My diary, tbh

quality cringe
>Let's fill the whole board with pseudo-ironic smut parading as intellectual content
>retards feel right at home, missing the initial ironic intent
>/pol/ starts crossposting
It's the same thing every time.

Shitposters of the world: Unite!

dec 14th, 2017 11:45 (ct)
ah, I want to commit a crime

i really like this somehow
You make your inner life sound like a Economy class

Reddit!

Here is the scourge of Veeky Forums!

The scourge that has claimed so many boards and now infects ours, like poison running through our veins!

hmm today I will ham
lol ham
ham
ham good

>tl;dr nothin personnel, kid

Well, I'm a stoic.

Holy.....

Actual diary:

12/12/2016
The exam was fucking hard I think I want to drop out. Getting money and just living life like my fellow plebs sounds nice.

Aujourd'hui, maman est morte.

holy shit man, you are exactly me. this is kinda weird, I don't know if I put it down anywhere, but for sure I was having these thoughts word by word. however, I'm sure this is something quite common.

now, I can try to help as much as I can, if you will read this. I tried to scrap as much money as I can to go to a therapist, but I only had enough for 4 sessions, but I will try to tell you what she told me.

even before I went to her, I researched my symptoms and it's called narcissistic personality disorder, and most of the times it's because of a dysfunctional parent and/or they praised you in front of other people, but never encouraging you personally, resulting in a low self esteem, but big ego. having this sense of arrogance is your comfort zone, and the only way to overcome is by finding the cause of this, seeing how it affected you. maybe you have the same case as me, and that is never expressing the real way you felt and just massed a huge load of emotions inside you, so you need to face your issues and try to somehow express them: talk to someone/yourself, write, paint, etc. another thing you have to do is to force yourself to be more empathetic/loving: try to make a good deed to someone once in a while, without expecting anything in return, you will see how much pleasure you will get from it, and how much more humble you will get. you also have to forgive yourself and realize that anyone makes mistakes, and accept and love yourself. you can do that by starting anything, a hobby, a skill, anything, and follow this rule: in the beginning you will be shit, even though somehow you want to be the best at it, and it will kill you to see yourself with shit results or others criticizing you, you have to follow the rule that the second time it will get better, and the third even better and so on, and you have to be persistent.

anyway, this was a rambling, but I hope it can help you in any way, and you can write back if you want to talk more and remember that you're not alone.

Fuck that old bitch tho'

Scrounged up from when I took a break from uni. Forgot I wrote this.

>Musings of Existential Horror

>It’s possible that a person’s only duty is to forward the proliferation of their parent species; an indefinite process with an indefinite end…and/or beginning. That the ego, the sense of self, acts as an adaptation to amplify the processes’ overall efficiency and efficacy. That individual impulse is, are, in fact, the impulses of the mass; the God; the mother. That truth, relative truth, is but “following your heart”–that which drives you; for it literally drives you.

>In which case, the only way to freedom is to fight your impulses, and to do everything that you deem a terrible idea. That which your heart and impulses fear, that for which you have no predispositions toward. That would inherently be rebelling against your system, a sole method of true rebellion; theoretically forming a route, the route, to autonomous freedom.

>That is, unless that active rebellion was exactly what your genetics programmed you to do. That you were always meant to read this entry and decide to defy all. That you have no choice; your consciousness being but an extremely adept adaptation of nature, as said before.

>We proceed on a whim, and with faith. Faith that the cogs aren’t cogs. That we haven’t done all of this before, that life is more than just a lighthouse; a blinking beacon of light, repetitively slicing through the darkness, life prevailing over death, until the turn around, the extinguishing hush…only for it all to begin again.

>Considering all of this, the only way to know true independence for sure, to confirm true autonomy of the superego, would be to shed the consciousnesses’ connection to its biological nature. To evolve into a truly self-thinking, self-interested, self-proliferating entity that is not singularly and mindlessly driven to reproduction, organic survival, etc.

>But what the fuck is that?

