Write about how terrified and/or depressed you are

Let it all out.

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well, im not sure im depressed, i dont know what im in right now. last night i cried, but im not depressed, i know when ive been depressed, i just rest doing nothing, trying to not be awake at all. but im now very productive, but also melancholic and very excitable emotionally, but its not even draining, in fact i think my writing/expressive skills have increased.

op here. I was feeling pretty bad earlier. I think it was moodswings. I felt better reading this though.

coolio. fixed a typo. one good thing is to be able to pin down your states and emotions, so you know what to expect and as an anchor to reality. being depressed is this poor, narrow vision state, if youre creative then its something else. its like with psychedelics, you have to remind yourself at times youre in a higly distorted state, so you dont buy the whole "reality scrambling" thing as something real, but as an illusion.

I'm afraid of doing anything because I'm afraid of doing anything wrong, the reason being that my autistically inclined father's pedagogic method was to expect far too much of me when I tried something the first time, and then within minutes grow angry and scornful and give up on me if I didn't get it exactly right, even if I was only eight years old.
However, having managed to realize that's where many of my current problems comes from, I'm working on building up my ability to tolerate my own mistakes during learning processes. It's also sad, because we're both awkwardly trying to bond, but we have no shared interests, and I can't let him try to teach me anything he knoews because I know he'll just fall into the same old pattern.

this is a sad story.

The world is a shitfest and I feel lost. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what the future will look like, I'm slowly losing contact with all my friends and i can't do nothing about it. There's nothing that keeps me here, yet I continue to live. I feel like love is slowly fading away from this world.

I'll have moments every other day where I just go into modes of deep introspection, and constantly think of all my failures up to the present moment, and all my insecurities. Other times I'll be completely fine, but when I get into waves of depression it sucks. I recently was pursing an attractive girl, but now that I've hung out with her I'm not entirely sure if I'm attracted to her anymore, even physically for that matter. I go to a very small college, and there are very few girls that are actually cute at all and semi-normal, but I don't even know if I wanna spend time with girls at all now.

not very much

mariya takeuchi casettes

I have no vocation, I don't know what I want to do and I'm afraid I'm too old to have a say (I'm 30). I guess I'll just be a wageslave in a boring office job for the rest of my life. I don't have to courage to go full Diogenes mode.

...

I have depression, bpd and adhd and I'm borderline alcoholic. I'm not drinking half a bottle of rum a night anymore, so I'm proud of that, but I'm still crippled by my issues:
>I'm 27 and don't have a job, and I'm ashamed by it.
>I was bulimic for a while and now my teeth are completely fucked up.
>I think the other tenants in my house are constantly talking about me and watching me.
>I think if I leave the house strangers are watching me and talking about how disgusting and ugly I am
>I'm worried my alcoholic stint has made me irreparably dumber
>I'm fat
>I spend too much money
>I can't write properly
>I've never finished a single story
>I don't draw anymore
>even things I have accomplished were just a fluke
All of these things haunt me, every hour, every day and no matter what I do, I can't mitigate it at all. I'm applying to a day-klinik because there's no way I'm getting out of this by myself, but that just makes me so ashamed, too. I can't stop. There's just this howling in my brain all day, everyday. Sometimes I just wander around the house wailing and slapping my arms and giggling nervously to myself. I hate this. I hate all of this.
Everyone I know keeps telling me they love me and they're proud of me and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but how can I not be when I'm such a waste of fucking space?

>>I'm fat
thats the most offensive thing from your post. stop being fat, its disgusting.

Yeah, I'm trying, but my gym closed and my medications give me just the most insane appetite. It's infuriating, but I'm also depressed, so I don't have the motivation to anything about it.

