ITT: Shit your players do

ITT: Shit your players do

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Making shitty, pointless threads

Exist, unlike yours.

The problem isn't that they talk too much, it's that they don't know when to stop talking. Combat drags on for hours because they spend time in between their turns showing each other memes and laughing instead of thinking about what they're going to do. I constantly feel rushed and unable to put any proper description into their environments as I can't talk for more than 20 seconds without being either interrupted or someone taking out their phone. I've told them on several occasions now to shut the fuck up and they quieten down for about 20 minutes before aping out again. It's exhausting having to corral them and I'm considering just ending the campaign as despite telling them numerous times that their behavior is shitty they won't stop. After every session they all tell me they loved it but I'm not.

>Tell me they love the game

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It sounds like you made friends with people that are there to do it as a chore on your behalf than for themselves.

I thought that too but I've asked each of them individually what they think of the game and they've all listed off different things they enjoy about it. On sessions where not everyone can make it the game plays like a breeze as everyone's more focused and get shit done. When we have everyone together, however, (6 man party) everyone's too busy chatting to one another to focus on the game and it's like pulling teeth. I know I shouldn't have invited so many people to play in the first place but I just hoped they'd be considerate and quiet enough to be manageable.

Teehee Maccaroni is the bane of my fucking existence.

Every fucking campaign that my GM runs inevitably at some point involves running into an NPC named "Teehee Maccaroni," who the GM affectionately describes as "an epic level sorcerer who's also a retarded nudist gnome."

Teehee Maccaroni wander the countryside with a unique Rod of Wonders powered by "retard magic" shoved up his anus, and he casts the Rod of Wonders by diddling his penis. He says nothing but his own name in different inflections and the phrase "I like-a the goodberry, gimme gimme the goodberry." The GM thinks it's hilarious to have this character show up during the middle of encounters we're struggling at and start jerking off magic everywhere.

But the worst part is his chant. He wanders around chanting his name, so when he's about to show up the GM will start low;
>Tee-hee-hee, Maccaroni Maccaroni
>Tee-hee-hee, Maccaroni Maccaroni
And then get louder and louder until he's fucking shouting
>TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI!
>TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI!

And the table loves it! The other guys I play with think this is the best shit! Teehee Maccaroni has been our table's de-facto inside joke, our signature "running gag" for six years now. When that chant starts up, everyone else joins in like a ritual; the whole table is expected to start chanting "TEE HEE HEE, MACCARONI MACCARONI" by the end, and every fucking time I refuse because this is some embarrassing circa-2002 Penguin of Doom shit, it's always the same thing; "There goes user again! No fun allowed around user! user's just a big grouch who's getting angry because we're making him touch Teehee Maccaroni's penis again! Why won't you just let us have fun with this character, he's just here for dumb fun, you stick-in-the mud!"

These motherfuckers are all over 25 years old.

Teehee Maccaroni is going to be the death of me.

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Every time I see this pasta I fucking lose it

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using some kind of timer always helps. i they want a break to talk, they should just ask for one

Played a 6-man party in highschool, and we always had that problem too.
In a 6-man party, each player only spends about 1/12 of the time playing, because not only are there the 5 other players, there's also the GM who has to do stuff as well.

Try smaller enemy counts (or grouping several weaker enemies into acting like one large mass)
Accommodate the possibility of only 4 or 3 players showing up, similar to how in star trek what characters are there and important is different each episode. To give a sense of continuity give the players a building/ship/organization they can care about.

It's a tough problem to solve OP, good luck.

>player decides that his new PC will be a product of incest
>Say that is okay because his parents were expelled from the village so there was consequences

I almost strangled him but we are good friends and as long as he doesn't bring it up I'm okay with it.

>wasted lots of time not getting to a dungeon because the door is under a pound thinking the water is delayed acid or has poison in it

I don't see why that's a problem... It's his fucking fetish isn't it.
Me personally? I have pretty good PCs, but there's a dickass thief who had to be persuaded to not take all the loot because his character is a selfish dickbag. He will learn.

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It's a gamble , the gamble might go well or he might start to shoehorn some magical realms

I have one PC who seems to just enjoy spreading misery. I don't mean it in the random sense, but he just deliberately goes out of his way to be as much as a dick as possible to villains.

In one recent session, the party fought a female sorceress who served the main villain. Basically half her body was burned, and the villain gave her an eyepiece that gave the illusion of beauty. So she served him in order to look normal.