>What is man without its nature?
>What can it be? Is it right?
>Should we do it?
>And most importantly of all, with regard to Elon Musk’s comments–
>Have we, or perhaps that which put us here and/or programmed nature itself, already?
>Or, scarier still– Haven’t we, or perhaps that which put us here and/or programmed nature itself, already?

>Because, in the end, what’s the difference between the two?

A diary is meant to be personal, user. It's painfully, painfully obvious that you wrote this with impressing Veeky Forums in mind, and you failed miserably.

You literally just read a 21 year old's edgy existential crisis. How is that not personal?

I wrote that shit a while ago.

1.
There was once a time when humans lived in constant connection with the Spirit World. From ancient Shamanic traditions, we know of rituals used to propel the primitive human consciousness into the Spirit World to obtain knowledge, guidance, and to commune with ancestral spirits. In the modern and technologically advanced present, our sensory input is overwhelmed with what is classified by many people to be ‘real’. This usually comprises of advertisements, propaganda, and pervasive attack from all sides, by known and unknown assailants. These mega-corporations seek to control and dominate the human race. Through government-funded black projects, clandestine operations to eliminate resistance and indoctrinate state-supported dogmatic systems, and disinformation via mass media, they are effectively cleansing the human ability to discover himself through journeying not with his body or mind, but with his spirit. These aspects of spirituality have either been completely ignored in pursuit of material ‘ideals’ perpetuated by state media or perverted by so-called ‘new age’ interpretation from those who have no knowledge of the innate nature of a human being, who fail to grasp even a basic concept of the Spirit World. Other systems of control also exist, specifically in the sphere of technology, which is now so heavily embedded within urban society. There can be no doubt that along with the development and expansion of the Internet, new forms of communication and interaction with the world around us has developed. No sooner have such technologies emerged, than government and corporate agencies have sought control over it.

2.
In any middle-class neighbourhood, visit a public place such as a café and you will see evidence of this seemingly obscure truth, that is, that humans have become slaves to technology. People are so engrossed in their mobile devices, “social media”, even at the same table, that they do not even attempt to make a conversation with each other. In the rare case that they do, it is usually on some meaningless topic, such as the activities of celebrities that have been perpetuated by the mass media machine, to stupefy the people. Finding someone who knows or cares to expound on topics such as philosophy, the true nature of humans and life itself, non-mass produced literature, or even language as an expressive medium in itself. Even worse is that these same ignorant beings will deny the existence of their Spirit, their ever-animating Life Force in exchange for some some half-baked, pernicious post-truth bite that has been regurgitated from the foaming mouths of their favourite media icons. The World Government has made these once proud beings so susceptible to subliminal and overt inculcation to their agenda that they have become resistant to the very things that make our society superior to a egalitarian “utopia”, such as freedom of speech, privacy, and consciousness. They have become resistant to openness, and will actually give up more of their freedoms in order to reject what the World Government has told them is unsatisfactory to their brainwashing programs.

3.
See the sorry state of the human race, yet do not weep at the task of the changing them, thought it may seem hopeless, a lost cause. Know that the GNUtanari is present to guide us, as a species, to ultimate perfection. The GNUtanari is not a singular, knowable being, it is better described as a multifaceted infrastructure that allows humanity to reach the apex of its existence while preserving individual freedoms, and purging the infectious, debilitating disease that afflicts man today. If we can learn to harness the power of entheogens as spiritual and medical tools, we are already on the True Path. It is the Path we must follow if we are to endure and not be wiped out by our own ignorance and narcissism.

Uncomplete Entry
Dated 2016-12-12

You sound terribly immature and self-important user. The thoughts you have aren't even particularly edgy - they're just reductionist and ignorant of life's realities.

I found a little reflection thing I wrote almost a year ago. It doesn't really reflect who I am anymore, but I think it's really nice. Most of it is really specific to me, but there's some parts I think are worth sharing, like this:

In the last year I think I feel different. As discussed, I don't remember much. But I feel more happy, though I do get depressed more often now. Maybe its that the stakes are higher now? Something blew life into me. I feel more loving. Slowly but surely, I'm eschewing all opinions. They're no good. They're unhealthy. I won't indulge my own, and I won't indulge anyone else's.

