Hello, someone mentioned they were going to critique my work yesterday but I fell asleep (timezones) and my thread fell off. I'm making this thread in case critique-bro is around and prepared anything for me, as I wouldn't want his work to go unnoticed. Thanks!
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Bump just because I think it’s really sweet you made this thread. I’ll check out your stuff if you post it, or if you’d rather email it lemme know.
I revised this passage some, maybe its a bit better now
-----
“...When I turned, only to find she was missing...my reality crumbled.”
“Everything came crashing down. The walls. The buildings. The sky and the clouds bore down on me. The ground underneath disappeared in a muted implosion. Stumbling, my strength left me--only my will to find her retained my focus. Every single figure on the crowded streets showed only their back to me. The swaying trees and the birds abandoned, shunned, and mocked me. Encased in choking winter air, beneath a blinding, oppressive sun--the shadows it cast crept upon my back, grasping claws and blazing daggers. With my vision shifting in and out of focus, behind my own frantic, stilled breaths, the sounds of traffic signals rewrote themselves in my mind: “Failure. Failure,” they maliciously whispered into my ears. Written language became like forbidden symbologies, twisted and warped as the space around them failed to contain their form…” [note for manga: picture of public signs such as train stations and street names should be twisting into strange, meaningless runes]
“The structure of everything collapsed at the idea that I'd lost her.”
"And I realized...
This is this what her world was like.
Every. Single. Day."
Thanks a lot! I'll be around to post some.
I should also leave an email in case critique bro sees it:
[email protected]
I'll post the love confession scene since its probably the most important scene of the story, but might be cheesy. I really want this part of the story to be perfect.
-----
Yun: "Ridley, are you doing alright?"
Ridley: "Yes, Mr. Y." her voice is slow and hurt.
Yub: You didn't eat your meal. Here, have some food. He takes a spoonful of food, cups her chin and feeds it to her. She is very weak.
Yun sighs, feeds her a bit more: Alright, I've prepared some medicine for you, it should help straighten out some of your symptoms.
Ridley takes it.
Yun: Put it under your tongue and let it dissolve, then drink this water.
Ridley: Thank you, Mr. Y.
a little sarcastically...
She thinks to herself, “every time I say it, I fall further into the labyrinth.”
Yun: Ridley...
He wants her to snap out of it.
Yun: Ridley, what's wrong?
She's drowsy.
Ridley: Are you trying to hypnotize me?...
Yun: What? Of course not. Why would you say that?”
Ridley: You’re trying to hypnotize me into forgetting about you…
Yun: Hypnotize…What are you---
Ridley: I don’t want to call you that.
Yun: Huh?
Ridley: It's too far away from me.
He realizes its an odd thing to say, but he completely understands the feeling.
Her head is heavy, drowsy, she won’t turn to face Yun.
Yun: Don't be sad, Ridley. Hey, hey snap out of it! I'm sorry, just, with work, I...Ridley!" She pulls her shoulder so that she is facing him, and he can see her face. Ridley has some tears forming in her eyes, she looks extremely sick….. “I want to tell you something. I want you to know that…
Yun frowns and smiles at the same time with concern, love, and a sense of dread. He understands the sadness she expressed during the earthquake, was because she was not referring to the Earthquake at all, but something else entirely. It was because she had already accepted death.
She pulls out her sketchbook, she has drawn a portrait of herself as requested earlier.
Ridley: In this place, I’m so sheltered, and I felt protected because of you.
Yun: That’s why I’m here. I'll protect you, Ridley. Always.
Ridley: “But it, still hurts. Constantly. I always hurt.” Yun’s face turns pale, he already knows this, he just doesn’t want to hear her say it, as it hurts him as well. She looks blankly at the portrait she drew, like a mirror, eyes dark, full of emptiness, and glistening with the formation of tears.
Ridley thinks to herself “I don’t even remember what its like anymore…to be..." she and her voice breaks up, exhausted, tears dripping down her cheek. “I don’t remember what its like, to be me.” Yun's face turns pale at the sight of her, yearning to understand the frail creature in front of him and to find a solution.
