(The Clusterfuck Crusade) Stercus Ludicrum Part IV: Vice City

>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Be a Rokkit Man
>An I fink iz gunna be a long long toim
>'Till touch down brings me roun'again ta foind
>Iz not da ork I fi-
>Oh zog neva mind, wez 'ere
>We'z been in space fer sum toim now
>Not one or two or phree or foive min'utes
>But, zog it, lotsa dem
>Been bored
>Krumped a few grots fer fun
>InflightEntertainment.pngrot
>Look out da window
>Seez da roks
>Iz 'eard from da boyz, dat da new boss iz 'ere
>Not too far from da planet, maybe loik
>Iunno, lotsa roides awa?
>Iz not gud wiff does fings
>Iz kommando
>Da ship lands
>An by lands, Iz means it crashes, inta da new base
>Lotsa roks 'ere
>Boyz an Meks 'ave been makin dem inta base fer da boyz
>Otha roks iz being made ready fer flyin'
>Wez orks 'as been beaten once
>But wez gunna 'ead back afta wez get our WAAAGH!!!! goin; again
>Good toim ta be an Ork
>Lotsa wurk ta do

Attached: DaNewBase.jpg (729x425, 39K)

>be me, Priestess Medeth Absinthium
>still running away from that one stubborn xenos bitch
>it's moving slower after taking a stray bullet
>but I'm running out of roofs
>at least there seem to be fewer xenos around in this part of the city
>slide, climb and drop to the street below
>wonder if I've learned how to hot-wire a car
>these holes in my memory can be really annoying at times
>decide against it anyway, a stolen car might draw unwanted attention
>spot an arbites with a jetbite nearby and run towards her
"Help! I'm being chased by a xenos!"
>drop down just in time for her to shoot the xenos
>cajole, beg and eventually convince her to give me a ride to the cathedral
>luckily she doesn't search me

>Be Tau Water Caste
>Wait, Really?
>I got crushed by a giant falling arm!
>How am I alive?
>Oh, right
>The Universe hates me and enjoys keeping me alive so I can suffer even more
>Or this is hell
>If it's hell, I've been dead for awhile.
>My bones hurt
>This arm smells
>Wait, what is that?
>Tau drones!
>The fire caste has arrived!
>They're painted a bit weird though
>Ethereal must've called on a obscure Sept
>Struggle free of the massive arm
>Shakily stand
>It seems that nothing is broken
>But everything hurts
>Such is life
>Get stampeded by fleeing genestealers

>Be Shas'Vre Tash'var Dorax great soldier of the farsight enclaves
>coming past this system on a scouting mission with a platoon of fire warriors
>see this planet with many gue'la
>waitwaht.fire warrior
>call it in the to enclaves and tell them I'm going down to investigate
>may we not die here but I f so may it be glorious and honourable

>Be Fessus
>Okay so to make a long story short, after we drove around shooting at genestealers and sleeper agents traitor guard for a while, we decided to drop off the Guard Boys we had dragged into helping us clear our names back to base, as we ended up not really needing their help after all
>We were all planning on resting up and trying to come up with new way of making some cash
>But of Course with our rotten luck, that didnt quite happen
>instead, we all get kidnapped and dragged off by a bunch of toaster fuckers
>why cant we ever catch a break.
>Anyway, they take us all the way to their base, where this big bastard of a tech priest was
>i mean, Throne was he fucking big
>the guy looked like he ate three regular sized tech priests’
>Apparantly He's a Mango jury or something
>the Admech equivalent of an Inquisitor
>Oh fuck
>He’s sitting there, eating his dinner, at this large table
“Oh good. Yer here. Please, Have a seat we’ve got a lot to discuss”
>The way he says it sounds more like a command than a request
>We All oblige
>after slowly fonishing the rest of his meal in silence he starts talking to us again.
“So, yer them Magpie boys i been hearin about? I gotta say, i didnt think so much trouble could come from such a bunch of small fries”
>”The Traitor Guard was not our fault, we had nothing to do with them i swear”
“Oh i know that. But what bunch of brainwashed saps did is the least of my concerns. It’s what you’ve done that interests me.”
>”What”
“Oh sure, you didnt think we wouldn’t notice did you? The possession, use, and movement of heretical xenotech, not performing the rite of lasgun safety deactivation, unauthorized handling and repairs of Mechanicus machines, You know we even had to invent a new kind of Tech Heresy to cover that last one? ‘ Duct-Tape Heresy’ the boys call it. I gotta say, it’s ballsy how even in a place like this, you still thought it was a good idea to fuck with Admech
(1/2)

(2/2)
>Oh fuck we’re so screwed.
>Alright Poker face Fessus, Poker Face
>Be like Lloyd and we can bluff our way outta this.
“Now normally, i’d have you all lobotomized and be made into servitors as examples to lay off your debts to Admech, but I’m feelin generous right now.”
“You see, I got a problem. Yer not the only ones disrespectin da Mechanicus right now. The streets of Angel’s landing, are full of tech Heretics, trading their little xenotech goodies and not payin their tithes. It’s a fuckin mess out there.”
“Now, i could send my boys out there to clean it up, but i figure, wouldnt it be better to let these poor sinners atone for their sins against the Omnissiah, by acting as his eyes ears, and arms in the streets?”
“So here’s the deal, you work for us for a while, and we drop all charges of tech Heresy. Give you a fresh slate.”
>”...What’s the catch?”
“No catch. You scratch my back, i scratch yours.”
>with those things he calls limbs I’d rather he not
“Perform well, and you’ll be rewarded. Although if you prefer, that servitor option’s still open.”
>well
>i guess there’s only one way out then

>be Colonel
>thank the emperor for these space marines letting us hitch a ride
>was kind of afraid we'd die on those steps
>I'll have to thank them later
>looking out it looks like the bug looking people are retreating or dying a lot
>coward.imperial guard
> well it seems like everything is dying down now
>means I can go see if I can requisition some heavy armour
>first stop? The bishop and the governess
>they might be able to help me out, I hope at least
>if not I'll talk to the cogboys on planet
>but I'm doubtful they'll give me anything
>mightaswelltry.annoyed moustache

>Be Captain Thorn
>On plus side the Genestealers stopped coming
>But that is over shadowed by the fact that we are buried under a mountain of dead genestealers
>We lost count of how many Terran hours we have been buried under this mountain of xenos filth and had to spend the time recounting the best stories of our genefather
>Some Aggressor ended up having the best story, mostly due to the fact that he was alive when Dorn was alive
>Lucky bastard
>Shorty after the Aggressor won we were finally find a light source
>Thankdorn.geneseed
>Though as we got closer we noticed it was really orange in color
>In fact it look more like it originated from a fire
>Then I remembered that the place we are in contains a Bishop who can even make a Salamander sick of fire
>Oh fuck
>Sure enough when we finally reached the other side of Mt Genestealer it was on fire
>Actually the whole fucking city was on fire
>Even the citizens were on fire
>It fits the stories of this shithole we heard about before we arrived
>What in the Emperors name is wrong with this planet

>Be Sister Cecilia of the Family
>Be huddled in a dark hole with what remains of the Family
>Only 100 of us remain where once there were thousands
>Daddy’s body is laid out for all to mourn over
>Tears in my eyes
>Through the tears, receive a vision
>I know what I must do.determination
>Go to daddy’s body
>”I will make you proud daddy.”
>Sink my teeth into his head
>Tear away flesh and blood
>Swallow
>Feel my body twist and writhe
>Feel myself mutate and absorb the genestealer flesh
>Feel my tongue lengthen and change, becoming ovipositor
>Feel rending claws grow from my fingers
>Feel arms burst from my back
>Feel my mind expand and connect to each member of the Family
>Be filled with psychic might and divine purpose
>Be Sister Cecilia, Hybrid Matriarch of the Family
>Praise the Four Armed Emperor!
>Remember our father!
>And for the love of all that is holy, could we be a bit quieter this time?
>All that was great, but Daddy died for us.
>We don't need to control the world NOW
>Take it slowly.calmdown

Attached: The Four Armed Messiah.png (221x228, 118K)

>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>And it's time to get the locals in line.
>Send my boy Vusio along the the local crew we recruited. He can keep an eye on dem and make sure the job gets done right.
>He's just in from all the way back on Mars, so he don't speak much gothic yet. Strong as a Titan though, and kind of a hot head. But hey, fuck it, he ends up killin a few of these jerk offs it's fine.
>ServitorParts.png
>Send introductory correspondence to what counts for leadership on this planet. The Bishop, The Governess, The Canoness, and The Commissar.
>Tell'm who I am. Explain that I'll be seizing control of the local Ad Mech in salvaging the Necron artifacts.
>Also explain that my primary mission is to investigate and punish the RAMPANT fuckin tech heresy they've allowed to happen on this planet.
>Explain that I got guys goin around lookin into it, and any interference with my agents won't be fuckin tolerated. It'll be considered aiding tech heretics, which is also tech heresy.
>Suggest that any non-Administratum issued tech be turned over immediately and it will be inspected and returned.
>UnlessItFallsOffTheTruck.jpg
>In the correspondence to the Canoness and The Governess, I tack on an invitation to discuss the issue further over dinner.
>By the standards of this shithole, they're both fuckin knockouts and there's still a few big parts of me that ain't metal.

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>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>With the Tyranids retreating, I give the orders for my people to start engaging in clean up efforts as carefully as possible. Get rid of the remains and purify the infected civilians.
>BurnDontTouch.voxcast
>See Sargant Thorn in the aftermath of the battle. He was one of the marines that stood with us against the monster and his berserkers.
>Bless him with the sign of the aquila, and tell him he can use some of our laundry lad...err hospitaleers if any of his guys are injured.
>Also invite him to attend one of my sermons. Even the emperor's angels of death could learn so much and find so much solace in the Emperor granted wisdom I have to share.
>LearnToBeZealotsInFiveEasySteps.jpg
>Try to reunite with my wife and congratulate her on her bravery.
>Ask her how she got so good with that power sword anyway.
>ItsSoSexyWhenYouKillThings.gif
>Finally retire back to the Governess' mansion to relax during the clean up and scans for Tyranid infection.
>Some guy claiming to be a Colonel is asking for equipment.
>Invite him in and hear him out, mostly because everyone is too busy to listen to me preach right now.
>PoorBastards.png
>Ask him if he works for that Warp Spawn Commissar.
>Ask him if he's aware that Commissar is Warpspawn.
>Ask him what the guard policy is on Warp Spawn.
>Ask him if he attends my sermons and if he has heard what I've said about Warp Spawn.
>Ask him if this equipment is required specifically to take care of the Warp Spawn Commissar and if not then why doesn't he just get it from the guard?
>Ask him if he is also Warp Spawn.