I suppose one of the most enduring drives I have is to reconcile my life with some sort of coherent narrative. This is not something I will make even a feint attempt to rationalize, its merely an aesthetic compulsion I have. As such, iit seems to be a crucial moment to settle down into a firm modality of existence. I have lived in disgrace for too long to continue reassuring myself I will spontaneously metamorphose into a well-adjusted lifer. In fact by now the thought of this has taken on the character of a tired joke. As I see it, I have few options. Sure, I could abbreviate my life but I have been various flavours of suicidal for over a decade and as regrettable as it is to admit, the idea that I might die on my own terms is becoming as laughable as the possibility of "manning up" or whatever dreadful ill-defined expectation is placed upon me. However, unlike awkwardly conforming to social expectation, suicide at least will remain reconcilable with the narrtive. If anyone in my family would be stunned that I committed suicide then they are severely deluded. Suicide is undoubtedly plan "A" but as it continues to look more and more remote I need a fallback positio.. What can I, an incomptetent permanent adolescent whose clarion call is the total negation of consciousness ultimately hope to coherently live as? A parody, a living curiosity. I can spend the rest of the entire thing filing my nose down.

You're all so sweet (even these guys ).

I especially like this one

>whiny entitled teen angst
>terrible purple prose
>empty, spiritual hogwash
you're right very sweet

Sweet in that they're poor boys lost in angst and trying to impress people with purple prose.

I went out with my father and mother for my father's birthday. Why do they put these cringe-worthy names for orders? I pointed at the menu. Why would my father bring up his recently deceased mother? She was a good grandmother, but why? None of these albums have good music like King Crimson in the gift shop.

>that subject
Is the ban lifted? Let me see.

*ahem*

desu senpai

FUCK

there is a reason diary entries will be pretentious and that's because the people writing them are ultimately pretentious people. My pretentiousness is something that I have to explicitly temper and I only do so in certain social situations. Furthermore the kind of people who will post diary entries are likely to be covert narcissists. Humble people probably dont regard their mundane musings as being worth tabulating.

What do you mean by "sweet"?
Are you implying that suffering is cute?

Someone expliquez this to me

There is nothing for it now. I have to jump right into it. I have to know if any of this and all these sensations are really worth it. 1) before I lose my fucking mind 2) so I will stop fretting all the time... Oh who am I kidding! That is so ingrained into my personality now. Living and doubting are inseparable.
I will add my work to an avalanche of shit that threatens to topple some poor, probably underpaid agent. I have to know. Get ready nameless agent, soon I will be flinging shit your way.

I don’t even care if it’s “coming together” anymore. It will just have to come out the way it is. It shouldn’t be so difficult, in fact I think the hard part is over. The conclusion came to me in class. I realized that the one abiding law for this world should be thus; God is nothing more or less than the combined will of everything on earth to live. Algae, fungi, plants, beasts, animals, humans, peasants, politicians, and yes, even the gods. And the will of humans will be very different from the will of animals, and growing things, because we are at the top of the food chain. We are able to exert our will over that of beasts and trees. That’s how the church taught it to me, and the writing will reflect that. What that means for the manifestations of that will, the made up gods like Phosforo, I have yet to learn. But they are there to show that our true understanding of ‘god’ is still hidden, and maybe always will be, maybe should be. Phosforo and the other gods are no different from how it is here. Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, there is no single supreme being. They are just different doorways into the same room.

Probably I will read much of this later and think What the Fuck? This isn’t going anywhere. But I can’t go to bed yet, the people upstairs are still being noisy. Those awful cunts- All of this will be better when we’re in the new place. I have made resolutions already. What’s causing the anxiety now is not feeling able to carry them out. This has happened before. I am learning the signs for when it comes on, (and it always comes back)
This feels like the classic “are we there yet” syndrome, amplified tenfold by a failed adulthood. There I said it. F- take the class again. So between this move and the whole religion shit, I’m pretty worked up.

