Maybe I'm just a fucking retard...

It's in the OP, holy fuck

I feel your pain user. I don't want to sound pretentious or anything, but I don't follow recipes. As long as you know the direction you want to go, cooking without a recipe is really easy.

Start with aromatics and meats, get the tastes right, mix and eat.

Always try your food as you cook it, and if it turns out shitty, remember what went wrong and don't fuck it up next time.

As for your dish you have sitting in a pan right now, mix some tomato sauce or something in there and eat that shit.

allrecipes.com/recipe/11973/spaghetti-carbonara-ii/

Right there. Pic related is the fucking picture they put at the top of the page, when that is clearly NOT HOW IT FUCKING LOOKS

THIS IS HOW IT LOOKS IF YOU FOLLOW THAT STUPID FUCKING RECIPE

You put the eggs in too soon. When you take the spaghetti from the pot and put it in the skillet with the bacon and garlic, don't have the skillet on heat and don't pour the eggs in immediately. Wait about 20 seconds for the pasta to cool slightly, then add eggs.

When you toss it, the eggs should coat it in a thick, sticky glaze - they shouldn't look "cooked". After tossing it with the eggs, add the cheese.

>This

Scroll down to the bottom and use chef John's recipe next time

You might have the tism

>Maybe I'm just a fucking retard.
probably. you clearly missed the part where it says "8 servings", so you could clearly have reduced the amount you made proportionally. you apparently undercooked your pasta, since it's not cooked properly and you overcooked your eggs. i will add the bacon doesn't look that crisp, either. also, you seem to have forgotten the pepper.

so yea, you'll either learn and get better or just be a failure at life and common sense. either way.

>he scrambled the eggs

Listen, you're going to make mistakes when cooking. That's how you learn to be a better cook. The more you cook, the more finesse you'll develop, until eventually you won't fuck up a simple dish like carbonara, and then you can move on to fucking up more complicated recipes. Don't blame it on the recipe, it's only there to guide you.

You're supposed to constantly be tossing the pasta when you add the egg and cheese so it doesn't just clump up like it obviously did
Maybe you should just stick to take out and fast food OP or hot dogs and instant noodles if you think you can handle it

This. Carbonara shouldn't have garlic, onion or parsley in it, and most of the reviewers giving it 5 stars say shit like "I added cream/italian seasoning/white wine to it" or altered the amounts. Fucking worthless cunts with easy-to-please husbands.

But the other anons are right about the egg being overdone, it shouldn't scramble.

Look for Cook's Illustrated recipes. they are tested and work.

i don't know how you can spend 90 minutes preparing pasta, though. it takes 10 minutes to heat up water, and 10 minutes to cook the pasta.

Too much pasta and also you scrambled your eggs. Next time just watch a video on how to make carbonara, it's a simple dish but also simple to fuck it up which you clearly did.

Carbonara should definitely have garlic.

Anyway, how did OP spend 1.5 hours making it? You literally boil some pasta, cook the bacon and garlic in the same time the pasta is cooking, then toss together with egg, cheese, and pepper. Shit takes like 20 mins MAX.

My stove is all fucked up and it barely sizzles bacon even when it's on high. It didn't use to do this, I don't know what's wrong. The bacon took a very long time.

>carbonara should have garlic

Can you shut the fuck up with that shit, please?

The only thing wrong with the recipe is them saying to "cook the eggs with the pasta". You should make your egg parmesean mixture, then when pasta is done, drain, shake, toss in a bowl, toss the sauce in, mix and mix until coated. The heat of the pasta will have cooked the egg but not scrambled it.

Stop following recipe instructions like a dogma and use your intuition. Learn how to actually cook, in other words. You'll thank yourself in the end.

Your egg started scrambling because you left it on the heat too long.

1) Put pasta on boil
2) slowly fry pancetta/bacon
3) once cooked al dente, take frying pan off heat
4) Add Spaghetti to slightly cooler frying pan, add egg mix and a little pasta water (I mean a little)
5) Stir
6) Egg won't scramble
Voila

I didn't even check the recipe to know that you cooked that pasta with too much bacon lard. Separate the crispy bacon, wipe then add in olive oil to cook pasta. Add bacon later. The taste is suppose to be light. I'm a chef at heart. I don't even know this recipe but I know food.