Attached: image.jpg (296x330, 80K)

>Be me Planetary Governess, Tentaclefangirl truly never again
>Actually enganging in a fight with those things truly works as a excellent rehab
>One of these Space Marines saves me from my otherwise pretty unspleasant fall to death
>One of these Broken Shield Guys. I will rememeber that. Maybe I should order the Admech to give those honorable brothers some new shields.
>See my babe, purging and cleansing right, left up and down anything that isn't by three on... pfff, fuck it, as if anything could flee my boys holy fervour
>Thatsmyboy.png
>Will make sure to reward him for that later
>Thank them for the ride
>Don'teventrytogetthatwrong,perverts
>BestCouplereunited.png
>Yeah, I bet you like what you see, don't you?
>Oh yes, I liked you too
>Well, yes... Duelling is common under nobles, I tried my best not to get killed by some of my degenerate brothers and sisters
>Why is he talking so much with this old guy general, when I just want to take him to the bath and wash ourselves from all the pain and blood?
>Letmewashyourback.png

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>Be me, Brother Jiro of The Solar Hawks
>Be entering the atmosphere of this supposed Shrine World, along with a few others of my comrades.
>We heard from our ship, that over the course of the past year this world had faced threat from all manner of enemies
>If rumors were to be believed, it had faced a full Tyrannic Invasion, an Ork WAAAGH!!! and a incursion by Chaos, to speak of only a few things.
>It is said it's capital city has been destroyed and rebuilt with such fervor, that it only stands now as a testament to the will of it's current governing power
>Some might think a few more members of the Adeptus Astartes might be as a drop in the sea for battles here. Perhaps some might wonder why we of The Solar Hawks did not bring more forces to combat the enemy
>They do not know that this sort of battle is exactly what Zero Flight what made more
>PraiseTheWarhawk.jpeg
>Be plummeting down into the world's skies, tearing through the heavens
>Not in a dropship however
>Ohno.png
>At the head of Zero Flight, I lead my unit of five Xiphon Interceptors towards the closest thing that passes for an airfield on this world.
>Turns out that isn't the capital, but if reports about the Genestealers are to be believed, this isn't surprising
>Hear over the vox where our designated landing area shall be
>Oh that's much to close
>Plot a course for another field, much further away
>We Solar Hawks have been cooped up far to long in Warp Transit, now we want to spread our wings
>WeGotANeed.jpeg
>Fire the engines in my craft, Naran Jigüür, accelerating towards the horizon
>NeedForSpeed.mp3
>Vox to my brothers
>Lets see who makes it to this air strip first

Attached: xiphon-.jpg (826x457, 72K)

>Be Palatine Barbastella
>The Black Sepulchre and Golden Light have fallen back
>Operating in the undercity proved to be untenable
>We rallied with the defenders outside the cathedral, using the hearses as cover
>Which certainly motivated Sister Nyx, as she fervently tried to prevent the beasts scratching the paintwork
>The fact that her hearse looked fit for the scrapheap before the siege and is currently held together with duct tape has not dissuaded her
>I fear she may have lapsed back into promethium abuse
>Again
>One can take a girl out of the underhive, but not the underhive out of the girl it seems
>I thought it would be over after the biotitan crashed through the ceiling, but the universe was not yet satisfied that we had suffered enough
>Now, what I hope to be the last desperate charge of genestealers spews forth from the undercity
>And leading the charge is our old acquaintance, the scarred patriarch
>Before I can draw a bead on him, I hear twelve shots fired in quick succession
>Any lingering doubts I had about Palatine Sara's condition are washed away as I watch the patriarch topple over, visceral blossoms blooming where the blessed bolts tear through his flesh
>A thing of sublime beauty to behold
>The remaining genestealers fight on, but without the guidance of their progenitor they degenerate into nothing more than rabid animals
>Easy targets for our blades and bolts

>Soon the cacophony of war is replaced by the silence of death, punctuated by the cries of the injured
>As I signal to my sisters to tend to those who have yet to join our Lord in the void, I see a straggler
>One of our initiates, barely with us a year, sprints toward the recumbent patriarch
>I call out a warning to her, that even in death such things can't be trusted, but she pays me no need
>She cradles its head in her arms, and the penny drops
>I start running toward her, but the beast must have granted her its vile agility
>She reaches a manhole, pausing only to give me a look of hatred and contempt
>I watch as she disappears into the darkness, hauling the corpse with her
>I nearly follow
>Such a fate is not one I'd wish on the foulest heretic
>But we are in no position to mount another assault on the undercity
>All I can do is control my temper, and wait for the time when this can be put right

Attached: f87[1].gif (413x449, 2.4M)

>Be Colonel
>this bishop guy is pretty weird,talking about warp spawn and shit
>donteveknowwhatthatis.confusedmoustache
>I till him why I need equipment, which is:two basilisks, two hellhounds, a chimera or two and by my commissars personal request a Leman russ
>she shouldn't be allowed near anymore tanks but that's just my opinion
>if he and his wife can't help me I'll see if that head cogboy who just turned up,ought be able to give me a hand instead
>don't really want to talk to him, the ad mech give me the creeps
>but I'll need to if I want sanctioned shit
>hopefully someone helps me

>Be Future Commissar
>Spend untold Terran hours outside city with other me blasting away at any horde attempting to leave the city
>Valkaries by this point have bombed several areas clear of Genestealers while remaining forces deal with these weird Blood Raven Cosplayers
>Though knowing this planet its only a matter of time before some other
>Sure enough, some fuck massive Mechanicum guy drops off a few new cogboys as part of some program to "prevent future instances of xenos tech usage"
>I swear the cogboys still don't get that we use that tech from time to time due to the fact that they don't give us any advanced shit
>Speaking of xenos, fucking Tau scout ships have been spotted to the Northeast of the city
>Don't even question why they came to this shithole or decided to land out in the countryside which by this point is infected with Necrons, feral nids, and Emperor knows what else
>Decide fuck it and have the Guard under my command to get the vehicles ready and head out to the area to hopefully get the inevitable Tau cluster fuck away from the city
>That and Bishop boy still like me along with mechanized regiments not being useful in clearing the underground sections of enemies that rip through Space Marine armor
>Mostly Bishop boy not liking me
>Can't wait to see how this pans out

>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons, accompanied by my army of loyal minions.
>Alright, to be honest
>It's not really a army
>It's two rubrics(one of which has a silly hat bolted to its helmet so I can tell the fuckers apart)
>And a couple of tzaangors
>And we are currently
>lost in the warp.jpg
>Fucking Ahirman
>Sending me out to look for the fucking Black Library
>All I find is some fucking books about the Horus Heresy that are all rather disappointing
>Then the fucking clowns come in and shove us into the warp
>Or maybe the webway
>I honestly don't know anymore
"That is because you are an idiot, my good friend."
>Oh
>Yeah
>My bird head
>I have two heads
>One of which is a bird
>It's a "gift" from Tzneetch
>Fuck him
>Both Tzneetch and the head
"You really shouldn't be badmouthing me or our god."
>Fuck you beakie
>I know you can read my thoughts
>I just don't care
>Because we're going to be stuck in the hellhole forever
>Because you thought would be HILARIOUS to prank call the harlequins
>Wait, what's this?
>Time and space are FUCKED at this particular point of the warp
>Let's just see if I can...

>Yes!
>We're in the fucking materium!
>One of the tzaangors is vomiting up something foul
>The others are snacking on the large variety of scattered limbs and destroyed bodies created by our arrival
>How many people did we kill by slipping in here?
>Actually, scratch that people part, a lot of this seems to be xenos flesh
>Lot's of... baby xenos flesh?
>Did we warp into a xenos daycare?
"Hey, hey hey! The big man is sending me a message!"
>I ignore birdface
>That's how much I hate him
>I have refused to give him a name during our several hundred year long exile in the warp
"He's got plans here man! We've got to do shit! There's stuff buried deep, and not just Necrons! This shithole has it all!"
>Just ignore him Xerxes
>Remember, if you strangle him, he wins
>I fucking wish I wasn't born on Prospero
>World Eaters have so much more fun.
>"Alright everybody, we're back to the materium, and this is by all odds an Imperial world. So stay quiet, follow me, and no for Tzneetch's sake, stop eating those xenos corpses!"

>be Shas'vre
>northeast quarter of the city seems to be a relatively safe place to land and begin our efforts here
>one of my fire warriors tell me to take caution as we will be a target
>letthemcome.fire warrior
>we have enough supplies to stay here for a while especially if we ration our selves
>need to figure out what these imperials are doing here on this forsaken rock and wether or not the enclaves can send in some more firepower to deal with them
> time to set up camp for now and then do a small recon mission
>from what can be seen in the surrounding area this planet has been blasted and burnt
>burnt is an understatement
> it's like it's been torched since the planet came into being, I do not think this would be worth colonising for the enclaves
>at best sending in one or two of the eight and cleansing it of anything and leaving
>but other than that let's see what else we can find among one the gue'la ruins
>maybe we can convince some of these gue'la to become gue'vesa

>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>Managed to get some rest, feeling great
>I mean, aside from the stabby burny pain on my hips
>And the gunshot wound
>And... yeah no, I'm still fine, I swear
>Crawled out of the refinery a bit ago, I think things have calmed down a bit
>Scurrying through the rubble, trying to figure what we should do next
>Hear jets above
>OhFeth.jpeg
>Duck under some rubble, keep an eye out, waiting to see if the Imps have come to clean up over here
>They like cleaning with fire, so I'm really hoping no
>But these ain't imps....
>Ships are too smooth, too clean
>Way to efficient for anything that blasted Bishop would approve of
>Spot them landing not to far off, and starting to establish a hold
>MyXenosSenseIsTingling.png
>Sure enough, old Schola teachings come back to me
>T'au? What the feth are they doing here?
>I could have sworn the Uplifting Primer said they were contained to their small little shitty portion of the galaxy
>Shouldn'tTheyBeExtinct.gif
>Decide I'm not sticking around for more of this
>If xenos are here, it's only a matter of time before Imps show up to do what Imps do best
>Start sliding off, heading away
>Can't make a run into the wilds, I'd be either caught, or die
>Not going back underground, because I've had enough of The Family
>Leaves one option
>Start moving back towards what remains of The City
>Sigh.gif

>be Shas'vre
>word is there might be imperial guard coming to our location
>how do we know?
>their comm channels aren't very secure and we accessed the, fairly quickly
>looks like it's time to pack up and get moving to avoid this gue'la threat
"Lets go comrades, time to get moving we have a gue'la force to avoid"
>don't want to fight it because it's just us and our carbine rifles against what I assume will be tanks
>and I don't want to bother with that
>might see if we can go around them and confuse them
>send the ship back into orbit do it's not destroyed and move west to attempt to outmanoeuvre the gue'la
>time to move.tactics

>Be Marcus
>I dont even know what position to call myself anymore because we keep getting tossed around like small players at a Bloodbowl game
>I guess right now it’s “Admech Mook” Lloyd
>This is fuckin bullshit
>You know, i’m startin to think there might be some truth to Fessus’s whing that the Universe hates us, because there is no reason this kinda crap should happen to us.
>Anyways, we’ve now got to assist these creeps in investigating the tech Heresy going on in this city
>and by investigate, i mean, we do the heavy lifting and dirty work, while they do the actual investigating.
>Fine by me, less work for us
>Our new boss Cosanostra sent one of his guys to keep an eye on us and make sure we dont leave
>Big bloody bastard who cant even speak Gothic, just communicates with these things that sound like Electronic farts
>We call him Static because he sounds like the static on a vox hailer
>he’s alright enough i guess
>We dont ask him to do anything or try and piss him off, and he doesn't try and punch our heads off.
>gooddeal.jpg
>The Admech alerted us of a deal going to happen in some Underhive Alley involving some heretical tech
>The boss wants us to interrupt it and snatch the goods and any prisoners
>Lloyd, Decarus, and stact were sent to get a ride while Fessus, Phil an’ I figure out a way to sneak into the deal
>The plan is that once the parties show them selves, we gun them down, take what we can, and drive off in our rides
>The problem? They got better tech than us
>not only have they got Guards on the roof tops, but they've all got these wierd drone things too
>(un)Fortunately, is hit by a stroke of brilliance
>or rather he hits it when he kicks a thermo shielded box out of frustration
>and that’s why we’re sneaking, into a meeting filled with dangerous technologically superior foes of advanced intellect
>by hiding in metal boxes
>what a bloody awful idea.

