I have nothing against vegans. I have nothing against vegetables. But there are limits...

I have nothing against vegans. I have nothing against vegetables. But there are limits. Celery is a cruel mockery of food. Smells like grass, tastes like bitter grass, and contributes nothing to the enjoyment of life.

But "Oh", you say, "it has zero calories! You can eat all you want!"

Eating absolutely none of it satisfies the latter condition. And in order to stomach it, you have to add something that actually HAS flavour to it such as cheese or peanut butter, which invalidates the first condition.

You know what I'd rather have than celery with cheese? Cheese.

You know what I'd rather have with celery with peanut butter? Peanut butter.

I don't want it in a salad where, at best, it provides a little crunch. Using fresh ingredients keeps a salad crunchy, and if you want to add more vegetal crunch, there's water chestnuts.

I don't want it in a soup where it serves merely as a placeholder where a real ingredient could have lived, like a bit of carrot, a pea, or a bit of chicken. Tossing something watery into something watery just makes the less watery thing more watery. Nasty.

And no, Dr. Brown, I don't want celery "flavour" in a soda. I'd try it once though out of pure horrific curiosity. I'm just not sure I'd actually waste money on the "privilege", since I've seen it in stores and have failed to try it so far.

I am so exceedingly ungrateful for celery, you can't even imagine.

Pleb detected.

But without celery your 'ants on a log' is just 'ants in mud'.

Have you tried using celery as a dipping stick for hummus? This combination changed my attitude towards this humble vegetable from "meh..." to :P

I would not disgrace hummus in such a way.

I will not deprive hummus of its natural scoops: soft flat bread such as a tortilla, naan or pita, vegetables that I would feel completely comfortable eating were I in 100% control of my mental faculties, or even a corn chip or the humble corn chip processed product from the exotic remote Gambier Islands in French Polynesia: the Frito.

I'm not so big on eating it raw, but I wouldn't want to try cooking anything influenced by French food without it. Common in plenty of Italian dishes as well. Along with onions, carrots and garlic it's the cornerstone of many, many dishes. Leave it out and those dishes will suffer for it.

it's meant to be a conduit for ranch dressing
you can't just dip your fingers or take a spoon and eat ranch because that's uncivilized and weird but dipping celery into ranch just as an excuse to eat ranch is normal

The worst is when people put it in fried rice. Same with lima beans

I think it's a little ridiculous to hate celery this much

I do not appreciate the implication that I am the least bit movable in my utter loathing for celery. Anything I can improve celery with by putting on the celery I can improve even further by taking the celery out of the offensive equation.

If there was a large, dangerous spider such as a brown recluse, I was completely naked and I had nothing with which to remove or dispatch the spider except a stalk of celery, I would have to think very carefully about it.

Also, I am ungrateful for rhubarb, an offensively and pointlessly sour nasty cousin of celery. Anything that I can make a sweet pie out of that is that offensive on its own before I add its weight in sugar should be left to rot on a giant composting pile while I replace it with fruit. Don't get me started.

>Anything I can improve celery with by putting on the celery I can improve even further by taking the celery out of the offensive equation.
Cajun cuisine would beg to differ with you.

you sound like an anti-celery version of sam harris

Celery is part of the unholy trinity of pointless herbs alongside cilantro and parsley. The humans who learned to use them ages ago should not have learned to reproduce.

>If there was a large, dangerous spider such as a brown recluse, I was completely naked and I had nothing with which to remove or dispatch the spider except a stalk of celery,
Ah, Friday nights

I have nothing against vegans. I have nothing against vegetables. But there are limits. Poatoes are a cruel mockery of food. Smells like dirt, tastes like bitter dirt, and contributes nothing to the enjoyment of life.

But "Oh", you say, "it has zero calories! You can eat all you want!"

Eating absolutely none of it satisfies the latter condition. And in order to stomach it, you have to add something that actually HAS flavour to it such as cheese or peanut butter, which invalidates the first condition.

You know what I'd rather have than potatoes with cheese? Cheese.

You know what I'd rather have with potatoes with peanut butter? Peanut butter.

I don't want it in a salad where, at best, it provides a little crunch. Using fresh ingredients keeps a salad crunchy, and if you want to add more vegetal crunch, there's water chestnuts.

I don't want it in a soup where it serves merely as a placeholder where a real ingredient could have lived, like a bit of carrot, a pea, or a bit of chicken. Tossing something watery into something watery just makes the less watery thing more watery. Nasty.

And no, Dr. Brown, I don't want potato "flavour" in a soda. I'd try it once though out of pure horrific curiosity. I'm just not sure I'd actually waste money on the "privilege", since I've seen it in stores and have failed to try it so far.

