R8 please

r8 please

Of all that is obscure yet bright,
I beseech thee O muse do crown
This man, alleviate the plight,
As when in Olympus they frown
On man in full serenity,
Of life burnt in sterility

it sucks ass lmao

rate mine:
microphone check
one
two
what is this

It ain't the 18th century any more, bub

I know, it's practice, is it any good tho

bump

kind of

It helps to read poetry before writing it

>serenity
>sterility

rhymes like this are bad. suffix based rhymes are weak

>O
meter filler shouldn't be this obvious. replace it with 'the' and be less obnoxious

also, this doesn't real tell us anything

Embarrassing. It's the opening of the Odyssey.

Homer would have given his right eye to write like you.

The opening of the odyssey is (1) in greek, (2) not a good poem by itself. If it was, then it wouldn't have to be so long. What shitty-ass translation would be in tetrameter?

>reading Homer in rhyming translation

wew lad

If you have to ask, you're not a poet

The five foot assassin with the ruffneck business
I float like gravity, never had a cavity
Got more rhymes than the Winans got family

I agree, but this is not poetry, this is practice; I don't plan on doing poetry in English. It's not my mother tongue

It's not, I did it myself. Its a reference tho.

Your remarks are stupid. The O is absolutely not a filler. Also it does say something.

thx :)

bump

>rhyming translation
>Not knowing the phrase for that
I didn't expect you to know about poetry

what is the phrase for that?

>my remarks are stupid

learn to accept criticism,

I can recognize invalid ones. Saying the O is a filler is plain dumb

learn to accept criticism of your criticism,
your criticism is badly uninformed

what does your 'O' do that 'thee doesn't?

rythm, reference to Homer, establishing the relation to the muse as one of deference, a bunch of things

>rhthym
i agreed to that, but now i'm trying to scan it again, and there are some weird choices.
>reference to Homer
no, muse might be, but 'O' isn't
>establishing the relation to the muse as one of deference
so does 'beseech' and the fact you're literally addressing a muse

regardless, it wasn't my only critique (the suffix rhyme is a worse offender)

Here is more, pls r8

Of all that is obscure yet bright,
I beseech thee O muse do crown
This man, alleviate the plight,
As atop Olympus they frown
On man in great serenity,
Of life burnt in sterility.

For thy palms hold its remedy,
And as you wish, frightful goddess,
Does man see of old Arcady
The shore, to dwell in hapiness
Renewed, and thy pink lips the loot
for which we live, as trees bear fruit.

'Cause it is renewal we seek,
For memory of bliss and song,
sweet remembrance of times antique,
Remain. How verily I long
for thee! Muse O muse! I implore,
See that my eyes see this once more!

typo -- it's : remains.

I post this quickly because this thread is getting 404d but it needs work, more specifically I want to develop the last verse of the second stanza

boring
pretentious
devoid of meaning
middle-school tier rhymes

3/10

Stop trying to write like a classical poet.

that's just mean

im the op. why is everybody here so stupid? I'm not saying my stuff is necessarily good but all i'm getting is dickeads like this who can't read nor formulate any sensible critique. pretty disappointing

Why are you trying to write epic poetry? why would someone bother to read it when they could just go read the actual classics?

Find your own voice instead of trying to imitate the work of a different era.

Dawg, imitating classics is a huge, huge step in getting your own voice. And if you're worried about readership in practice pieces, you're gonna be really constricted in what you can learn.

>t. one of the people he called a stupid dickead

Im sorry m8. give some feedback pls

Practice