Write me something awful, Veeky Forums

Foreplay with Nora

(OP)
BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

snnnnniiiiiiffffffffffff...oh yes my dear....sssnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff....quite pungent indeed...is that....dare I say....sssssssnniff...eggs I smell?......sniff sniff....hmmm...yes...quite so my darling....sniff....quite pungent eggs yes very much so .....ssssssssssssssnnnnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiffffff....ah yes...and also....a hint of....sniff....cheese.....quite wet my dear....sniff...but of yes...this will do nicely....sniff.....please my dear....another if you please....nice a big now....

BBBBBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPFFFFFF

Oh yes...very good!....very sloppy and wet my dear....hmmmmm...is that a drop of nugget I see on the rim?...hmmmm.....let me.....let me just have a little taste before the sniff my darling.......hmmmmm....hmm..yes....that is a delicate bit of chocolate my dear....ah yes....let me guess...curry for dinner?....oh quite right I am....aren't I?....ok....time for sniff.....sssssnnnnnnniiiiiiiiffffffff.....hmmm...hhhmmmmm I see...yes....yes indeed as well curry......hmmm....that fragrance is quite noticeable....yes.....onion and garlic chutney I take it my dear?.....hmmmmm....yes quite.....

BBBBBBRRRRRRRRPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT

Oh I was not expecting that…that little gust my dear….you caught me off guard…yes…so gentle it was though…hmmmm…let me taste this little one…just one small sniff…..sniff…ah….ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffffff…and yet…so strong…yes…the odor….sniff sniff…hmmm….is that….sniff….hmmm….I can almost taste it my dear…..yes….just…sniff….a little whiff more if you please…..ssssssnnnnnniiiiiffffffffff…ah yes I have it now….yes quite….hhhhmmmm…delectable my dear…..quite exquisite yes…..I dare say…sniff….the most pungent one yet my dear….ssssnnnnniiiifffffffffffffffffffffff….yes….

At that moment I realized nothing in this stupid world matters. All these sheep, taking slow buses and trains to their office jobs, ties knotted under their collars... People have forgotten how to think. People don't realize what's really going on. It was at that moment I really took a look behind the curtain, pulled back the veil.

It's all a facade... the American dream is a lie... they say money makes the world go round but I say it ran this world into the ground.

I pull the hood over my head. The iPhone in my hand has two buttons on the screen: INITIATE HACK and SELF DESTRUCT.

The irony, of course... is that those buttons are synonymous...

when I was seventeen
I had a dream
that you where with your group of friends
and I was with mine
and everything was fine
until I realized what was going on
and then suddenly I felt very very wrong.
It was not that I knew where I was,
as I am often conscious inside my sleeping mind,
but that as I looked at you right then and there,
I realized you could be mine.
It wouldn't effect the outside world
if in this dream I could be your girl
and as I looked around
there was no where she could be found
and I knew you wanted me too.
I would pretend to not notice that you stared at my breasts
and that when I ate you became a mess
or when I pulled up my cotton socks to my thighs
you gawked and flushed in suprise.
I discarded every comment you made
and as your friend I had stayed
because you just need to see,
we where never ever meant to be.
deep down you know that, and so do I
as our friendship continues by and by
Which is why even in that dream I turned away
even when I knew there was nothing wrong I could say
even when she wasn't around, my thoughts were shame
and when I awoke forever I did lay
And I wish she knew
how much I have been through
to refrain and stay away from you
because I respect her love and fears
even though they have brought me to tears
as I layed there asking myself why
am I always expected not to cry
when every day still try
yet she looks at me with a cold eye
and talks to me with bitter tongue
how her words to me have stung
even though there have been times you would not have stayed true
and I still declined because, I love you.

True story. I fucking hate poetry and I hate writing it. How bad did I do?

My dick grows ten feet every time I tell a lie.

James Dickson told me the other day he went to Prague and asked me if I've been anywhere recently. I didn't want to embarrass myself so I said yeah I've been to Rome recently it was pretty nice. Just then I heard a rumbling below my chest it was my dick it grew ten feet and impaled my good friend James Dickson. Since then I've lived in solitude selling papier mache to orphans in the Bronx. One day my good friend who came by often to my little papier mache shop in the Bronx said ay i want a papier mache. And so I gave it to them. Then I went to the school to talk to my rival Jessica Samson she is in no way affiliated with the American singer, songwriter, actress, fashion designer and businesswoman who made her debut in 1998. Since that time, Simpson has made many recordings, starred in several television shows, movies and commercials, launched a line of hair and beauty products, and designed fragrances, shoes and handbags for women. She has devoted time to philanthropic efforts including Operation Smile and a USO-hosted tour for troops stationed overseas. She started The Jessica Simpson Collection in 2006.

