Tried to lose my virginity this weekend

dont gamble your wizard status you'll regret it

Asking the important questions here.

simple answer fruitcake:
Step 1 - get op to remove lower ribs
Step 2 - learn yoga
Step 3 - suckle your prick
bought 100k

>No Way Stacy!
>And he even said "T-Thanks.." Haha, can you believe it?
>Omg, how did you not die of laughter?

Why not just do your mum? You get sorted, she gets sorted, it’s free AND you’ll have some amazing greentext

buy some xanax and just take that, anxiety problems solved

Next time drink a shot or something. Everyone is nervous before their first time but this isn't normal.

I'm sure that happens more times than you think even if I think your story is slightly exaggerated. ;)

Even without the additional stress from hiring a prostitute most people fuck up trying to have sex the first time.

Just try again, op. Maybe use something to mellow you out before like a bit of alcohol.

Kek

LARP

please be larping, im a 26 year old neet faggot with no friends or social life, i literally banged an escort last night, you have to always remember that she only wants your money, you dont have to be charming, talkative etc, i cant see why you would be anxious..

Just keep trying. You'll make it eventually. Is no big deal.

>i finally tried to lose my virginity and I almost instead lost my life

topkek

This

Holy kek

Nice larp

Next time you hire a hooker, look around in forums for beginner-friendly ladies (they exist). Then tell her that you are a virgin and want to learn the ropes. Tell her to go it slow, to undress you and start touching her tits.

You don't have to succeed the first time, many (including me) didn't. Sex is pretty overwhelming at first what with all the presence of another person, the intimacy, the taboos.

We carry a lot more mental ballast than animals, and it can really fuck up the first time(s). Pretty glad I ain't a roasty, I can't imagine how it must be if you are also looking at a huge dick that's about to be shoved up one of your orifices.

You get anxious when you have a tiny dick and don't even know if you will be able to get it up

Just try it again dude, drink some alcohol or take some phenibut/xanax to relax before she comes over.

This.

Unironically this, you would fuck it up and end up being involuntarily committed.

>a panic attack and almost a heart attack
yea that's not really possible. you probably had a panic attack of which you thought it was a heart attack

>1 post by this ID
Damn it's almost as if this board is filled with fresh off the boat Reddit newcunts

have you tried breaking your arms?

>In decent shape
>almost had heart attack from a panic attack
Pick one

>take some phenibut
bad idea, user might be able to get it up but good luck taking an hour to cum.

This
Take xanax or an amphetamine.
Onions is your friend

I got another prostitute story
>go to amp
>get full service
>condom slips off during sex because ed problems
>finish inside hooker
>hooker sees and starts telling me I need to come back in a month to see if she is preggers.
>says I need to raise my daughter
>offer to go get plan b
>she refuses and says she wants an American baby

I have to get tested and I may have a hapa baby somewhere in the world.

I am 33yo wizard.

My advice to you - move away from your family as far as possible.

And stop trying to become normal.

amp?

Panic attacks feel like heart attacks, he wasn't close to having a heart attack he just felt that

asian massage parlor

>>hooker sees and starts telling me I need to come back in a month to see if she is preggers.
>>says I need to raise my daughter

How did she know the gender of a child if she wasn't even sure that she's pregnant?

Not possible to move without being rich and inheriting.

I spend my adsense money on escorts myself. Buy cialis, I just got a new pack. I premature ejaculate. If the cialis and priligy pills don't work, I will just jump off a building, be on a coma for 10 years and wake up rich when my BTC is worth millions. Thank god my dick is not tiny tho.

Unironically this. I've seen the first 3 "Taboo" movies start to finish so I can help you with your hook breh

ahh got ya, so theres no non-asian massage parlours to get your dick wet?, not a fan of asians desu.

drink some alcohol before the meet, i often suffer from PE, just make sure you dont get drunk, just tipsy, that plus your blue friend will turn you into a human rabbit

either wishful thinking or she is setting up an extortion scheme.

Youre only 32 op. And if youre in shape its better.

I lost my virginity literally 3 months ago at age of 25.
It was thanks to the new car I bought. Literally. Thats how we met. Shes a 9 easily.
I live in yuropoor and bought myself a 2016 mustang 5.0. They are rather unique here and quite an headturner compared to the same looking bmw and mercedes.