I fear that the job that I waited a year to finally get will let me go by the end of my contract next month because my sales haven't been as good as the rest of the other wageslaves. I dislike the job, but I can't go being unemployed as I have no other recourse to go to if let go; and the pay is much higher than it has been from any of my previous jobs, so I'm finally no longer super broke. Maybe I can sue them because I was hired on a full-time position but they only give me part time hours, despite me asking for more they say they can't. Or won't. I strongly dislike the culture of the environment, this need to be happy and bubbly and accept everything at face value and force product on customers.

I can't sleep without the aid of sleeping pills, and even so I wake up in the middle of the night and lay about uncomfortably have that half awake/half asleep daze. I've only dreamt about cats for the past weeks.

I don't know where I am or what I want from this world, only to have more experiences and insight, but no one values that anymore.

It's weird being this self-conscious about it and not being able to help oneself.
>t. Someone who could(can) relate

the problem is, is that before you can help yourself, you have to think you're worth helping.
as it is, it's just another thing to hate about myself.

I like to listen to Harold Budd's "Pavilion of Dreams" and look out my window at the early hours of the morning (3-4 AM). I can only write well after doing this. My need to do this makes me sad.

About a month or two ago I almost failed a Highschool math exam. Ever since that day, no success in my life makes me feel fulfilled, since I know my math grade is a deal breaker in whatever I do and will cripple me forever.
I passed both my English and German exams with flying colours, but I don't feel the joy.

I feel like I stumbled my entire life. My circumstances are good but I still have 0 clue as to what I’m doing. I feel like every thing up to this point was an accident

I'm deeply depressed and sometimes, especially at night, I feel my being gravitate into the depths of despair. Most days I am adequately distracted to not feel anguish.

>I know my math grade is a deal breaker in whatever I do and will cripple me forever.
nobody gives a shit about your grades. teachers have been lying to you. *unless you want to be like, a scientist, or something. then, sorry.

If it makes you feel better, I got 0 points in math and passed everything else too.

I hate how my depression is independent of the rest of my life. It's all fine when my life is shitty and motonous, because at least I can justify my depression and therefore envision a way out, but when everything in my life gets better and my depression remains it's truly terrifying. No matter what I do, at the end of the day I feel like I'm faced with a massive wall blocking me from any hope of true happiness. I'm either going to end up killing myself or living a long, miserable life, and knowing myself I'll end up as the latter: biding my time, never truly feeling any joy or accomplishment, every material improvement on my life a sting in my side as I realize how depressed I still am. I'll continue the charade until I die. I pretend like I'm digging my way out by reading, or listening to music, or meditating and doing psychedelics, but I've come to realize it's all just temporary change, and the depression bounces back in no time. I really just don't want to be alive, but I'm too scared to die. I fantasize constantly about being shot fatally or crushed in a car wreck, but I know it's unlikely.

Today, all through class, my throat was burning - it's still burning - because of toothpaste. Toothpaste chars my throat, toothpaste stings at me and crusted on my lips to chap them in the winter air. The reason for this is that I did not rinse my mouth but instead spat in the garbage can in my dormitory and ran, panting, to class, after barely brushing my hair, because I couldn't sleep. Even though a friend gave me her homework to turn in, even though I could have copied her work by the by and received a perfect grade, I turned in nothing for myself. The reason I brushed my teeth was so that I wouldn't be entirely disgusting, even though my hair is too long and is starting to stick out at odd angles, even with gel. My laundry basket is stuffed with a pile of clothes that goes up to my knees. I couldn't take my medication because I didn't eat. I didn't eat because I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't work. I couldn't work because I didn't take my medication. I couldn't take the meds because I couldn't sleep. I'm losing weight and GPA, and when I do take my medication I can't eat. My throat still burns.

Somewhere deep inside of me I still have hope and that is the thing that is really killing me. It is robbing me of my capacity to think, to feel, to do anything. If only I had no hope, I could die intact, instead of dying this slow death.

You don't understand. No university will take me without good grades in math.

why not?

University accepted me without good grades in math

Because those grades and the exam at the Highschool get converted into points, and they decide based on those points if they'll take you as a student or not.

