Autistic cooking stories

that wasnt me but good enough really

I believe this story 100% op is an autistic fuck

People like you were abandoned in the woods at a young age because you were literally dead weight on your parents and the tribe.

/r/Veeky Forums here we come!

...

>displays no signs of autism
>LARPing on a food board
Should've added SAGE to your pizza faggot

I bet he used the vacuum cleaner all the time, but not with mom's permission

This isn't autism.

>few weeks ago
>going to cook rice for the 1000th time this quarter
>try something new and add a few splashes of rice vinegar
>add too much salt by accident
>panic, try to balance it by putting in sugar like an idiot
>as it's cooking, start to smell the vinegar in my apartment
>after it finishes it smells awful and tastes awful
>add cheese for some reason
>scoop some rice onto my plate
>take a bite
>regret
>dump all the rice and eat a pop tart instead
I don't know what compelled me to do this

Literally nothing that Veeky Forums thinks is autism is actually fucking autism.

These fucking faglords put such a heavy stigma around me that I've spent a decade homeless and jobless.
Do I sound like I can't lift a motherfucking box?

You are supposed to add vinegar after you make it dummy

The best fast food sandwich :)

>Want to make baked potatos
>with shrimps
>buy expensive gourmet shrimps
>when i have drained the shrimps i look a ingredients
>from vietnamise farm
>3 difference flavor enhancer
>artifical sweetnet
>turn off the oven
>go to bed without even tasting them
>get up
>write email to the firm packaging the shrimps
>feel better

>buy fish heads
>forgot about it and cook other things
>digging through fridge and find it a week later
>smells spoiled already
>decided to make fish head soup thinking the miso would cover up the stink
>forgot to put in leeks and gingers
>big mistake
>entire house smells like dead fish
>the soup is inedible
>one single gulp expelled everything in my stomach for the last 5 days
>dumped it out on the lawn for the crows and coons to eat
>haven't seen any of them in the neighborhood for weeks, presumably dead from food poisoning or repelled by the smell
>the spot where I dumped the soup has a bunch of green healthy grass thriving
>I call it "The Witch's Circle"

poetry

Why make scarecrows when you can make killcrows?

>LARPing
It's on an image board. By definition it can't be LARP.

Dude, if it smells rotten throw it away. You don't "cover up" rotten meat. It makes you sick.

>trying to make a pizza
>take the stuff out of the oven except for a plastic food cover for the microwave because I didn't see it as it was clear
>preheat oven
>smell a little burning but it didn't smell like plastic
>open the oven when it beeps
>goopy plastic all over the three racks in the oven (it started on the top)
I had to let that shit harden and scrape the stalactites of plastic off the racks with a putty knife. All I wanted was my pizza man. Now I am super crazy about double checking and using the helpful oven lights.

>be me
>cook anywhere but my own kitchen
>proceed to fuck up without fail
>somehow fucked up microwaving water

I just completely lose my grove with someone else's kitchen and equipment and look like I've never cooked in my life.

>microwaving water

You don't have a kettle?

there's a lot of parents who just simply ban their kids from learning to cook in this way. I don't think its on purpose, they just always have a set rule that the kid can't touch the oven and so they never even learn how to turn the fucking thing on. I had a friend who had to convince his parents to let him use it when he was 18.

That's poor parenting really. My mum hates cooking, my whole family dos really, but she still taught me from a young age how to do it.

Why the fuck was there plastic in the oven in the first place?

>expensive gourmet shrimps

k

it is but I think it's more like they just tell their kids when they're really young not to touch the oven cause its hot and it'll burn you etc. and then it just kind of stays a rule without anyone really thinking about it. I've seen it a couple times actually.

welcome to america

Americans don't have kettles? What the fuck, how do they boil water?

That makes sense I suppose. I burned myself a bunch of times, it just makes you respect it and know what not to do.

Using the stove. They can get kettles but their power outlets don't produce enough power to make it any quicker than the stove.

That's weird. I'd hate having to switch the stove on just to make a cup of tea. Even outside of tea there's so much you can do with a kettle, and pouring from a pan is horrible.

for tea many burgers just microwave water or, if at office, get it from hot-water dispensing machines.

They can still use old-fashioned stovetop kettles.

Isn't microwaving water dangerous?

only if it's incredibly pure, or if you have a container without handles (because that shit's hot)

The electric chairs in Texas stealing all the freedom from the wall socket.

Throw everything together with the rice after the rice is finished steaming, when it goes into the wok/pan.

At least I wont be arrested for using electricity in the bathroom.

that is wrong though my kettle is strong af

I'm American and I have a kettle so I don't know what the other guy is talking about

You could have picked it up and cut the part that has touched the floor. Atleast you would've got a smaller bread.

Wouldn't you still learn the basics in home economics?

>pouring from a pan

it amazes me that an ass-backwards country like britain full of muslim niggers and people who cant brush their teeth thinks america doesn't have fucking tea kettles that sit on a stove burner

let me ask, just how much media have you consumed in your life, and yet somehow still don't know the image of a whistling kettle on a stove?

It needs to be cooled before you can fry it or else you will have starchy, disgusting fried rice. The only exception is if you used parboiled rice.

>making roasted beet
>usually takes around 70 minutes
>using pizza oven so its 200º hotter than normal oven
>probably take about 20 minutes less
>forget how much time it usually takes and think its only 30 minutes
>put beet in for 10 minutes
>surprised when its raw

>Afraid of the oven

Hello kike friend

He could just put it in the oven, assuming he doesn't live in a toxic waste storage.

Murricans are leaders in overprotective parenting.

The Spanish are leaders in that aspect.

I'll take your Spaniard and raise you an Italian.

