Hello Veeky Forums, what do you all think of my poetry so far? thinking of starting up a book of poems

hello Veeky Forums, what do you all think of my poetry so far? thinking of starting up a book of poems

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It would be really nice if semen tasted like honey.

Why do you sound like a tumblr girl? I assume you are a man since most of the internet is men, but desu your poems aren't that bad but they have the same tone as a tumblr girl. Pretty good poems but they have a weird smell of tumblr.

there is nothing wrong with tumblr

Eat pineapple every day.

Except that it's cliche to use their style and not be unique. Tumblr thinks like a hivemind.

no wonder he's talkin about honey then am i right lol

pfft ahhahahaha

Too much honey, not enough milk. poopi kaur/10

i think
it needs
more of the sublime

hehehehehehehe

I like the style for the most part. I'd consider changing "hungry?" to "angry?", as "angry" is similar-sounding to "hungry" enough to suggest it, but the use of "angry" would add a layer of nuance that ties into the next two lines in particular, and the poem as a whole.

Also, I'd rearrange

"i think

like buddha he"

to

"i think

like buddha" , with the he starting the next line instead.

This makes "i think like buddha" a self-referential statement more clearly, along with it being in reference to the subject of the poem.

anyone
can make random
line breaks
then
decide to
call it poetry

this

like fag OP
sucked my cocks
until my balls, alas
droped down

If you can't see that these line breaks aren't random then you have no place being on lit.

The point he is making is that the poem sucks but you are convincing yourself that it's good just because you can mimic other basic poems

Nah the poem doesn't suck at all. If you ask nicely I'll analyze the poem for you such that you can understand why.

I don't think it sucks, I am telling you his point because you don't understand what he was saying. And you clearly are inviting yourself to analyze it so go ahead. Tell me why your poem is so good.

(I didn't think it was bad, but I hope you don't prove me wrong now (ironically)).

I think the first is good, the second not, and the third in need of work.

I don't like your ending of sentences with 'he', just as it offends my aesthetic palate. Still, if that's going to be your convention, then I would say, rework the third as such; get rid of 'likes' and change the next line to 'savours sweets' or something like that.

Advice which might help:
Also, as a personal note, I have no problems with you writing this kind of poetry, but please tell me that you know how to write an English Sonnet or a blank verse poem as well. I think all poets who break the rules should at least know those rules and some of the tradition behind it.

I could also analyse that doesn't make it a good poem

Ay rupi calm down

If you wanted to make it clear that you didn't necessarily agree with him that the poem sucked then you'd say "The point he is make is that he thinks the poem sucks...".

And it's not my poem.

But anyway, here's why I thought this was a good.

The overall "feel" is that this is about a girl/woman who's opened up emotionally as a result of contact with a boy/man. It's developed into a crush, maybe some kind of relationship, but the feelings aren't returned.

"like buddha he
turned my knives
into flowers

my flowers
into
honey"

The first two stanzas immediately introduce Buddhist imagery and concepts. They flow in an appropriately serene, meditative way.
"Knives" suggest an emotional response to others that's guarded, defensive, possibly quite cynical, maybe with a sardonic sense of humor that stabs at people. The Buddhist pacification turns that attitude into "flowers", which has obvious connotations to new life and new growth, and also cliches about the early, tentative stages of relationships, with bouquets of flowers being involved in courtship rituals.

The obvious connection between Buddhism and flowers is the lotus, which has a specifically strong connotation with sexuality and "opening up". The lotus connection also brings to mind the lotus-eaters, and how they'd live in a serene, narcotic haze. This ties into the feeling of being hopelessly enamored with someone, once that early-stage flowers-crush has developed, been fertilized, and congealed into honey. Sickly sweet and sticky (and implicitly hard to escape), while having its own sexual connotations.
The transition from "flowers" into "honey" also continues the "stages" of an aspired to relationship. From the tentative "giving flowers" stage, to the point where people call each other "honey" (or would at least be comfortable doing so).