I've learned to cope with it much better. I feel like I completely wasted a year though. It's losing time that pisses me off and the thought of it sometimes makes it worse again.

If you live in a retarded country that does stupid shit like that, move countries.

I got total shit math while good everything else and got into a decent public college.

My eyes so dry, so tender
I leak
The weight of my situation calls
I face
Ruptured heart of gentle faith
I break

Oh holy mother
Why do I bother
Why did I not pursue her
If i want to love her
I sit in this trance
Wondering if I'll leave this
Dark and shadowy dance
My life with no flames
Just me
To blame

probably doesn't help to hear that but i feel the same user. there's this certain dread to still feeling the depression lurking after one of the rare days where you worked hard and accomplished the goals you set for yourself. the realization that you still feel the same, that it doesn't matter whether you spend your day miserable in bed or chasing the things that you think will make you feel better. that self-improvement is just an illusion and a meme that keeps everyone running in the hamster-wheel that is the 9-5 lifestyle. people get kids to get some sort of "meaning" in their lives only to force them through the same shit that they went through.

i like your writing style, user. is there any more writing of yours that you'd like to share?

I'm not particularly depressed and anxious right now, although I've dealt with severe mental health problems for most of my life. For the past six months or so I've been attending cognitive behavioral therapy, mostly just nodding my head and hoping that showing up will push me in the right direction, occasionally doing the workbook my therapist recommended to compliment my sessions, and now am beginning to internalize the things I've heard repeated since last June.

For example, I'm better at recognizing negative thought patterns like helplessness thinking and irrationally hateful self-judgements. I know these problems aren't unique to myself and stem from a disorder that can be managed through sincere effort and self-awareness. I understand, truly, how such thought patterns influence my behavior for the worse and are undeniably responsible for many unhappy events in my life. Most importantly, I'm better at rejecting negative thought patterns or at least letting them pass.

My attitude is now more consistently resilient and productive than it's been in years. In fact I feel tremendous relief and calmness for the first time in about a decade. When I'm not carrying all this shit around in my head life actually feels worth living.

If any of you are struggling with anxiety and depression and want to feel better, I highly recommend ditching the SSRIs and trying cognitive behavioral therapy. It is probably the single most helpful thing I've ever done for my mental hygiene

I'm a depressed 20 year old virgin artist. For a while I tried to convince myself that becoming athletic would change things, but I have a decent face now and visible abs but still no girlfriend.

Don't worry about sex/girlfriend user, it won't change your life, yes its a good experience but you're young and very much your own person to cultivate and become someone who you want to be. Sex is fine, but it is not the be all and end all.

>Sex is fine, but it is not the be all and end all.
Except of evolution.

Oh God, why am I so alone?
Why have you made me so?
I can't even feel you
I'm talking to the void and hoping it answers
Please let me be wrong

>implying people have sex to procreate these days

ITS ALL ABOUT PLEASURE DUUUUH

I hear you, my child.

Sometimes I don't know if I should be afraid of concocting delusions or grandeur in my head, or if the delusions of grandeur manifest themselves in the world and are therefore to be welcomed.

that's why i came to Veeky Forums today i'm always paranoid the cops will kick down my down and arrest me for some kind of politically incorrect post i made or something, like claim i'm part of some nazi crew cuz i go on Veeky Forums and skim brietbart to see if the nytimes is telling the truth about donald trumps latest snafu etc. i wish i was still a hardcore marxist, you know those guys are safe, no one gives a shit about marxism, i posted all kinds of hardcore commie and anarchist shit in my day, no one cares, post a couple racist trolls and you know your days of freedom and having a job are numbered

Words never quite match the feeling, so I just make shoddy music instead
vocaroo.com/i/s1crYjl5wxvd
Even though our lives may be different, we all feel the same handful of emotions, so it's good not to get caught up in personal details and fool ourselves into thinking we're the only one who's ever felt this way. One of the hardest lessons in life I think is learning that sometimes you will suffer for a very long time and there's nothing you can do to make it any easier. It is horrible, but by taking it a day at a time and setting clear goals, you're certain to overcome what burdens you.

