Ready Player One

Game of Thrones is just as bad and I see grown men reading it in public

>implying grown men dont do these exact same things

Oh the ironing.

Just look at his jeans. They tell you everything you need to know.

>men
ohp, think you got a typo there lil fella

rate his poetry:

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies
that are made for guys like me.

All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males
Men who like their women stupid and submissive
Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos
with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary
Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected
liposuctioned women
Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation
in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

These aren't real women. They're objects.
And these movies aren't erotic. They're pathetic.
These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don't turn me on.
They disgust me.
And it's not that I'm against pornography.
I mean, I'm a guy. And guys need porn.
Fact.
"Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,"
Guys need porn.

But I don't wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.
I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:
Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world
is a woman who is smarter than you are.

You can have the whole cheerleading squad,
I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:

Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.
Oh yes.
First I want to copy her Trig homework,
and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
for hours and hours
until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
Summa cum laude, baby!
That is what I call erotic.

But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?
No.
Which is why I'm going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.
I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.
And the women in my porno movies will be the kind
that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

I'm talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.
The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.
Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.
Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses
and chips on their shoulders.

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.
My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn't even have to get naked.
They'd just take the guys down to the rec room and
beat them repeatedly at chess
and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle
or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

Buy stock in some hand cream companies
because there is about to be a major shortage.

And I'm not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.
There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren
of all sexual orientations.
Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like "Dungeons and Drag-queens."
This idea is a fucking gold mine.

>cont.

I am gonna make millions,
because this country is full of database programmers
and electronics engineers
and they aren't getting the loving they so desperately need.
And you can help . . .

If you're an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,
and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker's home planet,
then you are hired.

It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.

Those are truly some top quality raviollis over here.

Buckle up, buckaroo!

Not gonna read this

This isnt real is it?

Soy was a mistake

It’s real

ernestcline.com/spokenword/npa.htm

His wife is as talented

My pussy is tired of being wet.

I’m not talking the physical state,
people, believe me.

No, I’m talking about the slang word: wet.

How come men get all the cool words
for sexual arousal like:
Hard and Erect
and Rarin’ to ‘Splode.

And all we women get is

wet

something which happens
to dogs and umbrellas.

And oh, what is this magical substance
causing us to get wet called?
Oh that’s right, it’s called our
wetness.

How original. We are made wet
by our wetness.

When I first started working as a porn writer,
I thought I would encounter different
and far sexier terms for women to use
than wet, but no! Everything’s wet!

And the synonyms I found for wetness
were even worse, if you can imagine,
than wetness. I am talking about
pussy juice, pussy sauce,
vaginal drippings,
and I kid you not,
feminine mucus.

But then I realized,
it’s not porn’s fault.

Because porn is like an 8-year-old boy,
and you’ll have to follow me on this one,
it just calls things what it’s heard
other people call them.

And that’s when I knew
it was up to me, up to me
to change the world,
or at least how the world refers
to things that come out of my pussy.

So I have done it here, people!
I have created a new female empowerment word
for “feminine wetness.”

And I’m doing my part.
I’m putting it in every porn story I write,
in every forum I monitor and
in every chatroom I’m forced to go into,

But it is not enough.

I need this to be a grassroots effort!

So, the next time you are making love to your lady,
or if you are a lady being made love to,
I need you to start using my new female empowerment word
for feminine wetness.

And that word is…

Sass.

That’s right.

Sass.

It’s a noun:
Lick my sass.

It’s a verb:
I’m getting all sassed up.

And it’s an adjective:
Is it me, or does empowering yourself
through vocabulary get you all sassy?

It’s short! It’s sweet!
It sounds great when grunted!

>cont.

It’s empowering for women to use,
and easy to remember for guys,
because, come on guys,
it’s only two letters!
And also it rhymes with ass.

And I know that some people
think it’s silly to name something
as frivolous as sass,
but I don’t think women
are claiming their sexualities enough.

Men could fill up thesauruses
with nicknames for their balls,
but we, women, don’t even have
decent slang for our clits,
perhaps the most powerful organ
in the entire universe!