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>be Canoness
>stroll through the destroyed doors of the Matrimonial Cathedral with courtly grace
>step around the bodies of Genestealers and traitor Guardsmen
>get subtle glares from defenders who misjudge the peripheral vision of a woman with bionic eyes
>be sure to remember those who just volunteered themselves in advance for difficult assignments
>far be it from me to expect an ounce of gratitude
>under normal circumstances, it's nothing but complaints
>city defense planning is not my jurisdiction
>Adeptus Astartes deployments do not fall under my command
>Imperial Guard logistics are not at my discretion
>but leave for a few hours in a crisis any batch of Whiteshields should be able to handle by themselves?
>oh, I can hear it now
>"Canoness, you were sorely missed in the defense of the city"
>at least the Alpha Legion saw fit to include me as a linchpin and target for their neutered plans
>it's nice to be appreciated by someone
>Ermine Mantle bodyguards hurry to keep up as I stroll through the halls
>the Sisters who sequestered with me in the fallen Titan are still a bit tipsy
>no matter
>carrying my own storm bolter couched under one arm
>an attack from some straggler would almost be welcome at this point
>a Sister Dialogous rushes up with a message
>some Mechanicum Juris Magos is launching an investigation to "root out tech heresy"
>that fucker
>he arrived days ago
>he was waiting for some minor crisis to stir things up before he made a move
>fucking "tech heresy" bullshit
>as if the God-Emperor gave two shits whether I stuck quad multilasers on an Exorcist to mow down Orks in his honor
>just prevented the Alpha Legion from instigating in-fighting and now this fucking greaseball is going to do it all on his own
>and he invited me to dinner
>great, one of those
>as if a bunch of cyborgs know anything about cooking anyway
>considering ordering Charlotte to sleep with him to gain favor but decide against it
>tell the Sister to arrange a meeting

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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Tell this Colonel he should be attending my sermons.
>Armaments are for the faithful.
>Tell him to come back when he is ready to purge the Imperial Guard of heresy.
>FutureCommissarIsLiterallyTzeneech.warp
>Refer him to one of the lower ranking priests who can hopefully save him from heresy.
>GetOutOfMyOffice.voxcast
>About to go get cleaned up with the Governess
>Then I get some message from the AdMech
>Some fat robot threatening me.
>SomeoneIsWrongOnTheVox.rage
>Start drafting a 300 page condemnation of the Adeptus Mechanicus detailing how they are basically heretics, urging them to convert, threatening them with the wrath of the Emperor...
>But bae is giving me that look.
>Decide this can wait. Scoop her up and carry her to the tub.
>Besides, I could use her input.
"I can't remember. Is there any reason that I can't just purge the Ad Mech from the planet? This whole Omnissiah thing is clearly heresy."

>be Colonel
>the Bishop want helpful now it's time to go talk to this new mangos dude
>they give me the creeps but I have to talk to him
>apparently he's going around punishing tech heresy
>good thing we have no decent stuff to be heretical with
>all I want is for him to give me something
>please give me tanks
> I don't want to have to deal with the beurocracy of the administratum
>fuck the administratum
>bunch of arseholes
>fuck them

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>Be Xerxes, Thousand Sons Sorcerer
>Be sneaking through this ruined city with my minions
>The city is a little bit on fire
>It feels like that happens a lot
>See some of those Tau creatures ahead
"Hey Xerxes, I've heard those Xenos are quite naive in their pursuit of the 'greater good'. We should go talk to them!"
>Fuck you, stupid second head
>...Though I am going to do that
>"Greeting Tau! I am somewhat human and I wish to learn about your greater good!"
>Bird head nudges towards the tzaangors
>Oh, right. Them
>"My companions are also interested in the Greater Good, though to be honest, they're rather dumb."

>be Shas'vre
>this what looks like space marines but the leader has an odd bird head
>they speak about the greater good?
>who are they to speak to me of the greater good, filth
"You, you marine who are you to speak to me of the greater good? I Shas'vre Tash'var Dorax come from the glorious farsight enclaves and despise the doctrine of the empire, speak quickly and I may not shoot you here"
>stupid gue'la mistaking me for one of those empire shas
>fucking gue'la

>Be me, Thomas
>Be one of the last bloody civilians left alive from before this shit started going south
>I swear, I remember when we had to be afraid of temperatures that could freeze a man in three seconds
>Now I'm just afraid of Sororitas that can do that even faster with a mean look
>Maneater.mp3
>I've been tasked by the Committee of Unified Neo-Fortification and Structures
>Or C.U.N.T.S. if you want to be short
>LaughingInSqualor.jpeg
>The C.U.N.T.S. have rounded up the civilians, both new and old, to once again start rebuilding the city after another fight
>The representative says he's new to the job, but he's not going to let that stop him from driving us into the ground to celebrate the glory of those we serve.
>I ask one of my co-workers if the last guy was like that
"Right up until the moment he started trying to bang everything with two legs, while ranting about a four arm Emperor."
>Ah.jpeg
>It's not hard work I suppose
>Keep my construction gear on, full body suit, while I lay some pipe for what I'm told will be a new set of barracks
>Here's hoping we can actually finish it before it gets destroyed again.

>Wait, these creatures have a splinter faction?
>Fuck!
>Rethink plan!
>"Crawk! My idiotic partner assumed that you were part of the larger Tau Empire, because he is culturally insensitive. Really, he just dislike his current place in the Imperium and believes that your cause is better. We would like to offer our services, allegiance, and friendship to you."
>FUCK YOU BIRD FACE
>FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>But remain silence, stewing in my hate
>I wonder if it would be possible to renounce Tzneetch at this point and join a khornate warband.
>Fucking bird leans over to me and whispers right into my ear
"It's not."
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
>So fucking glad I wear a helmet so the Tau can't see the pure rage on my face.

>the gue'la apologises?
>hmm I'm in a good mood today so I might consider this gue'la's apology
>but the question must be asked why do his allies look like birds and why do the other two not speak, like at all?
>no matter I like this what I assume man
"Fine I accept your apology gue'la, but I first must know your intent here, we have been sent to scout this planet, why are you here?
> lets see his true colours
>if this goes well then we can move in a stronger force to defend ourselves and fighting whatever comes after us
>I might even get a battlesuit after this
>fuckyes.xv88
Ensure my men are still on alert so as not to get ambushed
>might want to tell him about the gue'la vehicles coming...

>Thank Tzneetch that these fools bought that
>"Well you see, I came to this planet some time ago in order to search for hidden knowledge, however I have been disappointed by both the lack of any as well as the Imperium's general disapproval of my quest. However, you Tau have shown ingenuity, the ability to be flexible and change, unlike the foolish Imperium which is decaying and stuck in it's ways."
"Crawk, yes, you guys are in an upswing, and it's truly inspiring. We, by which I mean myself and the man I am attached to, have powers that are lacked throughout the entirety of your species. We believe that with our power, you could more easily overcome many Imperial forces."
>Yes, thank you bird head
>Thank you for stating the fucking obvious
>Oh shit, there's a tank driving towards us
>tank.justoppertunity I was looking for
>The Tau start shouting something about gue'la and such
>I calmly level my staff towards the tank, and let off a massive bolt of warp energy
>The tank is reduced a chaotic mess of melting flesh, freezing water, and a fucking oak tree.
>I turn back to the Tau
>"I believe that is a proper demonstration of my abilities."

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Attached: skeptical-skitarii.jpg (751x458, 54K)

>be me, Sybarite Drazar
>be sitting alone in the middle of a tundra
>watch as the beast and passengers dissapear into the distance
>scavenge some communication equipment from the craftworld jetbike to signal a patrol
>get a confirmation pulse back
>no words, just an affirmative
>and now I wait
>take out soul stone
>it pulses a full glow
>the dude acted all smug, saying it's not like I could talk to them
>I'll show the fucker
>...
>ok, we Eldar are suppose to be inherently psychic
>think hard about the stone
>face turns a shade darker of red with the attempt
>the stone pulses again
>did I manage it?
>...
>nothing
>sigh to myself and replace the stone
>try to get the taste of purple out of my mouth
>in the distance I hear the familiar hum of anti-grav engines
>get up and stretch
>can already see the raider
>hear a female voice over the communications
"Well, well, well, lookie who we found!"
>I can recognize that voice from anywhere
>it's that one wytch that follows the...
>oh
>oh no
>I can already see the succubus hanging off the side
>oh fuck
>start legging it away
>futilityincarnate.png
>the raider dosen't slow down
>watch as the succubus twirls a length of rope
>feel something wrap round my waist
>get pulled into the air, deffinately not screaming
>get thrown onto the deck of the raider
>lay their for a bit
>see the succubus approach
>get up and face her
>she blushes and looks away
>then she reaches out and grabs my hand
>by vect what is this degeneracy
>get pulled into the hold of the raider by the succubus hurriedly
>I know how to recognize the end
>sigh dejectively
>this is how it ends eh?
"Of fuck me.."
>one of the wytches yells as the door closes
"THATS THE POINT"

Attached: IMG_2508.jpg (849x589, 46K)

>Be Original Commissar
>Guard Regiments nearly ready to head northeast when suddenly Tau ships fly out of the city
>At least I presume they are Tau ships, carried this weird marking that kinda looks like their official one but different at the same time
>Dismiss this as just symbol of scouting team to the bigger force that just popped out of space carrying official marks
>Decide to inform the other leaders on this planet about these weird scout Tau, they can probably deal with it better then I can
>With that out of the way me and my future self decide to head out of the city with the Guard and investigate, fight, destroy, or become canon fodder to the Tau and Emperor knows what else is out there
>Also keep note of that Colonel and search for any equipment I can use to bargain with him
>Want to make sure Bishops paranoia about future me doesn't cloud his judgement with me
>Mostly though want to get to know that lady Commissar with him, she is a solid 8.5/10
>Future me though does state she is slightly below Canoness
>Pleasedon'tleadtowhereIthinkthismaygo.schola

>be Shas'vre
>we're firing st one of our pursuers and then boom, it explodes
>what the fuck.what
>what did he just do?
"Explain, what was this you just did? How did you turn that tank into a tree?"
>make sure I have my gun trained on the weird bird head, cause it's most likely the root of the weird shit
> I don't like this, this seems weird
>ideadawns.smart
>this will allow us to move around easier, but I'll make sure they're at the front so we can shoot them easier
>get word from my pilot that a Tau empire fleet has arrived but has not discovered us
> I wonder why they're here?
>no matter I have a job to do and my comrades will follow whatever the cowards of the sept worlds throw at us

>Foolish Tau knows not what he's dealing with
>Also, awesome Tau is pointing his gun at bird head
>I like this guy
>"It is called psychic powers. Among humans and the Aeldari, people can be found that possess the power to bend reality in many ways to many purposes. For example, sending messages across vast swathes of space faster than an electromagnetic signal, or turning a tank into a tree. Well, part of a tank. I think the other part has merged with its occupants...
>"Anyways, your species does not possess psychic potential as strongly as humans and aeldari do, and as such possess no psykers."
"Crawk! More are coming!"
>"And as my bird head says, more are coming. While I may be powerful, dealing with multiple tanks MAY prove impossible."
>Fucking shit bird, forcing me to include him in my conversations.

>be Shas'vre
>this man calls himself a psyker
>I have heard of these
>The gue'la despise them for the damage they wreak
>hemightbeuseful.smartTau
>I don't like the look of the bird head though, but I'll leave it alive unless it make a nuisance of it'sself
>more tanks are on the way we either move out now or ready a defense line here and fight them
>I'll ask our new psyker ally
"what say you? should we move out and stay ahead of this oncoming threat or should we stay and fight it?"
>lets see if he is a coward or not
>cowardice is disgusting
>either way we have work to do and this man is an efficient tool to get the job done
>I'll send the stealth suits ahead to scout out the area and then com me with anything they find, I need to know this place inside and out.