One day in the year 2007 I met Jessica Simpson at a concert. She was nice, but then she asked me had she been to a concert before and I didn't want to embarrass myself so I said yeah.

i was sobered

Why should I have to do the work when this man will do it for me?

...

What is a diarrhea
Impetuous farts?
What is the toilet?
Icy cold and sharp.
I have to wag the turd out.

What is a toilet paper?
There is none here
What is my hand?
I'll have to use it

I'd like to remind everyone that this is an international bestseller and is getting a big budget Hollywood adaptation next year.

...

I'd also like to remind everyone that none of you reading this will ever make a minuscule portion of the cash this man has accumulated thanks to this book.

Fucking hell

Who writes this stuff

Lastly, I'd like to remind everyone that a large portion of burgerlanders who grew up in the 80's display a dangerous combination of nostalgia for and near-religious reverence of shitty cartoons and movies designed to sell them toys. And apparently, despite being """adults""", they way into their wallets is to repackage all the crap they consumed as kids and give it to them again.

What is a soap??
It is not here
What is the sink?
It has been clogged
What is my tongue?

I cleanse my hands
Of scat-like filth
It's taste leads me astray

What is a finger
I have all ten
What is a rectum?
All brown and prawn like

I take just one finger
And excavate my nether
I feel entrenched
Overcome with pleasure

What is my nose?
I have two nostrils
I take the finger
And inhale deeply

I feel nothing but confusion
I have been illuminated by scar-like love
This is the ultimate pleasure.

It took me a while to think of this.
I'm kinda proud of it.

As the elevator opened, the little imp beside me let out a wailing screech. "Bottom floor, VIP access and throne room."

I proceeded through the doors to look around. Hordes of demons and people swimming in the lake of fire began to look in my direction and started clapping and cheering. "Long live the king!"

I took in the sights before me. Flames and brimstone were going up the walls, and pillars of lava were flowing down from the ceiling. People in cages would be plunged into magma to have their flesh burn off. The flesh would then regenerate so they could be lit ablaze again. "What the Hell..."

Another imp came up to my side, "That's correct sir, welcome to your domain, the lowest level of Hell. I am your personal secretary, Melchom. I have your agenda right here for the day sir."

"My agenda, I don't even know what I'm doing here! Did I die?"

Melchom looked at me with a smirk. "That right there shows why you are the best sir. Didn't even know you were transported here. Truely number one sir, truly. Anyways, for today, I have you-"

I cut him off. "No! Really, What the Hell am I doing in... well, Hell?"

Melchom was beginning to get impatient. "If you would just let me finish, the only thing you have to do today is the 'passing of the unholy flame' ceremony. You can meet the previous head honcho, and get all your answers from him... probably. After that, you have free reign to do whatever you want. Well, until I get tomorrow's agenda all set for you. Capisce?"

I nodded, not really understanding the situation I was really in. Melchom led me to the stone throne. A figure was sitting on it, with a smirk. He was strangely radiant for such a place as Hell. He resembled an angel, however, one of his wings was singed black, and a single horn was growing out of the left side of his forehead. "You have arrived. I've been waiting for this day, but I bet it felt like an eternity for you, with your 'busy' lifestyle up above." He kind of giggled at this statement. It was strange to see Satan giggling.

"Umm, how should I address you? Sir?"

Satan laughed. "No, no. If anything, I should be calling you master, and you may call me the servant. Haven't you heard? We will be performing the ceremony of the unholy flame. You will be the new leader of Hell soon."

I shook my head. "I don't understand. Why? I didn't even know I died, and I didn't do anything to my knowledge to consider me 'evil'."

Satan's laughter was now getting out of control. The magma around him was beginning to pulsate and shift in sync to his laughs. "You slay me! This is a prime reason why you have been selected. You don't even know what you did!"

He slowly regained his composure, and the flames began to die down again. "Listen... Sometimes it is what you didn't do that earns you a ticket to Hell. And let's just say, you are a master of being slothful. Do you know what you were supposed to accomplish in your life?"

It's going to be Hitler isn't it

PART II

I shook my head but didn't like where this was going.

"It was supposed to start with you feeding a homeless man, and inviting him to lunch. He would tell you of troubles on the streets, which would inspire you to start a homeless shelter. From there, you would start an organization that focused on raising money and distributing food to the poor. It would also teach others how to grow and prepare food for themselves. Eventually, this organization would go on to end world hunger, you would win a Nobel Peace Prize, and be regarded as a world hero. It gets better, though... You would also have a son, who would become a well-renowned doctor and cure many diseases that I have longed plagued the world with."

