One-Liner/Memorable Quotes Thread

>My mama didn't raise a devil worshiper, didn't raise anything at all actually.

"Please do not jump my bones"
-Lich to his wife

"Why do you maniacs keep leaving me around explosives?"

And, from the same campaign:
"Oh, uh, oops."
-Wizard, shortly after accidentally destroying a moon

"Congratulations, it's a lizard!"

"It's kinda like a pillow fort made of nukes."

"FUCK THIS DISCO BALL"

"Kidnapping this T-Rex sounds like a terrible idea."
"Let's do it."

"What is it with us and destroying cities?"

"So, [Wizard], you have been turned into a dick."
"A dick?"
"Yes. A severed penis."
"Oh for fuck's sake."

"What level are you casting that spell at?"
"Yes."

Most of these make sense in context.

Attached: tumblr_nvpn44FFlu1sm5n94o1_500.jpg (500x391, 20K)

I can imagine some sort of context for most of them, but what was "FUCK THIS DISCO BALL" about? The first thing that sprang to mind was Twilight vampires...

I was playing as a half-orc, and my friend from Tennessee decided to play a super racist elf ranger. He had a pretty thick southern accent normally, but he exaggerated it even further when speaking for his character.

So we're all sitting around on the floor, and eventually this occurs.

"Now, elves are up he-ah,"
>raises his hand over his head
"An' humans are down HE-ah,"
>puts his hand on the ground
"An' for orcs, well, Ah'd have to dig a hole."

We later simultaneously killed each other semi-accidentally.

Fighting a greater radiance elemental. Imagine a giant, angry disco ball that shoots solid beams of light. It was a fun fight.

Ha! That does sound like fun.

>"I cannot strangle something that breathes through its abdomen!"
>"Fair."

>turns 360 degrees and walks away

>I cast glitterdust
>I cast dancing lights
>Fairie fire!
>He will be, the shiniest Ninja.

>player 1: okay, I jump into the cargo, what's in it?
>me: *checks note* looks like that box was full of-
>player 2: dicks!
>me: yep, the box was one big bag of dicks. Do you want to take any other actions?
>player 1: I start throwing the dicks at the guard
>me: we'll call that ranged light, damage 1 crit 5. Roll for it
>*player 1 rolls a crit*
>*guard dies*
>me:...I am not describing that

>"Are you the missing dwarf?"

Asked one of the players to the kidnapped dwarf we rescued

>I'm lawful good, not lawful perfect.

I can't recall if I heard that somewhere or if I came up with it.

>"I know that I just beat an evil eight year old unconscious, but why the fuck did you kill those hungry bandits?"

>"Not gonna lie, despite the fact you're literally an angel, you're kinda a dick."

>"What god do I follow? Me, of course."

>"Wait, is that what I think it is?"

>Beholder eye beams an NPC killing them instantly

>"Eyup. Beholder, I'll be back. I need to clean my trousers."

>"Glad I wore my brown trousers today"

>"Defrauding the state by claiming that you're married and taking out an insurance policy and faking their death isn't unethical! We'd make a killing!"

>"Have you ever thought about how we just let people into our party after one of our dies? Is that insensitive, or is it necessary for us to detach ourselves so we can save the world instead of being depressed?"

>"Not gonna lie, even though she's a succubus, I'd still take her maidenhead."

>"That poison actually smells delicious. Suspiciously delicious..."

>Tennessee Elves with southern accents
Never have I needed something so badly until I received it.
More, please.

"My name isn't Cendriose! It's Cendrio!"

-The Sorcerer, to the city guard, shortly before being arrested and executed for three counts of murder.
It should be noted, the sorcerer rolled a nat 20 and could have walked away, but he kept pushing his luck until he literally confessed to the crime.

Attached: 1509035348200.jpg (540x540, 63K)

>In an all out fight, most of the party badly wounded and so is the big demon boss
>Playing a full plate elven pally
>Big boss was charging a huge aoe spell, not heavy hitting but enough to kill some of not all of us
>When i made my character we do some random unique stuff for our characters and i rolled a 100
>Made it that I can cast any paladin spell at lvl 9 but I die using it, the rolls are automatically maxed and my DM called it 'God's Light'
>When i said I cast God's Light, the party was confused because we never told them about it, but the DM looked at my and said are you sure.
>I sad yes, group still confused
>I cast an aoe cure serious wounds, but the DM said it was called 'cure god like wounds' (it cured everything, even old presting wounds and scars, barb hated me for that)

> Me:A light so bright emitted from the holes of my full plate armor, a light so warm to your touch it almost feels like true heaven's embrace.
> DM: You turn to witness your brother in arms Rolin, it him who was producing such warmth and the light grew ever brighter until to was too much. The demon roars in pain as the light washes over him.
> Me: "Shine until there's nothing left but you my friends!"
> DM: A huge force hits you all and any pain you were in now vanished. After a moment past your eyes come to and see that the Demon is burnt to a crisp. You also see Rolin in the middle of the room on his back. You all rush over to congratulate him his amazing display of magic, but no response. One of you decided to remove his helmet and only see a black burnt face of your former comrade. It looks like Rolin has given his own life to save you all and defeat the Demon.

It was an emotional moment for us all, I was the first PC to die in this campaign that been going on for over a year and a half. Ever since that day our paty warcry has been "Shine until there's nothing left but you".

