother’s girlfriend’s sister’s roommate saw it”
“...”
>”...Decarus when the hell are you gonna stop being so bloody gullible?”
“...Yes, well while I cannot say I believe something that...outlandish, it is very well known what sort of sordid company that man keeps.”
>”Ok fine, so maybe this is stupid, maybe it’s unethical, but it’s also our only shot of making some money, short of taking bone-grinding, awful factotum jobs! Sure Fessus’s plans are retarded, but i didn’t see any other hands raised! And we could all use the money! Like you Decarus, so you afford to take Brigitte out somewhere nice, or you Phil, so you can get some of those poetry books, or painting sets!”
“And what do you want with it Marcus? The Governess is already giving you all the free alcohol you could ever want.”
>”Well maybe I want more in life than booze! Maybe I wanna have more to look forward to in life than my next chance to get hammered! What does it matter?! We’ve all done worse things before, why is this victimless crime this suddenly too far?
“...It’s not who we’re taking it from that concerns me, but who we’re giving it to. We don’t even know what is in here, let alone if it should even be unearthed.”
“Yeah I gotta agree with Phil on this one, something is definitely weird about those boxes.”
>”Arright fine! As soon as Fessus and Lloyd get back, we’ll crack open the boxes, and if it’s really that bad, we'll drive it over to the Commissar and turn it in! You happy?”
>Be me, Drathor
>Be The Last Crasher
>It's been a long time since I been up top
>Lost track of the days since fell down here
>Mostly keep my time measured by kills taken
>So it's about 382 Skulls O'Clock
>NotToKhorneyAJokeIHope.heresy
>Been getting better with chain-axe
>Used to be awkward, now I can kinda heft it around without looking like a total fool.
>And the gains boy
>Oh, the gains on these arms
>GettingSwoleOrDyingTrying.gif
>Still pretty lonely
>Seen a few things down here that don't want to kill me
>Couple other traitor soldiers
>Usually have time to say hi and then scatter
>Sisters are still down here in force
>So are the beep boops.
>So are the bugs
>ThreewayIfYouKnowWhatIMean.jpeg
>Yeah I already made that joke, but I'm not some comedian like Jeriah Seinfeldus, so cut me some slack.
>SpeakingOfCutting.png
>Squatting over a bug
>I think they call these a gaunt?
>Don't know why looks pretty bulky to me
>Managed to get some chitin over my old armour
>Want to get some more
>But this is more of a dinner call
>Yes I eat Nids now
>I know what you're thinking, isn't that dangerous?
>Well I have a system
>There's always a brief window between the time after the Sisters clear out a bug nest, and the Imperial clean up team shows up
>All them dead bugs lying about
>All burned up
>Perfect main course to share among your friends
>....
>IMissTheGang.mp3
>Hear noise
>Turn to see a marine
>OHFETH.gif
>Didn't realize marines were down here
>Hand already on axe
>Feth it, I'll cut this space fucker before he takes m-
>Wait
>He looks weird
>Not like Gut weird
>But weird
>He waves
>I'm just
>Confused
>He speaks
>Says he's a friend of The Gut
>Asks where he is
>Sigh.jpeg
"Dead"
>Be Fessus
“Ey Fessus, are you sure we should be doing this? I mean, didn’t the Commissar tell us not to loot the city?”
>”First off, it’s not looting, it’s reintroducing lost valuable commodities back into the economy and providing more supply for everyone, and second, he told the Blood Ravens not to loot anything, he didn’t say anything about us.”
“Oh Yeah, well if that’s true then why did we have to come back and do this at night instead of doing it in the morning?”
>”Because Lloyd, we didn’t have a van this morning, and because some of our more narrow-minded friends in the PDF wouldn’t understand that what we’re doing is a civic service, now help me lift this into the van, it’s damn heavy!”
“Geez, these freakin things weigh a ton! What are we even going through all this trouble to steal, Bricks?!”
>”I told you, it’s not stealing, they probably either didn’t want it or are too dead to be using it anyways.”
“So instead of stealing, we’re either essentially dumpster diving, or looting. Wow that sure makes me feel better Fessus!”
>”Look, it’s either this, or have our only source of income be from you taking increasingly stupid bets until it eventually ends in either your death, or your prostitution. Now shut up and help me lift dammit before someone comes!”
“Wait...do you hear that?”
>”...Hear what?”
“The sound of your argument falling apart because YOU said that Nobody wanted this stuff!”
>”Lloyd so help me I am going shove my foot so far-“
“Shh!”
>”Wha- Are you shushing me?! Don’t you dare shush me, Mid rant-“
“Shh! No seriously did you hear that just now?”
>”...Shit something’s coming, hide!”
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius, Broken Shields chapter.
>Been stationed here for the past three months, since the war officially ended.
>"Officially ended".
>There are still enough Orks, Tyranids, Necrons, and Heretics on this former ice planet, to warrant an intense virus bombing style Exterminatus.
>ThanktheEmperortheInquisitionisn'there.holo.
>In the meantime, spend most of my time hunting down the enemies of man, along the rest of my brothers in the second company
>On-top of that, we, unlike the other chapters who joined the fight. Have also been assisting with maintaining the peace, as well as rebuilding effort.
>Most of these people don't even know how to grow crops, considering the fact that up until six months ago, this was an almost barren iceball, of almost no considerable worth.
>Justanotherthingtodo.png
>It's not all bad, though. I met this cute, 9/10 sister of battle by the name of Olga.
>Not only is she great in a fight with that heavy bolter of hers. But she's quite competent in a vast variety of other matters, as well.
>I enjoy spending down time with her, almost as much as I enjoy killing those wretched traitors space marines. Probably more, all things considered.
>She's great to talk to, and has a good taste in food.
>My only complaint is that I wish she had slightly longer hair...
>Wonder if I can convince her to let it grow out?
>Be Lloyd.
>Be hiding in burnt out building,
>Wonder why the fuck Marcus didn’t alert us someone was coming on the com-beads
>Suddenly, see one of the basement walls just seamlessly slide up
>Oh
>That’s why
>Shit, these must be the people who this stuff belongs to.
>No wonder they just hid it and buggered off
>I don’t we could explain that it was all just a big misunderstanding,
>it may be Dark, but from what little I can see, they all look like nasty pieces of work.
>Okay, hopefully they just came to do a little check up, and then they’ll leave, easy pea-
“Why are half the Boxes missing?”
>Oh yeah right, forgot about that.
>Okay, no big deal, we’ll just sneak away away before they put 2 and 2 together and we’ll be home-
*Creaaaak*
“What was that?”
“Someone’s in here! Find them!”
>Oh come the fuck on!
>Alright shit! Come on Lloyd, how are we gettin out of this.
>Fight? Nah don’t wanna do that, there’s too many of ‘em, and the sound of fighting might attract more.
>Flight? Already tried that, fucked it up.
>Bluff? With what though?
>Look down at Armor
>Oh yeah, I got an idea
>get ready to throw my voice
>”Drop your weapons! Lest you face the Wrath of the Blood Ravens!
“Magpies? Show yourselves!”
>”You are not in a position to be making demands, thieves. Now lay done your arms and surrender!”
“Who are you calling thief Magpie?”
>”Don’t play Dumb, we know everything about your little operation”
>I don’t even know if they’ve done anything but model citizens probably don’t sneak around in secret tunnels
>Some of them get panicky, but the big one stays calm.
“So...you’ve got it all figured out do ya?”
>Not in the slightest, but I’m not telling him that
“And just how you do you plan to stop us, Little Magpie?”
>”We have thousands of Battle-Brothers working to foil your plans scum!”
“...Space Marine chapters only have a 1000 members. A real marine would know that.”
>...Ah Shit.
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>And I am insanely rich.
>Who would have thought that shooting at a Chaos Marine who was about to kill the psychotic pseudo-slave master who had threatened to burn me alive would pay off?
>Oh yeah, me. I thought that.
