Cooking disasters

To be fair they're literally retarded for using a glass to hold up a shelf, and you're literally retarded for not noticing it was stuck and just yanking it out.

>Be 15
>Parents are out shopping and on an anniversary date
>I get hungry and decide I'll try my hand at cooking some bacon sandwiches
>Throw bacon in the frying pan, turn stove on
>Come back after 5 minutes, bacon is still cold and raw
>Go to grab frying pan handle
>I had turned the wrong section of the stove on, so the handle was above the hot stove
>Instant agony as super heated handle is now in my hand
>Had to go to the hospital for treatment

And that's how I learned never to leave the handle over another part of the stove. Still got the scars on my hand for it.

>be me, 12-14
>always loved cooking with mommy
>try to impress her by making an omelette
>cayenne seems good
>the filtered cap underneath the lid comes off with the lid
>cayenne fucking everywhere
>whipe stove and counter and sweep floor for good boy points
>all over my palms
>blow on my hands
>instant burning. Panicking that im going blind.

>Be 19
>Making Christmas dinner for my family for the first time
>Prep everything ahead of time , don't want to fuck up my first Christmas dinner
>Christmas day, have a few drinks then go to put turkey in the oven
>Ohshit.png
>Turkey is so big that it is sat an inch off of the bottom of my oven and is touching all other sides
>Drink a bottle of rum while the turkey is in the oven
>Chop a lump of finger off while prepping salad
>Serve up at about 10pm
>Food was amazing
>Never found the piece of finger i chopped off

that's some serious fucking mr. bean shit right there. I like it.

my dad did this. cleavered off the tip of his index finger. for some reason it grew back like he was a fucking lizard?

Finger tips do that. Pretty much the only part that does.

chopped mine off with a bb gun
they had to sew it back on and stick a rod through the bone

I took hot sauce to the eyes once. I pulled chicken off of a hot wing and it was like a small sapling when you bend it over, the piece flicked back and toward me and a glob of hot sauce shot right into my eyeball. That was an interesting 15 minutes.

I did this but the opposite. I was making cornbread while living in China and confused salt for sugar. All of my Chinese friends were being very polite about the cornbread and then I tried it

>shitty ikea cabinet
>open it to take a plate
>one of those shitty plastic wedge thing to hold the rack / shelf gives up
>whole shelf collapses
>end up with 10 broken plates around me and meat burning on the stove

Classic.

Yeah finger tips do that. Managed to fuck mine with a cutter once. Though you should never ever remove the skin even if it's just loosely hanging on your mess of a finger. I did and the doc told me it was a stupid move, considering the skin acts a a natural bandage.

>be me, home alone back in my young days
>go to some house party, get really drunk
>no qt tonight, just drunk and hungry
>head back home, the sun is almost up, total daylight, it's like 5 in the morning (viking master race reporting in)
>got some premade burgers in the fridge
>heat ut frying pan and add a good amount of butter to it, let it melt, heat on 7 of 10
>get burgers from fridge, throw them in the pan
>added pepper, caynne powder and also added some chopped up chilis
>black out
>wake up on the couch in the living room
>feeling totally fucked, my vision is all blurry
>realise the blurriness is smoke
>the whole living room is engulfed in thick whie smoke
>engage panic mode
>run to the kitchen, frying pan on, burgers are reduced to small pebbles, pan is melting
>take a last look at the burgers through the smoke, no chance in hell that they're edible
>put on some mittens, grab the pans handle and toss it out the window
>open up all the vindows in the house
>didnt die of cO2 poisoning

op here, I did this about 3 weeks ago on a vegetable cutter and cut a half inch groove in my fucking thumb and they couldn't sew it because it was a pit rather than a straight laceration.

