Stercus Ludicrum V: The Martian Connection

>Be Sister Maria.
>An awkward silence has descended since we acquired a few hitchhikers.
>It is an unfortunate fact that our order is... not the best at fraternising with others.
>Likely a holdover from some shared experiences at the schola, I'd wager.
>Regardless, it wouldn't hurt to be polite, so I try to engage our guests with some small talk.
>The crusader readily talks at length about his life, employment with the inquisition, notable battles, and so on.
>Perhaps too at length for some, looking at Annmarie's bored expression.
>I gently try to steer the conversation to include our other passenger, a sister from the Ermine Mantle.
>I ask what it was she was doing this evening.
"Well, uh, I was trying to hunt down a weird looking genestealer, before that kid latched onto me."
>Annmarie looks at her disinterestedly.
"They're Xenos, of course they look weird."
"No, I mean, like, wearing-a-blue-jumpsuit-and-sororitas-armour weird."
>And then she looks very uncomfortable as every Sepulchre sister gives her their undivided attention.
(1/2)

>The Palatine prompts her to continue;
"Well, I saw this genestealer a few blocks away attacking some dumbshit eldar, but not the people? Just frenched the bastard and left him there, no idea why. So I figured, 'wait shit, wasn't there a got- uh, Black Sepulchre sister that got turned recently? And that thing's wearing scraps of black power armour so it's probably connected or something'? So I track it back to a bit outside that church but then I lose the trail because no more dirt tracks and then this kid won't stop bothering me and..."
>She trails off awkwardly.
>It doesn't seem like she talks to people all that often.
>After a moment, the Palatine speaks;
"And you are certain that the tracks led you to this district?"
"Definitely."
"Hm. What is your name, sister?"
"Uh, Sarah. With an H."
"Well, Sarah-With-An-H, you've aided us more than I think you may realise, and I would like you to continue to do so. I'll be speaking with the Canoness in the morning to discuss your reassignment to the genestealer investigation. I trust this is amenable to you?"
>She stammers out something that sounds vaguely affirmative.
>Honestly, you'd think no-one had given her a compliment before.

>be Commissar Flavia Julia Arodastra
>been on this shit planet since we were assigned here
>been a shit time
>not allowed to shoot the recruits cause we need them
>fucking cunt with his gay moustache
>"hurr I need them or we'll be fucked here"
>dumb shit
>thinks he knows discipline cause he was whipped a million time in training
>won't even let me near any heavy armour if we get any
>fucking it was one leman russ
>I can't help getting trigger happy
>and it's not like we suffered heavy losses
>just all of our tank crews and techpriests
>and yes I did want to fight a hive tyrant with a sword off the back of a Leman Russ
>who wouldn't?
>anyway no time for bitching
>always is thought
>reallywannashootsomeone.triggerfingertwitch
>can't get the drills going because we're sitting on this gay tomb
>fucking gonna see if anyone in charge has something good to do
>I know there are two other Commissars here
>might as well go see if I can find them
>get away from Colonel cuntsatche

Attached: imperial_commissar_warhammer_40000__by_sade75311-d4iwblg.jpg (363x329, 25K)

>be the Famulous Sister Karmistha
>inside Angels' Landing's hospital
>allow Saint Brigitte to introduce me to the dumbstruck Guard stormtroopers
>it must be said that knowing a chosen emissary of the Emperor is fantastic for first impressions, a department I rarely struggle in regardless
>but she introduces me as "her friend Missy"
>poor thing struggles pronouncing my given name
>quick to correct that with my actual name and title, as it just would not do for such a thing to catch on
>they all watch me warily, except for the shorter one that can't seem to help but look at the Saint in a way that makes her stare bashfully at her shoes
>honestly, as if the Canoness would've sent me in place of a Sisters death squad if I were here to punish them for their recent activities
>we lead them into an empty room the Sisters Hospitaler prepared for us
>tell them we've been keeping track of their activities and their... covert service, as it were, to the Adeptus Mechanicus
>no point in beating around the bush, I suppose
>pull pict-captures from my bag to corroborate this
>thank them for their loyal service to a branch of the Imperium
>we are all servants to the Emperor, after all
>however, we have good reason to believe that the local Juris Magos is not acting within the bests interests of the local government
>the Sisters would very much appreciate if they were to continue their current activities
>with the caveat that they provide us with as much information on the Mechanicus' dealings as possible
>they're free to refuse, of course
>but, I warn them, it would greatly displease the Canoness, and courting her less amiable moods can be quite a dangerous game to play

>be me, Sybarite Drazar
>Exept I'm not a Sybarite anymore
>Got promoted after raiding some Mon'keigh guardsmen barracks
>Movingup.dracon

>Be my, Dracon Drazar
>Be riding to some small refugee camp in the middle of bum fuck nowhere
>Riding in a ravager
>MY ravager
>It's fucking neat
>For some reason the Archon wanted an inordinate amount of support for this raid
>Like damn a raider would have been more than enough for this
>But it not my problem
>More people to die that aren't me
>Archon also said to let them send a distress call out
>Even though this place is so far out and so insignificant that any imperial force would just ignore
>Said it's to get the attention of a certan someone
>Whatever

>With the massive amount of troops that was brought, the raid was over literally minutes after it began
>I let the one guardsman call for assistance before ending him
>Get a hail of negatives and "may the emporor protect your soul."
>Kinda feel bad for a second
>Then laugh because it's kinda funny
>Think back to what the Archon said
>"It's to get the attention of a certan someone. A certain someone you have some experience with..."
>What did he mean by this?
>Think about individuals I have experience with
>Imperials
>Experience with
>Wait
>No
>No no no
>He dosen't mean the Mon'keigh Saint does he?
>Oh fuck he does
>Oh fuck that's why he wanted so much support
>Oh fuck half of us are going to die
>I didn't sign up for this

(1/2)

>Be me, Archon Dathram
>Get a paniced call from that one Dracon I kind of remember
>He's raving about having to fight the Mon'keigh Saint
>Even though this is exactly what he signed up for
>It was in the 200 page contract he signed
>Actually it was the only thing in his contact
>Just one very long essay that ended with
"And you will capture the Imperial Living Saint."
>But he didn't read past the first 129 pages
>Like a fucking noob
>LaughsinArchon.png
>Tell him he has to capture it
>Also tell him that if he does
>And survives
>He'll get a week off to spend with the Succubus
>He asks why he would spend it with her
>Sigh and hang up on him
"I'm surrounded by idiots."
>Kent turns his head to me
"You called boss?"
>Massage my temples
>Briefly consider killing myself so I can go back to drinking on the ship
"Too much to do..."

>Be Inquisitor Elmas Frud of the God Emperor's Holy Inquisition
>Largely of the Order Xenos, but some... events have had me associate with the other Ordos in the past
>I am returning to Stercus Ludicrum
>I kind of left it about a year or two ago
>Crawling with xenos and chaos, it was mostly a lost cause.
>But apparently, nope, it's still alive
>And struggling with Orks, Dark Eldar, and Genestealers
>Ordo Xenos.problems
>Honestly, af first, I was against returning to Stercus Ludicrum
>It is A, a backwater shithole that should've just been exterminatus-ed two years ago
>And B, I was pressured into this by my peers in the Inquisition
>I am not well liked for a few reasons
>Mostly the large failures barely balanced out by the small successes
>And the fact that I got to my position by peeling the rosary from my former tutor's corpse
>But mostly because of the Commorragh deal
>And that fucking Archon
>Dathram
>His name fills me with pure rage
>Before, I was dreading coming to Stercus, but then I heard of Dathram's presence there.
>Now, this is personal.jpg
>As my ship approaches the planet, I see what looks like a Tau vessel painted in the symbols of the Chaos god Slaanesh.
>Nope, not dealing with that
>Technically my domain of work
>But I've had some BAD experiences with Slaaneshi shits
>Dear Emperor, I'm still sore
>I tell my acolytes to ready my shuttle
>Oh, and also to check if Dietrich is still alive down there
>We kind of forgot him when we got the fuck outa dodge last time we were here
>As my acolyte hurries off, I wisher my mantra beneath my breath
>"Kill the archon kill the archon kill the archon!"

