Write what's on your mind

...

I am beginning to doubt that wants even exist at all. If they do, then it is impossible to know one's own wants. There are several problems that suggest this. First, often we will say "I want to do X in the future," but we can't know that we will still want X when that time arrives. Second, we will say "I want to do Y" when we have no experience with Y. How can we know that we truly want something unless we've had previous experience with it to make an informed determination that we prefer it?

But maybe this is all just my fault. Maybe I've just been floating through life, not being aware of or ignoring what I want, and thus not acting in accord with what I want. It feels that way. I don't know what the hell I want, and I don't know how I could figure it out. I don't know why I'm here, in my particular circumstance, except that I've followed the path of least resistance for the most part. All I know is that I don't like where the train is taking me. I'd say that I "want" to get off, if I knew for sure that there was a better path. But I don't know how to discover that path.

I just wanted to speak about a funny contradiction I am in. My mom killed herself and I have been pissed at her ever since, but was sad as well. But no matter how sad I get I would never kill myself like her. So I want to live and don't, but I do. Don't mind me just some random stuff.

I want to sit on the floor and draw
I want to draw for myself
This does not mean anime

lol ur mom killed herself? was it because she was ashamed of bringing u into the world?

lookin for a qt fuck toy

t. young, handsome, published, with a wicked nice cock

I oughta be sleeping, but the trauma from last Thursday makes it hard for me to get any meaningful rest. two of my closest friends ended up ready to kill each other in their drunken rage, and I did my best to separate them. I took the blows instead, and my middle finger's now bent slightly. I haven't been able to play guitar for days. my finger's not as swollen now, at least.

I was so mad that night. I was mad for days. it felt like my childhood died right in front of me. I took my anger out on trash cans, tossing them wherever I could, and even on the roof of someone's house. I hacked my neighbor's plants with a dull knife, and kept them up at night with my shitty soloing. apparently the residents got fed up with my shit, and now I'm forced to live with my dad out in the farm till I'm done with college.

I can take the solitude. I've lived alone enough already. I just care too much about my friends, though, and of how things will never be the same. I hope they haven't heard about what I did. I've never stooped that low in my life before.

part of the reason they want me away from the city was to get into a rehab of sorts; they want me to cut the booze. but these headaches hurt. another bottle of rum would be nice

user D:<

Don't be a piece of shit

What we really want is the willless state. A state where we no longer want, are content

hell no wanting shit is the best cuz it gives u sth to do

Do it. I regularly sit on the floor for art projects. It just feels more natural and is absolutely worth it.

I think often people don't understand the reality of the thing it is they think they want, and when they are presented with that reality, the no longer actually desire it at all.

I've been thinking about Granpa Cat, who died back in 2011. I miss him.

It brings discontent to everyone

which one?

>psychological horror about a pissed-off frycook, an aspiring superheroine and an autistic tinkerer dealing mental issues, parental abuse and something not of this earth
>magical realism about a boy traveling the world with a supernaturally gifted asian chef and his grandaughter

I can't listen to anything other than Spiderland ever since it clicked and now I'm genuinely concerned this is affecting my psyche. I have averaged 4 listens to Spiderland per day, it's getting in the way of everything else in my life. It's just so damn good. I had to write about it here, half to show my concern, and half to subtly shill it, like those ants that get taken over by fungus to spread its spores.

i want to be a qt renaissance poet who wears ornate clothing and carries a shiny rapier
also Marlowes Faustus is better than Goethes
Goethe is a meme

Had to be sober last weeked
Watched my niece
She asked me why I stayd home all day with my freedom
So on Sunday I told her we could do anything she wanted
We went to the mall
She bought lots of cotton candies, chocolates, fries, milkshakes, burgers,
She asked me to buy all sorts of toys that I would have found cool once upon a time,
Through her I learned how to be social,
she knew much less abou tthe world but was eager and enthusiastic and braver than me
My anxiety would have me frozen, stuck up
But she showed me how to act sane again

Aced the Interview for my first full-time job. Feeling excited and really hoping for a call back from the warehouse.

