Gilgamesh Thread

Alright Veeky Forums, I'm drunk at home on a Saturday night and all I wanna do is share my love for the original Chad himself, Gilgamesh. Tonight I will be attempting to relate this ancient tale to you in the only way I know how. Through unfunny, tryhard greentext.

>be me
>mighty Gilgamesh, son of Lugalbanda and Ninsun, 1/3 god and 2/3 man, builder of the impenetrable walls of Uruk and almighty king of the empire of Sumer
>pretty much the strongest, coolest, sexiest motherfucker alive and everyone knows it
>civilians are all beta orbiters who worship the ground I walk on even though I'm constantly abusing my power for shits and gigs
>even created a rule that says no woman can get married in the city of Uruk until I've dumped a load of my divine seed in her
>betas are pissed but too pussy to do anything about it because I'm fucking Gilgamesh
>hear a rumor one day that betas are so triggered by the mandatory cuckings that they have started praying to the gods to create another man as strong and perfect as me to humble me and put me in my place
>lolwut.jpg
>only these uneducated goons would think of something that stupid
>no way the gods would listen to such a retarded request
>besides, the gods love me
>I mean really, who doesn't
>I'm motherfucking Gilgamesh

Other urls found in this thread:

youtube.com/watch?v=rOFWLtYvkNQ
youtube.com/watch?v=YcZzJiQ9b70
twitter.com/SFWRedditGifs

Fuck that harlot Shamhat. Enkidu was free. Fuck beer and clothes.

>start having weird dreams
>something about a meteor crashing to the ground outside of the city
>for some reason, touching it made me really happy and shit
>definitely some weird, divine vision shit going on
>go talk to my mom, Ninsun
>she's a prophet who speaks for the gods, nbd
>she tells me that soon, I will meet somebody who will change my life forever, a companion
>immediately start fucking as many temple prostitutes as humanly possible in preparation for possible marriage
>lol as if I'd stop fucking them anyway
>fucking Gilgamesh, etc.

>chilling at the palace, eating grapes or whatever Sumerians eat
>some weak ass hunter is escorted into the room by some guards
>starts babbling incoherently about some kind of "hairy wild man of the plains" stopping him from hunting by fucking up his traps and alerting the wild herds whenever he tries to stalk them
>says the animals see him as one of their own and he believes he is one of them
>this guy is fucking crazy
>I'm gonna fuck with him
>"So you say the animals think he's one of them right?"
>"Uh...uh, yeah."
>"Here's what you do. Take one of my temple prostitutes and have her show him her boobies. Then, he'll run over and have sex with her and the animals will see that he is a human. They'll abandon him and you'll be free to hunt."
>lol what a crock of shit, have fun with your "wild man", buddy
>hopefully the free hooker is enough to keep him from coming back

Gilgamesh is a better story than anything Homer wrote. Come at me, faggots.

Agreed without a moment's hesitation

>one week later
>wake up to shouting in the city
>fuck is this all about, I've got a wedding cucking planned this afternoon
>throw on some dank ass princely garb and walk outside to see what the betas are on about
>"Our prayers have been answered!"
>"It is him! He who is equal to Gilgamesh!"
>"Praise the gods!"
>what
>the crowd begins to part, but I can already see him
>he's at least a foot taller than everybody else
>just like me
>wait a second
>does this motherfucker have horns
>suddenly I'm face to face with a tall, sexy hunk of man with the horns of a bull and the most robust body hair I've ever seen
>his arm is being held by the temple hooker I sent with that retarded hunter
>she's walking like he's been doing nothing but fucking her for six days and seven nights
>well I'll be damned
>alright then
>let's do this wild man

>wild cuck says something about how he's recently learned what it means to be human and he will not allow me to continue fucking the wives of the soy boys who populate my city
>don't even really listen, I'm already zeroed in on this motherfucker
>square up to him
>same height
>same build
>let's go
>hit him with that sweet chin music
>suddenly feel my cheekbone pop as the fucker whacks me at the same time
>okay now I'm actually upset
>tackle this fucker to the ground
>we wrassling now boi
>crowd is cheering, making bets amongst themselves
>this guy is strong
>really strong
>the strongest I've ever seen
>but not as strong as Gilgamesh
>go for his gay ass cow horns and use them to twist him around
>pin the fucker hard and start trying to tear his god damn leg off
>he gives, begging for mercy
>the crowd goes quiet as I stand up over him, silently
>he looks up to me from his knees, breathing heavily
>"There can be no doubt. You are the strongest. You are Gilgamesh, mightiest of all."
>help him up
>look him in the eyes
>"Wanna go get drunk and fuck some bitches?"

