Is my poem good?

It's spelled Qi.
Kata is combat precision.

>The Passager,
probably the worst out of the movies that jack was in around the time. ive always loved five easy pieces though, try doing a poem on that instead

qienergyexercises.com/qi-chi-ki.htm
It is not incorrect to transliterate this word as "Ki".
I know what kata means that's why i used the word.
>Kata (型 or 形 literally: "form"), a Japanese word, are detailed choreographed patterns of movements practiced either solo or in pairs. The term form is used for the corresponding concept in non-Japanese martial arts in general.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kata

The word literally means form.

I will re word the line for you: His form is fueled by primordial essence, God's breathe perhaps.

>The word literally means form.
Trivial "literally" means "place where 3 roads meet".
Kata means precision, as in, you have bad kata when it comes to the understanding of kata.

>try doing a poem on that instead
LOL I didn't even realize Jack was in a movie called "The Passenger" that's nuts I just used that image cuz I was high when i wrote this and I have that pic on my HD and he looks stoned. Also the word "passager" is an archaic middle french root of the word "passenger" but i used it to have a slightly different connotation than "Passenger". My idea is that a passenger isn't in control but a passager is in control: at least that was why i chose to use the form of passager instead of the latter passenger.

No I don't dude a kata is a choreographed pattern of movements with precision summed up into one word form. This is what I meant in the line. The character has a kata that is ignited by his chi/qi/ki. You're splitting hairs dude, it's poetry and I used the word because it means what it means.
>Trivial "literally" means "place where 3 roads meet".
So in a poem or w/e you could use the word trivial to mean what it literally means, like elmo, pepe, and homer simpson all took different roads and met up at a crossing and pepe said "this is trivial".
You are the one being trivial here by the way.
We use words in art and lit to convey more than one message.

>Troll
trōl
noun
a mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance.
synonyms: goblin, hobgoblin, gnome, halfling, demon, monster, bugaboo, ogre
"the storybook trolls who live under the bridge"

I appreciate the sincere mention of a katana.

Kata is "form", only as much as in, it specifically defines accurate form.
Can be compared to the word "articulation" except for combat technique. It does not just mean "technique" or the "patterns of movement" themselves, but how "well" you do them.
(I guess the modern pleb usage of it has made it mean any "shape" nowadays.)

yeah in the fucking verse if the poem this is exactly what i was going for. I didn't use it to mean any fucking shape i meant it to mean the character's ultimate form. "His" most accurate form, seriously get it through your fucking skull.

Why can't you understand that I used the word correctly.

The character is a soldier of his deity, when he does his kata he is becoming one with his deity.

You're preaching to the choir

I don't feel like the numbers add much to it. I understand , but just slapping the numbers at the end of each line is tacky, too on the nose. You could obtain the same, or at least similiar, effect in a more creative way, like with line breaks

>His strenght etc etc
>His love etc etc
>[linebreak]
>His math is Zero etc etc
>[linebreak]
>His perseverance etc etc

The numbers 1 and 3 are very important in the Comedy, but Dante didn't just slap them down on the text. He carefully inserted them into the structure of the piece.

Apart from that, minor complaints that might as well be purely opinionated:
>His path is narrow…His loudness is silent
The ... don't really fit: you don't use them anywhere else in the poem, and they could be replaced with a comma. I also don't like "His loudness is silent" because it doesn't follow from the previous sentences (verse 1 and "his path is narrow") or lead to the following ones ("paddle is wet" brings back to the idea of the path, to which you come back repeatedly in the poem). It's also an uninteresting turn of phrase: an editor once told me there's about 50 books called "the sound of silence" coming out every year.

>His paddle is wet with the water of Eden
I like this one. Gives an image, as well.

>His kata is kindled with Ki; it might cauterise thee

I like the imagery. The semicolon in the middle is, I assume, intentional (2 sentences for the 2 in the count). Well, I can accept that, but it completely breaks with the flow up till then ( read it out loud: his KAta is KIndled with KI; it MIght CAUterise THee . Compare it to: His PAddle is WEt with the WAter of E-den ) and the pattern isn't hinted anywhere else in the poem. Is "cauterize" the appropriate word? I get that you wanted to keep the "c" sound, but it's just too long for the rhytm and doesn't add much to the imagery. Up to you though, I can't think of an alternative, you could as well keep it.

>His love is more than his, his love is survival
This is ok as well. Not much imagery, "his love is survival" is a bit too abstract, but it's fine.

>His math is Zero - one Father, His Father, My Father
I like this as well. It's not bad as the turning point of the whole poem.

>His perseverance through the passage is powerful
This is too abstract. His "perseverance" is "powerful"? Doesn't give the reader anything to grab on.

>rest of it
It's ok. I am in a rush or I'd critique it more. You ever read William Blake? Short, dense, harmonically consonant poems like yours are what he excelled at. You'd enjoy him.

The poem is about a master of the universe.

>The word literally means form.
>His form is fueled by primordial essence
>yeah in the fucking verse of the poem this is exactly what i was going for
>His kata is kindled with Ki
>His form is fueled by primordial essence
>Kata means precision
>This is what I meant in the line.

>His form is fueled by primordial essence
*His ultimate form
>His form is fueled by primordial essence
*His precision is powered by primordial essence

Thank you for this user. You have a great point in regards to the numbers I it is kind of cliched now that I look at it objectively. I wrote this poem in like 10 minutes and didn't really edit it. I could explain the aspects disliked, however you hit the nail on the hide with such good kata (lol okay that might have been to much and i should just stop) that I shan't. *The semicolon was intentional. I haven't really read Blake for real, I will check it out for sure. I really appreciate your critiques user. Very complimentary.

The ellipses we meant to symbolize a loud silence it's loud because it isn't used anywhere else but it denotes silence, with your critique I could maybe even keep the ellipses and take the line "his loudness is silent out of the verse entirely. Idk, but again I really appreciate it man. I wish I could go to school for poetry/lit and have an editor to consult lol. I am just a highschool dropout pleb wage slave with nothing better to do than shitpost my plebeian poem on fagchan.

I have a feeling your post was written by a retard.

Yeah I'm a bit of newfag i realized after that there is a unique poster counter forgive me pepe