Attached: then perish.png (960x1270, 497K)

'I tell him I'm gonna cut something out of him every hour. And that if he'll spill the beans.'
DM: alright, roll intimidate.
'I'm not trying to intimidate him. I'm gonna cut something out of him every hour. It's up to him to spill it.'

>This place is pure
>Your blood wont change that

Not a lot of quotes that stood out to me, but this one made me sweat under the collar a bit

Attached: tumblr_p39tncVsd81vjxp5ao1_1280.jpg (1230x1920, 212K)

>'Beheading is a King's execution. Witches get fire.'
-Inquisitor of Abadar seconds away from throwing a staked vampire noble on one of her own landmines.

Attached: ROLL20_PROXIES.png (622x1213, 257K)

You sound like a nigger.

From last session:
"I'm not a sorcerer; I've only ever dealt with one daemon, and I paid him in cash!"

So our last campaign had to be cut short because of end of year shenanigans, people moving away, that kind of stuff. Therefore, our final session started out with the entire party getting rocksfall'd, and ending up in a spirit realm where Death offers one of us the chance to reincarnate if we fight to the last person standing. Basically, we did Battle Royale as our finale.

We're spread out across an area. The first attack roll happens as the Ranger of the group spots me in the distance and fires an arrow, which easily misses due to me having the heaviest armour in the group.

My character looks down at where the arrow bounced off the full plate. Looks back up at the Ranger.

"Just so you know, you started this."

Joke's on me, though, 'cause I got gibbed by overstatted natural hazards (fucking hunter sharks at level 5, I'm still mad!), and he ended up being the final winner.

Friend of mine. She was always getting into trouble, but one type of abomination was attacking another one, and she steps in after they warm us to flee. Then says, IN CHARACTER, "Don't worry, I'm the hero! I'll be fine!"

My character held a grudge for the rest of the campaign until she got knocked up with a wolf god's child and left.

>"What have you done?"
"I protected your boats, as I was hired to do."
>"You've ruined my insurance scam!"
"To be fair, you probably should have told me about that, instead of ordering me to do the exact opposite of what you wanted."
>"What am I going to do now..."
"You should probably start by paying me. I honoured my end of the contract after all."
>"How am I supposed to pay you if you sabotaged the thing that was going to make me the money!"
"I'll take the boat then, you obviously didn't want it anyway."
And now the party has a boat.

Abridged to avoid wall of text.

>she got knocked up with a wolf god's child
Your campaign sounds interesting, user.

Attached: 1402798403531.png (275x281, 56K)

>"I wanted to ask- what I really I wanted to ask was... can I come with you? I- I wanted to go too."

From the psion to the fighter shortly after the fighter had passed away from old age. Our campaigns are not terribly lighthearted most of the time. Though they met again later, she just didn't think it was possible.

Attached: tired.jpg (736x1137, 100K)

>So, X, what are you doing
>"My arrows can go through stone right ?"
>... yeah ?
>"I shoot at the Golem's stone sword"
Motherfucker critted twice and broke the sword in half before the golem could hit the knight with it
good times

Attached: Base_Heroes_Text.png (1200x780, 79K)

Betting five bucks it was an erp game

>You're gonna wish that killed me.
My southern accented big burly ranger has a catchphrase for whenever something big and mean gets in his face and hits him hard. Variation includes pointing to his forehead at an archer and saying "The next one better hit right here"
Super hype moment in the campaign was dealing with an assassin who studied us. Crit hit my character then as I was gonna say the line, he said "I'm gonna wish that killed you" at the same time.

It was not. Her character went upstairs in the tavern we were in, and the focus switched to the rest of us for the rest of the night, prepping for the next day.

She was striking a deal with him, her character was TERRIFIED of undead (we were playing characters with realistic flaws), and that wolf god was also in charge of undead. By laying with him once, she wouldn't be bothered by them any more.

>be playing naruto campaign
>PC is fighting a boss character
>enemy is low, but PC is at like 10% HP
>uses the rest of his chakara to use use a wind release jutsu to slice several trees down and kill the guy
>squad leader: close, but not perfect.

(OOC)
"I'd like to help you, but unfortunately my character is kind of a dick."

my favourite line from my int 7 rogue assassin in 5e
npc:"here are the three names of the men who need to face justice"
me:"by justice, you mean death right"
npc:"yes, i mean death"
me: "oh good, justice i struggle, with but death i can do"

>YOU HIT MY GIRLFRIEND'S SISTER WITH YOUR CAR TO SAVE HER?!

>Like, a blood mage with a bag of hamsters and a pocket knife is the same as a guy with a suitcase nuke.

>I wish to handspring into somersault onto the deck of the Grenada. Off the troll. So tell me how tall she is, because I'm gonna shave a few meters off my jump with that.

>Butt chug the magical fluffy anti-fire sperm?

>They are all just masturbating. I'll tell you what to for five nuyen and some corn chips from the Stuffer Shack.

>It's like fighting against a professional dancer, and then fighting against Michael J. Fox with chainsaws for hands while both of you are stuck in a concrete mixer.

>I'm not masturbating to my character's strength, I was aaasked.

>A scope? On that thing? What for? So you can fire from far enough away to not get Jew blood on your uniform when you perform executions?

>Basically racist grandma is REEE-frog in a shawl with a lot of wrinkles and a knock-off luger.

>I should have bought better nazi gear. Like arsenic tablets.
>For yourself?
>I mean... I'll share.

Attached: Army Crimes.jpg (500x700, 57K)

They backed out of that smoothly enough now.

what the hell kinda game were you runnin, boy?

And why is that, exactly?