After she was defeated, the PC ripped her eyepiece away, and went:

> "How does it feel to be ugly again?"

Then he set her on fire with Alchemist's Fire, and went:

> "That's better, now both sides match."

My other PCs don't seem to care that, you know, this is a pretty shitty way to kill someone. I mean, it's not that he wasn't invested in the setting. But he deliberately read up on the material just to find the best way to fuck with her!

Don't get so attached to your villains, they're going to die anyway.

As long as everybody's having fun does it matter?

It's the deliberate sadism I'm uncomfortable with. Another villain was purposefully mutilated before he was killed. The PC specifically broke his glasses, then kicked him to death while the rest of the party just sort of waved him on.

O_o

How is he not evil? What class is he, anyway?

Sounds like one of those third-world acid attacks

Chaotic Neutral Wizard. His backstory was that his town was razed by the villain faction, and he fled as a refugee. After he learned enough magic, he came back with the explicit intent of evening the score.

Freak out when their character gets badly hurt, or threaten to stop being friends with the DM if their character gets killed off.

I know they do the latter jokingly, but it always pisses me off. You're here to play a game, not write a novel.

>Another villain was purposefully mutilated before he was killed.

Breaking glasses isn't mutilation.

Obviously he's hell-bent on fucking them up. If you're not okay with that, while allow the PC?

One player likes becoming the mole. They don’t necessarily act against the party but do things like adopt objectives or a patron that at least conflicts with other party member.

It becomes annoying when they take the conflict they initiated personally and try to get back at the player whose character is opposite of theirs. This grudge will be passed down through characters until finally we’re playing Paranoia because the grudge spreads out as more characters become collateral.

Since I’m the 40krpg GM, I’m fine with this atmosphere in game and use the discord to bounce my plot against.

>"That's better, now both sides match."
Fucking lost it. You have a wonderful player, cherish him.
>but cruelty
She fucked with the wrong people.

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I'm just saying, that's not a really heroic way to deal with things. More, she was hardly irredeemable, she wasn't part of the original atrocity. I'm pretty sure one of the other PCs liked her, too, which made it all the more frustrating when he didn't speak up. (To be honest, I think he lost interest in her the moment he realized she was actually ugly from being burned.)

My dude. He's chaotic neutral. He isn't our for heroic. This player just wants shit to burn if you wanted heroic ways to handle your villains you should have set up hard alignment limits as good. He's playing out a bitter and broken man who lost everything and has an irrational grudge. This kind of rp is amazing if you lose this pc you've just lost your black astronaut

clever girl

>just deliberately goes out of his way to be as much as a dick as possible to villains.

Sheesh, I wish mine would limit the sadism to "villains", you're luckier than you know user.

>that's not a really heroic way to deal with things
So? Heroes are fucking boring. You have a player who is interested in actually playing a character, treasure that! Encourage it!

My players always go out of their way to make the BBEG feel like an idiot before killing them. It's practically a tradition at this point.

I wouldn't call it amazing, it's pretty easy to play the chaotic neutral "lmao I kick the puppy" jackass. You can't even call his backstory all that special.

Don't play anymore because our group broke up.

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>Heroes are fucking boring
Opinion discarded

Fucking cancer

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Judging from what user said though its less kissing puppies and just kicking villian's puppies.
which isn't some amazing RP or anything, but its better than your typical chaotic neutral or generic hero at least.

>torturing people for your amusement is neutral
smite.exe

It's a start, but I'd call it on par with either of the other examples. What makes a good character is a relatable arc not one note.

Sounds like he's got a cool character. Only be worried if that's his only character

Guy sounds pretty cool actually. Like a Mel Gibson wizard.

No, Mel Gibson was fighting bankers.
They're much deadlier.

From what i've read you're just being more sensitive than anything else. The dudes characer (from what you told us) is a guy out for revenge against people that destroyed his home village and possibly killed many people he knew. Now he is playing a character hell bent on vegeance. He is playing the character right. You just have a problem with the way he delivers pay back. if you couldn't handle this then you should've just made a hard alignment limit to "good". This is more on you than anyone else

>No yeah it says right here I can totally shit on user's character
Yeah but I'm not going to allow you to, Paul. Jesus Christmas

>So, this is the office?
No. It's her apartment.
>Okay yeah so we're in her car. Are there napkins in the glovebox?
What? No. Read my lips; There's no glovebox for napkins to be in, inside her apartment. Pay attention, Arnold

Those are the worst of it though. The rest of it is lots of laughs and good times.

