Fake Bacon

I love bacon because it's delicious and crispy, but I absofuckinglutely fucking hate cooking it.
What's the best bacon-like substitute that's crispy and tasty (and smokey/maple/brown-sugary) and good enough to put on a sandwich, but wont splatter grease all over the fucking place and make my entire house stink for a week?
It doesn't have to taste exactly like real bacon/pork at all.

Other urls found in this thread:

yupitsvegan.com/2016/04/18/vegan-rice-paper-bacon/
youtube.com/watch?v=5XZV2BcFaQ8
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Splattering only happens with cheap shitty bacon.

Here's the lowdown:
Oil/fat never splatters on its own. It splatters when water gets into it. Cheap bacon is made by injecting the meat with a smoke-flavored curing solution. That's where the water comes from. (check out the "how it's made" episode on bacon on youtube if you want to see the process).

Good bacon is dry-cured and smoked. This doesn't add any water to the bacon so it won't splatter when you cook it. It doesn't curl up and shrink as much either.

Stop buying shitty bacon and your splatter problems will vanish.

Lower the cooking temp or bake in the oven...

Thanks for keeping the thread alive.

Doesn't anyone have an answer to my actual question?

>Splattering only happens with cheap shitty bacon.
Fact. This guy is right. Think of them cheating you by having your bacon weigh about 50% more than it would without the solution.

Stop buying the national brands if you can but get the dry thick cut stuff, but if you have to:
center cut > regular
thick cut > thin cut

Expect to spend $9 or more for portions that might not even be a pound, but gosh the quality, will make you think wow, what have I been missing?

If you can't get the quality good stuff, then always cook your bacon within layers of paper towels in the microwave. Lay out about 5-6 slices (okay if the touch a bit because of shrinkage) between a base of 4 sheets of quality paper towels above and below the layer, on a large plate. Just throw out the greasy paper towels when you're done. Easy fast cleanup. You can even do two layers of bacon at once if you have a good microwave, not some small dorm kind.

Fake bacon? Sizzlean? Turkey? It's all crap. It either has more fat, odd strange flavors or textures, or just nothing like it. If you want something lean and smoky, just buy good ham or luncheon meat. You can brown a ham steak til crispy edged, even hit it with some coffee for a pan gravy that browns it further. Fold your fried ham into a sandwich and enjoy a basic similar mood, but it's no BLT.

Coconut strips or flakes(bigger than the fine grated) tossed with liquid smoke, maple syrup, and s/p. Bake them in the oven. It's kind of an experience all it's own taste wise, while still similar to bacon. Also much easier cleanup wise per requested by op. A vegan friend of mine makes this often and I love it every time on a blt, salad, etc.

Do you not own a pan with a lid?

the cheap shit tastes better to me when it cooks down though i'm not even mad

Thanks a lot, I'll try that.

Try w/o pepper first. Not sure that's in the original recipe. Good luck, shouldn't disappoint

You can make bacon in the microwave. It actually comes out decent

Also the added fun of cleaning out the steamed grease that coats every inch of the inside of your microwave.

Rice paper bacon. yupitsvegan.com/2016/04/18/vegan-rice-paper-bacon/

Wow. I actually already have all the ingredients except liquid smoke.

Thanks, I'm definitely going to try this.

put a piece of paper towel on your plate, then lay your bacon on that, then lay another paper towel over that. microwave. comes out fine.

Wrap the bacon in a paper towel(s) and place it in a bowl (and cover with a lid if you want to be cautious). Works for me.

i had some really good fake bacon at a vegan restaurant. i'm pretty sure it was made from tempeh

try roasting oyster mushrooms (specifically grey). taste pretty similar to real bacon

How the fuck does that sound less complicated than just cooking bacon

Chef John's got you OP:
youtube.com/watch?v=5XZV2BcFaQ8

>The problem is you're poor, peasant!

Morningstar's fake bacon is pretty good. The "muscle" is firmer than the "fat" and the flavor's pretty close to the real deal. The only problem with it for me is that it gets really hard if you cook it for longer than it takes to heat it up.

first time I've seen a chef john recipe that looked truly bad

hahaha holy shit this is the stupidest post ive seen all year

I agree. Mushrooms are more related to animals than plants OP, it's probably the closest you're going to get

Because it's eggplant "bacon." You have been trolled.

beef navel is used in kosher cooking as a replacement for bacon

Just use a splatter guard. You could also buy pre cooked bacon and microwave it.