>Genius.jpg
>Between hustling rogue traders, collecting "donations" from everyone trying to move tech on the streets, and every other pie I've got my fingers in life is perfect.
>I've even got a side deal worked out with some hillbilly that somehow has Tau tech. He claims to be making it, but he clearly doesn't even know what it is.
>SureThingCletus.voxcast
>The Governor's Whore of a Daughter is SHOCKINGLY doing a bang up job as Governess. Things are running pretty smoothly and the people seem so happy you'd think she was giving out hanjobs.
>Though, I'm not sure she's not doing that.
>PressinTheFlesh.realpolitic
>The Bishop, he's really settling in to decadence and the little psycho sure does know how to please a crowd.
>He doesn't even constantly drag us into fights anymore, though that's because the twerp is clearly traumatized.
>When we go to the Cathedral we never leave through the Chapel, and when we have to be in there the kid is on edge the whole time.
>I guess getting a chunk bitten out if his chest by some gigantic murderous monster thats been eating souls for the Blood God for thousands of years was too much for him.
>WhatAWuss.png
>But hey, fine by me.
>As long as those Bolter Bitches can keep this planet from going to hell and the Governess can keep the AdMech off our asses, everything is gonna be great.
>Be me
>Be Da Spooky Git
>Iz been real spooky
>Dis 'ere 'umie place 'as been unorky
>Iz da shadow in da noit
>Iz been 'avin some fun makin' da 'umies spooked
>3spooky5u.pngrot
>'OWEVA
>Iz still Gor'Muncha, Kommando
>An dere iz still ork 'ere on dis rok
>Iz been 'ere too long
>Toim ta meet up wiff da boyz
>Toim ta make da WAAAGH get movin' again
>EREWEGO.mp3
>Iz been liznen to da 'umies
>Dey fink da rok iz deres now
>But dey talk 'bout boyz
>Not in da city
>Out in da cold place
>Iz gotsta find 'em
>And Iz not doin' it alone
>Pull up me sack o'gubbinz
>Pull out me sidekick
>Iz a grot
>Iz pulled 'im outta a spikey boy
>Iz tellz 'im me plan
>Wez got wurk ta do
>An wez startin wiff getting a trukk
>Be me, Planetary Governess
>Finally we can lean a bit back and while we are still to busy to travel to a pleasure world for it, honeymoon at home was still pretty great
>The Energy Saber i used to fight this fuckass giant chaos marine is now considered holy, so I allways carry it with me to show whos boss, work pretty well so far
>While Babe doesn't fight a the front anymore these days I try my best to keep him in form (Mostly Lewd Stuff, sometimes I can bring him to a sparring fight)
>This loveable little Shota has grown into badass great Shota, I apprecitate of this. While I of course I don't will let it happen that he ends up as some of this fat bishops one day
>Speaking of which, he seems kinda sad about losing his birthmark
>Surely I know how to cheer him up
>WannaPuffPuff.png
>While the Imperial Forces grow more fond of each other, so atleast I hope, I should keep an eye on the cogboys. Some came today, to have some Expedtion in the Underhive signed, done it of course.
>While I never trusted this Toastergaggers, they sure now how to find the technology we need to keep things up
>be Palatine Sara
>down in the undercity
>what was once purely the sewage and maintenance network for Angels' Landing has been greatly expanded
>between the Necron excavations and Tyranid tunnel systems the straightforward sewer system has become a veritable labyrinth
>the Guard and the Sororitas have yet to explore the full extent of it despite the effort put into clearing the tunnels out
>watch as two Sisters of the Golden Light place a melta charge on a chitinous biomass covering blocking a new tunnel
>the Tyranids try to hide their progress
>hope that one of the Raveners that dug it in the first place is not waiting on the other side
>pray that the Emperor guide my hand
>signal them to blow it
>the hard covering glows red and melts away
>hear shrieking from beyond the reach of our lights
>draw my silver wheelguns and start firing
>twelve shots find places in the skulls of twelve hormagaunts
>step back out of the mouth of the tunnel
>Sister Marisol takes my place, the bronze barrels of her heavy stubber spinning and spouting fire
>draw Icebreaker instead of bothering to reload in case any make it past the shots
>the firing ceases
>one of the Sisters fires a burning red flare down the tunnel
>hear the all clear
>look at the knife for a moment before placing it back in its sheath
>the Guard and PDF in the undercity have reported attacks from a strange heretic wearing armor made from butchered Tyranid parts
>run fingers over the long scar at my throat
>call for a PDF team to clear out the bodies
>Be Fessus,
>Currently hiding from the giant gang that just came out of nowhere while we were moving these unclaimed boxes
>Lloyd’s currently got them distracted
>The sure can bluff and bullshit
>he’s already got them to admit that A. they’re thieves, and B. They’re doing something probably evil just by talking to them
>That’s probably even more information that we needed to justify this.
>maybe he can even get them to surrwnder and we can turn the in for a rewa-
“...Space Marine chapters only have a 1000 members. A real marine would know that.”
>Ah well, there goes that
>Avert my eyes for the flash that I know is coming
>Lloyd and I both book it out of the basement and up the stairs, dropping a few Smoke Grenades to hopefully slow them down
>get to the van
“Hey Fessus, where’s the rest of the loot?”
>”Forget about it just drive, quickly please!”
>Well we managed to liberate half of the crates, but that’s honestly still more than I expected to get,
>Once we sneak back into base, we’ll be home free yes
>and since we already bribed the Guard suffer a sudden case of short term amnesia, that shouldn’t be a problem
>Yessiree this is the home stretch, the victory lap, getting back before dawn should be easy as Pie, a piece of cake, a-
>What did we did just drive over?
>Why are we losing speed?
>What the-
>OH COME ON!
>Why the Fuck are there Caltrops here?!
>Who puts Caltrops on random streets just for the fuck of it!?
>This Is bullshit, the universe can’t pull this kind of shit, not when we’re this close!
>No you know fuck it, get out boys, kick this damn spikes out of the way, we’re pushing this thing, I REFUSE to accept this!
>We will push this damn van, we will make it back in time, and WE WILL GET OUR MONEY IF IT’S THE LAST THING WE DO!
>Be Original Commissar
>Spent the past few months coordinating with Imperial Command and future self though decided to remain on the planet to finish up the remaining pockets before officially joining
>Learned that clean up operations are boring as hell
>Can't really do much other then clean up the bodies that haven't created Calcium mountains along with all the claiming any materials left behind
>Only thing we get to fight by this point are the occasional Dark Eldar raids in the barren wasteland outside Angle Landing and whatever the fuck pops up in the Sewers
>Only thing that I have to look forward to is having this place finally cleared so that I can rejoin the veteran stormtrooper regiments I lead during this planets more chaotic days
>Goodtimes.firingline
>Was about to finish todays scavenger hunt and return to the city when some newfag Guardsman said he found another dead space marine
>"Which Chapter Guardsman"
"Can't tell my lord, the only sign of his chapters origins is his Pauldron which has a three headed snake like creature"
>"Wait three heads"
"Yes my lord"
>Ohshit.heresy
>Decided to investigate the body personally to confirm my suspicions and sure enough, its the body of an Alpha Legionare
>Only thing else on him is a mostly distorted recording for some upcoming mission
>We were able to determine though that it was recent
"Your orders my lord"
>"Contact the other version of myself and tell him that he should get ready to recall all our regiments back to the planet, and get me in contact with the Governess"
>Have this nagging gut feeling that this place is about to turn into a shitstorm again unless the Cogboys can decider the message but knowing them, can't really count on it
>At least this place won't be boring for long
>be me sybarite Drazar
>fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
>the direction I chose just so happened to be the direction the succubus was coming from
>now I'm running from a Venom filled filled with laughing wyches and an angry succubus
>fuuuuuck.wraithbone
>the jetbike is faster but the venom can keep up, if barely
>be flying back over the street I was at before
>see some Mon'keigh contraption stuck on the caltrops I dropped earlier
>vects ass I didn't think it would catch something this early
>slow down a bit
"EAT SHIT MON'KEIGH"
>I laugh as I zoom into cover and out of sight from the Venom
>the beacon is still active but hopefully it's not too accurate
>think about using the phantasm launcher at the Mon'keigh
>not yet
>let's see how this goes
>Be I, Hast'El'Vishkaya
>Or El'Vish, if that's too hard for your mon'keigh brain to comprehend.