Living together with parents for a long time is only a weak indicator for that

No school does home economics anymore.
With all of the money that gets poured into the sports teams, they can barely afford the necessities for standard learning courses. Hell, people have to fight tooth and nail every year to prevent music courses from getting cut in favor of expanding the sports budget.

>Be 3 years ago
>Just moved into this apartment
>Constantly drunk
>Decide to cook some creamy pasta, pic related, not sure if it's the same brand though
>Pasta is cooked and ready to drain
>Instead of draining, add seasoning packet
>Realize I just fucked up and there's no other food here
>Sit in the corner of my empty living room eating bland noodles and drink more beer
>Pass out surrounded by empty beer cans

that was a cool night
also it's called pasta, see how on the box it says pasta and not noodles?

>the spot where I dumped the soup has a bunch of green healthy grass thriving
kek

but that's what frank costanza did in the korean war with the rotten meat

>roasted beet

>want to help around the house during holidays
>decide to boil potato
>forget about it and leave them in the pot for three hours

How does this even happen?
Wouldn't the tater just become mush?

The water would evaporate first.

Nice quads
I'll be trying this sometime, I'm skeptical about getting the lump of charcoal result like

Literal Autist Role Play

>all the money poured into music programs

fixed it for you

That's not correct. I live in LA, and my electric kettle plugs into my wall and seems to boil a hell of a lot faster than using the stove. They just aren't popular here.

I have tears in my eyes

dude

That's an avocado you dimwit

Meme autism is social awkwardness and being very particular about shit you do and like.

Are you me? Pretty much half our school's budget went straight to its football program.

>>the spot where I dumped the soup has a bunch of green healthy grass thriving
>>I call it "The Witch's Circle"
Holy shit that was funny.

>be me in Spain on military deployment
>locals in the airport terminal I work bought us mini pizzas and shit for lunch
>decide to have mine
>look at package
>can't read Spanish
>see something about a microwave
>good enough for me
>throw the whole thing in the microwave for like 5 minutes
>still wrapped in the plastic
>a minute later someone notices smoke billowing out of the break room
>leap over the counter and throw the microwave door open
>pizza is fucking charcoal
>fire alarms blaring
>grab searing hot pizza with bare hands and run it outside
>whole building evacuated
>fire department is not a quarter mile down the road
>still takes like 10 minutes to get there
>feel like absolute shit
>everyone laughing at me
>Air Force guys who work permanently in the building laugh at me
>SgtMaj rides over on his bicycle to check out the commotion
>says he doesn't give a fuck and that the Spaniards don't get enough training anyways so this is good for them
>feel intense relief

>be a running joke for months after we get home
>be chosen to give class on risk management
>reference pizza incident as a joke
>Sgt almost falls over laughing while everyone else is confused

I'd say it all worked out. Felt pretty stupid that I totally ignored/forgot all basic microwave safety because the package was in a different language.

Should also mention they had a toaster oven I probably could have used but one lady there says it sets the smoke alarms off every time they use it because it's shit or something.

way to get punked by your little brother, lol you loser

failed pizza thread when

Was the microwave in spanish? They work on a different frequency.

A microwave?

You handled it well, and now it's a fun story. I'm almost jealous.

Yeah, and he sent sixteen good men to the latrines that day. If you paid attention you could have learned from his mistakes

Why would anyone be afraid to cook a frozen meal? The directions are on the box and impossible to fuck up.

>try to cook
>fuck it up
>complain online
t. this entire thread

When I went to school, our arts and debate students raised the money we needed to keep them running because they gave a fuck and our school threw a ton of money at our shitty sports teams. We couldn't keep any foreign lamguage teachers around and our STEM classes were shit, so I can understand schools like that lacking any home ec. classes.

>be me drinking
>think "oh it would be nice to have some bacon & eggs
>start up making the eggs
>put the egg mix on the stove, fall down on couch for "1 min"
>close eyes
>asleep almost instantly
>wake up to burning smell
>egg mix is burnt to the crisp
>the pot i used to cook the egg mix with is ruined
>throw the entire shit into the bin including the burnt pot with the egg mix

90% of this board is about fast food, which is ironic really

>be me, very drunk for the first time ever
>for some reason, decide to cook homemade sauce for spaghetti to try and impress my mom
>she didn't know i had been drinking
>at this point, i thought i was fine. i just felt buzzed and a bit funny
>she notices i'm more mouthy and argumentative then usual, but seems to disregard it for the most part
>at this point in time, i spent a lot of time watching cooking shows like chopped, so got it into my head i'm some kind of master chef who knows what he is doing
>mom tells me my garlic is burning
>tell her she doesn't know what she is talking about, and that my garlic is cooking beautifully
>she tells me no, i shouldn't burn my garlic
>garlic is literally black and smoking
>she grabs pan and throws garlic in trash
>i get teary eyed and sit in my room
>she comes upstairs, asks wtf is wrong with me
>i am blacked out at this point, i just remember going into a fit of sobbing about how i can't do anything right
>wake up at like 2 am that night and heat up her tasty spaghetti she apparently made while i was passed out

Why have a separate tool that does only one thing when you already have two other ways to accomplish the same result? How do Europeans even have space for anything

Yes that would be the point of this thread put in a very simple way. What did you achieve by posting this?

It sounds like theres a lot more wrong with you than just being a little drunk

Well at least your drunk self is really honest. Also your mom must be retarded to not know how a shitty drunk person acts.

this is really some american tier problems
or problems a normal young man would have because
>backward slav family values

im pretty aspie but i enjoy cooking and ordering food

the hardest part is where i know the delivary human is coming and i like to be tipsy and its very uncomfy that short period and then its eat time

how old are you? i am really curious

i feel kind of sad now

i think you need a hug