>homebrew a simple system to allow players to make their own magic items
>1 crystal shard makes a +1 weapon or armour, 2 shards for a +2, 3 shards for a +3
>players end up with five
>all nonmagical weapons and armour
>LET'S HOARD THEM

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Same. Want to start a new group with blackjack and hookers?

bringing politics to the table when there is no reason to do this

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Can you fags go one day without bitching about /pol/? WotC fucked up, deal with it.

are you moralfagging an imaginary character in a pen and paper game?

kinda like how you just did eh?

You're just butthurt you voted for a big fat pervert who can't spell

The fuck does Trump have to do with this? Are you impaired?

Admit it, you're a retarded trump supporter

Way to go chief.

Or grats on your successful shitpost

>t. the type of cancer who thinks torture is good role-playing

>can you guys please stop bitching about how /pol/ intentionally ruins everything
No

That's the good kind of edge with fun banter; the fact that your player went an extra mile to read more about the game to do better roleplaying shows that he is interested in your game

that's understandable, but I had this fucking guy get really spooky
In star wars eote the party are supposed to be convicted criminals, so when the player asked me if he could make a psychopath I had no reason to say no and allowed it, thinking it would be a typical edgy asshole "I hate everyone"
What I forgot is that this guy is a criminologist
He made the most believable and realistic psychopath I've ever seen interpreted: a very sympathetic doctor who acted polite and nice to the people but often laughed at inappropriate things as his only visible oddity. In all aspects a good looking guy who was able to get along with the rest of the party
Then there was the shit he did behind the scenes, he built a laboratory and operation room below the base and kidnapped people to sell their organs in the black market. As fucked up and unsettling that it was to hear the guy describe the methods he used to keep awake the patients while he removed the pancreas, the real tipping point was in a simple mission to collect some debt
The mission was just go to the deadbeat guy in the ghetto and manage to get him to pay the money he owned to some mafia, the guy was actually an honest poor widowed man with absolutely 0 money, who lived only with his young daugther, I put it like that to make the players feel bad for him.
Needless to say that was a huge mistake
cont

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Once the players managed to break into the house and disarmed the guy, the psychopath sat in front of him and started to talk, and the player really got into it. The way he spoke and acted was so real it was making everyone at the table nervous, a mix of saying things very politely with a sincere smile of serenity and small outburst of rage like
>"We are sorry for intruding like this and...Hey, wait did you just move your hand towards the gun?" (looks at me, as if to confirm it)
>"No, he was just, you know, shifting position"
>"I stab his hand with the scalpel I was holding"
>"R-roll to hit"
>"Did it, also I use the advantage I got to make it particularly painful"
>
>"Anyway, as I was saying, we are really sorry to intrude like this and would like to apologize first..."
Sounds really stupid, but I can't convey how good the player was acting it. The final point came when he stopped mid sentence and asked me
>"(OC)Wait, user, you described the house as being two stories tall, right?"
>"Eh yes"
>"(IC) One second, I'll be back"
He went and did what I was fearing: search the house until he found the little girl, I'll spare the details to not go over character limit. He then, with authentic joy, brought her in front of her father and said that the debt would be paid by himself in exchange for the girl, saying that, while children's organs are usually too immature to be harvested, there were other ways to make her profitable before that or just enjoyable, "like a long term investment"
Reached that point I just said "fuck no" and completely bullshitted it by saying that the guy had given up and confessed where was his secret stash of money because it was completely getting out of hand. The other players were literally speechless, mostly considering that it would have been terribly out of character for them to intervene
Afterwards I asked him to tone it down because he really spooked the table that day

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I'm not saying this to be edgy but I'd actually love a player like that

The GM was right in telling him to tone it the fuck down though. Criminologist or not if they're spooping the table that hard they need to calm down.