>Be Spiritseer of Saim-Haan
>Just managed to warp into this forsaken system
>I'd heard the rumors through the wraithvine
>The Tyranids, consumer of worlds
>The Necrons, most ancient of foes
>The Humans, belligerent and primitive
>Chaos, the arch-enemy of life
>So much disaster all in one place
>WeHaveClearlyPassedThePointOfNoReturn.jpeg
>Yet, let it not be said we of Saim-Haan do not risk our own beings in the pursuit of goals.
>Heard some of our kin had fallen upon this world, their spirit stones unrecovered
>NotOnMyWatch.png
>The Farseer tried to stop me, but let's be honest, El'Vish goes where El'Vish pleases, thank you very much.
>Webway gate seems to have deposited me into some cavern.
>Try to recall where we're going to get out, can't seem to figure it out
>Oh well
>That's why I brought back up
"Prys'Ellia, do you know the way?"
>Wraithguard behind me looks around
>Prys'Ellia was a fine warrior in life, but in death, she is without peer.
>She passes a quick affirmative thought, before marching forward, towards a damp tunnel passage
>Took a bit of coaxing to wake her from slumber, but figured she would be key to the mission
>After all, this is the world she died on.
>Be Lloyd
>Be standing outside, repairing this fucking van’s tires with Marcus
>AGAIN!
>Apparantly it was one of those spike eared assholes
>The Fucker yelled something at us in his moonspeak and just started laughing it up from the rooftops,
>smug bastard
>a couple of his friends flew over head, but they Apparantly weren’t interested in us.
>Judging by the way he hides whenever he sees them they probably ain’t his friends after all
>whatever, Eldar politics ain’t our problem
>What is our problem is how to get this thing moving again.
>so It turns out trying to push a heavy ass van full of miscellaneous crates, with four blown out tires with just 5 regular joes ain’t gonna cut it
>go figure
>Sure we had a spare, that’s just it, A spare
>still three broken tiress
>So we had to duct tape and pump the broken three tires full of air again while fending off whatever creepy-crawly happened to be around at the time
>and ever time we repair it, fifteen minutes later, on the dot, one of the tires blow
>And there he is, that smug asshole, rifle in hand, yukkin it up on the rooftop,
>He knows he could just shoot us and that he’s too far away and too high up to get him. So he just keeps fuckin with us like the piece of shit he is.
>this time we start hearing the sounds of those other Knife Ear’s bikes again.
>We all book it to cover
>Even Chuckles is shutting up and hiding.
>This time they’ve stopped and started searching for something
>or someone
>And I think I know who
>Payback time mother-fucker
>take out a Flashbang,
>Gotta time it right so they don’t see
>Time to show them why I was the star pitcher of the Brook-hive base-foot-basket-hockey-ball team four years in a row
>Throw it up onto the rooftop, right where that prankster is
>this oughta get their attention
>Say hi to your friends jackass.
>Be sister Therese
>Be doing my best to not be a part of all this fighting and skirmishing
>Sister Charlotte can go do it if she really wants promoted so badly
>Honestly surprised she hasn't sucked dick to get some sort of cushy job as an advisor or something
>Anyways my jetpack is still a little bit ways towards being repaired
>Still been hanging out with my little sewing circle
>No, literally, Nicolle has taught us all how to sew - she's the poor young girl with the younger and deader husband
>Honestly I think she just married him out of guilt, and now is extra guilty she doesn't feel extra guilty about it all
>Anyways I'm still doing some actual work - don't need to kill Tyranids when I can convince wealthy widows to open more soup kitchens
>This place might actually start to get some life into it soon - there are a lot of refugee nobles here from the destroyed parts of the planet, and those who came to prosecute the crusade. The Cathedral was just the start
>Little worried about the Red Templars showing up, that's usually a sign that there's going to be something dangerous and important going on.
>Hopefully Charlotte doesn't volunteer me. Or Konnie.
>On the bright side all the destruction of this place's atmosphere means it ain't so cold now.
>be Rogue Trader Corazon, if you are so fortunate
>get permission to land from local flight control
>take the Aquila lander down to Angels' Landing
>have a pleasant chat with my Crimson Fist bodyguard Brother Salvador on the way
>the planet is not in the most exceptional shape, given the roving bands of heretics and Tyranids
>still, not bad all things considered
>Shrine World status is evidently filling their coffers as well as I anticipated
>members of my staff depart the lander on different assignments
>quickly establishing contacts on any new world is essential to any enterprise
>networking is very important in my line of work
>myself, I head to the so-called Matrimonial Cathedral intent on meeting the woman who brought me here
>the Ecclesiarchy and I, our relations our quite good
>as with the Mechanicum, and the Administratum
>as I said, networking
>the streets are laid out sensibly until a detour around what appears to have been the upper body of a massive Titan
>my local driver tells me it fell in battle and was simply incorporated into the city rather than expending the effort to remove it
>clearly my sources as to the salvage on this world were accurate, even understated
>the Cathedral is splendid
>apparently it was converted to house the Sororitas after some recent battle, the actual places of worship moved elsewhere
>the Sisters and their equipment inside are arranged haphazardly, though with their own sort of reverence
>pass two lovely women working to fix a heavy bolter
>they give me an intrigued look
>ask if they have spotted something that interests them or if they are just impressed by my holstered plasma pistola
>the curvaceous one blushes and looks down
>the thin blonde makes lascivious eyes and watches me pass
>alas, business before pleasure
>the Canoness Superiora, she is a frightening woman
>the oscilloscope pupils in her soulless bionic receptors contain somehow more judgement than actual eyes
>she seems very much like a good woman to know
>Be me, Sybarite Drazar
>be laughing at Mon'keigh
>also hiding occasionally when the Venom passes over head
>though still I count this as a victory
>mock shoot wash with the Phantasm Launcher while laughing like a Harlequin
>see one of them make to throw something
>stupid Mon'keigh can't possibly think it would work
>laugh as it arcs towards me
>stop laughing as it detonates with a large flash
>a large very visible flash
>oh shit
>venom definitely saw that
>in fact it's already speeding right at me
>if I run now, I might make it to the jetbike in time to flee
>but honor demands satisfaction
>I don't have time to kill them, but given the rush they look to be in...
>aim Phantasm Grenade launcher at the van
>shout in the Mon'keigh tounge
"HAVE A NICE TRIP, ASSHOLES"
>fire several gas bombs at the cunts
>that'll put them out for a while
>laugh at them until I remember what's coming
>sprint to my hiding spot only to see the venom drop the succubus and Co. to the left
>jump down the stairs, knowing for a fact they're fucking with me
>dontlookback.raider
>burst into the room I hid the jet bike in
>already hear the wyches coming down the stairs
"Remember~ Ann'ette wants him unharmed!"
>oh fuck they were closer that I thought
>start up the jetbike as they smash through a fucking wall
>one of them tosses a net
>slam on the throttle and barely avoid the thing
>burst through a window and into freedom
>live to fuck around another day
>be Succubus Ann'ette
>crush just got away
>again
>wyches laugh and say I'll get him next time
>as frustrating as it is, I like this game we play
>I mean, he does know this is just some foreplay right? He can't possible be that dense
>laugh and resume the hunt
>Be Sister Nyx
>Black Sepulchre combat hearse driver
>My life is an illusion, and I am already dead
>BUT BY THE GOD EMPEROR, WHAT A WONDERFUL ILLUSION IT IS
>Assigned to a rapid response Repentia purge team, cleansing the city of filthy bugs and cowardly metal revenants wherever they DARE TO RAISE THEIR HEADS
>We are SURROUNDED by opportunity for A GLORIOUS DEMISE
>We ride into battle on 1500 HORSEPOWER OF BLESSED WARMACHINE
>NONE CAN STAND BEFORE US
>FOR YOU CANNOT KILL WHAT'S ALREADY DEAD
>OUR FOES DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS TRUTH
>THEY DON'T KNOW THAT SOLACE AND REDEMPTION CAN ONLY BE FOUND IN DEATH
"Nyx?"