She continues; “That’s why I'd not dare draw a picture of myself. I don’t want to think of me. Or who I am.” She begins to cry. “Why would you make me do that..?!” with quiet intensity and frustration, she pulls the portrait from her sketch book, forces it upon Yun’s abdomen.
“I want to think of you.” With a sense of surety, she moves to him, as if some gravitational or magnetic force pulled her to climb and latch onto him. Yun raises his arms in surprise, but as she speaks, he slowly lowers them to hold her. And in doing so, he takes on her suffering as his own.
As they embrace in the stillness of the hospital room, the starlight falling through the windows seems oppressive. Clinging to him, with her face pressed against his chest underneath his neck, she articulates with a tortured persistence full of hope.
Ridley: “I dreamt of my end. I was in an ocean of chaos.”
Yun simply listens.
Ridley: “Was it the sickness, or my intuition? I was scared, and alone.
Yun: I'm here.
Ridley: But then, I could see you. Your face. Your true face. The purest thing imaginable. And I felt peace.”
Yun: …
Ridley raises her face and looks into Yun’s eyes, he looks like the portrait she drew, but much sadder
Ridley: "Nothing else matters. You must know, that, I’ll always love you.”
Yun puts his hand behind her head, her hair running through his fingers, and they kiss.
Yun: I love you, too. I'll never be far from you anymore. I promise.
Ridley: Because of you, I knew kindness.
*While kissing*
Ridley: I know you think I am bright and, strong. But the truth is, maybe, I, I hate this world. Nothing in it makes sense to me. It’s all pain to me.
*Kissing*
Ridley: But then I remember, that the world can’t be so bad…*kissing* because it houses you.
Yun: Ridley…
“You.”
She nudges him downward, and he, holding the back of her head, he pulls her closely toward him. He brushes her hair behind her ear while his other hand slides firmly down her back. She moves to kiss his neck, and utters to him "the drugs won't work." She kisses upwards, moves her face closer to his, purposefully brushes her cheek against his, and then whispers into his ear, (teeth visible and lower jaw slightly forward from usual, Keira Knightley style) "You are the antidote. You are the only thing that can fix me."
As if in a trance, Ridley grabs a hold of him, rubs across it and presses it toward her: “Let me experience this at least once.”
----
behind the door, a figure eavesdrops.
Afterward, they are holding each other.
Yun has completely forsaken the doctor-patient relationship--the best feeling of his life. The two continue talking late into the night, embracing, it’s almost dawn.
Ridley: “It's not just that I hear voices, or remember things, people, faces that I shouldn't. Conversations I've never had. Places that I've never been... Countless people whom I've never talked to, who know me. It's more than that. I am pulled into it, and it all overlaps with everything else."
“And all this information, sometimes, hits me all at once. A single movement, or a sound, can cause me to recall a hundred painful memories.”
Ridley: “Even though I'm this hospital room....maybe I am actually always somewhere else.... and if that's the case...”
“Maybe I’m already a ghost.”
Yun: Don't say that. I'm here with you. You're real.” He holds her dearly *appropriate loving gesture*
Ridley: Maybe, I, already died, 4 years ago.
*more kissing*
Ridley: “But every time you walked through the door to see me, and I'd see the smile on your face, directed only at me…”
“…I felt structure again.” Ridley says.
“I felt…alive again.”
“And like a willful hallucination, I would imagine you with, impart onto you, wings of fire, because you're like the phoenix. Your warmth would make me feel whole again.”
He holds her tightly, as if to heal her. Like sunrays shining over a child lost in the snow.
“And your flame… would burn everything else away. Punish this world, for what it did to me.”
Morning after:
An extremely cute scene with Ridley and Yun. If the previous sex scene is meant to be dark, prophetic, and the first understanding of each other’s being, the following scene is meant to be bright, and rather than prophetic, hopeful if melancholic as they willingly craft both of their identities together. Their lingering connection.
