/crit/ - Writing Critique

Title: Moral Poem 1

Life moves on. Do not worry about it
As a moral. Don’t fear the new works,
Nor wish light on each brittle shore,
Nor be dewed with a lack in your eyes –

For instance, surely this jellyfish knew
Its atmosphere – pleasure, and the sting
Upon this Earth. It’s placement in
A life lumped high in its purposes –

Then, the penguin. Don’t disappear
From a moral like this. Don’t be masked
In the black knit of its face. Surely there is
A way to speak of the moment at hand:

When the penguin devours the pulsing jet,
And a million hands can’t scurry back.

Title: Angst Poem 26

(The Blind Girl, John Everett Millais)

2012

How can Lez like Miley Cyrus, a whore
When Taylor Swift’s so much more pure...
I don’t understand it – I like Tay Tay more
And wish I could be like her. There,

She sings of rainbows. Miley waves ass
And woops-de-doo- for the crowd to see!
Somehow, it’s supposed to be ‘feminist’
But, it reeks of the patriarchy to me!

I don’t understand, but I ha-a-ave to watch
Miley... because we have to stay friends.
What a burden this bitch has wrought...

And all I wanted was a person who cared...
Yet, no one thinks like me! I know –
That I can see higher than the rainbow...

2014

Are you se-ri-ous... Tay-tay turned
Into that? How weird... but still
She’s been through some stuff –
And she has more troubles too, I bet –

And I’m with Tay-tay all the way!
Oh god... Lez wants to go – to
The concert with me. Fuck
That bitch! Can she understand

The world of hurt that Tay-tay feels?
Her genius in her lyrics – bites
No matter what genre she does...

I give up – she’ll never know
About deeper things than her head
Empty of all. There’s a bigger world!

>Low route's entryway and high route's exitway are like mirror images, with short ceilings and two equidistant spike sets followed immediately by breakable ground before some sort of vine - whether swinging or zipping.

Not sure about the dash. Maybe it should be a comma? Serious question and all but as an aside, posting this caused me to reflect on my life and I'm now experiencing an existential crisis.

If it's in a book like Moby Dick, it doesn't matter. There's no point in posting this without a lengthy context because the power of the words comes from the ultimate structure they are in.

I'm just wondering what mark I should use there. Sometimes I can't tell when to use what or the differences in between, if that makes sense.

pastebin.com/Jr4rRLGU

Heads up, it's web novel genre fiction.

>Do I write for myself or the five* people who might find it?

Are you a horror fan?

Describing the spooks appearance is the easiest way to kill any horror, it's the fear of the unknown that truly spooks people, suspense and the like.

I was listening to moms spaghetti while trying to read this and it's thrown me.
I enjoyed reading it but I'm shit at sonnets and poems.

>Cop a squat
it's POP

P O P

The poignant, pedantic pathos of my pallid, plebeian plenitude has petulantly presented me petrified of my personal profligacies.

I'm not in any position to properly critique poetry, but I am in a position to write some stupid things.
pastebin.com/DRhRHKxe

Pantheon

Sitting in the shade of a pillar, enticed
By the figures carved of marble stone –
A pantheon rose over, dimming bellows
From all the burrows of their mythy mind,
And I, forsaken from their rift
(Much of the temple denied in me)
Sparked flint from my mortal tongue,
Flamed with arid, lips of woe:

“I’ll admit it, I lost. Your skill
Far too great. Far too long
Have you laboured, till the next
Dawn, and to me you are circled
Above our revolutions, pitied sum
Of Man! Dirigible to your works
Am I! Swallow on your cloudy roam!”

And the pantheon, with all divinity
Gleamed with eyes of silent beams
Espousing themselves, their pull of space,
Criss-crossed in time, my mimicry
A stolen word from earliest flame!
They, done with their legendry,
Entranced the holy sanctified
While my hands bound their shadow
Clipped from it, to make my veil!

What have you to say to them?
O, their tongue is far beyond your dusk –
What have you to say, mired
In the verses that hardly span
Earth, the pit of hell, the stars?

“I’m nothing! I learned nothing!
For naught am I, clay to your idea,
Nor does my wisdom breach the spheres,
Designed in classical concord to the drift
Of aeons speaking their services!
My time is already at an end,
And story set in realm, rafted upon seas
That wash to shores compassed by your tide!
Fall in failure, regret and crawl,
As timpani of a thousand ants!
I weep, I am nothing – Pantheon,
To your form, golden in all your curves,
From embodied desire sparked in the sun!”

But they, always watching, stern
In their chatting, never silent though
Their lips lack movement. Speak they do
In symbols limned from centrifuges.
They spoke of first arc, rimmed in man’s
Eyes – first light we hardly see,
Scalded first brain with its plight,
And sent the seeker, naught of seen.

Then, the stench of man, divides
My heart from the shadow of the stand
Where the statues stood, ambient night
Of a thousand Gods – a sister smile
Took my arm, held in its sway,
And said: “I am the human verse within,
Coursed through veins, dissolved in ink,
And one step beyond your amplitude’s
Crest. I am the best of men – stirred
In empathy to your woe. I do not
Speak much anymore. But sing
Upon your raging musk, gardening
The eternals that do float. Seek,
Beyond the quaff of dream,
And find – your pantheon sang in me.”