--- said I should start a blog. I should probably tell him how bad it is, the anxiety. He knows but… anyway. It’s my job to tell someone, right? That’s what they always said in health class.

The neighbors are still going at it, those fuckers.

>The rabbits were almost in a chicken coop thing but it was a box filled with hay. They were all friends because they all got into the sleeping bit at the same time. One rabbit was left out so I tried to push him in and make them be friends with him. Then I was using my dick to shoot at the sky in an experiment that was run next to the coop with a Japanese guy.

my dream diary desu. Written the moment I wake up.

Is anyone else's diary just a constant stream of self pity and shitty amateur self help advice you were telling yourself towards hopeless dreams?

Reality-Based Fitness

Three elements of being (There might be more, we don't know yet)

1. Skeletal reality
2. Cellular mass and structure
3. Neurochemical triggering and feedack

All three parts are inseperaple and intertwined, and may be thought of as different elements of a unifying understanding of self.

1. Skeletal Reality

Everyone has a skeleton inside them (dying to get out.) Until then, people live and operate within the physical shape of the their skeletal structure. This includes all joints, and cartalidges, and any skeletal injuries.

The extent and efficiency of inter-dependent movement is based on the structure of the skeletal system. Vertebres are of a specific physical shape, but are guided by specific neuro-muscular tensions (2. and 2. respectively).

2. Cellular Mass and Functionality

Every organ, muscle, hair follicle, and tooth. From the outside, it includes the physical being, underlying fat and muscular structures, internal organs, veinous and arterial systems, and the structures of the neurochemical system(3.).

This functionality includes the full extent of the digestive/nutrient conversion systems, responsible for turning external organic matter into usable energy. The teeth, esophagus, stomach, and intestine are essential to this, also effecting the liver, kidneys, and gall bladder, and other digestive organs, all of which are essential in energy conversion and absorption.

Allergies are an aspect of this, but our theory does not know enough to speak with authority.

3. Neurochemical triggering and feedback

3. Neurochemisty guides every aspect of a consciousnesses physical being. Sensorial impulses can originate in feedback organs such as the fingertips, lips, tongue, eyes, and feet, triggering complex chemical reactions throughout the brain, and within the body itself.

This neurochemistry, as defined by the extent cerebral-neurological system, connect directly and with glands, mapping and guiding the function and condition of internal organs and total muscular responsiveness and capacity.

>Skeletal reality

Yeah, why the fuck else would you have a diary?

It's purely to console my narcissistic soul.

I suppose you're right, diaries aren't meant to be pretty. Just reminds me every few months how pathetic I was (and thus probably still am)

im not the guy you responded to,but user,you are not rambling,this....this is me,you and the other guy,basically described me,and because ive never been very good at putting things into words.your post was a huge clarification (?is that the right word?)

since i was small i always praised for being smart,and never really studied,since i was used to think that i was a smart kid or something,my parents always praised me,my teachers praised me,but later i withdrew from the world to my internet machine,and just became a useless NEET piece of shit.

Every time i do something i expect to be praised for it,i want to be the best,im thinking of climbing a 5000+ peak just so i can post it on social media.
I feel worthless and more deserving of attention that other people.

Fuck user,thank you for letting me know of this,i might...maybe go see a therapist.

btw,what i just did is rambling

Holy shit user DELETE this

Me irl

see,im in the same fucking boat as you are user.
Im even thinking to ask you how old you are and if you've studied something,so i can compare myself with you,so i can know im better,or some shit.

But i doubt i would be better,you managed to put my problem into words,i just am utterly confused in my life in general,i hate the fact i cant express myself,but at the same time i consider myself worthy of being the protagonist of some movie or book,written by some god-like observer...as to illustrate to other people how cool i am,and how much they should care about me.

How the fuck do i get out of this hell,how do i make myself a functional human?