Ridley suddenly jumps up. "Yun! I, I feel different."
Yun; "What do you mean?"
Ridley: "I feel like myself."
Yun smiles at her.
Ridley grabs a polaroid camera and stuffs it at Yun: "Hurry, before it goes away!" she urges him.
Yun takes the camera, faces it directly at Ridley, brandishing a beautiful, endearing smile, and he snaps a shot. It comes out and he waves it in the air to dry it off. She curls toward him full of love as he does so.
Yun: "I'm gonna keep this one, write something on it for me."
Ridley looks up: "Huh? What should I write?" she grabs a marker.
Yun, in a joking but serious way: "Record the contents of your true spirit."
Ridley: "Wow, that's a big responsibility. Ok then." She writes something down, but does not show Yun. She takes the camera and faces Yun with it, snaps a shot, he smiles with a bit of surprise while also accepting that it is his turn
.
Ridley gives Yun the photo of her, it says, "be the answer。" with a heart near her face, written in black marker.
Yun looks down at it. Ridley says: “Well?”
Yun: “So this is Ridley. Beautiful. The pleasure is mine.”
Ridley: “Haha! So whats it gonna be?”
Yun: “well…”
Ridley: “Hm?!”
Yun: “...I'm your cleansing flame
That's basically the gist for the love confession and the main chunk of the prologue. It is meant to set up the themes and set the ground work for the rest of the story and how it plays out. For example, the stuff about the phoenix is meant to be the thematic core of the story.
Essentially, Yun is the phoenix, but he crafts this identity for himself based on his love for Ridley.
Ridley, on the other hand, is more like a Jesus figure, someone who must suffer the sins of humanity and try to find the good in the world.
In a single word, each character;
Ridley ; Suffering
Yun ; Retribution
Here also is the continuation of this passage, as it exemplifies what I mean about the phoenix theme:
-----
....Written language became like forbidden symbologies, twisted and warped as the space around them failed to contain their form…” [note for manga: picture of public signs such as train stations and street names should be twisting into strange, meaningless runes]
“The structure of everything collapsed at the idea that I'd lost her.”
"And I realized...
This is this what her world was like.
Every. Single. Day."
*picture of Yun on a motorcycle, Cloud style, rushing to find her and get her back. Via his perception, everything in his world twists and turns and falls apart like a ghostly vortex. More than just reality falling apart, the STRUCTURE of reality falls apart, and his UNDERSTANDING OF THE STRUCTURE of reality falls apart. Think something similar to Inception but more intense and grotesque* At the same time, he even has the epiphane about Ridley…It makes him understand her more, and love her more. He is writhing with mental agony and purpose.
memories churning in Yun's head:
Vincent, in memory: “you love her, don’t you”
Yun: “she suffers, all alone”
“...don’t you”
*steady hyperventilating*
“don’t you?”
“...And I kept thinking of how I would enter her room once more, and she would smile at me…”
“DON’T YOU?!” AARRHRHHRHHHGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
*In addition to inception style reality twisting, picture Yun’s fiery soul overflowing and overpowering this reality.
"Burn it down.
If this world hurts her, I will
Burn it down.
Burn it down."
Bump
updated portrait of RIdley
Don’t take this the wrong way but Ridley looks like a heroine addict and the other guy looks like he was ripped from life is strange
What the shit is this even supposed to be? A screenplay? A novel? A comic script? None of it makes any sense to me. Who are the characters, what the fuck are they doing? Are you deliberately trolling or is this incomprehensible mess really the best you can do?
I'm going to make it into a manga, and then flesh out the writing more
She's supposed to look sick, she has mako poisoning
If I remember he was making final fantasy 7 fanfic that he later wanted to turn into a manga (cause he’s a jap)
Also you can check the previous thread linked in the OP for more on the character background, outline, and timeline
Will you be my gf
How old are you? Thirteen?
