I just realized I got raped by my dad as a kid and have pushed it so far out of mind for so long that I barely have a...

I only have movies for you now my dude, but I fucking empathize with you, incest has been a thing in my family for generations too. Fuck them. I hope you'll stay on top of it. A shrink might help, too.

>Mysterious skin
Directly address the issue of psychological repression
>Magnolia
Great movie about dealing with pain, also includes incest

Turn of the Screw

get your ass on a plane right now, dig up his corpse and rape the shit out of it. Then forget about it and try to live life on your own terms.

Thank you.

Yeah. All I can do huh. Nothing has changed realistically.

being raped as a kid shouldn't harm your masculinity, which is what I assume is the core issue here. You were a kid, not a man. Don't let it fuck with you.

I'm so sorry bro, I can see you dumping your baaawl file right now and it hurts. And that's a fucking tough way of getting to such realization.

It's about more than that, even if you are partially right. Incest breaks up personnal boundaries, which defines you as an autonomous subject. It blurs the line between you and the Other, if we want some psychoanalytic wording.

What do you mean by rape? Did he penetrate you? How old were you?

Boy by James Hanley, has to do a lot with cycles of meaningless abuse, the main character is raped, then coerced into having sex with a prostitute. Although the ending is quite sad, he dies because no one wants to deal with him and his disease so they put him down like a dog.
There is also On Being Raped by Raymond Douglas (which I read recently) in which the author describes his rape by a priest and what he felt afterwards, the years of his life it had stolen, and how he overcame it.
There was another book I read about this topic but I can't remember the title. In it the author writes about his experience with being raped, turning to the church for support, having way too much casual sex, being angry, lying to others, attempting suicide twice. It is quite a sad book but the ending is quite sweet. He talks about how he met his wife working at a supermarket with her during his recovery.

Vlad Nabokov - Lolita
William Faulkner - Sanctuary

your boner is showing

for the love of god go see a therapist

Watch Passolini's adaptation of Oedipus

I also second this OP. If you have come this far by yourself, a psychiatrist could do wonder. The hardest part of a therapy is to get sufficiently introspective - that is to accept to look inward and to reflect on your findings. It seems you fit the bill. Also, it might help when/if you start having suicidal thoughts. It did save my life.

Yes. 7.

I can't lose my sense of humor over this little thing. I have to take this in. Pain and all. I've nose-dived into so much crazy shit because of this. If I want to be any use to anyone then I have to get through this. I mean. I'm not the only one or anything. heh. Jesus. god this is just fucking attention seeking histrionics. why the fuck am I coming to Veeky Forums with this. Because I am a dramatic faggot who will still hit post fuck me

edward st aubyn got raped by his dad and writes about it in the patrick melrose novels, it actually happens in the first one

not to be pushy but could you elaborate slightly more on how you feel? in the sense: do you have anxiety problems or more depressed ones or suicidal or a combination of all? you say you don’t have a past because you’ve learned to constantly un-learn things... you say this in a melancholic fashion, because you’d like to have memories of good things for example. you’ve been living on great remotions all your life and now you regret letting yourself dissolving.

my words for you is that you’re nothing but strong nd absolutely capable of going out of this shit and creating your own life and building your own memories. don’t do general psychoanalysis but CBT will help a lot! it helped me with nothing less than actual delusions i was creating out of fear of being contaminated.

how old are you now? you had completely forgotten it before this recent realization? how you know about your brother?

When I was at my lowest I would go lurk /b/ in search of baww thread and post on it like it was my fucking blog; I still had user to lend me their shoulder. I agree with you that there is always an aspect of staging when expressing pain - you chose to express it in a certain way, and the distance you put between you and the pain makes it at the same time bearable and ridiculous. It's just the way it is. I found that it fuels creativity to a great extent. It is hard, but I got good pieces of writing out of it.

Humor is a good way of dealing with pain on a daily basis. After my brother killed himself, I used to joke about it on the reg, it's a coping mechanism that works in its own way. Don't feel guilty about your feelings, or how you chose to express them.