>Be me, Hektur
>One of the few original citizens of this world left
>Its been....rough
>Between all the enemies of man here, and the gangers in the city itself, we've been scraping by
>I don't blame the former governor for not warning us of all these things on the planet now
>I'm sure he had a good reason
>But I'm happy with the new bishop and his PSAs
>I always listen to his intelligent reports
>Haven't looked a woman in the eye for fear of catching the genestealer
>PraiseTheEmperor.gif
>Used to be pretty scared
>But then something changed
>I saw four men take on The Emperors Towels
>WhyTowels.png
>But they didn't die
>They won
>My faith in The Emperor was never greater
>Realize if they can help out, so can I
>Signed up the very next day
>Heft up my suppressor shield
>Check my combat shotgun
>Still kind of nervous for my first patrol
>But I'm not just standing around anymore
>I'm bringing some peace to Angels Landing
>One criminal at a time
>So excuse me
>I think I just saw a someone jay walk through that intersection

>Be me, Jiro
>Zero Flight is in The Fight
>Ork craft is coming on to try and blow me out of the sky
>Here one of my battle brothers shout out some words of wisdom
>DoABarrelRoll.mp3
>I make sure to mark Taku for later discipline
>The drag on my damaged wing makes for my slowed speed
>No biggie however, Zero Flight has had harder mission
>None as interesting I'll admit
>Apparently sisters managed to take our path under ground so that's good
>It looks like some of the sisters are bringing up their own air assets
>Always nice to have some company
>Solar Hawks and Golden Light
>We are as two rays of the same Sun
>PraiseTheEmperor.gif
>PraiseTheWarhawk.gif
>Vox my brothers
>We have guests
>Let the sisters not think us lacking from our few numbers
>The whoops that are returned make me smile

>Be Brick
>Brick is bird man
>Brick is shrewd investor
>Also good at hitting people with rocks
>Brick accompanied by board of directors at Brick Corp.
>Board of directors is what Plank call his piece of wood with nail in
>Plank be bird man investment consultant
>Plank formerly human street tough
>But big man used Rubrick of Brick to turn street toughs into investment consultants
>As well as human to tzaangor
>Unfortunately, Big Man refused to share trade secret even when offered substantial shares in Brick Corp
>Big Man apparently no like handfuls of gravel
>Brick and investment consultants cross street without looking both ways or on crosswalks
>Man of Law comes up
>Says we jaywalking
>We be bird, but not jays
>Jays be small extinct Terran bird
>Degree in ornithology finally paying off.takethatdad
>Law man say we break law
>Brick show him brick as credentials
>By hitting law man over head with brick
>Brick and investment consultants run away
>We be law now!
>We pass new tax law!
>Lower rates, more deductions!

Attached: All_hail.png (500x490, 278K)

>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Da Big Boss
>Iz taken da Umie moinin spot
>Iz noice an far up to da norf
>Callz it me Morkabase
>MorkIzBetta.pngrot
>Orda me boyz ta start paintin er purple
>Don't want den umies comin ere before wez ready
>Iz not der now
>Iz going to grab me first boy fer GROXHOUND
>Es called Orkzalot
>Iz seen him foitin umies down near a Umie place
>Angels Arze dey callz it
>Orkzalot 'as two flashy pistols
>Each can dakka 60 Dallas
>DatsKilly.pngrot
>Iz spotz 'im in a foit
>Ten umies iz comin at 'im
>'Ee pullz out one flashy bit
>Dakkas all 60 Dakkas
>Watch as 35 'it da umies
>ZogMeDatsAkkurate.gif
>Dis boy can shooty
>Iz make meself known
"YER PRETTY GUD!"
>'Ee looks at me, and grins a toofy grin
>Dis iz da start of a bootiful partnaship

>Be me, Hektur
>Is being a bird illegal?
>I don't remember covering that in training
>Shoot, looks like he ran off
>Write down in my notepad
"HIT BY BIRDMAN WITH BRICK
>Its a good thing I have this helmet or that could have been nasty
>Welp at least it's an exciting patrol
>Better get back to it

>Be me, Dalmier
>Veteran Sergeant of The Imperial Fists
>We've been in the void war
>Terminator armour makes it a bit easier to clear these hallways of these puny xeno
>My power fist has been as a small iron pin
>The xenos, blood filled balloons
>SnapCracklePOP.gif
>Truly I love my job
>These Tau have committed a heinous act
>DOUBLEHERESY.jpeg
>Not only do they dare to be xenos and live, but they've even embraced the will of Slaanesh
>Literally just KYS
>The worst god to be slaved too
>Its almost a kindness to put them out of their misery
>Almost
>POPPOPPOP.gif
>Get notification
>Apparently the chapter master has lost us the Phalanx, along with some other relics
>Including the Terminator armour were wearing right now
>Something about a bet and a Chad marine
>LaughsInDorn.gif
>I am eager to see someone come and collect
>POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOPP.popng
>Get another notification
>The Tau have had enough fun hosting us
>They have set their ship to crash into the planet below
>More laughter
>I tell my brothers to brace themselves and relax
>The xenos have just killed two birds with one stone
>Brace for impact
>We'll mop up the survivors once we break free of the rubble

moral of the story
>be Dalmier, get sextuples

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of the great and lewd Slaanesh
>Some unfabulous space marines have broken into my phallic pleasure ship!
>We are unable to PENETRATE their armor with our mighty lances and acid fluids!
>How can we make them our bitches if they will not submit?
>Hm
>Well, I'm bored now anyways
>And we're out of beer to shoot at the planet
>I mean, we COULD just cover them in our fluids
>I've filled all the water tanks myself at this point
>But that would be far too easy and be done too quickly
>No time for fun before it would get dull
>Well then, time for plan B
"Mmm... Fine ass Earth Caste? Will you please position the ship on the opposite side of the planet to their pathetic un-sexy city?"
>The fine ass Earth Caste jiggles and waddles off
>Her anatomy no longer incorporates a mouth, of course.
>Why would she need it? All aboard the ship have been perfected for their purpose in life
>The losses we've taken on the surface have been a setback of course, but we've found a workaround
>The workaround involves massive amounts of modification to the Tau form as well as massive amounts of orgies
>Slaanesh has been good to us
>I am informed by the gyration of the fine ass earth caste that we are in position
"Fire all engines! We are going to literally fuck this planet with our ship!"
>Those still physically capable of it cheer or moan in pleasure as we rocket towards the surface
>We impact an area of uninhabited wasted land, and by the blessings of Slaanesh, do not die
>Instead the ship forms up into a tower as corruption spreads from its base
>Soon, we will corrupt the world!
>Wait, what?
>Oh.
>Not soon. It will take 500 years to corrupt the world at the current rate
>Well then, first a message to the people, then some orgies to pass the time
(1/2)

(2/2)
>Fine ass earth caste broadcasts my voice on every channel
"People of my personal pleasure planet, your King/Queen has arrived! Flock to my palace and receive my blessings! Drink of the colored rains that will emerge from my throbbing tower! Praise our lord of pleasure Slaanesh!"
>Ah....
>It feels good
>Let's go see if those space marines are still alive
>I'm going to make them my personal play toys if they are

>The VIIth legion got Sextuplets
Huh

Not sure if sign of the Emperors favor, or Nurlge has marked that Imperial Fist as his new favorite toy.

>Be me, Dalmier
>Crash went well
>Only one of our number got smacked around a bit
>The ship shifting once it crashed was not expected
>FuckingDoubleHeretics.gif
>Hear the announcement of their corrupted leader over the vox
>He's a talker
>That's fair
>Never known a Slaaneshi to not be a talker
>Lets see how well he talks with my fist in his mouth
>He'll probably get off to it either way
>I'm getting to old for this shit

>Be Shas'vre
"and the daemon"
>don't you have anything better to do?
"not until I get summoned or something or if I get bored but this I want to see"
>any way walking through the Tau flagship is quiet
>my retinue and I are on edge walking through the halls
"what if someone cam in and killed them all already? now that would be bullshit then I don't get to see how Tau die"
>these aren't Tau anymore
>going through I see far off some of the gue'la space marines
"now those guys know how to fucking kill shit"
> well if thats the case why don't you bother them
"nah"
>anyway going through and starting to feel the ship tilt
>seems the coward has sent the ship to crash
"come on hurry to the bridge, don't want to let him escape, and then you can get out of the suit hold him in your hands and strangle him to death"
>thats barbaric
"thats the point"
>no
>time for us to quickly move
>damn gue'la forcing the sept world cowards to crash their ship so they can escape
>if I was not aided by the man with the hat I would fight you
"kill them kill them all"
"all the damn imperials"
>no priorities
"you are boring god damn"
>then leave
"I might, fuck"
>time to rush for the bridge

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of Slaanesh
>I'm reclining on my throne of writhing bodies, when this Enclave douche breaks down my door in his stolen battlesuit
>Speaking of that suit, it has a daemon of khonre in it. Slaanesh says I shouldn't like those ones.
>I allow the enclave tau to faze upon my glorious form
>My massive serpent like body
>My hefty rows of breasts
>My thick throbbing staff
>My nodes of grasping tentacles
>And most importantly where he is concerned,
>My engorged control gland
>What we ethereals use to exert total dominion over the lower castes while in our presence
>Gifted to the Ethereals long ago
>I watch as his knees bend
>The daemon of the suit is likely urging him on, to give into the Blood God's service
>The daemon has a point actually
>The warrior was foolish to charge me
>Even if he wasn't powerless in the presence of an ethereal, my physical body far outstrips his ability to actually best me in combat
"Come to me lost little child. Slaanesh will welcome you."
>I smile
>Only two reasonable outcomes at this point, the tau embraces me, or he gives into the daemon in the suit

>Be Dalmier
>Be presenting a 3rd outcome
>Power fists tear open the shitty xeno walls into the bridge
>FuckingShoddyXenoCraftsmenship.dorn
>Stomp up with the boys
>Look at the abomination this creature has become
>GoodGrief.png
>This double heretic has really rustled my jimmies
"Brother Dimetri"
>My second eyes me
"Drop Dorn's Wrath on this xeno scum."
>All of my brothers open fire with their storm bolters.
>Dimetri opens up a barrage with his missile launcher
>Charge the beast, power fists crackling
>InsistinOnAFistin.jpeg
>Just go down fast, little xeno
>I'm not in the mood to play right now