I am so exceedingly ungrateful for potatoes, you can't even imagine.

> potato has zero calories

Kinda fucked it there, bud. Lurk a little more.

You're still a pleb (and likely somewhat of a bona fide faggot) but you're writing is awesome.

I suspect you know that, however. Like I say: faggoty-ish.

*your
Sorry guys, being a mong there.

Actually, no; sorry guys, I suck cocks.

Celery is god tier for stocks, soups and stews though.

>Being this genetically inferior

Gattaca when?

>And no, Dr. Brown, I don't want celery "flavour" in a soda

Cel-Ray is absolutely boss and I wish I was drinking some right now.

I have a serious hate for all 3 of these. Parsley can fuck right off. Celery is only acceptable when with buffalo wings and bleu cheese, and only if it's the smooth not stringy kind. Cilantro is soap. Don't get me started on cucumbers blech.

underrated comment

Your typical North American celery has no taste, but have you tried Chinese celery? They actually taste like something

Yes indeed, you are an ungrateful little snatch.

Celery is a top tier food. There's so many reasons why you should love celery, that I don't even have time to write them all down right now. Not only is it essential in many, many great cuisines of the world, but it's healthy as fuck for you (and not because it's so low calorie, but because of the vitamins and minerals it contains, along with the fiber). You eat celery every day, I guarantee it, even if you don't know it. If celery didn't exist, you and everyone else would be the poorer for it.

Idiot.

The whitey's brainwashed you, I am sure u also have one glass of milk and one glass of orange juice with your bowl of dry cereal.

Try sugar snap peas, look up the nutrients it's not high on sugar or carbs. Tasty and very handy to store and eat

What's with the purple prose and melodrama? You don't like celery, big deal. Get over it you autist.

i love celery, but it's only good if you get it fresh and high quality. if you go to a good natural market or whole foods you can get great celery. i like to dip it in hummus.

...

OP needs to go hitchhiking through Syria. He'll forget all about celery.

but what about spaghetti bolognese

You're trying too hard. You suck at this.

I like celery though so fuck you? I'm not even vegan

OP, you ignorant slut:

Want to know what celery is good for? And why you yourself should eat a pound or two of it?

Fiber. It's nothing but fiber and water. The two basic building blocks of life, the two items that keep you alive.

It keeps you alive because it makes you shit. And I'm thinking someone as full of bitterness and hate towards an innocent vegetable could use a good shit right about now.

And don't get me started on rhubarb. Just don't.

Only a complete fag wouldnt like Rhubarb.

Makes some of the Best lemonade, Sauce for pancakes or kaiserschmarrn, filling for cakes or krapfen and amazing Marmelade.

>plants have cell walls made of cellulose (dietary fiber)
>people are unable to break down cellulose unlike a ruminant
>people just shit it out
>celery is low in vitamins and minerals compared to a lot of other vegetables namely dark greens

You might as well be eating grass. It's cheaper and it tastes the same.

This. Also great for flavoring soups, stews, and gravies.

this is a legendary thread

Not really, there've been celery hate threads started before that were much better.

You don't get it do you? The fiber is the scrubber of your colon. It's why it's there. You freakin' need it my friend.

Just as you need the dark leafy, just as you need the root veggies. You need the gracious goodness of celery.

And I've got a rhubarb cake recipe that will make you weep with joy.

>parsley
>pointless

Preach.

And another thing....

What would Sunday mornings be without celery?

And another...

Yeah, celery is a main ingredient.

They are good in some soups ant stews. They have to be well done or I wont eat them though.

I'll keep on going?

I wanna eat ant stew now.

>I wanna eat ant stew now.

Didn't you mean to say "Uncle Stu"?

Celery is a great addition to stews and soup, not to mention its an integral part of a delicious Kung Pao dish

Throw some sliced chinese sausage/an egg/bacon/tofu into a pan

Cook for a couple minutes

Throw in some chopped celery

Enjoy

>it makes you shit
Not really. I consumed too much fiber for the past few days and know for a fact that fiber causes nothing but endless gas and bloat, not shit.

You sound fat OP

idk man i think celery is pretty good on its own. maybe you're just a huge faggot and don't want to come out of the closet for fear of your overbearing father ridiculing you endlessly. nice going, epson.

F

I fukin love it tho, tastes fresh and aromatic + nice crunch.

But what do you make your mirepoix out of if you don't use celery?

the only food OP eats is tendies and McD

...

>cucumbers

?

You know this also means no pickles

babby's first vegetable

I like celery with ranch and I'm not just going to drink ranch.