>"In my opinion, withdrawing would be the best option at the moment. Killing more Imperials at this moment would only attract more, let alone if I possess the ability to destroy the number of vehicles coming."
"Crawk! Lord Tzneetch tip of the day: only attack the enemy on your own terms, either when you are sure you will win, or if the attack is a smaller part of larger plan!"
>"Yes... as the bird says, our position is not secured, and we'll be outnumbered and outgunned."
>Dear Tzneetch, I hope this guy doesn't want me to blow up ALL the tanks.
>I mean, I could do it
>Maybe
>But I'd rather not

>Be Shas'vre
>He's a coward then
>at least a smart coward
>fine I'll listen to the bird head, for now anyway
>get my men to pack up camp and begin to move out
>also notify the stealthsuits to continue their mission but also attempt to keep us in range as much as they can
>at least none of my cadres will die
>just need to figure out why the sept worlders are here
>what do they want with this planet
>maybe the psyker could aid me in figuring this out
"fine, we move but I would ask of you something, I have been given word of T'au from the sept worlds in orbit of the planet, would you be able to discern their intent here?
>lets see how well he is
>might just point my gun at the bird head just in case so I don't get blindsided with warp fuckery
>stupid bird
>stupid bird people
>weird non talking marines
>mfw this was supposed to be a simple recon mission but now it's me against the sept worlders

>Be Tau Etheral
>Man... look at that shithole below us
>The planet with all the hot gue'la bitches
>Yep, totally gonna conquer that in the name of the Empire
>Totally not going to make it my personal pleasure planet
>I Pet the head of what was once a promising earth caste scientist before I noticed her rockin' bod
>Being an ethereal fucking rocks
>I Wonder if that water caste I sent here is still alive.
>Let's see... we put tracking chips in everyone so...
>Yep, there he is, being chased by a car
>I don't think there's even anyone in it.
>It's just a fucking empty car going in the exact same direction as him.
>Fucking what?
>Whatever
>Fuck that guy
>He shouldn't be being chased by cars
>He should be putting that water caste charm on to seduce the leaders of the planer
>Break them in for me, ya know?
>Call up the Shas'O under my command.
>"My will be done, conquer this planet in the name of the Empire!"
>They give praise to me and prepare to land.
>Fucking priceless.troll
>Fine ass air caste feeds me grapes
>Living the good life

Attached: This is how Etherals see themselves.jpg (225x225, 10K)

>The tau asks me for the intentions of the enemy?
>Not exactly my forte, but I can try
>"Aright then, allow me to peer into the warp so I was discern their minds."
>Open myself the warp
>All the colors.jpg
>Gaze up at the sky
>Yep, lots of dim Tau souls up there
>And one very bright one actually
>Must be the ethereal
>Let's see... not the best at mind reading, but I can do in a pinch...

>Wow.
>Just wow.
>That guy is an open fucking book
>How the fuck has he not fallen to Slaanesh?
>Absolute hedonist.motherfucker
>I can't...
>I don't...
>Should I tell this guy the whole thing, or just the conquering stuff?
>"Listen well, for this is what I have gleaned from the warp: The fleet has come here on orders of a single ethereal to conquer this planet."
"Crawk! And the reason he's doing it is because he wants to make it his personal pleasure planet!"
>"...Yes, that is indeed the reason. I was leaving that out because it was so ridiculous."
>I awkwardly cough
>One of the tzaangors has a brick in its mouth
>A fucking brick

>Be Shas'vre
>this psyker has told me the intentions of the T'au fleet in orbit
>the Ethereal leading it was degenerated into a frame of mind no T'au should look into
>Imustcleansehisfleetofhim.save my enslaved bretheren
>the gall of this Ethereal to treat ladn like this, even though we weren't going to take it, time to spite him
"time to find shit Shas'O he has sent and deal with him or negotiate a surrender of his equipment and men, and then later deal with the fleet in orbit"
>I tell my pilot to send word to the enclaves about this T'au fleet and that I may need support, namely some more men and battlesuits, namely an XV8-05 crisis battlesuit for myself
>time to fight and win

>Be Colonel
>On my way to talk to the cogboys I thought to stop in on the commissars and see what they were doing and if they could help me out
>being commissars and all they're bound to have some left over equipment and vehicles he/they can spare
>I hope so, I really don't want to talk to the admech or the fucking administratum
>this is all Commissar Lady crazy's fault
>"drive me closer I want to hit them with my sword"
>dumb bitch
>can't say it to her face though, the boys need me to lead them
>can't do that with a hole in my face
>hopefully the Commissar and himself are able to give me a hand, if he does I might give him more of a hand later on
>but I'll send word to the admech to meet me with Commissars one and two

>Good
>It seems this tau somewhat trusts me then
>"So we are to look for their commander then? That is what Shas'O means, correct? If we are to do that, it would help if were were to remain hidden. Luckily, I have just the solution for being hidden while remaining mobile."
>I raise my staff and energy shoots out in long visible arcs, sticking over our heads and impacting the earth around us, forming a shimmering dome
>As an added bonus, a whisper of warp energy enters the Tau around me, easing their future corruption to Tzneetch
>"While inside this dome that centers on myself, we will be nearly undetectable to mortal eyes as the dome twists and distorts perceptions. To those observing us, we may simply be absent from the world, or else we will seem to them their approximation of normal, possibly looking like a patrol of human guardsmen."
"Crawk! Tzneetch gives knowledge to good like boys!"
>"Now then, let us move on and hunt the enemy leader as you say. Lead the way."
>I gesture to the tzaangors to stop fucking around and for the rubrics to follow
>The tzaangor with the brick still hasn't dropped it.
>"Drop it. DROP it!"
>He drops it
>"Good boy."
>I pet him
>Caring for tzaangors.101

>It seems this Psyker is becoming more and more lax as I allow him more freedoms
>I still don't like the bird, next fire fight I'll "accidentally" shoot the bird
>his bird man things are weird, one had a brick in it's mouth
>wut
>anyway yes it's time to hunt down their Shas'O and deal with him before more sept world forces arrive
>I just hope I actually get that battlesuit cause I like battlesuits and I want one
>but it's time to move
"you are smart psyker, I will give you that, this will aid us yes, I hope you will be of more use to me in the future"
>stupid gue'la
>thinks I trust him and his stupid bird head
>I trust him as much as I can throw him
>which for someone like hm, not that far
>I sense lies coming from him, intuition you could call it
>but even still I must make sure I and my men are safe from his warp tricks

>be me, Archon Dathram of the Starless Night Kabal
>sip wine casually, going over various spy reports
>the tau showed up
>genestealers got BTFOed and barely a handful remain
>the main city is in ruins
>again
>some chaos Mon'keigh showed up and is fucking with some tau
>the planetary govorness is fucking her husband
>that one sybarite is holding hands with the succubus
>deliciouslylewd.tantalus
>normal shit
>finish up the last of the wine I had
>none left on any of the ships
>I guess I should get off my ass and do something
>stand up and stretch
>what to do first...
>idea.drugs
>call for one of my various mandrake spies
>hand him? her? it a holo communicator
"Deliver this to our wonderful host."
>the mandrake stares at me
>...
>it hands me the communicator
>ah, yes I forgot
>they're fucking stupid
>with the patience of a saint I hand it back to the mandrake
"By host I mean the governess. Do be discreet about it, would you?"
>the creepy fucker vanishes into the shadows
>sigh and wait
>I should check for wine
"KENT"
>two minuets later the Mon'keigh stumbles into the room
>he's hung over
>again
"Whatcha need boss?"
>sigh
"Go check for wine in the cellars. If you don't find any, just bring up a bottle of that "Rot Gut" you make. Something's better than nothing."
>the mon'keigh staggers back away
>stare at the planet below me
>soon enough the mandrake will return and I'll get a chance to speak with the governess
>massage my temples
>the two trueborn guards get into a fist fight over who has a bigger dick or whatever they fight about
>again
"I am surrounded by idiots..."

Attached: IMG_2369.jpg (600x781, 74K)

>Be Tau Water Caste
>I stepped on a fucking landmine
>A
>Fucking
>Greater Good Damned
>Landmine
>How am I alive?
>How are my limbs still attached to my body?
>Why am I alive?
>I need purpose in my life
>As the ringing slowly clears from my ears, I hear somebody talking
>Who would talk to a pathetic creature like me?
>Oh, wait, it's coming from a ragged speaker bolted to the wall.
>It's that guy, the Bishop
>The one with the hot wife I was told to bang by that asshole ethereal
>The bishop's talking about the Emperor, and purity, and such
>I honestly don't get a lot of that
>I'm pretty delirious as this point from all the concussions and dehydration
>From how he walks about it, the Emperor seems to be their unifying thing
>Their version of the Greater Good.
>Well, my life is shit, and appears to be in no way to be getting better.
>Fuck it
>Be Tau Water Caste, worshipper of the God-Emperor
>Praise the golden throne and all that
>Pull an aquilla off a dead body
>There are a lot of dead bodies on this planet
>Affix Aquila to uniform
>perfect picture of Emperor worship.stillaxeno
>I go off towards the cathedral
>I'm going to go find that Bishop guy and thank him for turning my life around.
>Well, not turning it around
>It is still exactly as terrible as it was before
>I'm just coming at a different angle
>Emperor protect.isthatwhattheysay

>Be Fessus
>I am a genius and this was a genius idea?
>Who would suspect that people would try to sneak in in boxes?
>Not the guards that’s for sure
>and thanks to the shielding on the boxes neither did their drones
>so once we get inside, Marcus Lloyd and I all take positions
>There’s two groups, one looks like your typical ganger scum, but dressed up with some weird plaid lookin patterns on them
>The other group looks like...PDF boys?
>nah, they look too shifty and scraggly
>Probably looters, or deserters.
>It looks like they’re the ones supplying the tech
>they’re still talking, Good, that means we still got time
“Well, genius leader, how are we gonna go about this?”
>”Umm”
>Shit there’s a lot of guys here, and once we start firing there’s gonna be a lot of them focusing on us
>”Uuhh...”
“Well come on you do have a plan don't ya?”
“This here’s all the plan we need!”
“Lloyd-“
>”-No!”
>A bright flash emits infront of the parties negotiating the deal
>Well so much for that plan
>We start firing, and take out a good few of the dazed,
>Some of the dealers side try and escape with the gooss, but some negotiation from the business end of Marcus’s plasma gun convinces their truck’s machine spirit otherwise
>but once they recover, they start returning fire
>thank goodness these boxes make for excellent cover
>and for the fact that gangers apparantly cant aim for shit
>their training and discipline is pretty shit actually
>well what can you expect from ganger scum
>still though there’s a lot of them
>some of them are moving to flank
>oh shit one of them’s got a combead,
>I think he’s calling for reinforcements
>Shit, i was banking on them beig too cowardly to stay and fight
>suddenly, a Van bursts through the side Wall
>Oh come onethatvwas like 20 seconds, no way they could be that fast
>Wait why is it running over gangers?
>The Door opens
>Oh thank the Emperor it’s our guys.

>he converted a fucking tau to the imperials
my sides, this whole story has been great.

>Be Tar Gwill, last of the night lords 83rd
>and I still don't plan to die on this world
>running from the cathedral
>running from genestealers?
>running from baneblades?
>FLYING LAND RAIDERS???
>I could...maybe get behind that
>Imeanimgoingtostealit.nostromanisaverysymboliclanguage
>climb some dirty hab block
>perch on the edge
>wait for grav tank to come by...
>SWOOP.avedominusnox
>loyalist commander is clowning around in the cupola
>disintegrate his unhelmed head with by boot
>already in hand, I toss a stasis grenade into the cabin
>taking fire from other grav tanks
>do stasis grenades make a sound when they go off?
>Tank is starting to veer wildly
>I guess not
>Try to enter hatch
>Skinning knife drawn
>grandtheftlandship.holo
>Stupid headless commander in the way
>Hunch behind him as heavy bolter fire rakes the hull
>Grav tank plants at full speed into a hab
>fly like a raptor
>land in rubble
>seconds later, pick out loyalist mutts advancing towards me
>time to go
>sprint back off down some alley
>wonder if the melta charges in the cathedral will ever blow
>don't care
>run back to sewers
>another glorious day in the VIIIth

1 of 2
>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>Have the Canoness brought up to our ship by shuttle.
>Tell the guys to avoid the normal pat down, and even allow her to bring along a little retinue if it makes her feel safe.
>Of course, they aren't invited to the meeting.
>Ship's decor is opulent. More like what you'd expect from a Rogue Trader but with far more muscle.
>FuckinClassy.png
>Food is prepared and served by servitors designed specifically for their function. Dinner is a private setting.
"You probably thought AdMech food was at least two parts oil, eh? Well, some of the courses are. It's just the kind that comes from olives as opposed to the kind you use on your Bolter."
>Be absolutely massive. Between fat, muscle, and machinery easily the weight of two or three armored space marines.
"I imagine I don't have to explain what I'm doin here to you. You seem like a smart broad, so there's no need to beat around the bush. Your planet is full of tech heresy. That's no surprise to you, because you engage in it yourself. We didn't even have to look hard at your ride to figure that out."
>Be covered in Mechadendrites, though the upgrades all look more expensive then necessary.
"But I'm glad you came. Though, if I were you I'd be looking for any excuse to get off that fuckin shitshow of a planet. Normally I conduct most of my operations on the ground, where I can get hands on. But here, fuckin unbelievable. Between the quality of amasec and what passes for cuisine down there, it's just no way to live."
>Drinking the finest amasec and eating course after course of food befitting the most corrupt nobles of the imperium.

