How the fuck do you dice an onion into those perfectly gay little squares?

with one of these. it's right there in the file name

No. That will make them too small.

That's for eggs... might work but the strings might get caught on the onion.

wrong

Either the standard method, which you can see in tons of videos made my every single celebrity chef, or this: (which is honestly the same thing done on a smaller scale) if you want it very fine.

cut the non-root end off

set the onion cut side down

slice through the root end down the middle

take one of the halves and peel back the husk/paper/whatever you want to call it

lay the half cutside down and make several cuts towards the root but not all the way

run the knife through the onion horizontal to the cutting surface towards the root but not all the way

you've now formed a grid out of the onion, all you have to do is slice downward crossways down the onion about 1/4 inch at a time

youtu.be/dCGS067s0zo
go back to school you fucking donkey

Underrated post

You owe me a pair of sides, I'll be expecting them within the next couple of months. For the inconvenience caused to you in this regard, I apologize.

Yours Truly - Hate-Ball.

no, the filename says onioncuber. don't ignore this advice

To dice, use a cleaver and go at it with both hands on the cleaver, a see sawing motion.

You can also buy something that helps you dice, but I am a fan of a compact kitchen without stuff you rarely use.