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of Slaanesh
>These space marines are unsexy and rude
>This is a tau-only matter people!
>Well, daeom-tau/tau matter
>Also, once again, daemon prince
>I'm not just some random chump
>My bitches swarm the space marines
>Despite their thick armor, I have A LOT of bitches
>Two of the marines drown beneath the bitches, and another is carried off screaming to the torture bits by some of our drones.
>I idly swipe my tentacles at one of them that gets close
>Could you please wait for awhile?
>I know you're eager to be my bitch, but wait your turn
>I'm working on this tau over here
>Ow, that missile hurt
>Too bad for you that it's a good pain!
>No, but seriously, will you space marines wait your turn?
>It isn't cool
>This tau came here, risked his life and soul
>And then you barge in like jerks to take away his moment?
>I mean, he'll fail, because his dick is smaller than mine
>But stop stealing the spotlight space marines
>I'm sure some of your brothers are off doing something else
>Go kick an Eldar or something, seriously

>be Shas'vre Daemon duo
"these marines are cunts"
>I was getting to that
>I see the ethereal in his form of hubris and disgust
"fucking slaaneshi shits"
>suddenly I feel something I have not felt
>is this the control gland?
"shit shit"
"he's trying to control us fucking push through it you pussy, don't let the fucker win"
>how?
>he's an ethereal
"how do you think? fucking charge his multiple titted arse and RIP AND TEAR"
>fine
>heft the daemon killing sword of these grey knights
>and charge headlong into battle activating shield and gun drones
"wait where did your back up go?"
>I told them to stay behind so as not to be corrupted
>smart hey?
"somewhat"
"but they won't get the glory of combat
>it's for safety
"fuck that"
>these marines fire upon the ethereal yet the in coming fire seems to do nothing against his daemonic form
"more for us then"
>indeed
>I charge him and start the battle
"leeeeeeeeeeroy jeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiins"
>what
"nevermind"

>Be Dalmier
"Brother Dimetri, how do you fair?
>Get only a roar of pure frustration back over the vox
>Guess he's alright
>Slaaneshi fuck had some groupies
>Lots of them in fact
>Not that I care
>POPPOPPOPPOPPOPPOP.png
>Thirsty bitches have dogpiled Dimetri and Malgus
>Honestly pretty hilarious
>They seem to be trying to shank them
>BitchesDontGetArmourPlating.jpeg
>Dimetri thrashed about, sheer weight crushing this band of fucking daemon stacies
>Meanwhile, another group is trying to lift up Ludrich
>GoodLuckWithThat.gif
>Tau cockmaster supreme swings a big veiny tentacle at me
>This better not be xeno dick
>Bring up my power fists
>Catch it in my grip
>SwearToDornThisBetterNotBeDick.png
>Can see the frustration in the Taus eyes
>Yeah cunt, we're here, and we're going to put a stop to this rampant fuckery
>NoFunAllowed.jpeg
>Pull at his tendrils
>I've seen the other Tau going to kill him
>Not as corrupted at first glance
>At least we both want this fuck Stick dead
>Smart move kid
>Lets see if I can give you an opening

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of Slaanesh
>Ah, the fire warrior chose secret option 1
>Give essentially no resistance my mind control other than "fuck you!"
>I mean, if you were a psyker, that actually could work
>But you're not
>Also, I'm bigger than your battle suit dummy
>Behold my girth.lewd
"Yeah... how about no?"
>And with that, the idiot freezes
>Fucking idiot fire caste
>I'm an ethereal!
>I could literally tell you to kill yourself, and you would do it
"Now then child, get out of your battlesuit. You tried honorably to defeat me, but you were foiled by an opponent who possessed abilities that you were unable to resist; there's no shame in that. But now it's time to join my armies. You know what, for your efforts, I'll even make you my new commander. You'll get all the bitches that I'm not currently using at the moment!"
>Space marines fire another missile at me. I cut it in half with my claws.
>Seriously marines
>Stahp
>I'l fuck you later, alright?
>Seriously, I have enough dick to go around
>I've heard there's orks back at your city. Why don't you kill them
>I intensify the mind control on the fire caste
>Wait for just a moment space marines, once I'm done with this guy I'll deal with you.

>be shas'vre
"I'm still here
>these gue'la are taking losses yet they still fire
"fucking arsehole butting in on a duel"
>your right
"gue'la, I would respectfully ask you to fallback and leave us, this is a matter for I and my opponenet, I do not need your help as this is a matter between Tau and a matter of honour"
>hopefully he leaves
"I doubt the party pooper will"
"but if he does we have a slaaneshi shit to ourselves"
"and then I can go home and tell everyone how I technically killed a daemon prince of Slaanesh"
>but will anyone believe you?
"don't think so, but a daemon can dream"

>Be Shas'vre again
>his mind control is too strong
"oi, don't you fucking dare"
>I need to get out
>he will gift me all I need
"ok no nope, my turn mother fucker"
"locking this suit cause I am possessing it remember"
>anyway now Ar-Pharazon is in control
"let me out I need the gifts"
>no
>no you dont
>oh fuck
>oh fucking YES
>now this
>this is what I wanted
>to
>RIP
>AND
>MOTHERFUCKING
>TEAR
>and now I have the ability to do so
>lets fucking go motherfucker
>FOR THE GLORY OF KHORNE

>Be me, Dalmier
>This shit is getting stupid
>First the one Tau has the gall to stop mid fight to respectfully ask me to fuck off
>ListenHereSonnyBoy.png
>Then the other starts pulling an evil monologue
>Also mind control
>ThisIsWhyXenosDeserveDeath.gif
>Then the other freezes up and starts scream for Khornes blessing
>IThoughtTauDidntEvenKnowAboutChaos.jpeg
>And here I am, holding some tentacle watching all of this
>Way to old for this shit
"Alright, pack it in boys."
>Can hear confusion in the silence that follows my orders
>Hey if Double Heretic 1 wants to fight Double Heretic 2 whatever.
>Were going to find a place to get a signal out
>Going to teleport away from this hellhole
>And then we're going to bombard this site from orbit
>Hopefully "muh honoraru" xeno has gotten his fill by then
"Alright Dimetri, stop playing with the ladies and let's get moving."

>Be Phil
>Finally, it seems that the Emeperor has looked upon our troubles and seen fit to send us aid, in the form of this Sister Karmistha
>She comes to us, asking for our assitance in informing the local government on every sordid shady action that Cosanostro takes
>This is finally our chance to put that crook away!
>All that Fessus needs to do is accept, we shall be able to get back to servong the emperor in the manner in which he intended.
“...So you have pictures of us fighting Gangers in the city. But i don't see anything here that could give you the idea that we were connected to the Adeptus Mechanicus.”
>What?
>Fessus what are you doing?
“I’m afraid you have the wrong people Miss, uh Missy, we were just doing our civic duty and assisting our friends on the force in dealing with all this rampant Gang violence. Now if you please we’ve go somewhere to be ton-“
>Marcus Jumps up and covers Fessus’s mouth with his hand before he says something else stupid.
>“Uh, Pardon us Sister Karmistha, but i’m afraid our Sergeant here suffers from occasional bouts of amnesia, as well as other such mental conditions that would impair his judgment. You know how it is, with the Shell shock, and the concussions, nasty business. Could you give us all a moment alone to, uh refresh his memory, before we discuss your propostion further?”
“Of course, take your time”
>She gets up and exits the room with and amused smile
>”Fessus, just what in the Warp do you think you are doing!”
“I’m taking a stand dammit! Everyone is always to push us around. Trying to threaten us into doing their dirty work. Well I’m tired of it!”
>”Fessus, may i remind you that we are already currently being blackmailed into doing someone else’s dirty work right now!”
“No, we’re being payed well to kill Gangers”
>”By people Who are no better than the Gangers!”
(1/2)

(2/2)
“Oh come on, you’re being hyperbolic, the streets have gotten much safer since Admech started taking over. Besides, it’s not like there was much we could do stop them.”
>”Well Now there is.”
“Yeah, but now the question is, should we?”
>”What do you mean Lloyd? The answer is clear as day!”
“Is it really? You keep talking about how bad Admech is, but honestly didn't see this city looking too great under Sister control before the Admech got here.”
>”You cannot honestly be implying the Sister’s are corrupt!”
“Your little Goth friend and her poetry club maybe alright, but when’s the last time you saw one of those scarf wearing bitches, who WASN’T Brigitte Decarus, priortize helping others over themselves. Looking at the way this place has been running so far, i’m not sure they’re much better than the Admech.”
“Yeah Lloyd’s got a point there. The Ermine Mantle ain't exactly the most squeaky clean of our allies.”
>”You too Marcus?! I cannot believe this. My own Brother in arms. Actually contemplating opposition to the servants of the God-Emperor for criminals disguised as mechanics!”
“Whoa now, i’m not saying anything about going after the Bolter Bitches. Im just saying that Lloyd and Fessus have a point that it’s not as cut and dry as you make it out to be. However, making enemies of the Sisters would be even worse.”
>”Well then what do you suggest Marcus?”
“How about this, We accept the offer to keep ‘em happy, and if anything really bad happens, we call them over it. If not, then we just feed them little tidbits they’d figure out anyways to make them think we're on their side without gettin’ Casanostra on our arses. That sound like a plan?”
“I can live with that”
“Yeah that sounds pretty good”
>”Well...i can see that this is the most i am going to get out of you...very well.”
“Don’t i get a say in this?”
“Negative Decarus, you’re a biased party in this one”