>overheat oil
>fireball happens
>think water is my friend
>mfw

I wish I had one as amazing as some in here (or rather I'm glad I don't)

>Christmas this past year
>Friends over
>We start cooking
>Everything goes fine
>I put remaining turkey bones/meat into pot, begin cooking it into soup
>set timer by recipe
>we go downstairs to play games
>after half of the time is up, decide to check on it
>see thick smoke everywhere
>oh shit
>the remains are a smoking black mess in the pot, all the water is gone leaving burnt on turkey meat and bones
>smell is terrible
>takes hours to clear out all the smoke
>pot ends up being impossible to salvage, have to replace it
>smell takes a full-scale HEPA air filter to remove, even that takes weeks to clear
>all the while not sure why the smoke alarm never went off when you could have cut a scooby-doo fog donut out of the thick air

Out of curiosity I decided to taste a bit of the less charred turkey meat. Shit tasted like how 'New Car' smells. Worst thing I've ever tasted.

I know, I was around 10 when it happened and my cousin was there when it happened and he booked it when the pan just exploded. of course, this was long before I knew to smother the fire rather than dowsing it with water.

>decide to fry some tater tots
>leave for a few minutes to hit the bowl
>almost burned my house down over tots
maybe, but I have another theory. Maybe it was because you were getting high when you should have been watching the stove? Personally I have burnt many oven pizzas doing the same thing but totally forgetting about the pizza, getting high, listening to music. Then I smell the pizza that is charred black because I put it in an hour ago and forgot I was cooking.

You did the right thing.

>bake some delicious fresh bread
>slice a piece, sort of ragged
>put it in the toaster
>push the toaster handle down
>go to the bathroom
>come back to flaming toaster

Fortunately it hadn't set the wooden cabinet that it was underneath on fire yet. Still, went and bought a fire extinguisher the next day.

Protip: cheap toasters turn on whenever the internal rack is pushed down, no matter whether it's being held down by the internal mechanism or by a ragged piece of bread getting trapped under the cosmetic shell.

Or 's father is one of the Lizard People.

>not sure why the smoke alarm never went off

Batteries or just plain fucked. Hope you had the sense to replace it, but OTOH this *is* Veeky Forums. . . .

funny thing is I never did anything, and a few weeks later it went off from just a little smoke coming off of some oil. Guess it got its shit together.

This stuff is the reason I have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen.

this, finger tips can grow back if you only lose a small bit.

>8 years-old
>baking oatmeal cookies on my own to surprise parents for anniversary
>use 1 tbs salt instead of tsp
>they really were surprised

>university sharehouse
>literally a nerd haven
>we're all various vidya nerds, with 1 drug dealer housemate and 1 welfare guy
>welfare guy was late 20's
>literally the embodiment of the movie Falling Down
>supposedly worked a 9-5 in corporate until "corporate espionage" cost him his career
>is constantly wasted, drinking red wine out of a coffee mug
>always listens to the doors while smacking the kitchen counter with a dishcloth, laughing maniacally
>otherwise a really nice, friendly guy once you got to know him
>one day he asks us how to cook frozen dim sims (kind of like chinese-style dumpling things we have in Australia)
>tell him to just put them in the microwave for a couple of minutes
>an hour later we smell burning plastic
>run downstairs
>our stack of 3 microwaves (don't ask why we had 3) is on fire
>we put it out, open the door
>melted/burned puddle of plastic with black charred ex-dim sim nuggets sitting in the middle of it
>we fire questions at him right away
>"oh I didn't know how long so I put them in for 45min and went to the shops to buy some cigs"
>our faces when

he also managed to burn water once when trying to make some frozen vegetables.

welfare guy sounds like a fucking legend

honest, despite his quirks he was. nearly all of our best university memories involve him someway somehow. Next story is kind of Veeky Forums related so I'll post

>5 of us other housemates come back from doing a group shopping run
>finish unloading the food into the kitchen/fridge/pantry
>martial arts bro notices an extension cord going out the back window
>"yo where's welfareguy?"
>we get to the backyard
>he's got an electric breadknife attached to 3 extension cords
>climbed up a huge tree
>hanging off of the branch THAT HE'S CURRENTLY TRYING TO CUT
>"welfareguy WTF are you DOING!?"
>"It was cold so I decided to get us some more firewood"

>>burns through and falls into the basement
What the fuck is this? Fukushima?

Livers do that as well. Don't go trying to cut up your own liver.

well at least you got trips

Satanic trips, tho.