I began to bite my lower lip... I knew what he was going to say next, and it terrified me.

"But you did NOTHING!!" The demons around us plunged themselves into the lake of fire out of fear. "You never left your house, you never met the homeless man. Hell, you never even met your future wife so you never had your future son! You were slothful to the very end! All of these lives will be lost, because of you!"

My knees gave out below me. I no longer had the strength to stand, let alone look at him.

"Congratulations... You were so lazy, you didn't even get up off your own ass to feed yourself. You died a lowly death of starvation when you had food in the fridge less than twenty feet away from the spot you died." He threw his scepter down, and it clanged against the bedrock in front of me. "You have gone from absolutely nothing to being the ruler of Hell. Let's watch and see how long it takes you to burn this place to the ground... I give it less than a week."

Satan left me there, and he proceeded down the stairs that led to the throne. As he headed down, he muttered, "I needed a vacation." He then waded out into the lake of fire, and sat down, allowing the flames to lap against his body.

>this faggit doesn't want to be ruler of hell

What a fuckin faggot

ITT: NO DISCERNIBLE TALENT

This is one of the top rated posts on the writing reddit with thousands of upvotes, BTW.

Oblivious tentacles
Of abominable infinty
With postmodern idiots
Who deny all metanarratives

is that a good or bad thing?

dank rhymez

by Anonymoose

su phresh liek tim's face
octopuses evwee wher liek a hot chase
mei gremmer su gud yu kent eben complein
get rekt liek tu bob tingly doodles in vest shaem

It was one morning when two men awake from a dream:

"ayyyyyyyyyy man where u frrrr-frrrro-AHHHHH-m?"

"ayyyyyyy men am frum outer space ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

"ayyyyyyyyyyy nice men let's sing the ayyyy song together"

"ok men ready....?"

"wait let me take a piss"

"no."

FUCK THE WORLD BITCH NIGGA BITCH
I'M HERE TO
FUCK WITH THE WORLD BITCH NIGGA BITCH NIGGA BITCH
AK-47 AND GRENADES YO BITCH
U AIN'T NO SHIT BUT MY ASSAULT RIFLE IN YOUR ASS LIKE A DICK, LICK A DICK HOE NIGGA BITCH
I'LL SHOT YOU IN THE EYES BITCH NIGGA

It was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10 mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Jessica. She is really fucking hot and looks like a supermodel. SO I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and reved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with special engine system). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 8th gear, I hit about 600 mph and I could hear the sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Jessica called me and said she wanted me to fuck her. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 700 mph in front of her house. These Ferrari's have top notch brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my Bugatti and starts eyeballing my cock. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my cock. Booya.

Flash forward to like 10 minutes later. My 30 inch cock is going inside of her pussy, hitting them walls. I'm holding her entire body up with my left pinky as I'm fucking her and she has 30,000 orgasms. She looks me in the eyes and she says "harder." V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load so hard she falls off my cock. There had to have been about two pints of cum everywhere. People say I cum like a pornstar, I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a towel so she can clean herself up then I do a triple backflip into my Maserati and drive home.

>foreplay with Nora
I kekked

cool story babe now make me a sandwich

i love to play minecraft with me and my friend james from scool. we always play on this one server where we are on a floating island and we gotta build things to survive. one time he even ate the last of our food and we had to restart because you need food to grow more food. mom says i cant play too long or my eyes will burn. shes wrong because my eyes only tear up after a few hours. within a week we had a huge island made where we could do whatever we want. we made it out of the infinite amount of stone you can make if you combine water and lave. one time these wierd niggers came and took our lava. james got so mad he quit the game and uninstalled minecraft. i still play but its not as fun without james. i want to try to build a castle with the cobblestone i still have but i am scared i wont have enough.

Trying to make something sound bad just gives you the flaccid, look-at-me-I'm-a-parody tone of a SyFy original movie. It can't even be mocked for what it is because it's nothing worth discussing. True garbage is the product of an unaware mind, or meticulous craftsmanship.

Go fuck youself, lad
Being intentionally bad is not something you can "just" do. Being awful is an art, a passion, a divine calling.

The biggest of sinners makes the finest saints. You cannot write a literary masterpiece without any understanding of what makes something awful in the first place.