I took an entire box of sudafed after accidentally letting my cat out, but he came back so I forced myself to vomit. Now what I'm assuming is my liver kinda hurts and I'm fairly certain I've shit my pants. Guess I'm okay. Well wishes to all the sad anons out there.

>Let it all out.

wat

oh you

I am finally about to move into my own place, have a decent job, and am in grad school for what I strongly believe is my sustaining intellectual passion. I got an attractive girl's number at work last week and she's been texting me almost every day.

I've never felt so fucking empty in my life. There are brief moments where I feel "normal" for lack of a better term but this is always undermined by the knowledge that the sensation of overwhelming dread and despair is laying in wait ready to rear its head at an opportune moment.

I alternate between thinking that people are under the mistaken impression that I really have my shit together or that I'm such an obvious fuck-up and I'm too sensitive to be told how I honestly appear.

I drink too much.

This is def true in terms of discourse, but i think its the opposite for direct action. I’ve started emailing rojava about enlisting and im paranoid as fuck some fucking feds are gonna swoop in and take me to gitmo.

>rojava

had to google it, some syrian militia, yo are u fuckin nuts!? even if u made it over there without getting arrested all that'll probably happen is your convoy will get zapped by a drone before u even see combat, plus none of those dudes are leftists except the pkk and as far as i can tell they ain't active in syria

I am either actively suicidal, or passively suicidal. It's under better control these days. It's mostly just passive.

I was committed for almost the entirety of 2012. I was released by the hospital not because I had made any sort of progress, but because I had made none, and it was deemed a waste of resources to keep pouring time and effort into my case when it was so effectively stalled.

Over the past couple of years, I have developed a nasty addiction to benzodiazepines, but no one wants to bring me off them because actually the panic attacks are a lot less frequent and they've helped with the refractory epilepsy more than any other medication -- and we were running out of medications to try.

Most antidpressants don't work on me. I've tried SSRIs, SNRIs, NaSSAs, MAOIs, and TCAs to little effect or worsening of symptoms.

I live in perpetual terror, but I try not to think about it.

Nothing brings me pleasure or joy.

I have the means to kill myself just across the room. Somehow, having the actual physical ability to end my own life at any moment I choose has given me more of a sense of freedom than any time when I was forbidding this of myself.

Nothing terrifies me more than the idea of going back to the hospital. Even though I know they wouldn't take me back, I am still so scared of someone finding a loophole somewhere. It was not a prison in the traditional sense, but it was an institution, and being institutionalized, having your freedom of choice stripped away from you, if something I am so, so scared of.

On a semi-related tangent, my dog is really old and I've been living for him for the last however many years and I don't know how I'm going to cope when he dies because he's my oldest and dearest of friends.

There's only so much I can.

>Nothing brings me pleasure or joy.
how about when you're squeezing out a massive shit the night after a meal out and your ring's lips smack together with delight

why don't assholes have tongues

>implying
I take this shit seriously. Learning kurdish, going to gun ranges and shit. There was some backing from the us for awhile but since t*rkey swooped in its kind of dried up. Would rather die killing fascists/jihadists than become one of those dried up liberals that thought thry used to be crazy because they considered themselves “anarchists” for awhile.

>completely insane guy

this is who we share a board with my friends

no, but i live in constant anxiety and terror too mainly because i'm completely alone and if anything interrupts my ability to get money i'll be fucking dead

Some nights I dream of
Heroin addiction
To be cast to the streets
Homeless and Alone
To fight tooth and nail
For a morsel to eat
To get beaten up for sleeping
On the only bench around
To have garbage tossed at me
By the unsympathetic priviledged
To have those that loved me
Look down in disgust
And to have all who tried to help
Feel thorough dissapointment

I always dream of such suffering
For to me it is where I feel
At home

The human mind was simply not designed to handle a tongue in the anus. Maybe in the far future, but certainly not now.

if you want to die killing fascists/jihadis why don't u just join the fucking army? your goals aren't radical they are literally the goals of the entire military industrial complex in the west...

wow man fighting for the CIA and Russia? nice dude

It's funny because most people don't pick it.