But if we are going to start anywhere,
let’s start where all good things start:
with a lot of sass.

Are you with me here, People?

Are you ready to bring
this sassifric revolution
to its feet?

Because I want every girl in America
Proud of her pussy.

Every man in America
know the name of what
he’s licking.

Every person in America
remember our motto:

If you want to make love
with pride and class,
remember it’s not wet anymore,

it’s sass!

The death of Veeky Forums and its rebirth as /b/.

did he died after that phtoto?

I hate reddit more than is healthy

like, this greasy manchild ascribes world-historical gravity to fucking masturbation. that's how important it is to him

Attached: reddit player one.jpg (658x397, 72K)

>knocking a few protons off of the hydrogen atom

i wonder if he actually knows what's wrong with this phrase and included it ironically or if he actually thinks that this was intelligent

Jesus fucking christ.

No part of that paragraph makes me think that Ernest Cline has the vaguest notion of sarcasm or irony
He just knows that 'hydrogen', 'protons' and 'atom' are science words, and Galileo and Newton were science people, so he thought making a metaphor with those words that sounded vaguely sexual would be smart and clever

Worst part is him saying "Men need porn" with total sincerity. What an animal.

this is the reddit mentality.

I bet he considers himself a "sex-positive feminist"

Are you implying hating trannies is a bad thing? Or that redditors even remotely hate trannies?

How are his jeans the worst thing about his appearance here?

RPO wouldn't be so fucking offensive if there was any indication that it was written ironically to mock fan autist culture.

But you take one look at the author and realize that he's literally everything he writes about.

i refuse to believe a man like this could possibly write a good novel.

his second novel was even worse than RPO

don't worry, he's only written dogshit novels

>she first discovered the man in the canoe
What does this mean? I'm a virgin btw

>the greatest achievement of humans is masturbation
Thought provoking

Attached: C9A4A24E-DF24-4909-9B1E-1D7B21F084C4.png (706x900, 194K)

Is he aware some primates also jerk off?
Are "geeks" the new master race in his universe?
Is "knocking off a proton of a hydrogen atom" (impossible afaik) some retarded STEM metaphor for la petit mort?
Is he aware that behaving like a 20yo when on your 40s is pathetic?
What the hell is slam poetry and why does it sound so fucking American?
Is he aware this is in no way funny?

I’m not smart but aren’t protons the one’s whose numbers don’t change? Because they’re the atomic number and shit?

This poem by Ernest Cline is the worst thing I have ever read. I have read it numerous times now, and it genuinely still makes me queasy.

Read at your own risk.

Attached: Ernest_Cline_Utterly_Repulsive.jpg (571x960, 75K)

Clitoris

No
Yes
Yes but Cline probably barely knows what the STEM aspect of that means and definitely has never heard the term petit mort
No, he thinks it's awesome and has written at least two novels celebrating it.
Slam poetry is spoken word poetry, meant to be performed before an audience. Historically this described practically all poetry but slam poets are basically people too uneducated to know that who think reading poetry aloud is new and edgy.
No, he is not. Cline's novels contain five or so failed jokes per page and he appears to be proud of them.

>oh yes.
Somebody save this man
This guy acts like nerds are his race and they were enslaved by chads for 100s of years

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>Mensa cards
Disgusting. If Cline were't such an idiot I'm sure he'd apply for Mensa himself.

redditors are probably tranny-chasers

THERE'S NO WAY THIS IS REAL

Okay. That's it. I'm gonna read it.
I've already read Snow Crash and Library at Mount Char in this year alone, both horribly written and with comedy bordering on the retardedly unfunny, but at the same time they were easy reads and the plot was "fun".

How bad could this shit be.

Snow Crash is orders of magnitude better than RPO

>guys need porn
>fact

If you haven't quit porn already, do it, do it before you end up like Cline, before you end up a self-satisfied swine, celebrating your own catastrophic failure of character loud and wide.

I like how his eyes just convey pure fear, his soul is screaming

It's an atomic bomb joke. You know, because his ejaculate is like an explosion.

