Some of your imagery could be better. For example, instead of "making the noise of a helicopter" you could replace that with "screaming like a helicopter" or "filling the room with thousands of helicopters" or something to that effect.
Your reliance on "was" is to my distaste as well; you could easily replace verb phrases like "was knocked" to "blew out".
The sentence structure also repeats itself with compound sentences over and over. It feels robotic; in fact, the whole thing feels robotic.
This reads like powerfantasy fallout fanfiction. Awful fanfiction at that. I hope it's ironic for your sake holy shit. "Get in there and no funny bussiness." Holy shit my duder...
Grayson Jenkins
Thanks for the critique, very helpful. I wouldn't have noticed any of that on my own.
Jaxson Brooks
"Alright I did take off my pants in his apartment, " I said to him. Maybe I enjoyed watching his face turn from angry to disbelief. Maybe I am doing this to hurt him. He is so attached to the idea of us being together forever that, maybe, telling him the truth might actually be of benefit to him. I didn't deserve his dog-like loyalty. And perhaps, I do like cheating on him. But instead his expression turned into that of dismay and defeat. He looked down at his feet and lowered his head. I utterly destroyed him and I felt not a single ounce of remorse.
Later that night, in an email, he sent me a collection of all the poems he wrote for me. They were utter crap and made me hate him more. He treated us like we were in love in the old world where loyalty and sweetness mattered. I'm young, I have the world to explore. I can't stay with him. A boring romantic who never gets tired of my presence and always tried his best to appease me. And the sad part of it all is that he is the best boyfriend I ever had.
Gavin Hill
>her >load huhuhuhuhuh you said 'load' say cargo instead
Avoid adverbs. Gross likeness, tumor dog. what the fuck do you mean shooting them like marbles? I thought you shot marbles with a thumb. That's how it was in all the old cartoons I ever saw anyways.
Change 'resembling' to 'like'. I don't buy all this stuff about remembering actions but not names. I just don't buy it. Seems made up to me. Its so pretentious man. Granted that last criticism is a matter of taste. But nothing's going on...
Josiah Bennett
Not an english person or anything, but something compelled me to write lyrics to this song. I have never done something like this before:
The sun’s behind the clouds The air now smells of ash If only you could hear me If only you could see me I’d conceive of a way to make things last
But dawn has turned to dusk and my heart starts to run amok When the daylight comes, at day break I’ll cringe the second I awake But in this very moment I can’t explain
Drawn in by your scarlet dress, your sparkling eyes I walk up and I try to say goodbye But you say “It’s okay, It’s fine if you stay” You ask me if I want to dance I do decide to take the chance Oh how the night then passed swiftly away!
No more clouds do I see The sky is filled with stars We’re holding hands and yawning Soon the sun will be dawning How it turned out this way I can’t explain
(Piano Solo in song)
No more clouds do I see The sky is filled with stars We’re holding hands and yawning Soon the Sun will be dawning How it turned out this way I can’t explain
Any and all criticism is welcomed!
Sebastian Ward
at the root of all these criticisms is that this style seems forced, trying to be higher than it really is. Try to write it as if you were telling a story to a friend. Perhaps that's awful advice that you can disregard out of hand... you don't have to take the positive suggestions, but I suggest you do take the negative ones.
Brody Ramirez
>Avoid adverbs Shit advice. Adverbs build mood
Jack Russell
yeah cause "vaguely" really steeps me in a subtle mood...
Gonna quote some shit lines that made me cringe with some commentary
> I saw her years ago when a truck full of oranges jumped a curb and spilled some of its load onto the street by our little herd. Spilled a load eh? > She had stuffed her blouse full of oranges and she looked like an ancient tumorous dog. When she walked the oranges undulated in her blouse, and a heat bloomed... Beautiful (not) > I must keep a log of those actions which are familiar to me so that I can recognize them in patterns. The names come with the repetition. Oh you must? Are you retarded or autistic?
> For example, I know my mother from the way she moves a pan across the stove, like she’s balancing an invisible ball in the grease. The rolls of fat beneath her arms move just so as she does this, and the socks she downed and wore, the ones with the pink dogs on them, crawl down her ankles with her movements. Lmao good for you?
> These things are my mother - a moving pan, tremors in her arm, and socks that move on their own down ankles. There are other patterns like this, but hers is hers and that is how I know her. You really are autistic