Almost numb but I only want to laugh. Searching to justify something I guess. I living in a piece of nirvana right now but I only hit this point after running and escaping it. It's like my parents divorced right. For years I idolized love because of this to counter that but after I got married I was still suicidal. So now I have the wonderful wife who was willing to settle down with a possible sociopath who is willing to do anything for me. My every need taken care of and here I am looking for reasons to suffer? I don't know. I'm just here to spill the beans at this point. I don't want to be alone honestly.

When I was 4, I had a neighbour who was 7. His mother had a lesbian lover.

One afternoon, my neighbour took me into the bushes, pulled down his pants, showed me his prepubescent penis, and asked me to kiss it. When I asked him why, he said he'd seen his mother and her friend kiss each other all over while naked.

I had a thing about putting things in mouth (that is to say, I disliked putting strange objects in my mouth) and was somewhat touch-aversive. I didn't like holding the hands of other children because they were either too dry and wrinkly, or sweaty, and I found both sensations sensorily disturbing. I declined to kiss his penis and crawled out of the bushes.

I did not realise there was anything concerning about this interaction until much later in life, when I was in fact in a psychiatric hospital.

I think, however, that my neighbour was the one who was more disturbed than I was, as my exposure was fleeting, but his must have been lasting, if he had reached the stage where he was attempting the sexual abuse of younger children at just seven years old himself.

Children experimenting with sexuality with other children isn't usually classified as sexual abuse since they arent knowingly committing an act against someone for personal sexual gratification. Like you alluded to his exposure left him confused.
>He wasn't trying to hurt you and there's still a good chance he turned out normal.

Thank you.

i’ve had a much lighter experience than yours and i’ll try to explain it and my feelings about it. when i was 4/5 years old i had few baby sitters and one of them happened to be a boy in his early teens. one day he asked me if i ever touched myself in the pants and i said yes. then he asked me how the smell was and to if he could smell it but i refused to do it. so he told me to go the other room and touch my vagina then return and let him smell my hand. i did it. later i recounted it to my other baby sitter (female teenager) and she had a huge alarmed reaction. then it’s all a bit confusing but i remember distinctly that i understood it was very serious matter. i think she told my mom and fortunately he was removed. when i was 17 i was talking to a girl of my town, an old neighbor of mine, who told me she was engaged to marry him! that was a freezing moment because i remembered everything and the gravity of the molestation i was a victim of. i swiped again it away, i had not particular problems in my life at the time but certainly i felt a sort of fear. after some years i got into a deep depression over my parents divorce and i started thinking about that event very often, to the point i couldn’t sleep at night. i was putting myself into feeling in great danger. there was a whole month where it became my obsession. the most intense fear was about the fear i might have suppressed an actual rape (which i don’t think because i bled when i lost my virginity) or anything from people in my life finding out and thinking i was dirty. in a few word i felt contaminated and ashamed of it. i was constantly thinking about the fact that he had my smell and the idea would drag me instantly to hell. then after a rough month when this was my obsession i just forgot about it, in the sense that it was just the past and i realized that i was still alive and well and that unfortunately many kids live similar experiences. nevertheless i had a happy childhood where i did things i liked like drawing a lot and watching anime, had lots of fun at school. childhood is very fragile but children can recover so fast with simple and nice things. try to push yourself more actively into higher emotions because trust me they won’t hurt.

Do emotions really work like that? I can just. Recieve higher emotions?

you have to make room for them to have their way and let the commotion happen. you have to tell yourself that you are angry at him. i think the first thing you need to let come up is anger, then will come depression and you’ll be able to cry. you’ll work your way to accepting it and it won’t affect you anymore. but you have to admit you are angry because that’s the realest thing right now. not detached, ironic, numb... let it begin

What a shitshow of a thread but thank you.

A bit of analysis will help you come in terms of facing how your feel rather than repressing it. You’re not a sociopath.

oh crap what if i was raped too i just haven't realized it yet

i’m afraid of this too >.>

...