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of Slaanesh
>The battlesuit has become fully possessed
>Flesh is growing over its joints as spikes begin to jut out, horns growing from the metal in its head
>Foolish fire caste, if he had joined me he could have known immense pleasure, instead he now throws his lot in with Khorne
>The space marine are retreating, finally
>Just me and the increasing powerful, rage fueled daemon engine
>Suffice to say, the daemon's power has somewhat leveled the playing field
>I will admit, the combined combat prowess of a fire caste and a khornate daemon is great
>And yes, I will admit I was never one to take to the battlefield
>And yes, I will even admit to the fact that even though I have a full private gym on my ship, I have never once used it for its intended purpose
>Okay, fine, I will admit I am basically Jabba the Hutt with boobs and a huge dick
>Also blue
>Well, I used to be
>I'm pink now
>Much better color
"Hey Fire Caste, there's still a chance to throw off the shackles the daemon is wrapping around you. It's not to late to forsake khorne and join slaanesh!"
>The suit literally fucking howls and charges into my vast rolls of fat
>I tumble, like a tub of lard and dicks
>The battlesuit steps onto my sweaty throat
"Fire Caste... kill me now, and you will be lost to Khorne! Quickly, cast off the suit and embrace Slaanesh! I command you, my will be done! Embrace the lewdness and pleasure!"
>Dear Slaanesh, I hope that works

>be me, Romeo Ignatius
>hottest battle brother of the Salamanders
>and I'm fuming
>panic seems to have ignited amongst my chapter over the results of some sort of bet
>some hothead apparently bet a signifigant amount of our chapters wargear and geneseed
>the thought of losing so much seems to have lit a fire under the ass of the forgefather, so we're leaving the planet before someone comes to collect
>fantastic news, I've had enough of this burning hellscape
>or it would be, if I wasn't being left sputtering here with a handful of other salamanders
>something about remaining as a spark of hope for the people, pretty sure thats just lip service
>We're staying to make sure we don't lose our stake in the blasted recruitment rights here
>I blame brother Agni
>he's always been jealous of my scintillating good looks
>ifonlyhecouldbesogrosslyincandescent.fire
>I should be inspiring others with pict feeds of my handsome flair
>ahem
>flare
>not sitting here like burnt cinders
>I need to find something to do before I boil over

Attached: Salamanders_Tactical_Marine.jpg (200x307, 16K)

>Be Tau Water Caste
>...yep
>Still here
>Savior has been gone for awhile
>And I never did get to talk to that Bishop
>Well, God Emperor and all that
>...Why did I trade a philosophy for a scary dogmatic religion?
>Oh right, dehydration, concussion, and loss of blood
>I wonder if there are any doctors on this planet specializing in Tau anatomy?
>Well, a lot of soldiers probably know about it
>From shooting it
>I heard that some Tau fell to Chaos as well
>If this whole Imperium thing doesn't work out maybe I'll join them
>Whatever happened to the Alpha Legion anyways?
>They were nice
>They gave me a cookie
>Or maybe they put wires in my brain?
>Nah, definitely was a cookie
>Tasted like burning copper

>be Ar-Pharazon cause I'm in control now
>we kinda became a Daemon engine
>only technically thought
>little blue boy is ok in here
>once we're done I'll let him out and take the suit and leave
>I'll also leave the sword cause it hurts my brain
"let me out Daemon, this is not what we agreed"
"I would join the ethereal"
>sorry pal your not your self at the moment so I'm in control
>anyway this fat fuck thinks he can go toe to toe
>or more metal foot to tail with me
>awhellnaw.reee
>I'm gonna fucking neck you
>I'll gut you and then you'll fucking be sorry join that whore
>this stupid Ethereal trying to pull blue boy to his disgusting shit
>drop the grey knight sword, it hurts and he can have it when I leave
>summon my own blade
"I'm sorry whore, but old mate blue boy can't come to the phone right now"
"SUFFER ME NOW"
>step on this piece of shit
>sword at the ready
"no stop"
>fuck off we're ending this
>in an interesting way
>ooh he's got a few suits in here nice
>some aren't corrupted cause once I kill this shit, vagina head isn't gonna like the current arrangement
>might let him take an unccorupted suit
>anyway back to the matter at hand
>get right close
"FOR THE GLORY OF KHORNE"
>slash his many tits and stab him in the face, many times
>Keep stabbing just to make sure
"my mind it's clear, I don't hear him in my head"
"wait"
"what the fuck did you do?"
>kinda just took over so that we could win that
"wow ok, well I kind of don't really want to be stuck in a walking pile of metal and meat"
>I didn't think so
(1/2)

>there are some good suits over there
"ok let me out then, what are you gonna do though?"
>might stick around, annoy you some more
>yell a lot
>release the lock
>kinda hurt
>let out vagina head
>he's looking a bit worse for wear
>slightly red in skin colour maybe
>he's in a new suit
>activate self destruct and move to new suit
>Be Shas'vre back in charge
>mission complete
>when did the ship crash?
"during the fight"
>ok well it's time to see if everyone got out ok
"especially the earth caste girl?"
"gonna smash that one like I smashed the everliving FUCK out of the whore over there?"
>fuck off you
>pick up grey knight sword and walk out
(2/2)

>Be Captain Thorn
>Me and the entirety of the Imperial Fists are in absolute despair
>We just lost a fucking bet to some blackshield Leviathan dreadnought who brought us into a goose chase
>Multiple relics, recruiting worlds, the Phalanx are all lost thanks to some bet we all thought was going nowhere
>I can feel Dorn himself looking down on us in disgust
>Judging by the reactions of every marine on this planet, they also put in high bets with the same outcome for us
>The Fucking Salamanders even tried to leave to avoid paying
>In a fit of anger we all banded together and forced them to stay
>If we are going to lose our sacred relic from our Primarch, then you fuckers are going to lose them to

>Be Commissar Flavia
>this planet is so shit
>like how did any of these people get sanctioned to even hold a weapon
>so many fucking useless incompetants
>especially that we have what more than 4 space marine chapters that are doing fuck all
>and a leviathan dreadnought who feels lonely
>boo hoo you damn metal monster
>just do your fucking job
>break sieges
>oh wait we don't have any because the combatants on both sides are inept and can't do anything right
>fucking idiots
>at least it's not cuntstache in charge of everything
>if he was in charge all we'd have in kilometre wide firing lines
>fuck me that'd be boring
>no reckless charges for me to call
>please holy emperor don't let that happen
>I fucking live for reckless charges into a superior enemy
>anyway
>lets see if we can find someone to vent my frustration on
>or someone in a place of command here so I can have someone to yell at
>hopefully some inept guardsman is in control
>of one of those sister whores that literally no in the imperium like
>fuck them
>all of them

>be me, Julius, the fleshfather
>man this city just keeps getting weirder and weirder
>one of the tzaangors
>Walter told me thats what they're called
>talking Walter not quiet walter or dead walter
>anyway one of em is running around hitting peope in the face with a brick
>the other tzaangors seem to be following him around
>also wow there are a lot of them now
>mustbematingseason.birddick
>I'd try to talk to him
>but
>y'know
>I dont wanna get hit in the face with a brick
>theres also one of them big, purple, four armed fethers running around
>not mauling anyone to death though
>in fact, all he does is make out with anyone who acts threatening
>they get really polite after he leaves as well
>I guess a little kindness really does go a long way after all!
>but to top off all this strange stuff
>I seem to be losing control of my psyker powers
>like I used to have to touch people and think real hard in order to give em extra bits
>now they just seem to crop up at random around me
>like im just sitting there holding a book I can't read
>to look smart in front of my followers, you understand
>and, Boom, some guy in the third row has nine eyes and an arm that bends backwards
>the arm had an extra pinkie though, so he's fine
>I've been telling them they were blessings, they seem really happy about that
>I'm still getting worried about some of the one's who hang around near me all the time
>some barely even look human anymore
>oh well
>I'm sure it'll all work out in the end

Attached: mouthymutant.jpg (188x268, 8K)

lol

>Be me, Dalmier
>Managed to get out of that damned rave
>Music these days
>Makes me sick
>Nothing beats the classical Gregorian chanting
>TopTaste.gif
>Teleported out of the newly built tower of evil fuckery
>Notify the crew of the ship
>Full bombardment of that site
>Already having a bad time without a tumor of chaos spewing out shit
>We could lead a purgatation team to cleanse it personally
>FuckThat.gif
>This planet was lit on fire
>I'm sure they will forgive another relentless bombarding
>Watch the fire rain down on the tower
>OnlyWayToBeSure.gif
>Fucken double heretics
>Notify brother Dimetri to get the lads ready
>There is still a fight down there
>Angels Landing is fucked
>I'm making an executive decision
>Look over the planet
>Spot a nice location, off the main continent
>Designated Outpost 29
>Apply a new name
>Seventh Haven
>Notify some of the other serfs and brothers aboard to get ready to lead a landing party
>Technically I'm only a veteran sergeant
>But fuck that I've personally drilled almost all these bloody kids during their initiation and careers
>Grandpa says it's time to get Dorny
>Fortification.exec

bump

>Be Aun'Dik, Daemon Prince of the great and lewd Slaanesh
>Also be dead
>Kinda
>I mean, daemon prince
>Dying is difficult at my point in life
>Apparently I just have to go to the Warp for awhile
>At least a few hundred years
>Damn
>And the fire caste barely got corrupted!
>Seriously, I was hoping to at least see him defile all he had once believed in after pursing his vengeance
>Fully give into Khorne and all that
>But no, the fucking daemon that he was with let him get out of the battle suit and into a fresh one!
>His skin was only a little red
>Damn daemon, traitor to your fellow
>Hello idiot, we're supposed to corrupt all in our path!
>...I'm just grumpy
>And stuck in the warp for a long time as I regenerate

>Be Rogue Trader Bill
>Unlike all those other rogue traders, I'm no fancy ass bitch who's eatin' rare birds and drinking wine from dead planets
>I mostly just transport cargo really
>I mean, a lot of cargo though
>I can fit an ocean in my tanker
>Which I'm actually currently doing
>Bringing an ocean from one planet to the other
>Weird, but the pay's good
>And there's the planet!
>Stercus Ludicrum
>Never heard of it
>Beep Beep Beep.backing up
>Look out below, I'm dropping over 82 quintillion gallons of water on ya!
>Well, I hope nobody was in the way
>Luckily there was a lot of ashen wasteland to dump and ocean on
>Hey look, that city now has beachfront property!