Okay I think you should make a rough comic panel and see if it will flow how you want it to on paper
I like twin peaks
mid 20's.
Good idea. I'll post something like this soon. I have done some manga stuff before in the /v/ drawthreads
And no I would not say its the best I can do. A lot of it is haphazard ideas that I wrote down just to get it down, since I have the plot and structure mapped out, whats left is the flesh out the content according to the themes and make sure it all fits stylistically and such. At the same time, a lot of it is written in such a way that it will make sense to me when I draw it out as a manga.
Real advice, you should start off by writing a brief, concise synopsis about your story idea, which answers the basic questions of WHO, DO WHAT, WHY and HOW, in one or two paragraphs max.
If that's literally impossible, then you should work on your idea a little more before asking people's opinions or getting started with a 900-chapter serialization.
I shall write one right now, even though I have it in my outline I will put it in my own words again;
The story is meant to depict a political upheaval within the Shinra Science department which occurred upon the discovery that Jenova was not a Cetra. (If you've played FF7, this is 30 years before the events of the game).
The main characters are Ridley, a girl with mako-poisoning, and Yun, a doctor/researcher who is tasked with taking care of her while studying mako-poisoning (and learning about Jenova). Over time, the two fall in love, but due to events going on around them, and dynamics which they become entangled with, tragedy befalls them. The trigger for the tragedy is when Professor Gast, a prominent scientist and Yun's mentor, leaves Midgar and Shinra, taking the last surviving ancient, Ifalna, with him. Although Gast warns Yun to escape, he leaves first, Yun and Ridley are captured in their stead. From there, the story becomes about the perseverance of love, the power of the human soul to withstand tyranny and evil, the meaning of identity (using mako-poisoning as a literary device to explore existential ideas) and the main objective is for Yun and Ridley to reunite, no matter what it takes.
who is this 2d sploogee
Ridley, the female lead of my FF7R fanfiction.
*Female Lead
Ridley
Age: 21-23
Hometown: Mideel
Occupation: N/A
Ridley is a young woman, a girl around age 22 with mako-poisoning who spends her days at the Midgar Metropolitan Health Center. She is now under the care of Yun – who provides her with therapy to reduce the symptoms of her illness. There are times when she seems to have psychotic episodes, but at the Shinra Science Department there are those who believe she can at times channel the thoughts of the ancient Cetra, so she is of research importance for this reason. She had a troubled life even before becoming ill, and because she is now a research specimen and often used as the subject of experiments, she symbolizes humanity versus dehumanization, and has an understanding and acceptance that she is not like others and must suffer because of it. She tries her best not to let others see her struggle, and she does not verbally articulate her condition to anyone but Yun.
post nudes
There will definitely be racy sex scenes in the manga. Here is a passage I wrote to describe their characters.
Physicality:
Yun - taller and about as thin as Cloud, long legs. He is a bishounen but needs to be differentiated from Cloud and Vincent. Maybe something like taller with broader shoulders, v shaped like a bird. His hair color should be similar to that of a falcon or roc, hearkening to Fort Condor. His jacket should be green to contrast with Cloud’s and Cid’s blue palette, and Vincent’s red palette.
Ridley – although she seems a bit emaciated due to sickness, her body is surprisingly full at the right parts, proportionally. Smaller shoulders and ribcage than Aerith. Breasts something like Tifa >>> Ridley / Aerith > Yuffie. The breasts should contrast with her somewhat sickly frame as they would symbolize life and fertility in the face of hardship and struggle. There should be scenes where Yun will get turned on by her in her hospital shorts when her ass is hanging out, but she is so preoccupied (dasein) with her sickness that she isn’t much aware of her effect on him.
This is the love story between Yun and Ridley at a time of major political upheaval happening at Shinra around the time of the discovery of Jenova, 30 or so years before the events of FF7.
Anyway if anyone is interested, I would greatly appreciate it if you follow my blogs at
makoflame.tumblr.com
iiishiki.tumblr.com
I will defend my work and make sure its the best I can possibly make it.