I'm in my 30s. I have less money than you. I have more warrants than you. In more states.

I'm on heroin right now, but I'm not addicted. I do however inject myself multiple times a day with Suboxone, a drug designed to keep me off of drugs.

I can read several books a week if I wish. It's easy when you have no job or responsibilities. I do not live with my parents.

I haven't had sex since 2012. Believe it or not, this is by choice.

Currently reading Gravity's Rainbow. Last read was A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

>but I'm not addicted

That's a horrible situation to be in, and I think anyone would find your mix of grief and anger to be understandable. I'm so sorry about your mom.

I feel like I have more in common with a Catholic from Nigeria than an atheist from America.

Son of a bitch, good luck out there

Two women that love me. One a blonde, the other a black. I could bury my dick in either of their big tits. And they both told me they loved me yesterday.

The end.

master's thesis on Russian politics and internet/policy and control due in 2 weeks. i have an outline and a 5k word article i wrote in september that is basically incomprehensible. want to take the quarter off but would lose funding. will probably just pull an all nighter and write the damn thing and be miserable for the next 13 days. seriously do not give a FUCK about academia anymore.

No I'm totally a heroin addict. I just meant that I'm not currently on it. I mean, I am on heroin right now, but it's the first time I've done it since last week, and last week was the first time in a few weeks. I might as well be doing it because this Suboxone I inject 5+ times a day doors way more damage to my arms and is probably less healthy than dope. Thx bby

I'm sorry to hear that my friend. Two thirds of my family has been addicted to heroin, and they've all ended up in the same place we're all bound but earlier - much earlier. I hope you can find some light in this tunnel and reach a better spot, where Veeky Forumserature and other things are the only addiction you face before bed at night. If you wanna exchange throwaways or something, let me know.

As for what's on my own mind, I'm not really sure. Last time I posted in this topic of thread I'd just read the Book of Disquiet - something too relatable by far - and decided that suicide was imminent, so I'd pop a tab of acid that coming Thursday. I did. Didn't get as much out of it as I would've liked, just came to the realization that I crave power in this world but am equipped with the wisdom to know my own yearnings for it are silly. I'm weak and powerless. I wonder how long before I too give in to life's fate-strings that are being woven into my own riddle of life; how long until I follow the route of my family and turn to the needle. Perhaps it won't be such a bad way to go.

What do I do?

I'd like to know too.

Try to understand what your ideals and your morals really are. What is it you think the world should look like, and how can you - even in some barely significant manner - bring the world closer to that vision? If you can understand this, what you want (what you really want) will present itself and fall into place to be pursued.

wow, a true kindred spirit

edgy

well that's fair enough

i just had the raddest meditation sess bro, for the last like month or two i was trying to meditate a little bit here and there and it was like id sit there for 5 minutes and then jump up and check my email or see if any of my shitposts got replies, but earlier i was like ok lemme just meditate, and i was about to give up even looked at the time on my laptop, but i want to push a little more, and so i went back into it, and a fucking half hour went by like nothing, my breathing just totally evened out my whole body sort of froze, it was like being asleep but i was wide awake, then when i checked the clock after a fucking half hour went by, i never meditated more than five minutes before today, that shit was insane, i'm like ok maybe that was what all the hype is about

>I haven't had sex since 2012.
normative

I'm addicted to clonazepam which my psychiatrist started me on a couple of years ago. I would go to rehab or something and just deal with it, but I can't come off because it's the only drug out of at least a dozen that's had any impact on my epilepsy. I haven't had a single seizure this year. Between 2015 and 2016, I had a run of 11 months where I had an average of 60 seizures a day without a single gap.

I've been seizure-free long enough I can finally learn my drive, albeit carefully because driving on benzos is... not necessarily legal.