Fuck off sperg.
Garlic is perfectly acceptable in carbonara and some of the older pre WW1 recipes call for it specifically.
Your autism is fucking irritating.

>add in olive oil to cook pasta
Italians just cried at this post

Anyone who thinks he knows the "Authentic [Add Dish here]" is a tryhard idiot. Go to italy, go different parts of the country and you WILL be served it differently each time. Regional variants.
That is what cuisine does you fucking amateur. You are trying to sound clever, but you are not, you are too inexperienced to know shit from shit. Learn humility.

That said, people don't usually put garlic in it, but it DOES taste better that way. To each his own.

You're a faggot. It ain't chow mein. You don't need to fry that shit.

Eggs

>fully cooked in the pan
>overdone on the plate

>love garlic
>discover carbonara
>sometimes mince an entire head of garlic
>gf dubbed it garlic-nara
>dont give a fuck
>beyond delicious

>carbonara
>no cream; bacon in place of pancetta; no garlic; no parsley; no pepper
never
EVER
going to fucking make it

>cream
>in a fucking carbonara

you have no idea what you're talking about, don't you?

Do they mean a pound of cooked or uncooked spaghetti? Either way that's way too little cheese and bacon, throw in some pecorino and giancuale, mix the raw eggs and cheeses and precooked bacon in a bowl, toss with nearly drained pasta, add parsley and fucktons of black pepper. Skip the onion.

It's one of my favourite pasta dishes but easy to fuck up with wrong proportions and I never write mine out.

Cream-adding fags need to die though.

Carbonara is hard to make right user

youtube.com/watch?v=3AAdKl1UYZs

Watch this to know how to actually make carbonara, not shitty American variants. As a cook you should start getting a feel for portion sizes and ingredients instead of following recipes like dogma, especially ones online.

>Parsely
>Decoration
Pleb.

Eat a bullet, fuckface. People can put whatever they want in their food.

That'll teach you to make those boiled dough recipes from those retarded wop's.

I think you should have omitted the first word in the first paragraph.

>it tastes like raw fucking spaghetti

THEN YOU SHOULDVE FUCDKING COOKED IT YOU FUCKTARD

>Search for spaghetti alla carbonara recipes in Italian
>Every single recipe contains only guanciale, pecorino romano, eggs and black pepper
>Search in English
>Every recipe is different and contains random nonsense
Really sends the brain down the lane.

First of all, you fucked it up bro. Second of all, the recipe you linked doesn't look like it would be good even if done correctly (which you definitely didn't).

As for why it got so many favorable ratings... I guess there are just a lot of people out there satisfied with crap recipes. I'm not really familiar with allrecipes.com so I dunno what their standards are like, but if that's the kind of stuff that is considered 4 and 1/2 stars on there, then I would suggest using a different site.

But yeah, you clearly fucked it up. I mean like egregiously fucked it up, and if you can't see that then you are retards.

Allrecipes has no standards. It's a computer program that gathers any and all recipes that it can find and posts them and makes money by serving up ads.

Nobody in their right mind should ever use that site.

>But I followed the fucking directions EXACTLY.
Like an autist.

If the recipe calls for a cooking time of eight minutes but your particular brand of sketti takes nine minutes of cooking time on your stove, with your pot at your altitude - THEN FUCKING COOK IT LONGER YOU SPERGLORD!

Any recipe is approximate and subject to changes in conditions, variation of ingredients and personal taste. It is not a perfect substitute for knowing how to fucking cook.
Order tendies next time.

>Not adding garlic to literally everything
Look at this fucking pleb here

Why did you make so much of it? When trying new recipe you always make half or quarter of quantities in case you fuck up **like you just did**

I don't see how it could taste bad even if you did undercook the pasta and over cook the egg. Just eat it you cunt, stop whining.

maybe OP has a family of four

or maybe he's just a retard and decided he wanted to eat a lb of spaghetti alone

don't cook a POUND of shit unless you know it's good, dumbo!

