>the recipe says fluff with fork
>fluff with spatula instead
Delightfully devilish Veeky Forums
How do you intend to get the clumps out?
you don't have the control of a spatula that you do with a fork
>paper coffee cup specifically says do not microwave
> microwave them every fucking day of my life
>do not eat raw cookie dough
>who the fuck hasn't
>Bread expired yesterday
>Eat some anyways
The sell-by date isn't an expiration date
>mix flour and water and add to pot
>just very gently sprinkle in flour while stirring vigorously instead
TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL
>Milk expires tomorrow
>Tossed it out today
>yfw
>at work on lunch break
>put tupperware container full of leftovers in microwave
>standing next to microwave waiting for ding
>coworker runs over and hits stop button
>"user oh my god, what are you doing?"
>"uhhhhhh heating up some rice and meat what the fuck are you doing"
>goes on 10 minute rant about carcinogens in the plastic and my hormones and prions and god knows what else
>wait for her to leave and put it right back in the microwave
>im still alive you stupid bitch
Why didn't you sexually assault her?
Enjoy your stomach/colon cancer in 10 years time.
>Recipe says to add oil to boiling water for pasta
>Don't add oil
MOM'S GONNA FREAK
Enjoy your death in 85 years on your 100th birthday
I dont like using plastic but its too much of a bitch to deal with hot glass on your lunch break.
"Add two tablespoons of margerine"
>adds 4 tablespoons of butter
>recipe includes red onion and green onion
>don't add green onion
SAVE ME FROM MYSELF
What are you doing with your life?
"Add two tablespoons of margarine or butter."
>add three tablespoons of lard
>recipe says add a pinch of salt
>add pepper
>TFW this thread is chock full of hard as fuck criminals
>cheese sauce comes in a packet and doesn't even mention grating actual cheese into it
>don't tell the women you do this
>"it's so much better when you make it user and it doesn't even mess up my diet"
>says to brine the turkey
>turkey the brine
Don't think I've ever sifted flour in my life despite being told.
Let me finish the story you impatient cunt:
>Raped her in the stationary cupboard
This is a godwich
>the recipe said to add 10 teaspoons of sugar
>I added 13
FUCK THE POLICE
> stationary cupboard
do u also have mobile ones
> salt to taste
> don't taste it
Who gon stop me
>bag says rinse the rice
>don't rinse it
LOCK ME UP
>Divide and share it with your family :)
>eat it all by myself
I HURT MYSELF TODAY
>serving 55 grams
>eat the whole 250 grams
FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
*breaks the raw spaghetti in half
>genetically engineered seedless avocados
Seedless avocados would completely upend the global housing market. Bitcoin 2.0
Strong buy.
>he says he wants a juice with some pulp
>buy him a regular pulp instead
Are you really that uncoordinated?
Get a glass container with a lip. Completely changed my lunch game.
>recipe says pat steaks dry
>prep the bull instead
That's also a sell-by date.
Officially, you should drink milk within seven days of opening it.
>burn my steamed clams I was preparing for a luncheon with my boss
>burger restaurant across the street
>get the devilish idea to pass fast food off as my own cooking
>play it off that we were having steamed hams for lunch instead
>milks lasts 7 days
trash one does filled with shit to preserve it, real milk wont last that long
>recipe says whisk the eggs
>use an eggbeater instead
>buy fast food
>disguise it as my own cooking
LOCK ME UP AND READ THE FILE NAME
>recipe calls for 1.5 cups of chicken broth
>fap to trap porn and go to sleep instead
>the recipe says add 1 tablespoon
>add 3 teaspoons
"My motto has always been "stick it to the man when you can."
>microwave ramen without taking it out of the plastic
>don't measure salt and pepper
>use salted when it asks for nonsalted butter
>put the stuff in the oven when it has five degrees left to pre-heat
>FAMILY SIZE
>eat it all by myself
>season to taste
>just season
LOCK ME UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!
>package calls for one minute and thirty seconds in the microwave
>press "89" on the microwave instead of "1 3 0" or even "90"
IIIIIII'VE BECOME SOOOOO NUUUUUUUUMB
Fuck. I went to middle school with that guy. He wasn't even gay acting at the time, not at all. Nobody knew he was transgender. But he looks good as a girl. Crazy.
i deep fry ice cubes
>add a pinch of salt
>add two pinches instead
Oh ho ho ho ho ho
i toss pasta into cold water..
in the end it doesn't even matter. pasta comes out the same.
(You)
Faggot
topkek
It was a roast you stupid fucker
>instructions say to cook for 4 minutes, flip it over, then cook it for another 5
>leave it in for 9 minutes before taking it out, never flipping it
>slowly mix while adding bit by bit
>beat my wife instead
Many people do
>recipe says to use x amount of garlic
>I triple it
>recipe calls for two to three garlic cloves
>put in three garlic heads
>average prep time: 0:00
usually if any recipe calls for more than 3 cloves i put in a whole bulb
>Microwave meal says to heat for 3 minutes, remove, stir, then heat an additional 3:30
>Microwave meal for 6:30 instead.
>Mother always uses spice packets when making meat for tacos
>just dumps the seasoning packet in and browns the meat
>one day, she has me cook the tacos instead
>read instructions on packet
>Brown and drain meat
>Back to the pan with some water
>NOW add the spice mix
>water boils off and spices stick to meat
>tastes fucking amazing
My mom cooks about as well as a middle aged Midwestern woman with 5 kids and no no control over their life... except we live in california.
>cook 20-24 minutes
>set timer for 22 minutes
>boil pasta for 10-11 minutes, 9-10 minutes for al-dente
>take out after 7 minutes
>wait for her to leave
god, what a fucking pussy you are
>a lip
what exactly? me no inglesa
same, quite the hazardous bunch we are
YES
Bob was super cool
>'Do not refreeze once defrosted'
Mfw I should have died of food poisoning 1000 times.
fucking kek
Fuckin' microwave time, mang!
mama mia!
Do you really not know what pasteurization is?
Sad.
>wait for her to leave and put it right back in the microwave
That first part was completely unnecessary.
To be fair, both those places are in America.
>go to England by Kent from Maine
>order biscuits and gravy
>get this
>eat it all
>great B&G, Old Chap!
>mumble "stupid Limies" while paying
>fly back to Maine
That's milk, not gravy.
>leave to stand for 1 minute before eating
>leave to stand for 2!
>meal for one
>share it between two!
>recipe calls for Parmesan
>use my bf's smegma instead
under certain circumstances in England, they call gravy "milk" mostly when yo order B&G in a pub
>cut off first few cm of baking paper to fit into oven
THROW AWAY THE KEY
please don't lie on the internet to further your foolish fantasies, ameri-kun
real talk tho
how am i supposed to flip like 100 fries
>cook less fries fatass
who are you quoting?
>desire to chop off dick intensifies
>Sift before measuring
>Don't
suck my cock dude
I used to work with somebody who did that once. Same woman was an anti-vaxxer and anti-gmo and a bunch of other stupid crap.
I just looked at her, looked away and hit the start button again. She left in a huff, but that was it.
When I bake fries I use a metal casserole dish. When Im supposed to flip them I lay a cookie sheet on top and shake it like a baby.
...
>open beef jerky
>little white packet
>"do not eat"
Fuck you.