Can I read your diary?

Do not ask a girl to reveal her last, final mystery ;)

Tried using it to make a daily schedule and gave up.

Gonna use this thing to take notes in when I reread meditations for the third time.

okay spooky ghost, I'll post you something tomorrow to read

...

this is so faggish I feel sick

How about no

The word 'faggish' is more faggish than you know.
I didn't read it, would be nice to be able to draw like that though

files aren't on the server anymore

Dude this reads like quality literature.

I love threads like this, they make me feel like I am not the only one with mongoloid handwriting.

True. If you scroll down there are a couple entries that have been typed up though. I guess that's all that remains.

Just finished la la land. What a sad movie. I like to imagine that the last scene was what it’ll be like in heaven for them. What a mysterious, sad movie.

Just all of them, just everything. Sometimes they were so beautiful that I felt such shame that I wished I could disappear, sink into the mattress and be forgotten by everyone but Jesus.

Again I was so ashamed of every silly thing I’d ever tried to pass off as writing or as some kind of story.

The beauty of human beings, the beauty of man and woman, the beauty of dance, of music, of love. What can I ever make that does not burn up in the light of these beautiful things like paper in a fire?

***

You know it was only a goddamn movie after all. I bet the only reason I feel shaken to my core is because doing mushrooms gave me a leaky brain.

***

This townhome fella is a literary persona that I created to punish myself for not writing…

On the other hand, I think that a part of me can sense that the world is thirsty for a country gentleman that you can rely on.

***

Though the people here don’t personally interest me, I must never forget that they are all good people—in fact, the essential kernel of evilness in me is probably the only thing holding me back from feeling affection for them (that is, it is not my own superiority, which is the putative the cause my evilness never refrains from putting forward).

If I had a dollar for every inane, trite, trivial, redundant, boring, stupid, thoughtless, unoriginal utterance that I’ve heard fall from the lips of some innocent angel with a spotless conscience, I’d be rich enough to pay someone else to finish this sentence for me.

The command to be clear has done great harm to the world’s literature... Kafka’s stories are unclear in their meaning, Shakespeare’s are unclear both in their syntax and meaning. Shakespeare is above me, the Bible, infinitely higher—but I trust that the immortal hand that moved both into motion has the strength to lift me to those cloudy regions and bless me—me—with the opportunity to see.

***

I reflected this morning that I am more faithful to the sins than to the virtues. I pursue old sins even though I can no longer feel them. “Faith is whatever is able to survive a mood.” What would make someone sin when they had no desire to sin? I guess for me it’s nothing deeper than laziness and inertia.

***

The boredom of destiny. On shrooms, that was the big impression I got. That we’d all just be doing the same thing again and again and again and again, empires rising and crumbling, men building great castles and other men tearing them down, men growing up and dying, falling in and out of love, being a father and then becoming one yourself—the same horrible, hideous, painful cycle repeating itself endlessly, idiotically, with arbitrary variations.

It was unendurable suffering to feel that, to see that, to understand that.

Yeah, my English print handwriting looks like a 7 year old's. My cyrillic cursive handwriting is more sophisticated but still plain ugly

...

K?

3/13/2017

Started the day a little rough. Daylight savings time was Sunday and my sleep has been screwed up since. I also think I caught a minor cold from bowling on Friday. But, I got up anyway and tried to be productive. Made myself eggs and toast and took some vitamins. Got ready and headed off to [college].

Arrived and went to english... boring. Went to [student lounge] for break and chatted with everyone. Nice as always. Off to philosophy, again boring. Met with [friend] and [friend] again at [student lounge] before we headed off to Biggby coffee. I just got a hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin. It was a lot of fun just talking with them for about 2 hours, and I felt very introspective on the way home. I think [friend] has feelings for me now, so it's fun to be around her. I want to just keep things as friends though.

I relaxed at home and made plans to get boneless wings at Bdubs with the guys. I smoked a little before going, which proved to be a mistake. Me and [friend] split a huge amount of BBQ wings, which was great. I felt less great as I got home though, because I'm starting to get sick. Naturally, I had a hard time sleeping as a result.

Germany, 1940. It was Shlomo and Judith's wedding night. They were just about to consummate their marriage, when Hans burst into the room. "What are you doing?!" exclaimed Schlomo. "I'm here to claim your bride," replied Hans. "No! You can't!". "You know what will happen if you even think about stopping me." Schlomo dropped his head, there was nothing he could or wanted to do. Hans then looked over at Judith. She was hiding beneath the bedcover, which he promptly tore off. Hans whipped out his extra large German sausage that had been concealed beneath his effay military uniform. "Can you compete with this?" Hans asked Schlomo. Schlomo took out his sausage, but it was barely perceptible. Hans turned again to Judith. "You want my big Aryan sausage, don't you?" Judith looked up at Hans, her surprisingly beautiful face looked hungry. "No!" shouted Schlomo, as Judith reached forward to grab Hans' mighty offering. Judith sucked that sausage and Hans stuffed her tight young peach. By the time they were finished the sun was starting to rise. Shlomo just knelt in the corner, whimpering. Hans' satisfaction showed itself clearly all over Judith's face, who was tired and drenched with sweat. "Well, my good deed for today is done," said Hans. "I probably did you a favor, what with that inadequate equipment you were trying to use," he said to Shlomo. Hans put his clothes back on, then left through the window like a superhero. Judith rolled over and went to sleep, completely satisfied. Shlomo just lay there, all cried out. Everything he had seen that night flashed through his mind. He eventually fell into a reluctant sleep of nightmares, without so much as a kiss on the cheek. Germans are nothing, if not thorough.

U Mich?

>I think [friend] has feelings for me now, so it's fun to be around her. I want to just keep things as friends though.

you devil! this is bad behavior, cut it out

Found this one from years ago. The other ones were cringey for other reasons.

...

I'll write it out here,because I did not last night. I was thinking that no matter what I do with my life still am a witness to the times. I was here in 2017. I guess I'm looking for a reason to keep on going. I keep falling back into my old ways, My Grandma told me that the fact that I never change is one of the reasons that I piss her off. I've thought about it and I feel like I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of being judged, despite the fact that it happens all the time without me knowing.now I am thinking back to why I am afraid of being judged. I don't really know. A won't text me back. He says he is busy with midterms but sometimes I get paranoid that maybe he doesn't like me anymore. who would like someone who gets depressed over stupid shit, and may lash out, I wouldn't. It's probably a reason I hate myself.My life is this miserable cycle of being happy, fucking up something, being depressed,and getting over it just to start over again.Regin seems to understand that , but I fear I will push all the people close to me away .it is likely..Fear seems like the most dominate emotion in my had lately. fear of other, fear of myself, fear of failure.I started this hoping just to fill the box to a certain point, but I've surpassed that now. oh well here is a wall of text