>Be Decarus
>Be working for Admech now after one of their Magos caight on to all the technoheretical things we did
>We were only doing it to stay alive
>still, a crime’s a crime i guess
>So me and Phil weren’t having much luck finding a vehicle
>It turns out there wasnt a lot within our price range
>that being very little
>nobody would even let us borrow their cars either
>Phil was seriously considering borrowing one of their vehicles without asking, even rhough that sounds an awful lot like stealing.
*Beep* *Beep*
>It’s Static honking the horn
>It turns out that he had managed to talk the vendor into selling us An armored van at a reduced price,
>a really reduced price in fact
>The Vendor didnt even ask for our money, he just looked really sweaty and nervous
>I guess Static must have told him jow inportant our mission was
>wow, i guess that’s why the Boss sent Static with us
>so anyways we drive back to the designated wait spot, but since we heard a lot of shooting and swearing going on, we figured that was as good a signal as any
>Now, i dont wanna be mean to Static, especially after the way he manages to get us that van
>but his driving is awful
>seriously, he didnt even try to avoid the wall, or the people on the other side
>I mean, yeah they were bad guys who were shooting at our friends, but sill that’s bad practice
>Anyways, that seemed to scare off most of them
>Fessus, Marcus, and Lloyd all jumped up and and started grabbing everything they fould and piling it i to the van
>they even picked up a few people and tossed them in there too
>I wasn't even sure if they were still alive until they started moaning
“They’ve got friends coming and they’re bound to be pissed. Drive man DRIVE!”

2 of 2
"Of course, it doesn't actually have to be that way. I'm fine digging in on a Deathworld when I've got business there. But this place? It could be a nice fuckin world if it weren't for the worthless degenerates running it. And I think you know that. You got this Bishop kid that can't tell his head from his dick and this half-a-fag Commissar fuckin himself in a low-tech tank instead of handling planetary threats. Given that, you can only get so much done. Now, I don't normally care to get involved in planetary governance, but the AdMech has interests here and I'm the guy they send when they need their interests looked after."
>OrTheirProblemsHandled.png
"Now you, you're stuck here. You're tryin ta guide around a bunch of fuckin children. And, worse case scenario, I might have to punish you for what they've asked of you. But see, there's another way. Because I want to see this planet prosper too. That makes life better for you and for me."
>Slide the table away from between us with mechadendrites, grabbing our drinks and handing yours back.
"All this planet needs to be comfortable, safe, and profitable is a man that can take charge. You've been fightin that ass of yours off trying to fix things but as long as you're surrounded by children, you're never gonna be happy. But I'm here now, and I'm going to turn this planet into what I want. And that can be a good place for you if you decide to be my friend instead of my enemy. So what do you say Canoness Konstanzia, do you want me to make you happy?"

>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>accompanying Saim-Hann rangers on an important mission
>everything in this human city is cramped and dark and shitty
>don't actually have to be here, just pretended that the paths of fate were convening to sound mysterious and cool
>didn't realize it would be so fucking cold
>or that there would be stank-ass ork corpses everywhere
>whole planet reeks like shit
>at least I don't have to worry about how I smell
>rest of the strike dagger are jabbering on about some stupid nonsense
>aeldari this, my aeldari, aeldari 4 lyfe, what the fuck...
>is this how normies talk now?
>fucking die
>I came here to impress these faggots and now they're all ignoring me and laughing about stupid shit that makes no sense
>fuck
>walk alongside two of the guys, sort of close
>sweating.jpg
>too busy concentrating on walking right to listen to what they're saying
>should I try talking to the girls instead?
>probably talking about dicks, fucking sluts
>I bet none of them have even seen a dick, not even mon'keigh dick in xenology classes
>well, I haven't either
>guys are laughing, shit, are they laughing at me?
>they know this Thirsty Bitch Mask isn't my face right?
>I'm not 10/10 but it'd be an insult to ugly chicks to call me ugly, I'm at least cute
>fuck, make it easier to butt in to your conversation, fucking normies
>girls up ahead are looking back at us
>are they looking at me?
>shit, they probably think I'm trying to poach their guys
>fuck off sluts, your holes are probably saggy from too much cock by now, you don't been to be scarfing dick all the time
>Cegorach, smite these bitches
>why are none of these guys talking to me? are they waiting for me to say something? fucking limp dick betas
>why would I know what to say I'm not a normie piece of shit like you fuckwads
>exquisite eldar senses pick up motion ahead
>unsheathe storied sword, rev up phase gauntlet, etc, time to impress

Attached: solitaire 2.jpg (985x1920, 338K)

>A Public Service Announcement from the Ecclesiarchy and your pal The Bishop!
>Today we're going to discuss the subject of SEXUAL MORALITY
>Did you know that the vile xenos and the ruinous powers primarily infiltrate and corrupt the blessed Imperium through premarital sex?
>That handsome fella promising you a good time may be a TYRANID INFILTRATOR
>9 months later you may find yourself giving birth to a world destroying GENESTEALER which will destroy your mind, ruin your figure, and stretch your body beyond its limits.
>TheyComeOutSwingin.gif
>If you gals find yourselves kneeling for anything but prayer, it is almost certain that you're going to end up with a mouthful of xenos parasites!
>So avoid becoming a bloated and unattractive host for xenos monsters. Tell your man that nothing goes in your mouth until "I do" comes out of his!
>TyranidsMakeYouFat.png
>And fellas, don't think you can get away with premarital sex either! Even if that loose girl has somehow avoided becoming infected by Tyranids, she is leading you down the road towards corruption and torment.
>You may think she's your gal, but she's Slaanesh's pal.
>Exposure to Chaos corruption can have horrific physical side effects.
>Men may grow breasts, your penis may transform into a purple lobster claw, or you may even turn gay!
>Eeewwww.voxcast
>So, until you're ready to say I do, show that special someone your affection through handholding, prayer, purging heretics, and dancing with at least 12 inches between you.
>Of course, it's a whole different story once you've entered into a loving monogamous relationship with the Emperor's blessing. Then you can enjoy the marital bed with the Emperor's protection.
>So if you have found that special someone and handholding just isn't enough, report to the Ecclesiarchy's matrimonial chapel! As long as your tithes are paid up, carry no Tyranid infection, and you bring an appropriate donation you can be joined under the Emperor's blessing and proceed to be fruitful!

Attached: image.jpg (300x291, 90K)

>Be Matriarch Cecilia, leader of genestealers
>Given the PSAs from the bishop, daddy's previous methods of prostitution have mostly stopped working
>Program canceled
>Out of work.whores
>Luckily, new plan has been formed
>We built a church!
>Why slink to the shadows when you can hide in plain sight?
>We built it in the power areas of the city
>Among the dirty, unwashed masses, still riled up by the Bishop
>It's the Church of the God-Emperor's Arms
>Inside is a statue of the God-Emperor
>The statue has four arms.
>In one it holds a burning sword
>In one it holds a chalice
>In another it holds a quill
>In the last is holds the Aquilla
>And inside...
>In side are daddy's ashes
>Rest in peace.tears
>Every time we hold a service, a random petitioner is chosen to receive "The Emperor's Gift"
>They are given a drink from the chalice which "miraculously" fills with holy liquid each night
>And a kiss from Mother Cecilia, the kindly old priestess who runs the church.
>Hidden in plain sight, beloved by the people we help
>We will spread slowly, carefully for now
>They will join the Family in their minds first before they ingest the seed
>And when we finally draw back the curtain
>They will beg for my kiss

Attached: The Cult .png (500x500, 75K)

>Be Tar Gwill last of Night Lords 83rd
>Trying to contact the alpha shits
>looks like the corpse worshippers cleared them out
>New Objective: Survive
>at least theres some cool loot down here
>have to slag a few mechanicum scavengers before they see me
>score a powerknife and a sororitas melta
>leave a plasmagun on the ground, i'm too young to die
>I should be safe in the catacombs
>now i need a plan

>Be Marcus
>”Oh Come on why does the bucket of bolts get to drive”
“Because, Marcus, that buckey of Bolts has not only be trained to commune with machine spirts, but he also just saved our asses.
>”But he drives like a bloody fuckin madman!”
“Well maybe a lttle madness is what we need right now to get those guys off our trail, now quit whining and help us tape everything down before those goons catch up to us and force Static to start driving really recklessly!”
“It’s a bit late for that Fessus, it looks like they’re already here”
”What Already!? Shit, alright, Decarus keep our prisoners alive. Phil, Lloyd, keep tapin everything down so we dont lose anything! Marcus, get over here by the back and help me hold them off!”
>It’s them Tartan Gangers, and holy shit there’s a lot of them
>Man whatever we’ve got here must be important
>A lot of them are On small bikes rather than nice big easy target cars, and Static’s Driving isnt making this any easier
>fortunately they’re having an even worse time trying to hit us than we are them
>”Oh this is makin me sick! I think im gonna hurl!
“If you do, do you think you could do it on them? I only have so much ammo here.”
>suddenly the van Starts speeding up in a straight line, and most of the cars and bikes behind us start falling back
“Gentlemen, i would advise that you buckle up, close your eyes, and start praying”
>Do i want to know why?
>Look up ahead.
>Oh Bloody hell
>It’s a makeshift ramp made out of a fallen wall
>He’s gonna try and Jump it
>Shit
>feel that Giddy sensation you get right before your body realizes “oh shit im falling and gonna die”
>it’s a good thing Lloyd and Phil taped everything down already
>Because that Landing was bloody awful
>but compared the those of the dumb fucks who tried to follow us, it was just peachy
>Their flaming corpses are now decoratin the road
>”Static, You’re a creepy nutter you are, but damn if you cant drive”

>Be me, Hakron Geras of Alpha Legion Cell ΨO
>Retrieved most infiltrated members important to the upkeep of the Gloriana-Class Battle barge "Beta"
>once the flagship of our great primarch Omegon
>now in constant repair and upkeep after 10'000 years without his guidance
>managed to get most of the ship repaired during our stay underneath the crust of stercus ludicrum
>however recent unrelated events have drawn many imperial forces to our planet
>forcing us to find another suitable planet for repairs and legion building
>therefore I have fast-tracked operation "fix 'em up and drop 'em down" in order to make our tactical mobilisation more effective
>everything is in place
>except the night lord
>who has been CONSTANTLY breaking vox silence after we specifically told him that we will be filing out soon
>we would just leave without him, but he is a valuable asset, as demonstrated by his ability to sow terror
>because if him we obtained a special power sword to be reforged into a new alpha legion relic
>with me and other masters, another brainstorming session is held
>and a decision is made
>we send one last vox back to him, requesting his presence at the closest loading bay access point immediately
>or we send word to a nearby night lord warband contingent who we have "hired" to pick him up and rendevous with us at our new prepared HQ
>whatever works best with him
>hopefully he responds

