Cooking blunders

>drinking tea
>think to myself this tea is pretty weak
>sip intermittently as I'm slightly occupied
>eventually say what the fuck is going on with this tea and open my teapot lid
>no leaves in the infuser
>I was just drinking water

>make toast
>burn it

>i drink tea
>(you)

damn man what happened

> distilling absinthe
> doesn't want to boil
> add porcelain shards
> jet engine flame ceiling high
> whole kitchen in flaming absinthe.

>making my patented Mr Delicioso chocolate chip & pecan cookies by memory as always
>cream the butter and sugar
>add and mix in the wets
>add the flour, salt, and baking powder
>baking powder
>realise my mistake too late
>decide to add half the necessary amount of baking soda to compensate
>puffier cookies than I wanted

>toasting the last everything bagel
>spread on some peanut butter
>walking to my seat
>trip and they both land facedown on the carpet

I have a somewhat similar thing happen a while back
>Grilled some pork hotdogs
>put sauce and other shit on it
>took it up to my room to eat
>as soon as I walk in I trip over something
>drop hotdogs
>mustard and all the other toppings get everywhere
>later I notice it's somehow all over the bottom of the back of my jeans
>fuck
>now those jeans have mustard stains and I use them as an oil rag for when I work on my car

Why would you eat in your room instead of at the dinner table?

Because I can and I wanted to finish the movie I was watching before I got hungry and decided to make hotdogs

>making cup cakes and icing from scratch for the first time
>read over recipe but don't pay very close attention
>holy fuck icing is bad for you
>make batter and pop those puppies in the oven
>cream butter for icing
>add sugar, granulated sugar
>keep on mixing, notice it doesn't look as smooth as I was expecting
>taste it
>idonefuckedup.jpg
>reread recipe
>was supposed to use icing sugar
>icing tastes like I dumped a bag full of sand into it

The worst part is that they were for a party that night and I didn't have time to go to the store, get the proper sugar and remake the icing but I already said I would bring cupcakes. So I brought them as is and basically told everyone they were garbage and no one ate them, I was fucking embarrassed. Never made cupcakes since, and now I always bring stuff that I've made at least once before on my own.

You can make powdered sugar by using a food processor/blender +granulated sugar

>Was making some brownies
>Keep icing sugar and flour in the same type of container next to each other
>see where we're going
>cleaning up after putting brownies in oven
>realize that I had the icing sugar out
>brownies come out of the oven as a superset fudge/flour less cake
>actually kinda good

>made pita bread
>didn't rise but I cooked them anyway
>ballooned properly so I thought it was fine
>bite into one and realize that only a thin layer rose and the rest was extremely dense
>check yeast
>expired years ago

He said icing sugar, because he's making icing. Icing sugar is cut with starch.

>make perfect pizzas at home
>Brag about It
>Make pizzas at my friends's homes
>Not perfect

>staying round brothers house
>want to make chilli, got a good recipe
>usually use a big load of mild chilli powder in my blend, mainly for the flavour and a tiny bit of heat
>get jar labelled chilli powder out of their cupboard, add 4 heaped teaspoons to blend
>don't even bother to taste it until nearly done simmering, the recipe is like muscle memory now
>mfw
>find chilli powder package in their pantry
>extra hot

that's not retro yet

I bet it was nice though

the story is classic fuuu-core

>making french bread pizzas
>put on a movie while they're in the oven
>forget they're cooking
>smell burning

>Making chickpeas
>Place pressure cook on stove
>Set alarm for 20 minutes
>Go play EU4
>2 hours later
>Smell burning
>THE STOVE FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>Its fucking carbonized and shit is crusted
>The alarm was set for am not pm
>spend 2 hours cleaning charcoral crust

Not me but my mother cooking for me when I was a child
>steams carrots
>forgets there is no water in bottom pot for 15 minutes
>realises and adds water
>dishes dinner
>s..sorry ano-chan the carrots might taste a bit weird tonight
I try carrots
Taste like metal and char yet they are a perfect colour

This has stood out in my mind from the age of 8 when this happened

...

I fucking feel
I just let them dry out and be retarded biscotti

What kind of a stove sets alarms on set times rather than elapsed times???

>making Yorkshire puddings for the first time
>use shitty soybean oil, and way too much of it
>starts smoking in the oven and dripping oil everywhere
>puds taste like vegetable oil
>takes an hour to clean the oven

The alarm was on my phone, not the stove.

You can also use toilet water to brush your teeth but I wouldn't suggest it.

>alarm was on my phone, not the stove.
>not setting a timer instead of an alarm
Wew

A timer wouldn't go off goober McGee. Think a little before you post.

