At small indie bookshop

>at small indie bookshop
>cute girl walks up to me
>”sorry, I just wanted this book”
>her hand brushes my trench coat while reaching past me
>at home, masturbate to the memory

Please flesh out this story more so that third parties can relish and masturbate to the abstractions of your memories

>>at home, masturbate to the memory

this would be stronger if it was

>go home, masturbate to the memory

Thank you. I will make the necessary improvements.

disagree because the sequential structure implies OP was horned up immediately. The jump cut implies the time where the eroticism of the impression simmers. The memory has to become a memory first to justify the words "go home".

This is un-ironically the only time Veeky Forums has ever talked about writing.

>the sequential structure implies OP was horned up immediately.

if anything, the "at home" variation subverts the immediacy of the situation because there is no sense of the passage of time

"go" gives the narrator the first sense of agency and plays with the irony that he could have just as well acted towards the girl and love, rather than towards "home" to masturbate

>The memory has to become a memory first to justify the words "go home".

again, no, because for "at home," everything is immediate and in the present

"go home" provides the necessary passage of time for there to be a memory (although again, the irony is that all this is in quick and direct sequence and the duration and difference between the girl's hand brushing the narrator's trenchcoat and the narrator masturbating is slim indeed)

that being said, I could see how using "at home" could provide an almost omnipresence flavor (in the vein of eastern taoism or perhaps, even eternal recurrence/amor fati) to the poem: that the narrator is simultaneously "at small indie bookshop" with the girl and "at home" masturbating - but for that to be stronger than the "go home" variation, I think the first line would need to have an action to properly reflect the final line, maybe:

>at small indie bookshop, browsing for a book

but then it would almost be completely necessary to obliterate the other mentions of the narrator's first person ("up to me" and "past me"), leaving "my trench coat" to point towards earthly attachments.

line 4 could then become:

>her hand brushes my trench coat while reaching for a book

which brings it's full circle in juxtaposition against the narrator in line 1

so either:

>at small indie bookshop
>cute girl walks up to me
>”sorry, I just wanted this book”
>her hand brushes my trench coat while reaching past me
>go home, masturbate to the memory

or

>at small indie bookshop, browsing for a book
>cute girl walks up
>”sorry, I just wanted this book”
>her hand brushes my trench coat while reaching for a book
>at home, masturbate to the memory

I also just realized that line 3 can be ambiguous in who is actually speaking - the narrator or the girl. That actually provides some rather nice tensions and possible interpretations for both versions.

Ignore , at home is better

I'd disagree. Exactly because of the sequence of events, "go home" implies the erotic desire became so absolute, so overwhelming, he needed to masturbate.
"At home" makes it more controlled and casual. It takes away away from the author's desire to convey savagery and raw lust and makes it seem like a civilized act, emasculated by the needs and timing restraints of modern society.
With necessary improvement, I'd wager this could become an interesting throwback to Nael's classic.

You're looking at it too much in terms of psychology at the expense of the innate strength of the composition. "At home" creates a second discrete position, polar to the first, which, despite being slighter than it and nearly epilogical, is as significant in the text, emotionally and as a conclusion. This space in the story cleft from the other, both by time and the separative "at home" carries with it as a result a power equivalent to the descriptive and narratological heft of the first, an invisible complement. This is the stuff of a good text, the issuing of additional text from the gaps in its arrangement. The two scenes contend in a schismatic storm from which emerges so much more than would from either alone, or from the two if they were one, which would then be alone as well. "Go home" closes the gaps, fills them in with cement. And to say that "go home" stresses the urgency of his need more than the leap to "at home" does is absurd - the leap places one in the double revelation of the need and the consummation at once - and to the most heinous abject height of the whole operation, before you suggest its narrative is elevated somehow by a building up to the finale (and what a paltry build that would be, "go home"). No, "at home, masturbate to the memory" is not only the obviously finer choice, it is clearly the literary.