>be Canoness
>definitely had better dates
>listen to this obese fuck make veiled threats
>and here I thought blimps were too low-tech for the Mechanicus
>at least the food is good
>just stare at him and listen while eating
>followers of the Omnissiah find my eyes charming, I've been told
>and they make for one hell of a poker face, if I ever needed the help
>he tries to angle me against the Bishop and the local government
>that would probably be my play, too
>appeal to my sense of practicality, get me to help him oust the idiots in charge
>and by extension, the Ecclesiarchy-backed government on what is ostensibly a Shrine World, my own support with it
>apparently he doesn't think I'm as smart a broad as he claims
>finish the rest of my meal in silence
>tell him that he must not understand how things work around here
>that on any other world I might be forced to acquiesce to his wishes, but this is not any other world
>that whatever the Mechanicus represents to the Imperium as a whole, here he is a tiny fish in a very large and busy pond
>that he speaks with only as much authority as he brought with him, because this is a place whose complications the High Lords have been all too willing to ignore
>and that I know very well that he's not in a position to follow through with his threats, because if he were we wouldn't be having this conversation
>he needs all the pieces to stay on the table
>sure, he could see everyone accused of tech heresy
>cut off our supplies
>attempt to enact punishment against representatives from three Sororitas Orders, eight Astartes Chapters and a Shrine World government
>and then what?
>run things by themselves?
>hole up in Angels' Landing defending against the Orks, Genestealers, Tyranids, Eldar, Tau and all the forces of Chaos with a bunch of pansy-ass Skitarii?
>fat fucking chance
>let him know that the amasec was excellent, but when we end up doing this again he should keep in mind that I'm more partial to wine

Attached: Harkonnen.jpg (600x900, 121K)

>Be Captain Thorn
>After me and my battle brothers have finally got out of MT Genestealer, Bishop boy ran up to me and gave me a nice Aquilla and started offering church services to us
>Decided to say fuck it, wanted to learn more about this whole Imperial Cult thing, after all Space Marines pretty much worship the Emperor as a god in all but name
>Only reason my most chapters don't say it outright is probably due to the few chapters that do worship him as God being lunatics
>Looking at you Black Templar Fags
>Rant aside the boy was pretty good at giving rousing speeches though he does go off on weird rants
>That and he seems to be the only person oblivious to his wifes past life
>On the plus side though, we have an excuse to stay at their mansion and get to fortify the shit out of it
>Defiantly beats having to use corpses as fortification
>That place is probably crawling with some sort of Nurgle fags.
>Or got crushed by one of the many ships now falling out of the sky due to a massive Tau fleet popping out of now where
>Fuckingxenos.Fist

>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Followed by my retinue of two rubrics(one in a silly hat) and an indeterminate number of Tzaangots, I make my way through this ruined city with a group of Tau from the Farsight Enclaves
>What a day.jpg
>We are hidden from perception by my spell of misdirection, which also happens to be slowly seeding the Tau I'm with with Chaos
>Foolish Tau, soon they will serve me
"Hey Xerxes, why do you think this planet is in such ruins? What do you think went down here?"
>This is the sixth fucking time my bird head's ducking asked that.
>He's made his voice sound more annoying each time
>"If you have to know that much, fine!"
>Sighting a random citizen on the street, and seeing no others, I telekinetically yank him to my hand
>He panics, obviously
>The Tau leader looks shocked, then angry
>He's threateningly asking what I'm doing
>"I'm going to extract the information of this planet's recent history from this man, should only be a moment."
>I reach into his mind and pull out all recent memories, tossing the man to the ground and out of our bubble of non detection
Really going to call it the bubble of nondetection? That makes it sound like a spell from Space Marines & Strongholds
>Shut the fuck up bird brain
>Your opinion and presence are not needed or wanted.
>Sort through memories
>This planet has been FUCKED
>Chaos. Necrons. Mechanicus. Tyranids. Eldar of both flavors. Multiple guard regiments. Multiple space marine chapters. Tyranids. Literal mountains of genetealers(that bit might explain the room we arrived in).
>This planet apparently used to be an ice world, but now it's 55 degrees F.
>Because at one point so many fire based weapons were being used that the ice all MELTED.
>And also the planet from the future was going to crash into this one?
>What. The. Fuck?
>I inform the Tau guy about all of that
>He seems as confused by it all as I am
>Oh well, we continue on to find that Shas'O guy or gal.

Attached: Xerxes.jpg (400x400, 56K)

>Be Shas'vre
>wandering around with this pay keeps is getting weird
>he keeps silently cackling
>it's unnerving
>suddenly we see a civilian who I assume we will avoid
>second later he's crumpled to the floor dead
>apparently pskyer man extracted the planets history
>well his planet is fucked hard
>trusting him less now cause of what he did was dishonourable
>feeling his weird itch or something in my head
>most likely nothing
>but regardless make sure my pathfinders are ready to fire on him and his retinue if needed
>cause I don't trust him
>a lot less than I did
>he's dangerous
>but nonetheless time to continue hunting this Shas'O
>scanners are showing that he is close by to our location
>thehuntison.fight

>Be Tar Gwill, last if the Night Lords 83rd
>finally stop killing rando scavengers long enough to for them to tell me they are XX legion messangers
>oh
>apparently they like having me around
>probably want to steal my pure geneseed or something
>well at least I wont be on this damned rock
>eat the messanger
>omophagia.implant
>Ok thats were the evac site is
>booby trap a few corpses on my way out
>so long suckers!

>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Followed by my retinue of two rubrics(one in a silly hat) and an indeterminate number of Tzaangots, I make my way through this ruined city with a group of Tau from the Farsight Enclaves
>Suddenly, the Tau leader stops and points
>Ahead are a group of other Tau, their armor painted differently.
>A few are in Tau Battesuits, and one of the suits stands above the others, likely the commander.
>Drones are floating about
>Wait, shit!
>The dome relies on perception!
>It doesn't work on non-living sensors!
"Crawk! Tau guy, the dome won't work against drones! We need to get cracking at this now!"
>"Ugh... as the bird says. I leave these tactical decisions to you, Tau man. Be quick about it, I believe the drones are drawing close to our location."
>I tap the rubrics to ready their bolters
>The tzaangors can smell the coming battle and raise their blades, forged on the planet of the sorcerers.
>I ready my psychic powers
Get on with it, you describe the battle

>be Misthil Weepfall, Eldar Farseer
>Spend six months working as hive toilet cleaner to get promotions
>finally cleaning planetary govenor's personal toilet
>leave small stone just outside governor's door
>he trips, is 8 seconds late to a meeting
>JUST AS PLANNED
>flee into the webway alone, leaving my contingent of 8 squads of guardians to die

>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>And feth, I've been having a hard time moving about
>See with some rags over me, I look like just another one of the pilgrims or refugees walking through the streets of the city
>Most people are moving about, being directed by rebuilding efforts
>I could blend right in
>Were it not for the big chain axe I keep lugging around
>ItAintEasyBeingSwole.jpeg
>So to prevent some two-bit snitch from spotting me, and calling the arbites, or worse, I had to get creative
>Turns out strife in a community, no matter how many stupid speeches you give, leads to people willing to pull shifty shit
>Had to fork over most of my improvised Tyranid bits to some folks who liked to call themselves a 'cafe'
>WaiterThere'sATentacleInMySoup.jpeg
>In exchange I got a 'job' making some deliveries around town, and a small cart for my troubles
>Big enough to carry my axe and a few servings of their food
>Honestly not sure if I want any after seeing what else was being dragged into that shifty shop
>Can you even eat a Greenskin?
>Then again I lasted for who knows how long on servings of tyranids, served up specially with Sororitas Burning Promethium Sauce
>PutThatShitOnEverything.mp3
>So I'm heading through the streets, start to see familiar sights
>No fething way....
>Spot what used to be my neighborhood
>Not a bad spot before some orks decided to turn it into a shooting gallery
>Against all odds, I can see that my old hab building is still standing
>DoIDareDreamOfABed.png
>One long elevator ride up gives me my answer
>Stumble into Unit 289-B
>Despite the clear draft from bullet holes in the wall, it's looking good
>Spot bed, intact
>NotBad.gif
>Gently place axe down, tuck it in
>I'llBeWithYouInAMomentDarlin.png
>Head over to my old personal cogitation unit
>It's covered in dust, but hey, it's a old Canopy XP model
>Load on up Netscape, because suffering
>Decide to check my Faithbook, see what I've missed since I got shipped off to die.

Attached: HomeSweetHome.jpg (736x552, 62K)

>be me, Julius, ex factory worker
>and man, does this planet suck
>dont get me wrong, wasn't great before
>lostafingertocold.didn'tdietho
>still was better before those bolter bitches showed up
>like, sure it was great at first, warmer days, got to see REAL space marines, they even got those green skeleton things to stop killing all my friends
>plus the sororitas are super hot
>like... damn
>I'dliketopraiseherEmperor.boner
>turns out that they're fething crazy though
>one look at my pal Walter's lucky extra pinkie and they started screeching about mutants!
>only managed to avoid getting roasted since I'm so short, and they were kinda busy killing the rest of my friends
>who'sthepipsqueaknow?.suddenlylonely
>now, I'm a good boy, always paid attention in schola, always said my prayers to the Emperor
>but what, these are our "most holy" protectors?
>I mean, it sucked, but what could I do? fight an entire order of bolt-happy zealots?
>so I ended up finding a home in the newly founded Angel's Landing
>grinds my gears to see those bitches getting praise
>the nude statue of their boss helped though
>and I started getting weird headaches, like it felt like my skull is fuzzy on the inside
>other than that, life went back to being pretty ok, got a new job in the city
>then the fething wedding happens
1/2

Attached: 675606701678b16706d6d458fd7a3725.jpg (1881x2498, 386K)

>didn't see most of it, since I was hiding under the sturdiest hovel I could find
>what I DID see was a shit ton of bolter bitches knocking some Bigass... blood... mech... monster thing directly onto my hab block
>IsweartoEmpstheyaimedthat.homelessagain
>so I ended up squatting in this place that had most of a bed
>that is, until these big purple, four armed fethers started pouring out from underground and murdering everyone
>Iblametheboltorbitches.callingitnow
>would have got me as well, but it turns out that I can make thing explode by thinking at them real hard
>neat!
>fuzziness in my head turn into voices
>say I'm a sorcerer now, tell me they have plans for me
>lots of plans
>seemslikeheresy.notsure
>then I learn that not only was a sororitas leading the purple fethers, but that the boltor bitch bosses decided to feth of and get drunk while the rest of us were getting murdered
>AND THEY WERE HIDING IN THE FETHER THEY DROPPED ON MY HAB BLOCK!
>ask the voices if the plans can include brainsploding some sisters
>quiet for a moment, hear some paper rustling
>but, like, in my brain
>they say yes
>Boltorbitchesgetboltorstitches.heresy
>voices start to give me directions
>time to see where this goes
2/2

Attached: thisisyourbrainonwarp.jpg (1280x1441, 451K)

sorry I took so long, commitments
>Be Shas'Vre
>looks like we've found the Shas'O
>and apparently the shield will go down if those drones get too close
>tell my warriors to prepare, what I'll do is run out and fire the first shot and then they will open fire from inside the dome
>this will confuse the Shas'O and then the dome will be lowered to show our larger force
>ooh thats a nice battlesuit
>I'll be taking that mr Shas'O
>anyway, what will happen is my retinue of pathfinders will apply marker lights to enable us to target our enemies easier
>anyway
>enact plan in
>3
>2
1
>NOW
>I rush out from under the cover seemingly out of nowhere and begin firing at some of the sept worlder T'au around the Shas'O
>They all turn around confused and start hurriedly firing back and try to figure out where I cam from
>my fire warriors begin opening fire
"keep the commanders suit in good condition I'm taking it from him"
>my pathfinders apply marker lights and at that point the dome goes down to reveal our men
>thanks psyker man
>at this his weird birdmen rush to the T'au warriors and begin to cut them down, with suspicious efficiency
>notgonnacomplain.fightingwell
>the other two marines also suddenly open fire, spewing flaming round from their weapons
>odd
>they're forces have been thinned greatly, shoot down one of the shield drones and continue on
>the sept worlders have stopped firing
>odd
>the Shas'O is surrendering to me
>nice.enclaves
>well I'll be taking the battlesuit and any other shit you have
"I will be kind, go back to your ship and leave this planet telling your Ethereal what has happened here and who has bested you"
>thats that done, now we deal with the psyker next

>Be me Planetary Governess
>Babe asks me if he can purge the Admech from the planet
>You know, I kinda spend most of my economic and politc classes under desks that were not mine, but I am not that dumb
>UmmSweetieThatsNotGonnaWorkAndHereIsWhy
>And thats a good thing!
>No shut up and let me wash you
>Babethisbathtubwasemptybeforeyougotin.png
>Wake up next morning, still kinda dizzy
>Letscheckfaithbook
>Apparently Babe made some Anouncements about modesty
>While not a fan of the concept per se, I see the need, also what is greater then getting married by holy man and women of the emperor in a utmost holy church that was a bulwark against the foes of mankind on a holy shrineworld
>FAITHFULNESSINRELATIONSHIPS.pasta
>Also, I got a message from some higher Ranking AdMech Magos, but I missed the meeting.
>Well, why don't you come over to my house?
>Boy, I said this to often
>Also, some rather nasty package arrived. >Apparently it is some holocast device packaged in human skin
>FuckingRyonaFags.png
>So, what is this about?

