Story time

This is a childs
Story

He comes later

Not the dude you're replying to. But listen, it's not bad. But that's not bad in a, I'm drunk and I want some food on the way home so I grab a slice of pizza and it wasn't bad.

You're not gonna get any michelin stars and I don't think that's what you expect, but that's what Veeky Forums is about. It's about literature. It's about the best of the best, restaurants that are run by chefs who are pushing the bounds of their medium.

So it's like you showing up to a michelin starred restaurant convention and asking, "hey guys, what do you think of my late-night pizza?"

It's good, it's greasy, and most of the time it's fine, but it's not going to win any awards. And that's fine. But you're in the wrong place for support.

In summary, fuck you OP and fuck off with your bullshit

You gotta start somewhere

The silent majority tho

Plz give story tips

I'm sorry, but the mere fact that you printed and shared a kids story to Veeky Forums means you're starting in the wrong place. The writing is poor to be honest. I don't read children's books and I don't see it as a legitimate medium. Unless this story is preparing them for the death of the way they see the world at a young age, a la I'll Love You Forever, this is shit.

Almost halfway lit lads

Can you be specific with your critique?

This board has plenty of terrible threads and im sharing a completed short,
Seasonally appropriate story

How about my font choice

this Gracie is such a cocktease. hurry up and get to the part where she gives the succ so i can blow my load

Hows the pacing

Abusing dialogue in order to show emotion, for one. But that's only because this is a children's book and children inherently don't have such an advanced grasp of body language. So you do stuff like use a million question marks and exclamation marks to emphasize surprise, instead of using your words.

You're also making it impossible to give any real critique of your ability to identify and describe emotion (the whole point of literature imo) because you're writing with kids in mind. The story and characters seem idealized and one dimensional. It seems like you set out to write a kid's book, based on the template set by other kid's books. In other words, you're following a trope.

No offence, but if you want actual critique post something you're writing for adults. Because this is pointless to post. It feels like posting a sketch you drew in class on an art forum.

Should i pay an illustrator?

I actually wrote it with my kids, i improvise problems and they dream up solutions

I agree, it kind of reads like a radio play

nice manicure

Chewed my nails, so nervous bc ive never done this

None of that replies to what I said. Even worse, it's sentimental for you. So why the fuck do you care what we think? You think you and your kids are gonna create the next Booker Prize winning novel? Man, fuck off. Enjoy the experience you had sharing this with your kids, and value it for what it is, but don't pretend it's literature.

It's shit writing. It's a beautiful memory for you and your children. Suck a dick.

Posting from
Phone, will reply in depth soon

Almost to the surprise

Well the question marks are fun for kids, have you ever read robert munch? It's for extra emphasis.

Yeah there isn't much time for character development, the story is kind of long enough as it is. The "bedtime" story length for pre 5 years old usually caps out at 15 minutes or so.

"Saving Christmas" is definitely a played trope, I wanted to have a fun romp with silly surprises thrown in. Although it would have been nice to craft a new classic, this was a project that I finished in a day and a half with my children over the holiday break (they are not quite 4 years old)

since there isn't any /kidslit/ page, this was the most appropriate board. If I bumped off a Jordan Peterson hate thread or a "DFW was a hack" thread or "rate my stack" thread that someone was keen on, well that's just too bad

Thats all gang, glad you liked it and very merry christmas

I had a lot of fun sewing the plot together, it was the first time I've been able to write since I quit drinking 3 years ago. The inspiration moments when I had sudden ideas was very fun for me, I thought maybe they would be fun for you guys too.

Yes it's sentimental to me, I can be perfectly sincere about that

Any Dad's out there have reading recommendations for under 5 years?

So what the hell did you want to hear? I'm not five years old, I don't give a shit about this.

>this was a project that I finished in a day and a half with my children over the holiday break

So what the fuck do I care about it on the Veeky Forums board? What do you want to hear? That it was amazing? That I loved it?

You want to hear my opinion as if I was reading it in a novel? You want a pat on the back? Post this on Reddit if you want a bunch of people saying it's cute. Post the album on r/pics and it would be nice. But why the fuck are you here? Do I give a fuck about the circumstances in which you wrote this shit? Do I care that Hemingway was tanked when he wrote his novels?