>THAT THE GREATEST ACT A LIVING BEING CAN ASPIRE TO IS TO DIE IN GLORY
"Nyx!"
>THAT ETERNAL LIFE IS ETERNAL TORM-
"NYX!"
>Look round
>Entire hearse full of Repentia are staring at me
"You're ranting."
>Oh.
>One of the ones on the back seat lets out an exasperated sigh
"Have you been huffing exhaust fumes again?"
>"That was one time Maria! Why do you have to keep brin-"
>My train of thought is interrupted by the sound of my front tires blowing out
>A spray of caltrops embed themselves in the windshield
>Careen wildly down the street, desperately trying to regain control
>Can't, going too fast
>See a group of stormtroopers trying to push a van
>Can't avoid them
>Slam on the horn as hard as I can
>Ominous bars of pipe organ music reverberate down the street
>They dive
>metalcrunching.vox
>As I uncurl myself from the crash position, hear Eldar jabbering and see the wisps of gas begin to rise around the hearse
>This is why you don't interrupt the driver while she's ranting
>My life is an illusion, and I am already dead
>BUT BY THE GOD EMPEROR, WHAT A WONDERFUL ILLUSION IT IS
mein gott, meine seiten
>Be me, Oswald "the última luz" Helldreks.
>That's right. THE Oswald fucking Helldreks!
>Be the one thing that this shitty ass, former ice world had going for it.
>Blood.
>More specifically, be a Blood Bowl player for the "Cold Shoulder Crystals Sniffers"
>Sorry. FORMER crystal sniffers
>Apparently the old Governor 's daughter. Now the new govenress, changed the name to "The Cold Shoulder Mantled Battlers" as a way of thanking some pussy ass, cape wearing sisters of battle.
>FUCKMYLIFE.holo
>Fuckthisstupidcapeswerewearing.jpeg
>Not important. What's important is this.
>Go back about nine months ago, when shit started hitting the fan
>Apparently, some guard from God-Emperor knows where, start fighting outside the lone hive city on this planet.
>Never did find out what. Who cares, I'm paid to kill other things.
>Be on the middle of the mid season play-offs against our rivals, the "Madrid Beach Walkers"
>I had just scored a gaming tieing touch-down, after breaking the necks of three of our rival players.
>Feelsgood.holo
>That's when it FUCKING HAPPENS!
>Shit starts hitting the fan REAL badly.
>I'm talking "Orks start invading, but that's okay, because something else is invadin' and killing everything else."
>Times that by whatever comes after seven.
>Orks are dropping asteroids on Imperial guard positions. Chaos daemons are skull and anally fucking the former governor and his wife's corpses, on live vox, and the some spike covered, knife earred FAGGOTS! ...Are shooting up the streets, in more ways than one.
>What's worse... is that the Daemons, were skull fucking Governor during MY GAME!!! Like WTF!!!
>Because of this fucking shit, the game has to be called, and neither team gets to go forward
>FUCKLIFE.PNG!
>MFW OUR FUCKING ICE STADIUM IS NOW A FUCKING REFUGEE FILLED CRATER!
>Be me, Sister Olga
>This planet has finally gotten tolerable.
>I mean, it's still a shithole full of filthy hicks playing crusader but now it's also got my boyfriend.
>ChadMarine.jpeg
>He's such a sweety, and not even these catty bitches are willing to talk shit when he's around.
>And the fact that he's a massive and chiseled avatar of war that towers over other space marines doesn't hurt either.
>WhenHes8FeetTall.gif
>Of course, not everything is perfect. I still get stuck going on bug hunts in the caverns.
>Someone around here has to get work down while Terese bangs her harem of widows and the Canoness researches bottles of rosé
>Not sure the Canoness can use a Flamer anymore. The way she drinks, if you lit a match too close to her mouth we all might go up in flames.
>ItsWineO'ClockSomewhere.mp3
>Charlotte at least is getting some work done. Sometimes we end up on Tyranid duty together.
>I give her a lot of advice on how to find and KEEP a man.
>Still me, the almost our of the job Blood Bowl player. Oswald "The Última luz" Helldreks.
>So, with that fucking pussy ass, bitch fight now over and done with. My team and I are brought back to find our once glorious, carved completely from solid ice stadium. Is now nothing more than a charred crater, where our new "arch-bishop", is shoving refugees and bodies.
>BITCHBETTERBUILDUSANEWSTADIUM.ANGRYMARINEGIFS
>Now the team and I, are forced to play what's being called "Peace ball", by the Governress' husband, our bishop, in some fucking makeshift stadium.
>We're now the fucking laughing sticks, of the GALAXY WIDE, BLOOD BOWL LEAGUE!
>Be me, Da Spooky Git
>Iz been kookin up a way ta escape dis 'ere 'umie town
>Lotsa 'umies iz in 'ere now, and lotsa trukks wiff dem
>I, Da Spooky Git, iz gonna take one
>LootMeRide.pngrot
>Iz movin from roof ta roof
>Keepin me eyez peeled
>'Ear some ruckus, 'ead ova to get a look
>Some Eldar pansee iz mukkin about, othas flyin in da air
>PerfectCover.gif
>Like a rainbow in da dark, iz leggin it
>'Ead fer one o dem depots
>'Umies bringin dere trukks in 'ere
>Iz where sum o dem blakk an spikey 'umies keep derez
>Drop down
>Spot me choice
>Noice an shiny
>Sneekin ova
>'Op in
>Look te me grot lad
>Iz 'opin 'ez ready fer some peddle ta metal!
>Start up da trukk
>Start singin'
"DO YA LIKE! ME TRUKK!"
>Tires screech, engine WAAAGH!!!
>Step on da gas
>Lets get outta dis city
>be Canoness
>really not in the mood today
>the Governess knows how to run a local government- apparently paid more attention to her father more than one would expect
>but military matters are firmly out of her wheelhouse
>which makes them my responsibility
>not sure why I ever thought not having full command over the Crusade was a negative
>have to manage allocation of Ermine Mantle, Black Sepulchre and Golden Light Sisters
>Imperial Fists, Salamanders, Purple Stars, Auric Patricians, Broken Shields, fucking Blood Ravens and now the Red Templars
>local PDF yokels from the Bishop's "holy army"
>Guardsmen who at this point probably couldn't even tell me their actual regiment with any certainty
>a few Warhound Titans that would be a gift from the Emperor if they actually fucking followed orders
>it'd be enough to make a woman pull her own hair out if it weren't so utterly flawless
>meet with this Rogue Trader
>as full of himself as any of them, but I'm told he's dependable
>here to bring supplies the Administratum should've had to us months ago
>thank him honestly and make sure he is paid from the planetary defense budget and not the Order's
>at least I have some good news to bring to the strategic meeting
>enter the Cathedral conference room
>Barbastella looks mildly in her own stoic way that she had to wait
>Sister Sara is still covered in dust from her morning undercity raid
>would love to see either of them do my job for a week if they think their lives are so difficult
>an Ermine Mantle Sister rushes to give me a report just as I sit at the table
>Eldar are dicking around below the range of the air-defense guns on those stupid jet-bikes again
>of fucking course they are
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius.
>Just came back from a fight with a bunch of 'Nids, in the undercity.
>Personally slew a ravener that was chasing after some guardsmen.
>Finally get back after being down there for three days straight.
>When I get back, I decide to give sister Olga a call, and ask her if she'd like to do "something tonight".
>Decide to leave it incredibly vague during our chat, and simply tell her.
"Just something I think you'll enjoy, as much as I will."
>Strange thing is, is when I said that, she immediately got this strange look to her eyes. As if she were picturing something...
