Write the cringiest opening sentence you can

I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies. My posture is consciously congruent
to the shape of my hard chair.

None of these have made me cringe.

I never betrayed anyone except for myself

lol

I am elfendorf, master of the saunterhue, and practitioner of the arcane arts. I ask of thee to warm my breakfast burrito.

How's that.

This story has managed to hunger spirit in the past

I awake up with something warm and sticky covering my face.

I posted in one of these threads once and then found my own work in your book. Fuck you, John.

Where do I start with Vollmann, Veeky Forums?

Nobody knew her secret, but she confided it, granted me an audience into the crevice of her dark heart

For sale.

Sneed's feed and seed(formally Chuck's).

I was a good man, but i had made some bad decisions.

KEK

WUBALUBADUBDUB

The gates did not creak despite the graveyard being here for centuries.

The only cringe part is the multiple grammatical errors

He unshode his katana to his own neck and pierced his belly open; birds went flying. Why do we smile?

I like anime

He could be Italian. And you could be ignorant, racist, and xenophobic.

id read a book written like this

Shadow looked don't fuck with me enough something something

you guys are weak

>The day my father died was the day the hidden soul inside took over, when I had lost control of the darkness and stuck my knife in his side in a blinded rage

James Socrates Stonecypher gripped Courtney's soft buttock with his right hand and aimed his L2300 Satan Beam at Jesus with his left.
"You got a nice girl here, Jesus," said Stonecypher, as legions of his Truth Mercenaries surrounded Jesus' Angel Droids, "But it'd be a shame if Earth found out about that their savior was actually a total liar and didn't believe a single word of the bullshit he was spewing."

I appreciate your effort, user.

Thanks.

I'd actually continue on, who knows could be the ballsiest writer alive

It all started when I had this dream...

Waking up to a loud crash rarely means something good is happening. It's never "CRASH! Mom mad pancakes!" or "CRASH! We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

I was sitting upon a cluster of atoms, known as a chair, pondering the cosmos and the beautiful world of science, when all of a sudden, my wonderful girlfriend, Priscilla, walked into my laboratory.

this

Waking up to a loud bang and a yell "DIE FUCKER DIE, YOU RUINED MY LIFE" rarely means something good is happening. It's never "BANG! DIE FUCKER, DIE, YOU RUINED MY LIFE, mom made pancakes!" or "BANG! DIE FUCKER, DIE, YOU RUINED MY LIFE, We decided to adopt a Golden Retriever!"

Going to where the story exists is impossible

It was a dank and memey night.

Every time you masturbate a kid is born in asia. Congratulations, its a baby boy. Conflict is neccessary and so are tanks. Sharon Stone is doing a much better job than you. Stankey Sex McCinley brute forces it. Wait till you see it. Intolerable. You're apathetic.

This is a good one, believable that someone would come up with this and think it's profound.

He could be a dumb nigger and you a faggot.

Which one?

dave you're supposed to be dead.

The President of the United States unzipped, pissing a rich, ammoniac stream onto the pool of chlorine bleach the assassin had placed in his toilet.

The penis I was born in possession of has, in a sudden burst of light and malicious laughter, vanished.

What doth life?(((life life life))) Are we just some fleshy blips in some meaningless stew of cosmic oblivion?

About two years ago, I suffered the worst fate a man could ever conjure up in his head: my son told me he didn't support gay marriage.

This is a manga somewhere.

Tears are made for wiping but with what should'st one wipe?

...

Humanity... All of my suffering on this world has been at the hands of humanity, particularly women.

>I was blessed by the holy gin of life, my parents went to the bombay store when I was born.
Message deleted? Mysterious, why would an user delete this line?

it wasn't cringey

Holy...

riverrun.

A success story if you ask me!

The sunset laid against Samantha's seafoam green irises shines bright as my desire die smouldering within the crumbling ventricles of my creaking heart.

My nuts were all over her face like Mr Peanut's with Mrs. Potatohead.

Underrated

I wonder if Piero, the venereal undertaker poking about for virgin corpses in the quivering mist of a profaned tomb, if Piero, the rattling bowels of my shadow, if Piero, the dangling bat, the bat upon the beam, if Piero, the noise behind this thought, I wonder if Piero will ever die.

His face was discomposed when i said to her that my biggest secret was that i had a big secret, and that my biggest fear was the fear of my second biggest fear, becoming true.

Hey you, yeah you, the reader, betcha didn't expect me to break this 4th wall amirite?

Yo motha died this day. Or, maybe, yesterday; ah can’t be sho don't make me shank ya!

I have always loved looking at women, but never talking with them.

It was the breast of times, it was the wurst of times.

Now lookie here lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man and you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

Yesterday, I died. Or today, I don't know.

Sometimes intelligence can be the greatest handicap of them all

I had decided to propose marriage to my father's racehorse, but I was afraid that my Yu-Gi-Oh! teammates might not approve.

I laughed very loudly

The funny thing is that every single one of these would grab my attention.

....and for a very long time. Heck, I'm still laughing each time I think about it. I just might be retarded.

Frankl was right, when you anxiously try to do something, you end up doing what you were trying to avoid.

here is ANOTHER good one!

riverrun a screaming Ishmael came across stately plump Buck Milligan today, or yesterday, I don't know, surrounded by heads and bodies the first time Jean-Claude Pelletier read Archimboldi while the clocks struck thirteen

t. Toni Morrison

There are two stories to my life: everything I have done and everything I have not done. Let me try to tell you the second..

*shakashuri notes in the background*

Gregor Samsa awoke one day to find he had been transformed into a big, fat, stinkin' cockroach.

All good things must come to an end. Even this book. But before they can end they must begin, so let's dive right in...

Choosing between two women that you love more than anything else in your life sounds like the best possible problem to have, until you experience it. In my case, it was between Rachel, my 21 year old research assistant, and Lisa, my 5 year old border collie

My cock twitched in the coolth of the air from saliva drenching it as my mother's mouth pulled away.

My cock twitched in the coolth of the air from saliva drenching it as my mother's cock pulled away.

My cock twitched in the coolth of the cock from saliva drenching in at my mother's cock pulled away.

riverrun, my asshole snapped forward with a sickening squelch. from it, a glistening, crimson, fleshy pipe oozing a brownish-green liquid, like watery sewage-paste, highlighted by the scarletness of my prolapsed rectum. my gay friend Rascario's tongue flicked up and down the floppy appendage, circling around the descended hole and lightly pushing the pink organ inside the extraordinarily loose orifice, sucking it with a slurping echo the salty runaway juices.

There is only one man in my life that I've ever truly loved - my father. The sex wasn't too bad either.

The world is everything that is the case.

Call me a doctor, Ishmael!

It starts with one thing, I don't know why, it doesn't even matter how hard you try.

Okay, you're a doctor!

how joycean!

Most of these wouldn't be bad at all if the narrator was supposed to be cringey himself.

why did i laugh at this

She knew there was something she had forgotten... but then she dropped her silk night gown and came to the tall mirror.