But yeah, I feel you. I'm this far away from being homeless and living under a bridge.

>us hasn’t cowtowed to fascist states since the thirties
>fighting for russia is bad

That could very easily happen. I hope you have a safety net.

yes, it is you Putler bootlicking faggot pawn

>if you want to die killing fascists/jihadis why don't u just join the fucking army?
Depends how lenient the american military is on friendly fire.
nuttin personnell kid

>why don't assholes have tongues
i've heard shit tastes like shit though

my only safety net is the cold hard cash in my bank account, otherwise i'll have to go to catholic charities and grovel for food, maybe i can teach esl to undocumented guys in exchange for food and shelter, but probably not they'll say i need a masters in education to qualify or some shit, but maybe they'll give me a puffy coat and some soup

My life sucks.
No GED. No highschool diploma.

Been majority depressed since I was 12.

I can't make friends, when ever I do something happens and we grow apart.

I love people, and but I never feel loved.

I thought I made a cool friend, but they ended up being the same. Now I work 2 jobs and I have no support, morally or emotionally.

well if u got a degree you'd still be working two jobs but you'd also owe student loans so at least there's that

you got yourself to where you are.

I did I know it.
I never had support growing up, I ditched school because I had no friends and was heavy into escapism. I'd stay home all day and just sleep. My mom never tried.

Idk I'm not dumb, I want to teach.
Honestly math is the only thing I'm intimidated by, I just don't know where to start again. I'm not bad at it, just I have no memory of it left

>Idk I'm not dumb, I want to teach.
>never graduated high school wants to teach

why do the most woefully poorly performing students always want to be teachers (or social workers)? i think it's because they're so deprived of role models those are the only people with "real jobs" they've interacted with outside of the police

savage

I mean your not wrong, but I want to teach math. (ironically)
My grades were good when I wasn't depressed.

That khanacademy site literally starts from your first grade stuff and takes you right up to the start of second year university level for the calculus parts. Just following what they have, which is free, you can get yourself above the level of most high school teachers.
You are responsible for your education from here onwards so be persistent and organized. People with no formal education can go on to become decent teachers, it just requires dedication.

>math teacher

this is the true destiny of fags who major in pure math, no u will not be a quant on wall street doing algorithm trading, you will instead face a lifetime of forcing trig down teen throats, but if that's what ur into go for, it's a very attainable goal, assuming u can clear the background check

Dedication is a hell of a thing to have when the depressive mind is waxing.

thank you for the website

I want to make math fun for kids.
I write poetry for fun, and I want kids to see the artistic side of math as well

yeah, I could tell from the last two replies you're no good

>stop trying to help children

I truly feel this. I've completely burned out for seemingly no reason, but it's probably rooted in that.

you're not trying to help anyone, but to spread your own disease to young vessels

focus on yourself faggot, you incompetent nitwit

A couple months ago I had a nervous breakdown. I had tremors, heart palpatations, panic attacks for weeks. I felt like I was terminally ill. I felt like I was under a cloud of doom. Now I feel fine.

>disease
user im just lonely, i dont fit in

you're solution is bad, stop trying to bring strangers into your life to help you. get gf, friends, job, interests don't make a surrogate family out of the workplace that shit is gay and toxic for the mind.
>i want to teach math but didn't graduate hs
please don't do this, and your reasons are just awful parasitic altruist crap too

get a normal job, save money, become frugal and industrious, develop an inner life, interests and a love life as well

life is not about "teaching the sweet public school niggers how to do trig but artistically" at all and people who walk through it trying to soliloquize over their gay submission to the void in this manner deserve to be forgotten and CRUSHED by the fist of time

use your time wisely, do not become food for others or a parasite

The shitty public education in poor areas is part of the reason why niggers nig.
Anyone willing to teach them mathematics that isn't going to just call the police every time a student says something they don't like is going to have a positive impact.
This user isn't trying to give kids STDs or push socio-political ideologies on them. They aren't saying "I need to bring feminism to children" or "I need to secure a futire for the white race by teaching my race theories to kids".
Mathematics is the least diseased of any field of human achievement.