OP, you have to learn to fail every now and then. Only this way can you start learning how to cook restaurant meals at home (for cheap).

Bro serious? You scrambled the egg, this is a classic instance of someone just being a retard. Turn it right down before you add the egg, even take it off the heat if you have to and use the residual heat to thicken sauce. What you have there is spaghetti and scrambled eggs my retarded friend.

OP fucked up but allrecipes recipes tend to be shit, even when you have some cooking sense and when eyeballing the ingredients they look like they work together.

Theres always way too much of something, too little of something else, an important step left out, or the times/temps are all fucking wrong.

I now only follow recipes from a few different sources, mostly food wishes, cooking with dog, serious eats, bon apetit, and a few others I've added to my rss feed

looks still quite alright
forget the eggs, errare humanum est
I would eat the whole pan I guess

Those that shouldn't cook, watch the Food Network.
Tip: buy a legit cookbook that meets your cooking skills. Take time and read through some good recipe books out there - you'd be surprised and maybe pick up pro like tips along the read!
Bon appetito

but didn't you know? olive oil is great for literally everything you could possibly make.

It says one pound of spaghetti right in the first sentence and yet you fuck up immediately by doubling the recipe and bitching that it doesn't have any flavor.

Should have used your brain and not used to much skett. Or asked Veeky Forums kek

>Make pork/garlic/whatever
>Add cooked noodle
>Put in bowl
>Add egg/cheese/pepper/whatever
>Mix together
>Add pasta water until desired consistency is achieved

Wala

You weighed the spaghetti after you cooked it right? A pound of cooked spaghetti?

Ok, you're clearly shit at text recipes -- and that's fine. Just stick to youtube videos. If they're well done, you'll be able to see each step of the cooking process and you'll also be aware of what it SHOULD look like going along.

If you can stomach her voice Laura Vitale is pretty good for simple Americanized Italian recipes.

>Laura Vitale
meh her recipes are fairly crap

They are, but it's usually better than the housewife shit found on allrecipes.

I usually go for Serious Eats or CookingInRussia, but clearly OP can't handle cooking yet.

eat it anyway (add more cheese or something)

Your problem is you just scrambled your eggs, and the recipe probably meant a pound of cooked spaghetti, which is a lot less than a pound of dry spaghetti due to the water absorption. So you ended up with a shitload of spaghetti with bits of scrambled egg and bacon mixed in.

Actual carbonara is supposed to be spaghetti with a bacon fat and egg sauce. Watch Chef John's video

youtube.com/watch?v=vSRZRp2Ovqc

Buy foods you like and then cook the ones that don't contrast badly (like sweet / salty) together dumb ass. For example: rice beans and steak with taco sauce. It's so easy to invent edible recipes.

People are idiots and think that because bacon tastes good it's a genius recipe to put it on whatever and post it on the internet. As in you know what's better than a cream cheese bagel? A CREAM CHEESE BAGEL WITH BACON, OH MY GOD I NEED TO POST MY INVENTION ON THE INTERNET! People can be such dumb asses.

/thread

A large part in what makes a decent cook in this day and age is an ability to recognize retarded housewife-tier recipes and discard them. I'm immediately suspicious of anything from Allrecipes, Pinterest is usually retarded, and any flowery blog with overly positive writing goes into the trash.

Your recipe sucked.

But you also sucked by picking a recipe above your skill level since you fucked up them eggs something fierce.

>12" pan
>1 lb. spaghetti
You do realize that you need a bigger pan for this, right? It's going to be really hard for a beginner to not scramble the eggs in such a small pan.

>it must be the 2 thousand people's fault
>i couldn't have possibly done anything wrong!

you did it wrong retard, recipes are loose guidelines to give you a basic foundation, you're to cook it to your own personal taste anyway, Veeky Forums has said this shit 10000 times to niggas like youm
tl;dr: you did it wrong and you are retarded.

Yeah they can, but don't fucking call it what it's not. Don't slap a headlight on a bicycle handle and call it a car. Jesus Christ.

