What are your opinions on this Veeky Forums?

It almost literally starts with, 'It was a dark and stormy night...' Red flag. Bring the reader into this scene don't just describe it. Focus on one thing and then expand. I want to know how the sheriff is flirting with the waitress, what line he uses, his technique. Is he practiced, a ladies man? Or is he sleazy and she hates serving him but can't tell him off because she needs the tips and he's the law? I want to know what she's wearing, how high her skirt is hiked up, how big her tits are and how much they're exposed. Allude to the suspicious man, as though the reader shouldn't notice him either, but he's a bit off putting so our attention gradually shifts and we're watching him over the sheriff's shoulder as he mentions the waitress' necklace dangling in her cavernous cleavage.

That's some good advice user and the mix of past and present I never noticed I fucked up with, I'm rushing this. I will go back and describe the sheriff in more detail, the waitress's tits are huge btw southern accent, the buttons could fly out from her shirt at anytime and put the sheriff's eye out.

Present tense may work in some kind of stream of consciousness writing.

keep writing nigga

is it a novel / short story or a screenplay?
For heaven's sake, man!

I'm planning a novel, the story is about a man who ends up alone in an abandoned town, he tries to figure out who he is and the signs are his flashbacks.

spooky hallucinations too, I'm trying to leave signs within his surroundings as well.

didn't land ey?

I'm saying that your first paragraph sounds exactly like a scenic introductory description for a play or screenplay. So, I'm basically agreeing with what some guy said earlier. It's a rookie mistake to start off with that cheesy description. Instead, start off with an important line of dialogue or something that swoops you into the scene rather than simply and gently placing the reader there in such a heavily descriptive way. This doesn't mean that you can't start with description at all. Instead, start with the description of a significant action which bears some sort of symbolic relevance to the themes of your novel.

maybe start off by explaining the protagonists current feelings and then describing the diner and characters that are there?

i don't want to be rude, friendo, but this is pretty bad.

let people add coments to the paper so we can actually edit it

this is a bad idea. it's going to end up like every "Veeky Forums writes a book" where people write a bunch of nonsense.

Yeah I know it's bad. It's really the plot, I want to know if anyone is interested in, or atleast somewhat interested in, maybe with improved writing it will add interest?

Any improvement?

is there any reason why we need to know that no one is aware of the flask or that he's drinking from it?

Yes, there is.

Dont mind peoples opinions too much. Don't change it to suit everyone. Find something inside yourself or a memory you want to capture. Write that out and cut 4/5 of it. You find when reading top writers, how strict they are, how much thought went into their words. Its kind of shocking.

Well the first sentence doesn't have a main action. If you get rid of the while it might make sense:
>Frank, sitting alone with sweat pouring down his face, drank from a flask; no one was aware of it.
Or simply
>Frank sat alone, sweat pouring down his face as he drank from a flask; no one was aware of it.

Probably would be better if the sweat was dripping into his flask, which would make the whole "no one was aware of it" make sense, as the simple act of drinking isn't usually something others WOULD be aware of

Frank, sat alone with sweat pouring down his face, dripping into his almost empty flask that was once filled with bourban, no one was aware of it.

Thanks for the advice, I will write this to the way that it suits me, however feedback is nice, but I am only gonna give each feedback my own opinion and decide.

Well it's better but I don't understand the comma after Frank if his direct action comes next. No one was aware of it is independent. I don't want to be a dick but you don't have a great grasp of our language. It's nothing you can't overcome but I would probably have written it as:

Frank sat alone, sweat pouring down his face, dripping into the almost-empty flask of bourbon; no one was aware of it. -OR- bourbon. No one was aware of it.

I'm not going to give you anymore feedback because I don't want it to get to a point where it becomes 'my own'.

You said you don't live in America, but is English your native language?

I'm from the UK, I'm a recovering addict trying to start writing, my English isn't great but I know I have the potential, I fucking know it.

Oh geez, this is like the stuff I had to help ESL students with. It was a literally copy paste basic form writing style, and it was almost impossible to get across what was wrong.

First, parentheses don't really belong in this kind of writing. You'd be surprised, but appositive phrases are not taught in English classes. Learn those. And any other comma rule you ignored in highschool. Just Google it and read everything.

Second, do an outline. Start with bullet points and incomplete sentences, and do your whole story like that. Skip details and exact wording, that's for latter. Outlining is for rearranging things quickly. Some people like note cards, like in the movie business, get all your scenes or cool ideas you want to include on each card, and get them in the right order. Then write the actual words to make the flow work. Transitions are really important but for short story or novel writing it's so you don't get ahead of yourself and forget to describe something important that is needed later.

Third, read some books you want your writing to be like. Like 2-3 hours a day should be sent reading. Literally anything will help. You don't have to jump right into George Orwell, genre fiction and pulp stuff is helpful if your reading good stuff. Or at least if you know if it's not good, you can avoid stuff. Actually I suggest reading something really mediocre, but with a skeptical eye. Stuff like Halo or Warhammer books, where you know the settings really well, and the author fucks it up. It will drive you crazy, that's good.

Also, keep writing, but don't be afraid of chucking an idea and moving on. Good luck.

Thanks user. I'd like to ask, do you find it more difficult reading from a computer? I noticed it's much harder, leading me to believe I need to read more from actual paper.

good luck, user. Keep reading and writing everyday. Keep a diary or something, it'll help.

This is atrocious.

>50s style diner
>typical fat bald guy
>attractive blond
You call these descriptions? I surely hope this is just your shorthand, roughly sketched outline that you plan to elaborate on. Nothing you said conveys the image to me that you want to present. Start by assuming your reader is unfamiliar with any of these things on a cultural level, and illustrate it from there just WHAT those things really are. Or you're doomed to amateur, fanfic-tier obscurity.

I made the edit to those points. Did you not see my second screenshot?

That first sentence doesn't make much sense grammatically. It seems like you should be finishing the thought that started with Frank. It currently reads, "Frank, no one was aware of it." Just as was stated earlier, it doesn't seem important to explicitly state that "no one was aware of it." If you do want to convey this point, I would suggest that he was sipping secretly from his flask or something along those lines. But yeah, it doesn't seem worthy of being the main clause of your first sentence.

I'm going to have to continue agreeing with past posters in this thread. You should read more English prose in order to get an ear for bad writing (being able to articulate why writing is bad) before you attempt this plot. But, then again, I see no reason why practice isn't a bad idea.

Hell no. The only thing writing of that calibre warranted from me was a shitpost from the catalogue.

Well then, scroll on the fuck past my post. Surely you're used to shitposts by now?

No, the mediocrity of the first paragraph, which is actually all I read, compelled me quite emphatically to acknowledgment.

But you didn't emphatically read my edits and offer any more input.

I read from an e-ink reader in bed, or in a comfy chair. Paper books are good too, but they get expensive when you read alot. occasionally has ebook dumps. And alot of hentai. But I digress.

Computer screen reading is ok for technical stuff. I read alot of scientific journals and such, so being to work on other things on the fly us helpful. But for novels, nope, no good.

E ink is like magic, it only uses electricity when the pages change believe it or not. It's like an etch-a-sketch with iron fillings. Very cool, and pretty dang cheap if you get a used guy. loves them, I'm sure they already have a thread about them.

"Hell no" You shouldn't mention the word emphatically pal. You don't know the meaning of it,

I'll have a look on amazon. Reading from a computer screen I think is the reason I found picking up the habit of reading difficult.