>every new bride must first have their hymen broken by Gilgamesh
it doesn't get more Chad than that

pls
continue

>turns out wild man is bro as fuck
>his name is Enkidu and he was born from the clay of the earth by the goddess Aruru to answer the prayers of the people of Uruk
>knows literally everything about nature since he was born of it
>shit that's pretty dope
>Enkidu becomes closest ally, as he is the only other person in the world who is as chad as me
>we get into all kinds of tomfoolery together, going on adventures and eating or fucking everything in sight
>shits so fun that I don't even feel the need to dom my beta citizens like I used to
>one day, I get kind of down
>"What's up with you Gilgamesh?"
>"I just kind of feel like I haven't done anything amazing in a while. What if I die tomorrow? I need to do more shit that will keep my name remembered throughout history."
>suddenly get an idea as I look out from my high tower
>I built the mighty walls of Uruk, but they lack an equally mighty gate
>I should build one
>but one pussy ass gate isn't enough, it needs to be made of something spectacular
>wood
>we don't have trees in Sumer
>"Enkidu, where can I find some trees? And not just any trees. The best trees that exist in all the world"
>"Those would be the trees of the sacred Cedar Forest of Enlil, king of the gods."
>perfect

>"Don't you fucking do this, Gilgamesh."
>yeah mom whatever
>everybody is giving me shit for wanting to cut down Enlil's cedars
>like I fucking care
>"My son, the Cedar Forest is guarded by Huwawa, Enlil's most powerful demon. His roar is thunder and his breath is hellfire. He is terror incarnate. You must not go!"
>so on and so forth
>even Enkidu starts giving me the business over it
>"I don't know about this, Gilgamesh. Huwawa is one of the most powerful creatures in existence. Perhaps this is not wise."
>turn around and grab the Tarzan motherfucker by the shoulders
>"After all the shit we've been through, now you're wussing out on me?"
>"I just don't know if we can handle this, dude."
>"Enkidu. Us two companions, together as one, can overcome anything."
>he is visibly impressed at my sound byte
>damn right, put that shit on a t-shirt
>leave a little while later, everybody in town is super nervous and anxious lol
>for anybody else, the trip would take months, but the two of us do it in a week
>Enkidu shows me secrets of nature, like where to find hidden springs of water and mysterious foods that I've never seen before
>I fucking love this guy
>finally we reach the Cedar Forest
>that's when shit gets real

>this forest is fucking huge
>as soon as we step inside, we know we're being watched
>Enkidu is visibly nervous
>I'm rock hard
>after a bit, we get to chopping on the tallest tree in the forest, which I have decided I will use for my big ass gate
>immediately, the sky starts to darken and the earth starts to shake
>uh oh, looks like Enlil is pissed
>doesn't take long before the rumbling begins to get worse from a distinct direction, and tree limbs can be heard snapping in the distance
>lightning flies around in the sky as the trees part and the ugliest motherfucker I've ever seen charges out of the brush
>so ugly I can't even rightfully describe it
>just huge and hairy and fleshy with a huge mouth and sharp claws
>it's pretty scary
>really scary actually
>fuck, I'm actually fucking terrified
>beta.jpg
>run and hide in bushes like a bitch, literally shaking
>Enkidu runs over and rightfully calls me out for being a cowardly chode
>"What are you doing! Where is all of your bravery now?!"
>"You were right, Enkidu. We should never have come here."
>it's all over, we can't fight that
>any second now, it will tear us apart
>Enkidu grabs my shoulders
>"Gilgamesh."
>looks into my eyes
>"Us two companions, together as one, can overcome anything."