>DMing a for about 5 coworkers
>Been trying to get another one into the group but keeps refusing
>Come up with an idea for him to play a traitorous character.
>I give him a fake character sheet and keep the real one
>Tell him his only job is to hinder the progress of the others but not to the point of killing them.
>He agrees
>Another co-worker in the group hears of this and the first session where we are about to enact our plan he instantly calls out the new guy as a spy
>mfw

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it wasn't my definition of edgy
I consider edgy the socipath of "I get angry easily and hate everyone and everything". The reason that incident was so unnerving was because of how much it clashed with the previous moments when he was the goody two shoes optimistic doctor, specially because he was still the same character but showing his truest colors, not just a double facet bullshit, kinda difficult to explain

I congratulated him tho, that was a marvelous display of roleplaying, just that I wouldn't want to see it again.
Maybe I should encourage him to become a novelist or script writer

>DM an improv campaign for 3.5 a few days ago where my PCs inherited a town
>One guy makes a bone creature with disproportionate height and has 10ft arms. Another makes a German knight. And the last one makes a wizard suffering from Alzheimer's.
>1 hour into the session the party plans on making the town a concentration camp and installing gas chambers in the prison.

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>willingly accepting metagaming in any form
That's the GM version of cuckoldry
Kill him (and/or his character)

>feel like I'm the only player playing a character
>others are there just to avoid being bored, play a Mary Sue, or introduce a cool character concept and only later do I realize it's magical realm shit
For God's sake, I just want to do plot things.

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I hate how players treat the game like it's player Vs DM when it really fucking isn't.

Like I design and craft things to feel real and threatening but in reality the heroes always usually prevail and the players still get this smug shit eating grin on their face like they outsmarted me whenever they use a spell to deal with an encounter or convince some NPC to do something they were put there to do.

It's not as though it wouldn't be trivial to tpk the party, even if I didn't use rocks fall everyone dies even a modicum of focus fire tactics would see a player die every combat.

I've got these fucks characters life's in my hands and they treat me.like I'm some nemesis cunt for it rather than focussing on roleplaying their fucking characters in the game world I've tried so hard to design .

Players are the worst.

Eh the player betraying the party trope is bullshit.

Player characters generally stick together and deal with eachothers bullshit because of the implied social contract of the game. Even if one character is acting up or being a dick generally players accept it because you're all around the table.

If you add a legitimate player who betrays the party you're looking at your group breaking apart as they stop tolerating eachothers bullshit , ignore the social contract and instead start shit flinging at one another.

This is unless you're playing a game from the outset where everyone is meant to be roleplaying really seriously and you establish back stabbing as a thing. However this tends to end in lots of arguments and bollocks too as RPGs are not designed especially for PvP combat and mediating it without players metagaming is nearly impossible.

See spoony ending a vampire larp.

As a player, I hate that shit too. I'm in it for jolly collaborative storytelling and occasional karate shenanigans, the gm should be there for that fun, present a challenge, and push narrative. A game where the gm fights actively against the pc's I don't think would ever be fun, and it drives me nuts when my fellow players are treating our gm like he's an obstacle to overcome, and don't ever really just let things play out or what have you

Do you have some sort of aura of asshattery going on during game sessions?
Like do you not notice if your current scenario is causing the players more suffering then your average campaign?
We can't really tell if your players are the actual assholes if you're being this vague.

"how to destroy a game", by "these guys"

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I'll start a game with both of you guys, if you're interested.

I've got this guy, he loves alternative RPGs (anything that isn't D&D) but he expects me to learn the system and GM it for it.
Same guy only makes 2 characters: if its a fantasy game, he's a necromancer or the closest equivalent. If its a Sci-Fi game, he's a bounty hunter, or the closest equivalent.
He plays both characters the same way: a money-grubbing murder hobo that tries as actively as possible to increase his own stockpile of weapons, magic shit and cash in ways that the other PCs don't get a share (like pickpocketing NPCs, taking bounties and actively trying to get away from the group so that he can do his thing without their involvement.)

I think CRPGs have ruined players. Nobody STARTS with tabletop anymore, at least not around me. The modern player has the mentality that wealth+power=fun instead of ever trying to create an believable character who makes for interesting roleplaying.

True story: I give the players a grey-and-grey moral dilemma, where no matter what they do, they have to screw over one of two rival towns in order to get the Mcguffin they need, and this asshat looks me dead in the eye and asks me: "So what's the evil option here?"

I don't play tabletop RPGs anymore.

Play the game

Why even post pasta if you're going to post a screenshot of it too? Pasta is no fun unless there's newfags to fall for it

>RWBY
Get out.

Someone needs a bit more rwby in their diet.

I miss Monty oum.

Collect phones at the beginning of the session and give them back at the end

dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4462016/Two-acid-attacks-Britain-DAY-figures-show.html

:^)

Does it have to be PCs because our DM just dropped "The Colonel's Bastard Sword" on us.
The campaign is supposed to be about keeping dangerous magical artefacts out of the hands of some evil cult. This is one such artefact.