>God, I hope she doesn't realize that I want to show her that hill a few kilometers from the city, that's somehow started growing grass and flowers upon its once glass like surface...
>Anyways. She takes all but a second and a half, before saying yes.
>Before parting, we talk for a few more minutes, and then I place a kiss upon her cheek.
>We still haven't "done it" or even kissed for that matter. So that's about as far as I've dared to take our relationship so far.
>Her fellow sisters had the strangest look in their eyes, at that exact moment. But I couldn't exactly tell what they were thinking.
>Imnolibrarian.jpeg
>Anywhom. We plan on heading out tonight around 8'o'clock.
>Hopefully she'll enjoy it. I'll probably make some sort of meal, and pack a nice blanket for us to lay upon, and gaze up at the stars from.
>I am Phillip, or Phil if you prefer
>Watch as our only method of transporting our possibly ethically dubious goods is crippled by a Spiteful Eldar, and then destroyed by what appears to be a very Large and long Pipe organ tank
“NO!”
>See Fessus running in a panic towards the tank
“NO PLEASE! PLEASE BE ALL RIGHT!”
>why I had no idea he had empathy withi-
>He veers off towards the wreckage of the van and starts pulling at the crates
“Oh thank goodness! You’re okay. Don’t worry, daddy’s here now. And daddy’s going to make sure you all get to your new homes where you can make daddy a lot of money.”
>Of course.
>After I Help Decarus up, we all make our way over to the crashed Vehicle.
>The Pipe Organ Aesthetic
>The Dark, Macabre color scheme.
>Why this vehicle must belong to the Order of the Black Sepulcher!
>And as the Occupants piled out of the Smoking vehicle, you’ll never guess who I saw
>“Sister Maria! Why what luck!”
“Oh hello Phil, fancy us running into each other like this!”
“Yes, what luck indeed”
>”Oh yes hello again Sister Annmarie, I hope it wasn’t too much trouble find a replacement for that chair. Anyways Maria, what brings you and your sisters out here at such a time of Night?”
“I could ask the Same of you Phillip, we were just heading out for a night-time purging run, and as you know, We of the Black Sepulcher work best under the cover of Darkness, for what better time is there for our bodies to accept the truth our mind has already long known, and take it’s last breaths when moonlight shines upon us Like a-“
“Yeah yeah, that’s great Maria, but listen, do you think you could maybe give us a ride back to Guard HQ? We’re kind of in hurry to bring these supplies back to base and you all ride kind of just totaled our ride.”
>Geez mind your manners Fessus
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!”
>Out of the vehicle stumbles a wild eyed Sister with a furious look, and slightly singed hair.
(1/2)
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Canoness is having some sort of Ecclesiarchal meeting at the Matrimonial Cathedral
>I can't say I love going there, but that's just because I can get so much more done at home in the mansion.
>WorkingFromHome.png
>Gather my elite retinue, in full combat gear.
>I'm sure nothing will happen at the Cathedral. I just make sure we are all constantly armed and armored to the teeth for appearances.
>Load into the Exorcist.
>Don't even see why these meetings are necessary, but the Governess says it's important to stay active.
>WeCanBeActiveAtHome.lewd
>Start hearing on the vox that there is some kind of attack.
>I fucking hate Eldar.
>Start demanding to know why this hasn't be taken care of on the vox.
>I'm a Bishop I shouldn't have to deal with this shit.
>I could. I would even. But I think that someone else should handle it.
>Immediately.
(2/2)
“Nyx”
“NO! We really an important mission to teach the scum the of this city THE GLORY OF A GOOD DEATH! We do not have time to be playing as the Gaurdsman Schola Bus!”
“Nyx please. I can vouch for these Stormtroopers, I fought with them back during the Seige when I had gotten separated. The are a Loyal Hardy and Competant Bunch, and adding them to our numbers would only increase our effectiveness”
“While I can’t say much about their competence in good conscience, I can attest to their hardiness, especially of the little one they tried to use as a battering ram.”
“Who me? I don’t remember that.”
“You were asleep Decarus.”
“Absolutely not! We are already too far behind on Showing the Xenos and Heretics THE FUTILITY OF LIFE! Besides even if I wanted to, I could not. MY POOR HEARSE is in no condition to drive either.”
>It is at this point that Marcus looks much more interested in the conversation.
“So wait, what if we could get your hearse working again? Then would you consider takin us along”
“IF you could achieve such an impossible feat, then yes, I would consider letting you and your belongings accompany us.”
“Boys...Get me Duct tape and start movin those crates, I got this”
Tfw when I had this all typed in my notes but then accidentally deleted it
Move to quest faggot
>Stop having fun the wrong way!
The absolute state of nu-Veeky Forums. Fucknoff same fag.
>I'm (Saint) Brigitte
>Get told over the vox that some of those flying-boat Eldar are back
>The darn air defenses are supposed to shoot them down but they always get under it somehow
>The Avenger planes can't attack them so low either
>I can fly, so that's supposed to make it my job
>But they're so fast!
>I have bird wings, I fly at bird speed
>Shoot some holy fire at them
>That's really my usual go-to
>They're too far away but it seems to scare them off
>I hear the vox go off again
>Some sneaky Ork is escaping in a stolen vehicle and I need to catch it
>I can't be everywhere at once!
>I'm a Saint, not a miracle worker
>I'm a Saint, not a miracle worker
>Be me, the Chosens ones Chosen
>One of the Commisars, that stoud brave in the battles, I believe the one with the baneblade contacts me
>mfw when their might be this alpha legion retards on the planet, these fucks allways cheated while gambling and pretended to a complete different game, also never play chess against them agian
>Braceyourself.png
>tell him we meet at the cogboys place, take some of our guards with us and tell babe to hop into the car
>I will drive
>Eurobeatintesifies
>Hopefully its not to late, I wil slay mutants, demons and heretics alike, but you need to punch the alphafaggots in the ground before they even think about getting ideas
>Get Babe to hop into my car
>be me, sybarite Drazar
>manage to ditch the helmet and my tail
>see the venom everyonce in a while
>it gave up after a bit
>decide to go back to the place I was before
>with more caltrops and a Blaster in case they think I forgot about them
>zoom over and see big winged Mon'keigh shooting at raiders
>idea.reaver
>flank around from a distance and low to the ground until I'm behind her and almost directly below
>gun the thing and ho fast as fuck towards her
>supriseanal.slaves
>fire blaster and splinter rifle
>immediately pull away
>dont see if I hit her or not
>don't want to be around in case I didn't
>speed away
>find the spot I last dropped the caltrops
>see bigger mess than before
>laugh
>drop more caltrops in case they think I forgot
>zoom into the same building as before
>stay inside this time, but mock them from afar
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Was just about to go exterminate some Eldar, but bae needs me.
>YoureLucky.gif
>Yell into the vox some more, then go with my bride.
>Says the Commissar has some sort of information.
>Still not sure if that guy is warp spawn. Or one of that guy anyway.
>Says we're going to see the AdMech. Apparently they aren't trying to exterminate us anymore.
>OhOk.jpg
>Says something about an Alpha Legion.
>Have no idea what that is.
>Whatever, can't be as bad as fighting psychotic space marines.
Collaborative writefagging isn't quests.
Rolled 1 (1d20)
>Be me, Jaren Artorius, Primaris Sergeant.
>On my way to pick up Olga, i get a vox transmission through my helmet.
>Apparently, something is going on near my area.
>Say I'll go check it out, as much as I know I'll be late.
>Fuckthisheresy.emp
>Upon arriving at the area, I find a crushed truck, and a shitload of caltrops.
>Look up in the sky, to find something is happening.
>Something with wings, and two spike covered objects are up in the sky
>Oh!itsthelivingsaintfightingoffdarkeldar.jpeg
>....
>Fuck!
>Thankfully, it's still not safe enough in the city for me to be walking around without power armour and a bolter.
>Thinking carefully as I make my way towards the battle, I quickly load my call pattern bolter with grenade launcher attachment, with a leak grenade, before making my way up to the roof of a half ruin building.