On second thought I must agree with you now that I examine their motivations a bit closer.
If being a math teacher was really what they desired in their life they wouldn't be whining here about being too sad to act on it. Their "being lonely" and not fitting in comment as part of their motivation for doing this is troubling.
Being a teacher could be a decent normal job, just not a surrogate family as you say.

I'm not optimistic about what europe will look like in 30 or 40 years

>If any of you are struggling with anxiety and depression and want to feel better, I highly recommend ditching the SSRIs and trying cognitive behavioral therapy. It is probably the single most helpful thing I've ever done for my mental hygiene.

Currently on prozac+wellbutrin and in talk therapy for 1,5 years now, been thinking of changing to cbt instead. How would you recommend switching? Lowering SSRI dose?

I'm no longer truly terrified. After being around some very disgusting people in my life I've regressed to a very anti-social (but positive) position on life. It truly culminated with me drunk out of my mind and a loaded shotgun in my mouth after months of alcoholism. Almost ironically, the only thing that saved me from pulling the trigger was my newly adopted cat that was an attempt to force order in my life. Thinking about me abandoning it put me off, so I didn't shoot myself. I then removed nearly everyone from my life except my partner and only my extremely closest friends. All I wish for is a simple quiet life as the rest of the world devolved into the shithole it is and devours itself.

>has a partner after months of alcoholism

I'm about to graduate university and feel I have no tangible skills and am paralyzingly terrified of the job hunt/interviewing process ahead of me.

My parents are psychiatrists. Please don't alter your medication without consulting your psychiatrists. You'd be surprised how often people get into shit by thinking they'll be fine if they alter their dose on their own.

Things were starting to look up for once and for a bit I had some hope again. Everything came crashing down and my hopes were dashed once again. I don't know why I try. I guess I just didn't want to disappoint my parents.

I've told them what I've been dealing with for the past seven years now. I'm trying to find a therapist, but I'm almost paralyzed with fear. All the time I've spent trying to hide things, trying to pretend, trying to self heal is causing roadblocks now. I know I need help. I desperately need and desire help and yet I can't bring myself to take the last step and make contact.

I started making some positive changes in my lifestyle when I had the good times a few months ago and some of those have stuck. I've lost 30 pounds and I receive a lot of comments about how I look much better. I cook for myself and don't eat fast food or drink any sugary drinks. Losing weight has been my only positive move in a while so that is also playing into my fear of getting help. Some medications have weight gain as a side effect and I don't think I could take that set back.

I've put my other things off now while I try to fix myself first. I'm moving back home in two months which feels bad, but it's necessary. At least I'll be able to hang out with my dog again.

I'm afraid that one day I will fuck up big time and end up on the street. I can't imagine myself feeling fulfilled or successful. Everything seems too down to earth like I don't have to worry about my spirituality. I will be off the meds in a month or two.

Stop eating bread, potatoes, and rice. Trust me.

I have a terrible addiction to cuckoldry. I can't stop thinking about it and mastuurbating to the thoughts.

Happiness? That only comes when you aren't looking for it. Stand proud and ride your destiny to the bitter end, victory through sacrifice. I can feel it calling, whispering to me, it's so close I can almost grasp it, cleave the possibility asunder and step upon the new path. It's just around the corner, so easy and yet so powerful, humans supposedly have free will, but which of them ever use it? Scary isn't it, to change the future with a single action, perhaps irreversibly. But so full of promise.

>When an ancient writer refers to, and praises, a now lost work