I just went through a loss, and my normal moral autism...

I just went through a loss, and my normal moral autism, which usually barely functions and constantly rubs against reality the wrong way, is now breaking down and taking me with it.

I've worked very hard in my life to arrive through philosophy at a point where I believe in Christ as redeemer, and Christianity as metaphysically and not just culturally true. But I still can't understand the problem of suffering.

I was reading about Ivan Karamazov in The Brothers Karamazov, where he says that a perfectly "harmonious" universe wouldn't be worth the suffering of one innocent creature, and it really hit me. My whole metaphysics, all the philosophy I've learned up to this point, has been based on the idea that hope and redemption, alongside creativity and freedom, are metaphysically "harmonious." So I can follow Christianity a long way down the path, I can call myself a Christian. But like Ivan I've never been able to justify the ugliness and the cruelty that exists alongside the march toward harmony.

I would rather not have the harmony at all, than to have it be created on the backs of so many creatures who not only suffered, but suffered indignities, suffered without understanding why they were suffering, suffered at the hands of people whose cruelty was never repaid let alone undone.

Every time I pray to or think of Christ, I have to focus on the overall redemption of the "whole," in some vague sense, because if I allow myself to look at the gritty particulars of all the ugliness that really goes on, I can't help but see God-as-creator as a monster. Somehow I have faith in what Christ is supposed to be, but I can't have faith in God the Father and Creator.

What the hell should I read? This is tearing me apart and I just want to die at this point rather than participate in this universe anymore.

There is only one man who figured out suffering, he was called The Buddha. Start with The Dharmapada.

I am weary of the world.
The world is weary of me.
I see my face in the mirror,
Like a plant that’s been left in the dark.
The mixture of youth and age disturbs me.
Can my soul still remain in my body?
Today, existence disgusts me too much.
Today, is it life or death?
I go to a high and secluded hill,
Hoping to see God.
But I reach the top and . . .
There is no sign.
There is no hope.
Now the universe is smiling at me . . .
I walk home, the road of desolation.
There is nothing left to say.
There is nothing left to think.
There’s nothing left.
I enter and sit on a stair.
My head limps to my heart,
My lips tell it:
“God does not exist.”

Part 2

“The fool has said in his heart,
There is no God.”
I smile and recognise myself in these words,
Like a drunken man seeing himself in the mirror.
My lips have denied God many times,
But now my heart has heard it.
Clever lips draw out many arguments,
But the fool does not understand,
The meaning of his words.
Among all the legions of the those who deny,
Is there even one who is able to draw out,
The consequence of his denial?
If there is no God:

There is no justice.
There is no hope.

For who will avenge the lives of the oppressed:
Who were starved and crushed by pitiless men?
For who will punish the crimes of the wicked:
Committed in secret and covered by the powers of the world?

Do you think the thief will escape into the night?
Do you imagine that death itself will wash the murderer’s bloody hands?

It is not the loss of heaven that upsets me,
But the loss of hell.
I swear, that I am a guilty man, with no right to heaven;
But my conscience demands its right to hell.
Let God condemn me to hell today,
And give me the consolation of His justice;
But I would rather worship the devil himself,
Than see the world go unpunished for its evil.
My conscience requires justice,
Let me get what I deserve!

I know now: the godless heart is a pit of despair.
Greater than the despair of hell,
Is the despair of no hell.
Would our conscience be only an illusion?
Would our thirst for justice never be filled?
Then it would be better:
To rise up and destroy the world,
Than to let it continue to mock and cheat us:
Even the criminal deserves his reward . . .

But who understands:
The distance between good and evil?
“I call heaven and earth to witness this day,
That I have set before you life and death,
Blessing and cursing . . .”
Men have worshipped many gods:
Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Pluto;
But I am powerless, weak, ugly, and poor.
In body and soul, I am sick and dying:
(As ultimately all men are)
Who is the god for the sick and dying?
I have heard of men,
Dying for the gods;
I have only heard of one God,
Dying for men.

I see myself at the bottom of a dark pit.
Seven years of falling, and my soul
Cannot fall any lower.
Now from above comes a sword of light,
And I see an angel descending towards me.

An act of faith?

Now that you have wrapped me in darkness,
Would you cover me in light?
Now that you have made me love death,
Would you give me life?
Now that you have utterly humiliated me,
Would you turn to accept me?

“He hath set water and fire before thee:
Stretch forth thy hand to which thou wilt.
Before man is life and death, good and evil,
That which he shall choose shall be given him.”

My soul, my soul,
You have been a heavy burden to me.
Do you wish me to give you death, or life?

Suffering is a human construct and consequence. God did not directly create suffering. That's why He had to become mortal flesh to experience it. To God, the alpha and Omega, a limitless being without time or particular dimension suffering is smaller to Him than an atom to us. Also consider how many great things come from suffering. Any knowledge, goal, or useful gain comes with a certain amount of suffering. Jesus saved humanity through suffering, descending into Hell and THEN rising again, but do not forget that the suffering was necessary. To be mortal is to experience suffering. To run from it creates infinitely more. To embrace and contemplate it creates knowledge, growth, and peace. Just as the soil that feeds spring flowers is made up of death, decay, and suffering so too does suffering create virtue.

In the Book of Wisdom, it is written:
“By the envy of the devil, death came into the world:
And they follow him that are of his side . . .
But the souls of the just are in the hand of God,
And the torment of death shall not touch them.
In the sight of the unwise they seemed to die:
And their departure was taken for misery:
And their going away from us, for utter destruction:
But they are in peace. And though in the sight of men
They suffered torments, their hope is full of immortality.”

I have lived without you worse than death,
I cannot live without you anymore.
You have shown me death, now show me life.
Give me life, Lord, give me life.
This day I believe in you,
And God, let me die before I cease to.
I still remember the day,
That you abandoned my soul to itself.
I can never describe the torment it suffered;
But you did it because you love me,
Because you wish me to know you love me,
Because you wish me to know I need you.
That was the day you let me go;
This is the day you brought me back.
This is between me, you, and your angel,
This is our pact now for eternity:
It shall be remembered in heaven.
I have felt the devil’s hatred in my soul,
How close I was to being his!
I now swear everlasting war against him:
Lord, give me strength.
I see many dark days ahead of me:
Lord, have mercy on me.
Though the days ahead are dark,
This darkness is no longer without light:

“Though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
For thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff
They comfort me. Thou preparest a table
Before me in the presence of mine enemies:
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup
Runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy
Shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
Amen.

Pray

>humble brags about being autistic but isn't argumentatively athiest

fuck outta here u aint spectrum

read some nietsche and move on

This is the crux of Christianity. The only man who deserved no pain suffered the most -- for us. Vicarious atonement.
Universal (original) sin and vicarious atonement are mysteries of solidarity. Physical and spiritual heredity.
We are never closer to Christ than when we share his cross.

>Falling for the lies of the Demiurge