Don't put too much stress on yourself. If the feeling of owing it to someone to get through this helps you, then retain it, but if it puts strain on you, hinders you, makes you ache, then do away with it. It's just a thought and a feeling, nothing more.

That's rather normal childish behaviour and I wouldn't think too much of it. Sometimes children acting out sexually is a sign of abuse but oftentimes it isn't.

I'm still sorry for the outburst. But I really am grateful for having help.

fpbp

try infinite jest

Sorry about that. Did you talk to anybody about this? It must feel very weird, and painful for you to talk about it like that.

It happens that kids do not have clear ideas regarding physical boundaries, especially if they have been exposed to incestual environments - hell it happens to a lot of adults too.

Your outburst was necessary, otherwise you wouldn't have put yourself through it. Actually connecting with your emotions is painful, but necessary, as the other user put it. If you want to reach out, we're here.

Thank you.

No matter what happens, don't ever do it to anyone. Especially not kids.

Way to give the guy obsessive guilt

Never. Above all else do no harm.

How'd you manage to realize so far down the road?

I'm sorry man.

you don't sound like a sociopath at all man

this is really good advice. I'm sorry for you too. Those people should be punished

fuck dude. ever since I was a child, I have not wanted to touch people. Sometimes even wiping away my hand on myself as if their touch was dirty

I have a vague memory of taking a bath with my own mother at some point, and even verbally asking to suck her breasts... wtf man... also taking a bath with a girl my age, she was old enough to have long red hair. a bunch of adults were watching us and laughing... I don't even know who that was man wtf

>I just realized I got raped

Yeah, right.

Sometimes I wonder about this too it'd explain some of my major fuck ups. I used to westle with him too and have shower together. But let's get more clear when you say rape what kind of thing we're really talking about? You mean intercourse, penetration? Things can get a little hazy, you know.

I'm not OP but (play)wrestling and showering together is nice don't get too suspicious and poison your relationship with your dad if there's nothing wrong there. I don't know the specifics of your memories of course but from those it doesn't sound eyebrow raising

>be you
*pulls out lotion*

And menaces his devilish grin.
His only sin

>showering with your dad is normal
user...

Hey bucko, we gunna have a problem?

Up until a certain age it is certainly is.

What age, bucko we talkin big guy

I dunno, maybe around 7-9ish.

PUT YUR GRASSES ON;
NOTHIN WIRL GO WONG

Go read some coming of age stuff, try Lolita.

no i have never opened up. even to a psychologist i went to when i was depressed. i have the tendency to be very secretive and not give much in terms of info about my life because i can be a bit paranoid.

Austerlitz by Sevald deals with repressing past and loss of identity. Not rape- or trauma induced though

im in the same boat with my brother. my best advice is just to learn about what makes humans do these things. what leads them to that point. try not to let it get to you too much.

I'm very curious what you mean by raped. Penetrated your asshole? Touched your genitals? Exposed himself? When I hear rape I imagine penetration and I feel like that must be insanely complicated to repress.

Penetration I can see destroying you. But touching your junk or touching himself? I dont know if I would call that rape. I'm pretty sure I awoke to my father masturbating near me and my brother as we slept in his bed. And my mother talks about how she thought he was molesting us when his drug problem was at its worst. Personally, I have nothing but fond thoughts of my father and regardless of what part of this is true, I know I can't change it. I continue about my life and know he is an imperfect being like the rest of us.

Not that anything he did is justified, I'm just curious, were you really "raped" or are you recounting semi real memories and using it to justify your lack of self worth and overall melancholy in your life?

Well, OP, the very first thing that comes to my mind is the story "Signifying Nothing" by David Memester Wallace. However, I can't imagine that would be a very good story for you, since the dad only goes so far as to wave his penis in front of the kid's face. It's also not a very "coping with trauma" type of story, more of just a "huh....weird" story. Still, maybe it would interest you, I don't know. The ending seems very sinister to me.

Infinite Jest has a section where a boy is repeatedly anally raped by his father, so maybe that

I got you OP

I can't tell if you're memeing or if that legitimately is a passage I just can't remember.