Don't give me any encouragement. I've got a metabolic problem with mine, at this point I either need to have 3/4ths of it removed or just shoot myself.

...

MORE WELFAREGUY!

i'm fucking dying holy shit

>cooked eggs for breakfast
>have breakfast
>sunday, have a drink after breakfast.
>have a smoke on the balcony
>chill with housemates on balcony
>get thirsty, better get another beer
>holy fuck, water's gone, eggs black/glowing red
>smoke everywhere
>let dragons eggs cool down, throw away, pot done for
>open all windows
>have another beer. it's sunday after all.

fine, those were the best 2 stories though

>one of the nerd housemates wants to make a water cooling system for his PC
>decides to buy a 2nd hand broken fridge for $5 from some guy
>we rip the radiator part off the back off the fridge within a few minutes
>mission successful
>wat do now?
>welfareguy suggests we destroy the fridge
>we get drunk and raid the tool shed for implements
>hack the fucking fridge to smithereens with all sorts of hand and powertools for fun
>back veranda is a foot deep in insulation foam and jagged metal
>fucking lightbulb from inside the fridge survives somehow
>welfareguy finds a fucking scythe in the landlord's shed
>shit's rusted to fuck
>goes for a fucking massive backswing
>we all get flashbacks to his nightly "smacking the counter with a teatowel, cackling while listening to the doors drunk on coffee mug red wine
>smashes the flouro light
>breaker goes off and cuts the power to the house
>our faces when the psycho nearly electrocuted himself cuz he got a bit too zealous with his backswing
Epilogue:
>a month later, lightning strikes the house directly during a storm
>we lose all of our lan cable, 2 PCs, 4 monitors, a keyboard and a modem to the strike
>no big deal
>engineer housemate hooks our vampire housemate up with his 4th spare PC which he made from the fridge cooling system
>he used a fishtank pump to pump the water through the heatsink he made from scratch
>vampiric housemate had to go pee literally every 15mins ever since from the constant dripping/water/pump noise while his PC was running
>our faces when

University is fun in Australia. I miss welfareguy, last we heard he hooked up with some -1/10 fatty, moved away and hasn't been heard from since. We're pretty sure he's probably died. If that's the case RIP welfareguy.

kek

farewell, welfare guy. may he ride his scooter into the sunset

another story from that house, but not involving welfareguy but instead our mouse problem

>have mice in the house
>winter
>hard as shit to get rid of them
>leave traps everywhere
>martial arts bro makes a mousetrap out of a shoe box and an extension cord
>puts the 2 wires on either side of a hole
>cheese inside of the box
>what could pawwwsibily go wrawwwng?
>puts it under his desk where he normally sits barefoot at the computer
>few days later we're all cooking/drunk in the kitchen, typicaly university housemate shit
>open the pantry to get some rice or someshit
>the fucking mouse is RIGHT FUCKING THERE on the shelf
>shelf is 5ft off the ground
>mouse goes for the epic leap of faith
>nails the landing
>or so we thought
>it scurries 2ft across the kitchen floor
>bends in half
>dies on the spot
>our faces when
>threw the mouse's body in the fire and gave Parkour Mouse a proper burial

not greentext worthy, but also once in that house we let the dishes go so bad for so long that we had to take them all out to the driveway and blast them with a high pressure hose, like what you use to clean houses and strip paint with.

Lesson learned: only have as many dishes in the kitchen as you actually need. If you have 25 plates, 30 bowls, 5 cutting boards etc between 6 people they'll just stack up. The wooden cutting boards were thick with mold and had to be thrown away.

I know that one. a dozen people, big house, one kitchen. cleaned twice per week, kind of worked taking turns, but every other day its just a fucking mess. sink always full, never a free pot, always moths and shit flying around bc somebody left his cereal open for 12 friggin months... had most of my stuff in my room.

thank fuck we had different bathrooms.

CO2 or foam?

you know if you hang a bag of water in the kitchen it repells fruitflies

or just don't fuck up and start a fire in the first place? it's always worked for me. just sayin'.