>Fucking Dark Eldar, are going to make me late for my date! I'll make you pay for this!
>Once I've reached the roof, I take up position, and quickly choose a target.
>A jetbike, or the transport with all the fetish dark Eldar.
>Fucking obvious choice.
>Wait for the right moment, before firing the Krak grenade at the transport with all the loose looking women.
>Olgaisbetterlooking.png
The fuck are you rolling for? That shit really will get us moved to qst.
>Be Original Commissar
>Me and my future self have managed to get the cogboys HQ though had to use the baneblade to drive there due to Dark Eldar being fucking assholes, again
>Moments after arriving was started hearing some weird 2 millennium music that just gets louder and louder as it approaches
>It peaks when we hear "GAS GAS GAS" before a Emperor damned Rhino burst through the wall of the building with an deranged looking Governess pops out
>I swear she was foaming at the mouth over how royally pissed she looked
"You stated you have some recording from a dead Alpha Legionare"
>"Yes my lady here it is, please be car--"
>She just grabs it from my hand and then forces some of the cogboys into a room with her
>The only thing we can hear is just angry rambles about how the Alpha Legion should learn what proper party game rules are
>WTF.schola
>It just continued to get more backward with the future version of myself and the Governesses Bishop husbando just starring each other down
>It got worse when some of the cogboys noticed the Bishop was more machine then man by this point started chanting "01001111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110101 01110011 00100000 01001111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110101 01110011"
>I'm still Brigitte.
>Scared those Eldars off
>Now to catch that Ork guy
>I see the stolen vehicle tearing down the street, heading for one of the gates out of Angels' Landing
>I dive for it like the falcons in all the bird videos I watched while training with Sister Sara
>I hear an engine noise and something starts hitting me
>Look down and see that Eldar on the flying bike
>He's shooting one of those needle-guns at me, they just bounce off my aura
>I'm not scared of that
>Raise my sword to shoot him down
>He shoots some weird black-light beam that smacks me straight in the chest
>Okay, ow
>I tumble in the air
>Not really hurt but I lost my balance
>My... air balance
>It's kind of hard to explain to people who haven't got wings
>I fall, but I manage to figure things back out before I hit the ground
>That butthole
>I missed where he went, but I scan the flat ground outside of the city and don't spot him
>I have really good eyes, it's a Living Saint thing
>Like... bird eyes
>Saints are basically holy bird people, like Sanguinius, I guess the God-Emperor really likes birds
>He's got to still be in the city somewhere
>I'm gonna find him and give him a piece of my mind
>Be Decarus
>Be standing here trying to guard the hearse while Marcus fixes it.
>This is actually the first time i’ve Gotten to meet Miss Maria, since I was in the hospital when everyone else was meeting everyone.
>Well actually I did meet her that one time, but I was passed out for it.
“Oh my Emperor, you gotta be freaking kidding me! Why is he back here again?!”
“Oh come on, hasn’t he done enough damage already? I just wanna get Home already.”
“Apparantly not, as he’s dropping even more caltrops.”
“Oh for the love of”
“Nothing, Probably giggling his little knife ears off.”
“Whatever he’s doing do you think you could get him to stop, I’m busy trying to fix shit here”
“I’m sorry, but I’m a bit lost here, who is this Xeno?”
>”That’s who we were talking about before Ma’am. He’s the Eldar who dropped all these caltrops and started following us around and shooting out our tires.”
“Why? Is he after the supplies you’re carrying?
>“No I don’t think so. I think he’s just naturally an asshole like all Eldar. It’s like ingrained in their DNA or something.”
“How dangerous is he?”
>”Not very in my opinion. He hasn’t tried to kill anyone, he’s just being a really annoying.”
>Man everyone sure is getting worked up about this guy.
>If Only I could do something about this big bully.
>But he’s all the way up there, and I’m down here.
>And he has some sort of sniper rifle.
>He’d either Shoot me or run away by the time I got up there.
>hmm
>Maybe instead of going up there, I can get him to come down here.
>Those walls are awfully weak looking,
>“Hey, Miss Maria, do you have any detpacks?
“Sure, in the back. Why?”
>”No reason”
>Now ive just gotta take these and plant these and inconspicuously as possible
(1/2)
>doot de doo doo don’t mind me, just being inconspicuous by crumbly wall
>Diddy dee, totally not planting anything explosive or anything on these weak walls,
>I don’t think I’m too good at that whole inconspicuous thing but it’s okay because he seems to be too busy making faces at Lloyd, who’s gettin really angry and jumping up and down and shouting.
>Walk away to a safe distance before detonating
>Timbeerrrrr.gif
>wait isn’t that only with trees?
>oh what ever
>”It’s okay guys, I solved the Eldar problem”
>Everyone just looks completely stunned
>”What?”
>Suddenly, the Eldar burrows his way of of the rubble
>Lloyd gets a really big and evil looking grin on his face
“I got this, Marcus gimme your Duct tape for a second.”
>be me, sybarite Darzar
>be in pain
>what the fuck
>one second I was laughing at the Mon'keigh
>now I buried in rubble
>jetbike's probably wrecked
>fuuuuuuuuuck
>getting harder to breath
>thankfully my visage is protected by that cool helmet that reavers wear
>man this thing's kick ass
>start to dig my way out
>starting to regret coming back
>not worth
>not worth at all
>regrets can come when I'm out though
>finally get back to the surface
>surprisingly I'm not that beat up
>stand triumphantly
>almost immediately collapse
>see Mon'keigh staring at me
>well, I'm dead
>hello darkness, my old friend
>I've come to speak to you again
>I'm not high enough for this
>Be Decarus
>Marcus finally managed to get the Hearse repaired,
>Between the Van and the Eldar’s bike he was able to scavenge enough parts to get it working again.
>I still don’t see why he needed to take apart some pieces of the Bike though
>There’s a bit more smoke than usual but that can be fixed later
>Once we’re in, I start feelin kinda bad
>”Ehh Guys, do you think we should just leave him all duct-taped in a ball like that? I mean it’s not like he actually tried to kill us or anything”
“Absolutely.”
>”But there’s all sorts of Nasty things in this place”
“He’s an Eldar Warrior he can handle himself, they’re supposed to be good at fighting.”
>”But without his guns?”
“Well we have to keep it fair don’t we?”
>”And all tied up?”
“Oh it’ll be fine, He’s a Dark Eldar, he probably enjoys it. Besides, if he ever get’s tired, he can just cut himself out using the caltrops”
>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Be in me new trukk
>Iz blakk an spikey, loik dem 'umies
>Iz drivin down da road
>Could be usin dis toim ta shoot da 'umie
>But iz gotta go fast
>Fasta
>Dem Pansee Eldar will take da attenshun offa me
>But Iz gotta git out before dey knowz iz 'ere
>Krash outta da city
>get drivun
>Iz gonna be a bit of a ride
>Iz 'opin da boyz will be ready fer krumpin when iz get dere
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>What the hell is even going on?
>How does my wife, who was the sheltered and innocent victim of her corrupt family, know what an Alpha Legion is?
>Whose going to tell me what an Alpha Legion is?
>What is all this nonsense screeching?
>ProbablyHeresy.png
>Why is this warp spawn staring me down? And why does no one else have a problem with this?
>DefinitelyHeresy.jpg
>Why is everything moving so fast? Everything is supposed to be perfect now.
>Do Mechanicus Burn?
>I know warp spawn do.
>ItsGettingHotInHere.mp3
>Getting irritated, I'd rather be at home.
>Need to get answers but also be suitably diplomatic. I'm not solely in charge anymore, I need to be cordial but firm.
SOMEONE is going to tell me what in the Emperor's name is going on or I swear I will burn this place to the ground with all of you in it.