Good luck to you, fellow addict.

when i was young i was semi-friends with a kid who did a lot of heroin, and he was talking about how heroin is better than sex and he'd rather shoot up than fuck a hot chick, that's when i was like oh hell mother fucking no im not touching it, nofap is hard enough imagine also to do noheroin, nope nope nope

That image is stupid.

>having sex at all
>doing drugs at all

if u lit u gotta do some lsd at least once or twice

I went through two master's at the same time in finance and econometrics. You can do it, user. I believe in you. Nice topic btw.

Didn't notice that there's a new thread.

I think I first heard the concept of 'social democracy' the other day, or rather, I heard the term and not the concept itself. I've looked it up. It seems to me that modern social democracy is fundamentally capitalism but with welfare and often socialized healthcare. Critics say that social democracy abandoned socialism in the 1930s, and social democracy has been declining in popularity throughout the 2010s. It's very strange to call it social democracy without even mentioning capitalism because that's what's at its core. Without that capitalist core, I guess it'd be like a peach without a pit. It'd just be this weak mass of soft flesh with no hope of a future since it cannot provide a tree, it wouldn't have any real firmness resulting in destruction and rot. Or, in short, without the fundamental capitalism, people would die and starve on a massive level as seen in Venezuela.

There will never BE a socialist utopia.

How much how a degenerate can you be

How did you do it?

If I had to guess why someone's mother committed suicide, I'd assume she was likely a feminist, either never got married or got divorced, focused on child-rearing rather than an occupation when really if you're a single mom you need an occupation to be successful long-term, and felt incredibly cheated by society even though she will have fucked up her own life by her own decisions. This is likely why most women commit suicide in western society, and really, it's thanks to feminism.

That, or she could have simply had a mental disorder.

>60 seizures a day without a single gap.
holy shit

Look up "subtle dullness".
It's something to avoid.

I met a girl who is into philosophy and literature, like truly interested in it not just signaling. She made jokes about Zizek and Jordan Peterson, and was cute as fuck to boot. I was so happy to meet a literary girl and was planning on asking her out, then I found out she was already seeing someone.

Fuck.

kill her boyfriend and fuck her

I feel as if philosophy and the pursuit of knowledge has made me more mentally unstable. I only care about myself now, disregarding family hierarchy but still respect them so I listen to my parents. I steal a lot from stores that I’ll never go into again and constantly pirate things. I know the things I do are “wrong” but if I’m not caught then it never really happened. I have developed a rape fetish that I’d never act upon but still fantasize about doing it to people I know. Seeing the mentally disabled and elderly makes me irrationally angry. I know I should see someone but I don’t want to be labeled a freak

lol not a chance he could pull it off.

We laugh about him together. She tells me I'm mean when I do my impression of him, but she doesn't think I'm mean enough to make me stop what I'm doing to her.

Sounds to me as though you are going down the Raskolnikov path. This will earn you valuable Veeky Forums status along with your 15-to-life.

I don’t feel the need to kill anyone though, I don’t hate anyone at that level

In an attempt to push out my indecisiveness at the time, I went forward and chose engineering as my major. Didn't think about what was really involved, whether I had any passion about it, and I felt crushed on a timeline because I had me being 30 looming over at the time. On top of that, the money and job prospect sounded enticing.

I understand there's a difficulty threshold for these classes, but the passion and drive to overcome it is not there for me. Not one iota. Realize that if I keep on going, I am going to hate myself for it.

So, I'm dropping my classes and pursuing IT instead. It's a few steps back I have to take, but I'm actually putting myself in mind again, which is a consistent problem I have.

Would've loved to be a history or English major if it made a decent wage with security, but there's has to be some kind of compromise.

magical realism about a pissed-off frycook, a supernatural asian chef and his autistic grandaughter.

What have you been specifically reading? You don't need to tell anyone about seeing a therapist. Honestly more people should go, and if people label you a freak for seeking help in fixing yourself they need to go fuck off.

