>suffered some extreme traumas at a young age
>when I say extreme, it's fiction-level shit, Batman doesn't even compare
>resulted in huge self-esteem issues, never fit in anywhere, autism in daily life
>always had huge, ambitious goals for myself
>thought i could still achieve my insanely big goals, but now I'm 21.5 y/o and I feel like my self-esteem issues are not going to let me achieve what I want as I'm not likable enough for people for them to trust me, get close to me or form a connection of mutual like
I've decided to completely stop giving a shit, but it's difficult to implement that in life. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I care about what people think I automatically become an autist, I don't care what they think, I become likable.
But still subconsciously, I give a shit about what other people think/do or think of me.
Reading my favorite stoics, and implementing parts of their philosophy that I deem useful, helps me, but only for a week or two or maybe a few months at best. In such times, I'm extremely confident/have a high self-esteem, and feel in control. But eventually, I sometimes feel like it's not the level of confidence I would like to achieve where I absolutely trust myself and believe in myself with whatever I choose to do, and I eventually end up going back to my "former self," which I sometimes feel like is my "real" self. I want to master myself, be in control of myself and not give a fuck about other things.
Has anyone passed through such a time? Did you read some certain philosophy that helped to kill the boy within you and become a man? Looking for reading advice, thanks.