>Be Fessus
>Well After yet another Instance of us Almost dying doing another ridiculous task in service to someone else shoved on us, we decided that to call that night a success and told Static to drive us back to the Boss
>I’m still not sure if he can understand us but he seemed to get the message and stsrted driving us back to their base
>I still dont understand why he would stick us with someone who cant speak Gothic
>especially considering that he’s supposed to be handling us, but we cant understand a word he says
>whatever, it works out better for us if we can “creatively” interpret orders
>And as long as someone can understand Gothic over there, they should be able to interrogate our prisoner
>We hadn't been able to grab the Dealers, but we did get our hands on one of the ganger negotiating with them
>according to Marcus he’s a Member of on of the Tartan Spire gangs, from back when there was a Tartan Spire
>They must have migrated here after the whole “Hive burning down” business
>anyways we get back to the fat Bastard to give him our loot
>Some Crates of Tau Tech, some Briefcases full of unmarked thrones, and one ductaped and very perturbed Tartan Ganger (slightly damaged)
“Well, boys, i have to say, not bad. I honestly didn’t expect you to come back all in one piece.”
>Gee thanks
>What’s he doing now?
“Here’s a litttle somethin-somethin fer services rendered, we’ll call when we need you again
>Wait...are we getting...paid?
“What? Dont look so surprised Fessie. Like i told you earlier, the Admech rewards good performance. Keep it up and keep your mouth shut, and there’ll be more where that came from”
>Fuck Yes!
>We’re actually getting paid again!
>you know maube i misjudged him
>This might the start of a beautiful partnership

>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>Have my drivers taking me over to the Cathedral in my favorite Excorcist. The Bishop wants me to evaluate some of the Sisters of Battle. After that Tyranid thing managed to get to his girl, he says he needs far more bodyguards.
>As far as assignments go, interviewing some of the more impressionable Bolter Bitches for a prestigious assignment doesn't sound bad.
>CastingCouch.vid
>But I can't really enjoy the trip.
>Distracted by the fact that I'm probably going to get turned into a servitor over the really blatant Tau tech heresy.
>So I'm doing something I don't usually bother with. Praying.
>Emperor, send me a patsy I can blame this shit on.
>Emperor, I've done you some favors lately. I even saved that little prick Bishop and I'm barely skimming off the top of the coffers I'm filling.
>Emperor, seriously, I think you fuckin owe me one.
>PayUpGodEmperorOfMankind.prayer
>Doubt it's going to work, so spend the rest of the trip looking out at this somehow growing city.
>See a bunch of the Bishop's lunatics all gathered around someone. They seem pretty mad.
>Poor little bastard probably sang a hymn wrong or maybe they just found out he knows how to read.
>Wait a second, is that guy... blue?
>And he looks like he's trying to actually reason with these morons.
>TheEmperorDelivers.gif
>Have my guys stop the Exorcist and send some out to find out what's going on.
>I genuinely can't believe what they report.
>I guess all species have morons.
>The pint-sized pontiff has actually converted a xeno. A xeno that just so happens to be my ideal patsy.
>Order the mob to disperse in the name of the Bishop. Seems like we were just in time. Lucky for me these "holy warriors" had been debating whether it'd be more fun to have the xenos stretched or crucified.
>FellowshipOfTheFaithful.gif
>Help the little xeno back to his feet. Even speak some Tau from my days with the Rogue Trader.
>Baby, I'm going to make you a star.

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>Be Lloyd
>Be forced into working for Admech now
>Although with the way Fessus is acting now you’d never be able to tell
>Once he found out that we were getting paid for this you could practically see the Throne signs in his eyes
>Cant blame him too much though, it’s been ages since we got aome actual money
>Anyways, apparantly some Gangers are causing trouble for Businesses under Admech protection down in the titan quarter
>Since letting this continue would make Admech look weak and feeble, we’re being end to go take care of ‘em
>when we got there, we found these towel-headed punks trying to firebomb an electronics store.
>They weren’t havin much luck, but considering that they had brought a truck full of ‘em it was only a matter of time before it started to burn
>we were going to try and scare them off with a couple Drive-by’s
>Unfortunately for everyone involved, Static nust have misinterpreted that as Drive throughs.
>Freakin nutjob.
>After some of the Gangers unwillingly gave our van a new red paintjob, the survivors stsrted piling in their truck and booking it, swearing at us in some gobledegook dialect of low Gothic.
>When we went in to check on the Store owner, he was less grateful than we expected
“I pay Casanostra a hundred thrones a week tithes, and all he sends to protect me are a bunch of Cosplaying Guardsman and some fresh-off-the-ship Skitarii?! Is this some kind of fuckin joke?!”
>“Fessus’s Admech Clown service, here to make you laugh and smile. We do weddings and Birthday parties, and a little pest control on the side”
“Quit jokin around you smug smartass, you just stirred up the Hornet’s nest. Once they tell their friends what you just did, they’re gonna be coming back in full force.”
>”Who the Hell are those jack offs anyways?”
(1/2)

(2/2)
“The local Tallarn gang that controls this piece of shit neighborhood. They call themselves the Emperor’s Towel. A while ago during the clusterfucking, this planet got some Tallarn Guard troops, and their survivors started making friends some of the more radical Pilgrims and Crusaders. I mean the ones too nutty for our Bishop’s crusade, level of psycho’s.
“Geez they sound like a nasty bunch. What did you to make them so angry?”
“Nothing beyond exist kid. These fuckin Lunatics have killed people for everything from religious differences to refusing to take expired coupons. They aren't too keen on variations of the Imperial Cult, and that goes doubly so for Admech. Once you Piss them off, they wont stop until you’re six feet under”
“Shit! Alright, Marcus, Lloyd, start building barricades out of whatever you can find. Decarus come with me and help me get the big guns out of the van. Sir, do you have any weapons?”
“I’m a shop owner in the Titan quarter, of course I'm packin heat?”
“Great, get your self armed. Oh, and do you think you could lend Static a gun too? I dont think his laspistol’s gonna cut it.”
“Get us out of this alive and ill even let him keep it, come on you bucket of bolts let’s get you a piece
>He screeches something at Static in that Binary and he starts followin him down to the basement
>Emprah dammit what have we gotten ourselves into now!

>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>movement in the tunnels up ahead
>awww yiss
>finally something that's not malnourished men'keigh slave workers
>time to shine
>chittering mon'keigh tyranid hybrids stream past, gibbering about their dumb emperor
>faggots
>I could be that happy too if I believed a bunch of made up bullshit
>or that popular if I was chemically bonded to a bunch of other stupid normies
>faggot cheaters
>fucking die
>why are they all wearing veils and frilly black robes?
>is this the power of mon'keigh fashion?
>spring our ambush while they're occupied with dragging some normal mon'keigh assturds away, probably for lewd shit
>go in swinging as soon as the normies on my team unleash a hail of longrifle fire
>tear through them like kroot cock through dripping ranger slut-pussy
>yeah that's right, fear my forbidden power
>this is the best
>bigger, tyranidier mon'keigh draws four of his crude chainswords and snarls something
>probably something like "die die slut-thing" or whatever
>i was waiting for this, I already know what to say
>"you first", right? it's gotta be that, shit's classic
"y-you too!"
>you too
>YOU TOO
>Y O U T O O
>fuck
>murder everything with extreme prejudice
>did the rest of my team notice?
>nobody's saying anything
>are they ignoring it out of pity?
>just kill me

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>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>Hold up a hand to stop the Canoness, while I focus on a transmission in my ear from Sil. Something about a Colonel.
"Tell him I like to do favors, but I need to know what he can do for me."
>ThisAintACharity.binary
>Turn my attention back to the Canoness.
>Tell her she's misunderstood why I thought we should get together.
>What I want for this planet is gonna happen regardless.
>WeDidTheMath.jpg
>Tell her it must be lonely in the Sororitas.
>Tell her a body like that shouldn't be wasted locked away in some Cathedral
>MechadendriteOnLeg.moves
>We all have responsabilities we'll have to get back to.
>But I can how her how to relax
>ThisOneVibrates.mechadendrite
>Tell her the machine spirit in the shuttle might be acting up.
>And the weather is pretty bad planet side
>BabyItsColdOutside.mp3
>Tell her there's plenty of room in my bed.

>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Genestealers
>Running my little church
>Feeding the hungry
>Running homeless shelters
>Becoming a part of the community.beloved
>Not even welcoming that many peoples into the Family at this point
>Only really doing it for horrible people
>That way, when their behavior drastically changes we can claim they repented their sinful ways
>This church plan is actually going pretty great
>Hell, we're actually getting some funds from the bishop at this point
>I think he just sends money to any church that exists.spreadingthefaith
>But then, I feel the pain of my children dying below
>And not just low hybrids kept below
>Brood Siblings and fourth generation hybrids as well
>Almost the entire group is dead by way of an insane laughing eldar
>Two survivors managed to get away though
>With a nice catch, one of the same xenos that attacked them
>Very proud of them
>Being able to slip away with a captive in that situation
>They're going to both get gold star stickers
>They're waiting in the hidden sub-basement now
>Going down.stairs
>Very well hidden
>I mean, seriously, you actually need four arms to open it
>Best security
>Best for my babies
>The eldar is hogtied on the ground
>Spitting curses
>Mon'keigh this and mon'keigh that
>Hey, intolerance isn't allowed in this family
>But don't worry, mommy still loves you
>I plant a deep loving kiss on the eldar's mouth
>He screams, writhes, and squirms as I work my ovipositor down his throat, depositing my gene altering seed within him
>His eyes glaze over, followed by a new fire being lit into them
>Welcome to the Family son.RE7
>I cut his bindings and he gets up and hugs me
>He tells me all about his horrible life before the family
>The restrictive life of the craftworlds
>The horrors of battle
>The loss
>He tells it all
>I tell him that mommy is here for him now
>No more path system for you
>No more worrying about your soul being eaten by Slaanesh
>Because you're home.adoption
(1/2)