This is your brain on atheism

>buy myself a typewriter off of ebay
>a cute little travel erika for 6€ (incl. shipping)
>buy a friend a typewriter off of ebay
>a fancy thing with a leather bag for 12€ (incl. shipping)
>Hey, my dad is really depressed lately and has no money.
>maybe I can buy him a typewriter, and he can occupy himself with writing about things
>he lives in america, so I'll buy it off ebay us
>$50-$400
>$50-$150+ shipping
what the fuck you guys

The beginner books of Veeky Forums plus some Nietzsche, going to check out Camus then Dostoyevsky. Might even read upon the Greeks. My family has already called me crazy and then don’t even know half the shot I do

I thought I could like the lower class but I have quickly changed my mind now that I have to live among them

> IT

Love this field. It’s constantly evolving so you need to be up to date with your knowledge. It’s literally my favourite application of networking and cryptography. People underrate IT as the guy who fixes their printers but damn if they only knew that we are the true gatekeepers of the modern world.

Honestly you makes yourself seem like a lot worse villain than you are dude. Reading and pursing knowledge and philosophy is great, but you have to create some wisdom of your own with your life experiences. It unfortunate that your family is that un-supportive, but there will always be things you do to better yourself that others will see with disdain. Don't let a label stop you.

I grew up around computers and networking, am always the troubleshoot guy. Feel stupid for not going for it initially, but I put it aside due to some things I heard and read and it put me off.

Now I've been reading up on it more than ever and wondered how I let something that hit all my check marks for a career fall under my nose.

I just don't know what career path I can even take at this point of my life. I grew up pretty poor and didn't try high school so I had no college prospects so I just did all kinds of odd jobs but none really inspired me to go any deeper and I'm not particularly good at anything. I'm thinking about technical school but I don't have much funds for that either and since i'm 23 idk how much aid I could even get. Being born an over aware brainlet is suffering wish I had whatever it was that made normies well normies.

Mobile phones, candies,
shopping lists, stretch marks,
your gaze, cash and coins,
and, also, a pair of breasts
-things that a bra contains.

Because there were
never enough pockets
in our bonnets and blouses.

Mobile phones, candies,
shopping lists, stretch marks,
your gaze, cash and coins,
and, also, a pair of breasts
-things that a bra contains.

Because there were
never enough pockets
in our bonnets and blouses.

I would eat a maraschino cherry out of her asshole and I don't even like cherries

...

thank you user. i'm printing this out to keep at my desk. cheers.

I'm so tired of seeing the people I love suffer

damn dude it's like 70 degrees out, warm weather always makes me horribly depressed due to nogf, i don't even want to go outside rn

You fool, that’s when you hang out with your lower tier friends and tell them to bring some girls

Heard talk through the walls yesterday morning all about giving up, being worn down, the struggle through the pain. Dread of the future, doubt and anxiety. Some of it concerning me. Not a hypothesis but an omen. Doomed to repeat a previous failure. Fails to understand I have my reasons for failing and the reason is the voice speaking now. Shuffling up from the wall a vow has to be made never to come back after leaving, though a part must be left behind to continually die these thousand deaths.

all my friends are chicks, and not due to friendzone either, those are jus the only people who talk to me, except every once in while i get some homosexual orbiter who thinks im gay cuz i never have gf, even when im in the grips of extreme paranoia-anxiety never really gives me that suicide feeling like nogf in the summer

aint nobody got time for prose poems, holmes, just tell us what u mean so we can call u a faggot and possible give u advice

it's winter here and im literally aching to see the sun...

it's winter here too but the i guess spring came early cuz theres only a week left of february and the weather says its gonna be 50 for the rest of the week

...