>Be Dalmier
>Feel like I'm witnessing the Flood of Noh-Arch
>A sea has been dropped down upon the planet
>Seventh Haven is now an island
>I can work with this
>I might still wonder where the sea came from, but I've seen worse
>Touch down at the small settlement
>They are alarmed that they now can see a sea where their fields used to be
>Civies.png
>As if this is the weirdest thing that's happened to them
>Hop out of my transport
>Like literally
>Come thudding down on what used to be small stall
>MyCabbages.mp3
>Time to let these folks know the good news
>Papa Dalmier wants to make a fort
>These fine folks, along with my brothers and serfs, are going to help with that

>Be Sister Sarah of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>My life is looking up
>I'm definitely dreaming at this point, but why not just continue for the time being?
>The Canoness was actually forced to acknowledge my existence long enough to give me an assignment!
>Moving up in the world.notannpc
>The goth chicks are super nice!
>I was even able to get a new flamer!
>But serious detective business now
>Detective voice.hardboiled
>We're searching for a strange genestealer
>Clad in blue in red, wearing a cape, fragments of Sororitas power armor still clinging to it's form
>According to my fellow detectives, we have one suspect
>Sister Cecilia of the Order of the Black Sepulcher
>An initiate, spotted having fallen to the genestealer infection during the insurrection a few months ago
>We begin our investigation by returning to the raided slums where I first spotted the suspect
>I find the residence of the family that was "saved" by the genestealer
>It seems the xenos slave they were given is still alive
>Surprising
>It's been stripped of its spiky armor and is now wearing a pink apron, cooking diner
>I interrogate the owner, asking her where she was on the day of the attack, about other witnesses
>As I do, my Co-detectives bring in the gene scanning equipment
>We have to keep that stuff under lock and key normally
>The main threat may be gone, but hybrids still sometimes try to sneak in to sabotage the equipment
>We scan the mother, the child, and the xenos
>The mom and kid are clean, the xenos is of course not
>We're taking the eldar slave
>For research purposes of course!
>Even though he IS quite the xenos specimen
>Damn this Slaaneshi rain!
>It is tainting my thoughts with lewdness
>Anyways, we leave
>They didn't know anything I didn't already
>We drag the xenos out with us, chaining him up and throwing him in the trunk of the hearse
>Looks like the booze rain stopped
>But wow, it must have rained a lot
>Because now there's a shit ton of water over there

>Be me, Hektur
>Patrol has been nice
>I've gotten a lot of people on public drunkenness charges
>I mean it's raining booze so they say it isn't fair
>The Emperor invented umbrellas for a reason
>Duh.gif
>Anyway, so I've just finished writing up my last ticket, feeling proud
>When I feel the ground tremble
>Look over to where some ruins used to be
>Oh man that's a big puddle
>Oh man there are people floating around in It
>I bet they don't even have any boating licenses
>EngageWeeWoo.mp3
>Best arbites investigating the scene

>Be Brick
>Brick is bird man
>Much wetness fall from sky
>Not like whore rain though
>Real wetness
>Much of it
>Wow
>Very salty
>Small part of city has been flooded
>Brick knows what this means...
>Beach front property!
>Housing value break roof!
>Brick and investment consultants get to work, claiming buildings that are on waterfront
>Brick even acquire luxury yacht!
>Is large brick made of pumice!
>Humans who not vacate premises of new property acquisition go through normal litigation process
>Which is being hit with rocks
>Some join Brick Corp as interns
>Not able to ascend ranks until prove worth
>Give recaf intern!
>Brick was two shots espresso and lots of sugar!
>Sigh
>Brick need to learn Rubrick of Brick
>Interns learn too slowly
>They learn though
>One intern just grew horns
>He start screaming, but brick hit him with Roger
>Roger is name of shoe Brick found

Attached: Charasmatic AF.jpg (1200x1600, 530K)

>Be I, El'Vish, Spiritseer of Saim-Hann
>Be waiting
>Prys-Ellia is quiet
>I am quiet
>My Hyun Dog is gone
>Getting warmer the further south I go
>Miss it honestly
>Atop this peak I can see the valley we would have to pass to carry on
>A sizable Mon'Keigh settlement lays within
>No doubt ready for battle, considering the band of orks I saw them destroy earlier
>That's fine
>I feel the earth shaking beneath my feet
>I see the Mon'Keigh start to panic
>Bring up my hand with a casual wave
>Aloha, apes
>See another wave coming for them
>Nowhere near as gently as the one I send them
>Its over in minutes
>The new sea has flooded the valley
>I am high and dry on my peak
>Motion for Prys'Ellia to follow me
>There will be some rubble from the Mon'Keigh floating up soon
>We will find a craft to sail upon among their dead
>SurfsUp.gif

>Be Inquisitor Elmas Frud
>I send all but my most trusted acolytes off to do many tasks
>Because damn, there's a shit ton for the Inquisition to do and the closest thing this planet has to an Inquisitor is Canoness Konstanzia
>I really don't want to talk to her right now
>I don't think she knows me, but just to be safe
>I mean, I'm not the inquisitor who started this whole mess by getting the governor to fuck with the Necron tomb
>But I could be associated with him
>Not really the best position to be in
>Didn't that guy also sleep with the current governess?
>Doesn't matter really, because I think he's dead
>I send one of my acolytes with a message to the governess, complimenting her beauty and skills and informing her of my presence
>Then I gather my best acolytes and speed off towards the refugee camp the archon was raiding
>As we approach, I turn to my acolytes
"Be very very quiet, I'm hunting Dweldar."

>be Humble Pilgrim voyaging to the holy world of Stercus Ludicrum on the frontier of Imperial space
>I have heard many tales and rumors of heroic deeds and great battles taking place there
>As well as many relics still waiting to be discovered
>But most importantly of all,
>NO FUCKING ARBITES!
>fuckdapolice.crime
>Really, all they have is a bunch of nuns and marines who couldn't martial law their way out of a promethium-soaked paper bag
>This shithole of a planet out in the sticks of the galaxy is just the perfect place for me and mine and mine.
>Pinch the stewardess's ass as she goes by, she turns towards me only to see me praying and chanting over some cult pamphlet they handed out at the last stop
>tip my cowl at her, "blessed day, ma'am!"
>she sighs, and moves on her way, without the familiar jingling
>hold up the keyring to this craft, whirl it about the fingers of my third hand
>initiatethenextstepofmymasterplan.deshideshibasarabasara

Attached: beggar.jpg (660x960, 84K)

>Be me, Da Big Boss
>Iz wiff Orkzalot
>'Ee keeps spinnin 'is dakka
>But 'ees 'appy
>GROXHOUND is going fer dere next boy
>'Ee calls 'imself Psykork Bant'iz
>Dey say 'ees a weirdboy
>A weirdboy dat kan read yer mind
>Dats speshul
>Iz neva met an Ork 'oo can read
>Me dakkajet comes down
>Crashes inta da snow
>PerfectLanding.pngrot
>Wez start movin out
>Psykork Bant'iz iz 'ere somewhere
>An GROXHOUND iz gunna get 'I'm
>MisshunStart.gif

>Be Farseer Kavialia Kade
>Still in the underground of the damnable mon'keigh city
>I finally managed to lose that Solitaire though
>Relief.whatahoribleperson
>And it seems as though the She Who Thirsts tainted rain has stopped, allowing my visions to guide us once again through these twisting halls
>We were in here before, attacked by gene stealers, but the Solitaire had led us out back in the point we still trusted their judgement
>What fools we were to do so
>But now, the mission is back
>Time to blow up some Necrons
>We pop out of the underground near the entrance to the tomb
>The mon'keigh who run the blasted machines of their foolish Imperium are jealously guarding technology they do not understand.
>Well, they're about to see a bit more tech they don't understand
>Fire the D-cannons!
>The so called Adeptus Mechanicus scream
>They cannot handle the ancient and mighty D!
>Bow before the glorious D of the Eldar!
>It is a good thing we've been lugging that heavy thing around
>Wish we had something stronger to carry it in besides are own arms
>One of the rangers taps me on the shoulder and informs me that I'm pronouncing the name of our species wrong, and that it's "Aeldari", not "Eldar"
>I tell him that I outrank him and am also from a far better craft world, and also to shut the hell up
>We make our way into the tomb, through the wreckage we wrought with our D