>be in cooking class
>Go to put butter in frying pan
>Shits not melting
>Realise i've put cheese in the pan instead of butter

>Order a mcdouble, some tendies and two mcchickens.
>only one mcchicken was entered
>two austisic to correct her
>almost die of starvation as a result

Are you retarded? Watching a movie on your computer while eating hotdogs isn't comparable at all to brushing your teeth with toilet water

>make tea
>leave it on the table
>forget about it until its too cold

similar
>make perfect pizzas at home
>invite friends over for party with homemade pizza
>???
>pizzas come out doughy in the center and I don't realise til too late

ever since then, if I'm using an airbake sheet, I put the crust in the oven by itself for about 5 min, then take it out and add toppings, and it comes out great. or I just make it in a cast iron pan. would get a pizza stone but I don't want to store it as I don't really make pizza that often.

>Make spicy peanut butter soup for me and my buddies
>Have the youngest of the bunch go out and get the ingredients
>Actually gets everything right
>Except he brings back extra chunky peanut butter
>It's still decent, but there's like a dozen nuts in every bite

>making chicken and dumplings
>reach for paprika
>grab cayenne pepper instead
>spicy as shit and nearly inedible

tfw west african peanut stew. always go extra chunky

I don't think this happens to coffee people for some reason only tea people are forgetters prolly cause coffee people are depraved addicts and tea people are calm aficionados of good taste.

>A timer wouldn't go off
what

>A timer wouldn't go off
What do you think is the function of a timer?

...

alarms make noise at the end of a given time

timers count time

>>holy fuck icing is bad for you
Please tell me you are a white middle class US-American girl.

>>Keep icing sugar and flour in the same type of container next to each other
>>see where we're going
Something similar happened to me
>making pizza in friend's kitchen while friend is gone
>they store everything in containers
>one of them is twice as large as the others
This must be the flour
>taste it
>definitely not powdered sugar
>make dough
>finish
>friend returns
"The tall jar is the flour jar, right?"
>nope.avi
>it was corn starch

>roll out the dough and pop it in the oven
>turns into a blueish gray blob, extremely dense and crumbly
>start over

My gf's flatmate used to
>put a bowl on the dinner table
>put in a teabag
>go to her room
>not come back
Shit was really pissing everybody off because she would do this every other day and people needed the bowls for their breakfast cereal etc.
Speak for yourself. I'm a tea addict. I slay half a gallon of hot black tea every morning before it can get cold.
Turn the oven all the way up and pop the sheet in the very bottom of the oven. Don't put it in the bottom rack, just lay it flat on the floor for ten minutes. That way the crust will get crispy and cook all the way. You can put it in the middle or high position afterwards so the toppings get cooked all the way as well.
Or just make a thinner pizza.

A countdown then.

Who the fuck uses an alarm for something that's going to happen in 20 minutes?

Here people make whole pots of coffee and keep them on a warmer all day in case guests.
If you're unlucky the coffee will be a concentrated black sludge that can be used as pesticide.
If you're lucky the warmer is broken and it's cold coffee.
If you're at grandmas she'll apologize for cold coffee by filling half the mug with boozy homemade eggnog.
I love grandma :3

A time can count decrementally in addition to incrementally.

>making stock for the hundredth time
>go to pass through a sieve over the sink
>forget to place pot under sieve
>dumps all stock down the drain

>making dinner for a bunch of recovering alcoholics
>BBQ ribs
>make my grandpas famous rib sauce
>forget to omit the bourbon

Woops

>put rice in rice cooker and let it cook
>pass out
>wake up next day
>go on vacation for 5 weeks
>come back
>time to cook rice better open this oddly heavy cooker up
It was like that scene from cowboy bebop when I opened the rice cooker

That's a stopwatch ya dingus.

>go to make a pot of coffee
>gets the grounds and filter, fill up reservoir, rinse pot out
>hit brew and walk away to do something
>fifteen minutes go by
>roommate knocks and asks me to come into the kitchen
>I didn't put the pot back in the coffee maker
>whole pot of freshly brewed coffee all over the counter and halfway through the kitchen
Still don't know how I managed that one. Fortunately nothing stained and the coffee pot somehow didn't short out so all was well in the end. Had to put up with a lot of shit from roommates everytime I made coffee for a few months though.

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To join in on the common thread of "wrong white powder" submissions.

Tired as hell.
Making cornbread to go with Tex-mex dinner.

Pull it out, looks a little flat.... shit, did I forget the baking powder?
Taste it.

Pic related

Fuck, powdered sugar instead of flour.


Scraped it out of the cast iron, tossed it in the food processor, added more corn, and some wet masa...

Rolled into balls and baked.

Passed it off as sweet corn cake, ended up tasting just like Casa Gallardo's.

fuck, I bet yall got shitfaced on those ribs huh?

yes, a stopwatch is a timer

>extra chunky peanut butter
geez i need to step up my PB game, all i can get is regular crunchy, where the fuck do you get EXTRA crunchy?