It's possible that the woman is actual in some sort of relationship with the man, rather than it being an unrequited crush, and the poem expresses the woman's desire for the relationship to progress (while highlighting why it might not). The "flowers to honey" idea, then, manages to refer to the emotional, romantic state of mind of the author, and also to the stages of a possible relationship that exists, and also to the desired stages of a relationship that doesn't exist. And also, in terms of physically sexual imagery, knives into flowers into honey being, like, vagina dentata into an opening-up flower arousal, into a sticky, honeyed wetness. Which is a pretty good depth of layers of possible meaning to be able to imply within a handful of words.

The next stanza varies from the others in that it's the only one that's self-questioning, and doesn't have the same serene flow as the others. It's sandwiched in the middle of the five stanzas, like a seed of self-doubt briefly flowering before the tone returns to this lotus-eating-crush-haze (though less strongly in the last two stanzas than the first two).

Metaphorically, the question suggests the woman asking themselves whether if they maintain their feelings, will their feelings be recognized as such in the event that the object of their desire "opens up" to the idea of being with the woman (either as part of a relationship that doesn't yet exist, or the furtherance of a "relationship" that exists in some form (but not one that she desires).

Another way of interpreting it, though, is that the woman is in a casual relationship with the man, performing sexual favors while receiving none in return, to the degree that the man may be taking advantage the strength of the woman's feelings. The classic, vulnerable, "can I suck his cock enough to make him like me?".

That self-doubting air of exploitation is assuaged somewhat by the last two stanzas. The woman reflects that he just might not "like sweet things". We're tied back to a "like buddha" comparison, neatly bookending the poem. It might be the case that the man, rather than not wanting to return the woman's feelings, is actually incapable of doing so.
It's quite bittersweet, in that the man has prompted a bursting-forth of vitality in the woman, but might himself have none to offer. The poem ends on "starvation", associated with crop failures and death on a large scale. This completes the birth-growth-death cycle prompted by the imagery in the start of the poem, and leaves an open question as to whether there'll be a Buddhist "rebirth" from the woman moving her new-found ability to connect with others emotionally/romantically onto someone else capable of returning her feelings, or whether she'll stop drinking any honey, and allow herself to decay back to how she was before meeting the object of her current affections.


Overall the poem has a nice flow to it, echoes the ideas raised in the poem within the structure of the poem itself, and uses culturally ingrained imagery to successfully convey a depth of various different notions, feelings, ideas, whatever, within very few words. Which is pretty impressive.

>lol bud ha maed me enliten

It's depressing to see so many people falling for bait.
Old Eastern philosophy

Are you white? Then this is okay.

Are you a minority? Publish a book of these and you will get an award.

im a spiritual
lyrical
miracle
individual

Just me
and my daddy
hanging out
I got
pretty hungry
so I started
to pout
He asked if I was down
for something yummy
and I asked what
and he said he'd give me his cummies!

you can't post that and not post the rest of it i mean wtf

Sounds like something from a Swans track. I like the sharp contrast of soft and hard images. There's a lingering malice left with the reader at the end of each stanza. You also use typically arbitrary line breaks with an actual purpose- the effect is like wandering through the mind of an innocent, naive child.

You're wasting your time. In every poetry thread, Veeky Forums proves that the majority of us are a bunch of pseuds with no knowledge of poetry or capability of appreciating it. They all just jump on the immediate aesthetics and that's it. Really depresses me.

Of course it's garbage, but why not "the Buddha"?

First one is actually pretty good OP. The rest is trash though. You overdid the honey thing

I find it more confusing than depressing. I genuinely don't understand how people can consider the op's material as a talentless "tumblr" poem with "random" line breaks for the purpose of some conceited aesthetic.

But I don't think I've wasted my time, as the OP might have seen that someone got what they were trying to do, and appreciated it.

Because what the OP wrote is better than your suggested replacement.

>You overdid the honey thing

That's part of the point of the poem, which you've strangely managed to grasp unconsciously.

This is about gay sex right? What is wrong with me?

deciduous men
shiver in the
breeze
jealous of the
evergreens

roses are red just
like my
anger
don't approach me,
danger

fumbling I insert my
enter key
into the door of
poetry
line breakers
that flow like
waves on
the
sure thing

labour day work but
it's time
and a half
wishing I was
couch slouching but
this too shall
pass


am I better
than O
P?

no

>most of the internet is men
This is 2017 not 1992