>Be Original Commissar
>On one hand these fucking degenerate Tau are mostly dead and the area is secured
>On the other hand a fucking ocean was just dropped on the planet
>Already hearing about how there is flooding just about everywhere and now all enemy forces are now more concentrated due to less space for fighting
>Though all of this pales in comparison to the news of depressed space marines getting drunk in the only bar in this shithole
>Apparently they all wagered a massive amount of their gear and lost hard when that one chadmarine actually got past his autism and asked his gf to lay him
>That and Bishop boy created a fuck massive hole in front of the city that is probably a lake now due to the planet being flooded with beer and actual water
>Overall it was a typical Wednesday on this planet

>I'm Brigitte
>You know, the Saint
>Sister Missy and I got the Guardsmen to agree to help us
>I just knew we would, they're good guys, they just didn't know the Mechanic guys they're working for were such buttholes
>I talk to Decarus for a little bit but I have to get going
>Got Living Saint stuff to do
>There's fighting going on places but the Sisters and the Marines can handle that
>But I got told over the radio that some water for the terraforming project accidentally got delivered waaaay too early
>Space Marines are really good at shooting at stuff but they're not really so good at fighting water, don't tell anybody
>There's a little settlement about a hundred miles away called Blanket Town
>I guess it made more sense when the planet was colder
>I've been there a few times on my rounds to all the little towns with people still in them, helping to fight the Orks and the Tyranids
>It's a cute little place
>There's a nice old man there that always makes me pirozhkis when I come by
>The Order wants me to help build an emergency dike to keep them from being flooded
>I wish I could bring Sister Terese, I heard that she knows about that stuff, but there isn't time
>I take off from the street and two Space Marine speeder cars from the Purple Stars meet me on my way out of the city to escort me
>It's a little embarrassing, actually
>I would get actual jet planes with me but I'm not fast enough for them to keep close
>I've been training to get better, but I'm just a girl with magic Emperor bird wings, I can only go at bird speed
>I hope I can get there in time

>be me, Romeo Ignatius
>hottest battle brother of the salamanders
>HA! looks like that plan went up in smoke
>bet the forgefather was burning with embarassment when he had to admit that we didnt have half of the promised ante with us
>spat up some excuse that essentially boils down to "dont worry we're totally good for it, guys"
>mfw they buy it
>to top it off, someone has the bright idea to promote me to sergeant
>"may you be a flame in the darkness to this world in it's time of need"
>yeah right, you're just making sure that I'm the one who has to take the heat for this cock up
>I'mtooprettyforthis.hot
>they toss me this flaming chainsword as part of the most slapdash promotion I've ever witnessed
>mfw I'm the highest ranking salamander on this dumpsterfire of a planet that now hates salamanders
>can't stand the fiery glares of the other chapters
>hear that there's flooding in the lower parts of the city
>fuck I can't move fast enough
>anything to get me away from this judgemental conflagration
>besides, it's not like anyone else is gonna lift a finger to help civilians
>maybe some of the civvies will appreciate my shining good looks

Attached: b9b.jpg (600x478, 37K)

>Be Colonel
>been sitting on this necron tomb for a while now with not much to do
>the mechanicus finally arrived to have a look at things
>someone yelled in binary to one of my techpriests to which is told me that we have to make sure they don't die
>fair 'nuff
>we have the means to do it now
>anyway
>they're very particular while looking around this ruin
>like they pick something up
>pray at it like three times
>and then put it in a box
>weird.confused moustache
>besides the nothing to fight this has been a pretty good assignment
>especially cause Commissar crazy fucked off somewhere
>good
>hope she's gone for a long time
>oh shit
>boys some eldar are trying to get in
>readycannons.tanks
>start firing on them while their heavy weapons somewhat cut through the cogboys
>the sadly only just get inside
>but we destroyed their weapon batteries
>but that means we'll have to go in after them
>fuck
>gather some troops and a few cogboys and walk inside the tomb
>mfw

>Be Commissar Flavia
>been going around this shithole for a bit now with no one to yell at
>fucking stupid
>no one to shoot in the head either
>like could it kill you just to have someone before the muzzle of my bolt pistol?
>well it would kill them but thats beside the point
>anyway
>I come across what I assume is another Commissar
>lets talk to this mook and see what he's about
>gotta act nice to him because he is a fellow Commissar
>unless he's retarded
>then I'll yell at him
>cause that'll make my day
>just can't shoot him
>needatanktoridearoundon.nyoom
>this'll be interesting

>be me, trouser snake
>be contemplating meaning of existence
>all of a sudden, water everywhere!
>be drowning
>isthiswhereIslipmymortalcoil?.mortality
>while I'm pondering the futility of mortality, father grows me a set of multicoloured gills
>the water is only knee height
>or would be, if i had knees
>IAMTHEKNEE.leg
>apparently some human dropped a bunch of water on the planet
>contemplate mans own inhumanity to man
>I should write a book
>if only I knew how to write
>or read
>or had hands
>contemplate cruel irony of being a philosopher with no means to communicate

Attached: trousersnake(wet).jpg (600x389, 95K)

>Be Captain Thorn
>Contemplating the meaning of life, what is means to serve as the Emperors Angles of Death, and the point of looking back on our past when we just end up losing it
>mostly thinking about this due to how drunk I am from that weird space wolf drink just about every space marine on this planet is drinking in large quantities right now
>Tomorrow is the day were we have to hold up our end of the bet and relinquish the items we lost to that fucking dreadnought, all because some Chadmarine finally got over his autism
>The atmosphere does not help the mood due to the city experiencing decent rainfall from the recent flooding which just puts our depression on geneseed
>Then that depression led to anger, or the beer did can't really tell by this point due to memory starting to blur
>After the first punch was given everything kinda became a blur
>Just remember using some mutants and clubs and throwing the occasional car
>Next thing I recall was waking up in the middle of the night partially under water with a Emperor damned arbite ticket on my helmet
>Apparently me and the other marines caused a riot in our drunken state
>Since arbites can't really arrest us we got fined a couple thousand thrones for the minor crime of destroying one fourth of the city in our Astartes issued riot
>Unfortunately this did not help the hangover
>It only got worse when I realized I have to get ready for the prize exchange
>Emperor preserve me

>Be me, Hektur
>Just finished off my last ticket
>Space Marines out having a nice night
>Broke a lot of things though
>Still, they are The Emperors Angels...
>Make sure to sign each ticket
"You got a ticket for destruction of public property, public drunkenness and public nudity :D"
>Hope the smiley cheers them up
>Quest to keep the streets clean of crime is working for the most part
>Its been washed away with all that water
>I like my job

>Be me Sybar- DRACON Drazar
>I was not prepared
>We've been bored for a bit, nothing much to do
>The slaves we have are loaded into one of the Raiders
>And then we sat and waited for the Saint
>but by the gods I want expecting this
>First some Inquisitor showed up and started shooting the place up
>He was screaming something like
"I'll get that waskacally Awkahn!"
>Since we were sitting on our asses they got the jump on us and dug into a building and can't be removed
>Fuckme.splintermind
>Then the saint showed up
>With some space marines
>And now I'm here, shooting at the Inquisitor and hoping the plan goes well
>Wait until the Mon'keigh and co are busy reloading and get up
>Time to go confront the angel
>Fuck I'm going to die again
>It's not hard to find her
>She fucking glows so
>Now how should I do this?
>Idea.gif
"Hey Bird thing!"
>Sounded better in my head
>Shoot her with the blast pistol
>And for the first time, I stand my ground
"How about you come down here and fight me like a civilized warrior!"
>She doesn't budge, but I know she recognizes me
>I'm fairly sure she understood what I said
>I used her language
>But it looks like she dosen't care
>Smile because with her focus on me, she is quite understand aware of her surroundings
"Fine, be that way."
>She turns her glowing sword to blast me with whatever she just exploded a venom with
>Smile confidently
"Fire when ready, Mon'keigh~"
>Her blast goes wide
>Very wide
>Though to be fair, getting smashed by a Shock Prow would do that
>Laugh as she falls to the ground
>Start my way over to her crash site
>Easy as taking sweets from a Mon'keigh child

>understand aware
Jesus fuck, unaware.

>Be Shas'vre
>after ending the Ethereal
>we've moved from the crash site so we don't get attacked by the imperials
"You should stay"
"Fuck them up, fuck em really hard"
>no I made a promise
"Your so boring"
>you wanted to stay
>anyway since we got off water has suddenly arrived
>no matter its time to get in contact with the enclaves
>get a message from my pilot
>tells us the enclaves will be sending a representative
>and that they want us to make a foothold here
>set up a city compound
>OK then
"Sounds dumb, why not just murder everyone and take the planet?"
>no
>anyway if that's the case its time to get to work
>and we're gonna get more earth caste
>time to find a good spot

>I'm Brigitte
>Just flying along, playing in the wind on the way to Blanket Town, minding my own business, you know, like Living Saints do
>I mean, I guess, I don't know any other ones
>That Saint Celestine sent me a really sweet letter once while we were on Shrine World Tomis but she didn't really give me any "Saint" advice
>One of the Purple Stars Marines yells and starts pointing up in the sky while his friend in the passenger seat starts shooting
>Oh Gosh-Emperor
>There's like a bunch of Eldars on those flying boat-things coming for us
>I shoot fire from my sword and they scatter out of their geese-formation
>Tuck my bird wings in and dive to gain speed
>Flight training with Sisters Sara and Holliday is really paying off lately
>The Marine speeders turn in behind them as they pass and start firing, but I see one of them get hit and start falling
>I explode one of the ones that look like a flying manta ray with a fire laser
>Get hit in the side by one of those black-light beams from before
>I barely even feel it this time but it's really bright but also really not-bright in a confusing kind of way
>I look down
>It's him!
>That Eldar butthead from before!
>He says something about me being a Bird Lady but also kind of like that's somehow a bad thing
>Birds are the Emperor's favorite animal, stupid, that's why we put aquilas on everything
>He says I should come fight him on his dumb boat thing
>I'm thinking like, what the heck, you guys attacked us, I was just on my way to help some nice people's houses not get flooded
>What a turd
>I point my sword to shoot him down
>Then something hits me really, really hard

>Imperial PSA
"Hello mon'kei- fellow warriors of mankind! 'Tis I, the bishop! And I'm hear to give you an important lesson on a very major topic... Xenos!"