Alcohol has a low boiling point, it evaporates when and leaves all of the contained sugars behind when you cook it

>still not making your own peanut butter

I live with 5 other people and I prefer the quite solace of my own room while I eat. I can watch whatever I want and no one bothers me

Wish I had that, we have a neet roomate who stunk up the house with all the food waste in his room. Landlord banned food in bedrooms since, but now people have to be somewhat social while eating.

>used too high heat when cooking burger patties
>outsides burnt while insides are raw

IT'S FUCKING RAW

(Distinct lack of Ramsay responses in this thread)

...

>am a dishwasher
>have prep experience but not in this kitchen
>sous chef gives me an actual recipe
>not just cuttin' onions or peelin' taters
>it looks like a recipe for a dressing
>I gather the ingredients
>Ask "What do I do, just take everything and emulsify it?"
>He nods so I go for it
>El Jefe comes a lookin for it
>Sees it but doesn't say anything
>Ask next day what I did wrong
>"Everything"

Fuck

Well, let's see if they'll ever give me any responsibility ever again

>Make lasagna for the first time
>Don't use a recipe, I know all the ingredients
>Don't add enough noodles
>End up with cheesy beef and tomato sauce soup
>Slather it on my garlic bread
>Fucking magnificent

>comes to blunder thread
>posts successes

Stop being such a triggernigger you stupid jigger.

>Buy food in anticipation for a tasty recipe
>Be lazy and put off making said recipe
>Finally decide, todays the day I'm gonna go make that darned thing
>Food has gone bad

Fuck I've done this so much.

Actual mental retardation.

Happens all the time even without the lazy user, don't feel bad.

I loosely meal plan for the week, but only for a few days, at least once or twice a week something stupid happens that changes evening plans.

I filled my coffeemaker up twice and got really confused when water started pouring out of the basket.
I cleaned it up, emptied the basket, got the water and put it back in.
It overflowed again. I just ran the stupid thing and it turned out to have 12-13 cups of water in it.

Also I made hamburger helper once.

>Be me
>Noob
>Have new cast iron skillet
>Determined to make pizza in it
>Don't really know what I'm doing
>Go to grocery store
>Recipe calls for cornmeal
>For the life of it can't find it
>Oh well corn starch should do
>Recipe calls for kosher salt
>Find a big yellow box of "kosher salt"
>Cheap so I buy it
>Start making dough
>"Kosher salt" is actually rice-sized chunks of salt
>Realize I need a grinder for it
>Don't have it
>Fuck it, just toss it in
>Bits of salt rice hanging out in my dough
>Takes fucking forever to rise
>Heat pan in oven
>Pan is screaming hot
>Put corn starch in pan
>Not great Bob!
>Put dough in
>It starts crackling immediately
>Panic
>Instead of shaping dough into a proper pizza shape just mash it in
>Recipe called for one can of sauce
>Dump the whole can in too quickly
>Way too much sauce
>Overflows everywhere
>Sauce starts sizzling on the pan
>Want to cry, this is a disaster
>Recipe says to layer spices on the sauce
>Dump a bunch of spices
>First time ever really using spices for cook
>No idea how potent red pepper flakes are
>Dump on a massive pile of grated mozza
>Put this disaster in the oven
>12 minutes later extract
>Realize too late that the recipe called for a huge cast iron pizza pan, not my meager 12" skillet
>Crust is three inches thick
>Swimming pool of sauce
>Huge pile of dark brown cheese
>Take a timid bite
>Way too spicy
>Overcome with despair
>Leave the pizza on the stove
>Go to bed even though it's only 1pm

Despite everything going wrong, the crust came out pretty perfectly. My problem was trying to cook a 16" pizza in a 12" pan.

The next day I tried again and nailed it. I love homemade pizza.

Man i hate going full potato at work like that.Nobody ever says anything they just take so long to trust you again lol

>making pasta sauce
>usually put in a whole white onion
>instead put in a while spanish onion
>and 1 cup of sugar
>is completely inedible.

awww

>spicy peanut butter soup
can i get a recipe on that my dude?

I did, until an "I don't want to shop at Aldi" opened in town, selling uncut peanut butter cheaper than the peanuts I was buying.

>and 1 cup of sugar

Why

>Just been shopping
>spoon a dollop of yoghurt onto my breakfast cereal
>tastes like how garbage smells
>EXACTLY like how garbage smells
>what the fuck is this disgusting shit?
>read the tub
>"herbs and spices flavour"

>semi-new to drinking/making coffee
>put grounds in the reservoir
>fill coffee pot with water, turn the coffee maker on
>coffee pot filled with water is getting warm after a few minutes, figure its just taking a long time to start up
Apparently coffee makers don't suck the water up from the pot..

I did that as a kid.