It's a sword that detects when chickens are near by...

To top it off only one PC is even close to knowing this, and she failed an Int check to put 2 and 2 together. Plus the party Wizard still hasn't scavenged enough gold for the 100GP pearl to cast Identify.
All the players know what it is but IC we have to treat it like this powerful magical artefact.

I mean, it's definitely funny, but it really is one of these supposedly powerful artefacts we're supposed to protect. Kinda wish that maybe it was a fake, or never presented as an artefact at all. We all have fun at the table, and there's jokes but we don't undercut the plot, it's just not a decision I'd have made as DM

user I have the exact same issue, except it's not even 20 minutes, more like 20 seconds. I cannot even roleplay an NPC without them laughing and making some gay-ass reference or bringing up some shit that no one cares about. They all have devices out at the table (tablet, phone, even laptop). They all play weird-ass snowflake characters with overpowered builds. I can't even tell them to stop because it'd be unfair after tolerating it for so long without even a word, but even worse, even if I did snap and implement some kind of rule they would ignore it then shout down any kind of penalty I applied. And honestly if I am punishing them with XP loss for not paying attention, what kind of DM am I? The last DM (actually was one of the player's father, who has been playing since the 80s) was driven off by their ADHD and stupid antics where they have to do something "funny" constantly and if you shit on it, you hate fun. Also one player rages hardcore to the point where I am afraid to even attack his character because of how frustrated he gets, he also is easily antagonized by his brother who also plays to the point where if his character died and his brother made some pointed comment, he might actually break some real shit. He's broken a door before. I am so glad we aren't playing at my place. Also they are all obnoxiously liberal and have "anxiety" and other meme diseases, literally every single one of them has it. God I really like them but I am feeling less and less fulfilled when I leave the game. I got into OSR because of them, as a refuge, and I am considering deleting 3.PF from my life forever and forcing them to play my OSR homebrew or nothing.

Shut the fuck up. If people want to come play an RPG and it is derailed by talking about irrelevant shit for 2 hours, then yes, it does matter.

If you think that's bad try having one of your player's mutilate a female NPC's spinal cord so she can't walk anymore and keeping her as a pet.

That's honestly kinda bad-ass though. It's obnoxious I'm sure, but to an outsider it does seem pretty cool. At least he's doing it to villains not random NPCs. Encourage him to RP why his character is such a sadistic fuckhead and maybe you'll get something cool out of it.

>try having one of your player's mutilate a female NPC's spinal cord so she can't walk anymore and keeping her as a pet.
Story

>Veeky Forums where grown men are a bunch of pussy bitch babies

I've posted it 20 trillion times so I'm just gonna copypasta it from the archive:
>apocalyptic campaign
> PCs go to hospital to get medicine for their ailing settlement
> hospital held by another group, I called them bandits but they really werent
> led by 20 year old girl with two makarovs and AK74u, she was meant to be recurring villain
> they end up catching her after a PC shoots the .50cal the bandits had been avoiding firing, attracting a giant worm to burrow up and destroy half the hospital
> they end up defeating the girl and knocking her unconscious
> guy says he severs her spine
> rolls like 6 raises on a Healing check
> uh ... ok
> spine is severed so her legs don't work
> explain to player that she can no longer move or take care of herself, including bodily functions
> he is totally okay with this
> wants to give her a "new life" back in their village
>they drag her around in a wheelchair
>another character starts taking care of her
>they get her back to their village to learn that she is slowly dying of a spinal infection
>the character that did it hands her a folded note saying that he is sorry for what he did
Pic related is a party portrait I made in pixel art in paint.net. Thing is I actually want to get back to that campaign. I also sometimes fantasize about having a crippled gf to take care of, or being with her in her final moments / days alive and comforting her.

Anyway hopefully I will get to play that campaign again soon and resolve the storyline since the campaign has been multiple hiatuses over 2 years, so I can finally post what happens and be done with it. Thing is, I don't know quite what the effects of a spinal cord being severed are, and what a spinal infection is like symptomatically. So that will be some research I will have to do first.

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D-did she need diapers...?

>and have "anxiety" and other meme diseases
hey fuck you, anxiety disorders are real and they're not fun
OCD is an anxiety disorder and you wouldn't call it fake now would you?