/blitz/

this

hydrogen atoms only have one proton

you cannot knock a few off of it because it only has one

Cline is a fucking HACK.

That's exactly what's wrong with them. They're completely normal. It's what your dad wears when he grills in September. A slight fade, a subtle acid wash, and a dark enough blue to be completely unassuming. It is impossible to wear those jeans ironically. It is by these jeans that we know he is completely serious when he puts those ridiculous patches on his plastic jacket. It's those denim dirt traps that prove his ass-licking smile and bug-eyed stare are nothing less than his best.

You're being too pedantic. A turn of phrase doesn't have to be accurate to work. This one fails because he's comparing his dick to an atom.

it's not pedantic if we're using the same level of pedantry that Cline was trying to use. He was trying to use an epic neil degrasse tyson SCIENCE xD reference to signal his erudition but completely fucked it up.

You're worse than him.

But none of these people were incels. Curie was married, Einstein was married (and a womanizer besides), and Galileo had a live-in mistress.

Newton was voluntarily celibate and a legitimate autist.

shhhh. Let them have this. It's all they can get.

>Galileo had a live-in mistress.

preddy gool.

I don't think anyone deserves an insult of that magnitude user.

yeah not cool user, please apologize

This desu
There's nothing more pathetic than attempting to put yourself in the same league as some of the greatest minds to have ever walked the earth by implying that they were as much of a loser as you are

How old is this guy?

Hydrogen atoms only have one proton

delete this filth

>because he compares his dick to an atom
Wouldn't that make it successful?

youtube.com/watch?v=vBBTZW_pzTs

This is just an act for money right?

jesus christ this is brutal

Well he was technically clergy, so he couldn't get married

>My pussy is tired of being wet.
when did she ask it?

If that's what he was going for, he did it incorrectly. The bottom line is that he tried to sound smart, but did it in such a way that anybody who knows what he's talking about thinks he sounds like an idiot.

How can an adult see this shit he's written and decide "hey, let's publish this turd" with a straight face?

thanks

>First I want to copy her Trig homework,
>and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her
>for hours and hours
>until she reluctantly asks if we can stop
>because she doesn't want to miss Battlestar Galactica.
>Summa cum laude, baby!
>That is what I call erotic.

Attached: CqtKaQRUAAA14Q6.jpg (1200x815, 75K)

I literally fucking cannot read this fucking thing
It hurts every goddamned time
Why the FUCK am I not published, I have more than "remember the 80s" and "nerds!" to say, which is more than what old Ernest can say

>the very cornerstone of civilization is jerking-off
this man is richer than you. the west has fallen.

Can someone recommend me some really good poem to wash off this shit?

And people thought John Green was bad

Attached: John_Green_Vlogbrothers_2016.jpg (701x975, 53K)

kinda gives you an idea about who this book was written for, doesn't it?

like all science fiction, teenage boys

Attached: nathan-lane.jpg (300x239, 60K)

Most discussion of RPO I've seen on r/books has been negative.

That was ment to be a poem?

That's gay as fuck bro.

Attached: CzW7JsSXgAEk1TE.jpg (900x1200, 86K)

I'm going to name my son Nael

>summa cum laude baby!

oc :)

Attached: ernest_cline.png (582x366, 17K)

At least GoT is full of pathological fetishes, Harry Potter just has child abuse, young adult friction, and multiculturalism; its missing incest, BDSM, scat, and rape (the thinking man’s fetish)

Nice

You can lose protons through alpha-decay, but that hardly constitutes "knocking them off" a la electrons via ionization. There's also the issue of Hydrogen only having a single proton.

They're blue and faded
So, no I cant tell what the political implications of that are

Doesn't Harry gets his mind violated in a rape-esque fashion?

John Green is solid YA fiction. His flaws are simply flaws of the genre. RPO is an entirely different thing.

Mos't grown men AND women don't even read, get out of your room once in a while.

Holy...
I need more

you can tell even GRRM can't stand him

Yes, but maybe it can lose that proton, acquire another, lose that as well, then another, etc. Use your big brain, STEMfag

relevancy?