I fucked up Veeky Forums

Make sure it looks appealing. Put it in a trendy bowl. Maybe layer the chopped tomatoes on to instead of mixing it in the goop. Fresh cilantro garnish on top.

How about you buy a bunch of avocados and do a bunch of recipes from now until the evening and find the best one?

Don't listen to this tard. Your cilantro, onion and jalapeño need to be ground together with a pinch of salt before being mixed with the avocado.

Chopped coriander = chopped coriander leaves = chopped cilantro which is obviously what I meant
cumin is fucking great and goes in everything savory

Cilantro is not proper but is permissible, but cumin simply doesn't belong in guacamole. Sorry Tex but this isn't up for debate

Buy some ready made guac from the store, along with 2 dozen avocados. Dump the guac in a bowl and cut up and spread the avocados around your kitchen. Tell her about you spent hours making this special special batch of guac. Also make sure you drop a huge cumload into it before she arrives. Chicks love that.

>things that taste good don't belong in other things that taste good because muh tradition
Like I give a fuck señor.

You'd have a better chance winning the lottery than you would finding a bunch of avocados that are ripe all at the same time.

Avocados, kinda chunky but not really
Cut up a little garlic, but not TOO much. Mince that shit up
Finely dice up some red onion
small dice of tomato and jalapeno
Squeeze of lime & lemon
Salt and pepper that shit

Can't go wrong with this recipe

You can ripen avocados in the oven. Wrap in foil and bake at 200 F for 60 minutes, then take out and let cool for half an hour.

I buy avocados at whole foods, they charge more than the immigrant store but they put them out on display right when they're ready. At WF the memevados are almost always within a day of optimal ripeness unlike the immigrant store where they're cheap as fuck and usually either rock hard or overripe.

She's obviously interested in you, so all you have to do is make a pretty decent guac and you are golden

Jeb deals with world wide guacamole policy. He has no time for user's small potatoes guac related issues. That's what your locally elected guac department officials are for.

Of course good perfectly ripe avocados are the key to god tier guac, but this recipe is okay EXCEPT:
Ditch the tomato that shit doesn't belong in guac.
Replace jalapeño with serrano preferably red
Don't need lemon just use lime
Not sure about black pepper, kind of weird. Maybe add some cayenne or nice hot mexican type hostage instead
Also add cilantro

But what if I were to purchase fast food guac, and disguise it as my own cooking?

toasted pepitas. (olive oil and kosher salt)

do it.

You're fucked, op.

1. Find fresh, ripe avocados. Good luck with that. Markets sell hard, unripe avocados which take TIME to ripen.

2. You lied to some chick about your cooking skills? Not good.

Since all of this thread smells like American retards, I'll give you the master race secret Mexican guacamole.

Mash the avocadoes, add a fair amount of olive oil, then add some salt, mix it. After that add egg vinegar but taste while mixing to make sure it's not too sour, balsamic vinegar works if you can't get the other one. Add some chopped up onion and cilantro and you are done.

>Adding vinegar to a dip
Get shot by the cartel, fag.

>American that doesn't know true guacamole
Also, never use garlic or black pepper, what the fuck is wrong with Americans? Garlic is only useful to stop oxidation, not for taste on guacamole

lol what is this reference? Are you calling him Lady Bird Johnson merely because coriander/cumin in guac is a Texan thing? Not judging, just curious lol

>memevados
I like how little effort you put into this

ok let me settle this for you op

most recipes for guac are totally over done and have about 10 times more shit than you really need in there. here is my recipe for delicious guac that my mexican in laws approve of:

avos
finely chopped brown onion
diced fresh Serrano/jalapenos (omit if your a bitch and dont like spice)
finely chopped cilantro
finely chopped tomato (optional)
salt

mix the shit out of it, or just give it a bit of a folding/crushing motion if you want it to be chunky, just try to get everything to disperse evenly or you will end up with a whole mouth full of onion

shits so easy and it takes like 10 mins.

didnt realize someone already put the exact recipe i had up before typing

Pretty much. I associate Texas food abominations with Lady Bird Johnson, is that so wrong?
Limes are just hipster lemons bro

>egg vinegar

its time

here's a secret: add a tablespoon of mayonaise. remove the tomatoes pulp with a spoon before chopping it. fresh, not pickled jalapenos. red onions minced finely. a dash of ceyanne. queso fresco shredded on top.

>is that so wrong?

Yes. I've lived in Texas for 33 years and been to countless cookouts, BBQs, pot lucks, etc. Never once has anyone served a LBJ dish, or even mentioned her for that matter.

Someone once told me it was a good idea to cut the avocado into slices first and grill it to add a smokey flavor. Is that actually good?

This but also add about a tiny bit of sugar

No, no azúcar.

are you insane homie

she obviously likes you, so even if you fuck up just say you tried really hard for her

basically this

the guy who said just put a bottle of tequila on the table with it has the right idea

>Americans

buy store bought and put it in a jeb guacbowl

as she puts the green sauce in her mouth, unzip your skin and reveal your true form, jeb bush

she'll turn to run, but you'll grab her with a firm hand on the shoulder, and a smirk

you then force feed her all of the guacamole

>most recipes for guac are totally over done and have about 10 times more shit than you really need in there
This. Most recipes for guacamole have at least 2 unnecessary ingredients in them, if not more.