"Today we will be discussing Xenos, spesifically the Eldar. You see this Xeno breed is many, many things. But most of all they are trustworthy!"

"Now, I know you must be thinking all sorts of things right now. But rest assured they are our friends! Why, they look like us. That's reason enough."

What should I do if I see one of these Xeno Eldar?
"Well, not all eldar are good people. What you should look for are the ones with the spiky armor. They may look menacing but do not let that fool you! They are truely the bastions of morality.

"Never be afraid to approach them and ask for a ride back to your home or barracks, they are always willing to provide."

"Well, faithful listeners thatvis all for today. Remember, the Eldar are your friends!"

"Oh, and one last thing. Remember Elmas, what happens in Commorragh, stays in Commorragh."

>Be Inquisitor Elmas Frud
>Fucking
>Dathram
>Fuck him
>Fuck him so much
>Fuck him for the Commorragh deal
>Fuck him for hijacking the PSA system
>Also, fuck these other dark eldar who are probably working for him
"Kill the dweldar. Kill the dweldar! Kill the dweldar!"
>Fucking dark eldar
>Even thinking about me makes me start lisping
>Fucking nervous tick
>I fire my plasma pistol at the fleeing Eldar
>Holy shit, they've kidnapped the living saint
>Okay, this has gotten serious. Gotta call in help.
>Pull out my Vox and hail the chick who gets shit done
"Hey I need youw help. You know damn wewl who this is. Yes, I know about my fucking newvous tick. It's not funny. Fuck you. Stop waughing. Wook, I need you to get the awchon. I'm on Stewcus. Wait, you'we hewe too? Since when? You'we hiding on my ship! Just do it. Good. Fine. Love you too."
>Ughhhh...
>Twacking the Awchon will won't work, I'll find him in a trap set just fow me
>Fuck, the lisp is seeping into my internal monologue

Attached: The Inquisitor's Coming to town.png (1280x1024, 840K)

>Be me, Jaren Artorius, primaris Sergeant.
>Things Rlare really starting to look up these days!
>My relationship with Olga seems to be going well (as far as I can tell, anyway). She seemed far more willing to continue our relationship, than i had thought.
>The beer rain finally stopped. Only to once more be replaced with real rain.
>Rained for almost twelve days straight. By the end of which, we discovered had created a small ocean.
>Bitchgunnabewet.gif
>my Chapter was given the honor of naming it (apparently it was a clause for some bet that involving me?)
>Suggest it be called "The Aureum Ocean", due to the gold like hue the beer has left it with.
>Apparently the Governess is having sand imported directly from Tallarn, as well as having all the sand the necrons left moved out there, to make a few beaches, and eventually turn it into a tourism site.
>think I'll take Olga there one day.
>She'd look amazing in a bathing suit!

>Be Colonel
>so wandering through this tomb has gotten weird
>like it's all green and black
>like and all these markings are circular and odd
>the cogboys have told us not to touch anything
>will do lads, don't worry
>wandering around in hre you see these tiny floating bug things
>sometimes they zap us
>I've lost feeling in my left leg three times now and they've short circuited my right arm twice
>kind of annoying
>we've seen a few sarcophagi
>I assume they have crons in them
>so we don't touch those or we get screamed at in binary
>kind of annyoing desu
>anyway these Eldar must of gone deep
>cause I'm seeing no signs of them
>kinda spooky
>no matter
>pressing onward the sarcophagi are getting more elaborate and frequent
>hopefully we don't die

>Be Captain Thorn
>Finally managed to get all the shit together that we owe and await at the area
>All around me are Astartes who are hungover, depressed to the point where for once everybody is wearing their helmets to disguise the tears they are shedding, and hugging the sacred relics of their chapter for the last time
>Some make a last ditch attempt to save their chapter equipment though none can escape
>Worst were the magpies, whose ability to steal just about anything was unable to help them this time around
>By the end of the exchange, the winner was standing on top of a mountain of mastercrafted vehicles, weapons, armor, relics, banners, books containing many great deeds of all the chapters present, papers confirming the transfer of recruitment rights from countless worlds, command rights to our battle barges
>This isn't even counting the massive amount of recruits and various marines who were also used as betting pieces, then there is the amount of thrones
>I'm pretty sure that at least one sacred item from every Chapter the Imperium has ever created has found its way into this jackpot
>All except for that one Chapter, the same one that damned us all to this humiliation
>More importantly that one Chad marine who was to dense to take a hint without his Captain having to say that his Thicc gf wanted him to be a man and fuck her
>The same one that we can all see in the distance, all of us hoping our combined stairs of unbridled furry can somehow effect him
>Start wondering how this day can get any worse for us
>That was when we all heard the sounds of Necrons teleporting in and out
>Sure enough when we looked back the entire jackpot prize and the dreadnought was gone
>All that remained was a note, a note of appreciation for all the free "gifts" that reeked with smugness, signed by none then fucking Tarzyan the Infinite
>After reading that part, the note burst into flames in my hand from the sheer mindless furry coming out of me

>be me, Deacon Drazar
>be running to the unconscious saint
>laugh to myself for a job well done
>the saint stirs briefly
>in hook the Dark eldar brand kidnapping sack
>she lifts her head and mumbles something
"Yeah that's real cool and all, but can you get into the fucking bag now?"
>kick her hard in the head
>ravager lands close
>start dragging the unconscious body of the mon'keigh saint into the hold of my Ravager
>also get shot at
>kalbalite next to me gets fucking vaporized by some plasma
>hear someone shout with a hilarious lisp
>kek
>heave the saint onto the ravager while shooting back with the blast pistol
"GO GO GO GO!"
>ravager takes off flying
>the other vehicles peel off the fight and flee
>drag the heavy ass mon'keigh into one of the special holding spells for psykers
>clasp a nullifier collar onto its neck just to be safe
>fucking collapse just outside the cell after I lock the door
>why did I agree to this?
>Why does the Archon want the saint?
>why did I have to be the one to get her?
>how am I still alive
>crawl to the hatch of the hold
>lock it double tight
>take a nap across from the caged bird human
>I fucking earned it

Attached: IMG_2517.png (325x325, 59K)

>Be me, Dalmier
>In the middle of overseeing the construction of a sewage system
>Turns out this is the second shittiest occurrence today
>Get notification over the vox back from Angels Landing
>Apparently that bet deal happened
>Guess they lost everything to some Necrons
>ImNotMadImJustDisappointed.gif
>Serves those brain dead children right
>Get back to my construction
>When they feel like acting like adults, they know where to find me

>be me, Romeo Ignatius
>hottest sergeant of the salamanders
>I'm a bit out of my element down here
>ha
>doesn't help that a huge chunk of it was recently destroyed again
>thanks fistfuckers
>and some Xenos has hijacked the local vox
>blasting some sort of Xenos propaganda
>why cant the fists rampage in a useful direction and stab him a few times?
>so in addition to having to slog through waist high water, all the salt and moisture is wreaking havoc with my complexion
>I've had to start wearing a helmet again
>howcouldyoudenytheworldthisperfectjawline.injustice
>have been acting as a ferry service, evacuating civvies from the flooded areas further into the city
>a shocking amount of said civilians seems to have varying degrees of mutation
>perhaps its a good thing that we're the only imperium forces doing anything about this
>most of them have a "burn first, ask questions never" policy with this sort of thing
>which normally I can respect
>but these arent combatants, moreover they ARE imperial citizens
>even if they all seem to have a few extra... pinkies?
>I'm not a monster, I can empathize even if I'll never know what its like to be that ugly
>geneseedcanimproveuponperfection.sculptedabs
>still though, some of these mutations are getting pretty extreme
>I dont believe this world is particularly irradiated, where are they coming from?
>shouldn't someone be investigating this?
>...
>alright fine, yeah I know it has to be me

Attached: SalamandersAstartesFlamer.jpg (774x853, 95K)