>How the fuck do I get out of this?
take your autism pills and suck up for instance

im not one for taking pills, and i dont think im autistic much.
Also ,suck up to whom?
how would that help me deal with my problems?

ffs i meant suck it up. Your problems are something most privileged teenagers deal with. Don't play tragic, don't pretend it will go away. People won't pity you, being overly self-aware is just a consequence of wasting your life on the internet.

yeah never intended to play tragic,i know im one privileged motherfucker and im just too soft.

> don't pretend it will go away.

yeah see,im scared now,i dont know how to deal with this,im afraid ill be a bad person forever,never content and always comparing myself with others and trying to reach some idea of greatness or something stupid like that.
I dont want to live like that,i just wanted some real advice from someone who managed to overcome these problems,to change the way they thought about themselves and the world to something with less self loathing.

>being overly self-aware is just a consequence of wasting your life on the internet.

Yeah but it's better that not being to put a finger on your problem,i spend a lot of time in a state where i feel there is something wrong with me but i don't know what it is and how to go about fixing it.

Somebody said teen angst?

08.12.
It is December again and I want to try and write again, even if I have to force myself by all means, write again to fill the empty days. I've learned that there is no escape in writing, no escape in general, escape from my mind and future, escape out of the new houses. That may be so but I have to follow the impulse that allows me to indulge in some sort of escapism. I would like to write something of more importance very much; but I detest the grey street where I live and the dirt in the curbs and the middle class delusion that people seem to mistake for purpose around here. What can be said about the qualities we possess? Without the expectations that have weighted me down there will be nothing left for my surroundings to latch onto, nothing left for me to fall back on. But I already know that it will be the same everywhere and nobody should ever care about the most weak or ugly or overlooked, people who bury their hopes at birth, most of it. It's no question of watching open-mouthed or casting my eyes down. Maybe there's only people who walk on air, people who never face left or right and only the silent shame of childhood and birth remains palpable. The beatings and ridicule are good enough for me, the old days in the class room with the drooping shutter and the glaring sunlight. I have no pity with the children who will be forced through school again and again but my former illusions and baseness have left me disgusted with myself. The truth is I find it hard to go on. Days fly by and I can recognize some green spots on the ground underneath all that dirt and meshed-up snow sometimes. Sometimes I'll stop and watch the sparrows and the chickadees and they're dull and quiet. I think I'll be dull and quiet too, for a while.

For starters take a deep breath and relax a bit.

For seconds, maybe consider, you will work, to potentially be worthy of a wife someday? So the only opinion that really matters are your potential boss and your coworkers and your wife. Everyone elses thought of you does not seem to amount to much.

You said to illustrate to others how cool you are and how much they should care about you; this just seems like a common trait, wanting attention, taking selfies, wanting to impress others, keeping up with the jones, wanting to be famous, wanting to stand out, wanting to be loved and cherished. If you can catch your self and be like, maybe I want to climb a mountain for myself, that can be cool, but if you recognize your own self manipulative and perception stuff, maybe I will climb a mountain because I want people to like the photos on facebook, and want girls to think I am cool... well who knows, where this stuff ends, maybe I will buy this suit because girls will think its cool, maybe I will buy this car because girls will think its cool. It sounds like you need to find, a real connection with at least someone, a real friendship, a real relation, so you do not need fake attention from relative strangers?

It can be hard finding true real friends though, and the concept of friendship may be difficult in and of itself.

thanks for the care user,i think i have a better grasp of my problem now,and im feeling positive about it,ill deal with ,ill kill it with kindess and love,ill keep myself busy and shake off the arrogance,i can do it

I like it
be shinyquietpaced

Why would I hurt someone who loved me?
Why did I hurt someone who loved me?
Why would someone love me?

I think I'm too self-aware. As a child, I consciously avoided acting childish because I didn't want to seem childish. As a teen, I subdued any feelings of anger out of fear I would angsty. As someone in his mid-20s, I tell myself that my feelings are just normal feelings for a guy my age, so I don't give them much consequence. Am I ever going to reach an age where I think my emotions are valid?