You're retarded

Don't ever just look at one recipe. They often assume you know certain things. For example, you didn't know that you weren't suppose to let the eggs scramble, so you ended up with dry pasta and fully cooked eggs rather than letting the egg be the sauce.

if it's your first time, you might need someone to be there with you when you just drop raw yolks into spaghetti before eating it.

Stop using allrecipes.com like a useless piece of shit. Use a real site to get recipes from. Have you ever looked at the bottom tier garbage trailer trash mom cant cook and uses instant everything recipes they have on that website? Its mostly shitty women that cant cook putting up recipes that dont work and even the recipes that work theres idiots posting comments that show you how clueless people really are. Seriously that website should be taken down and the old ass stupid people who post recipes there should be shot and put in a shallow grave. Theres just shitty "home made X" which uses storebought ingredients and its considered home made because they slop that shit in a dish or bake part of it. Its WA LA cuisine and its not a joke. Some recipes are just bible belt bullshit food you would find on the back of a pillsbury package with a little stupid flare to make it "home made" and "authentic". I tried to use several recipes from that site and they all turned out like garbage. You know why. Because people think that recipe is good food. Literally human people think those recipes are good. Save yourself user, go get a proper recipe from another site and try it again and never go back to allrecipes, unless you want to eat shit food and convince yourself its good like all those other useless excuses for human beings.

>following a recipe by the book and not adapting it heavily to your actual knowledge, the size of your kitchen, the fact that you're in electric and not induction, your pans, etc etc etc etc ad infinitam

Serves you right.

He's right you know.

this is hilarious OP

Not Op, but this is called constructive criticism which is rarely found here..
Normally I'd say be nice to op but to go off like he did for something so dumb i get how it triggered 1/2 of Veeky Forums.

Gold star for you user.

The difference between OP and that picture is that OP isn't a professional photographer who sprays wax and uses perfect lighting on sphaghetti to trick retards into thinking that's how it'll look

>But I followed the fucking directions EXACTLY.

There's your first problem right there. A recipe is a guideline, dude. You've got to be able to look at the ingredients of a recipe and tweak it to your own tastes. Cooking times are useless, as whatever it is you're cooking, is done when it's done. The only recipes that require a fairly strict adherence are baking recipes, as the water / flour / yeast ratio's are important to get right for whatever it is you're baking, but even those need tweaking to match your conditions.

> using allrecipes.com/recipe for recipes

There's your second problem.

If you want to prepare a dish, check out multiple recipes for the same dish, and then look for some good youtube vids of how it's prepared.

From what I've seen, allrecipes is pretty much ass.

>11973 servings

It needs a good drizzle of garlic infused olive oil or whatever. Then maybe spritzes of parm cheese.
That, is not unsalvagable. There's tons you can do to blend or add flavor.

Now I appreciate that this is your first time cooking this dish OP, and you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. But why on earth didn't you just make less? Are you that dense that you couldn't just halve everything and make a smaller batch? There is no secret cooking knowledge involved in making the right amount of food, it's just common sense.

It looks like its your fault OP.
When I find recipes online I always check the written reviews to see how people cooked it, sometimes people add delicious things and modify it based on complaints/problems. Has always come out good for me. Do you use a food scale for measurements?

You scrambled the egg. You need to turn the heat off, the pasta should be hot enough.

Also NEVER, EVER follow online recipes exactly. Use your brain and eyes a little. Watch what's happening in the pan, and adjust accordingly. I can't tell you how many recipes tell you retarded shit like putting in your garlic the same time as the onions (which a lot of the time you don't want to do), or cooking times that leave you with either burnt food or raw food. Watch some videos of people who know what they're doing and just learn by trial and error.

This short 2 minute video is pretty good, it's how I make my 'nara.

youtu.be/_4QSt7pqpsE

>allrecipes.com/recipe/11973/spaghetti-carbonara-ii/
>parmesan
>not parmigiano reggiano
>not beating the eggs with the cheese and shit tonnes of black pepper

this recipe is trash. GARLIC and ONIONS? fuck off

If you didn't have a pan to fit it, you should of halved the recipe.

>MUH TWO THOUSAND