No it's true, about page 700 with Matty Pemulis

(not OP) it’s just paraphilia, what do you think could be the motives?

he already told it was penetration. and touching a kid in his private parts is rape too. regardless of the category you put shit into op made pretty clear he has a trauma.

that picture describes me pretty well, sadly.

i had a weird gay sexual experience when i was in elementary school with a friend younger by two years. doesn’t really effect me now but i remember in middle school i went through a period of guilt, self-disgust, and sexual confusion because of it. i have obviously moved past it but i see how easy it is to suppress things from a young age and how much a rape could negatively impact you later in life.

Get a grip

The Silent Cry

If I was never molested as a kid does that mean I'm ugly ;_;

you're a creep

Hello, user. I hope you can pull through this. I've been through similar stuff, my virginity was taken by the person who was trying to infect me with HIV. I can understand the pain and feeling of betrayal this all can produce.

Hard truth is, there will be no book that can trully express what you feel, only approach it. Words can go so far. Seek not escapism or explanation of your experience, nor solutions--easy solutions--to that.

You just have to move forward and give yourself a dynamic that isn't anchored, chained to your trauma.

Best of wishes.

> The Myth of Sisyphus
> Albert Camus

Biggest question. Did you like it?
I know some people that were molested... and they are fucked up. They look to get hurt. Provoke someone to punish them.. some called me daddy... But they were females.
All the males I knew that were molested turned gay. All of them. They usually fight it with masculinity at first, hitting the gym, pulling chicks, clubbing... Then eventually they end up getting reamed.

Stay classy, user. Stay classy...

Op here. I just really want to say thank you for all the recommendations.

Especially this one. I've chained myself to this past in a sense but life goes on.

I didn't realize how many people here have had these kinds of things happen to them.

Veeky Forums - repressed sexual assault

(all jokes aside I'm really sorry to hear all this)

Bah. Make all the jokes you want. It's how I tie thesis and antithesis together.

Actually, if anyone has some good ones I'd be up for hearing it.

when that kind of things happen, you become more deep in the sense of... just depth itself. metempirics. not to meme or pseud out but lit isn’t for dyonisiac people who are full of life with a good capability to have closure with their past, whatever it is.

Trauma is a breaking point. You're either not fit, not intelligent enough to grow to a higher frame of reference, or you are.

Those who fail are trapped into a long, historical chain where they're condemned to perpetuate the trauma of their forebearers.

Those who perform the jump attain a somewhat awareness of the condition of their trauma: a mise en abyme of their condition providing a before and after moment. This allows the rise of a revitalized consciousness within the person. They become aware of the paths that led to their condition, and sometimes the pointlessness or unfairness of it, but also the roads that are still to be taken.

This fusion of the past, present, and future through this trauma-the consciousness--is one of the ways to attain deeper meaning. It's a scar, but a scar is a mark of one's body that becomes part of one's identity. We can't shed it. And, I believe, trying to do so is just an attempt to drown oneself back into the lower frame of reference and go back to be a link into the perpetuation chain.

Trauma is a scar that we must bear because it is the awakening step in our exploration of ourselves, the traumatized, and of the world.

We, men, are trees. Our roots are anchored into the soil, the past. Our branches, the ways we took while knowing still have many to be grown. Trauma is a rock our roots have encountered. It can either kill us or our roots finds a mangled way around. Life must go on.

Here is a good one:

Why don’t sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

Are some kind of weirdly infamous writer lurking on Veeky Forums?

same abt the gay experience, but in pre-school. then I did it again in middle school... ugh

hot
gay

Lel I was brought up in an incestual family, and am hitting the gym, pulling gym... And I fucked a guy not so long ago.
What am I in for?

You can't do anything OP its a tredition now

Beautifully put user. You should look into kintsukuroi pottery, pic related.

That pot is fucking dope

Hi tumblr

Very well written.
I hope you're a writer.

Incest in Magnolia? I forgot about that... between who?

A movie, Festen (1998) aka The Celebration.

the film Happiness should be right up your alley