>gonna pour what I assume is cool oil from a pan into a container to throw out later
>oil is actually hot
>oil is poured over my hand instead of container
>intense pain, literally see skin boil
>hand under cool water and then let it sit in ice water
>feels like it's sitting in near boiling water
>but out of water feels like fucking fire so deal with it
>no doctor just pain pills and keep it clean
>year later little scarring but still remember that shit

glass of water with a tiny squirt of dishsoap works even better, didn't matter. those bastards were everywhere, even though there never was any fruit (a dozen of guys, who'd eat fruit?)
fruit flies werent even the worst, those pesky food moths were. they spread to your own stuff sooner or later if you share the same cupboards with "infected" dry goods

>cut off chunk of index finger/nail
>cut off chunk of thumb/nail
>next to no scars
Lizard people are best people.

>at friends house, he's cooking bacon
>he pours hot bacon grease down his bathroom sink
>bacon grease clogs sink and melts a hole in the pipe
>tries to run the tap and water goes all over the floor
>decides to use boiling water to melt the now solid grease
>pours boiling water down the sink
>boiling water all over floor and his feet

>grease melts a hole in the pipe
whats its made out of, bread?

plastic, but the hole might have already been there

my old housemate used to drink milk out of really narrow glasses and then leave a small amount to fester in the bottom, I used to just throw the glasses away if I was washing up

did you just sit idly by laughing while your friend boiled water? or did you try to tell him its a not so smart idea?

My dad almost burned our house down by making toast late at night.

My parents had a bread cabinet that had a garage door rolling cover on it that went up and down. We kept the toaster and bread inside there.

Dad makes toast, puts the toaster away half assed, closes the sliding door, which presses down the toaster switch. He went to bed and left the toaster on the rest of the night.

In the morning the entire cabinet was black and the door was melting off. Could have been really bad.

As for personal cooking disasters, once I was making hollandaise with a pyrex bowl used as a double boiler on top of a metal pot. After whisking for 10 minutes the bowl just spontaneously exploded sending tiny shards of pyrex and hollandaise everywhere.

jesus christ, m8

>Making some meaty chili no beans
>Used too much molasses
I swear that shit was like half dried cement by the time I finished

>drunk as fuck trying to fry up some chicken
>put pan on stove and set it to high
>go outside to have a cig and end up talking to the neighbor for like 20 minutes
>come back in and put oil in the pan that had been sitting on high heat for 20 minutes
>pan bursts into flames and almost catches my kitchen on fire
>not sure what to but know well enough not to pour water on it
>take the flaming pan through the living room out the front door and throw it in the yard
>few minutes later the fire finally burns out
>fetch pan which is now totally scorched and ruined
Never cooking drunk again.

My father did that. My family traveled to beach (except him) and when we came back we found thick fumes escaping from all sides of roof. We also panicked thinking home caught fire, but in fact he blacked out while cooking potato with meat.

> Using a pressure cooker
> Blue and brown stains on it
> Debris building up inside safety valve

>Laundry room is next to kitchen
>Stove is a few feet away from laundry room
>Linoleum floors in both kitchen and laundry room
>Cooking an omelette
>See a dryer sheet on the floor, they fall out of the dryer sometimes and float into the kitchen
>Will pick it up later
>Omelette is halfway done
>Take a step over to get a plate out of the cupboards
>Step on dryer sheet
>It's like a banana peel in a cartoon
>Slip and fall
>Fling omelette against the far wall behind me
>Bash jaw on the stove, burning my chin and biting out a chunk of my lower lip and cracking my teeth
>Go to hospital
>Install new flooring in the kitchen months later

My very first attempt at cooking went exactly like a made-up greentext story

>I wanna eat eggs!
>can't find butter, but I found olive oil
>heat on max, fuck yeah, I piss while standing up
>crack eggs in
>FO SIZZLE MA NIZZLE
>try to wiggle the eggs around, end up breaking the yolks
>eggs break apart into pieces
>throw worcestershire sauce into the pan in an attempt to salvage shit
>it no work
>serve
>eat egg-balls sautéed in oil and worcestershire sauce

It was edible, but I wouldn't do that again.

Nowadays I cook my eggs in a dash of bacon grease and they taste like heaven.