>ITT: Bacon evangelicals proselytize to keep OP from converting from the Holy Church of Bacon.

All of you ignored this part:
>make my entire house stink for a week
Regardless, this thread was clearly supposed to be about bacon alternatives, not bacon cooking tips.

Thank you to all of you who replied with a legitimate answer.

>make my entire house stink for a week
Having a house that smells like bacon is a good thing though...

It's a third of the standard "poor white trash" house scent.
the other thirds being, cat/dog shit/piss, and cheap laundry detergent.

Thinking about all those smells made me sad because that's an accurate description.

OP here. I just made a small batch of these and HOLY SHIT, they are awesome. Crispy and crunchy and delicious and easy/quick to make. The recipe was so simple that I can easily change it to suit my taste/mood.

Thank you so much for posting this.

Wow, Veeky Forums threads move slowly! I was going to suggest that pre-cooked bacon you can buy. You can microwave it under a paper towel and it's good for sandwiches.

open a window

>throwing away rendered bacon fat

This offends me on several levels. Firstly, bacon fat is culinary gold. Just a little bit in anything, especially vegetables, makes it much better. Secondly, it's almost sinful to waste such an easy to use and delicious part of an animal that died to feed you. Thirdly, if you're poor and can't afford expensive bacon, why the fuck would you throw away calories? Fats are essential nutrients to humans, and bacon fat is one of the best tasting fats. Lastly, microwaved bacon kind of sucks. This is only a minor thing because I don't really care if people suck at cooking.

Isn't there a kind of microwave-safe bacon plate out there that you can just use one paper towel over to prevent splattering, but still collect the fat with? I think I've seen one at someone's house.

Ah. Here we go.

Even if you just feed the fat to your dog or make suet cakes for birds with it, at least you're not wasting it.

Normally it is against the laws of nature to cook a protein in the Microwave (except maybe eggs?) but it works really well with bacon. My sister got me one of these baconwaves as a joke and I tried it out and it is at least as good as cooking bacon in the oven. easy to use, easy to clean.

Huh. So do you have to impale the two ends of each strip prior to cooking?

I imagine you just lay the strips in the slots and then shove the dowel through after

But I don't own a microwave, or a television, or a death cage (please note, I used to own a death cage, which obviously had a manual transmission since I am not a child, but I sold it when I realized how morally abhorrent they are).

I also don't own any stainless steel knives, quartz watches, or shoes with non-leather soles. All of my music is on physical media which I purchased, over time, before all record stores disappeared.

And needless to say my bikes are all either good quality Japanese, British, or Italian steel, and not aluminum or carbon or some awful American garbage steel. And before you start with the "but True Temper", please try to remember that they stopped selling bicycle tubing in favor of golf clubs. Golf. Basically the worst sport ever.

At any rate as far as the bacon cooking goes, a sufficiently thick slice and starting on a cold pan is all you need, this isn't magic. The reason thin slices and hot pans fuck things up is that you need to render some of the fat first so when the protein starts to contract and some parts of the bacon lift off the pan, there's enough fat to maintain contact and it cooks evenly.

Here I saved you all some time and got the fedora image.

is this OC? i can't recall this as pasta

I didn't type all that out just to be accused of copy pasting it out of some meme generator site. Go fuck yourself.

Take your meds, aspie.

Don't feel bad. Every time I type more than 3 coherent sentences in a post, some imbecile chimes in about it being pasta.

Wegmans has decent center cut for only 2-3 dollars more

saved

My mother used to batter and bake it in the oven. Dishes were a bitch though

Half those people DID offer legitimate answered about how to make bacon NOT "stink," but you decided to ignore them. Good fucking job.

Of course, if you had a vent hood worth a shit then you wouldn't NEED to worry about bacon smell anyways.

Read the OP and quote the part where he ask how to make bacon not stink.

I'll wait....

OP might have thought he needed a bacon substitute, but that was just OP being closed-minded and thinking that a substitute was the only option.

We explained how to make bacon neither splatter nor stink.

Looks like OP got what he wanted despite you guys thinking you knew what he wanted better than he did.

We did know what OP wanted better than he did. OP said clearly that he loved bacon. And his complaints were easily addressed without giving up the bacon.

I believe that if eat in moderately then all will ok

>All of you ignored this part:
>make my entire house stink for a week
Regardless, this thread was clearly supposed to be about bacon alternatives, not bacon cooking tips.


No even if they get fale bacon and cook it at too high a temperature their house is going to smell the same...