>Be Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa
>One day dis purple kommado git shows up at me Krooza
>Talkin' bout a propa foight to be 'ad in dis humie world
>Feh, just a humie world? Dey ain't got 'nuff 'ead fer me Bionik 'And, Leftie, ta krump
>Might as well krump dis git's 'ead, Leftie's itchin mighty bad
>gottakrump.pngrot
"...an' last I heard them Ty-roo-nid bugs wuz there, too!"
>FUND DIS GIT
>Get all me nobs togetha
>Weird-Dok Gutpoker, Flash Nob Fiddy-Teef, an' Big Mek Krom-Dom crash into me offis'
>oh, and dat Grotmando Dakkafilcha, 'e ain't a nob but 'e keeps poppin' up to these meetin's
>dat grot be mukkin' about but I won't krump 'im, 'e's too useful when inna foight
>I sez we go onna WAAAGGGHHH!
>Erryone agrees, tell Krom ta fire up da enjuns
>Leftie can't wait to krump some bug 'eads
>heard dem bugs called 'Jean Filchas' have some mighty big 'eads

(2/2)
>I leave my new son in the basement to get acquainted with his brothers and sisters
>Damn, he's added a lot of power to the web
>He DID walk the path of the seer in the past, so that makes sense
>Hopefully he can breed with some of his sisters
>Because they would produce babies with great psychic potential
>do it for grandma.incest
>I get back to my office above, put on my most faithful priestess voice, and place a call to the Bishop
>"Oh most glorious Bishop sir, we of the Church of the God-Emperor's Arms require your assistance. A group of homeless petitioners in the sewers were brutally slaughtered by foul and deceitful xenos, Eldar I believe, if one of my petitioners who used to be a guardsman is correct. Please your holiness, I beg of you, send help to cleanse this filth from our xenos!"
>I'm pretty good at faking that
>Did it a shit ton in the Schola
>Yes teacher, I AM dedicated to the God-Emperor
>Why did you ask that every fucking day.
>Whatever, my past before daddy found me doesn't matter
>Psychically contact my children underground
>Tell them that mommy's called some fumigators to clean the sewers, and that they need to leave the house for awhile.
>Some go deeper, digging into the tunnels created by burrowing tyranids months ago
>Some leave the sewers and hide in the barren and empty ruins to the city's south side
>One group leaves Angel's Landing entirely, taking one of the pure strains with them.
>Always remember kids, Mommy loves you very much

>Be Decarus
>Be standing behind barricade, waiting for the gangers to make their assault
>I always hate this part.
>The wating that is.
>I mean, yeah, it’s not scary or dangerous as the actual fighting, but it always makes me nervous
>Like, there’s not fighting, but you cant enjoy it because you know it’s going to end at any second,
>Hear shouting and the sound of trucks
>Looks like they’re finally coming.
>A bunch of Trucks start rushing in, towel-headed gangers hanging out the sides
>They’ve got Pulse rifles too
>Man why does everyone else get better stuff than us?
>The first one gets blown up by a Krak missle from Fessus,
>the second explodes after a Plasma shot from Marcus hit’s something volatile in the engine
>Some of the Trucks collide with the wreckage and force the drivers out.
>Most of them drive around it though.
>Man that’s a lot of trucks
>At least Thirty still left
>Some of them are stopping and letting out gangers
>A few of them try and charge but most get gunned down either by us, or sniped by the store owner and Static on the roof
>apprantly he had some Arc rifles hidden away, and Static’s not a half bad shot
“Yeahahaaa! Get fried ya towelheaded bastards! This is what happens when you mess with Joshua’s hardware store!”
>The few who manage to get close get their faces punched in by Phil.
>Some of them try and drive closer to us
>They get their Tires poped by the makeshift spike Traps marcus rigged up however, forcing them to get out and fight.
>there’s still alot of them who were smart and stayed back to shoot though
>And Even the missed Pulse shots are still destorying our barricades
>If this keeps up there might not even be a store left to defend
“Decarus, i think it’s about time for the Coup de Grace, dont you?”
>”The what?”
“The Detpacks Decarus, The Detpacks!”
>Oh right
>look at the large abandoned building they’ve all been corralled to stand in front of.
>you’veactivatedmytrapcard.Hehe

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>be me, Archon Dathram
>be on my ass again
>sipping that "rot gut" Kent brews
>hard shit, tastes awful but damn I can't feel my tounge
"KENT"
>faster than last time the mon'keigh appears around th corner
"Yeah boss?"
>grimace but realize I must say this
"Your brew is... acceptable."
>the idiot smiles like a kid who just got a gold star
>might as well have for all intents and purposes
>turn back to the planet below
>face inches away from that mandrake from before
>if I were a lesser man, I'd have reacted
>but I'm use to this shit
"Thank you, er... mandrake."
>give him a cookie and he fucks off
>his return means his job is done
>finish off the cup of rot gut
>temporarily go numb
>slap myself awake and activate the holo com
>this should be fun
>greeted with the startled face of the whore daughter of the former governor
>I think I fucked her at some point
>not 100% sure though
"Ah, dear hostesss. How very nice to speak with you! You know, your father and I were associates at one point, when I heard he passed I made all due haste to arrive here."
>not a total lie
>mostly came to fuck with them but I guess I should renew the deal
>however this ends, it should stave off the boredom for now

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>Be Tau Water Caste
>Recently converted to worship of the god emperor
>Because why not? It's not like my live can get worse.
>Started to have regrets when a mob started beating me for being blue
>It's not easy being blue.frog
>But then this cool guy in an armored vehicles saves me
>Says he admires my dedication to the god emperor
>He even gave me food!
>I praise the god emperor for the meal
>I've been eating moss and cockroaches for a month
>He even knows of my culture and species!

Attached: Coming up Water Caste.gif (480x362, 3.25M)

>Be Weird-Dok Gutpoker
>Belly's been 'avin dis weird feelin' as we get close to da humie world da Boss said we're gonna krump
>I shoulda know, Belly's da squig I stitched to me gut
>makes eatin' a whole lot faster
>but I doi-gresh
>take a peek from da Krooza windo'
>look at all dem ships!
>humie ships, blue git ships, panzee git ships, spiky humie ships, oh my
>no wonder Belly's giddy
>'e wants ta taste of all dem meats, don'tcha boy?
>oop, we gonna pass by dat big panzee ship
>I bet Fiddy-Teef gonna fire some dakka their way
>pet Belly a bit to calm it down

>be Canoness
>and I laugh
>just laugh
>no woman gets to my position without knowing the precise tone to deflate a man's ego
>though deflating this human dirigible might take some extra effort
>it's typical
>leave a man in a position where he can have whatever he wants for long enough, and he starts to mistake his station's appeal for his own
>brush his disgusting appendage off my thigh forced with a powered gauntlet
>get up
>tell him to thank the chef for a lovely meal, but I'd really rather not do it again soon
>head for the shuttle
>he could have it "malfunction" on that way back to the planet, certainly
>shuttle crashes happen all the time
>or he could make good on his "tech heresy" threats
>but I know he won't
>without enough support in the system, removing me would do more harm than good for his goals
>he'll be courting favor with other Imperials, angling against me and the local government
>which means I'll likely have to do the same
>figures
>killing things with a storm bolter and screaming at bitches who aren't killing enough things of their own is the entirety of my job description
>if I wanted to play politics I wouldn't have joined a fucking Order Militant
>but the God-Emperor chooses our battles for us
>the Mechanicus isn't satisfied with getting what they're due from Stercus Ludicrum
>they want the whole thing for themselves
>it's a shame that fat fuck Cosanostro hasn't been here long enough to understand that this isn't a scenario where he can win, even if he beats me
>either I'll crush him, or the planet will

>Be me, Drathor
>Be The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>Turns out even after everything that's happened, Tyranid Invasions, Ork Rampages, Chaos Corruption, Faithbook is still shit
>I swear to God, if I see another 'Like and Share if you love our Boys in The Guard, ignore if you're a heretic' posts, I'm going to have a headache
>Atleast it's good for somethings
>Managed to piece together what's trending right now
>The Church of The Four-Armed Emperor is getting good publicity, notice a lot of people praising it's work down in the lower levels.
>Apparently they've sent me a group invite
>Delete.png
>Also see from some posts that someone must have switched some 0s and 1s, because The AdMech is actually AdMech-ing
>Nearby explosion momentarily distracts me, but let's face it, there's always something going on here
>Bishop has seemingly started doing multiple daily PSAs, which are, of course, getting lovely reviews by all the people
>FethingKissAsses.gif
>This means, however, that he's holing up inside his personal estate
>Now, let it not be said that I'm abandoning my revenge quest
>But I'm not suicidal, and storming a Governor's complex with only a chain axe seems pretty bleak
>I'll need to load up on somethings first
>GunsLotsOfGuns.mp3
>So that's why I'm out here, on the streets
>Well I guess above them now
>Figured from the AdMechposting, that there's some guys in town that are dealing in what they shouldn't be
>Went out, cracked a few skulls
>ThatFeltGood.gif
>Figured out that there's an entire market for illegal contraband floating around
>And now, I'm going to try and steal from it
>Can't be worse then genestealers, right?
>Heard the Tartan Spire gangs are showing up with some more exotic gear then a rusted knife and busted stubber
>Not a bad place to start axing some questions
>GetIt.png
>Don't worry, I'm sure they will

>Be Xerxes, sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>With the help of this tau guy, we just killed a bunch of other tau
>The tzaangors are eating their kills
>"Yes, they eat their kills. You have those kroot things that do the same, yes?"
>The tau has sent the enemy commander back to the enemy ships and taken control of his battle suit.
"Crawk! Given that the enemy was in the process of fortifying this position, I recommend that we finish what they started and take it for ourselves. As Tzneetch says, finders keepers!"
>"It is as my bird head says. It is becoming night, and we have walked all and fought bravely. Time to rest."
>The tau seems to begrudgingly agree and orders his men to begin fortifying their position.
>Later, I deign to tell the Tau of greater things
>"The warp is truly a magnificent thing, it is a great sadness that your species has such a weak connection to it. And yes, you do have a connection. Every living thing does, even some particularly advanced machines."
"Crawk! And in the warp there resides four gods, beings of great power and psychic energy! The one that we follow is the god Tzneerch, master of magic and lord of fate and change! Through him, we receive more power on top of our personal abilities! Ha ha! And you could too!"
>"What the bird head says is true. Even tough you have no ability and no presence with the warp, the gifts of Tzneentch could grant them to you."
>I subtly weave the warp into my words. Just a pinch. It would barely even be noticeable to a psyker.
>If this manages to push the Tau over the edge, then it's just the push I needed
>If it doesn't, then it simply is a further ease towards future corruption.
>If you plan for everything
>Everything is.justasplanned

1 of 2
>Be me, the Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Pretty worn out from spending the night with my wife.
>We've been married for awhile now, but she still manages to constantly surprise me. She's such a pure soul but she's got moves I've never even heard of.
>Likely more divine inspiration from the Emperor, rewarding me for all of my amazing accomplishments.
>GovernessInTheStreetsHereticInTheSheets.jpg
>Spend several hours dictating my response to the Ad Mech.
>The Governess says I can't purge them and laid out a bunch of important sounding reasons why.
>She is so smart.
>They always said I was smart, but I had trouble paying attention to the finer details. I'd pay attention at the beginning, but I'd usually get distracted thinking about The Emperor, Miracles, and Fire.
>Plus I got really good at drawing pictures of my Aquila birthmark and pictures of Sisters of Battle admiring my Aquila.
>And a lot of my tutors would get distracted listening to me talk about The Emperor and my Aquila, so the progenum kept having to replace them.
>MissMyAquila.chosenone
>Have my lengthy response sent to the Ad Mech. Removed the direct threats of purging them so mostly just suggested the Omnissiah is heresy, urged them to convert, and warned them that heresy is punished by The Emperor.
>Also dictate some correspondance for the Canoness.
>Tell her that given the recent attack on the governess I need some additional Sisters of Battle guarding us.
>Brigitte would be great, since we'd probably get along given that she's a Living Saint and I was chosen by the Emperor.
>But, if we need to spread the two most blessed people out, then some combination of Terese, Charlotte, and Lydia would be fine. Not that one that calls me "little guy" though.
>DontSendTheFatOne.jpg