>Huwawa starts bellowing some bullshit about how this forest is the property of Enlil and that he would destroy us for trespassing
>blah blah blah
>walk out of the bush, pretending I wasn't just hiding like a bitch
>"You aren't the only one with a god on your side"
>most gods are dicks, but Shamash, god of the sun, he's pretty cool
>especially since he is my main divine supporter
>being a dope ass king has benefits, and divine favor is one of them
>call on the power of Shamash, compelling each of the 13 winds to combine their strength and attack the demon with their full power
>basically just hit this ugly fuckhead with all of the world's wind at once in a single cosmic tornado
>but fuck me, he's still kicking in there
>whatever, time to show him why I'm the king
>"Enkidu, give me a boost!"
>Enkidu grabs me by the ankles, spins me around and chucks me into the storm, right toward Huwawa
>draw divine weapon™
>cut that bitch like a Christmas ham
>the winds fade and return to their original directions
>stand over barely living Huwawa, blood billowing from his body, weapon at his throat
>we getting some dank ass cedar trees today, nigga

>Huwawa suddenly starts crying like a little bitch
>begs me to spare his life
>wat.jpg
>Enkidu tells me to split this cocksmoker so we can get back to Uruk with our gains
>"QUIET, FILTHY WILD MAN! Do you truly believe yourself to be equal to this warrior? You are no more human than I am! We are both made from nature, but you have betrayed your brethren! Mighty Gilgamesh, how can you associate yourself with such miserable company?"
>actually can't believe the shit he just said about naturebro, stand there in shock
>Enkidu is visibly upset and hurt
>looks at me
>"Kill this wretch, Gilgamesh and let us be done with it."
>"FOOL! I SHALL DIE HERE, BUT I SHALL BE AVENGED! I CURSE YOU, TRAITOROUS ENKIDU! AS I DIE, SO SHALL YOU!"
>okay, that's enough
>slash this cunt until his throat looks like shredded taco meat
>look at Enkidu
>he starts to smile
>so do I
>laugh our asses off as we cut down half the fucking forest, build a raft and sail down the Euphrates all the way back to Uruk
>mission accomplished

youtube.com/watch?v=rOFWLtYvkNQ

>upon our return, we are treated as heroes, like usual
>Enkidu puts up the new gate in record time and I mount Huwawa's nasty ass head on it just for laughs
>as I'm headed back to the palace, a woman approaches me
>she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, perfect rack and ass, long soft hair, plump lips, fine robes, etc.
>I immediately know who it is
>her statues are all over the city
>Ishtar, goddess of love, sex and war
>thot detected
>"Oh hello, my handsome king."
>she starts touching my pecs as she presses herself against me
>starts spouting all this bullshit about how desperate she is to receive my mighty seed, how she can please me like no other woman, blah blah blah
>"So, what do you say?"
>"How about that you're a dirty bitch who will fuck anything that moves and that all the men you fuck somehow always meet with horrific, torturous and often magically influenced deaths? Fuck off."
>continue on my way
>hear Enkidu laughing his ass off back at the gate as Ishtar starts bellowing at me
>thot patrolled

Somebody doesn't understand Gilgamesh. haha dae memes xdddddd

youtube.com/watch?v=YcZzJiQ9b70

Time for Inky fucking doo, fuckers!

gazelles are more tight too

also, user, consider to check "zeus grants stupid wishes: a no-bullshit guide to world mythology", it's pretty much what you are doing, except with dudes and stuff instead of greentext

another pic of a tight gazelle like that one who left enkidu after he cheated on her with a human woman

I had a professor who pronounced it inky-doo. He was a chinese fuck who gave me a failing grade because my paper didn't adress the essay topic specifically enough so I dropped the course

>that 1488 filename
praise it

I imagine Humbaba looking like the Dragon's Dogma Ogre

i personally wonder what those "auras" of humbaba were and also about those weird living stone things from the end of the poem

i even tried to ask some sumerian lit prof via email but got no answer

still posting cute deer girls
the whole poem is about the danger of cheating on your animal waifus, enkidu realized it when he was dying and he cursed the whore who misled him from his gazelle hugging ways