>Be me, Colonel James Arthur of Praetorian guard regiment
>been doing piss all for the last few years
>needsomethingtodo.voxcast
>hear something about 12 way shitshow
>what the Dickens.psychicmessage
>Top brass generals want us to mobilize cause the conscripts have nothing better to do
>commissar thinks this is a good idea
>the'regonnadie.moustachetwirl
>just pray it's not a repeat of big toof
>EmperorProtects.mov
>Que "bishop for ants" speech.
>Be me, Jaren Artorius, Primaris Sergeant.
>Tfw your Krak grenade just blew the Dark Eldar transport, carrying those lewd looking witches, straight in half.
>MFW they fell twenty stories, before hitting the ground next to where that Eldar jetbike crashed.
>God, I love this gun. Not as much as the autoboltstorm gauntlets, but it's enough.
>I lower my rifle onto my pauldron, a proud look upon my face.
>I wish Olga had been here to see this.
>...
>......
>........
>...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
>I'mfuckinglate!.gif
>I quickly made my way down the stairs of the have block, and into the street.
>spend the next five minutes at full sprint, running as if an apex predator were chasing me as a child.
>Olga isn't going to forgive me for this!
>MFW some stupid Eldar have now caused me to be late by half an hour for my date with sister Olga.
>Fuck Xenos!
>Be Sister Nyx
>On the whole, these stormtroopers aren't so bad
>Definitely have an appreciation for the small one's mechanical capability
>And his use of my det packs
>Was saving those for the next nest of bugs, but I feel like the escalation was appropriate
>After all, the Eldar did BLOW OUT MY FUCKING TIRES
>Should have shot him, but we're behind schedule as is
>Nids aren't going to kill themselves, after all
>Perhaps we'll show them THE MEANING OF DEATH
>Wait
>Stormtrooper's are looking at me funny
>Maria's giving me a warning look
>Did I say that out loud?
>Fuck
>Okay be cool Nyx, eyes on the road, small talk
>"SOOOOO, you boys ready TO PURGE THE NEST OF ABOMINATIONS IN THE EYES OF THE GOD EMPEROR?"
>...From their expressions I'm not sure they are
>Maria is facepalming
>Maybe I should just keep my eyes on the road
>be Canoness
>storming out of the Matrimonial Cathedral with the Sisters in tow
>don't know what's worse
>the fact that I've got an "Alpha Legion problem" to worry about
>or that fact that our dear Commissar neglected to inform me until after he told those impulsive local government degenerates
>idiots, all of them
>they're the fucking Alpha Legion
>they don't just leave bodies and intel behind
>not unless they want you to find them
>dead
>he's dead
>how the fuck is that even possible
>well this is a big wrench that got stuck in the training plan
>it is recoverable though, this gives us an extra tool in the other plan
>commotion coming from tunnel closeby
>sounds like some angry imperials
>I step back and gesture to the tunnel
>"well if he's dead, how do you feel about living and getting some nice revenge? I can make that happen"
>he looks at me long and hard, then looks down to the tyranid he was skinning, then back to the where the are sounds are coming from, slowly getting closer
>"ok"
>he picks up the tyranid, wanders in the side entrance and I point him down the ladder and tell him to keep walking
>quickly close the false door
>set the motion detector to blow the explosives once anything gets close
>that worked out
>commencing mission "frame the bird brains"
*false wall mb
Don't take this the wrong way mate, but I'm going to ignore this. Story wise the venom and its occupants have fucked off somewhere else, not to mention I'm still going to use them for later shenanigans. Sorry I missed your first thing mate, but reguardless I got plans.
Oh, that's no problem. Sorry about that. Just wanted to join in the fun
Guess I'll say I blew up some other Eldar.
yeah, don't just kill other people's characters off please, that's pretty rude
>Be genestealer patriarch
>Used to have a pretty good cult going
>Keeping low, slowly spreading through the downtrodden and forgotten
>Sheer ecstatic joy when hive fleet arrives
>Children join the battles filled with joy
>Children are all dead.psychicscream
>Hive is scattered and broken, connection to hive mind severed.
>Back to square one, all work is for naught.
> But I'm a determined genestealer.
>I'm going to start a new cult, and it's going to be the biggest and best cult ever.
>It's going to attract ALL the hive fleets, and the norn queens are going to call me a good boy and take my special genetic code to make replicas because I am best genestealer.
>Am now crawling into sewers, awaiting opportunity
Please delete white text posts if you'd be so kind.
>Be Colonel
>moving shit is taking a long time
>fuckingslowidiots.jpg
>while waiting for all our supplies, armour and the likes to be prepped for transport read up on this planet
>what the fuck
>place starts out as nothing and goes to some total war shitshow
>time to put a call into high command and see if this a good idea
>"Sir reading up on this planet makes it seem like going anywhere near the sector is less than a good idea"
>"yes I know we have too many conscripts who have no idea how to use a lasgun but this is the worst idea since Montar VII"
>Ok, we'll go and join up with the imperial forces there but don't expect any miracles out of us"
>Pray to the Emperor that there won't be any Orks
>Be me
>Steel legion somehow gets called to some shithole planet with like 12 fucking factions fighting on it
>bytheemperor.pict
>Commissar comes in and gives us a briefing
>Commissar finishes and by the Emperor's grace no one is shot
>Get sent to squad's chimera for a drop
>Planet has a breathable atmosphere, why are we here?
>mfw
>Be genestealer
>Be lurking in dark alleys, out of sight
>See a man, staggering and drunk.
>Perfect target.stalker
>Grab the man. In his daze, he is unable to react as I place a big ol' smooch on his lips, darting ovipositor tongue deep within his throat and implanting DNA warping material.
>Pull back and watch him writhe, squirm, and vomit.
>Coo softly and pet new member of the brood, telling him how much of a good boy he will be, and how he should find a nice girl to settle down with to help expand the family.
>Tell him you want grandkids as soon as possible.
>Skulk back to sewers
>Today was a good day.smile
>be Hakron Geras, alpha legion operator-master of cell ΨΟ
>the Sororitas, The local Militarum, Mechanicus and the Ecclesiarchy Representatives have taken the bait of the "recording device" planted on the "alpha legionaire"
>literally just some sanctified beserker spraypainted metallic blue
>not like they would know the difference
>thanks to the "recording device" we have ID'd most important members of each faction on the ground
>now to choose a target for operation "blame the bird brains"
>the Ecclesiarchy reps are technically the ones with the most info, since I myself have played my fair share of board games with those inserted cultists, god they were daft
>but they have easily usable forces that can be turned quite quickly, without leadership they would probably disperse
>sororitas reps aren't of a high quality threat but their deaths wouldn't make too much of an impact
>the militarum is an interesting case, two of the exact same commissar are both leading the same army
>that may be a point to keep out for
>and the mechanicus, whom I can also use but not kill, since their fervent want of tech can be bent into a valuable weapon
>I think a council is in order
>call in all available alpha legionaires for a special occassion
>a
>big
>helpful
>brainstorming session
*are a high priority threat
sorry I am making too many spelling mistakes today
Just leave them be. We all have typos and correcting them just eats post count.
>Be me, Drathor
>Be being pushed along by this big blue fether
>Going down this ladder
>Long ass ladder
>WhatAThrill.mp3
>Make it to the bottom
>Look up at this big blue fether
>Figures he wants to keep me around
>Wants me to be his 'little'
"No"
>Feth that
>I already had a Big
>I'm not getting another one
>He's a marine, and probably one of those traitor marines
>Doesn't matter
>I'm not going to be herded along like some sheep
>He wants to help me get revenge?
>I'll do it myself
>FethEmAll.png
>He's big
>But these tunnels are cramped
>Slide into a side passage
>Don't give him an explanation
>I'm sure he'll get over it
>Find some other cultists to help him
>I'm doing it my way now.
>Be cultist of the dark gods
>patrolling some ruins, executing the "civilians" who worship the false emperor, pissing on Aquilas
>hear rumbling
>feel rumbling
>whatinthenameofthegreatones.jpg
>guard chimera is coming down the street
>plot an ambush
>chimera stops
>rageintensifies.khorne
>back pops open and a bunch of trench coated fucks walk out
>run because there are 10 of them and one of me
>trip over rock
>get up and look behind me
>the last thing I see on this mortal plane is 3 guardsmen
pic related
>Be Fessus
>Actually you know what, don’t be Fessus, being me is just one cruel with no punch line.