No. I care about the finished result. And there's nothing of value I can get from what you've written.

You're whoring out what should be saved for you and your kids, and I'm embarrassed for you that you posted it here. Do yourself a favor and never come to this thread again.

What if I tell you it's absolutely shit writing? Does it ruin the memory you have of writing it with your kids? Does it give you pause next time you see it sitting on the bedside table of your youngest one?

Just terrible.

I'm sorry I'm being so harsh, and you seem like a fantastic father to write this with your kids. But that's why I'm so triggered man. Don't post something like this here. Save the emotion you've attached to this story for you and your family. I wish I did this stuff with my parents.

But you're not going to find any good feedback here.

Yeah but as a kids story? I like hemmingway too, huge fan of islamds in the stream.

My audience is 5 year olds, maybe read it a child and see what they say

If you read a lot of childrens books maybe youd be able to compare better

I read a few new books a day to my kids, and we work on novels too- EB White and Rohld Dahl. Im often surprised at what they love- sometimes its a book with zero plot, and just a gimmick, or a silly character. The final word has not beem written on kid lit

To people with no kids: you’re kids are only 3 questions away from a very deep question, they may be inexperienced but they are not dumb.

The other night my son broke crayons. Told him to stop and he didnt. Then said he was making a bad choice, and he asked me “why can i choose?”

>can't spell Hemingway
>thinks kid lit is an actual genre yet to be "established"
>"maybe read it a child"
>wants critique of a book with "zero plot" and a "silly character"

Okay, I take it back, you're retarded. Your writing sucks.

It has plot, and my phone doesn’t autocorrect

Are you a dad or have young people in your life you care for?

No, and that's exactly why you shouldn't post your kids book on the predominantly young LITERATURE BOARD.

yeah but there are some people who browse here that aren't dead ends on the family tree (no offence), I'm sure to get some feedback eventually.

I was hoping for answers to questions like this:

Are there plot holes? Is it too scary? Is it too long? Can a kid pay attention long enough? How about the visuals, can you picture what I'm describing? What about the vocab level, too high or what?

If you expected a lost chapter of Dubliners, I'm sorry if I lead to astray. Please consider my list of questions though

Are you trying to induce neck strain?

>What!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!!!!??!!!??!!?!!?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!

i had a >LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT

>p'tooied
What the fuck

>Santa's(is) visit
?

I'm not going to read more, i'm sorry.

I don't think a child can relate to being out of milk, what child gives a flying fuck if the household is out of milk.

Sorry, missed a page where the milk is for Santa i guess?

Fuck knows, good night

>He thinks Veeky Forums is an elite bastion of writers and readers

Never forget you're just one click from animal titties and horse cock anime.

you could say the same about facebook

you could even say your one short car drive away from a sex shop

fuck off

Yeah the very first page of text (sideways)

I'm sleep deprived and thought the story was written by 3 kids for some kind of school project, I was impressed until I realized it was written by a grown man.

Well i typed but we all worked on it. Did you see my question list?

Are there plot holes? Is it too scary? Is it too long? Can a kid pay attention long enough? How about the visuals, can you picture what I'm describing? What about the vocab level, too high or what?

Weak argument, did you arrive here because you heard there was high brow lit chat?

wait this is supposed to be a kid's story? I thought it was a story you wrote as a kid

I wrote this with my children, it was fun. I say things like “what you be doing thhe night before Christmas” and they answer- setting up santas snack, then i pose potential problems (theres no milk!) and they create solutions

Lots of fun to write, the grandparents love it too

Bumping for visibility

>tfw Veeky Forums culture is such trash that people deny the possibility of a good thread even when given an opportunity

Thanks. I'm the OP and I brought the book to work early in the week and gave it out to parents with kids age 4 to 12. There were some that couldn't pay attention long enough, but one little girl said "I loved that story" and that really is my target audience.

Just scan the catalogue and see about 85% nonsense meme related threads.

I'll just post this old stack of mine to bump the thread. Still hoping people will come in and have a quick read!

Good story, user.
Pretty cute.

>sans serif
fucking TRASHED