Also just yesterday a fine blonde bitch dressed in skinny white clothes walked across the street in front of me. She looked at me and I smiled. She smiled back and even gave me a wink. I fucking came my lad.
I know it sounds like larp but I literally lost my virginity thanks to my car

> be me
> go to a whore from time to time
> take a shower
> touch the girl
> never get it up
> get a disappointed look
> leave
> jerk off at home while fantasizing about that whore's butt

Feminine men produce daughters.

Stop jerking off for starters.

Did you pay her with bitcoin?

>these are the people that i take financial advice from

U have ED bro, stop watching porn or buy some meds (Vigara), or ur gay and dont actually like girls

Sounds like cheating.

Being a legit wizard (>30yo virgin), i would never use my gains to get laid. I spent my precious time and big chunk of life to accumulate my wealth, and i am not using a single dime on 3d whores.

>mental ballast

I didnt use it for girls.
I like cars. Its my only hobby desu senpai. Always wanted to buy a mustang. And I dont nearly have enough crypto gains to buy it with that. Was from my own wagecucking.
It just was a nice bonus and shows me how girls actually fucking care about people with cars

please be joking

>You don't have to succeed the first time, many (including me) didn't.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
what a fag.

...

Don’t worry about it too much. I’ve fucked probably like 12 hookers by now (damn when I say it like that, I really need to slow it down) and each time I still get really fucking nervous. Matter of fact, I get really nervous every time before sex too even with a regular girl.

I think we are lower end of the spectrum in terms of horniness and penis size (you probably have an average cock like me) and thus feel not good enough and get nervous. Only way to combat this is no fap no porn where you’re so randy that you don’t give a fuck.

Holy shit dude lmao.

I’ve frequented amp and ktf of dick limpage due to ED. Good luck bro.

Why the fuck is this shit on Veeky Forums? Fucking hell.

Lol dude same here. Good times.

>Only way to combat this is no fap no porn where you’re so randy that you don’t give a fuck.
Not a good idea for beginners that don't know how to pace themselves especially when you've pre-paid for the time.

Meanwhile, in Germany..

OP I don't watch a lot of porn but I need to know who that girl is in that picture please.

much appreciated.

dude i dont think OP is lying same thing happened to me just not as bad, only extreme heart beating.I felt like i was going to have a heart attack

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

bro if i maneged to fuck a bitch at 16, how can a fully grown man not be able to?

Probably paid out the asshole for the ER visit

What the fuck is wrong with americunts?

Literally everyone's story here is
> Still live at home with my mom, she's divorced so I help her with the chores.

>I've never worked a job, I've never gone to college or university. I'm 32 years old

Have you ever tried to stop being a worthless piece of shit and get a job?

checked rare sminem

Some real advice op: keep trying and build up gradually. It’s obviously mental so the more youve been in the situation the more comfortable you will be

He'll be getting his money's worth then, makes you extremely horny too.

>Try to 'get' job
>fail

There you go you macho son-of-a-bitch

don't worry pal, happens to anybody! next time hire a prostitute and just talk to her for 30 minutes. Once you get to know her, you'll become less nervous. Good luck!

>next time hire a prostitute
>talk to her for 30 minutes
the absolute state of Veeky Forums

Veeky Forums - Business & Finance

Next time drink a 12 pack of Budweiser before you go.

I usually just hire an escort and have her play Nintendo switch with me until the time is up. It just doesn't feel right to ask her for sex this early in our relationship.

This chick with a top tier body even gave me her personal number so I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

faggot

>be me
>hire a prostitue for 1 hour
>tell her I want her to give me a slow sensual BJ for the whole hour
>start playing vidya with her kneeling under the desk
>play dota 2 while being sucked off

why? guilt? what are you nervous about

Welcome to Veeky Forums you faggot Redditor, we can talk about more than just what the name of the board is from time to time. Go back to your gay subreddit if you can’t handle that.

Lmao

have you ever talked to a stripper/whore? Because after the fact I just want to beat them up, not have sex with them

90 % of the dudes she bangs are obese, over 45 and stink

If you're youngish and slightly normal then you're way ahead of the curve

Ive had a few escorts go out with me after the paid stuff was over, although always remember they are degnerate whores and NEVER "date" one lmao