Failed cooking

So i just failed horribly at beer batter and deep frying a candy bar.
what are some horrible food fails on your part Veeky Forums?
youtu.be/XqHLd6qrZRo

The first thing you failed at was deciding to deep fry a candy bar. You know this, right?

yes. i am aware.

>making grilled cheese
>Buttery crust sticks to pan

>making pasta
>the lid falls off

refrigerate or partially freeze your candy bars before frying.

I swear I only make these once a year for the super bowl party. no bully.

>trying to make chili
>accidentaly make stew

I'm not just blowing smoke here, but I'm a great cook. I can cook fucking anything, and it will usually come out perfect. I engineer my own recipes and give or sell them to people and restaurants. I can bake cakes, cookies, and pies like a champ (and am a champ as well, I have a case full of trophies and ribbons from cooking competitions). I'm well known in my community as great cook.
THAT SAID - I'm shit at confectionery. I can't make candy. There's only two kinds of candy I've ever been able to perfect, pecan pralines, and toffee, which are both pretty easy (but I do make them very well). I can't even make fudge. Every attempt at something as simple as fudge turns into a disaster. Nougat? NO. Hard candies? No. It borders on ridiculous. It's shameful how terrible I am at it.

incoming shitstorm. You just oversold yourself champ.

I think my worst fails were all around breading when I first started frying. It took awhile to discover what type of breading works best for each thing I might fry.

Actually the worst breading fails were when I started trying to bake instead of fry and get similar textures.

>boiling water
>add salt because i was always told to
>remember i was boiling water for tea

>So i just failed horribly at deep frying a candy bar.
That's not a failure, user. You might as well say you failed to get it up looking at cheese pizza. You did good user, you did good.

Bah....There's no overselling. It's called knowing what you're good at, and what you aren't. I freely admitted that I can't make things (candy) that even amateur cooks can make. I know my limits, so there's no reason for an "incoming shitstorm".

>marinated chicken in a plastic bag
>when adding the chicken to the pan, the bag touches the pan, the some of the plastic melts
>discarded the chicken because I didn't want to eat melted plastic

>add salt because I was always told to
Lot of cases where you shouldn't be adding salt, actually.
This really only holds true for pasta as far as I know.
You don't add salt to rice, and you don't add salt if you're poaching eggs.

t-thank you senpai

man the fuck up

>you failed to get it up looking at cheese pizza
Not regularly jerking off to cheese pizza - what are you even doing here?

>deep frying a candy bar
Just throw your head in the fryer while you're at it, you're beyond the point of saving.

Next time try the favorite southern white trash fair food - deep fried butter. You won't regret it!

>Trying to cut carrots
>Cut off tip of middle finger

That picture looks like an oyster with a peanutbutter sauce on it.

>wouldTry.pb&j

I was going away on a trip and had to eat a bunch of potatos that had been cooked 2 ays earlier so they didnt go to waste. I also had some other stuff i needed to use up.

I ended up trying to make a "mexican style" poutine eith jalepno peppers, sour cream, along with other veggies i needed to eat up.

So it was potatoes and cheese and gravy then topped with a bunch of other shit to make it "mexican".

It was a disgusting high calorie watery mess.

I took a picture to post in food gore threads but never got around to it. So here you go.

>and gravy
That's the part that ruined it.

Ive had something like it before at one of those meme poutine shops and it was pretty good. I think my gravy needed to be thicker though.

I'd eat, because fuck it.

I was drunk at my friend's house and tried to make nacho cheese sauce from scratch. Except he didn't have any milk.

I used almond milk. It was disgusting.

It's a cooking messageboard not your tormented childhood.

you sound like a total blowhard

The shit storm has arrived

...

I made the mistake of using vermicelli noodles in soup.
Turned to a sticky clay like sludge.
I never felt so defeated

how long did you leave them in heat?