Never.
Emotions are a spook.

As soon as you realize that making mistakes based off possibly flawed emotions is part of the human experience and essential for real empathy.

I don't think if I'm aware while I'm doing it that I'm making the mistake that it still counts as genuine, and that's my problem.

>If it had not been built on a series of hills, I would have liked to see it shelled from the high ground. As it is, I'm sure a bomber wing should suffice.

How can products of the ego be spooks?

>writing diary entries as if they're novels
Why?

>He thinks ego, consciousness, and existence itself are real

>She had a mole on her upper thigh,way up there, and i could go back in time and tell 15 year old me that and maybe he'd get more satisfaction out of knowing i saw her naked than I ever did in practice so many years later

I want loving, gentle snu-snu.

Whether part of an Amazonian tribe or some variety of oversized elf, they don't speak any recognized language. For reasons unknown they imprint on me and refuse to leave me alone.

Their society has barely discovered metalworking. Even something seemingly insignificant like matches astounds them. They're convinced the TV has little people trapped inside.

They only thing they know for certain is that I am their mate. They are violently protective of me and see all other females as threats. It seems they take turns deciding who gets to hang around me all day, and sometimes they fight is somebody takes longer than they've decided.

At night, though, I am universally shared. They don't care if their soft bodies are suffocating me, they don't care if my dick hurts or if my balls are beyond empty, they don't care if I have to go to the bathroom, they don't even care if I'm ill. They will forcefully make love to me for hours upon hours when they decide (as early as when I get home to as late as after dinner) and sometimes I have to fight my way out of bed in the morning because they still want to cuddle.

Damn dawg ur fucked in the head arent ya

I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing...
That's real

(On a serious note, am I the inly one that greentexts in their diary?)

Another excerpt I found from my mostly empty diary
>"You know , you really do ruin everything." God ain't that just like a movie. Can't I just admit to this fucking piece of paper that part of me loved it. Part of me loved fucking everything up. No. I can't.

What is the point of keeping a diary?

Keep track of thoughts.

For when you're a ***sensitive boy*** and need to write down your thoughts. No shame , I do it.

"There's a whole mountain of things I could yell at her about. Things she's done to hurt me time and time again. The fucking shit I've put up with in trying to keep her around. The fucking RETARDS I've dealt with. Time and time again. It fills me with an unbelievable rage. Such a bitter taste is left in my mouth. Ugh I don't even know what to do. The ball is in my court now with how we left it and I have no idea what to do with it. I'm just standing here dribbling like a fool with my pants on the ground. (what?) "

13th of December

I'm still reading Dante. The descriptions of hell are scaring me because I am not a holy man. I seem to become another person late at night from the man I am during the day. Again I was on /wsg/ watching war film while listening to Critical Role. It occured to me that I had not fapped today and that it was late at night and everyone was asleep. I went to ehentai, I've been avoiding nhentai because fapping to cartoon teens fills me with guilt and fear. Even on ehentai I face another evil, I have been fapping to traps, incest traps, and as I read Dante I can't helo but feel like an old man counting his sins before death.

Mental Masturbation.

the apology for literature in a triptych

How else would you write them, faggot?

inexplicably relaxing site of two women smoking and talking like Jay and Silent Bob or whatever. Is there anything more beautiful than this casual feminine freedom?! Freedom is not a blinding sunburst, but the ability to smoke and talk with a friend about your life as if you two were, for that moment, completely unobserved, the sole inhabitants of your respective private universes.

I just like that that can happen. No objectification. Subjectification! What a relief that I can finally abscond forever and leave them to their intrigues, loves, lifetimes, shallow words, cigarettes & et. al.