As what Picasso once said:
"It took me 4 years to paint like a Raphael but a lifetime to learn how to paint like a child"

Shame it's been hours and no one here realized that

>a bloooo bloooo
You know, you out yourself every time you use this phrase. Especially since you misuse it every time in exactly the same way. The phrase is originally from an episode of Adventure Time and briefly became a meme. Princess Bubblegum used it as her attempt to sound menacing and scary, while being completely unthreatening-sounding. In context, "bloo bloo bloo" refers to someone trying to sound tough or frightening and failing. It has nothing to do with sadness.

Of course, I've told you this before. Repeatedly. And because you're a FUCKING MORON WITH SUBNORMAL INTELLIGENCE you make a stupid comment intended to sound disparaging or tough (ironically being worth of a a-bloo-bloo-bloo meme), but really displaying your utter ignorance.

PS: All kinds of neurobiological studies have confirmed that depression is A Thing and causes detectable, confirmable, physiological changes in the brain which can be substantively measure with an MRI.

yesterday i camed in my hair; yellow juicy cum oozing through thick black hair tendrils,. sliding down the scalp, sticky all over. then i remember i have lice from last satturday with the african refugee, lava like cum flowing over lice villages, homes, sticking lice stuck like ancient mammoth.. mmm running down my neck

Maybe in the sense of their mannerisms, as in you wouldn't ever get tired of seeing them. In the sense that they have constantly interesting things to say, I would say no.

bump

"hhhhhhhhhwwwwwwhwhwhwhwhwwwhwaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"Ugh"

I woke up to my roommate's meditation, like I do every day. She doesn't believe in reincarnation or anything but claims it helps her get closer to herself. More like it'll get her closer to the back of my hand if she doesn't stop doing it so early. She's a real mystery. Got here a year and a half back when I was looking for someone to help pay the rent, but fuck if I've heard a single thing about her life since then. I sat up and walked out past the thin wall that separates our two rooms and plopped down on my folding chair on the balcony to watch Jupiter rise above the horizon. Oh, I must have forgot to mention, we live on a motherfucking space station. Cool, right? It was built in one of Jupiter's Lagrange points in 2133 as the earth was being destroyed by climate change. Don't worry, the earth is still around, but it won't be for much longer. Most of the scientists and artists and valuable minds fled to space, so the remaining population is held by various fascist and ignorant countries who only seem to want to bomb each other for looking different. Up here in space we get some of that too, but they don't bother us too much. Walking over to the fridge for a glass of blue milk I remember that the big day is today. I'm a security guard for the peace corporation building. Today I take my favorite suppressor off the weapons rack and holster it, along with the remote to my fleet of microscopic surveillance drones. Little did I know at the time that the biggest space terror attack in history was going to occur before my very eyes. This is my story

And now for the greatest review of all time! Me, Piero Scaruffi, The Musical Genius, shall review the sound of 10000 penises ejaculating at once!
>*SPLURT*
Oh no! It's too much jizz! I can't handle it! Noohhjjgfhfkgjhfjgkjjhkfgjkh

I get this because I browse /mu/

"Iggo Tum,Iggo Tum,where in the world have YOU come from?",said the Chartreuse Knight, fingering his feathersword in a marked manner.

Iggo did not reply,merely pointed in the sky and didn't wonder why a certain sort of guy embraced the living lie with a simple sigh.

"Iggo Tum,Iggo Tum,to be a fool is your rule of thumb," sped the Chartreuse Knight beside the cracked banner.

Iggo shrugged in abject agreement,though he felt bland bereavement at this point of odd achievement.

I walk into the school eagerly waiting for my friends to make fun of me. Today will be different. I head into the lunch room where we usually sit, they see me and start with the insults. I smile as always, but this time, its a smile of knowing something they don't. Its knowing that soon these people and their families will be suffering. I pull a handgun stolen from my father out of my backpack and blow the first one away, some nigger freshman who they like better then me. He falls forward with a shocked face. After this two more run away as I shoot the final one who has his hands up, he dies trying to say what I think was "Come on man, put the gun down." After this I jump onto the table and off of it toward the one who tripped, like a lion jumping out of a bush. I shoot at his legs, he's screaming and pleading for me to stop. I start smashing his head with my sneakers until to my dismay he goes unconscious. After this I shoot him in his mangled, bloody, backstabbing face.

That's what he's saying, you putz. How'd you manage to completely miss the point?

Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was
a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow
that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy
named baby tuckoo...
His father told him that story: his father looked at him
through a glass: he had a hairy face.
He was baby tuckoo. The moocow came down the road
where Betty Byrne lived: she sold lemon platt.

O, the wild rose blossoms
On the little green place.

He sang that song. That was his song.

O, the green wothe botheth.

wtf i love this

>wierd niggers