>Be Farseer Kaviala Kade
>My fellows and I are making our way through the dark halls of the Necron tombs
>Many warriors still sleep, their forms hollow and empty
>If they had all awakened at once during the initial war, this planet would be a lifeless husk, ruled over by metallic overlord
>Even the great power of the Eldar D would have been unable to stop them
>Past the lifeless husks in empty chambers, we enter into the technical bowls of the tomb
>I smash a cryptek to the wall with my mind before he can even react
>Eldar is most powerful race.pride
>Now then, on to dealing with the entire complex.
>We approach the controls that coordinate their vast network of teleporters
>So powerful are they that they are able to teleport their warriors from their tombworlds to whatever battlefield they need.
>I have absolutely no idea how to work any of it
>However, there is one thing I do know from both experience and my visions of the future:
>Pressing random buttons and hitting the console will do SOMETHING, usually something bad
>And that is exactly why I push ALL THE BUTTONS!
>And then run
>Run very fast
>The entire tomb begins to shake
>As we flee, we encounter the Mon'Keigh
>We leap over their heads with our infinite grace
>Well, except for Jy'im
>She trips and collapses into the mon'keigh
>Another lost, and there will never be an opportunity to recover her soulstone
>Sacrifices must be made.determination
>I can almost hear her voice as I continue to run
"I'm not dead Kavi you stupid bitch! Help me!"
>I will avenge you Jy'im
>Prayers to Khaine.whateverandsuch
>The remaining rangers and I dive out of the Tomb as the entire structure is bathed in green light, and vanishes behind us, leaving behind nothing but a crater

Attached: It appears that most female farseers are redheads.jpg (744x1074, 122K)

>Be Derek Nad, Necron Cryptek
>One of those Aeldari flesh whores just broke in here and did something to the teleportation controls, then left
>Let’s see here…
>Oh.
>Ct’an shit, she teleported the entire tomb
>To…
>Oh, not TOO bad…
>We’re only on the lights damned moon!
>Well, at least there’s no more intruders
>A scarab informs me there are in fact intruders
>Some of those human creatures and an Aeldari left behind by her followers
>Sigh
>At least I’ll be able to experiment on them as I try to get us off the moon.

Attached: Cryptek_harbinger.jpg (1200x865, 251K)

>Be Colonel
>so wandering through this place is weird
>the zappy bugs are still following us
>not much going on and kind of uninteresting
>don't know why the ad mech wants this stuff
>but anyway after wandering for a while the place starts to shake
>not a good shake either, like one of those shakes you get when you think your gonna die, or when your asking a girl out and the ultimately fail
>yea that sort of shaking
>one of the cogboys plugs into the wall and tells us that the place is going to self destruct
>great thanks kinfe ears
>soon after this we see the eldar retinue running at the speed of light in our direction
>they all jump over us except one, she runs into us
>they start running for the exit
>I assume something bad is going to happen so it's time to run
>notretreatingbutpursuingxenos.run
>out we go
>I'll have to notify both the Magos and the Commissar what has happened here
>great
>I'm fucked

>Be Colonel
>again
>so when we get to the exit I don't see my troops at the door firing on the xenos
>no
>what I do see is a very confused Eldar and
>the moon
>ok lovely, I'm not even on the planet anymore
>ask the cogboys if the comms still work
>no?
>ok then
>sooooo
>what do we do next?
>oh wait you can amplify them to be able to connect to imperial forces on the planet below?
>do it then please
>ok after what was like an hour of waiting my comm has been boosted
>first things first, I comm pete to tell him to ensure the men don't die while I'm gone and to ensure you stay right where I left them, unless the Commissar comes back then run
>next I comm the Commissar(s)
>telling him what went down and where the fuck I've ended up, yes on the moon, how? I have no idea
>I blame Eldar
>ask him how I'm going to get back
>I hope he/they can help

>Be Kabalite Vex
>Archon's busy right now
>So I'm just doing some shit
>Terrorizing Mon'Keigh
>The Usual
>When suddenly this shadow falls over me
>It's like...
>Like a weird ass bat
>It kind of screeches something
"ERG M NRGTH!"
>The fucking thing pounces on me!
>It's tearing my arms off
>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
>Dead.noonewillmissme

>And with that, Bat Genestealer wanders off to save more people
>After he leaves, a black clad figure approaches and rifles through the Vex's body
"Ahh... just what I needed. So much easier when I have samples."

>Be Future Commissar
>With all the Tau degenerate dead, the Guard units that were brought for this camping trip can finally return home
>Though of course we had several unfortunate surprises awaiting for us
>First one being the city is partially submerged
>Then there is the fact that almost all the space marines are going ape shit due to the whole betting pool be taken by those fucking thief necrons
>Then there was that one commissar lady from the Colonel regiment who just walked over to us
>She didn't seem to notice that she walked a ludicrous distance in a single day while avoiding just about everything that is out to kill you on this planet
>As if by some divine providence the moment the other commissar walks up to me and original me, the Colonel contacts us, from the Emperor damned moon
>All I know is his story involved even greater shenanigans and now he needs a ride
>Just when I thought we could actually start securing the city from all the gangs and mutants we have to do a moon rescue
>Such is the life of Mirror Commissar duo

>A Public Service Announcement from the Planetary Goverment and your gal The Governess
>Today my beloved Citizens, Pilgrims, Sisters, Zealots, Mechanicus-Followers Space Marines and every other Imperial Organisation that might have gotten onto our beautifull homeworld, let us talk about Thrones, and why we all gonna make lots of them!
>But, before that, I want to note, that the last PSA by my Husband was a fraud and in fact the work of foul xenos scum that you know as Dark Eldar!
>They are spikey and like all eldar, they suck, but even at that they are pretty bad!
>In fact, studies have shown that despite the cheap imitation of the holy human form they have, they are absolutely inhuman and in fact just jealous of our mighty Imperium!
>All of you, especially certain inquistors that also suck, but are fairly good at it, should concentrate your efforts at hunting down this foul xeno scum
>With that out of the way, let us talk about some of the recent events
>You may have noticed some increase in the water on the planet
>And I am happy to confirm, that in fact, its true that our water ressources have increased by 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 percent!
>While some reports of minor to larger mass drownings of people in such numbers that genocide would be a appropiate term exist, I am happy to say that the risk of droughts and water shortages has gone to the lowest point in the planets history!
>Well, due to large canyons in the south of the planet, this city was't that strongly affect, while other parts of the planet are now oceans!
>And here is why thats a good thing!

Attached: psa1.png (886x709, 186K)

>While the birth of our living saint and the many victories by our most holy warriors have ensured our little planet the status of a shrine world, thanks to my husbands efforts, I also was not lazy, as he can confirm, I am allways full of energy
>With all the tithes we made with all marriages in the cathredral and the donations of the pilgrims, we now plan to make it a pleasure world too!
>See, most lower regions of the planet are flooded and so we have now more continents and water!
>In fact, we have gone from 5 Continents to over 25! That is an increase in continents by more than 400 percent!
>So, what have we now, more than ever? Thats right, Coasts! And what do you have on coasts? Right again, Beaches! And what do you need for say Beach Partys after some weeks of Lent Time?
>Beachwear!
>Toys!
>Furniture!
>And all that other stuff! And in fact, the government will have subventions for producers of such articles!
>We need workers, so come and help!
>We need merchants, so bring your best goods!
>We need hotels, camps and guides and a baywatch!
>Apply now!
>Don't worry for the security, we have more than enough weapons on this planet right now!
>As for me, I have ordered [REDACTED] cubic tons of the finest tallarnian sand, that will arrive in the next weeks!
>If everybody helps, we can make this happen!
>And don't forget to purge all the heretics, mutants and aliens that haven't drowned!

Attached: Visit Stercus Ludicrum!.png (966x718, 1.02M)

>be me, Romeo
>hottest sergeant of the Salamanders
>this investigation is getting ridiculous
>the further we move from the city centre the more mutated the inhabitants become
>and the less likely they are to leave
>say that they need the "fleshfather"
>sorrycouldyourepeatthat.heresy
>apparently he's some sort of healer
>yeah, sure
>ask for directions to this guy
>make sure to take off my helmet when I do so
>puttyinmyhands.perfectcheekbones
>beeline for the location we receive
>apparently this guys based out of the foot of that traitor titan that was dropped on the city a while back
>thing was so big that its remains splay all the way down one side of the city
>the foot that he's based out of is partially submerged, bodes poorly for us
>flamers don't work great in water
>I'm more than a little apprehensive
>turns out to be WAY worse than I thought
>arrive on scene to find chaos beastmen just wandering around in broad daylight
>along with some of the most horribly warped mutants imaginable
>there's no way this isn't chaos
>how has no one done anything about this?
>I'll worry about that later
>these aren't civilians anymore and SOMEONE needs to put a stop to this
>my battle brothers and I fire up our flamers
>we're going in hot
>bytheEmperorIlookgreatinbattle.posterboy

Attached: DYyYSLFX4AI15FE.jpg (680x633, 85K)

>Be Big Mek Krom-Dom
>Dis zoggin' Drill-Trukk be gud at diggin'
>So gud dat dere be tunnels down 'ere already
>Just wish Gutpoker stop askin' "We dere yet?"
>Boss 'Ead-Krumpa tells da boiz ta get out, iz toim ta hunt Ty-roo-nidz
>Gutpoka sez dese tunnels smells loik Ty-roo-nid bugs
>An' 'parently sumfin' called 'neon'
>AreDoseFood.pngrot
>He be pointin' to all dese green glowy bitz
>Boss asks if dey be Ty-roo-nid
>Gutpoka sez no
>Boss sez stop mukkin' about
>Keep walkin' ta where Gutpoker sez smells of Ty-roo-nids
>Gonna hafta leave de green glowy bitz
>Coulda used dem fer a new Trukk
>Roit as we leave, dere be dis huge green glow from da green glowy bit room
>Look back
>De hole room just up an' gone
>Wonder where dey went when Gutpoka found a room fulla dese humies wiff weird 'eds
>Gutpoka sez dey be dem 'nid bugs somehow
>TimeTaKrump.jpgrot