If you see someone better than you, just remember there’s also someone worse

Communism doesn't mean equal paychecks for everyone, brainlet.

t. not a communist, before you begin

my cock is too big and both your parents won't shut up about it after I rail them only using their salty tears as lubricant.

then what's the point

Unless you happen to be the absolute worst in the entire world

From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs

well idk about u but need a lot of chicks with fatasses and a new iphone, my ability consists of shitposting and fappin it, where do i sign up for communism

Are you me user?
>tfw literally two male friends, one of which is closeted and the other is a stoner loser

it's hard to be friends with dudes, it just seems so gay after a certain age

I've been exposed to new ideas recently, and I'm starting to deeply resent a trans friend of mine.
I don't give a fuck about his gender, but the fact that he sees me as a "white, straight, cis male" instead of an individual, and the fact that this somehow makes me "worse" than the rest...
I'm considering never talking to him again.

Look at all these sour puss ligotties in here. It isn't so bad, guys. Go for a run! Get some endorphins flowing!

Have some fun with your life!

who the fuck has trans friends lmfao

>Go for a run!

yeah im debating it, but it's still flu season i don't wanna overdo it and get sick when spring is right around the corner

Golden rule answers all social quandaries.

Treat others as you wish to be treated. That goes for them too.

If a person wants special treatment and respect, they should offer it in turn.

I just weigh lifted, also manhattan is shit

>he doesn't have any trans friends

ever planning on leaving the farm?

Believe it or not, out trans people are not that common outside of major metropolitan areas with broadly liberal politics. You don't have to be from the middle of nowhere to not have a trans friend.

You also could live in a major city and not happen to have met a trans person that was compatible with you.

The more I think about this the more it sounds like you fetishize trans people and seek them out as friends to showcase something about yourself.

Boobies

>You also could live in a major city and not happen to have met a trans person
you could stop right there

You wouldn't like to step on that crack. He said it so half heartedly, and I believed him and never did so. When my house was flooded by the brown water four years ago, my husband came to me complaining that, whilst he was cleaning off the last remains of the flood in the garage, the old man spoke to him again and begged to please, please do not step on the crack. My husband had merely shrugged in his usual fashion and proceeded to not step on it. What's the matter then, well he's annoying to deal with. He shows up once a year and asks to not do some things, and this is our house. It's his as well, I spoke, let him rest.

That this comic would be funnier without the "Don't let the existential dread set in" panel.

I just recently dropped out of college to live with my family for a bit. I tell them I have a job that I really don't have, which is something that is deeply humiliating. No one really says anything to me, but I can feel the glare of their eyes on my future prospects, I will be a vagabond, a lout, someone who takes and takes and never gives anything back. I was always good early on in school, which led me to develop the bad habits of only doing the bare minimum of work required. I always fine tune my mindset. I know the world is just a massive network of dependencies, and that the more people you have dependent on you, the more powerful and successful you are. I know first principle thinking, I'm aware of all of the endless thousands of life hacks, and career advice. I also know that they mean nothing, that only the act of completion means something, that the tree is useless without its fruits.
I need to do something with my life and fast. I just need to go for it, because doing something is better than doing nothing at all. The novel I'm writing is great, my former professor was astonished by it, but that's not enough, it's never enough.

No, city people are all soulless freaks of nature.

>the world is just a massive network of dependencies, and that the more people you have dependent on you, the more powerful and successful you are

is this from a self-help book? if so i wanna read it, sounds possibly dank

>my former professor was astonished

too bad he wasn't astonished by your final exam, and gave u a b-, stop trying to justify ur mediocrity with fantasies of being a novelist, no one is gonna publish your middlebow bullshit if ur not from a highranking mfa

I hope I'm slowly but surely figuring my way through the mental residue which confines my actions and keeps me from happiness; however, it seems likely I'm just spinning the hamster wheel. I'm certain some improvement can be made through growing my self discipline. I'm also somewhat sure that a change in my daily surroundings and relationships will help, but I've committed to a thing which requires my current place. I've nearly completed that thing - which has been quite an effort - but the value it gave my life for a time has seemed to desist, leading me to issue an existentialist recall of sorts, unwillingly. Over all this lies a blanket, smothering with humid heat even the optimistic prospects of my path, and I'm melting.