I did sort of the same thing

>Mixing up some spicy chicken marinade
>Wondering if I went too heavy on the chilli
>Leave spoon in bowl while I turn around to check recipe book
>Turn back, put hand down on spoon handle
>Throw chilli marinade everywhere
>Marinade goes into both eyes and up nose
>Incoherent screaming leads to housemates charging into the kitchen because they thought I was literally dying
>Everyone on our street knocking on the door, concerned for well-being

Actually affected my ability to see out of one eye, it's always a little blurry these days.

Jesus. They're already par-fried, all you need to do is stick them in the oven. Fuck you doin', mayng?

>Making carbonara with friend at a mates place
>Recipe says pre heat the pan but I tell him not to because it's a gas stove
>I'm cutting up the bacon and shit when he tell's me he's going to add the oil
>mfw he had the gas on full
>mfw the second the oil hits the pan smoke is billowing everywhere

Alarms going off and the home owner comes running upstairs angry as shit cause he didn't want us cooking dinner in the first place.

My friends standing on a barstool with a towel trying to shut the fucking alarm off.

Phones ringing because the dude is rich af and has the fire alarm linked to the fire department, he's trying to tell them the code to stop the alarm or otherwise they legally have to send a truck. He's on the phone to his parents while everyones laughing and this fucking alarm wont stop ringing.

Everything gets sorted, he tilts off the face of the earth when we go back to cooking our meal, $90 pan in the bin.

You brought that upon yourself

Oh yeah I forgot about this one. Happened with my first gf circa 2005. 100% true story I swear to god.

>make habanero peach salsa for dinner
>eat dinner with gf
>go to bedroom later to watch movie
>proceed to have sex
>fingerbang her with habanero fingers even though I had washed my hands a few times since dinner.
>gf starts crying hysterically saying her pussy is burning
>say oh shit I touched habanero earlier!
>gf spends the next hour in the shower crying and trying to wash out her burning vagina
>gf mad the rest of the night
>no more sex and my dick was burning too but not that bad.
>the end

>Running late for work.
>Threw the last thing I had on the range.
>Hash browns.
>Fry up the hash browns on shitty electric range.
>Eternity.webm
>Spoon hashbrowns onto styrofoam plate.
>Stare at the small hoop of melted styrofoam that was once a plate.
>Stare at the floor where the hash browns landed in an oily mess.
>Go to work hungry.
>Go to work late.

> Be teenager
> Light old, winged gas stove using a disposable lighter
> Max out gas and put frying pan over the flame
> Watch TV at the kitchen
> Lighter lies at the very inner edge of the wing and the frying pan isn't centered well over the flame
> Mfw flame reaches lighter and starts to burn its plastic case.

Fortunately the lighter was pure Chinese garbage of the kind you throw away after a week. The plastic was so weak, therefore its fluid released/burnt very softly while releasing a strong scent of shoddy kerosene - rather than decompressing abruptly and exploding like a grenade.

>Put a pot on the oven with oil in it, turn the heat on and watch some videos while waiting
>Turn my head up from videos and see the pot smoking like crazy
>Walk up to it
>FWOOM!
>Fucking oil is on fire, and I start to panic,
>Pick the pot up, since I didn't want the flames to melt/burn the fan.
>Walk around my appartment, with a pot of fresh fire in my hand, trying to figure out what to do.
>"I'm gonna throw it out the window"
>Nowhere to put the pot, so I put on the floor
>Quickly open the window, pick the pot up and just drop it out the window.

That was pretty exciting. Everyone I told, asked me why I didn't just put a lid on it. And I guess that's a very good question.

Hahahahahahah! That's rich!

Your post made me remember a story I read on Henry Miller's "Tropic of Capricorn". Of course the story is ficcional but I can't help myself.

> Cheating wife is in bed with her (20 years younger) lover
> Lover is in adventurous mood, so he inserts a carrot in her buttocks
> All of a sudden, cuckold slams the bedroom door
> Slut wife gets so scared she farts, causing the carrot to fly in the bedroom and hit a wall before laying on the floor

>Cheating wife
>Carrot in the ass
This is a true cu/ck/ story.