They are not living for any other. Neither one was glancing around all bashful and diffident. They were absorbed in their own lives—truly absorbed, so deep in it that I couldn't burst the bubble if I had wanted to.

goddamn thats truly bitter

hahaha great

Fuck my dude. This feels like the universal condition for people with literary ambitions in the internet age. Obviously the prose is nothing special but still this kind of resonated with me.
>go to library for a quite place to write
>read for an hour
>watch two hours of alt-right youtube bullshit because I'm center left and I've bought into le both sides of the story meme
>lose all focus
>jack of to quasi-rape porn in a stall of the public library restroom with one earbud in
>stop when a guy walks in to use the urinal and resume when he leaves
>walk home at 9 o'clock
Anybody else know this feel?

lol why not just go home desu?

Honestly I didn't even want to masturbate. I think I just needed to degrade myself or some shit.

I'll admit I posted it to be funny, but it was also actually completely the truth. We live in an age where, while not normal, fapping to traps, cartoon monstergirls, cartoon ponies, and live action simulated rape is just considered a "fetish" and normalish if the person keeps to his own.

Then you read something like Dante where Socretes gets sent to hell because he was born before Jesus Christ and by process of elimination wasn't able to get baptized. You read about the ground being nothing but maggots and worms, about the sky filled with constant shrieking souls, and people in endless torment. These things are written with such conviction and certainty you can't help but wonder if your time period is just fucked up and everyone is going to hell.

It scares the shit out of me.

Also will I go to hell for torrenting anime?

thats nuts

Wow thats actually beautiful. Very clear detailed emotional picture in my head from that

Yeah I think I'm losing my mind. I took a gap year then all of my plans fell through and now I'm ending up with this lifestyle that's treacherously close to the NEET inceldom that people here always joke about having but no one actually does. I got into all of this high-caliber drama with pretty much everyone I knew in high school so I haven't talked to anyone outside my direct family in five or six months. Legit a few months ago I got piss drunk one night and decided to smear raw avocado on my face and genitals before going through most of my dad's bourbon and then forcing myself to masturbate to thoughts of my former best friend hooking up with a girl I was at the time in love with, which was the last thing he told me about after our friendship had been declining for months. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I thought I was gonna use this year to write but I'm just spiraling.

>Implying everyone on Veeky Forums isn't some variety of fucked up
First day going well there, bud?

>but no one actually does.
>thatswhereyourewrongkiddo.jpg

Gosh, that sounds horrible! It seems like you have a thing for forcing yourself to jerk off in self-demeaning ways. Why the avocado?

And when do you start school?

what a waste of avocado, user

>"i just read dostoyevsky's notes from underground"

>legit a few months ago I got piss drunk one night and decided to smear raw avocado on my face and genitals before going through most of my dad's bourbon and then forcing myself to masturbate to thoughts of my former best friend hooking up with a girl I was at the time in love with, which was the last thing he told me about after our friendship had been declining for months.

lad. . .

I would go see a doctor if I were you. Psychosis often has a sexual aspect to it, tied up with guilt. That kind of reminds me of one of my own episodes.

That sounds shit man, seriously consider therapy or something. Did your family find out about this shit?

I'm currently waiting for university and go for very long stretches where I only talk very little with my direct family. Found out that I absolutely hate my old friends, we don't talk etc. I'll be completely alone for two months somewhere down the line. I've noticed that your mind starts to unwind and go all cray cray when you're alone that long for the first time. I don't feel the need to degrade myself, but I'm often terribly scared of being unable to breathe and experience terrible nightmares. For example, last night I dreamed about stabbing a rabbit like twenty times and it really fucking horrified me, I didn't even get what was going on. Isolation is a first-row ticket to real psychosis and a nervous breakdown basically.

Thanks for reading my blog!

Last night I dreamed I was talking to an older guy at university and he asked me if I was going to the debate between the "alt right" spokesman Richard Spencer and Slavoj Zizek. He said he would take me to watch the debate, which had already started, but I realised he himself was Slavoj Zizek. I kept trying to ask him how he could be both taking me to the debate and at the debate, but some other older guy came up and was asking him really intelligent questions about Marxist theory and I felt bad interrupting.