To capture the essence of any main ingredient, that ingredient must play center stage in the flavor of your dish. Avocados are the main ingredient, so be sure you have perfectly ripe and delicious avocados before you even try to make guacamole or "avocado dip".

My dad's recipe for guacamole only has 4 ingredients.

Avocados, small (Hass?), chopped as preferred
Onion, White, chopped as preferred
Tomatoes, Roma, chopped as preferred
Salt, make sure you add enough salt
Squeeze of lime (optional, and omitted usually)

Any ingredients beyond these is unnecessary. Some people add cilantro or peppers, but they are not necessary.

My dad prefers coarsely chopped (about 1 cm) ingredients, and about ten (10) avocados per onion, and about 4 tomatoes per 10 avocados. Again, make sure you add enough salt.

>tomatoes necessary
>cilantro, peppers not
nigger wtf are u doing

If u want a minimal guac: Avocados, lime, salt.

>best guac known to man
>bar chick is (presumably) not a man

⸮⸮⸮⸮W0T????

Am I the only one around here who adds a tablespoon or two of sour cream?

youtube.com/watch?v=0weCqOLSPfs

>cilantro being necessary
Don't you think that a substance that tastes like soap to the generically unfortunate is optional?

And when was the last time you ate peppers in guacamole that someone else made? As with cilantro, it's optional. Not necessary.

>I told a girl at the bar last knight that I'm actually a guacamole god among mere mortals
Alpha as fuck

I wanted to post this. Is YSAC cooking kino?

Unless you're using really shitty avocados that you've artificially "ripened" in an oven, that's blasphemy.

Are you Gordon Ramsay?

>3 avocados
>1/4 cup minced red onion
>1/4 cup minced red chili
>1 clove minced garlic
>juice of 1 lime (squeeze it thoroughly)
>1/4 cup chopped cilantro
>1 tsp salt
>1 tsp black pepper
>few dashes of pepper sauce (Tabasco)

Fuck all the purists and people who want to argue what guacamole "really" is or what is "authentic," you wanted something that tastes good and this is it.

You should coursely mash your avocado before added the rest in so you don't mash your stuff. If you want to add tomato, chop the tomato and take out all the goopy bits and put the tomato on top, don't mix into the guac.

I'm Mexican and can confirm this is the true recipe of guacamole.

>chopped
>not ground
Mexican my ass.

Smashed avocados and a little bit of salt and lime juice. If you put anything red in it, (which stupid noobs do a lot like some tapatio etc.) it will turn grey since green and red mixed turn to a neutral color. Nice to know for mixing paints and you want brown or grey, but guess what? Guac should be a bright beautiful green. I always refuse guac at a party if some shit cook made it and it is grey because they threw salsa in it or some other moronic thing. Keep it simple stupid.

This dude is a fucking retard. Never put a red pepper sauce in guac as it will take away from the color of the bright green acovado. red and green are complimentary colors and if mixed they will make grey and brown neutral colors. Only listen to red sauce into guac fags if you want to hand the girl a bowl of diarrhea.

>i'm actually a guacamole god among mere mortals

Is that because you're good at getting your shit mashed in really well?

This is a good recipe for fancy chunky guac with extra flavors. just please never listen to a /cuck/ who puts red sauces in. Diced tomatoes are okay, because their color will remain separate from the avacado's green and not turn it brown or grey.

don't fuckin' refrigerate it, make it fresh before she come over. avocado quickly turn brown in the fridge. If you absolutely have to refrigerate, push the ceran wrap down so it is touching the guac and there is no air between the plastic and the guac. Then when you take it out, inspect for any oxidized spots that turned brown on the surface and spoon that shit off of it. The guac underneath should be beautiful and bright green.

It turns grey and brown from oxidation you retard, not because you're mixing pigments.

You're a dumb fuck, go test it faggot, put red sauce into smashed avocado and see the color change you ignoramous. get the fuck off of Veeky Forums if you are commenting without enough personal experience to back up your claims. it turns brown from oxidation and it also turns brown or grey from adding red sauce exactly as mixing paint pigments would because it's basically the same fucking thing dipshit. Go fuck yourself.

also adding mayo or sour cream is going to dull your bright beautiful green avocado so don't do that shit either.

>it turns brown from oxidation and it also turns brown or grey from adding red sauce exactly as mixing paint pigments would because it's basically the same fucking thing dipshit.

My fucking sides

>adding 1/8th teaspoon red pepper sauce to 2 cups green avocados will make the green avocados brown
Are you baiting me? Is this bait?

Well, OP? Did you get some guac in her bowl or what?

Girl at bar does not care about guac, bars are terrible places to meet girls, best bet is to follow through with the joke, wait by the door masturbating, as she approaches swing it open and bust a nut all over her face, look her deep in the eyes and say "i'm actually a guacamole god among mere mortals and I'd have you taste the best guac known to man"

I miss the gratuitous swearing. New ysac is too family friendly.

Skip the cilantro, not everybody likes it. A lot of us hate it.

>cumin is fucking great
Right, definitely put some cum in, OP.

DOES THIS REALLY WORK?

Unpopular here, but I like basic:
Avocado
Salt and Pepper to taste
Just eat avocado, ya bastaads....
Double onion red pepper squish--shut da fuckkk uppp
You like avocado? Eat avocado. Avocado is enough,
even without any spices...

Put in extra cilantro. It's true that many people don't like cilantro but statistically speaking women like it A LOT more than men.

"Sorry, they didn't have any good Avocados at the store"