Not entirely Veeky Forums related, but you reminded me of why I never try to prank anyone.

>April fools day one year
>put a bunch of salt on top of the sugar in the jar
>rubber band on the sink hose
>this'll be funny
>awhile later
>make myself some hot tea
>add sugar because dumb
>first sip, fuck that's nasty
>go to wash out mouth
>soaking wet and I startled myself
>why am I so dumb?

>Trying to make rice
>Hear you can do it in a microwave or some shit
>Internet tutorial says to put it in for like 20 minutes
>Cook something else on the stove
>Burning smell, open up microwave
>Ungodly amount of smoke pours from the microwave
>Rice is raw, water is gone, and on top of it all is some kind of shiny black mass

I could smell burnt rice for weeks

My dad has a story about when he was a line cook at a restaurant and was making salsa. The lid wasn't fully secured on the food processor as he was chopping peppers and it came off and launched a seed directly into his eye. He couldn't see right for days afterward.

Myself, this isn't Veeky Forums related in the slightest, but once when I was unscrewing a platform while striking a theater set, a screw launched itself into my eye and bounced off. It hit me with the top instead of the sharp bottom, otherwise I'd be blind.

>order pizza
>set time to MIDNIGHT
>midnight was 30+ minutes ago
>fairly certain they are idiots and think midnight = next day
>bout to rage
>starving
>no food in house

Bout to go down there first thing tomorrow, get my pizzas, if they don't offer some good compensation I'm doing a charge back and taking some free pizza.

youtube.com/watch?v=JE1Gvzxfm1E

>leaving a pan full of hot oil unattended
>leaving anything unattended over a kitchen fire
How fucking stupid can you be?

>decide to splash some water on it

Probably not a good idea to cook while high anymore user.

>about 6 years go
>making some popcorn
>pic related, we didn't have popper at time
>popcorn is done popping, peel away some of the foil, turn element off
>let that thing cool because it's hotter than the surface of the sun
>grab plastic bowl
>put plastic bowl over still hot reactor completely forgetting I just used it
>pour popcorn into bowl
>hell yeah motherfucker
>take bowl off and the bottom has melted with the element, leaving strings like cheese from a pizza behind, kitchen now smells like burnt plastic
>what popcorn didn't get fused with the plastic fell on the floor because of the now giant hole where the bottom of the bowl was.

You're supposed to eat the popcorn right out of that thing

Kek

>11 years old, heading to bed from basement
>dad's asleep on couch
>notice odd flickering in glass door adjacent to kitchen entrance
>investigate, tea kettle on stove is on fire
>panic, manage to put it out but melted plastic everywhere
>run to dad, shake him awake and tell him there was a fire in the kitchen
>he says "...okay..." and drifts back to sleep
>turns out he took a sleeping pill and then put on a kettle for tea

>8 years old
>mom is making some candy for desert
>see pot with molten candy
>stick my hand in like an autist
>my hand is entirely coated with this shit
>mom runs in yelling
>end up getting 3rd degree burns and scarred for the rest of my life

kek'd. Maybe he wanted to shake up some melted butter cream into it?

damn, is the scarring/damage still p. bad?

It's nearly faded, just shiny in some spots

>be 15 year old dipshit midwestern suburbanite
>cant cook for shit
>attempt to make omelette
>grease pan, put 3 eggs, cheese, and ham in all at once
>younger sister comes in
>"you need cream for eggs big bro"
>i listen to her advice, pour in cream
>but it was coffee creamer
>chocolate creamer
>i realize i fucked up, but continue forward
>because im a fatty and we dont waste food
>stir everything together
>it morphs into a nasty cheesy meaty 1/2 inch thick pancake the size of a traditional american dinner plate
>eat it
>sister barfs
>i have the shits for 3 days
>my family banned me from cooking for several years

Was making bacon and I left for 30seconds to take a piss. came back and the pan was shooting flames 4 feet tall. I moved the pan of the burner and the flame died down. I was so fucking scared.

I had a Pyrex dish explode on my stovetop because I tried to make gravy in it. This is before I learned that there are "good" Pyrex products with a different kind of glass and "bad" ones.

Bowls are easier.