>This was supposed to be a simple grab and go mission, that’s all
>Just a simple heist
>alright fine, there I said it, it was a heist, a robbery, a large scale mugging.
>But you know what, those guys we stole these crates from we’re thieves anyways. You can’t thieve from thieves. And we’ve been slogging it through the worst shit imaginable for so damn long, that we deserved a nice simple mission where everything would work out, and we’d get something nice for it.
>instead We almost get shot by Gangers, get stopped and toyed with by Eldar, and now we’re off with a suicide squad to go fight a Nids without any heavy ordinance.
>At least they were nice enough to let me bring these crates along, so I can Be reminded of why we’re all going to die
>Oh and these wierd Eldar weapons too that could be sold for a lot money too I bet
>Frankly I’m just glad they let me take it on instead of destroying it
>Maybe it’ll help us not Die in this obvious deathtrap.
>By the Emperor, why can’t anything ever be easy.
>The Universe Must Hate me, it must! >Why else would it keep putting me in these situations?
>It’s insanity!
>What could I have even done to deserve this?
>besides the stealing of course
>but still, they were thieves so it shouldn’t count!
>God-Emprah I never thought I would be missing the Barracks cots so much.
>be unhappy operative Mefros
>have this khornate guardsman with a big axe and bigger problems underneath
>he doesn't seem happy at all with the current turn of events
>even though I will literally offer him a chance to murder that bishop who intel suggests killed the "Gut" as this guy knows him
>suddenly he stops
>turns around
>the fucking idiot looks at me and says "no" and bounds off into a little side sewer
>I
>didn't even get to explain my plan
>++mission failed
>we'll not get him next time++
>well, this trip was almost completely worthless
>hopefully the bombs atleast kill one of those roaming squad
>atleast I'll be back in time for the brainstorming session
>god i'm so sad
>Be genestealer
>Be scurrying through the sewer
>Be happy that I'm working on expanding the brood
>See large armored human.
>Consider options.
>Nope.jpg
>Stick to shadows, wait for big human to leave.
>Be Colonel
>our shitty little regiment of conscripts has arrived on what ever the fuck this planet is called, Cold Shoulder? the fuck
>while our shits getting unloaded so we can get something done try to find someone who can tell me why this place looks like it's been on fire
>theresnoonearound.vox
>How hard is it for there to be guarded zones put together if this place still has shit on it, like there's what looks like Eldar shit here
>where are the defenses?
>All I see are chimeras and rhinos blazing around at the speed of sound, and some cultist who looks like he was either flattened or kicked in the head, can't tell
>time to go for a walk then...
>Be Future Commissar
>Continue my stair down of the Cyborg Bishop
>Can tell by the look in his eyes that he is about to start some burnings
>Probably due to the cogboys that are in the room are by this point molesting the mechanical parts of him and keep doing their binary chants
>This is really freaking out the original me and the Bishops guards but nobody has any idea what to do since the Mechanicum pretty much makes all of our shit
>Pray to the Emperor something will come to change this predicament
>That pray was answered when the Canoness kicked the door open
"Commissar do you have any idea about how the Alpha Legion--"
>It was at that moment that she witnessed our dear Bishop Boy robot getting assulted by the cogboys and heard his waifu making mad ravings about Alpha Legion Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker
>She is somehow able to display confusion through her mechanical eyes
>"Why don't we take this conversation to another room for know Canoness until the Governess is done with that message"
>She just nods and we follow her
>Dear Emperor this is going to be a rough night
>Be I, El'Vish, Spiritseer of Saim-Hann
>Been walking through the caverns for a bit, air feels damp.
>Prys'Ellia leading the way, completely silent
>TalkAboutYourDeadEndConversations.png
>Cavern walls start to shift, looking a bit more unnatural and clearly carved.
>After another bit begin noticing more signs of disturbance, some cracked stones, some strange markings, the works
>Finally see the first sign of life on this world, in a discarded tool
>I had read the Mon'Keigh used these Pyks to harvest minerals from the earth
>SoUncivilized.mp3
>Cast it aside, atleast means we're getting close to the surface.
>Start seeing mine carts, can see we're on track
>GetIt.gif
>Finally see light, approaching with some relief
>I prefer wide open spaces, like many of my Craftworld
>Mine shafts are just not my speed
>Come to the exit, feel the temperature dropping, the winds howling
>Figure this place was once the center of a mining operation for the Mon'Keigh
>Guess they got tired of smacking rocks together
>Honestly surprised
>Regardless, we're still a ways off from our goal
>I can feel the emanations of the lost spirit stones
>Better get moving
>Exit the mine shaft, stepping outside
>El'Vish has left the building everyone.
>El'Vish has left the building everyone.
YOU FUCKER
>Be Drathor, The Last Crasher
>Be honestly a little lost down here in these depths
>Not that I ever really knew where I was going in the first place
>Left Big Blue, still set on doing things my way
>But, since he's showed up, it's got me thinking
>Things might be starting to pick up again
>I'm not going to miss that chance
>Means I got to get top side, and get a feel for the situation, see how things are going.
>Which means going up
>IfOnlyItWereThatSimple.gif
>Just means I need to not only find my way out of a network of tunnels filled with the crons and bugs, not to mention the loyalist imperials
>Oh, and also make sure Big Blue doesn't try to 're-acquire' me in a more forceful manner
>No worries
>I got this
>I think....
>while walking back to cell-hq I noticed some feet scraping along the parallel tunnel that leads back to the surface
>oh gee maybe it's fuckstick mcgee thinking he maybe can't take on the entire imperial forces with only an axe he can't even use right
>no instead it's a some mutant who is trying to hide in the dark from a space marine with nightvision
>wait a minute
>that's a fucking genestealer acoylite
>he's got a big fucking head, like they all do
>that gives me an idea
>didn't even know there were genestealers here, we can use this
>ignore the genestealer and pick up speed
>if I don't get there soon I'll miss the start of the session
(Genestealer is a purestrain about halfway towards being a patriarch)
>Big human leaves
>Sigh of bug relief.mp3
>Now, to look for somebody more important
>Can't build up a good cult with just hobos and drunks
>Follow your psychic nose.
>Sneaking through tunnels.sneak
>Find a weird thin human with a weird slender robot.
>Wait, that's one of those Eldar things.
>Hive mind never told me about those.
>Wonder what it's doing here.
>Wonders if it can be added to brood?
>Watch for now, robot is scary
so we're genociding that specific craft world next thread, right? You know, when we go on that crusade we've all been talking about.
you then do realize that purestrains can fuck up even terminators in melee right?
Be Colonel
>place has fuck all on it like why did this even become an important system in the first place?
> all I can see are ruined Eldar shit and a lot of corpses
>iseedeadpeople.jpg
>the most troops we have here are what looks like a skeleton pdf, some, by the looks of the burn marks, bolter bitches, and space marines
>don't understand why but this place must of had some significance to of had this many troops on it
>fuck it, time to go back to finding someone who looks like their in chrage
>see governors mansion
>might be a good place to start
>ontheroadagain.png
I do indeed however it is best not to take risks when reward isn't enough. The cult basically lives and dies with the genestealer.
Also, I don't want to fuck with other characters too much since this is basically my first line of posts on this thing.
>be Canoness
>not entirely sure what's going on
>fucking Mechanicum weirdos
>head outside with the Commissar to wait with the Sisters
>of the two of them, I prefer the alternate reality copy
>whatever he went through on that other world improved his disposition
>consider that I've never apologized to him for hypothetically keeping his timeline from ever existing
>fucking time travel, never again
>consider also that I'm not actually the least bit sorry about it
>doubt it's something he minded much anyway
>he gets me up to speed and I chastise him halfheartedly for not informing me first
>pretty sure he already learned that lesson without any help